The day had been going perfectly normally for Twilight Sparkle, which wasn't actually saying much, as she had slept until one in the afternoon, and it was only two. She had gotten up, and decided to skip out on combing her mane, choosing instead to arrive thirty-one minutes early to her daily-weekly-biweekly-monthly-whenever-the-heck meeting with Discord.
Ever since the mess with the changeling... 'Immigration,' Discord had insisted on filling some gaps in her magical education, teaching her the 'wonders and joy of chaos magic.' Apparently, she had a natural aptitude towards chaos magic, just like she did for every other form of magic she had found. The only problem she was having with with Discord's peculiar methods of teaching: She wasn't allowed to be on time, except when it was no longer expected for her to be. Some lessons didn't even touch on magic, and instead involved going off and doing something random. Even so, Twilight had found the prospect of learning a new form of magic rather enjoyable, which contributed greatly to just how annoyed she found herself when a guard came by in the middle of her meeting, interrupting Luna and Discord going over some humorous tales from the ancient past.
Apparently, Celestia had something terribly important to discuss with Twilight, and it simply would not wait. Twilight teleported herself back to her room, combed her hair, and stomped over to see if Celestia needed some extra paperwork filled out right that moment. Instead, she was greeted by an unusually somber and serious Princess Celestia, who began telling her about an ancient empire and its thousand year (that number seemed entirely too common for Twilight's taste) plight.
Twilight listened intently to her old mentor's story and explanations, and found herself recalling just why she had always looked up to Celestia in the past. A few parts of the explanation were... unexpectedly flashy, what with an elaborate three-dimensional model of the city, and an very unexpected example of dark magic, but Twilight soaked up everything that Celestia said.
Finally, Celestia finished her tale. "...And so you must find a way to protect the crystal empire from him. This is your task, and your test, Twilight."
Twilight all but jumped to her hooves, more than ready to do right by Equestria, and to make everypony proud of her. "All right,” she declared, “just let me go dig out the Elements of Harmony from my toy-box, I'll get the girls, and we can finally put those puppies through their paces!" Oh, it would be so exciting, finally getting to use the Elements. Twilight had quite a few theories about how they would work, and-
"-Er... no, Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia interrupted her thoughts. “You must solve this problem without the Elements of Harmony, and though your friends will be there to help you, in the end, it must be you who helps Princess Cadance and Shining armor."
"...Are you feeling all right, Princess?” Twilight asked, a hint of concern creeping into her voice. “I know I've stopped three separate disasters to Equestria with simple planning and logic, but in case you haven't noticed, this guy doesn't look like he'll work with my standard modus operandi. He's an unrepentant tyrant, who enslaved ponies and killed his opposition. I can't just show him how nasty being in charge really is or anything, because for him, it isn't."
Celestia smiled serenely at her. "I have faith in your abilities for this test, my faithful student. Things will become clear in time."
Twilight looked puzzled for a moment before her face split into a relieved grin. "Ah! I've got it, very funny Princess,” she said, shaking her head. “I had almost forgotten that you actually have a good sense of humor sometimes. Now what's the punchline?"
Celestia stood firm and regal, her tone hardening slightly. "This isn't a joke or prank, Twilight. Go." She waved a hoof at the large double doors.
Twilight still wasn't having any of it. "You told me to bring my friends, but you aren't letting me take the Elements of Harmony. You know, the one thing that makes taking them along a good idea? You can't possibly be serious about this,” she reasoned. “Besides, our country is run by two goddesses, is home to the god of chaos, and is now the home of a very protective hive of Changelings. Chrysalis has gotten enough love that she stopped counting how many times more powerful than you she's become! Couldn't we use any of those resources here?"
Annoyance was definitely creeping into Celestia's voice as Twilight continued to argue. Celestia could remember when Twilight would have jumped to do everything in her power to please her! A hint of iron crept into her commanding voice, if only for a moment. "No, Twilight. You must succeed on this task on your own. The changelings, Luna, Discord, and myself must all stay here. With the Elements."
Twilight's voice rose as she felt indignation spur her on. "I brought Luna back from the dark side. I found the Elements of Harmony, the most powerful artifacts in the world, and made friends with all of the other bearers. I convinced Discord to join my side and make the world a better place. I even convinced an invading army to apply for citizenship and become our willing first line of defense. Yet, you're saying that I can't use any of these things, things that now make Equestria the single most powerful nation to ever exist, even in defense of thousands of ponies. Pull my other leg, why don't you."
By the end of her tirade, Twilight was shouting loudly enough to leave her own ears ringing. Celestia stood unmoved. "Twilight Sparkle, this is a royal order. Go save the Crystal ponies. Everything you need, you'll have. Just trust in me." The last four words came out almost as a plea, urging Twilight to just listen to her old mentor.
Twilight glared daggers at Celestia, before snorting, and turning towards the doors in a huff. "...Fine, I'm going. I'll see you when I get back."
---Discord's House of Chaos---
Twilight opened a door, only to find herself on the ceiling of a richly decorated living room. She looked up to see Discord and Princess Luna sitting on a pair of chairs above her. Was she actually the one who was upside down though, or was the room just built upside down... Twilight caught her mind trying to make sense of something related to Discord, and stomped on the impulse. With a flash of magic, she reversed her own gravitational orientation, and teleported herself to a couch across from the other residents of the room.
"Hey, Discord, Luna. How are things going?" she asked with relative aplomb.
Luna was the first to look up from their conversation. "Ah, Twilight Sparkle, how nice of you to join us once more. What did my sister need from you? I should hope it was something important, for her to drag you in off of your normal hours of work."
Discord interrupted, handing a glass of something vaguely nauseating looking to Twilight. "Here you go, one chocolate-pinapple-grape milk shake. On the house, of course."
Twilight accepted the glass with a wry grin. "Thanks, Discord,” she said, before turning back to Luna. “Well, apparently, I won't be able to stop in to visit for a while; I'm being sent off on a suicide mission in the middle of nowhere up in the frozen north."
Both Luna and Discord had unfortunately been taking a sip from their own drinks. The drinks suddenly found themselves violently expelled into the air, and the two managed a perfect harmony in their shouts of "Excuse me?"
Recovering quickly, Discord vanished the spill with a snap of his claws, and looked at Twilight with a raised eyebrow. "Explain, please."
"Well,” she started, “I'm supposed to stop some ancient evil from a thousand years or so ago that Celestia and Luna here sealed away. He's a tyrant who enjoys slavery and forced labor, dark magic, and murdering or enslaving anypony who stands against him. I'm supposed to stop him, without the Elements of Harmony. You know, because rules."
Discord's perfectly calm façade was briefly interrupted by a twitch under his left eye
Luna, having managed to recover from her initial shock, looked thoughtful. "I do recall him, as well as the Empire. The Empire housed many lives, and its magic is powerful. If the empire holds love and happiness, those spread throughout the land. However, the opposite is true as well."
Discord looked up at the ceiling with an incredulous expression. "And she expects you to talk him down?” he asked. “You might be good - heck, you must be a miracle worker if my experiences are anything to go by - but this guy might as well have been designed to be impossible for you to deal with in your usual method.” In a flash, Discord was by Twilight's side, arm over her back, concerned face pressed uncomfortably close. “Is she going with you, or something? Because otherwise, it sounds like she's setting you up for a failure."
Twilight kept an overly wide smile in full force. "Nope. She specifically said that I had to do this alone, and without the Elements. She's currently got Cadence and my Brother holding Sombra off while they wait for me."
Luna looked mildly ill. "I do not think that Cadance and a normal unicorn, skilled or not, will be enough for this. I think the empire had some sort of artifact or relic of their own though. It's just that Sombra hid it away and it was never found."
"Yeah,” Twilight said, dragging the word out for effect. “She's essentially gambling the lives of thousands of ponies, and a magic city, on a test? A test for the unicorn who's already saved Equestria three times, might I add. Did I forget to mention she used black magic to illustrate a point in the throne room?"
The room was quiet for a full minute, Luna trying to reconcile the information with her own knowledge of her sister, and Discord eating a light bulb in contemplation. As he swallowed the glass, and smacked his lips for good measure, Discord adopted a thoughtful look. It was an orphaned look, and he took great pity on it, for he felt that even he could give it a better home than where it had come from. "Wow. If I didn't know any better, I would say that she'd gone evil on us.” Discord promptly disowned his thoughtful look in favor of a wicked grin. He did so love wicked grins, and was thinking about buying his a cone of ice cream later on. “Speaking of which, how long has it been since she was on the receiving end of the Elements? Oh, that's right, she hasn't gotten to taste the rainbow yet. I'm thinking she might need to."
The carefully concealed anger finally broke free of Twilight's control, and she slammed a hoof onto the ground. "I have half a mind to throw Celestia out at this point!” she shouted. “I've done more for the country in the last few years than she typically does in a century, and I'm fairly sure that I could do just as good a job in charge at this point."
A look of terrible dread slipped onto Discord's visage, as he hung upside down from a chandelier he had recently imported from the far away realm of Blueblood's foyer. "Wait!” he cried. “That's exactly what she wants you to do!"
Luna looked up at him. "All right, you lost me. Why would my sister want to be blasted with the elements, probably weakened to the state of a filly, and forcibly removed from power?"
“Think of it this way,” he responded, looking each of the two mares in the eyes – at the same time, of course. “She's been ruling for over a thousand years on her own without a break. Then, suddenly, she gets her work load reduced slightly, and then gets the first real vacation she's had since ever. She's gotten a taste of freedom, and now she wants to foist the reins of power onto Twilight." Seeing the expression on Luna's face, he scowled. “What? It's what I'd do in her hooves.”
Twilight nodded to herself. Discord's idea was completely ludicrous, but she couldn't come up with any sane reasons for Celestia's orders. It was one of the reasons she had come to consult with the ponies who knew Celestia best. If Luna couldn't see some obvious reason why this wasn't all a perfectly reasonable plan for her sister... "That's ridiculous. However, you might be right,” she admitted.
Discord coiled himself around the room, and tapped Twilight on the nose with a claw. "Tell you what. How about I go with you to this Crystal Empire?" he suggested.
Twilight smiled slyly. "I was expressly forbidden from getting help from you,” she mentioned.
"And I should care... why?" Discord asked.
"I was hoping you'd say that,” she replied. With a sudden flash of purple and white lights, the room was left empty, Luna finding herself magically dragged along for the ride.
---Five minutes later---
The doors to Celestia's throne room swung open of their own accord, and the dark king Sombra entered the sacred halls of Canterlot Castle. He seemed oddly grayer than Celestia remembered, and had giant pink hearts instead of eyes, and was merrily swinging a basket of flowers in his mouth, throwing the petals around him as he skipped into the room. He was followed by Twilight Sparkle, who looked entirely too smug. "I'm back, Celestia. Crisis averted. He followed us home, can we keep him?"
Celestia struggled to regain control over her face. What was she even seeing? "What? Alread- What did you do to him?" she demanded.
"Me?” Twilight asked, holding a hoof to her chest with an innocent expression. “Nothing. This was all Discord."
Of course. Celestia hardened her expression, and looked down at her student in disappointment. "Didn't I expressly forbid you from using him for this?" she asked.
Discord popped into existence no more than an inch in front of Celestia's muzzle, forcing her to reel back in reaction. With the largest shit-eating-grin she had ever seen on anypony, Discord waved his hands on either side of him as 'jazz hands'. His infuriating voice seemed to slither out of his mouth and into her ears in the most vile way he could manage, as he shouted "Chaoooooooos!"
His breath also stank something fierce.
Twilight's voice drifted around Discord, chipper and light. "Oh, I told him that I wasn't supposed to get help, but that just encouraged him. It isn't like I could have stopped him or anything; no Elements, after all," she said in mock seriousness.
Discord vanished in a flash of light, reappearing in the center of the room, posed and preening. "Oh yes, and I'd like my stained glass window to show off my good side, as I save an entire empire from their most hated foe."
It was all just too much. The best Celestia could manage for a moment was a collection of garbled words that came out as "But... And... Bwah?" as she found herself struck speechless for the first time in... well since Twilight redeemed Nightmare Moon without the elements, and then argued for Discord to be given a chance on the throne... huh. Twilight was rather good at catching Celestia off guard, it seemed.
Twilight broke her out of her thoughts. "Well, nice talking to you, but Luna's waiting for us to get back to her. I do work for more than one Princess, after all.”
Finally, Celestia managed to find her voice, and called out. "Wait, you're leaving him here? What am I supposed to do with this?" she demanded, pointing a hoof to Sombra, who was now rolling on the floor with his tongue lolling out.
Discord snapped his claws, causing a jester hat to appear on Sombra. "A little something to liven the place up,” he chuckled. “Have fun."
Twilight and Discord started leaving. Celestia slumped into her throne, causing a whoopee-cushion to deflate violently. She grimaced and looked down at Sombra, once the most feared and hated pony in all the land, now chasing his tail as his jester's hat jingled. "...Is he at least house broken still?" she asked.
In unison, as though they had practiced it, Twilight and Discord called back. "Almost!" they shouted joyfully. The doors slammed behind them, leaving Celestia sitting alone in her throne room, save of course for Sombra, who was now sniffing at one of the stone columns and making unintelligible growling noises.
"Well, that didn't go as planned," Celestia muttered, before tossing a 'Vacation Hot Spots' pamphlet to the ground.