My Little Deadpool: Friendship is Deadpool

by LightTechnology


Chapter 5: Major Problems

[To answer your question, no it’s not easy being a subconscious. Especially since there are two of us with different personalities.]

“Sounds rough,” said Rainbow Dash.

{Ooh, ooh! Do YOU have subconscious voices in your head, too, Rainbow Dash?}

“Kind of...” Rainbow Dash frowned.

“Muy interesante!” Deadpool said. “Spill the beans, gurl!”

“I-I’d rather not.”

“Mmm,” Deadpool stopped in his tracks and glared intensely at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash sweatdropped. “It’s...personal?”

“Alrighty,” Deadpool dropped his demeanor and proceeded to continue walking.

“Phew.” Rainbow Dash wiped the sweat off of her brow. “So, uh, where exactly are we going anyway?”

Deadpool raised his index finger. “Not ‘where’ are we going. ‘When’ are we going.”

“What?” Rainbow Dash asked confusingly.

“Because we’re already here!” he said as he gestured towards their destination.

Rainbow Dash stopped in her tracks as she followed Deadpool’s gesture to the small village of Hoofington.

“Hoofington?” Rainbow Dash became a little bewildered. “How in Celestia’s name did we get here so-”

[Situational powers.}

“Right...right,” despite the explanation from Deadpool’s subconscious, her own subconscious started to set a few alarms. “So wait...if we’re here...”

“That’s right!” Deadpool said enthusiastically. “Remember when you said that Tricky tried to pass off a story saying she defeated an Ursa Major in this very town? Well that’s exactly what WE’RE going to do! Only this time, it won’t be a hoax!”

“You mean Trixie?” Rainbow Dash corrected.

“Silly pony, those are for kids!” Deadpool replied.

Rainbow Dash ignored that last statement and immediately went straight to the point. “Wait, Deadpool. You aren’t going to have an Ursa Major try to attack the village, are you?”

Deadpool looked at his wrist. “And cue Ursa Major in 3...2...” he pointed to behind Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash looked behind her and saw exactly what she was fearing: A very angry Ursa Major running straight towards the town.

“RAAAAAWRRRR!”

“Uh...I don’t know about this, Deadpool,” Rainbow Dash said worriedly. “This might be too much even for the both of us!”

“What?” Deadpool raised his brow. “Just a moment ago, you were raving on and on about having adventures and facing danger. Well it doesn’t get anymore dangerous than this!”

Deadpool jumped towards the rampaging ursa and landed on its head. The Ursa Major stopped in its tracks as it tried to pry Deadpool off of its head.

“I mean, look at the size of this thing! If I were to go in its mouth, I bet it could chomp me right in half! Hey, Dashy, bet you five bits it can do just that!”

“What?! No, Deadpool!” Rainbow Dash tried to stop Deadpool while avoiding the angry Ursa Major.

It was too late, however, as Deadpool positioned his lower body to go inside the mouth of the ursa. “Whoa, look at that! Y’know, your mouth could be like a cave for bears in my world to live in!”

{It’s like a bear...within a bear! BEARCEPTION!}

[NO! That’s not how that term works! It would still be called ‘inception’!]

Rainbow Dash tried her best to approach Deadpool without getting hit by the rampaging ursa. “Deadpool, you need to get out of there before-”

Suddenly, the Ursa Major chomped down and bit off Deadpool’s lower body.

“DEADPOOL!!!” Rainbow Dash screamed as she watched the whole scene in terror.

With a loud thud, Deadpool’s upper half fell onto the ground as well as his lower half. Rainbow Dash stayed in shocked silence, afraid to move; afraid to do anything. After some time had past, the Ursa Major proceeded to continue walking towards Hoofington, but Rainbow Dash didn’t care about that. She merely stared at the remains of what was her new friend.

She slowly approached Deadpool’s body. “D-Deadpool...?"

There was no response.

“Oh no...” tears started to form in Rainbow Dash’s eyes. “Deadpool, I’m so sorry! This is all my fault! If I wasn’t so caught up in living the dangerous life...I should’ve listened to my conscience! I should’ve listened to-”

“Rainbow!”

Rainbow Dash looked to see that both Twilight and Princess Celestia had arrived on the scene. Twilight noticed the remains of Deadpool on the ground.

“What happened?!” she practically screamed out.

Princess Celestia placed her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Twilight,” she said. “Tend to Rainbow Dash. I’ll take care of the ursa.” She then flew off to subdue the rampaging bear.

Twilight winced as she looked again at what used to be a live creature named Deadpool, who was now laying on the ground in two separate pieces. She then turned to Rainbow Dash and she noticed her frightened and confused expression.

“Rainbow...” Twilight started.

However, before she could continue, both Rainbow Dash and Twilight squealed in fright as they saw the upper half of Deadpool’s body move slightly.

“Uuuugh,” they heard the body murmur.

Both Rainbow Dash and Twilight screamed again.

“Hey hey HEY!” Deadpool yelled as he covered his ears. “What’s with all the screaming and the yelling and the loud noises!”

[We’re chopped in half; we don’t have a hangover]

“Who said that?” Twilight asked as she looked around for the source of the voice.

“D-DEADPOOL?!” Rainbow Dash asked bewilderedly. “B-But...you’re...”

She gestured to Deadpool’s current state.

“You just gestured to all of me...” Deadpool said.

{Well, technically only HALF of us.}

Deadpool raised an eyebrow. “The other guy said something like that, too. Is this something you two came up with to mess with me?”

“No, Deadpool,” Rainbow Dash caught his attention. “You’re literally chopped in half!”

Deadpool looked behind him and noticed that his lower body was completely gone and was actually a few feet away from him. “Huh. Would you look at that...”

Twilight started to become hysterical. “B-But, this is impossible! This defies all known concepts of survivability! Logically speaking, you should be dead right now!”

“Oh yeah, didn’t I mention?” Deadpool said casually.

“MENTION WHAT?!” Twilight yelled.

Deadpool scratched the back of his head. “I kinda also have the ability to regenerate my body and stuff.”

Rainbow Dash stood frozen in disbelief. “So...you can’t, like, die or anything?”

“Well I can’t die from losing any body parts, that’s for sure.”

{Even the most important one! *wink*}

[You’re sick, you know that?]

{What? I’m talking about the heart. <3}

Ignoring his subconscious, Deadpool continued. “That’s where the name ‘Regenerating Degenerate’ comes from.”

Rainbow Dash sighed in relief. She didn’t unintentionally kill anyone afterall.

“Seriously, where the heck are those voices coming from?!” Twilight asked.

“Oh, I made it so that you guys can hear my subconscious,” Deadpool said as he started to gather his lower body.

“Oh? How did you manage to do that?”

The three looked to see that the voice came from Princess Celestia. Behind her was the Ursa Major, tied up and unconscious.

“Whoa,” Rainbow Dash said in amazement.

Deadpool gasped. “It’s Princess Celestia!” He turned to Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “Guys, guys, look! It’s her! It’s Princess Celestia!”

Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow. “So I take it, this must be the strange creature that caused all this ruckus?”

Deadpool, having now reattached his lower body to himself, fidgeted nervously. “Well, I- you see, your highness...I was merely...that Ursa Major...”

“It’s my fault, Princess Celestia,” Rainbow Dash interrupted.

“Rainbow Dash?” Twlight asked confusedly.

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath before speaking. “Yes. I was the one who wanted to go on this big adventure. Deadpool only wanted to help, so he made the Ursa Major attack the village so we could fight it, and things kinda got outta hand and I...I’m so sorry!” She bowed her head in shame to Princess Celestia.

In response, the princess sighed and placed her hoof on top of Rainbow Dash’s head. “Please, don’t do something like this, again.”

Rainbow Dash looked up to see that the princess was smiling gently. “W-What?”

“I can’t imagine what would happen if I were to lose any of my subjects,” the princess continued. “You are forgiven, Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash became wide-eyed. “R-Really?” a smile started to form on her face. “Th-Thank you! I promise, I won’t be so reckless next time!”

Princess Celestia quietly chuckled while Twilight smiled in relief.

“Aww! This really is like an average episode!” Deadpool squealed in delight.

The princess suddenly turned towards him. “Now as for you,” she said in a slightly more stern tone.

“Don’t smite me, your Godliness!” Deadpool flinched.

“Relax,” Celestia said. “I’m not going to punish you for anything. I just need your cooperation.”

“Cooperation?” Deadpool repeated. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“I need you to answer a few questions for me, if you please. The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance if we’re not careful.”

Deadpool nodded his head.

“My faithful student, Twilight, has told me you possess these ‘certain powers’ that enable you to bend the very fabric of time and reality, am I correct?”

“Oh, my situational powers? Yeah, I have those.”

Celestia became very worried. “Well, if that is correct, then you possess a power similar to that of a most powerful being, and one of the most dangerous creatures in all of Equestria: Discord.”

Deadpool stared at Princess Celestia. “...Who’s that?”

[WHAT?! Aren’t we, like, big pony fans or some shit like that?!]

“I only watched up until episode 11! After that, I made the portal to go here! Wait...the show was still going on during all that? How much did I miss?!”

{Well according to the episode guide, we only watched 11 episodes out of an overall 65}

[And apparently, we’re still in the first season out of a total of three.]

“I MISSED THAT MUCH SINCE THEN?!” Deadpool started to become hysterical. “Time, went by so fast...wait. How long was I gone?! How much of my life has been wasted away from going into that portal!? WHO AM I?!?!?”

{OUR NAME IS SLADE WILSON AKA DEATHSTROKE}

“AND WHAT WAS MY FAVORITE TYPE OF FOOD?!”

{I THINK IT WAS ITALIAN- NO, IT WAS MESOPOTAMIAN!}

“No...that I can never forget...” Deadpool said silently. “Burritos...tacos...and (say it with me, folks) CHIMICHANGAS!

“Please focus, Mr. Deadpool!” Princess Celestia snapped him out of his little episode.

“Oh, right, my situational powers,” Deadpool became calm again. “If you want, I can demonstrate for you like I did with those two there.”

Princess Celestia looked to Twilight and Rainbow Dash, wondering if Deadpool demonstrating his powers was a good idea.

“It’s probably the only way you’ll ever believe him,” Twilight said in response.

“Very well,” Celestia said. “You have my permission to show us these ‘situational powers’ of yours.”

“Alrighty! Y’hear that, author man? Might as well make yourself scarce!”

Unfortunately this time, Deadpool found himself unable to successfully demonstrate his situational powers.

“Hah! Says you!” Deadpool said confidently. “He always says these sort of things...Now watch this!”

There was a long pause as the three ponies watched Deadpool do nothing. Deadpool as well noticed this and became slightly confused.

“Uh...heh. I would usually take over...right about now,” Deadpool looked to the sky. “C’mon author man! We’re on a tight schedule here! How else are you able to proceed along with the story?!”

Well, suffice to say, I was able to continue this story ever since the start of the last chapter.

“Whoa there...” Deadpool raised his hands defensively. “You’re getting kind of meta with your descriptions there. That’s kinda my job.”

No, your job is to obediently follow my orders as I am your master. I give the orders, and you follow them. Watch:

Deadpool punched himself in the face and proceeded to roll around in the dirt afterwards. “OW! Whoa, whoa WHOA! What’s going on?!”

Establishing my authority, Mr. Wilson.

“Deadpool, are you okay?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Who is he talking to?” Princess Celestia added.

Oh, how rude of me. How do you do, Princess Celestia? I must send my regards to Miss Sparkle and Miss Rainbow Dash as well.

Princess Celestia froze in fear. “Wait...that voice...”

Deadpool picked himself off the ground. “Now that you mention it...it does sound kind of different than from what I remembered.”

“Deadpool,” Twilight said in a bit of shock herself. “You don’t understand...that voice...it belongs to-”

Twilight shut her lip before she could continue.

“MMMPH?!” she stuggled to let out.

Now now, Twilight, I believe it’s more appropriate if you let the man himself give the introductions...or rather, the Draconequus.