Dear Dashie,
I don’t know exactly where you are, so I’m just going to tie this letter to a balloon and blow it in Las Pegasus’ direction. I chose this balloon because it’s blue, and also because it’s made with that vinyl you like to rub with your hooves when Twilight is trying to study.
Anyway, I’m writing to tell you that Gilda might not be a special case. I’d heard that the griffons that have their aeries on Mount Reinier make this special ice cream from the snow up there. It’s rumored to be super extra yummy because there is less pressure at the top of the mountain or something. So I sent them a letter and they said they would be happy to trade me some ice cream for something exotic and delicious.
Now, you’d think those griffons would be more relaxed with less pressure, but you’d be wrong! Those are some grumpy griffons! I hopped all the way up there with these soufflés to trade, but I guess the air is different at higher elevations. The soufflés all popped and deflated. I tried to pass them off as crepes, but that didn’t go over so well.
Still, everything was okay until I set the platter down. You see, the thing about mountains is that they are steep, and the thing about snow is that it’s slippery. When I put my platter down, it started sliding. I dove after it, but then I started rolling, and suddenly, I was barreling down the mountain toward their nests.
You know, for being so slippery, snow is also kinda sticky and it all globbed onto me when I was rolling. Suddenly griffons are flying around yelling and I’m rolling around and around, getting bigger and bigger as I go. I think at some point I hit some things, but I couldn’t even see any more after a little while. It was a big ball of snow!
Eventually I hit this big rock and the snow broke apart. When I dug myself out, all these griffons were around me, scowling. I tried to sing them my ‘Tough Times Need Catchy Rhymes” song (you know the one), but I didn’t even get to the chorus before they ‘escorted’ me down the mountain. Jeez! They wouldn’t even let me help put the nests back together again. At least it wasn’t roosting season…
So, yes. Griffons. Huffy. Maybe when I’m done with this hike, I’ll come back with my disguise moustache and throw them a super-fun party with unpopped soufflés this time. It sounds like they could unwind a bit.
With laughter (and some bruises),
Pinkie Pie
June 27th
Dear Pinkie,
Hey, so I found this balloon land in a field near the rec center I’m working at, and I found your letter. Just so you know, I was not avoiding you.
But yeah, attached is my mailing address so that you don’t have to use balloons anymore.
Anyway, about your letter, yeah, griffons aren’t the nicest beasts. They’re the top of their food chain, so their nature is usually confrontational. Also, they’re carnivores, so if you wanted to make peace, you should have offered a dead rabbit or something (don’t tell Fluttershy I said that). As for music, they tend to lean toward their native tribal chants (kind of a mix between electronica and latin soul).
If they weren’t so fast in the air and great in bed, I would’ve never dealt with them.
So hey, if you’re ever travelling out near the desert, feel free to hit me up in Las Pegasus. I really wanna hang out with some ponies while I’m striking it rich. Plus there’s all these magic shows and stuff (Trixie’s working with lions, tigers and bears, how cool is that?).
Sorry if this letter is a little short, but I’m kind of in a hurry. I’m done with flight school for the weekend, so I’m gonna hit the town tonight. Hopefully, that floozy Lady Luck is gonna be on my side.
Remember my offer. Your friend,
Rainbow Dash.
July 6th, 2013
DASHIE!!!
Oh, you did write me back! I’ve been kinda worried that you’d have so much fun with your new friends that you’d forget to write. I checked the mailbox a lot at first, but the hinge broke and I had to have Big Mac fix it. After that, Mrs. Cake said I should take that trip to the Canterberry Streamer Factory I’d been talking about to 'work off some energy'.
So I did, and it was funnerific! Dashie, we've got to go there when everypony gets back! There’s this thing there that I just know you’re gonna love! It’s called the Pegasus Popper, and guess who they modeled it on?! The pony showing us around pulled the string and this little paper you flew out of the tube! It even had rainbow streamers attached to its butt and everything! Ooh, ooh, and then the best thing happened! The little pegasus blew up into rainbow confetti! It looked just like you do when you do the Sonic Rainboom!
It just screamed ‘awesome’! I loved it so much that I ran around and around the room until the guide said we needed a little break. I threw a leg around his shoulder and told him we needed to keep moving while the poppers were still popping, but he just rubbed his temples and said some of the ponies were a little over-stimulated and that we needed a little down time. I’m not sure what he meant, though. Everypony else was just rubbing their foreheads like he was. I thought maybe he was wrong and that they actually needed more energy, so I started belting out a little streamer song I’d been working on, but the guide said there was a strict ‘No Showtunes In the Building’ policy. Weird rule, huh?
Oh, but then I got back to Ponyville and Mrs. Cake forgot all about your letter! She’s had it in her room for days! Well, I ripped the envelope open and started reading it right there in the street, and I read it so hard that I pulled an eye muscle. Nurse Redheart had to give me a patch, so now I look like a pirate! So I went on a raid to the girl’s clubhouse and demanded that they surrender the donuts they bought from Sugarcube Corner to me or else I’d make ‘em walk the plank, yar! Well, they didn’t take that lying down and, well, let’s just say that donuts make good cannonballs! Tasty assaults are the best assaults!
So, anyway, Las Pegasus! I’ve heard they have tons of games there! It’s the gamiest place in all Equestria, and I love games! So what are they into there? Hide and Seek? Twenty Questions? Pin the Tail on the Pony?! How does anypony get any work done? I’d be too busy with all the board games!
And when it comes to griffons, well, I don’t think the Cakes are gonna let me try dead rabbit cupcakes in their kitchen. It might be better if you went with me next time, anyway. I told them I was totally sorry at least ten times, but they said I was full of ‘crepe’ and kicked me off their mountain.
But I’m too busy to go back and ungrump those griffons right now, anyway. I’m off to Confection Perfections in Salt Lick City! I’ve heard that they have candies there that have to be tasted to be believed, and I’m ready to be a believer!
With laughter (and donuts stuck in my tail),
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Wait. You slept with a griffon? Like, in a nest? Was it all pokey inside? They look super scratchy! Well, griffons seem like they'd kinda be grouchy bed-hogs to me, but you’re pretty fearsome, so I guess you could keep them from stealing all the covers. Ooh, now I want to give being fearsome a shot, too! I’m gonna go wait in a bush and pounce on the next pony that comes by!
July 15th
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Heck yeah, there’s games! Although, there’s not really any games you would know.
Like, there’s roulette, where you put a ball in a spinning wheel and try to guess which numbered whole the ball will fall into. I played it with my boss Booster last week and ended up losing all of his bits. He won’t let me use his money anymore.
Sucks about your tour of that factory, by the way. Although, you kinda brought it on yourself. You’re kinda... exuberant (like that word? I heard Twilight use it once. She was talking about you, actually, when she said it).
But yeah, maybe going on a guided tour isn’t something you should be doing for fun. Other ponies on tours can’t keep up with you. Do your own thing at your own pace.
Also, going to see the griffons is... not what I wanna do right now. They’re not pleasant, Pinkie. I don’t think you’re ever gonna make friends with them. You might just wanna make peace with that.
Plus, they don’t even like me. I mean, they used to tolerate me because I was a demon in the sack (...don’t worry about what that means), but they never actually considered me a friend. I’m sure it’s worse now that I’ve told Gilda to take a hike.
...So yeah, no more griffons in my life.
Oh, before I forget, there’s something I need to ask you. I don’t get back for a while, but I’d really like it if you got started on this idea I had for a party.
See, a few days ago, I got this acceptance letter from the Wonderbolts. You wanna know what I did?
I torched that shit, Pinkie. Set it on fire. No more Wonderbolts.
I. Feel. Awesome.
You’re the first I’m telling about this, because I want you to know that when I get back, I want the Pinkie-est Pinkie Pie Party you can muster. I’m talking using your whole arsenal of party canons. Get that DJ I really like. What’s her name? Like, Lyra or something?
It doesn’t matter. The point is, I feel great, and you should too. Hopefully you read this sooner than later, because I want the party to be epic to the max. Write back soon, kay?
With feelings of awesomeness,
Rainbow Dash
P.S.- Griffon coats are really scratchy, but that makes them awesome to grind yourself against.
July 22nd, 2013
Dear Dashie,
Whoa! You burned your Wonderbolts acceptance letter?! Why?! Isn't that your dream, Dashie? You’ve wanted to be a Wonderbolt since, like, ever! Was it because of that time when they strapped you to that big thing that made you all dizzy, because that looked kinda fun to me! That captain pony did seem kinda grouchy, though.
But, now that I think about it, you’re on the weather team, and that’s way more important than the Wonderbolts. I mean, the Wonderbolts come around every once in a while and they’re all zoom! Woosh! all over the place! Then everypony’s jaws drop open and I usually end up getting a bug in my mouth. But the weather team brings sunlight and warm breezes! They bring snow for sliding on and rain for puddle-jumping! When you’re on the weather team, you’re bringing happiness every day to thousands of ponies!
I’m not sure why you don’t want to be a Wonderbolt, but if you’re happy, then we’re happy! I missed you so bad when you went to that academy that I followed Twilight around all over the place telling her all about the time you went to the Wonderbolts Academy and I missed you a lot. It wasn’t too long after that that we went up to see you. Anyway, I’m happy you’ll be around.
Wait, you are going to be around, right? Did you get a better offer?! Are you going to be something better than a Wonderbolt?! Like a SuperDuperTerrificbolt?! Does that mean you’ll be leaving us? Okay, I’m going to start packing as soon as I get back to Ponyville! We'll go together!
Oh, but you wanted a party first thing! Don’t you worry! Pinkie Pie’s on a mission that's got you covered! Don’t tell anypony, but it's a secret mission. It’s like one of those lava cakes. You know, the delicious, chocolate-y ones that have all that super yummy fudge-y goo hidden inside, all melty and warm? It’s like that! The mission is like that chocolate outside part, and the secret is the gooey, yummy part that you discover later! But trust me, when you get back, you’re gonna love it!
I’ll give you a little sneak peek, though. Right now, I’m on my way to Confection Perfections in Salt Lick City. They make candy, but it’s not just plain ol’ boring super delicious candy. It’s experimental! Remember when Twilight thought everypony had stirrup throat because everypony but me had green tongues? Remember how I was cracking up when I told her it was just my jawbreaker? Confection Perfections made that. It was a magical jawbreaker that turns everypony else’s tongue colors instead of your own!
Well, I wrote to them a few weeks ago, and they said I could come and look at all their new, never-eaten-by-a-pony-before candies! I had to sign some waivers and whatever, and agree to try a bunch of stuff without pay, but who needs to get paid to eat candy?! I usually pay them! Hopefully, I’ll pick up some supplies for my secret mission there. I’ve got my night vision goggles just in case!
Oh, and maybe I’ll worry about making friends with the griffons later. I couldn’t think of a good way to ask anypony if they knew where I could get a dead rabbit.
With laughter (and a serious jones for jawbreakers),
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Sorry this letter is so late. Mrs. Cake’s been holding onto my mail when I’ve been out of town and she forgot to give this big stack to me when I got back. I was so excited to get your letter a few days ago that I pulled an eye muscle reading it and Nurse Redheart had to give me an eyepatch for a while. Let's just say I played a lot of pirate-y jokes to ponies until the hospital made me give it back. You could say that I made everypony walk the prank!
August 4th
Dear Pinkie,
Yeah, I know it was my dream and stuff, but... stuff happened. I realized that I care about you girls than being famous and all over Equestria.
I’m not gonna be a superbolt or whatever, I’m gonna teach foals how to fly full time when I get home. Don’t question why, I just wanna do it. That being said, there’s no need for you to pack anything (seriously, I’m not going anywhere, cool your friggin’ jets).
Also... whatever you have planned that requires secrecy... you know what? I’m not even going to think about it. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do when you’re out getting your candy and stuff, okay? I don’t wanna have to get a telegram from a jail in Trottingham or whatever saying that you’re being held without bail. I know it’s like a month or so before we all come back, but I know you. You can create a lot of havoc in that amount of time. It’s what I both love and hate about you... don’t try and think too hard about that.
Anyway, for the last time, stop trying to make friends with the Griffons. I know this is hard for you to understand, Pinkie, so read each word carefully...
They.
Will.
Never.
Like.
You.
And it’s nothing to do with you, well, okay, maybe it’s a lot to do with you, but don’t think there’s anything actually wrong with you. The griffons are just a big pack of jerks, plain and simple. I don’t wanna have to get a letter from you describing how you tried to mail them a giant box of Angel’s brothers and sisters or whatever.
Anyway, work’s been pretty stressful lately, that’s why it’s taken me so long to respond. I’m paying for this by writing back everyone at once. It’s pretty lame, but also nice, because I’m talking to everyone again. Has Rarity written to you at all? I just recently got a letter from her finally, and it seems like she’s having a really bad time out in Baltimare. I’d say aside from you and Fluttershy, the rest of us are having a lot of degrees of suck during this summer, although, I am feeling a lot better than I was a month ago.
Write back soon, Pinkie. Also, stay out of trouble if you can help it.
Your friend,
Rainbow Dash
August 15th
Dear Dashie!!!
Wow, am I tired! I’m in Appleoosa right now at the Pie-oneer Diner, and I can't seem to wake up. So, I’m just sitting here, thinking about my friends and drinking my hot chocolate. I didn't even put in any cream or sugar. Just drinking it black. It’s been that kind of a morning. Plus, I sort of ate all the sugar and drank all the little creamers when I came in.
Last night was the big Radioherd concert they’ve been advertising for a while. I was so ready for that show that I stood in line for a week. I don’t know why it took so long, but finally some other ponies started to show up, which was really good 'cause I was getting pretty hungry. They ended up traded me a couple of ice cream sandwiches and some root beer for my place in line. Good deal, huh? Those ice cream sammies were neapolitan!
So, then these other ponies came, and they had some leftover pizza, so I traded them, too! The next ponies were just so nice that I just let them go ahead of me. Somehow, I ended up in the back of the line, but my tummy was full so that was okay.
I finally got in and the show was super radicalicious! Did I do that right? You always say I don’t say the cool stuff cool enough. I did put on some sunglasses just now, so that should cool it up some. Well, they aren’t exactly sunglasses. They’re more like old-pipe-cleaners-that-I-found-at-the-bottom-of-my-saddlebag-and-that-I-twisted-all-up-into-some-totally-super-freshistically-radtacular-funglasses! I’m really turning some heads in here with my style!
I’d been writing a letter to Twilight at the show, but, well, there were a lot of really excited ponies there. I ended up getting knocked over and sort of stepped on a lot. I’m covered in horseshoe-shaped bruises. They hurt a lot, but I do kinda look like one of Rarity’s designer hoofbags.
Oh, and I have a bone to pick with you girls! Twilight told me all about how you guys made a big mess and had to get together to fix it! If you guys are going to have all this fun making a building for grumpy Las Pegasus ponies that all tap their hooves all the time, then you gotta invite me! I really wanna see Twilight use that boomerang and your rrraaaaawwwwwmmmm-y flying-all-over-the-place noises are the best when you’re flying all over the places with all kind of cool spins and twists and stuff. I can’t believe I missed that! Plus, Applejack made me her Official Tool Holder when I helped her build that silo last spring. She said maybe I should stick to what I’m good at, so Las Pegasus was my time shine, Rainbow!
But I forgive you girls. You were probably in a big hurry with all that hoof-tapping going on, so maybe next time.
One thing I don’t get, though. You’re in a city full of games and your job is to fly all over the place showing ponies how to fly all over the place, so how can you not be loving it there?! Dashie, that should to be a total blast! Are you playing games with cheaters or something? That’s no fun at all.
I guess I should go. This is supposed to be a bottomless cup of hot chocolate, but I think they might be wrong. I keep turning it over, but the bottom is still there. Unfortunately, the table is pretty wet now, and a sorta sticky. It smells really yummy, though! I pointed that out to the waitress, but she just glared at me and asked if it wasn’t time that I settled up the bill. I guess I’ll have to function on twenty-eight cups of hot chocolate. I hope that’s enough to keep me awake the rest of the day.
With laughter (and a big yawn),
Pinkie Pie
P.S. When you say that the griffons with never like me, is that even without the yucky dead rabbit cupcakes? I've been trying out regular cupcakes with two biscotti stuck in the tops. They look pretty rabbit-y to me. Wasn't almond extract one of those things griffons hunted all the time? I think Twilight said that once.