Cauldron Club

by Biplane

The Beginning, and Also the End

So read the flyer that Twilight had been putting up all over Ponyville, and was now levitating in front of Applejack, who regarded the paper with peering, narrowed eyes as if she were uneasy about what she was reading.

"Twi'."

"Yes, Applejack? What do you think about my idea?!" Twilight said, smiling brightly, her cheerful expression positively full of energy.

"Ah'm afraid it ain't fer me, sugarcube."

Twilight's face fell slightly, "Oh? I thought for sure with all of your family recipies this would be right up your alley. Cooking is a kind of alchemy, after all!"

"Twi'. Mah experience with potions and such can be pretty well summed up as 'not too good.'"

"Really?"

"Y'all might recall last Hearts 'n' Hooves Day? When mah sister and her friends gave mah brother a love potion so's he'd fall in love with the teacher?"

"I... do seem to recall," Twilight smiled nervously. Visions of demolished doors, houses being dragged, and angry, angry faces danced in Twilight's mind.

"Turns out it's a lot of work to repair that much property damage, Twi'. Ah still cain't quite figure where those fillies ever got that book from," Applejack deadpanned, giving Twilight a meaningful eye.

"Ah ha ha! Eh heh..." Twilight laughed nervously, glancing anywhere but Applejack's silently accusing eyes. "Well, I'd better be off, then! Lots of flyers to put up."

"Twi'," Applejack called as Twilight started to leave.

"Hmm?" Twilight turned back to Applejack.

"One-a those potions darn near destroyed half the town. And now yer startin' a club for makin' Celestia knows how many and what kind. Are you sure this is a good idea, sugarcube?"

"Oh don't worry, Applejack! It's all under control!"

Spike was, in Twilight's best ability to guess (and she was very good at estimations) about 50 meters tall. She regarded him impassively as he knocked over town hall, roaring.

After all, at least he wasn't on fire, like the train was (and there was no way they were going to catch that before it got to Canterlot, no ma'am). She sighed. Trixie's wagon was suddenly knocked over by another errant blast of Carrot Top's super-magic (earth ponies, it seemed, were pretty bad at being unicorns once the mutations took hold). The fireworks in the wagon shot off, sending it shooting out over the Everfree Forest, where it exploded.

Celestia landed quietly next to Twilight, and the two regarded the chaos for a few moments in silence.

"Twilight."

"Yes, Princess."

"Are those...?"

"Bears, yes."

"But... then why..."

"Well, as you can see the bears are now also sharks."

"So it would seem."

A moment of silence passed. Berry Punch staggered up to them, then promptly vomited with force all over Celestia's hooves. The vomit moaned incoherently, then changed color from brown to green. Berry passed out on the ground, snoring loudly.

"'Cauldron Club?'" Celestia raised an eyebrow, taking a nonchalant step back and trying to look casual as she wiped her hooves in the grass.

"It... seemed like a good idea at the time."

Discord suddenly appeared next to them. "Well I got your page you old nag, what... did... you... need... me... for?" his sentence kind of ground to a halt when he noticed what was going on around him.

Derpy frantically tried to put out some of the fires with a lightning cloud, starting several more in the process.

Discord, his eyes locked on the panorama before him, and his mouth hanging open, began a slow clap. "There are no words," he said, his eyes unwavering and now brimming with tears.

Tank the tortoise swooped out of the sky on his magical propeller, pulling Opal the cat dramatically from a mud puddle. It was quite dashing.

Luna landed on the other side of Twilight. After a moment of observation: "Art those... ninjas?"

"Technically, they're Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, but they won't remember that for a number of hours," Twilight intoned emotionlessly.

"Ah."

Applejack, Big Macintosh, Granny Smith, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders came up behind them.

"So, uh, Twi'... do y'all... need any help with this?"

"Nah. We got it."

"Yer sure?"

"Yeah. Besides, if you get too close, you might see the want-it-need-it spell that Trixie drank. And that is already not a very pretty situation."

Applejack looked out over Ponyville, and in the distance made out a pale blue dot clinging for dear life to the top of a flagpole, with dozens of ponies (and no less than fifteen of Fluttershy's animals) frantically surrounding it, struggling to reach that blue dot, which alternated screaming its own name with screaming for help.

"Yeah. She seems like she's doin' fine on her own."

Sweetie Belle spoke up, "Looks like Rarity beat the giant crabs. Why were there so many, anyway?"

Apple Bloom shrugged, "We ain't even anywhere near the ocean. Guess they were on vacation."

Scootaloo sighed. "My flight potion didn't work."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle patted their friend on the back sympathetically. "Aww, don't say that!" Sweetie said.

"Yeah! It worked fine on Gummy!" Apple Bloom said encouragingly.

At that precise moment, a toothless alligator fell out of the sky, gums-first, and landed with a slurping suction noise straight up on top of Luna's head, just behind her horn.

Twilight decided after several seconds to break the silence that followed Gummy's entrance. "All right, so... uh... let me start at the beginning."