Admiral Brigadier Captain General Commodore Corporal Commander Pinkie Pie gazed down at the hustle and bustle of the primary command center’s main operational theatre: the control stations were arranged in a series of tiers, and a vast array of giant holo-screens depicted scenes of battle throughout the massive metropolis. The city had been a constant warzone for nearly a decade, but damage reports had begun to spike sharply in the last twenty minutes alone.
She let out a yawn and tightened the belt on her fuzzy, oversized bathrobe. She crossed the raised walkway, came to the central chair in the center of the hall, and flopped into the seat.
Somepony approached her, politely. “Um, there’s—”
Pinky Pie waved her away, irritated, and pointed at the deck officer to her immediate left. “You there: deploy the alpha protocol! With extreme prejudice!”
The officer nodded and pressed a button on his console. Pinkie Pie’s command chair leaned back and a footrest extended from the base. The chair was reclined far enough that she was laying flat on her back. She kicked her legs in the air in a failed attempt to sit upright.
“Excuse me, Admiral Brigadier Captain General Corporal Commander Pinkie Pie?”
“That’s Admiral Brigadier Captain General Commodore Corporal Commander, to you!” She waved a hoof in the air. “Couldja maybe reel in the extreme prejudice just a bit? Call it... excessive prejudice, maybe.”
The officer adjusted a dial and the chair propped her up at a forty-five degree angle.
“Almost there,” she said.
The chair lifted a few more degrees.
“Ahh, perfect!” she stretched her back with a satisfying crick. “How much prejudice is this, anyways?”
The officer glanced at the labels on the dial. “ ‘Severe’, Commander.”
“Perfect. Somepony write that down.” She pulled a can of soda out of a mini-fridge built into the base of the chair, then glanced at the busy crowd all around. “So what’s the big deal?”
“The city of New New New Ponytropolis is currently under attack.”
She tossed the can at him, bouncing it off his visor. “Yeah, no duh. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“...By aliens.”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes snapped open. “Aliens? Like... from outer space?”
“Our main ground force reports visual confirmation of ‘freaky-ass crystal ponies’ that flew down in a ‘giant hovery crystal-ma-jig’ of some sort.”
“Flying? Why didn’t the missile thingies take them out? What am I pretending to give them full-medical-partial-dental for!?” She pointed at the array of holo-monitors. “Gimme a vid-feed on the main screen!”
The largest holo-screen flickered and switched to a direct video feed of the city’s main highway: a small army of marines and heavy vehicles were unleashing their combined firepower with reckless abandon. A squadron of aircraft circled the enemy like vultures.
Pinkie Pie squinted at the screen. “Drop a com-sat scan on quadrant three. Zoom and enhance!”
The view centered on the intense battle and closed in. The enemy was almost completely obscured by the constant barrage of bullets and explosions: the screen switched to a composite view of the command center’s sensor array: thermal-imaging, radar, and energy signatures all merged into a single video feed, bringing every little detail into view.
The enemy targets were a pair of normal-sized ponies with crystalline bodies and gemstone manes. They were advancing on the command center at a leisurely stroll, squinting at the barrage all around them. The one in front, a female, paused to take out a fancy-looking parasol made of gold and jewels: she opened it and leaned it against her shoulder, and a dome of energy glimmered into existence above her. A thick swarm of heavy assault gunships circled overhead, but the streams of machinegun fire plinked against the glowing hexagonal pattern harmlessly. Even the constant deluge of artillery blasts splashed off with no noticable effect.
“There’s just two of ’em!?” Pinkie Pie slammed her front hoof against the cushioned armrest of her chair. “We’re getting our flanks kicked by just two dudes!? I thought I told you to zoom and enhance!”
“We... we did, commander! This is the highest resolution we can manage!”
“Well do it again! And this time, enhance it so we’re winning!”
The officer went back to his console, frantically. “I could... replay a recording of a previous battle where we win! Would that work?”
“No... it hasn’t come to that. Not yet at least.” Pinkie Pie leaned forward and steepled her hooves. “What about those air dudes? I don’t recognize them.”
The pony to her right cleared her throat, very softly. “Um. Actually, they’re—”
“Ut-ut-ut!” Pinkie Pie waved the pony away again. “Don’t bother me with the details! I’m trying to think of a super-awesome battle plan!”
“That’s okay, but... well... I think—”
Pinkie Pie pointed at one of the officers on the lower deck. “You there! Army commander dude! Do we have any marines on the battlefield?”
“Indeed we do, Admiral Brigadier Captain General Commodore Commander Corporal Pinkie Pie. Seventeen whole battalions of marines.”
Pinkie Pie slapped her forehead. “Of course! I know what’ll work: we’ll send out even more marines!”
The army commander shook his head. “Impossible, Commander! We can’t—”
“Don’t you talk back to me! Marines solve everything!”
“Obviously,” he said, “but we don’t have any more in reserve. We’ve deployed every last one.”
Pinkie Pie flopped back into her chair. “Welp, I’m all out of ideas.”
Somepony tapped Pinkie Pie’s shoulder very gently. She turned to look, and flinched in alarm as she saw the bright yellow pony standing beside her chair: She had long pink hair and was dressed in a grey, skin-tight wetsuit covered with straps and stealth gadgets.
“Aaah! Fluttershy!?” Pinkie Pie leaped up and hid behind the back of the chair. “How long have you been there!?”
“Oh, not too long.” She looked away and pawed at the floor. “You, uh... told me to stay here while you went to the bathroom. Yesterday. They locked the doors and turned out the lights.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re here now,” said Pinkie Pie. “What took you so long, anyways?”
Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak but Pinkie cut her off with a wave.
“Never mind that. We’ve got a pair of freaky-deaky aliens to wipe off the planet, and I’m all out of ideas!”
Fluttershy pointed at the main screen. “Those aircraft are pegasus units, and they’re attacking the aliens instead of us... right?”
“Yup. So?”
“Well, if the Pegasus are willing to help us, maybe the Unicorns will as well.”
Pinkie Pie frowned at her. “Unicorns...? How do you know if they’ll help us?”
“Well, we—”
Pinkie Pie spun around and pointed a hoof at Fluttershy’s nose. “You’re a filthy Unicorn spy, aren’t you!? Admit it! That’s how you know so much about unicorns! You’re one of them!”
“But—”
Several nearby officers whipped out giant rocket launchers and pointed them at Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie marched towards her, furious. “I knew I couldn’t trust anypony! Even after I took you in and cared for you all those years, you betrayed me!”
Fluttershy glanced to each side. “I-i-it’s not true! I can prove it, too!”
Pinkie squinted at her. “Oh yeah? You got two seconds.”
Fluttershy pointed at her forehead. “I don’t have a horn.”
Pinkie Pie stared at her forehead. “Hmm... so it seems. But! Are you a spy?”
“I’m your spy. I work for you.”
“Right, right. Very well then. Your trust is restored.” Pinkie Pie pointed at her own eyes, then at Fluttershy’s face. “...For now.”
The deck officers tucked their giant missile launchers back under their consoles and went back to work.
Fluttershy stroked a lock of her hair aside. “Right. So.”
Pinkie Pie bounced back into the command chair. “Yeah, the whole aliens thing. You got any bright ideas?”
“One.” She tapped at a nearby control panel, and a viewscreen lit up with a picture of a giant space-station in low-orbit: most of it was built to serve as a shipyard. “The Pegasus have just finished constructing a giant experimental battleship: the whole thing is practically made of guns, and nothing else. Its primary armament is a new plasma cannon that can punch through three and a half meters of neo-steel plate armor. It’s powered by a new type of fusion reactor, so it can only fire once or twice before recharging. If the plasma cannon can penetrate the alien’s energy shields, its secondary weapon batteries should be enough to finish them off.”
Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “Wow, you sure know a lot about experimental pegasus technology. We didn’t know that thing even existed before now!”
Fluttershy let out a rapid, staccato laugh. “Me? No! Why would... I mean, it’s not like I’m...” She stepped backwards and her eyes darted from side to side.
Pinkie Pie grinned at her. “You must be the best super-spy ever! Great work!”
She nodded. “Exactly right! I... am great spy! Thank you!”
Pinkie Pie stood up and gestured grandly. “Open communications with Pegasus High Command!”
A chorus of gasps echoed through the command center. Eventually, the main screen switched to a view of the Pegasus leader, Grand Admiral Hurricane, seated at the operational theatre of her impregnable orbital space station. She was dressed in a full admiral’s uniform, complete with epaulettes and a decorative helmet.
“Good afternoon, Admiral Brigadier Captain General Commodore Corporal Commander Pinkie Pie.” She turned to the side slightly. “Oh hey, Flutters. How’s it hangin’?”
Fluttershy gave her a slightly clenched smile. “I wouldn’t know, since we’ve never met!”
“So!” Hurricane said, “have you finally decided to surrender unconditionally and give us all your sweet, sweet minerals?
Pinkie Pie waved cheerfully at the imposing figure. “Ha, nopes! We’ve got a full scale alien invasion on our hooves. Busy busy!”
“Aliens?” Hurricane arched an eyebrow. “Like, from outer space and everything?”
She nodded. “Yup. They’re super-duper powerful, and we can’t fight ’em off alone. And if they aren’t stopped soon, they’ll probably try to blow up the world or something like in that one movie.”
“So what are you bothering me for? Deal with it.”
“Are you kidding? We got tanks and marines out there, and we didn’t even scratch ‘em!”
Hurricane gasped. “Tanks and marines? But... that blows up anything!”
“Yup. If we wanna survive, we’ll need flying dudes.” Pinkie leaned on her armrest and offered her rival a sultry look. “...Up for some two-vee-one?”
“You want me to team up with my worst enemy?” Hurricane stroked the chin of her helmet. “I dunno... has that ever been done before?”
“Probably not,” Pinkie Pie said, “but if we don’t do it now, we’re all toast.”
Hurricane gave her a single severe, solemn nod. “Very well. Two-vee-one.”
Pinkie Pie nodded back. “We got tanks and marines.”
“Surprise, surprise. Listen, did Flutter tell you about the battleship?”
Fluttershy smiled brightly. “Ha ha yes of course I told her that! Because I’m her spymaster, and I spy on pegasuses all the time!”
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “Obviously. Look, just launch that battleship thingy.”
Hurricane grinned. “It’s on its way.”
“Captain on deck!”
The bridge crew all stood up and saluted as Captain Spitfire marched to the helm. “Status report?”
“The HMS Unwieldy is go for combat operations! Primary magazines are fully loaded, and the anti-missile point defence grid is online. The ‘Naginata’ mega-blaster is ready for deployment, but the blue-fusion reactor core is only at forty five percent energy. We only have enough power for one shot.”
“With this ship, we’ll only need one shot.” Spitfire nodded to the communications officer. “What about the playlist?”
“We loaded everything from your iPod and set it to play each album randomly.”
“Switch to manual override and queue up the soundtrack for ‘Legendary Star-Fighter Laser Saga Thirteen’.”
“Yes ma’am!”
Spitfire pointed at the tactical officer. “Divert all power from shields and dump the energy into the core weapon systems!”
“We, uh, don’t have any shields. Ma’am. You stripped them out to make room for additional guns and ammunition.”
“Well that saves us some time.” Spitfire tapped a button on her console and opened a communications channel. “Tac-Com: this is the HMS Unwieldy, requesting permission to embark.”
Grand Admiral Hurricane’s voice came through the speaker. “Permission granted, Captain. I hereby charge you with operation ‘Hammer of Heaven’. Your objectives are as follows: Locate the enemy dudes and blow them up... by any means necessary.”
Spitfire saluted. “It’ll be my honor.”
“Grand Admiral out.”
Spitfire pointed at the communications officer. “Contact the station and have them release all docking clamps.”
The officer nodded. A moment later, all sense of gravity gave way: the ship fell into the atmosphere below and began tipping forward, and the bridge crew struggled to keep ahold of their consoles.
Spitfire climbed back into her chair and held on tight. “This ship isn’t flying... it’s plummeting! What the heck’s going on?” She looked around, watching the officers tumbling through the air and bouncing off the walls. “Helmspony!! Where the heck is the helmspony!?”
One of the officers looked back at her. “We don’t have a helmspony!”
“Why not!? Nevermind! Somepony grab ahold of the navigational console!” Spitfire scanned the various panels and controls. “Wait a second... we don’t have a navigational console! Why don’t we have a navigational console?”
The officer swam over to her chair and shouted over the roar of atmospheric entry. “The HMS Unwieldy doesn’t have any maneuvering thrusters!”
“Why not!?”
“You told the designers to remove all mobility systems to make room for more guns!”
“Hey, yeah... I did say that.” She slammed her hoof on the armrest. “Everypony, fire all weapons! I want our entire ammunition supply expended before we hit the ground!”
“Yes ma’am!”
The few officers still at their posts began pressing every button in sight. Massive streams of cannon fire surged out of the vessel, filling the upper atmosphere with a thick cloud of red-hot ordinance.
Spitfire slammed a hoof against her armrest. “Fire faster! Mash dem buttons!”
“We’re mashing as fast as we can, ma’am! We can’t—”
The intense heat and pressure of atmospheric entry wreathed the nose of the ship with flames, and the bridge’s viewing windows shattered apart. Spitfire clung to her chair as the bridge crew went tumbling into the wild blue yonder. The surface of the planet loomed below them: the ash-grey skyscrapers of New New New Ponytropolis seemed like a tiny model city.
Spitfire clenched her teeth and climbed up to the front of the bridge, her mane whipping about wildly. She reared up and thrust a defiant hoof to the sky as her battleship plummeted.
“I! Regret! Nothing!”
Pinkie Pie watched the display screen as the armored hull of the HMS Unwieldy fell through the lower atmosphere and crashed into the city. The vessel impacted the ground nose first with a deafening thud and its spine bent at an angle. The vessel remained balanced upright for a moment, then fell onto its back with enough force to quake the city.
Pinkie Pie tossed aside a half-empty bag of popcorn. “Talk about a disappointment... if Dirt Ponies had built that thing, it would have exploded in a huge ball of fire! It would’a been mushroom shaped, with a bunch of expanding fire-rings and everything.”
Hurricane sighed, exasperated. “Whelp, I’m all out of ideas.”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah, same here. I say we hide a underground for a million years and devolve into horrible mole-ponies. Anyone else game?”
Fluttershy cleared her throat, gently.
Pinkie Pie flinched in alarm. “Fluttershy! Didn’t see you there. What took you so long, anyways? We’ve got a full scale alien invasion on our hooves here!”
“We, uh... we have a launch silo, right?”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “Like, fifty of ’em. Why?”
“And are they armed...?”
“Yeah. So?”
Fluttershy nodded her on, encouragingly.
“I’m not seeing your so-called point here, Flutter. Why don’t you stick to spy-stuff, and leave the strategic thinking to us commanders?”
“Never mind.” Fluttershy took out a sniper rifle and activated the built in laser target designator. “Call off the attack and bring the forces back to a defensive position at least five hundred meters away from the enemy. I’ll try and take care of this.”
“Yeah, like a single sniper rifle will do us any good.” Pinkie Pie glanced back just as Fluttershy spread her wings and flew towards the exit. “Whoa! You can fly!?”
Fluttershy immediately dropped to the floor. “Aaah-ha-ha! Jumping! I was jumping! Spies can jump like, really good! We all get special jumping training in spy college and I gotta now go excuse me!”
Pinkie Pie settled back into her seat. “Wow. Jumping and invisibility? Being a spy must be totally sweet.”
Silence descended upon the battlefield. Executor Rarity peered out from under her parasol. The sky was clear of projectiles and the rain of chemical explosions had come to an end.
She folded up the parasol and put it away. “Well, finally! This planet has the strangest weather phenomenons I’ve ever seen. But environmental hazards are just another part of being an interstellar diplomat, I suppose.”
Blueblood scrunched his eyes shut and tapped the bridge of his nose. “Executor, I very much doubt this barrage was a naturally occurring—”
“Ut-ut-ut,” she said, “still another eleven minutes of gratuitous denial left. Shall we press on?”
“Of course, Executor.”
They continued walking down the main thoroughfare at a leisurely stroll. The crowd of soldiers and vehicles pulled far back enough that they were barely visible.
“Not much of a welcome party so far,” she said.
“Do you think we frightened them?”
“I don’t see why. We have yet to take any hostile action at all.”
“But what of our advanced technology? Perhaps they...” Blueblood’s voice trailed off and his pace slowed. “Executor? What’s that on the ground?”
Rarity looked ahead at a tiny dot of intense red light. She jogged towards it and knelt down for a closer look. “How odd... it appears to be a beam of light, optically amplified via the stimulated emission of electromagnetic radiation.” She looked back at Blueblood “Warp in a ‘Lense’, would you? There’s a dear.”
His eyes flared with psionic energy and a swirling vortex of blue light appeared in the air nearby. The warp field collapsed and the light faded, revealing a large hovering diamond attached to an articulate gold lattice. The gemstone twitched left and right, alert and observant. It focused on the tiny red dot, then turned to them with an affirmative bleep.
Blueblood nodded to Rarity. “Point of origin has been identified. Shall we go?”
“Indeed.”
Blueblood’s eyes flared again, and a field of blue energy surrounded them both. When the bubble faded away, they were standing in a different sector of the city. The Lense nodded towards a nearby lifeform: a yellow pony with pink hair, dressed in a skin-tight grey suit. She was crouching behind a short wall of rubble and pointing a long metal weapon down the street.
Rarity stepped forward and cleared her throat. “Pardon me?”
The yellow pony squealed and spun aroun, weapon at the ready. The bright red dot glowed on Rarity’s forehead for a moment longer, then vanished as the weapon let out an affirmative bleep. The pony stared at it for a moment, then rapidly pushed a button. “Oh-no-no-no-abort-abort-abort oh pretty please abort!”
Rarity offered her an elegant bow. “Greetings and well met. I know our sudden appearance must have startled you greatly, but we mean you no harm.”
Fluttershy’s eyes darted to the sky briefly, and sweat dripped down her forehead. “Oh. That’s... nice.”
“We are the Crytoss, and we come to form a peaceful alliance. Would you be so kind as to introduce us to your world leaders? There is much to discuss, and time is precious.”
“Oh? Oh! Yes of course! I’ll... go get them! Right now!”
Rarity smiled. “Marvelous. We’ll wait right here.”
“S’cuse me!” The native pony snapped her wings out and glided low across the highway at a breakneck pace.
Rarity watched her go, smiling politely. “There, see? There’s no problem that can’t be solved with a little courtesy and understanding.”
“As you say, Executor.”
Templar Blueblood took a moment to smooth out his mane. Rarity shuffled her hooves and adjusted the collar of her robe.
A moment later, the roof of the distant command center opened up. Rarity watched as a cluster of over fifty white contrails streaked into the sky and arced high overhead before descending directly towards them.
She leaned towards Blueblood and pointed at the trails of white smoke. “What do you suppose those are?”
Pinkie Pie watched the main viewscreen intently: the massive barrage of cruise missiles slammed into district seven of New New New Ponytropolis, incinerating more than a dozen city blocks with a mountain of radioactive fire. A series of tightly packed mushroom clouds rose up, many of which had even more mushroom clouds rising from their tops. The change in temperature and air pressure dispersed the densely polluted clouds above for the first time in a century. Flash fires washed across the roads like a tsunami, but sputtered out soon after they spread: there was no oxygen left to burn or breathe.
Pinkie Pie thrust her hooves upward. “Whoooo! Now that’s what I call blow’d up!”
The command crew all cheered together, and paper streamers and confetti filled the air. The celebration halted immediately as Flutteshy’s voice came over the loudspeakers.
“Um... commander?”
“Hey, you made it out!” said Pinkie Pie. “So how’d it go? Did the aliens get totally blow’d up, or super-duper-extra blow’d up?”
Fluttershy pressed herself back against a wall and smiled nervously at the two crystal ponies in front of her: Their elaborate golden robes were scuffled and grease-stained and their manes were now singed and tangled.
Fluttershy lifted her walkie-talkie. “Yeah... about that.”
Blueblood cleared his throat. “Personal plasma shields are holding at eighty-nine percent.”
“Eighty...!?” Fluttershy swallowed. “So... um. You’re probably... wondering...”
“Let’s try this again.” Rarity stepped forward, cleared her throat, and spoke emphatically. “Weee. Are heeere. To heeelp you. Take us...” She paused to point at herself. “...To your leeeader.”
Fluttershy tapped the buttons on her walkie talkie. “Well, there’s a lot of a lot of protocol to go through. I’m not sure if—”
A shimmer of blue light gleamed over the alien’s bodies.
“Personal plasma shields fully regenerated,” Blueblood said.
Fluttershy grinned at them both. “I’d be perfectly happy to help you right away!”
“Thank you,” said Rarity. “Now then. Your leader?”
“Well, um... which one do you mean?”
“Your world leader.”
Blueblood cleared his throat, politely. “Pardon, Executor. The surveyance data suggests there are three primary factions, all vying for dominance.”
“Ah yes, of course. Silly me.” She nodded to Fluttershy. “Who are the leaders of each major faction?”
“Well. Let’s see. There’s Commander Pinkie Pie, in command of the Dirt Ponies. Then there’s—”
“Wait-wait-wait,” said Blueblood. “Did you say Dirt Ponies?”
“Yes. They’re... that is, we’re named after the planet.”
“And what’s the planet named?”
“Dirtonis.”
Blueblood stared at her for a moment. “You named an entire planet after earth? After soil and rocks!? Who even does that?”
Rarity raised a hoof. “Let us not be judgmental, shall we?” She nodded to Fluttershy. “Please, continue.”
“There’s Grand Admiral Hurricane, who leads the pegasus ponies. Finally, there’s Professor Trixie, dean of the Unicorn University Ministry. They’re a very small group, but very powerful.” She leaned close and whispered harshly. “They have magic!”
Rarity arched an eyebrow. “You mean psionics?”
“I guess. We just call it magic.”
Rarity bit her lower lip and said nothing.
“So! Which leader did you want to meet with?”
Rarity nodded. “All of them.”
“Right. I’ll just...” Fluttershy gasped, eyes wide. “All of them!? You mean at the same time, all in the same place!?”
Rarity shrugged. “Why not? We’re here to speak with all this planet’s sapient races, as friends and allies.”
“No-no-no! You can’t just—”
“I don’t see why not.” Rarity walked towards the distant command center, head held high. “I’m sure they’ll understand as soon as they hear what we have to say.”