"I can't catch this pig," Fluttershy grumbled, trying her best not to give into the rage. Twenty minutes had passed, and she was already beginning to show the early warning signs of being pissed off.
"Yeah," The Nerd agreed with delight, his socked feet resting atop his table with a beer in hand. "They're some wily fuckers, that's for sure."
"Shut the... The gosh darn freaking hay up!" Fluttershy let slip, the words tumbling unbidden through her virgin lips. "I-I mean, please be quiet," She corrected herself. "I really need to focus."
"Just let your rage out," The Nerd encouraged her. "You'll feel better, I promise. It's like taking a ghost pepper nacho shit; it's smelly, unpleasant, and it burn's like hell, but you'll feel a lot better once you let it out of you."
Fluttershy tried her damnedest to drown out the combination of The Nerd's negative encouragement and the bland, shitty music coming from the game.
"Let me tell you something, Fluttershy," The Nerd continued, "for a game that's based on a story from the bible, this game is a load of unholy fuckness!"
Fluttershy finally let out a sigh of relief when she managed to capture the pig. But that was when the Glitch Gremlin decided to pay her a visit.
Inexplicably, just as Fluttershy was about to allow herself a triumphant 'yay,' the 8-bit swine inexplicably escaped her grasp and clipped through the pixilated ground, rendering it unobtainable.
Fluttershy's eye twitched.
A wicked smile began to stretch across James's face. "Oh, my," he said in faux dismay. "Guess you gotta start again."
Fluttershy suddenly snatched the beer out of James's hand and took a deep pull from the bottle before she started to rant: "Every time I grab this pig, he jumps out of my hands, and this music is driving me crazy! It wont stop! Not even for a second! Wait, no, calling it music is an insult to music -- it just sounds like mishmash of eight bit flatulence!" She tipped the bottle back again and emptied its contents, then slammed the receptacle down on the table so hard it cracked.
Concerned, Twilight Sparkle said, "Uhm, Fluttershy? Maybe you should just stop playing."
"No!" Fluttershy replied hotly.
The Nerd swung his legs off the table and stood. "You can't just let the game fucking win like that!" he put in as he hit the reset button on the console.
"Im'a teach this swine a lesson!" Fluttershy slurred, directing the character on screen to pick up a nearby rock. She had wasted no time in exacting her revenge on the pig the moment she was passed the start up screen.
"That's actually how you're suppose to do it," advised The Nerd as he retrieved another beer from his fridge.
Fluttershy stamped the B button on the controller and had Noah loose the rock from a distance, incapacitating the unsuspecting animal.
"Yeah!" The Nerd and Fluttershy both cheered.
Fluttershy scooped the Pig up, and finally brought him into the ark. "Teach you to mess with me!" She mumbled, before hiccuping all cute-like.
"Are you getting drunk?" The Nerd chuckled. "You had, like, one beer."
"Why does the old guy -hic- run faster than the camera?!" Fluttershy complained as she attempted to focus through her blurring vision. "It's nice to be able to move quickly when you need to get things done, but it's just an inconvenience when you can't see where you're going!"
"I know, right?" James agreed. "And why is everything so fucking brown? It's like a bowl of pixilated diarrhea that somebody ate then promptly vomited out all over a goddamn canvas."
Fluttershy had finally moved on after capturing the pigs and decided to go after the snakes. It took her nearly an hour mounting frustration and binge drinking before The Nerd dropped some hard reality on her.
"Hey, Fluttershy, guess what -- those snakes that have been climbing up and down those trees?
Fluttershy's paused the game, looked at him, hiccuped. "What -hic- about them?"
"They're' just a diversion," The Nerd revealed. "The real snakes you have to catch are located on top of a mountain. A mountain for which the only access point is a black hole you can just barely see blending into the background. You've been running past it this whole time."
"Why?" She said under her breath, trying with all her might to hold back her tears of frustration. "Why does this game have to trick me like that?"
"I don't know, it's just the way the asshole designers made the game."
"I... I'm done... I can't even anymore." Fluttershy dropped the controller. "This game... This game..."
The sky outside began to darken. An old man in a galaxy far far away could feel a disturbance in the force.
Twilight sparkle looked up from the 3DS. "Hey, Fluttershy... Are you okay?"
James threw his hands dramatically in the air. ♪Let it go, let it go♪ He sang enthusiastically. ♪Can't take this shitty game anymore♪
"Don't listen to him!" Twilight sparkle intervened. "Just breathe, okay?"
"Yeah, that's what I'd rather do." Fluttershy said. "I'd rather breathe..."
"Oh, good," Twilight said in her relief. "See that, Nerd? Fluttershy would never succumb to your—
"Through a jizz crusted sock!" Fluttershy cut her off.
"Oh, no!" Twilight sparkle panicked.
♪Let it go, let it go♪ The Nerd continued. ♪Your fuckin' mom is a whore♪
"I'd rather give birth to an Ursa major than play this shit for one more second!"
"Yeah!" The Nerd cheered as he handed her another beer. "I don't know what the fuck that is, but fuck yeah! Tear that shitty game a new one!"
She swiped the beer from his hands and slogged it down in a rather unladylike fashion.
James wringed his hands maniacally. "What else would you rather do?"
The miffed mare, approaching black out drunk, slung the bottle across the room. "I'd rather -hic- slurp the fermented baby gravy from the cock of a three day old dead moose on the side of the -hic- road!"
Twilight Sparkle's eyes went wide. "Fluttershy!"
"Yeah!" Cheered The Nerd again, as he handed her another beer. "What else would you rather do?"
"I'd rather swim through a pool filled with razor blades! I'd rather wipe my ass with sandpaper! I'd rather have my face cut off and worn like a jock strap!" She then tipped her beer back and quaffed it down with just a couple of deep gulps. "I'd... Fuck... Gargoyles...Celestia's tits..." She continued on with her string of barely intelligible curses, every word increasingly more incoherent than the last, untill she finally toppled over, hitting the floor with a soft thud.
James nudged her with a socked foot. "You alright?"
"Fuggoff..." And then Fluttershy started to snore.
"One down," The Nerd said with a triumphant smile. "Five more to go." He then scooped the pissed off and passed out Fluttershy in his arms and laxed back on the couch. "Alright, how do we get back to your world?" He asked, but Twilight Sparkle did not seem to hear him.
"OBJECTION!" Twilight cheered, clapping her hooves together. "This game is so fun!"
"Hey!" roared The Nerd.
Twilight, startled, nearly dropped her gaming device. "What?"
"How do we get back to your world?" The Nerd demanded.
Twilight Sparkle sighed, collected her faculties, then sank back in the beanbag chair. "Click your heals together three times, then say 'there's no place like Equestria.'"
James blinked."You can't be fucking serious..."
"As prostate cancer," The Princess responded, her eyes never leaving her game.
"Aren't you coming too?"
"Nah, I still have a lot of research to do here."
"What the fuck could you possibly be learning about my world from playing Phoenix Wright?"
"For starters," Twilight explained, "how the justice system works in your world. It's a lot more fun than the tribunal system we have back home."
The Nerd rolled his eyes at her dumb-assed excuse, a gesture that Twilight Sparkle didn't notice."Fine, you can stay, but don't touch anything while I'm gone."
"Yeah, yeah." Twilight Sparkle waved a nonchalant hoof at him. "Off with you, now."
James looked down at his socked feet hesitantly, the inebriated Fluttershy in his arms, who would occasionally groan a curse between her loud snores. He let out a sigh of reluctance before clicking his socked heals together, and grumbled the incantation under his breath. "There's no place like Equestria..."
"Louder," Twilight advised him.
James sighed again. "There's no place like Equestria," he mumbled.
"With exuberance," Twilight added. "And you have to smile when you say it."
"Why?"
"That's just how Equestrian magic works."
James, the facial expression all but alien to him, had to muster all the strength he could to contort his sour visage into a smile, which was so forced and awkward, it could have made a T-800 flinch. "There's no place like Equestria!" The Nerd attempted with exaggerated exuberance. He waited in anticipation for something to happen, but nothing happened.
"Pffff," Twilight jeered, "I can't believe I actually got you to say it!" She giggled.
The Nerd frowned, unamused by the lavender troll's insufferable antics. "You're a real bitch, aren't you?"
After the mirthful mare had finally managed to staunch her laughter, she wiped her eyes and offered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'll send you back home, Nerd." The tip of her horn glowed, and a section of the floor seemed to give way to a swirling portal. "Just stand over that, and you'll be back in Canterlot in no time. Oh, and I'll make sure to keep it open for you, so Luna won't have to strain herself again."
"Wait, it took your princess nearly twenty minutes to open one of these, and you just did it instantly," The Nerd pointed out in a distrusting tone.
"My world is on the same wavelength as my magic; it's easier to conjure a portal entering my world than it is to exit it."
"Makes sense, I guess," The Nerd conceded. He collected the inebriated Fluttershy and stepped into the portal. And as he began to sink through it, he left Twilight with a parting message: "Don't touch—
"'Anything," Twilight finished for him. "Yeah, I got it."
There was a quick flash before The Nerd's eyes. He suddenly found himself traveling through a tunnel of light. A vaguely identifiable object that looked somewhat similar to a blue telephone booth nearly collided with him in his descent. "Watch where you're going, asshole!" He shouted after the blue monolith as it continued to spin and tumble off into the distance.
The Nerd continued to descend until he noticed a disk of light. He could feel its gravitational pull guiding him toward it. When the light all around him subsided, he once again found himself standing in the throne room.
All the mares in attendance were gawking at him.
"Oh, my!" Exclaimed Celestia, indicating the unconscious mare in James's arms. "Is she alright?"
The Nerd laid Fluttershy out before the two princesses. "Doubt it, she's been exposed to a massive amount of shittyness."
Luna stepped forward, her horn aglow with a mysterious dark light. She then lowered her head and engulfed Fluttershy with some sort of spell.
"The hell are you doing?" The Nerd had to know.
"I'm scanning her."
"You're casting scan, like in Final Fantasy?"
Luna, ignoring the human, furrowed her brow in a concerned manner. "It's just as I thought."
"Sister, what is it?" inquired Celestia.
"She has been exposed to copious amounts of shitty game poisoning."
"Prognosis?"
"She will recover, but she may need to undergo therapy... And possibly dialysis."
Fluttershy's eyes finally fluttered open.
"Welcome back," Luna greeted her
"How are you feeling?" Celestia asked. "Did you learn anything new while in the human world?"
"I learned..." Fluttershy whispered weakly. "I don't like shitty games."
James nodded contently as he watched the interaction unfold, but it didn't take him long to realize that a certain rainbow-maned pony was not in attendance.
"Uhm, Sugarcube?" A blonde mare wearing a brown stetson addressed The Nerd with a fearful look in her eyes.
"What?" James answered. "You want to go next?"
"Not particularly," She responded, "but if ah were you, darlin', ah would run."
"From what?" The Nerd scoffed in response before feeling a firm tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Rainbow Dash hovering before him.
She glared at him for a moment. Then she said, "What's up, dead man?"
The Nerd backed away a few step to put some distance between them, but Rainbow Dash followed him.
"Whats up with you?" James finally asked.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking about that shit you pulled before you disappeared like a little bitch."
"Oh?" The Nerd responded with a smirk, recognizing the challenge in her tone. "Liked that shit, did ya?"
"Not really," she growled through a row of clinched teeth.
"What are you going to do about it, bitch?"
"I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck."
"Well, what are you waiting for?" James thumbed his nose at her. "Don't say you're gonna do it. Just try and do it."
"Before we get started," Rainbow dash said. "Your shoelaces are untied."
James blinked. "Huh, thanks..." He looked down and inspected his socked feet. The realization of what a dumbass he was was as instantaneous as the uppercut that knocked him back several steps. The blow was just as surprising as it was painful. He hadn't anticipated that a girly talking cartoon pony could throw like that. And what's more, she had distracted him to get in a cheap shot. He might have commended her for her dirty tactic if he wasn't so pissed.
Rainbow Dash put up her hooves. "That's a nice split lip you got there," she said mockingly. "Now, how 'bout I give you a broken nose to match."
The Nerd wiped his mouth. "Bring it, you fucking rainbow cunt."