//------------------------------// // I live a charmed life. // Story: Shade the Starcunning man // by Shadowhawk //------------------------------// So, in recap, cows are sentient and I suck at telekinesis. Then I tried some bovine products and ended up chucking them into a basin. Seriously, how can anyone eat a talking animal? Yes, I know it's an unpopular view, but really? Even when I read that 'Hitchhiker's guide the to the galaxy' novel where they dined in the Restaurant at the end of the universe. You know, the one with the talking cow who intentionally slaughtered itself. It made me feel uncomfortable about consuming anything that could voice dissent about the process. Let's get this straight: When an alien being who looks like a pony, who has just watched you trying to consume a sentient creature decides you should run. What would you do as a magician? Shoot fire at it? Shield? Riftjump away? Well, what do you think I did? Bravely, I stood there for a moment before bravely running the fuck away like the goddamn coward that I am. Shade the Running man powers activate! Leaping from the chair and putting on a burst of speed, I leave the dining hall at a speed that would be considered dangerously reckless by anyone nearby. With a quick turn to the right, I'm belting it down the corridor as the sound of hooves hitting marble grows louder behind me. I don't know why Hoofy is doing this, but the combination of that look and her using the word 'Punish' does not bode well for my meatbag body! Especially considering her love of riding crops! Slightly larger room up ahead, with a door being guarded by two guardsponies. As I belt past them, I notice one of them smirking at my situation. Little white bastard would be receiving a punt to the face, but is saved by the fact that I'm currently concentrating on not becoming a bruised mess. It seems like I've been running in this 'race to save myself from pain' for ages, but it has to have only been atleast five minutes since we left the kitchen. But that said, the interior passageways of Canterlot castle are practically identical, after you've seen a couple hundred meters of the place you've seen it all. Haven't any idea what particular part I happen to be pegging it through, but that's irrelevant right now! "Shaaaaddeee!" Hoofy draws out my name with a creepy tone, there is a crack of a crop. I dare to glance back at her for a fraction of a moment. There she is, all 50 kilograms of golden armor clad olive green mare with a smile on her face. She's levitating a large crop with her magic. Now, that's pretty horrifying, right? Well, not as horrifying as the text written up the crop which read: 'The big one'. Fuck that. Fuck this. Shade, it's time to open up your bag of tricks and get the hell away! With a swift check of the local field and a swish and flick to the amulet, I break one of the first guidelines of magic by trying to cast while semi-distracted. Not that I really care about that right now! Pulling down on the energies around me, I summon up an entrance to T-space and start to concentrate on where I'm going to exit. The plan is to do acouple rough jumps until she can't see me, then dive into a side room and wait her out. I know, my design is crude but what you do expect of me right now?! Taking a final glance backward to see how close she is, which reveals she's barely ten feet away. Hah! My escape is practically assured! It's enough that I even feel that I can throw in a little snide comment to the multiple-personally mare at my rear! "Laters Hoof!" I'm starting to learn that boasting is never a good idea in this crazy world when I turn back to see a pair of frightened eyes staring back at me. In being cocky, I'd failed to notice a maidmare coming out of one of the side rooms until I was practically ontop of her. She screams as I glance off her backside, the impact causes me to almost literally bounce off the left hand wall, knocking my concentration way out of alignment along with my breath, before I fall forward.... Directly into my rift with no set destination. As quickly as humanly possible, I focus on holding back T-space so it doesn't crush me to a pulp. It's only fortunate that I've had some practice with this, otherwise I'm sure I'd be exiting as shredded Shade. The only dangers I face now are my steadily decreasing energy levels and the fact that I could exit T-space at random and end up embedded into the walls of the castle. I'm sure it would make for quite an Avant-garde statue, but I'd prefer to be alive than appreciated in the artistic sense! Offering up a quiet, generic, prayer to whatever gods care to hear it, I tear open that alter-reality and leave. Now, there are two interesting things that I notice as I depart that place. One: Rifting conserves momentum. In essence, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out. And two: Blind rifting apparently means your exit vector is random. It means that you can enter running on your two feet and end up leaving head first. It's the reason why when I left T-space, I shot out at speed at 315 degrees from normal and sped directly into the side of something, causing me to fly headfirst into a four foot deep pool of bubbly hot water. My hips slammed into the side rather painfully a fraction of a second later, forcing my legs to wheel over my head and splash down afterward. As you can imagine, it took a moment for my brain to fully process what had just happened. I was currently submerged in a tub of heavily perfumed water, jets of warmth coming from the sides and the floor. Hauling head out of the waters of the, now identified hot tub, I gasped for breath. In the process of getting said oxygen, I accidentally suck down a good mouthful of that horribly-scented lilac water, which is an experience you'll never want to have yourself. Rubbing my burning eyes, I hear something gasp quietly in the dark. Shit, I just crashed someone's bathtime! Or, actually, probably relaxation time, given that they're in a hot tub! Regardless, I'm sure they're not going to appreciate a random-ass alien crashing the party! "Erm." I offer them while still trying to rub the evil from my eyes. "Sorry about this intrusion. Slight miscalibration on my teleport attempt." Having finally rid my peepers from the soap, I add: "You have my most sincere apologies." "Well." A voice replies. "You certainly know how to be discreet, Mr Shade." My vision is far too blurry to make anything out immediately, but a blink reveals some of the scene. This is a large tub, probably twice my size, filled almost to the brim with pink soapy bubbles. The rim of it is inlaid with fine golden filigree, depicting several scenes of what is presumably Equestrian history. I can feel several jets of heated, bubbly water from below. Blinking several more times reveals the large bathroom the tub occupies, it has a large mirror and what must be hundreds of grooming products of various sizes, shapes and colors. But the thing that draws my attention most is the pony in the tub with me. Currently levitating a half-filled large champagne flute in a white aura, the unicorn's blue eyes lock upon my own. A small smile fixed upon it's lips as it gently flicks it's, slightly wet, blonde mane over it's shoulder. Those eyes go half-lidded as they slowly break from my own and, presumably, take in what part of me is upon water. It doesn't help that I notice that my jacket and shirt are currently plastered over my torso, which wouldn't leave much to the imagination. "I have to say." The pony says as it's eyes return to my own. "That your particular entrance has been one of the most unique ways of entreating me. And now, you have my full attention." Whispering the last part suggestively, he slowly blinks his eyes. The phrase: 'Deer in the headlights' is an apt description of my reaction. Not fear, no horror or shock, just freezing on the spot like the dumbass that I am. But that said, how often does anyone accidentally riftjump into a situation like this? I'm pretty sure there is no evolved response to this sort of thing. Atleast, not until the rest of humanity develops magic. Taking my silence as a cue to continue, he gently places his glass down and takes two steps forward which knocks me from my brainlock. "Actually, it really was just an accident, Prince Blueblood." He takes another step forward, which leaves him far too close to me. "And, no offense, but I'm not into stallions." I offer weakly, but in response his smile grows larger. "Well..." I tense as I feel a hoof gently touch my knee under the water. "How about you be the stallion." The hoof inches very slightly up my leg. "And I'll be the mare." I've spent time on the internet, including that wretched hive of scum and villainy, I've seen some seriously disturbing shit there, enough to have grown somewhat immune to shock sites and the like. But this. This happening right here. It's so far off the scale that in the far future, when humanity takes it's place among the stars and pushes out to the furthest reaches of our expanding universe, they will find right at the end of it a little sign with this moment written on it. "And if you like." He whispers as his limb starts to trail further upward, "I've got some lovely frilly socks that I just look so sexy.." I don't let him finish as I shift back just enough to break contact with him before explosively riftjumping the fuck out of there. With just enough focus, I hope I'm aimed towards my previous jump location and leave T-space. The Gods must be pleased, because I exit just a few feet from where I left along with a good amount of bubbly water. Said water immediately loses it's form and splashes to the floor, drenching the none-to-impressed Hoofbeat. As her eyes lock onto my 'thousand yard stare', her expression quickly morphs into concern and she tries to speak, only I cut her off. "Hoof, If you touch me with that crop, I will break the first rule of being a gentleman and smack you so hard, you'll be feeling it all week." "Shade, what happened to you?" She replied as she quickly tucked the crop back into her armor, not looking afraid of my threat. "I need a fucking drink. Something strong. Something that will obliterate what just happened from my memory, my body and my soul." She cocks her head to one side. "What happened?" "Liver destroying - brain deadening - 'Waking up with no memory of the night before wearing nothing but a bra and pink underwear' - drink first." She pauses for a moment, before gesturing with a moist hoof and we set off down a corridor. "Shade, are you alright?" "Perhaps Hoofbeat, you'd like to tell me why you were threatening to hit me with that fucking crop? Huh?" She flinches slightly at my angry tone as I ignore the question. "I had to get you to run somehow, Shade." She offers with a nervous chuckle. "It worked, didn't it?" Halting suddenly, I turned to face the mare with an angry glare all over my face. But Hoof's made of stern stuff, so she doesn't recoil at my furious expression. A tense moment passes between us as either one of us waits for the other to do something. I find my anger simmering down very quickly, I mean, she does have a point about making me run. It's actually pretty funny if you think that this mare has somehow gotten such a quick read on how to motivate my lazy ass. Sighing, I break the glare, close my eyes and rub my forehead. It's not Hoof's fault that I just rifted into one of the most awkward situation's I've ever experienced in my entire life, although technically she is partly to blame for the setup to that event. Ugh. I wasn't kidding before, I need a fucking drink to wash away that... Whatever the fuck that was. As I look up back at Hoofbeat, she frowns at me with a twinge of worry on her face. "Were you actually going to hit me with that crop?" I finally ask. "No. I said I wouldn't and I meant it." She replies sternly. "Never do that again, Hoof. It wasn't funny at all." "Sorry." She offers me sheepishly and I feel bad for dumping on her. "Well, you can say sorry by buying me a drink." I gesture for her to lead the way and we set off again. "So why do you suddenly need a drink, I know I'm scary.." She smiles a small smile and gently rubs the side of my legs with her body affectionately. "But I'm not that scary." I sigh again. "I'll tell you after I've had a stiff one." After walking in silence for a few minutes, we leave the castle proper and enter the lovely city of Canterlot. Again, I'm met with curious but unafraid stares as they acknowledge the guardmare at my side. I have to admit, I'm certainly not hating all this nice attention they're giving me. Although they never actually bother coming up and talking, but considering my mood that's probably for the best. Soon, we're approaching a very obvious looking bar. The sign outside bares the symbol of a mug of ale atop a strange structure that I can't immediately identify. As we get closer, I can see the faint outline of worn text below it. Oh dear. This is the 'Sticky Stable'! "Err. We might not want to go in there." I mutter to the mare at my side. "I had an... Incident here a few nights ago." Hoof looks at me curiously. "What kind of incident?" "I sang a song, had a drinking contest and then apparently had a brawl." She frowns. "'Apparently'?" "I don't know, I was completely dogbuggered. I woke up in the bath." She chuckles at that image. "Did you pay Smooth Draught for the damages?" Huh, must be the name of the barman. I nod in the affirmative to her question. "Then as long as you pay the pony, he won't care. One griffon once got in a tussle and destroyed all the barstools. But once she'd paid up for them, he actually thanked her for doing it. Said they'd needed replacing for the longest time! So you'll be fine." "She wouldn't happen to have been called Helga, would she?" She shakes her head dismissively as she opens the bardoor. "Called Hervor I think." And that's when I get a good sober look at the double SS. It's a roughly 50 meter long room, with a, currently unoccupied, stage to the left with many tables and boxes set up so the bar-goers can see a performance. The bar itself starts almost immediately next to the door and extends the length of the room. It's your standard bar deals really, counter at the front with space for the barman to move followed by the usual bottles of mysterious fluids on the wall. Beer taps cluster together at discrete intervals with unknowable names written on them. Then the smell hits my nose. The hoppy scent of cheap beer, the sharp tang of alcoholic spirits, the faintest aroma of a sweat and tobacco smoke. It almost immediately took me back to my days as a student, before they banned smoking in pubs and clubs. Hanging around with afew of my single-serving friends, chugging down cider and laughing at jokes that the soberest of souls wouldn't even think was very funny. Without the smoking, it just doesn't smell right. As I took a step forward towards the bar, I notice that the place lives up to it's name. The floor is sticky. I love this place already. "So, you've come back to destroy more of my bar stools, have ya?" I didn't even notice him walk up, but I'm not that surprised, barmen tend to be quiet. "Erm. I wasn't really thinking of doing that, no. Just a quiet drink." The brown unicorn stallion laughs at this. "Pity, I was going to ask if you wanted to destroy the stage next." He looks over at Hoofy with his dark green eyes. "Early for you." I look over at the mare, only to find her armorless. "Usual, Hoofbeat?" "Make it two." She says as she mounts a stool. "I'm buying him a drink." The stallion raises one of his black eyebrows and smirks. "Well well, Hoofbeat buying drinks for a stal.... male. Have I been transported to an alternative Equestria then?" Hoofy just gives him a look. "I haven't seen you with any mares lately either, lost the angle on your dangle?" Are they fighting or flirting? The stallion laughs for a few seconds, clearly enjoying himself. "I don't know, why don't we go upstairs and check?" He winks. Ugh, this day is getting worse! "Nah, I haven't brought my microscope with me." Draught overacts being hurt. "Hoofbeat, you wound me so!" He laughs, then stops when I cough. "Ah, you never cease to amuse. I'll go get your drinks." As he turns to walk away, I take a stool and look at her. "I'd ask if you were a regular here, but I think that's pretty much a redundant question given what I've just heard." I say to her and she smiles. "Draught and me always have these little funny games, he's a good barpony like that. Makes you feel welcome." She says as two glowing wooden tankards of some dark, foamy, boozy fluid slid over, stopping perfectly in front of us. Hoof takes hers as I take mine. "Cheers." I say as we knock them together and I take a sip. It has the faintest taste of a farm, like hay and grass. Kinda bready in a way too. I say faintly because everything else was overridden by huge amount of alcohol in this drink. Alright, so it's not like drinking straight spirits, but it's still enough that about 5 of these and I'd be blacking out. Not like that Special Reserve wine either, I mean the regular blacking out after excessive drinking. Coughing gently, I rested the tankard on the bar. "Sweet Picard, that's a strong drink." And the mare chuckles. "'Sweet Picard'?" She uses verbal air quotes. Shit. This is going to be an awkward conversation. "He's a fictional character from a show about meeting other species, having a disagreement of some kind before finally realizing that: 'We're all good inside' and resolving the situation. It's pretty preachy, but it's still good entertainment." "I didn't know you liked the theater, Shade." "Naw, it's a TV series. I watch it online." As the words left my lips, I came to an annoying realization that she would have no idea what I was on about and would likely ask me to explain. And I seriously cannot be fucked to try and find a way to describe the network of computers, TV's and all of the Earth-tech. I'm not in the mood to have a long and boring conversation about stuff that is so far advanced in comparison to the technologies I've seen on this world. Hell, the most advanced piece of tech I've seen is the goddamn electric light! How do you explain away a hundred years of science to magic users.... Wait. That's it! "What's TV and Online mean?" She asks. "A TV is a box that uses the magic of 'Science' to make visual images and sounds appear on one side, like the theater, but that can be enjoyed whenever the user wants." Hoof interrupts. "Like a movie projector?" Oh they have projectors? "Yeah, but instead of a screen, they come on a box." "And online?" "With the magic of 'Science', humanity has made a network of boxes that let you..." Oh fuck, how do I describe this simply? "Send letters, sounds, images or even your voice to someone on the otherside of the world. We call it the 'Internet'." Hoof rubs her chin with her hoof. "The magic of 'Science' sounds alot like our magic." She says after considering my words for a moment. "Well, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." I replied, quoting the Clarke. Hoof just laughs. Apparently, she's not going to bother to inquire about the 'magic of science', but I take that as kinda her thing to not question stuff. If it works, it works! I smile as the barpony returns to our side of the bar and begins to absentmindedly polish a wine glass he's levitated from behind the bar. "So about what happened earlier." Hoof says. Oh lord, here we go. Well, I guess it does make for a good story! "Well," I begin, taking a slug of my drink. "I was going to rift away from you, but..." So I tell her, I tell her how I ended up in the bathtub of a horny stallion who probably had some rather obscene plans for my meat and two veg. I know what you are thinking though. 'Shade, you're English! You hate taking about sex and the like!' Well, I don't mind this referencing bit, it's just when people get all technical that I get all awkward. Besides, it wasn't like I was actually doing anything other than receiving.... Ugh. Fuck you brain! Anyway, after I finish telling them, Hoofy starts laughing so hard she falls off her stool and that bastard Draught starts crying from all the humor. "Yea, I lead a charmed life." I say with tiny shrug. "Oh buddy!" The stallion says, "you're the unluckiest pon.. Dude I've ever met! Wait here, I've got just the thing for this." He ducks under the bar as Hoofy returns to her seat. "Shade, seriously, you are unlucky." She grins. "Yea, that's only the second time a pony has tried to get their leg over me..." I deadpan and her grin immediately disappears. It takes me a minute to realise that she doesn't find that funny at all. "I was just lost in the heat.." She practically whispers. Shit, damage control my good man! "Pfft. I know that's your excuse, but really, when you're as hot as I am, you're used to people wanting to get under..." I pause and flick my head like those supermodels do. "The Shade." Honestly, I swear I heard someone yelling 'YEEEAAHHH!' somewhere in the background. But Hoofy is giving me a look that speaks volumes. Volumes of 'Did you seriously just talk about yourself in the third person you complete nutter?' Then, seconds later, breaks it by giving a quiet chuckle. It's at this point that Draught finally decides he's found whatever the hell he was looking for and levitates over a neon blue bottle of fluid and a shot glass. With his magic, he pours a shot of that glowing drink and shoves it infront of me. "Here you go, Mr Shade, this'll make everything better." Quietly, I'm debating whether or not I should be getting dogbuggered just after lunchtime. Infact, drinking on an empty stomach actually isn't the smartest of ideas, even for a relatively capable drinker such as myself. Not to mention that Luna will probably want to eat dinner togeth.... Cut that shit out brain! Even if Sub-Conscious is for this, I refuse! Maybe not as vigorously as before, but still! Hmm. Well, fortune favours the bold and the bold are usually men with Dutch courage running through their veins. Slamming that shot down, I note that there doesn't appear to be any burning. It's kinda cold and tastes faintly of ozone, but no bitterness. As soon as the fluid passes into my stomach, I feel a weird sort of coolness that flows from that organ and out through my entire body. It's like a breeze that gently washes away nearly all of my concerns and fears. Christ on a cracker, this drink is amazing! "Like it?" Draught says. "Christ, what was that? It's incredible." "The Sticky Stable Special. Secret family formula with alittle magic mixed in. Gets you happy without losing your inhibitions." Fuck me, that's cool. "Only lasts as long as a single shot and you can't have more than one, but it sells like crazy on the weekend." "What happens if you have more than one?" "Instant blackout followed by a mountain sized hangover the next day that magic can't cure, I'm the voice of experience on that one. Anyway, I need to get setup for tonight, you guys give me a call if you need anything else. Anyway, me and Hoofbeat start shooting the breeze. I'll save you the boring back and forth that one goes through when getting to know another person and give you the short and sweet version about her. She's from a single foal family, who are now dead. I offered her my apologies for that, naturally. Went to school in a place called: 'Celestia's school for gifted unicorns.' Which, as the name suggests, is one of those real elite places. Did very well there, not the top but close to it. Then she pretty much went straight into the Royal guard and started working her way up the line. She's also, apparently, an 'older mare', although when she details what that means I get to feel old myself. With a quick (See: I haven't done math in a decade quick) mental calculation, I work out that comparatively she's just shy of a year older than me in terms of lifespan. Not that I tell her that, of course. When she tells me about her likes.... Jesus, this is starting to sound like an E-dating profile. She says that she enjoys collecting (Who'd have guessed?) riding crops from around the world, a nice garden and, unamazingly, the study of magic. It's only when she starts talking about 'Cutie marks' that I interrupt her, because what the fuck is that? When she displays her flank and that strange symbol on it do I speak up. "Excuse me, but what the fuck is your tattoo got to do with anything?" The response is a ten minute long lecture on the 'Tattoo' that represents her 'special talent'. Seriously, if I hadn't been burned and maimed in this world, I'd have thought I'd slipped into a kids show or something. Apparently the marks represent what they're good at, which they discover... You know what, I can't be fucked to repeat it. I almost immediately shoved it into the overflowing 'It's fucking magic asshole, just deal with it.' excuse box and let it sit there. Hoof got hers when she 'saved' a younger foal from some creature by using a riding crop and her magic or something. The entire story felt kinda strained in the reasoning, if you ask me, but whatever it's her crazy world. This conversation has gone on for quite awhile, I eventually notice as quite afew more ponies enter the bar, each giving a world-weary sigh before taking a stool. I've already had two drinks and I'm feeling a pretty good buzz. There's a lull as she orders yet another drink for the two of us and I check out that cutie mark again. I mean seriously, sparkly riding crops? Actually, where's her armor too? As the barpony lands acouple cool ones on the bar, I speak. "Hoofy, how did you get your armor off so quickly? You teleport it?" "No, that'd be a waste of time. I'm still wearing it." She says nonchalantly. "Illusionary spell." "Cool, but what if someone touches you or something? Won't they feel it?" "Nope, go ahead and touch me." I do, ignoring that little voice that makes dirty comments, and only feel fur. Whoa! "That's really cool. How the hell does it work?" "Well..." Trust me when I say it isn't worth me repeating the explanation of illusionary magic. I'll skip the boring bit and sum it up. Essentially, illusionary magic is alittle like the 'Someone else's problem field' from 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy'. Wait, you've read that, right? No? Fucking kids these days... Anyway, a SEPF convinces the viewer of an item that whatever they are looking at is, unsurprisingly, 'Someone else's problem' so they ignore it. Illusionary spells are similar, they convince the viewer that it looks like whatever the caster wants them to see. It's an amazing spell, but has some major downsides. One, it needs to be bound to physical material, so no casting fake ghost or anything. Two, if you cast it on yourself, you're also effected by the spell. Hoof is really adamant about that, because apparently acouple unicorns cast invisibility SEPFs onto themselves and ended up throwing themselves off a roof because they were convinced that they were dead. Dark stuff. Anyway, the spell lasts for around half a day but, and this is a big but (Pun not intended), any unicorn can dispell it. "That's so cool!" I've finished me third drink at that point. "I mean.... That's so cool!" Yay, I'm pretty drunk. Hoof's also a bit out of it. "Yep. Handy too." Hmm. Clock says 6 over there. Night's usually at nine, better stop drinking. "I think it's time I got my happy ass back to the castle and into a bath. I still smell like that bloody soap." "Alright, I'll walk you back. Wouldn't want you to get lost. Put it on the tab, Draught!" She yells the last part out to the busy bar and gets a yeah in return. The streets are relatively quiet on our return to the castle, presumably because everyone is getting ready for dinner, so no queer stares. Didn't mind all that much though, my brain was still in the buzz-stage and was more than happy just walking. At about the half way point, I clock on that Hoofbeat is humming some random tune and it puts an idea into my drunken little head. Could it be magic or is this impulse to sing coming from me being buzzed? "Hey Hoofy, wanna hear a song?" She nods in agreement. "Well, this one is from a game called 'New Vegas', it's called 'Ain't that a kick in the head'." Recalling back to those lazy days in the wasteland of Nevada, shooting plasma at radroaches and killing NPC's. Ahh, oh wait, I'm supposed to be recalling the song! Shaking my hand to get the tempo, I take a breath and begin to sing. "How lucky can one guy be..."