//------------------------------// // Without a Paddle // Story: Wild Card // by Barrel-of-fun //------------------------------// “Celestia damn it! How do you keep winning?” The shout echoed throughout the caves, followed by collective chuckling at the misfortune of the losing pony. The card game wasn’t technically allowed, since the boss said that they should be devoting all their attention to guarding the cargo. But that was the problem with having pirates as guards, they tended not to obey the rules. “Just lucky I guess.” The other pony replied, sweeping his winnings towards himself as the dealer collected their cards and began to shuffle again. Of course, he didn’t mention that he would be splitting his winnings with the dealer in return for a little ‘help’ during the game. No honour among thieves and pirates after all. Just as the first of the cards began to get dished out, there was a scuffling from outside the room. The pirates looked around at each other warily before their gazes settled on the stallion who’d been on a forced losing streak. “Go check it out would you?” The con-pony said, his words seeming like more of an order than a question. Grumbling, the loser picked up his crossbow and plodded outside, slamming the door shut behind him. The remaining pirates continued to look at the door, cradling their own crossbows nervously. Any moment now their comrade would re-enter the room and they could carry on cheating him out of all of his bits. Any...moment...now... The door did open again, but instead of their companion re-entering the room, a small glass vial was sent sailing towards them. The pirates immediately threw themselves back, some more successfully than others, as the vial exploded into a clogging green gas cloud. Several of the pirates fell unconscious immediately as the gas assaulted them, others coughed and spluttered for a moment in a futile attempt to expel the gas before joining their friends in sleep. The pirate who considered himself to be a bit of a card shark managed to escape the initial assault and, seeing his comrades going down, chose to flee. He began galloping for the back down, intent of getting more pirates, either to serve as allies or meat shields against the attackers. His hopes were raised the closer he got to his escape route and he prepared to go into a dive, throwing himself through the door and into the corridor beyond. Just as his legs tensed in preparation for the running jump, an almighty pain was sent through him causing him to cry out and stumble. He slid for a few metres before slamming into the door, halting his momentum completely. Looking over one shoulder, he could see the cause of his pain, a crossbow bolt that was sticking out of his Golden Bit cutie mark. “W-why would you shoot him t-there?” A nervous sounding voice came out of the quickly dispersing smoke in front of him. The next voice was rougher, “Well I thought he looked like a bit of a flank hole. Kinda appropriate don’tcha think?” “...t-that’s terrible.” “Yeah, it ain’t exactly the best pun.” “I believe what the good Private was referring to,” A new voice announced, this one deep and commanding, as though it belonged to a mountain, ”Is your casual approach to grievous bodily harm.” “Oh right,” The rough voice responded, enough of the smoke clearing away to reveal it belonged to a rough-looking griffin with a crossbow, “That too I guess.” The other two attackers stepped forward as well, a small earth pony who seemed to have an irrepressible case of the shivers and a huge minotaur who was casually holding the losing pony that the pirates had sent out in one hand. This single hand was covering the pony’s face completely, muffling the various shouts and protests that the stallion was giving off. “Private Dread, secure that prisoner. Private Shivers, make sure they are all good and unconscious.” “Yes sir, Iron Will, sir!” The two shouted in a conditioned response before going about their tasks. “Er...Sarge? I don’t have any handcuffs or anything to secure the prisoner with.” The minotaur sighed and rubbed at his head with his free, non-pony-holding hand, “Just improvise then. So long as he can’t move to shoot us in the back then consider him secure.” The griffin grinned, “You got it Sarge.” He then raised his crossbow and slammed the butt of it into the con-pony’s face, knocking him unconscious. Iron Will nodded in satisfaction and walked over to the table in the center of the room. He placed his pony prisoner on it before releasing his hand, allowing the pirate to take in everything around him, including his unconscious, and in one case slightly arrow punctured, allies. “Now then,” The huge minotaur said slowly, “I want you to tell us everything.” The pony may not have had great instincts when it came to cards, but his survival instincts were first class. First he took in the condition of his allies, then divided it by the chance of help arriving to save him, before taking into consideration how much he was getting paid. The equation led him to a pretty decisive answer. “Okay.” He answered cheerfully. After all, he wasn’t getting paid enough to lie. “...And we just have to guard those crates before they get shipped out again. I don’t know what’s in them or where they go I swear.” The pony finished of his story, earning an appreciative nod from Iron Will. “The Manehatten City Guard thanks you for your time and you compliance. On behalf of the Guard and myself, I would like to apologize in advance for this.” He then brought one hand down on the side of the confused pony’s head, sending him into unconsciousness as well. Iron knew better than to leave mobile enemies behind him. “Now then, let’s see what’s so important about those crates.” This got a grin from Dread, who was always up for a bit of legalized looting. The griffin happily picked up a nearby crowbar and approached the nearest crate, whistling a happy tune to himself as he did so. One quick crowbarring later and the crate’s lid was off, revealing the precious contents of... “Wine bottles?” Dread exclaimed as he lifted one out, “Damn it, I was hoping for something cool, like gold, or weapons. Oh well, work with what you’ve got.” He then stuck one talon into the cork of the bottle and yanked it out, quickly raising the bottle to his beak to take a drink. Just before the liquid could come into contact with the griffin, a hoof came flying out of nowhere and smacked the bottle out of Dread’s claws. The glass was sent flying across the room and smashed against the far wall, leaking black fluid down onto the floor. “Hey! What in Tartarus was that for?!” The irate griffin shouted at his suddenly not-so-nervous pony companion. Private Shivers, for his part, didn’t even bother to speak, simply giving his reckless fellow Guard a serious glare before pointing at the remains of the bottle. The ‘wine’ had begun to bubble on the floor, various droplets and splatters coming together, crawling creepily along the floor, to form a unified whole. The black liquid, now complete again, attempted to retreat from the light, oozing its way into the shade. “That...that ain’t wine.” Dread commented redundantly, his beak hanging open in shock. “You saved me,” He looked down at Shivers, who became nervous again at the sudden admiring gaze of the griffin, “How’d you know?” “It didn’t smell right.” The earth pony asserted with surety in his voice, glad to be commenting on something he knew about; alchemy. “Wine has a vinegary smell, that had a scent more like an open grave.” He saw the weird looks he was getting from his comrades. “Not that I’d know what an open grave smells like!” He blurted out hastily. “Right,” Iron Will said, taking control of the situation. A torch was yanked forcibly from its mounting on the wall as he walked across the room and waved it over the open crate of ‘wine’. All the liquid inside the bottles shirked away from the light, seemingly attempting to hide inside their own bottles. “Well that definitely isn’t natural. We need to report this to Summer. The thing is, I think I’ve seen this somewhere before...” Several hundred miles away from Iron Will, under the collapsed mine that had once been the home to a particular pack of diamond dogs, the blown up corpse of Redtooth let out a sound that, if someone had been around to hear it, may have sounded like a sneeze. A scientist would claim that it was merely gas escaping from the largest remaining bits of the body. However, the universe at large has been known to hold a rather cold and uncaring view of scientists. As far as the universe was concerned, Redtooth sneezed. “...but I can’t for the life of me remember where I might have seen it before.” Summer grimaced at the news, “That is very concerning. Whatever it is these pirates have been trafficking, it certainly sounds evil.” She nodded once, her mind made up. “Yup. Weird, crawly liquid that shies away from all light and smells like death. Not to mention it’s as black as Nightmare Moon’s hairy c-” “Summer!” Iron interrupted loudly, “Not in front of the recruits.” The unicorn looked around at the Guards, some of whom were snickering whilst the greener ones simply looked confused. “Cloak,” She finished lamely, “I was going to say cloak.” “Nightmare Moon doesn’t wear a cloak.” Iron smirked. “Shut up!” Summer shook her head and sighed, “Anyways, where was I? Oh right, yeah, that black liquid isn’t even the most concerning thing at the moment. Look around you Iron, what do you see?” “Erm...an empty pirate camp?” “Exactly. An empty pirate camp. They’ve all gone, and so has Ace. I’m guessing that they caught him and sailed away, probably realising that this was all a huge trap.” “Oh, so what are we waiting for? Why aren’t we going after them?” Summer let out another sigh, feeling it might be something she would be doing a lot in future. “We were waiting for you. Now that you’re all caught up on the situation, let’s get down to the ship. The others should have it ready by now.” There was a nervous cough from behind them. Turning around, they noticed a slightly awkward seeming Sergeant Brick. “Yeah, about that. None of us are actually sailers. We don’t know how to sail a boat.” “Sergeant Brick?” Summer began. “Yes ma’am?” “You are part of the Manehatten City Guard correct?” “Yes ma’am.” “And Manehatten is a city by the sea correct?” “Er...yes ma’am.” “So then, how in Tartarus, can nopony here know how to sail a boat?!” Stammering, Brick replied, “Well we’ve never had to before. We mostly arrest ponies before they get out of the city.” “Fine,” Summer sighed raggedly, “Just get everypony on the boat and follow my orders. I’ll teach you lot how to sail a boat and then we can rescue Ace.” The sergeant quickly hurried away to shout orders at people who weren’t terrifyingly angry, leaving Iron Will with the irritated Summer. “Calm down Summer,” He attempted to placate her, laying one hand on her back. At his touch, she let out a deep breath, all her anger rushing away with it. “We’re going to get Ace back. Besides, he’s been in much worse situations than this.” “Yeah,” The unicorn shuffled her hooves, moving ever so slightly closer to her second-in-command, “But this might be the shoddiest rescue mission ever.” “Not quite, remember how we met?” A smile graced her lips as she recalled the mad escape from the mines, “Fine then, second shoddiest rescue mission.” She frowned in worry as another thought drifted into her mind, “We’ve got a lot to thank Ace for...I just hope that we can.” “Don’t be like that. I’m sure that by the time we get there Ace will have already escaped, tricked the pirates into defeating each other and be sipping fine brandy from atop a pile of loot.” I could feel everything. Every slight creak in my bones, every tiny twinge in my muscles, the dryness in my throat and my heart hammering against my ribcage in an attempt to escape. I don’t think I’ve ever been so in tune with my own body, which is ironic considering I might not be in it for long. Kowelth Gatar Nolis had been kind enough to allow me a break in between torture sessions. He was currently sat in the corner of the room, calmly brewing himself a cup of tea as he watched me struggle through the after effects of his last session. Lightning. Why did he have to use lightning? An electrical arc that had leapt from his horn and jumped all over my body, its tickling touch sending scores of pain all over my chest and arms. Thankfully, he had not yet gone above the head or below the waist. Though I’m sure he is simply saving that for later. My body was still twitching as the electricity bounced merrily round my nervous system. Worryingly, I could not feel my fingers anymore. “It is funny yes? Even though you are chained up, it is like you are trying to dance.” How could he be so calm? Kowelth talked as though this was just another day at the office. As though I was just a colleague he had met at the water cooler. As though he wasn’t an immoral psychopath and I wasn’t his latest victim. “Lightning is a funny thing as well. Has a great history behind it. It was first used as a torture device by the pegasi during the War of Three Tribes.” He chuckled slightly, as though remembering an anecdote, “If you think this is bad, you should have seen what the earth ponies did in retaliation. What they lack in wings and magic, they most certainly make up for in...creativity.” I grit my teeth and tried to swallow the pain. I would have loved to have responded with a witty quip or a sharp-tongued insult, as was my usual fare, but my muscles had betrayed me. I couldn’t open my mouth except to stutter out broken words. I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me like that. “No response? Ah but you must be bored yes? You live a life of big excitement. No time for just hanging around having conversations right?” He stood up and put his tea to one side before walking over to me. Grabbing my face in one hoof, he tilted it from side to side as though inspecting a piece of meat. “Hmm, yes, I wish I had longer to play with you. Such an interesting character. Alas, my work must be rushed.” He stepped back and began to channel magic, his horn glowing and pointing at me. I struggled impotently in my chair, unable to escape the painful magic that was sure to come. “I detest working to schedules. So...imperfect. Now then, as the knife said to the victim’s flesh,” He grinned as he carefully aimed his horn, “We need to go deeper.” I screamed into my teeth as his bolt of magic shot straight towards my head. “Ship on the horizon!” At the cry from the crow’s nest, Summer looked up from her charts and grabbed a telescope. She pointed it out at where the lookout was indicating and peered through, catching sight of the distinctive black flag on the other ship’s sails. “It’s them!” She called out, getting cheers from the hardworking crew, “We’re catching up.” Iron noticed her grim expression and looked over at her in confusion from his position at the helm. “Well that’s good isn’t it? It means we’re moving faster than them.” “Yeah, for now. As soon as they see us coming they’re going to speed up to try and escape us. And, unlike us, their crew knows what they are doing.” As if to emphasize her point, there was a loud crash from on deck as two uncoordinated Guards ran into each other. The fact that most of her crew were ‘landlubbers’ and couldn't handle the rolling deck of a ship at sea meant that accidents like that were all too common. “Where are we exactly?” Iron asked, his strategic mind coming into effect, “If there’s some islands or anything that we can use to sneak up on them...” The rest went unsaid as they both leaned down to assess their charts. It was mainly Summer who was doing the navigational legwork here, being as she was the only one who knew how a map worked and didn’t giggle at the word ‘sextant’. She hummed in thought as she calculated their position, judging it from a number of variables such as the position of the sun, the distance from the island they set off from and the slowing effect caused by the incompetence of her crew. Having plotted their position, she realised something. “Oh shit.” “What’s wrong?” Iron looked concerned. “I know where we are. We’ve wandered onto the course for the Riftwater Race. Specifically, I think we’re on top of Ol’ Rustjaw’s hunting ground...and he’s in house this time of year.” Iron Will stared at her in disbelief for a moment before rushing to the rail and bellowing, “Everypony! Stop what you’re doing! Nopony move an inch!” At the minotaur’s shout, all action on the deck ceased as the ponies turned to stare at him. Not a single hoof moved on the deck as they waited in quiet anticipation. Quietly, Summer swore to herself. “We can’t stay like this forever. We’ll never catch up with them if we have to just try and cruise our way there. Everypony, you can move but do so quietly and carefully. No loud noises. No excessive thumping on the deck. Got that?” She paused for a moment, “Also, nopony make a joke about thumping on deck. Let’s be professional about this.” There was a series of nods as the Guards got back to work, albeit in a much more subdued form than before. Down below the deck, the diamond dog known as Biter was exploring the cargo hold. He could smell something was wrong down here, his keen canine nose picking up the rotten scent above the salty tang of the sea air. He sniffed the air and quietly padded forward past more crates, knowing that Alpha Pony wouldn’t like him being down here. However, what Alpha Pony didn’t know couldn’t hurt her and, more importantly, Shouty Bull couldn’t hurt him for. The smell was strong now, unnaturally so. It had suddenly evolved from a slight scent to a full blown stench in the matter of a few metres. A stench that was centred entirely around an inauspicious looking crate near the back of the hold. Grabbing a lantern, Biter approached the box and grabbed its lid, noting that it had already been pried open once before. Heaving the crate open, his let out an instinctive growl at the contents. Bottles filled with black liquid. Biter wasn’t sure what the liquid was but just looking at it put his hackles on edge. Every instinct was telling him that the liquid was bad. No, more than bad. The liquid was wrong. Wrong in every way that was natural. To Biter’s fine canine senses, the black liquid shouldn’t exist. Any other dog, when confronted with such an intense reaction, would have fled from the wrongness, as their instincts dictated. But Biter wasn’t one for running. He calmly set the lantern down on a nearby crate and grabbed a bottle in each hand, raising them both to his face. He growled at the liquid, to show it that he wasn’t afraid and could quite easily, if he so wanted, bite the liquid in two. The fact that liquids are fairly immune to biting based attacks didn’t register with the dog. As far as he was concerned, everything had a weakness to biting based attacks. The two bottles were raised high in the air before being sent swiftly downwards to be dashed on the floorboards of the cargo hold. Two more of their compatriots joined them, followed by another two, and another two after that. The diamond dog grinned as the bottles smashed loudly on the floor, enjoying the sound of the breaking glass. He picked up the pace on his work as he heard ponies moving above him. Evidently Alpha Pony must have heard the smashing and was on the way to stop him. Biter wouldn't let black liquid stay though. It was a danger to the pack. Dangers to the pack had to be dealt with. With his increased pace, he swiftly ran out of bottles to smash and looked around, admiring his work. Glass shards littered the floor of the hold like miniature mountains, the black liquid squirming in between them like rivers. Grabbing his lantern, he held it towards the liquid, enjoying how it shrieked and shied away from the light. It quickly coalesced into one large pool and began to drag itself away from the light. Biter, still grinning, used the lantern to herd the fluid into one corner of the hold, trapping it there. With its metaphorical back to the wall, the shrieks of the liquid increased to a fever pitch. Biter’s ears began to ache yet he resolutely held the light forth, returning the pain as good as he got. The door to the hold burst open and Shouty Bull tumbled in. The large minotaur moved quickly across the hold and beheld the mess that Biter had made, as well as the faceoff that was happening between dog and amorphous black blob. “You idiot!” He hissed at Biter, whose ears pressed against his head in shame at being chastised, “We’re supposed to be quiet. Do you have any idea where we are right now?!” The dog looked around, confused, “Cargo hold?” “No, not that-” The bull sighed and dragged one hand across his face in exasperation, “Just...just stay here and make sure that that liquid...thing doesn’t escape. Try and shut it up if you can before it goes ahead and calls down-” Whatever he was about to say next was cut off by the loud roaring that seemed to rock the ship, as well as the agitated waves that actually rocked the ship. The dog managed to balance himself and looked around in confusion, wondering why the universe had suddenly gotten angry and shouty. The minotaur, having pulled himself out of the remains of a crate that he had crushed, simply swore. “Summer is not going to be pleased about this.”