//------------------------------// // AVGN vs Rainbow Dash -FIGHT!- // Story: Nerd Rage! // by Boomstick Mick //------------------------------// Rarity and Apple Jack watched in horror as the savage display unfolded before them. Pinkie Pie had her bowl of popcorn ready as she spectated with rapt amusement. Fluttershy, still not yet recovered from her traumatic events with the shitty game The Nerd had exposed her to, shook and shivered in a fetal position in the corner. The Nerd and Rainbow Dash rolled around on the ground trading a flurry of fast and furious blows, and being the warrior poets they both were, they howled and spat structureless profanity at each other as they did so. Luna turned to her older sibling. "Sister, what should we do?" "I have already sent a telepathic message to Cadence," Celestia replied sedately. "She is on her way here to alleviate the animosities between these two." "You think, maybe, we should hold them back until she gets here?" inquired Luna, anxious. Her eyes were once again drawn to the fighting. The spectacle was like a snuff film to her: horrendous as hell, yet she couldn't tear her eyes away. "I ain't getting in the middle of that," replied Celestia, gesturing toward the skirmish. The Nerd was gaining the upper hand as he introduced Rainbow Dash intimately to the stone floor with a Rock Bottom. He then ripped the sleeve of his wank arm clean off his shirt before he threw it aside, then deployed a vicious people's elbow on the downed mare. The Nerd stood and howled in triumph as he beat his chest. He then produced two beers from his pockets. He pried them open with his teeth, held them high over his head, upended them, and proceeded to drink them in a way that would have made Stone Cold Steve Austin proud. The two cascading rivulets of Roll n' Rock managed to reach his mouth, but most of it drenched what was left of his tattered, one-sleeved shirt, and ran down his chest like a foaming wave rolling over the shore. It had appeared, however, that The Nerd was celebrating his victory a bit too early, as he felt two sturdy forelegs lock around his waist. Startled, James dropped his beers. "What the f--" he managed to stammer before he became the newest resident of Suplex City, and Rainbow Dash was the mayor welcoming him to town. The pain was like an explosion of colors behind his eyes as his head met with the unyielding stone floor. James scrambled to his feet, but just as he was catching his balance, Applejack threw Rainbow Dash a steel folding chair, which she promptly used to slam The Nerd across the forehead, reacquainting him with the ground. James rubbed at the welt on his brow. "That was a fucking cheap shot, you bitch!" "Bitch is right!" Rainbow Dash agreed as she discarded the now-dented chair and took to the air. "And you're about to be mine." She folded her wings in midair, then descended toward him, belly first. James, thinking quickly, bent and lifted his leg, countering Rainbow Dash's Splash by letting her land on his knee. The mare let out a loud, anguished 'oof' as her gut took the full brunt of the impact. But she was quick to recover. She grabbed The Nerd by his collar. The Nerd managed to acquire a fistful of her mane, and eventually, the combatants had found themselves fighting in the same way they had when their spat began, rolling around on the ground, spitting curses as they traded blows. "Hey, you two!" A feminine voice abruptly called out, causing the two bitter adversaries to come to an instant stop. They directed their gazes toward the source of the voice and said "What the fuck do you want!" in unison. Cadence was standing before them, glaring admonishingly. To Rainbow Dash, she was The Princess of The Crystal Empire. To James, she was just another goddamn talking horse. "Knock that shit off!" Cadence demanded. The Nerd frowned defiantly. "No cartoon fucking pink horse tells me what to—" Cadence glared at him, silencing him. Rainbow Dash pointed an accusing hoof at The Nerd. "But he started—" Cadence turned her glare toward her, silencing her. Her gaze transitioned between them before she finally demanded, "Hug and make up. You don't want to make me say it again." Rainbow Dash and James just sneered in disgust at one another. "Hug, damn you!" Cadence stamped the ground as she channeled the powers of Mati. "Heart, bitches!" James was suddenly overwhelmed with a torrent of light, but it soon passed. "Did something just taste pink for a second?" he mused, but then he remembered Rainbow Dash. She was laying there next to him, leering at him suggestively. "Why the fuck are you looking at me like tha— oh, god!" The Nerd was suddenly assaulted, but not in the way he expected. "Get the fuck off of me!" He demanded. "I love you too, you asshole," Rainbow Dash cooed affectionately as she tightened her embrace around him. "Get off!" The Nerd demanded again before headbutting her in the muzzle, which she responded by nuzzling her bloodied face against his. "You sick fuck, what's your problem!" "Oh my," Luna commented. "It didn't seem to work on the human." "Get this bitch off of me!" James exclaimed. "The human may be incapable of affection," Cadence explained as Rainbow Dash continued her non-consensual barrage of affection. She stroked her chin with a pensive hoof and added, "Either that, or my magic just isn't on the same frequency as the human's mind. I could give it another try, but, if I use too much power, there is a good chance that it might stimulate Rainbow Dash's estrus... And then she may try to... Uh..." "She'll try to what?" The Nerd managed to free his arms. He used his now-liberated hands to push her face away from his. "She'll try to what!" he repeated impatiently. Cadence thought for a moment. "She, uh... Might try to make a Centaur with you." "Well," said The Nerd, his jaw tightening, "I guess I could just add 'raped by a cartoon pony' to my list of reasons to kill myself." "Fear not, human," Cadence assured him. "I would never do such a thing." "Oh, well, that's good then." "Unless you piss me off," Cadence added. James was finding it harder and harder to fend off the cerulean mare's advances. "Well, what pisses you off?" "Fighting," Cadence answered curtly. "You got it!" The Nerd agreed enthusiastically. "No more fighting with anyb— or pony, I mean -- now, get this bitch off of me!" "Good." Cadence gave him a cautioning look. "And I don't care if Rainbow Dash starts it -- it will end with you, got it? And If I hear about you engaging in another altercation with Rainbow Dash, or anypony else -- I'll see to it that every mare in Equestria passes you around like a joint at a drum circle, got it?" "Fine, fine," The Nerd agreed impatiently. "Just get her off of me!" Cadence's horn flickered as she released the spell. Celestia inclined her head gratefully. "Thank you, Princess Cadence. I don't know what we would have done without you." "No worries. I'll send you the bill," Cadence chuckled as she sauntered her way out of the throne room, to return to whatever business she was engaged in before she was interrupted. Rainbow Dash's eyelids fluttered, as if she had awoken from a deep sleep. "Why do I taste pink?" She asked before looking down in shock at her foe with no recollection as to why she was laying on top of him. "Get off me, you fucking weirdo!" She demanded, her hoof connecting with flesh in a resounding slap. James rubbed his reddening cheek. "You, were on top of me,[/] you fucking cun...." James silenced himself as he remembered Princess Cadence's threat. He awkwardly cleared his throat before speaking again. "I don't feel like fighting anymore, okay? You're winner. Congratu-fucking-lations." "Damn right!" Rainbow Dash said triumphantly. "Come see me again if you ever want to taste the painbow." "Sure, whatever," James was forced to concede. He was a bit irritated that he was being forced to let her have the last word, but he knew he would have his retribution later. He was already thinking of the cruelest way to punish her. Only the shittiest of the shitty games in his library would do when her time came. "Nerd?" Celestia addressed James curiously. "Yeah?" He responded. "I don't see my pupil with you. Did she choose to stay?" "She wanted to stay behind and 'study' my world -- namely my 3DS." "That sounds like her," The Princess stated proudly. "I can't wait to hear about all that she has learned. Which reminds me, did Fluttershy happen to teach you anything?" "I learned something about her," James stated as he pointed to the sunflower colored mare balled up shivering in the corner of the throne room. "She doesn't like shitty games." "Oh..." Princess Celestia turned a sorrowful, sympathetic gaze toward Fluttershy. "I was hoping that she would have shared the virtues of kindness with you." James shrugged. "I shared my beer with her. That's something, right?" Celestia rubbed her temples and sighed, "This isn't going as smoothly as I expected." "Why don't you give me somebody tougher?" James suggested, a malevolent grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "Somebody who would be more of a challenge?" "What do you mean by 'challenge?'" Celestia inquired suspiciously. "Oh, uh, a challenge for -- uh, somebody I can teach about stuff?" James said, fabricating his lie with a peculiarly awkward grace. Celestia narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "That's good, because I would hate to think that you're simply wasting this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to discover your inner harmony by torturing my most beloved subjects." "Trust me," The Nerd said with a scowl, "I'm not much of a torturer. The game designers at LJN are far better at that shit than I could ever be." "LJN?" James, fearful that just by conversing about the shittiest game company in existence may bring about a horrible Vietnam flashback of his wasted childhood, quickly changed the subject. "I think I know who will be accompanying me back to my world, princess." Celestia's eyes widened in surprise, "I'm glad you seem so eager," she replied, astonished by The Nerd's sudden enthusiasm. "Who shall it be, I wonder?" James rubbed his chin attentively before he made his choice. "You, little miss generosity." He pointed to the snow white Unicorn. "Are you addressing me, darling?" Rarity replied, placing a hoof upon her chest. "Who the fuck else would I be talking to?" James answered. "It's go time, little miss priss. Bring your ass over here." Rarity harrumphed with her nose in the air. "I'll not deign to follow a demand barked in such an uncouth manner. You will behave like a gentleman in my presence, or you shan't speak to me at all." "Is that right?" The Nerd said with a pissed off look on his face. "I think I'm going to enjoy this."