//------------------------------//
// Chapter 3 
// Story: Pony Express 
// by ocalhoun 
//------------------------------//

	“Fry, just because you're wearing a chef's hat doesn't mean you're an expert chef!” Leela ground her palm into her face in frustration. This was the fourth hat Fry had tried since the voyage began. Somehow, he had gotten the idea that hats were the human equivalent to the 'cutie marks' that little Scootaloo kept going on about.
“And in case you've forgotten,” Bender added, “I'm the ship's cook, and there's only room for one chef in this kitchen.” The robot's eyes narrowed menacingly as he stared Fry down.
Though he was backing away with his hand held defensively up in front of him, Fry was still wearing the hat. “Hey, I'm just trying to find my special talent, and–”
A voice blasting in over the comm system drowned out Fry's reply. “Stop right there! Give Scootaloo back to us, or be prepared to face the consequences!”


* * *


Kiff winced as he saw his captain. Usually he tried to avoid Zapp Brannigan's bubble baths, but unfortunately, this time it couldn't be helped. Thankfully, due to the bubbles, he could only see the top half of the captain's back, though that was bad enough. “Sir, do you really need to do that on the bridge?”
“Of course! You never know when an emergency could arise.” Brannigan slammed his fist down into the bubbly water, causing a rubber duck to splash out from the tub. “So I have to be ready at all times!”
With a truly heroic effort, Kiff managed to avoid rolling his eyes. “Well, that's good, Sir, because we have a distress call coming in from an Earthican ship that claims to be under attack by aliens.” Kiff turned around, not wanting to see any more bath-time activities than he absolutely had to. “They're only half a sector away. Should we change course to intercept?”
“And interrupt my bubble bath? Who do they think we are, the Earthican Defense Force or something?”
“We are the Earthican Defense Force, sir.” Kiff heard a splash from behind him. Evidently, that revelation was enough to shock Brannigan into dropping something, but no reply was forthcoming. It looked like Kiff would have to play his trump card. He knew this would get a response. “And the distress call was sent out by a Captain Leela of the Planet Express Ship.”
An enormous splash caused Kiff to reflexively turn and look to see what happened. He immediately regretted it. Brannigan had suddenly stood up in the tub. “Leela!? Full speed ahead! Open a channel to both ships!”
Kiff grimaced at the sight in front of him. Still, at least the captain's back was turned to him. “A voice only call, I presume?”
Brannigan whirled around, causing Kiff to desperately cover his eyes... unfortunately, not before he had seen far more than he wanted to see. “Excellent Idea, Kiff. I'm glad I thought of it. Open up a voice channel at once!”


* * *


“Have no fear, Captain Leela!” As soon as that voice came in over the comm system, Leela knew the situation was about to get much, much worse. “I, Captain Zapp Brannigan, am hear to save you!” Instead of cutting off as she expected, the transmission continued. At least it was voice-only, so she wouldn't have to look at him. “Kiff, open fire on the alien ship! ... And open up a channel to them for my victory yodel... And prep my chambers for romantic encounter... What's that? Oh! And cease transmission!”
Leela looked up at the scope. The Nimbus was already approaching, weapons at the ready. As much trouble as these ponies were causing her, she didn't want to see Brannigan zap them out of the sky. She punched the transmit button, re-opening the channel to Zapp. “Brannigan, don't! Don't shoot.”
The plaintive reply came quickly. “Why not?” Something in the tone of voice told Leela that not shooting hadn't entered into his mind at all as an option.
“They're cute and innocent!”
“Innocent, my shiny metal–”
“Shut up, Bender! – And I don't want to see them blasted, okay?”
After a short pause, Brannigan's voice again came in over the comm. “They're cute, huh? Kiff, open a channel to the aliens... Hmm... The seductive Captain Turanga Leela versus a ship full of cute alien girls... this promises to be a highly arousing conundrum... What? Cease transmission already! Why do I have to keep telling you people this?”
Leela shook her head. She hadn't meant they were that kind of 'cute'. Oh, this wouldn't end well.


* * *


“I, uh, really don't know what you're talking about.” Rainbow didn't find this 'Captain Leela' on the other end of the communication channel very convincing, to say the least.
“We know you took her,” Twilight answered.
Rainbow wasn't about to leave it at that though. She butted in, shoving Twilight out of the way. “Is Scootaloo okay? What have you done to her? Show her to us!”
“Well, ah–” 
Leela's voice from the other side was cut off by a much more familiar one. “Was that Rainbow Dash? I heard Rainbow Dash!” The excitement in Scootaloo's voice was overwhelming. “Oh! Oh! Let me on!”
“Squirt!” Just hearing the little filly's voice alleviated a lot of Rainbow's concerns. “Are you okay? What have they done with you?”
“They took me out for ice cream!” The filly did sound excited about that.
She wasn't the only one excited about it, apparently. Rainbow found herself shoved away from the radio as Pinkie Pie butted in. “Oh! Ooh! You went for ice cream? What flavor? Did it have sprinkles? What about–”
“Pinkie.” Twilight's magic was already dragging the pink pony away.
Rather than a response about the ice cream, the sound of a short scuffle came over the radio, quickly replaced by the brash voice of the robot. “We don't have any pony here. Who said anything about a pony? We've never even met you people. Who are you? Beat it and leave us alone!”
“Bender.” Leela's voice came over the speaker again, laced with disapproval. “They already know about–”
“Don't tell them!” The robot's voice came on again. “No wonder you people don't commit crimes more often... you stink at it!”
“Look,” Rainbow said, back at the microphone again, “can we just–”
“This is Captain Zapp Brannigan of the... uh...” The new, interrupting voice paused for a moment before continuing, “Earthican Defense Force. Right. Identify yourselves immediately, or be destroyed!”
“Huh?” Rainbow looked around in confusion. “Who was that?” Her gaze found its way over to Fluttershy, who had been assigned as their sensor operator.
“Oh... um... I kind of noticed that ship coming in a while back. It's really big and the screen calls it the 'Nimbus'... but you all seemed pretty busy... and, well, I didn't want to interrupt...”
Twilight took Rainbow's moment of distraction to her advantage and once again claimed her place at the comm system. “This is the Royal Equestrian Ship, Solar Flair. We're here to rescue a kidnapped pony.”


* * *


“Hm...” Zapp Brannigan stroked his chin thoughtfully.
“Sir, Shall I–”
“Yes, they sound very seductive... erotic even.”
Kiff suppressed a shudder. “Sir, they aren't even–”
“You there, with the face!” Brannigan pointed at the crewmember at the tractor beam controls.
“Yes, Sir?”
“No, not you. The one with the other face!”
“Sir?” The one he had pointed to spoke up.
“Right. Pull in the alien ship for questioning.”
“Sir,” Kiff knew it would be pointless, but he had to try. “I'm not certain we have legal justification to detain–”
“Kiff!”
Well, Kiff hadn't expected to finish his objection before being interrupted anyway. “Sir?”
“Drain my bath water and prepare my interrogating uniform.”
Kiff sighed heavily. “The long skirted or short skirted interrogation uniform?”
“Short,” Brannigan said as he rose up out of the bubble bath again. He stretched luxuriantly before stepping out and wrapping a towel around himself. This time, Kiff did shudder.


* * *


“Okay, Kiff, we're about to meet our very sexful opponents for the first time. Watch how it's done, and prepare to be amazed... Oh, and clear my schedule for the rest of the day.”
With a sigh, Kiff shook the etch-a-sketch that held his captain's schedule. This would be the fourth time today the schedule had been wiped clean.
“Release docking bay lockdown!” Brannigan shouted out to the bay in general. Apparently, someone in the bay heard and obeyed the order, since all the red lights in the bay suddenly turned green.
As soon as the lights changed, the alien ship's ramp began to open. Before it even reached the landing bay's floor, six aliens jumped out of it. They were quadrupedal, very colorful, and they didn't look happy about being in the Nimbus' landing bay.
The most colorful one, with a full rainbow in her hair, was the first to speak up. “Who's in charge here? Let us out right now!”
“Whaa? What are these things?” Brannigan asked. “Where are the cute girls I spoke to earlier?”
The aliens all looked at each other in confusion. The purple one was the first to reply. “I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends. We are  the ponies you were talking to earlier.”
Brannigan just stared at the ponies in front of him... a little too intently. “Kiff,” he said finally, “I'm disappointed, but also strangely aroused.” Another pause followed. He was apparently deep in contemplation. “Have these ponies taken to the brig. I have some thinking to do.”
Well, at least it was a less demeaning task than he was usually assigned to. “Follow me, please,” he said to the colorful aliens in front of him.
“Hey, we're not going anywhere until we get Scootaloo back!” The rainbow-haired one jumped up in front of him, her horn lowered and her wings spread menacingly.
Kiff wasn't without protection though. Suddenly, the dozens of troopers all around the landing bay snapped to attention, leveling their rayguns at the six ponies.
Even the brash blue one who had been threatening Kiff seemed to be subdued by the display.
“Okay, can you please follow me now?” He really didn't want to see yet another of Brannigan's massacres today.
“Well...” The pony looked down the dozens of gun barrels pointed at her. “I guess we can do what you say. For now.”


* * *


Rainbow couldn't stand waiting any longer. She growled in frustration. “We have to get out of here, Twilight! They're getting away with Scootaloo!”
“For the last time, Rainbow, I know.” Twilight resumed her look of concentration, only to break out of it again with a grunt after a few ugly sparks flew from her horn. “But something about that energy field blocking the doorway is interfering with my magic.” Her face scrunched up in concentration again. “If I could just... get the right...” She grunted. “Frequency...” Again, her spell shattered into a little shower of sparks. “Ugh, it's hopeless! There's no way I can–”
“Excuse me.”
All six ponies turned to the glowing yellow door of their cramped prison. Standing there was the little green creature they had met in the landing bay. What had the other one called it? Kiff?
“The captain has requested to meet the one of you called 'Twilight Sparkle' in his quarters.” The little green thing sighed with apparent resignation. “And he requested that you wear this.” He held up a set of four long purple-striped socks.
The ponies all stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded. “Really?” Twilight asked.
The Kiff creature sighed again. “Yes. Really.” He reached up and pressed a button next to the doorway, and the glowing field blocking it promptly disappeared.
A malicious gleam came to Twilight's eyes. “Oh, we'll go meet him in his quarters, all right.” The alicorn's horn began to glow a bright violet. “No problem at all.”
With a purple flash, Rainbow found herself and her friends to no longer be in the brig. Now they had been teleported somewhere more spacious... somewhere decked out in red and pink, with an enormous heart-shaped bed in the center. On the bed, Rainbow spotted a very surprised-looking Zapp Brannigan.
“The game's up, Brannigan!” Twilight growled. “Surrender, or face the consequences!” Her horn began to glow again, this time pointed directly at the pudgy captain, who just squeaked in terror and clutched his velour robe tighter around himself.


* * *


Kiff turned to the bridge's door as he heard it open, and he could only sigh when he saw who was coming. It was Brannigan, of course, still dressed in his 'seduction uniform', but tied up tightly and laying across a pink pony's back. The ponies, all six of them, just barged in like they owned the place, which – knowing Zapp's competence – they probably did by now.
“Okay, everyone, listen up!” The blue-furred one walked over and pointed a hoof at Brannigan. “You all do what we say, or the captain here gets it!”
“Gets what?” Kiff asked. It was an honest question, but he didn't really mind the thought of various terrible things befalling his captain.
The blue pony seemed to be at a loss, but the pink one jumped up to the front of the group – dropping Brannigan roughly to the deck in the process – and gave the bridge's crew a surprisingly menacing glare. “It.”
“Just do what she says!” Brannigan called out from the floor. “If I have to hear the word kumquat one more time, I'll... I'll...” He didn't finish, and instead just curled up into a quivering ball of fear right there on the deck. “No... more,” he whispered, “no more.”
As much as Kiff might prefer to see his captain get 'it', he had just been given a direct order. “Alright, men. You heard the captain. Do as they say.”


* * *


Rainbow smiled at Twilight, who nodded in return. Their plan had worked flawlessly. Rainbow had always known that some occasions called for bringing out the big guns. Nobody could withstand a full-on Pinkie tirade for long.
Now, to get Scootaloo back. “You there, crewmember guy!”
“Yes?” One of the men at the consoles lining the wall stood up.
“No, not you. The other guy.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.” Rainbow had been around ships like this long enough to recognize a sensor console when she saw one. “Is the Planet Express Ship still close?”
He took a moment to stare at the screen in front of him... and pushed a few buttons... and stared at it some more.
“Today please!” Rainbow's patience was wearing thin. She could hardly hold still. After coming so far to find that little Scootaloo, it was unbearable to be so close, but be wasting time.
“Ah, yes. They're still only half a sector away.”
“Good.” Rainbow's eyes gleamed. “Set a course and catch them.” She glanced around the bridge. “Uh, and...” She still couldn't see anything she recognized as what she was looking for. All these buttons and flashing lights were still pretty foreign to her. “Um.... Tractor beam guy!”
“Yes ma'am!” The reply came from behind Rainbow, startling her for a moment.
“Warm up the tractor beams and get ready to pull in that Planet Express Ship!” Rainbow rubbed her hooves together in anticipation. The stars in the front window were moving again, and now she knew it would be only a matter of time until they would finally get what they came all this way for.


* * *


Leela cringed when she saw the identifier code of the ship bearing down on them. The Nimbus. Wasn't one encounter with Brannigan enough for one day? Why did he have to keep chasing after her? She held her finger over the comm system's 'ignore' button and braced herself for the worst.
The whole ship suddenly jolted to the side. As her face became painfully better acquainted with the deck, Leela ruefully thought she should have braced herself physically, not emotionally. “What happened?” she asked as she picked herself up.
“The Nimbus caught us in a tractor beam!” Bender suddenly pointed his stubby finger at Leela. “This is all your fault!”
Leela looked over at the little orange pony now standing next to her on the floor... Maybe Bender was right. That was a disturbing thought!


* * *


Kiff watched with studied indifference as the Planet Express Ship was drawn into the primary docking bay. When one served under Zapp Brannigan, one became accustomed to the absurd.
With a resounding clang, the ship came to a rest on the deck, right next to the one the ponies had been flying. For a long, empty moment, nothing happened. Everyone, Kiff included, watched the Planet Express Ship's door expectantly. Nothing happened some more. Apparently, the Planet Express crew had enough good sense to stay safe inside their ship.
As Kiff watched, the ponies all looked at one another, seemingly at a loss. The blond-maned one, who was now the one carrying Brannigan, shrugged, causing the captain to fall to the floor once more.
After a moment, though, one of the ponies – the white one with a purple mane – made a move. She trotted over to the captured ship's ramp and in a surprisingly good falsetto voice called out, “Oh hello, there! I was wondering if anyone on board could help me.” She adopted a pleading tone. “You see, I'm having ever such a hard time carrying all these gemstones.” She pawed at the deck, a look of downtrodden regret on her face. “So, could you ever be so kind as to come out and give me just a little help with them, pretty please?”
Kiff shook his head. That scam was ridiculous. There was no way they could possibly be stupid enough to–
With a hiss and a clang, the Planet Express Ship's door slammed open. “Ooh! Ooh! I'll help!” Kiff's hand seemed to slap onto his forehead on its own accord as he saw Bender running down the ramp.
“Bender, you moron, come back!” Leela shouted down from the door, her arms reaching out in an effort to catch the wayward kleptomaniac.
Her efforts to recapture Bender were too late though. The rainbow-haired pony was already on the move. She rocketed up the ramp past him, and bowled over Leela at the top as she shot in through the door. In what seemed like only ten seconds, the pony shot back through the door – once again bowling over the unfortunate Leela, who had only just managed to get up. As she soared up into the spacious landing bay, though, everyone could see the smaller orange pony she was proudly holding up.


* * *


Leela kept a watchful eye on the ponies as they made their way to the brig. She had no intention of making another visit to the prison quarters of the Nimbus, especially not in the company of Zapp Brannigan, even if he was still tied up. Still, though she would love to see him languish forever as a prisoner to the ponies, she would need him in order to take back control of the Nimbus so that the Planet Express Ship could be released from the docking–
She saw it! Just the opportunity she had been waiting for: a big grated ventilation shaft coming up on the left wall. She eyed the ponies around her. Good. They didn't seem to be paying much attention to her. She slowly edged into position... and then struck. A quick, sweeping kick to the blond maned pony's legs sent the pony tumbling to the ground and sent the tied-up Brannigan tumbling into Leela's arms. A quick grab caught Bender and Fry's arms, and together they all hurtled towards the ventilation grate.
Before the ponies could react at all, Leela and her crew, Brannigan in tow, crashed through the fragile grating. Her escape attempt had been a smashing success! She soon noticed a slight flaw in the plan though, when she began falling down the vertical shaft. All four of them screamed as they plummeted down into the dusty darkness.


* * *


“Well, I'll be... That's an awful long way to fall.” Applejack craned her neck, staring down the empty ventilation shaft. “Y'all reckon they're okay?”
Rainbow Dash fluttered through the broken grating above Applejack. The grate was as tall as the hallway, and nearly as wide: easy to fly though. She stared down into the shaft as she hovered inside it. She could see only darkness below her. “I don't know. There's no sign of 'em.”
“If they are alive down there, we need to get out.” Twilight poked her head into the shaft next to Applejack's. “They'll take back control of the ship and capture us again.”
Rainbow swooped back down out of the shaft and into the hallway. “Then what are we waiting for?” She scooped up Scootaloo. “We got what we came for. Let's get out of here!”
Without waiting for the others, she set off flying down the hallway, still carrying Scootaloo.
“Dashie!” Rainbow spun around to see her friends all heading the other direction, and Pinkie waving back at her. “The ship is this way!”
With a slight blush, Rainbow spun around in midair and caught up with her friends. This big ship was confusing after all. No shame in getting a little turned around.


* * *


The unusual moment of peaceful silence on the bridge shattered as the sound of several screams grew louder in the air vent. Kiff sighed. At least the peace and quiet had been nice while it lasted. With a crash, the still-tied Brannigan and the crew of the Planet Express Ship burst through the bridge's air vent and landed in a heap on the deck.
Brannigan seemed to be the first to recover. “Ah. The bridge. Perfect.” He rose to a sitting position – or as near as he could get to one, bound as he was – and balanced himself on top of the pile of bodies. “Kiff, untie me at once. We have some ponies to capture!”
As much as Kiff may have preferred to leave him tied, he had just been given a direct order.


* * *


“Well, it looks like Brannigan's back in charge.”
Leela rolled her eye. Fry did have a talent for stating the obvious.
“We've got to get out of here!” Bender shouted, right in her ear.
She squirmed her way out of the pile of crew members on the deck. “And why's that?”
“Do you remember what happened the other times that guy was in charge?” Bender looked at her as if she had just shoved ice cream up her nose.
It only took a moment of reflection for Leela to understand the gravity of their situation. “Quick! To the ship!”


* * *


An innocuous-sounding beep drew Kiff's attention to one of the instrument panels next to him. “Sir, it appears that the pony ship has left the landing bay.”
“Has it now?” Brannigan sank down into his captain's chair and steepled his fingers. “So, a game of cat and mouse it is.” 
Another identical beep rang from the panel. “And the Planet Express Ship has left as well.”
Brannigan stood up and pointed at one of the crew members lining the walls. “You there, Tractor beam guy.”
“I'm weapons control. He's on the tractor beam controls.”
Brannigan moved his finger to point at a crew member on the other side of the room. “Of course. I knew that. That's why I'm pointing at him.”
“Sir?” the crew member said, rising to attention.
“Step aside. This is going to require a captain's touch.”
Kiff rolled his eyes as Brannigan took the crew member's place at the tractor beam controls. This wouldn't end well.
“The key to controlling a tractor beam with real talent, Kiff,” Brannigan said as he settled into the control console, “is to remember that it's just like making love.”
“Oh dear,” was all Kiff could say.
“That's why I, naturally, am a complete expert.” He began pressing buttons and turning dials, apparently at random. With a flourish, he finished by pounding the big, red 'activate' button at the top.
“Sir, I think you may have–”
“Kiff, I don't recall asking for your input.”
“But sir, you've got the wrong–”
“That's enough of that!” Brannigan slammed his fist down on the next console over, jettisoning all the ship's food supplies. “I'm the expert here, Kiff. You just sit back and watch the master at work.”
Kiff just sighed once more and watched as the captain reeled in the Planet Express Ship with the tractor beam.


* * *


Rainbow held Scootaloo close as the Solar Flair rocketed ever further away from the big cruiser behind them. “Are we clear yet? Did we make it?”
Twilight looked up from her pilot's controls. After the previous few performances, she had insisted on flying the ship herself this time. “I think we're going to make it.” She stared at the monitor above her a bit more. “That Planet Express Ship took off after us for a little while, but now they're flying back to the Nimbus... backwards for some reason.”


* * *


“Now, Kiff, to enjoy the glory of my victory!” The Captain strode confidently toward the door to the docking bay. “Those ponies won't even know what hit them.”
Kiff just shook his head and followed Brannigan through the sliding door. Immediately on the other side, Captain Leela of the Planet Express Ship stood with her arms crossed in front of her chest, her foot tapping impatiently, and a look of sheer loathing in her one big eye.
“Well, well, well... This is quite the erotic surprise,” Brannigan blurted out.
Kiff rolled his eyes again. Had this been his captain's plan all along?


* * *


As the Solar Flair's boarding ramp lowered back onto its home on Canterlot Castle's landing pad, Rainbow Dash flew out through the exit, proudly holding the rescued Scootaloo out in front of her. The filly didn't seem to mind all the attention from her idol.
Rainbow's friends weren't far behind, stepping out off of the ramp just behind her. Celestia's royal regalia floated in Twilight's magical grip just in front of the group.
Rainbow had been hoping for a hero's welcome, but it looked like they would have nothing of the sort, not this time, anyway. The only pony there to meet them at the landing pad was Celestia herself.
The Princess still looked strange in the nude. Even if she still couldn't possibly be mistaken for an ordinary pony, she looked somehow more approachable, even though Rainbow wasn't used to seeing her that way. “I see your mission was a success,” the Princess said with a smile.
The magical glow surrounding her regalia changed from Twilight's violet to Celestia's own bright yellow, and the jewelry quickly floated back to its rightful owner, fitting itself into place effortlessly.
“I'm so proud of you, my little ponies. You never cease to amaze me.” It wasn't exactly the cheering crowds Rainbow had been hoping for, but Celestia's warm smile of approval was almost as satisfying. The Princess' smile faded though, and her eyes widened as she seemed to notice something strange. “Rainbow Dash, what... what happened to you?”
Rainbow had almost forgotten about her new horn, and she hadn't even thought yet of the reaction she'd get when she came back home with it. “Oh, this?” She poked at it with her free hoof. “Say hello to the very first alicorn Wonderbolt in the history of Equestria!”
Finally getting to see the ruler of all Equestria struck speechless was its own reward.



The End




Hedonism Bot plodded down the ramp of the shining white and gold ship, wondering where he was. The last thing he remembered was enjoying a charming full-body chocolate massage while struggling to win a non-drinking contest with one of Zapp Brannigan's killbots. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in an unfamiliar cargo hold with a horrible hangover and no idea how he had gotten there.
The first thing he saw after making it to the bottom of the ramp was a huge gleaming castle right in front of him. Well, that was a good start. Nearby, he noticed a few colorful aliens peeking out at him from inside an arched doorway. They looked delightful! He started toward the castle, contemplating the many sumptuous ways these little pony-like aliens might be enjoyed...