//------------------------------// // Teh Epik Battel // Story: Halo: X Team in Equestria // by The Good Dark Lord //------------------------------// Celestia menacingly stalked through the palace halls as the morning rays of the sun shined through the giant stain glass windows. "Soon," She thought, "Soon, the Spartans will be destroyed, and I will be able to initiate my ultimate plan..." She heard the clip clop of hooves behind her. She turned around. It was Luna. "Sister, I believe I have found the perfect solution to exterminating our Spartan problem." Luna said with a sly look. "Oh have you now?" Celestia asked. "Do tell me, what is it?" "It is an ancient magical artifact of mass destruction that I discovered in a cave last night. I did not wish to risk accidentally breaking it by moving it, so I thought it best to bring you to it. Is that alright sister?" Celestia smiled. "Of course, Luna, lead the way. ********** Celestia and Luna landed outside the entrance of a cave in the Everfree Forest. "This is where you found the artifact?" Celestia asked. "Yes, sister," Luna replied as she entered the cave, "If you would please follow me, so that we may defeat the Spartans sooner." Luna disappeared into the darkness of the cave. Celestia raised an eyebrow and observed the cave with suspicion. "Hmm, my sister, who has been acting rather sketchy lately, just suddenly finds a powerful weapon in some random cave by the Everfree and expects me to follow her into it? Seems legit." Celestia entered the cave. It actually went on for a while; by the time one minute had passed, Celestia was still walking in a straight line, and the entrance was but a small dot of light behind her. Finally the cave began to show a little variety via a naturally formed dirt stairway that led deeper into the ground. Celestia took her time descending down the path. No sense rushing ahead and breaking her neck eh wot? The "stair" leveled out into more flat ground. "Luna?" Celestia called out. "Can you hear me?" "We are close sister!" Luna called out from the darkness ahead. "Just a little further! The weapon is here!" Celestia proceeded forward. After a few moments Celestia found herself in a surprisingly spacious and well- lit area of the cave. Celestia walked forward and stopped when she was in the middle of the giant room. She looked around. There was no artifact or weapon, nor was there any Luna. In fact, now that she listened, it was quiet, too quiet... "NOW!" A voice from above called out. Celestia looked up in shock to see Kenny, Luna, and Twilight drop from the ceiling wielding a giant butterfly net. Said net landed over Celestia, trapping her. "We did it! Woo!" Kenny cheered. "I am sorry my sister, but this exorcism is for your own good." Luna grimly said. "Please don't hate me please don't hate me please don't hate me..." Twilight pleaded. Celestia gave the trio an unimpressed look. Her horn glowed, and the butterfly net promptly burst into flame and turned into ash around her. Luna and Twilight stared at Celestia with morbid horror while Kenny merely gave a curious "Huh, I was pretty sure that would work." "WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO THINK THAT WOULD WORK AT ALL?!?!" Luna screamed. "Well I figured since Celestia had wings and butterfly nets are made to catch things with wings..." "How dare you betray me again," Celestia said, redirecting everyone's attention back at her, "How dare you Luna! I allow your foul presence back into my utopia, and this is the thanks I get?! And you, Twilight Sparkle! My own faithful student! I should have known taking an overpowered freak like you under my wing in hope of turning you into the ultimate blind loyalist was a fool's hope! It was only a matter of time before you attempted a coup! I should have killed you while you were young and helpless at my school for gifted unicorns!" Celestia then looked to Kenny, and snarled. "And YOU, human! No doubt that it was you who talked them into this! That's all your kind does! You spread misery and chaos, and you bring out the worst in ponies! Well then, I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF A GODDESS!!!" "Shut the buck up." Luna said without any hesitation or regret. "Yeah seriously," Kenny said, "You are so full of shit." "How dare you speak to me as such!" Celestia yelled. "I am Princess Celestia, and I- " "You are not Celestia." Kenny firmly said. Celestia gave Kenny a curious look. "What?" "Don't play dumb with me. You are not Celestia. The real Celestia would never be this antagonistic, unreasonable, and bitchy. You hijacked her body and used her to your own ends. So tell me, who are you really?" Celestia stared blankly at Kenny for a few moments, and then gave a small smile. She reared up on her hind legs so that she now stood straight up, and began sarcastically clapping with her front hooves. Luna and Twilight both took half a step back from the bizarre image. Kenny stayed where he was, staring intently and the villain. "Well played, Spartan, well played," Celestia said as she finished her clapping and dropped back down to all four hooves, "I must admit, I am slightly impressed with your cleverness. When did you find me out?" "When I pleaded to Braden to spare your life in Canterlot. I looked into your eyes. Wanna know what I saw?" "What did you see?" "I saw a mini version of Celestia in both of your pupils, pounding against the wall to break free. A classic symptom of possession." Celestia stomped a hoof against the ground in frustration. "Damn, I knew I should have worn eye contacts." "Answer my question. Who are you?" "Well, you have come this far, so I suppose it is only fair that I tell you before I kill you. I am..." Kenny saw, for the briefest moment, Celestia shift her eyes. "... Chatoyance!" "... Who?" Luna and Twilight asked at the same time with confused looks. "... What." Kenny deadpanned in the most flat tone ever. "Yes it is I," Celestia announced, "The greatest internet personality to ever exist! You inferior humans will bow down before the ponies! Oh but please don't hate me because I'm bullied because people don't like my pro- genocide stories and my life sucks oh boo hoo." "Seriously?" Kenny asked. "Are you really this desperate? Even now when we have you cornered, you still try to pretend that you're someone you're not? I... I am legitimately dumbstruck right now. Yeah, I'm freaking dumbstruck right now. And of all the people to pretend to be, why the chatty annoyance herself? Do you honestly expect me to believe that some fat old hag with a dick who sits at home all day writing shitty canon defiling fan fiction from the 21st century orchestrated all of this? Bullshit, she does not have the competence. Besides, making fun of her has been done to death already." Celestia pouted. "Well, it was worth a shot." "Now will you tell us who you are?" "Of course I will, right after... THIS BOSS BATTLE!" Kenny- 013 Spartan Reality Warper Lv. 77 Luna Princess of the Night Lv. 95 Twilight Sparkle Element of Magic Lv. 39 VERSUS!!! Celestia Princess of the Sun Lv. 100 Kenny used Judo Chop! Luna used Moon Beam! Twilight Sparkle used Freakin' Laser Beams! Celestia used Solar Wave! Party was wiped out! "What?!" Kenny yelled out as he pushed Twilight and Luna's unconscious forms off of him. He stood up, dusted himself off, and pointed an accusing finger at Celestia. "Hax! You're using HAX!" "Me?" Celestia asked with faux innocence. "Oh don't be silly! It's not like you had a chance to win anyways." "There's always a chance." "Give it up, you've lost! Now burn and die like a good human." "So you don't want to hear my backup plan?" Celestia paused for a moment before asking, "What backup plan?" Had Kenny not been wearing a helmet, she would have seen him grin. "Hey Celestia, or whoever you are, have you ever heard of the term Mary Sue?" "Yes, I have. A Mary Sue is a fictional character of ludicrous levels of amazing. Where are you going with this?" "Well, it is common knowledge that when a Mary Sue engages an opponent in battle, the Mary Sue will win no matter what, correct?" "Seriously, where are you going with this?" "What if I told you... that I led a Mary Sue here?" "Tch, fat chance. There are no Mary Sues in Equestria!" Kenny grinned even wider. "Oh really? So nobody with an impossibly badass past and set of character traits come to mind at all?" And then Braden walked in. "KENNY! What the HELL did I tell you?!?!" "Oh shit." Celestia whispered. "To stay away from the ponies?" Kenny answered. "Then why the hell did you disobey my orders?!" "Because Colonel, A: That's a silly order. And B: We had to defeat whatever entity possessed Princess Celestia and caused all of our problems." At the mention of the name Celestia, Braden's eyes immediately locked onto the Solar Diarch in question, who was in the middle of trying to conspicuously tiptoe her way out of the cave. Braden pointed a finger at her. "You." Celestia froze mid- step. "M- Me?" "I thought I told you to stay away from my Spartans..." "But he lured me here!" "No exceptions." Braden then pounced at Celestia. "AAAAAAAAHHH!!!" While Braden and Celestia fought within one of those cartoon fight clouds, Twilight and Luna began to stir. "Ugh, what happened?" Twilight drowsily asked as she slowly opened her eyes. "You got an F on your test and Celestia banished you." Kenny cheerfully offered. Twilight immediately sprung up with a panicked look. "WHAT?! NONONONONO-" "Ha! I'm just kidding. That's not what happened." Twilight stopped, and scowled at Kenny. But then she let up and gave a relieved sigh. "Phew..." "What really happened was you attacked Celestia and she knocked you out and now she wants to kill all of us." Twilight fell to her side, her legs twitching and foam coming from her mouth. "HIGAGURKURK." Luna had just woken up and gave Kenny a disapproving look. "Please stop messing with her." "Okay okay I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist." Celestia suddenly landed in front of the trio, battered and bruised. Braden placed a foot firmly of her back and held the tip of his katana to her throat. "Kenny! Tell him to stop!" Celestia pleaded. "Tell your Colonel to spare my life as you did before! You wouldn't let him kill me of all ponies, now would you?" Kenny stared down at Celestia with a cold, indifferent look. "I dunno, I kind of want to see you be sliced up." Celestia stared at Kenny with horror. Kenny gestured a hand to Braden. "Sir, if you would do the honor?" "My pleasure." Braden said as he raised his katana. Celestia screamed. "NOOOOOOO!!!" Braden brought the blade down. "Unless..." Kenny said. The blade stopped exactly one inch from Celestia's snout. "U- Unless w- what?" Celestia asked. "I will ask my superior to not kill you... if you release Celestia from your control and show us who you really are." "NEVER!" Kenny shrugged. "Suit yourself." "Don't we get a say in this?" Luna demanded. "We can't just let you murder Princess Celestia!" Twilight yelled. "I'm sorry, but we can't let that thing inside Celestia live. Who knows how much damage it could do with her power!" Kenny turned his attention back to Celestia. "Fact is, there is no outcome where that thing comes out on top. That is, unless it leaves her body, then it might have a fighting chance." Braden raised his blade once more. "You have five seconds." Kenny whispered to Celestia. "... Very well," Celestia darkly said. Then, she smiled. "But be careful what you wish for." Suddenly beams of light shot out from all around Celestia's body, throwing Kenny, Braden, Twilight, and Luna against a cave wall. Celestia levitated into the air, twitching and spazzing while chanting. "ARKUTHLISOFBMISN AKVLUVPEEPEMXJMARRG..." "What is happening to my sister?!" Luna shouted. "The beast inside her is leaving," Kenny explained, "Get ready." Celestia's mouth opened wide. A red and white snake- like mass slowly emerged from it, followed by a beak, and feathers. Then, plated scales. Not the scales of a reptile, but of an insect. A hundred legs lined the monster's body, each one tipped with a sharp iron claw. Finally the beast had fully evacuated Celestia's body, the feathers at the tip of its tail giving a ruffle as they brushed past her lips. Celestia froze up, and dropped to the ground, unconscious. Our four heroes stared up in horror at the cosmic abomination. It was truly huge, its body took up more than half the room in the chamber, and it was tall enough that it had to arch its neck down so that its head did not hit the ceiling. "It... it cannot be..." Kenny whispered. "W- What i- is that t- thing?" Luna fearfully asked, her eyes never leaving the creature. "You can't be real... YOU CAN'T BE!!!" Kenny yelled with rage. "Oh but I am real, Kenny," The abomination said with a deep, ominous voice that vibrated through the air, "I am very real. I always was, and always have been." "Kenny, if you know what this thing is, tell us." Braden ordered. "What is that I hear in your voice, Braden? Fear? Not so tough now that I am out of that pathetically weak horse, are you?" "YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF MY SISTER WITH SUCH DISRESPECT!!!" Luna yelled with the RCV. "Or what, little Woona? With an attitude like that, I think somebody needs another thousand years on the moon." Luna cringed back. "And don't think I'm incapable of such petty magic..." "You aren't that powerful!" Twilight yelled, having finally mustered enough courage. "You're probably all talk!" "Oh ho ho, well look at you, little Twilight Sparkle, being the hero as always. Thank you for the letters you sent me, by the way. The fire was starting to get a little cold." The monster gave a chuckle at Twilight's distress. "Still up for that cute little picnic you wanted, my most faithful student?" "Kenny, WHO IS HE?" Braden demanded. Kenny gulped. "That thing is... is..." "Go on, say it. Your friends are dying to know." "... It's Chickenpede." Oh no! Will our brave heroes manage to defeat this dasterdly villain? Tune in next time to find out! To Be Continued... ... Immediately "Huh. Kind of an uncreative name, no?" Luna said. "Yeah really," Twilight added, "I was expecting something more evil- ish sounding." "I am your salvation through destruction." "How the hell did you get here?" Kenny growled. "And at what point did you possess Celestia?!" Chickenpede chuckled. "It was quite simple really. I was following your ship to Reach, but when that Covenant ship attacked, I hitched a ride on your Longsword and got a free ride here. After I realized where I was, the first thing I did in Equestria was go to Canterlot and committed grand theft body on little Celly. Her attempts at resistance were laughably pathetic, but amusing. I immediately began planning my conquest of the multiverse afterwards, but then I discovered one tiny little flaw in my plans," At this, Chickenpede's tone became darker, "For whatever reason, this world would not allow me to leave until you six Spartans were dead. And since I needed the loyalty of the ponies to further enact my plans, I needed to stay in my weak horse form 24/7, so I couldn't finish you off easily." "But why," Kenny asked, "Why do all of this?!" "Because I want revenge." "On WHO?" "ON BUNGIE!" Chickenpede roared. "The nerve of those cretins to not make me a canon Halo character! ME! The almighty CHICKENPEDE! But no, they left me as nothing more than another joke in their blog! Forgotten! Lost to the depths of the internet! But at last, after five hundred and forty two years of waiting, I am going to invade the multiverse, go back in time, and WIPE BUNGIE FROM HISTORY! And everyone else too ha ha." "Who's Bungie?" Twilight innocently asked. Kenny was absolutely mortified. "Oh my god. He's going to go to the Home Universe, and wipe us all out from existence. We have to stop him!" "Oh but you won't." Chickenpede lashed out and pinned the two ponies and two humans against the wall with a leg each. "Nothing can stop me now." And then a burst of light shot out from behind Chickenpede and vaporized his head. The abomination fell dead, releasing our four heroes. From behind the giant corpse stepped forth a certain somepony. "Princess Celestia!" Twilight cheered as she ran up to Celestia. "Sister!" Luna cheered as she ran up to Celestia. "What the hell is going on." Braden deadpanned. "Okay," Kenny said, "So, that monster? He's the asshole that's been causing most of our problems from the get go. And her?" Kenny pointed to Celestia. "She was under his control the whole time. So she's cool, okay?" "Hrm..." Celestia walked up to Braden. She just flat out walked up to him without any hesitation or worry. "Hello." She said. Braden glared at her. Not that she could see it under his visor, "Hello." He replied evenly. "Am I correct to assume that you are Colonel Braden of the Spartans?" "You are correct." "Well then, may I say that it is an honor to meet the one who beat the tar out of Chickenpede while he was in control of my body?" Braden cocked an eyebrow. "You're not holding anything against me?" "Oh heavens no! If anything, you should be the one to hold something against me. I was too weak to defend myself against Chickenpede, and was forced to commit many out of character atrocities. I deserve those beatings...*sniff sniff*" "I, uh, well, I wouldn't say that but..." "But enough of that! What say we all start over while eating cake?!" Celestia's eye gave a slight twitch. "Um, Princess Celestia, are you okay?" Twilight anxiously asked. "Please, my faithful student, do not call me that, for I am no longer Celestia. I now go by a new name. I am... MEMELESTIA!" "Oh boy, looks like Chickenpede's influence on Celestia has done a number on her sanity," Kenny said, "She's gonna need some therapy." "Wait, there is still one thing I do not understand," Luna said, "If Celestia was not able to defeat Chickenpede earlier, then how did she just kill him now?" "Oh, pft, the answer to that is obvious," Celestia replied, "I used the exact same move, but then he just got back up. I'm pretty sure it worked this time though." Everyone silently agreed to not panic as a giant Chickenpede- shaped shadow loomed over them. "Round two. FIGHT." ********** Kenny, Braden, Twilight, Luna, and Celestia ran out of the collapsing cave just as the entrance was sealed by a giant boulder. "We *huff* we made it," Twilight said, "We bucking made it!" "I can't believe we actually managed to kill that thing," Luna distantly said as she tried to get the horrific images from the battle out of her eyes. "Isn't this great?" Kenny asked everyone, "We defeated the monster and saved the princess! All thanks to the power of friendship!" "What is wrong with you people?" Braden asked as he wiped Chickenpede's blood off his katana with a leaf. Celestia giggled. "So, how about that cake?"