//------------------------------// // Tia's Troubling Times (Church) // Story: Stuck in a Rainbow // by theRedBrony //------------------------------// "Ok Celestia, let me get this straight. They're love-sucking, wedding-crashing, shape-shifting, bug-ponies?" "Hmm… yes I suppose one could describe them as such." "Got it." Cool thing about faking memory loss, when you need something obvious explained to you, nobody questions it. Funny though, these bad guys were not something I knew about. Our leisurely walk through the castle finally ends in a giant pair of doors, engraved with the image of the starry night sky, and painted to perfectly match the real deal. Jewels form the stars and moon. This must be her room. No guards here. "No guards?" I look up to her. "Hmm… they would not abandon their posts so lightly… Either my sister is not here… or they were not her actual guards." Celestia magicks the doors open, gently and quietly. She walks in slowly, and I follow next to her. The sunlight from the hallway pours into the room, casting our shadows along the floor. Blues and whites color the walls and floor, dark hues contrast with the light ones, looks pretty boss actually. Right in front of us is a giant canopy bed, semi-transparent white curtains obscure the sleeping princess. She's snoring like she's sawing logs. Celestia trots up next to the bed, I stand at the foot of it. She clears her throat. "Sister?" She tries softly. The sleeping mass stirs a little and snorts. "Sister?" She tries a little louder. That gets a response. Luna slowly sits up in her bed and yawns. "I am very sorry to wake you, sister. But we have a problem, or two, on our hooves." She grumbles a little in response and smacks her lips. "Yes I know, you haven't slept long. I'm sorry, but we really must go." Luna chuckles a little at that. "Luna, are you alright?" Chuckles escalate into maniacal laughter "I am not your PRECIOUS LUNA!" The curtains whip open to reveal a pitch black pony, the size and shape of Luna. Even the splotch on her ass with the moon and her magicky mane are similar. But her eyes are demonic and sharp fangs decorate her malevolent grin. Her flowing blue mane has turned into a violently agitated starry blob. Celestia looks like Fred Sanford having a heart attack. Hell, even I know who this bitch is... I point at her and yell, "Send her... TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Nightmare Moon laughs maniacally at Celestia's confused face. Celestia turns tail and runs out of the room. Damn. I expected something cool to happen. I run out too. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FLEE! FLEE FROM THE TERROR OF NIGHTMARE MOON! AHAHAHahahahahahahahahaha!!!" As her evil laughter fades behind me, I see a flash of white light in front of Celestia. She stops running and skids to a halt on the polished marble floor. I do about the same. What kind of horse architect, with hooves, would design a building with a polished floor?! "Discord!" She says bitterly. "Celestia darling, hi, how've you been? I heard you were looking for me," Discord replies with a wicked smirk. "...This guy again," I mumble. "Are YOU responsible for this?!" She demands, stamping a forehoof on the floor. "Ugh, if you're referring to your loyal subject here, then no," he responds, making overdramatic gestures in irritation. "That particular mind swap wasn't my doing… but whoever did it deserves a cookie!" Celestia stammers for a moment, but the anger hasn't left her face. "What? No! I meant my sister?!" "Speaking of her, we probably shouldn't be standing around waiting for her to attack us," I helpfully suggest. "Who, Luna? Where is ol' Lulu anyway? I haven't seen her in eons! She's always sleeping, that one…" he says, playfully looking around the hallway. "DAMNIT ALL DISCORD!" Celestia thunders. A white marble tiles shatters under the stomp of her hoof. He looks surprised for just a moment, then smiles. "You always did have a short fuse around me, Celestia." He giggles as he gently runs a bear-paw-finger under her chin and smiles at her. "I haven't done anything to your sister… Not yet anyways," he says mischievously. Discord pauses with his finger on her chin. "Oh… wait! You don't mean…?!" The look on her face must give it away. He starts laughing. While he's cracking up, in between laughs, he manages to say, "Oh! Oh!... This… is… PRICELESS!" He falls down on the floor, cackling and rolling around. "DISCORD! This is NOT funny!" He stops laughing and wipes some tears from his eyes. "On the contrary, Celestia, I find it to be hilarious! I'm gone for two days and I come back to a mind-swapped Element of Loyalty, changelings for Royal Guards, and Nightmare Moon?! I should have stayed away longer! You ponies are wreaking chaos all by yourselves!" I can't stand waiting here to be attacked by Nightmare bitch any longer. "Can you blow open one of those windows if I distract him?" I ask Celestia. "We probably shouldn't be here." She looks at me for a second, then back to laughing Discord. She turns her head to a window and points her horn at it. While she's doing that, I charge at Discord. He's bent over laughing again, and as I go I hear glass shatter behind me. I'm gonna kick him! POOF This isn't Discord… this is a clou… nope… it's pink cotton candy. I ran into a mass of cotton candy. "Tsk, tsk. Not-Rainbow, did you really think I'd let my guard down?" He asks me condescendingly, with his cheek resting on a bear-paw fist, and his elbow leaning on the cotton candy. "You must be new here." "Yeah, you never seemed that smart to me." He laughs at my comment. "You know, I think I kind of like you this way, Not-Rainbow." "What a coincidence," I break loose from the sticky cotton candy. "I've never really liked you!" I turn tail and run to the open window Celestia is perched in. "Au revoir! Not-Rainbow!" He calls to me. She jumps out the window and I follow her, taking to the air again. This cotton candy has got all up in my feathers, making them pinch and bind. It's annoying. "Where are the rest of the Elements?" Celestia shouts back to me. "They're in the dining hall, wherever that is from here," I shout to her over the sound of wind rushing past us. She changes her direction. "...And look..." I start, feeling a pang of guilt now. "...I'm sorry for lying to all of you... I just wasn't sure what to do." She looks back to me over her shoulder, then back forward and changes her direction again. Celestia lands on a nearby balcony sticking out of a tower. I land behind her. She looks me deeply in the eyes and asks, "So it's true?" "Yeah... I went to sleep one night and just woke up here... like this," I look down and gesture to myself. "Yesterday was my birthday." "I thought Discord was making an assumption… This would certainly explain your so-called 'memory loss.' " She rolls her eyes. "So if you are not Rainbow Dash, who are you?" "Name's Church, just some random human, from a place with no magic mind you." " 'Human?' Now that's a word I haven't heard in a very long time." "Yeah, I'm sure Dash will be able to tell you all about us when you get her back." Oh boy… she's not taking this well. Rough day would probably be an understatement. She looks like she's about to lose her royal composure and just start bawling. I can't believe I'm about to do this… "I'm sorry, I'll help you any way I can tonight. It seems like you need..." Gasp "…a friend." I walk a little closer and rub my nose- I mean, nuzzle her affectionately. "Thank you Ra… 'Church.' Yes… I think I could use a friend right about now." She nuzzles me back and wraps one of her gigantic wings around me. This is actually kind of nice. Warm and fluffy. Don't judge me. Hmm... I'd probably make her feel more comfortable if I acted more like Rainbow Dash... "Alright, so what's the plan? Go in there, kick some butt, save everyone?" I get a little chuckle out of her before she says, "Let's find your friends… or rather, Rainbow's friends first, we will need the Elements of Harmony." She backs up from me and takes off. I'm about to take off, but I get a little intuition and decide to look through the glass doors into the dark room. In the shadows, there is a white Royal Guard staring back at me. Nothing special about him. He doesn't look menacing or anything, he's not even moving. I look over my shoulder, Celestia is already out of sight. Shit, I can't leave her after I just told her all of that... "Coming!" I apologize, shouting after Celestia as I take to the air. I turn around and give the guard the middle finger, but fail miserably for obvious reasons. I catch up with Celestia who's much further down now. "Sorry, I saw a guard through the window and stopped to figure out if I should ask him for help, but he might be a changeling." She flies through the dining hall window I left from earlier and lands inside. "A guard you say? Yes, better safe than sorry…" She says. The room is empty… and the floor is covered with a layer of chocolate milk. "Also, all I saw before I left here was Pinkie being changed with Flutters." "You mean Discord… mind… swapped them?" "I think so, I'm not sure, I kind of wanted to get out as fast as possible and get to you. Wanna check the kitchen?" "…Alright. Lead the way," she says glumly. I walk into the kitchen, it's big, definitely befitting the majestic dining hall it serves. The smells of hot foods still lingers in the air. A few pans and dishes are on the floor, which is free of chocolate milk, but otherwise it looks untouched since the servants left. "No one's here, they must have left. Do you think Twilight would have gone looking for you?" I ask. "Probably… but I'm not sure where she'd look." We leave the kitchen and head out the dining room door into a large ornate hallway, just like all the others. This place is a maze. As I splosh through the chocolate milk, I realize… I'm leaving footprints. And there's more hoofprints leading away from here. "Hmmmm, we should probably follow these." After 200 feet or so, the tracks fade to nothing. I look to Celestia. "I think I know where they went," she helps. "Oh? Where?" "The throne room, follow me." "K." I follow her. She makes a quick pace to a huge doorway (seriously, what's with all the huge doors around here? Were the door makers trying to compensate for something?) which is open this time. Celestia stops midway through the doorway and looks up. Flutters is flying around and performing mid-air stunts. "...Pinkie," I mutter. The rest of the gang is nowhere to be see- "PRINCESS!" Applejack shouts as she walks in from another room off to the side of the thrones. She's missing her hat. I wonder who is who... "Applejack…?" Celestia asks cautiously. "Um… no…" "Twilight, isn't it," I deadpan. The orange one looks at me and nods solemnly. Celestia is still trying to process this. "So then who's applejack...?" I ask. The rest of the gang trots through the doorway, and they all look… discontent. And Rarity is wearing a familiar cowboy hat. "Discord…" Celestia mumbles. "Twilight," she's talking to Applejack, er Apple-Twilight? "Do you still have the Elements?" "Yes, Discord said he had no interest in them… because they're useless now…" Apple-Twi looks in my direction. This is going to get real confusing, real fast. "...It's not like I wanted to be Rainbow..." I grumble. "Speaking of which," Celestia starts, "Everypony gather 'round. Rainbow Dash has something to say." They all look at me, and Flutter-Pie lands next to them. Shit... what should I say...? I hate being put on the spot! Ok, I told her that I'm not RD, I told her I wanted to be her friend, and I told her I'd help her... She nudges me with a giant-ass wing. "Look umm... I'm not actually Rainbow Dash and..." This is gonna hurt to say… "...I'm sorry for lying to all of you, I was just afraid of what would happen if I told you the truth." I look at Celestia wondering if that was what she wanted me to say. She manages to force a little smile. I look back to the others. Flutter-Pie looks confused, Apple-Twi just has an eyebrow cocked, Pinkie-? looks disappointed in me, Twilight-? looks devastatingly sad, and cowboy-hat-wearing Rarity… "An' what IS the truth, exactly?" She demands with a southern accent. "...That I'm really a human named Church." I get various 'huh?'s and 'what?'s. "A what-now?" Rari-Jack asks me. "Umm, like the top half of a centaur or a mermaid... It's kinda hard to explain. But we don't have any magic or ass tattoos for special talents." "Huh?" That seems to have confused them more. "I'm also a dude." They all gasp and Pinkie wails and faints. "Anyway…" Celestia says uncomfortably, "that's not important right now. What is important, is that we have more problems than just Discord," she says grimly. Pinkie perks up. I thought she fainted… "Oh? What could possibly be worse than… Discord?" She says in a very high-pitched, sophisticated voice. Pinkie-Rarity? Pinkie-Rare… Pinkie… Pink-ity? I got nothing. The sun starts setting abnormally quick and everything becomes dark. Once my eyes adjust, I can see moonlight creeping in from the windows. From my preexisting pony knowledge, and from all those memories Twilight jimmied into my brain, I have an idea of what's going on. I hang my head down. I'm pretty sure Celestia's doing the same. "Oh great, he's doing that again…" Apple-Twi complains. "No," Celestia starts darkly. "That's not Discord's doing." Suddenly, the sun shoots back into the sky. "Uh, Princess, are you sure?" It then slowly fades to darkness and moonlight once more. "Yes, Ap- Twilight, I am sure." "Well come now," Pinkie-Rarity starts, holding a hoof out, "there's only one other pony who could… Surely you don’t mean…" "Whoa nelly!" Rari-jack exclaims. "Are we all talkin' 'bout you-know-who?" "Oh… no… not… her" Twilight… (Fluttershy, has to be…) cowers on the ground, shaking, with both of her forehooves covering her face. Flutter-Pie gasps sharply with a look of horror on her face. "Yes, my little ponies," Celestia announces, "Nightmare Moon."