“Hey there folks. Deadpool here, and I know you’re thinking: ‘Hey, why are we back at Deadpool’s apartment, and why is he sitting in his chair wearing a smoking jacket and holding a rectangular whats-a-ma-thingus in his hand?’”
[To be fair, they weren’t really thinking that until we set up the scene for them.]
“Well, my fine readers. We’re having a little aside to the main story for a moment so we can discuss something important.”
{Ooh, ooh! Is it cancer awareness?}
[It would be relevant to us.]
“What? No! It’s my new game that’s coming out soon: Deadpool the Video Game! Which releases June 25!”
[So, not only did we invade and endanger all of Equestria by awakening Discord, we’re interrupting the story and wasting everybody’s time for some shameless advertising?]
{Wait! Say ‘everypony’, so the mods know we’re still relevant to ponies!}
“It’s not shameless! There’s, like, barely any advertising for this game, so I thought it would be fair if the audience hears it from the man himself!”
[The site is called ‘fimfiction’, not ‘deadpooltalksabouthisownmerchandisefiction’.]
“Okay, you want relevancy? Fine! Hey folks, here’s a little fun fact: My upcoming game is developed by High Moon Studios, who in the past made the Transformers games that everybody likes, and Transformers is a property of Hasbro, who ALSO own the My Little Pony franchise. BOOYA! We just went from DP to MLP!”
[Speaking of which, we should probably get back to the story.]
“Alright, fine! Back to our randomly scheduled story. Just a reminder to you guys, though. Deadpool game comes out June 25!”
{And also a reminder that Deadpool is currently wearing a smoking jacket! Isn’t that just a silly image?!}
[Did we ever address the ‘rectangular whats-a-ma-thingus’ in his hand from the beginning of this scene?]
“It’s a book, okay?”
[Why are we holding a book when we’re talking about a game?]
“Fine, I’m holding the case to my game! GOD, EVERYONE’S SO PICKY TODAY! J-JUST, SCENE CUT!”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“DISCORD?!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Where are you? Get out here so I place my hoof right up in that smug little face of yours!”
My, such language, Rainbow Dash. You’re certainly quite ferocious considering you were cowering in fear in front of the Ursa Major only a moment ago.
Rainbow Dash flustered in anger. Guess all that bragging really was all for naught.
“You’re no different yourself, Discord,” said Princess Celestia. “You can taunt us all you want, but you’ve yet to show yourself.”
Indeed, princess, but my reason for shadowing my appearance is not because of cowardice. Isn’t that right, Deadpool? After all, it’s thanks to you I was able to obtain such a power.
The three ponies turned to Deadpool. “What does he mean by that?” Princess Celestia asked.
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-”
[It’s a little complicated to explain.]
“You are his subconscious, right?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash answered. “He has two of them, and that one is his ‘rational’ one.”
{And I’m the dragon!}
[Please ignore that one.]
“Noted,” said Princess Celestia. “Seeing as though your other two selves are...”
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-”
{ON TOP OF OL’ SMOKEYYYY}
“...disinclined,” she continued. “Would you please clarify for us as to what Discord was referring to?”
[Well, ultimately, he’s referring to our situational powers]
“You mean you’re ability to alter reality itself?” Twilight stepped in and said. “Discord already obtains that ability. Why would he want to steal your powers?”
[You see, our reality altering abilities differ from that of Discord.]
“Please explain,” said Princess Celestia.
[Um, right. How should I put this...? Let’s say, hypothetically, that our lives are like a story from a book or a work of fiction...hypothetically.]
“That was a redundant statement, but okay,” Princess Celestia concurred.
[Alright, now let me put it this way. Our situational powers work as if the one who is using it becomes the author of said story and they are now able to control everything that story entails.]
{Pfft. Why’d you say hypothetically? That’s basically how things are now.}
[Would you be quiet?!]
Princess Celestia was deep in thought. “Let me get this straight. What you’re saying is that not only is Discord able to bend the fabric of reality, but he is also able to control us as well?”
[He can pretty much control everything...]
The princess rubbed her temples while the other two ponies looked at each other worriedly.
“This is bad,” Twilight said.
[Not only that, he’s also omniscient and ubiquitous and can probably hear what we’re saying.]
Guilty as charged.
“So why are you still toying with us, Discord?” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Why don’t you just destroy everything and be done with it?”
‘Destroy everything’? Is that what you expect of me, Rainbow Dash? Oh dear, I’m afraid I’ve let my aggressive nature get the better of me during our last escapade together. I’m not some brute that wishes to take over the world. You see, I thought I made it clear in that I seek one thing and one thing only...I’m sure at least one of you can finish my thought.
“Chaos...” Twilight said.
Ah, well done, Twilight Sparkle. I can see why Celestia puts much of her faith in you; you are quite intelligent.
“So what exactly is your plan, Discord?” Princess Celestia finally asked.
Well, that’s the thing. This power that I am currently possessing is quite unstable. I could easily mess with the four of you and have myself win instantly, but alas I would be disrupting the flow of the story.
A light bulb flashed above Deadpool. “That’s right! HAHA!” he pointed at the sky. “You may possess the greatest power in all of the universe, Discord, but there are rules that must be followed!”
“Rules?” Princess Celestia questioned.
{Boy, there is a lot of exposition in this chapter, isn’t there?}
[Shh, quiet! The audience will need this information in the long run.]
“I’ll try to explain this as simply as I can,” Deadpool started.
That won’t be a problem for you, Wilson.
“...ANYWAY,” Deadpool continued. “Rule #1: Thou shalt not abuse the powers of situations if it disrupts the momentum of the situation!”
[Going back to the story analogy, you can’t use the powers if it breaks away from the actual story.]
{Which means we can’t magically teleport to a land of copy paper and sad clowns if that wasn’t the author’s original intention!}
“Rule #2!” Deadpool continued once more. “Thou shalt must keep the situation flowing.”
[Basically keep the story going.]
{Otherwise, we’re gonna go nowhere and the readers would be really pissed off! *gasp* We might even get disliked!}
“Bite your tongue!” Deadpool yelled at his subconscious. “I don’t think my heart can take having another one of those.”
And then there’s Rule #3...
“Ah yes,” Deadpool smiled. “The most important rule. Rule #3: Thou shalt finish the story the way the creator intended.”
[So no matter what Discord does to us during the middle of this story, he must follow the correct ending.]
“And if I know anything,” Deadpool added. “This ‘story’ will leave with a happy ending! So too bad, Discord! The heroes will win in the end!”
Rainbow Dash rubbed her head. “This is all making my head hurt.”
“I have to agree with Rainbow,” Twilight said. “Are you following any of this, Princess Celestia?”
The princess stood silent as she watched Deadpool talk to the sky. Twilight wasn’t sure at the time, but she could’ve sworn that the princess was smirking a bit.
“I have a hunch of what Deadpool is talking about.” Celestia finally said.
Twilight groaned. “Ugh...why do I get the feeling that this is something Pinkie Pie would understand?”
Now that we all had our fill of information, let’s continue our little story, shall we?
“Pfft, if you say so,” Deadpool said with a touch of confidence in his voice. “Doesn’t really matter what you do, since we’ll still win in the end.”
The night is young, Mr. Wilson, and so is this story. Besides, you may find that it may indeed matter what I do...”
“Hah, yeah right, what could you do that would hurt me?” Deadpool said with more confidence. “I’m the Regenerating Degenerate. Healing factor, baby! I’ve been through all kinds of painful scenarios and even if you did take away my healing powers, you can’t even kill me cause...y’know: My Little Deadpool: Friendship is Deadpool. This is kinda my spotlight.”
Let’s not be so arrogant, Mr. Wilson. After all, this isn’t a one-man show. You are sharing the spotlight with somebody, or rather...some ponies.
At that moment, Princess Celestia lost her wings and unicorn horn. “Ah!” she squealed in surprise.
“NO! What are you doing to one of my beloved characters?!” Deadpool screamed in anguish.
I just thought it would be fun if Celestia was brought down to normal. Experience the life like that of her subjects whom she is always so eager to protect.
Rainbow Dash gasped at the princess’s new form.
“Your highness!” Twilight yelled. “Y-You look...”
Princess Celestia noticed that her powers were gone, her height was lowered to the point that she was at eye-level with Twilight, and that her mane was considerably shorter. Discord had indeed brought her down to mortality in every sense of the word.
“This is certainly a setback...” Princess Celestia said.
“You monster!” Deadpool yelled. “Do whatever you want to me, just leave them alone! LEAVE ‘EM ALONE!”
But Deadpool, you said yourself that attacking you would end up being a fruitless endeavor. I’m only following the next logical step.
“You want satisfaction? Fine! I’ll humor you! I’ll scream in pain all you want! My cries of anguish can arouse anyone!”
[Ew...]
Hmm. You have a point. It would be nice to hear Deadpool, the insane character who’s unaffected by most things, submitting to my will.
“Exactly! Not many people can accomplish that!”
Why don’t I do both, then?
Both Deadpool and Rainbow Dash suddenly fainted.
Twilight jumped in surprise. “Rainbow Dash?! Deadpool?! What happened?!”
“Relax,” Princess Celestia said as she checked for Deadpool and Rainbow Dash’s pulse. “They’re still breathing.”
Deadpool suddenly moved and showed signs of waking up.
“Rainbow Dash, are you okay?” Twilight asked her friend.
Deadpool groaned and rubbed his head. “Ugh...that sucked...wait, ‘Rainbow Dash’? I know it’s only been a day since we met, Twilight, but I think it’s kinda embarrassing mistaking me for Dashy.”
Twilight suddenly stepped back and did a double-take. “R-Rainbow Dash...?”
Deadpool facehoofed. “Alright, let’s just go ahead and settle this.” he pointed at himself with his hooves. “I’m Deadpool, okay? Maybe you’re a bit flustered with all that’s happening and all, but let’s keep a calm head and not lose our mi...”
He finally looked down to notice that he had hooves.
“...i-i-i-i-i-I-I-I-INDSSSSSS?!”
Rainbow Dash woke up as well and rubbed the back of her head with her hands. “Uh...why do you guys seem shorter?”