//------------------------------// // Untangling Knots // Story: House that Heartbreak Rebuilt // by Jet_Black1980 //------------------------------// Chapter 18 Untangling Knots As I look in the mirror of the train station bathroom at the five or six floating beauty care items, I realized that I spoke too fucking soon. Rarity is looking at me with that almost ravenous glint in her eyes about what part of me she wants to tackle first. “Hmmm, mane, body or tail?” She asks, waving a curling iron in the air. She gets up in my face and inspects it. “Are you sure that you don’t want your lashes curled? I could-” “Rarity!” I am starting to tremble. That hot curling iron is bringing back bad memories. Fuck! Come on! It’s just a curling iron... a hot iron... a red hot iron- STOP IT. “Keep that ffff-flipping thing away from me!” She gives me a confused look. Calm down, H.B. Explain yourself. “That’s a curling iron. A hot curling iron,” I whimper. Come on! It’s nothing like what Kylie used! But I can’t help it now. It’s hot and metal. There’s no rational reason why I should be near terrified of this thing, but every emotional part of me is screaming to keep it away. She eyes the device she was just casually waving about. Her eyes go wide and she eeps. “Oh, right,” the sudden realization hitting her. “I’m terribly sorry for being so insensitive, darling. Let’s stay with the nice, safe, and cool brush.” “I didn’t mean to freak out, Rarity. And I know there’s a lot of things that remind me of that night, but,” I frown at Rarity’s description of the brush, “‘Nice, safe, and cool brush?’ Rarity, please don’t talk to me like I’m a mental patient.” I run a hoof through my mane and she gives me a look of disapproval. Alright, by all definitions I was acting like a mental patient. I put my hoof on the counter and give an awkward ashamed smile. With this awkward smile out comes an involuntary, almost reflexive, ‘squeeing,’ noise. I quickly cover my mouth and cough. “Uhm... excuse me.” She frowns. “I beg your pardon?” “I squeed.” Rarity frowns and cocks her head. “And there’s something wrong with that?” I haven’t a clue why she’s trying to start a conversation over this. No, Wait- yes I do. It’s most likely what she and many other girls do when they are brushing and grooming each other: Gab. “I don’t like it. It’s like I have no control over it and where I’m from, we don’t squee.” Alright, generally we don’t squee. Or if we do, it’s not like this over-the-top-look-at-me-and-my-cuteness noise. It’s too cute sounding. Too- and I am going to hate myself for saying this- girly sounding. My internal judge is glaring at me. Yup, I am hating myself for just thinking that. “I’m sure that stallions squee too. Gaia knows that when I was still human that we squeed, or attempted to squee over things. Besides, squeeing will-” Rarity lifts the brush and starts brushing my mane. “H.B., if you are going to fit in with ponies then you are going to have to act like a pony. And part of being a pony is the occasional,” her eyebrow lifts, “‘Squeeing’ noise.” “I still don’t like it,” I reply. “Well, like it or not, as I said before, it is part of being a pony.” She tugs down a bit on my mane and quickly brushes at the ends of it. “Besides, it’s one of those delightfully cute sounds that seems to drive stallions wild,” she says with a slight thrill in her voice. Aaaaand we’ve jumped twenty levels of awkward. Need to defuse conversation! How do we stop the conversation!? “Rarity, no offense, but we are on a schedule and I’m not really the talkative type. No offense, less chatting more brushing?” She looks at me with a mildly hurt expression. “Alright, be it far from me to try to make such a banal task go by a lot smoother.” Her eye quirks again. “Though if there is anything you would like to talk about, remember that you’re free to do so.” “Oh I see what you’re doing, Rarity. Trying to needle truths out of me while we comb over my mane. It’s not like barbers and stylists haven’t been doing that for as long as they have existed.” “I’ll keep that in mind...” I really don’t want to tell Rarity the truth of the matter. How it feels like she is eyeing me like some piece of meat that is being readied to be cut and served up. Or even worse, the real truth of the matter. That truth being of course the whole issue with my gender swapping issue. Right, I have been avoiding even thinking about this topic because of what it leads to. After all, the passing thought of, ‘Why don’t you just tell them?’ has strayed through my mind. And there are several reasons I don’t. The first being of how long it’s been since my arrival. At first I didn’t tell them cause I had other soul crushing horrible things being thrown at me. Then it became, ‘do I tell them?’ And before long procrastination set in. And now? If I let them know now, it’ll only lead to more awkwardness. They’ll feel like I felt like I couldn’t trust them with a secret that is so... well, vital. ‘Cause like it or not, gender is a core piece of a great number of every individual's identity. I mean, it shouldn’t. But it is. Gender gives you certain guidelines by which everyone expects you to look and act. Boys play with trucks, robots and guns. Girls play with dolls, dress up and makeup. Guys are expected to do heavy lifting and hard work, girls are expected to take the lighter loads. Guys are expected to be all macho and not show emotion, girls are expected to be dainty and almost be required to carry tissues. I mean fuck, there is a genre of movie called, ‘chick flick.’ But there is a part of me that says these things shouldn’t matter. I’ve always hated those stereotypes that the society pushed on us. I hated the fact that I wasn’t, ‘allowed,’ to wear something because it was the wrong colour. I loathed that I couldn’t show emotion because I would be seen a, ‘sissy,’ if I did. I despised that dogs are for boys and cats are for girls. I could do a whole rant about how there are more female-cat based superheroes than guy cats. But that is totally off topic. The point I am trying to push here is that I hate stereotypes. From jocks to nerds, to preps to cheerleaders, to slackers to teacher’s pets. They were always so confining, so binding, so chafing. I mean, so what if I was a guy? I’m not one anymore. Well, not one physically anyway... But at the same time there’s the part of me that won’t let go of those things that I was brought up with. They are ingrained into us at an early age. They are practically forced upon us everyday that we’re alive. And sure, with this coming from a brony that watched a show originally designed and meant for little girls and their families might be a bit hypocritical, I am looking at this from a long term stance. I don’t need to go from one side of the spectrum of a male dominated culture being pushed on me, to the opposite side of the spectrum of a female dominated culture pushed on me. I don’t need the stress. I don’t need to look in the mirror and not see any glimmer of myself. Even if it’s through this pony mask, there is some part of me still in there. Somewhere... Then there is the way that each of them would react. Twilight would try to fix the problem with magic, and it would backfire. I’m quite sure that the Nine knew what kind of world they were sending me to. What the characters were like and what their flaws and quirks were. I mean how couldn’t they?! Kyle and I would practically watch the show together! We’d talk about what we liked and didn’t like! Sang some of the songs from the show together! We- fet... getting off topic in my own mind. And thinking about Kylie is starting to get to me. Back to topic. Twilight would attempt to, ‘fix,’ the problem with her magic! All it would take would be one, ‘gender reversal spell,’ if such a thing exists, and most likely I would have to deal with Dusk Shine, Rainbow Blitz, Elusive, Bubble Berry, Butterscotch and male Applejack. Things are frustrating enough without everyone of them being stallions! I have enough trouble trusting stallions around me; I don’t need to worry about whether or not the six of them stop acting like mares and start acting like stallions and start showing... ugh... interest in me. I come back from my little internal world and spy something hovering near the back of my neck. Blinking I realize that Rarity is attempting to curl my mane somehow without the curling iron, I am guessing with her magic. “Hey!” I jump away. “What?” She says trying to look innocent. “You didn’t answer my question about how you would like your mane styled yesterday, darling! ” I glare at her a little. “And I told you, Rarity. Just a brushing. Nothing more.” “I don’t know why you’re being so jumpy, H.B.,” Rarity says trying to pose an innocent look on her face. “I’m merely trying to add a little finesse to your coiffure... And I might as well do the rest now - otherwise you’ll look a frightful mess!” I cringe at the word she just used. “I don’t mean to cramp your style, but please just call it a mane... And we have a deal,” I reply looking at the sinks. I’m glad that they are the kind I can tap to turn on. “No going overboard, no overdoing it. It doesn’t need any, ‘finesse,’ it just needs to be cleaned up. And I am going to wear my hat.” Rarity shakes her head. “I just don’t see why you like that-” She stops as I snort. “It’s a gift from a talented p-pony, Rarity. And I promised him that I would wear his hats and advertise them for him. You wouldn’t want me to break a promise now would you?” I think I’ll leave out the part about how it makes me look like a tomboy. I can dig the tomboy look. Maybe. Rarity sighs and nods. “Alright, I can respect that.” She starts to run the brush through my mane. There are fewer tangles now and it’s much less painful. I continue this thought experiment. How would the others react? Rainbow Dash might not care, but she wants to get me back for what happened in Canterlot. Yeah, I can see Dash going out of her way to try a prank involving makeup, dresses or something humiliating. I look at Rarity brushing my mane. She’s been over the same spot over ten times. “Rarity, you can move on to another spot, you know right?” “I’m just making sure that it looks right, darling.” “Yeah sure, and we’re on a timed schedule, remember?” Truth be told, I just don’t want her brushing my mane more than she has to. “If you want, we can do some of this on the train,” she replies in an almost musical manner. “Is there enough room in the bathroom?” I ask. “Hmmm good point... we might have some time before the auction,” Rarity suggests. “I’m sure that you could do this all in one sitting if you did more brushing and less talking, Rarity.” Ugh. Nope, not telling her my, ‘secret.’ I can see how that would turn out. There would be shock. “Oh Darling! You poor thing! No wonder you keep rejecting these things!” Then would come over done sympathy: “Please, if there is anything you need, or any help with anything mare related, please come and tell me! I can teach you the proper ways of being a lady and any of the difficult things that come with it!” and then any behavior that I express from then on would be picked apart and over analyzed to see if it was either masculine or feminine. Eventually, jokes would be made constantly from her, about, "Oh my darling! You’re looking more like a lovely mare with every passing day!" which in turn would spread to the others and ...ugh! Yeah. Not telling Rarity. I’m not sure how Pinkie Pie would take it. She might not care or she might offer sympathies. But fuck, I do not want to hear the phrase ‘I’m sorry that you miss your...uhm, *cough* penis *cough*,’ from any of these ponies. Particularly Pinkie Pie. “Ouch!” I squeak out as Rarity tugs a little too hard. It appears that she’s attempting to tame my tail. “Rarity!” “Sorry, but I am hitting a few more.” She tugs a bit more. “Snags! Are you sure Twilight brushed this?” “Ouch! Yes!” The painful twinges subside as Rarity plows through them. “You don’t treat Fluttershy like this, do you?” I squeak out in hopes that Rarity is a bit more gentle. Fluttershy... How would she react? Fuck... I still haven’t apologized for what happened back in Canterlot and I don’t think I ever thanked her for what happened on Creativi-tea.Telling her might give the response of, ‘Oh, my... I’m so sorry.’ Or an eep and her, well, shying away. Then retreating and not knowing how to react. I sniff hard. Rarity looks over from her brushing. “Are you alright, H.B.? You don’t need a tissue do you? Am I tugging too hard again?” “No, you aren’t tugging too hard, yet. I was thinking about... Fluttershy.” Fuck I hope this doesn’t result in a conversation. “Oh?” Rarity asks. I roll my eyes. I might as well show her a little emotion and try to pretend that I can express myself through words rather than just crying. It might throw off any ideas she has about me being anything other than a mare. “It’s... just,” I rub my hooves together, “When I first arrived here, I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I said somethings that I regretted... I think I should apologize to her and stuff.” Rarity looks like she doesn’t quite know what to say to that. “Perhaps you could draw her a portrait or an apology card.” “Along with a, ‘Thank you,’ card. Though I’m sure I don’t have to. She’s Fluttershy and most likely would tell me that I don’t have to worry about it, the gesture is nice-” Rarity is giving me that look again. The one that says, ‘you know way too much about me and my friends.’ “Are you going to start on my coat now?” Rarity nods and rolls her eyes. “Yes, of course.” Applejack might wonder why she ever thought I had interest in her brother. And then might worry about other things, like leavin me alone with Apple Bloom or Dib. Truthfully, I have no clue how she would react, but most likely she would give the honest answer of, ‘well that’s fetted up.’ She might actually take it better than the others. She seems more sympathetic due to the fact that the Nine are cruel beyond measure. And most regard this as, ‘icin’ on a mighty unjust cake.’ But. I’m still not going to tell her. After all, she’s already carrying one of my secrets. I don’t want or need her having to carry another. Suddenly I feel a strange tickling sensation on my back. Looking over, I see that Rarity is using a curry comb on my shoulders. “Is there something wrong, dear?” I kinda feel my eye twitch as the comb reaches my neck. For some reason, that area feels... sensitive. “Uhm, nope. Just took me by surprise that’s all,” I reply. “Honestly, you act like you’ve never been properly groomed before,” She says, tsking. “Low maintenance bodies, Rarity,” Try to keep your comments vague, H.B. “Oh?” She says with perked interest. “Very light fur,” I need to make this sound as vague as possible. And it’s kinda true. I turn and look at her. “And we’ll leave it at that.” She sighs. “Alright, if you insist.” Oh, do I ever insist, Rarity. I don’t need you going around poking around and picking my brain on these matters. The brush goes over my barrel area and forces a giggle out of me. “Hey! Watch it!” Rarity smiles a small grin. “Oh, so sorry,” she replies. Is she trying to be playful with me? Ugh. “Just mind the mark alright?” ============================================================== A low grumble came out of Heartbreak as she glared at the brushed and almost polished version of herself in the mirror. While most of the curls and tangles had been tamed, they still retained their wavy texture and curly bits at the end. Rarity smiled at her work. “Now, wouldn’t you agree that you look simply fabulous?” Heartbreak bit her lower lip and attempted to fight the amount of disapproval that this had generated. “S-s-sure Rarity... Now, put my hat back on my head.” Rarity sighed. “Well, if you insist on wearing that dusty old thing... far be it from me to try to get you to look nice once in awhile.” Heartbreak tapped her hoof on the counter waiting for Rarity to put the hat back on her head. “I look nice enough.” She frowned. “And you hardly know me enough to say that I would enjoy looking, ‘nice once in awhile’-” “It wouldn’t be that way if you just told me a little more about yourself,” Rarity interrupted. Heartbreak took a deep breath and started to mutter something to herself. “Ugh! Can we go back to that moment where I was drawing you? I think we were getting along better in that moment.” Rarity blinked in confusion. Had she said something that implied that they weren’t getting along? Then again, she could be detecting her attempts at needling out any crumbs of information she could find. “That must be it. After all, she has lived with Twilight for over a month! And Twilight is a pony that normally knows how to get information! Why compared to her, my attempts must have been rather transparent... I better switch to defensive.” Rarity batted her eyelashes. “My dear H.B.! Whatever do you mean? We were merely having some... chit chat, as it were.” Heartbreak rubbed her temple and her tail whipping to the side undoing some of the hard work that Rarity had put into taming it. “Right... whatever,” she finally replied eyeing her hat. “Spike is waiting for us outside. How long till the train leaves? Ten, fifteen minutes? And do you have our tickets?” Rarity nodded her head. “Of course I have our tickets darling. I agree with Twilight that when one is traveling, they must keep organized. And I am quite organized.” She levitated her saddlebags and placed them neatly on her back. The edge of the three tickets just sticking out from a small side pocket. “Well... I suppose we should get going.” “Are you forgetting something, Rarity?” H.B. questioned while pointing out her hat. Rarity sighed and her ears drooped. “Ffffine...” she floated the hat above Heartbreak’s head and delicately set atop the recently brushed mane. “Hmmm, maybe...” She readjusted the hat and crooked it more to the left. “No, perhaps...” The hat moved more to the right. “Well... Almost... Let’s try this...” She pushed the hat down some. “Rarity, we should really get going, we do have a train to catch,” Heartbreak said worriedly and more than a bit annoyed. “You still have those tickets right?” “Of course I do,” Rarity replied as she walked to the door. “I had them the last time you asked three minutes ago after all.” “Right, I don’t mean to sound like a... spazz here. it’s just, Pre-travel jitters? Along with the fact that the last time I was on a train I was taken to Canterlot against my will,” She muttered under her breath, “taken to the Princess against my will really, and I hope I am not sounding ungrateful these past two days, because I’m really not. Ungrateful that is. I am really grateful, I mean I didn’t expect anyp-p-pony to-” She looked around at the small line of ponies standing outside the train. “-do what you girls did that day. I mean her word is law after all and...” Spike stood near the door with six or seven travel cases stacked in his arms, two more cases on either arm and a tote bag that had several more suitcases strapped to it latched to his tail. “And what, Darling?” Rarity asked, getting in line. “And I see that you’re packing light for this trip?” Heartbreak asked sarcastically. “What?” Rarity looked over at Spike who waddled over to the sound of her voice. Heartbreak sighed and pointed to the slightly overloaded dragon. Rarity batted her eyelashes and smiled. “Oh, don’t worry, H.B. I thought to pack some essentials for you too!” “Such as? Cause really all I need to travel is my saddlebags and maybe a towel. Yeah, you should always bring a towel,” Heartbreak said tapping her chin in a slightly bemused manner. Rarity looked confused and walked forward. "A towel? Well, they are useful... but just a few necessities, like a comb, a brush, a few scarves, some lotion, shampoo, conditioner..." Heartbreak looked at the wobbly tower of things that Spike was carrying. “Are you alright? Do you want me to carry anything?” “Nope! I’m good! Oh! Whoa!” Spike grabbed some of the cases that were wobbling and restabilized them. “I have everything totally under control!” “Could you at least let me carry my stuff? Uhm, no offense to you, Spike, but I would rather carry my own things,” Heartbreak said worriedly stepping forward in line. “I got to use your bag as a counterbalance, H.B.!” Spike said keeping up with the line. “You can pick up your things at the baggage cart if you feel that they are that important, H.B.,” Rarity said, looking past some of the ponies in line. “Of course it’s that important to me, Rarity. Practically everything that’s important to me is in those two bags. My books, my pencil, art supplies, journal, my hopes, dreams, wishes...” She paused, ears drooping a bit. “And any dignity I had left before I let you go to town on my mane and tail.” Heartbreak attempted to readjust her mane only to find that it had more spring to it. “Did you use any gells or sprays when I wasn’t looking? Cause it’s feeling a bit stiff and I don’t like it stiff.” She sniffed and looked around before sniffing herself. “And my coat smells oddly like lavender... I thought I told you no going overboard!” “A touch of fragrance is hardly going overboard,” Rarity said rolling her eyes and pulling the tickets out in preparation to board the train. “It is for me! I’m perfectly ok with smelling sort of like mint! If anything at all that is,” Heartbreak retorted grinding her hoof on the ground. “Well, we can’t all have Equestria revolve around us, darling.” Rarity said flipping her mane and giving the conductor the tickets before stepping on the train. Heartbreak frowned and sighed. “Thanks for making me feel like a Mary Sue, Rarity,” She retorted following Rarity aboard the train. The Conductor blinked at the odd conversation going on and shook his head. After all, in his line of work, he had heard stranger. He waited for the green and purple dragon to scramble on the train before letting out a final call. “Alllll aboard!”