The whites of James's eyes boiled a bright hue of red as he attempted to play Metroid: other M on his Nintendo Wii. He could feel the shitty game assaulting him with it's putrid fucking shittyness as he attempted to make sense of its constant plot holes, irrelevant characters, contradictions to the other games in the franchise, and overall horrible controls.
"Why couldn't they have just made this shit more like the Prime series!" he demanded, his fury growing to the point of being inconsolable. "Or better yet, Super Metroid! You start the game, you lose your shit, you spend the majority of the game getting all your equipment back as you fight through hordes of aliens and space pirates. That's all this game had to fucking be! You didn't need some asshole telling you how high you're allowed to jump, and when you're allowed to take a fucking shit! Samus has always been a badass, but this game has made her out to be a sniveling little crybaby! What a shit load of fuck!"
The surface of James's glasses turned opaque with fog as a pulsing vein protruded from his forehead, his grip on the Wiimote becoming so tight that his knuckles turned white. "And what the fuck is up with these goddamn controls!" he roared. "If you're going to make a goddamn three dimensional action game, make it so I can utilize the mother fucking, goddamn, sons of bitching control stick so I can move in more than just eight fucking directions!"
He was barely ten minutes into the game when he found a way to make it a bit more interesting: Take a shot of vodka every time the game pissed him off...
Within thirty seconds he was down for the count. He got up from his couch, threw the Wiimote out the window, stumbled around for a bit, then he realized that he needed to vomit. He aimed his torrent of projectile stomach contents toward the Wii to let that shitty game feel the full force of his fury, but in his inebriated state, he tripped and misfired, covering his poor cat in the foul-smelling, half-digested combination of beer, vodka, and anything else his diet may have consisted of that day. The last thing he saw before he passed out was his vomit covered cat retreating from the room in disgust as he slurred one final curse.
"Thish game is assbutter!"
James opened his eyes, and was assaulted by the new environment in which he now found himself. The dim and dreary surroundings of his game room was replaced by a strange world full of fluorescent and flamboyant colors that only served to exacerbate his pounding headache.
"He's waking up!" came a female voice.
James, hungover, and still feeling woozy from the copious amounts of liquor he had consumed, was unable to process coherent thought. His only response to the voice was, "huh... whu?"
The voices seemed to carry on with their conversation as the drunken nerd lay there. Wherever 'there' was.
"He definitely seems to be a intoxicated," another voice commented.
"I know a hyper dialysis spell that could detoxify him."
James squinted his eyes in the direction of the lavender blur that had just spoken. "Did you just say 'a spell?'"
The purple blur turned its head, seemingly to look at him, but he couldn't be sure.
"Yes," she said matter-of-factly. "A spell."
"Oh, god!" He slurred. "Was I kidnapped by a group of rogue D&D nerds?"
The purple blob closed the distance between them. The closer she got, the more the drunken nerd could make of her. His eyes and mouth gaped wider and wider as she drew closer. "What. The. Actual. Fuck?"
He blanched with disbelief as what revealed herself to be a purple winged unicorn placed her hoof gently on his chest. "Try to relax, Mr Nerd. This will be easier for both of us if you don't struggle," The lavender mare soothed in a calming voice as an orb of pearlescent light flickered at the tip of her horn.
"I need an adult?" James slurred, his mouth and eyes gaping in disbelief.
"I am an adult," she responded before blasting him with a beam of healing light.
The human felt his headache lessen in severity, his vision cleared, and he could feel his acuity returning to him. When the light around him finally dimmed, he found himself standing before eight colorful mares. He looked around the strangely decorated room, or, was it some sort of hall? It was massive, whatever it was. The walls were stone and covered in banners. Colorful beams of sunlight filtered through a stain glass window high overhead, and there appeared to be what looked like a throne sitting atop a dais at the far center wall. The vibrant colors that surrounded him made it almost seem as if he was in a completely different dimension. "This is some crazy, fucked up Roger Rabbit shit!" he exclaimed as he looked around with a scowl that twisted his mouth in the perfect shape of an upside down U. "Where the fuck am I, and where the fuck do I go to get the fuck out of here?"
The tallest mare among the group, a white alicorn who's mane flowed like an iridescent fabric of glittering light stepped forth and inclined her head graciously toward the irate human. "You are the first human to traverse the fabric of space time into our realm," she declared with a mellifluous trill in her tone. "I am princess Celestia."
"No shit!" James roared. "I know a fucking princess when I see one. I have a lot of experience rescuing them, and getting nothing in return for my efforts!"
"Hey!" A cerulean mare with a rainbow mane took flight so that her face would be only an inch away from the human's9. "Nopony talks to the princess like that!"
"Oh, yeah?" said the nerd. "Well, I'm not a fucking pony, in case you haven't noticed. So go fuck yourself!"
"No, you go fuck yourself!" The blue mare quipped.
"Oh, good comeback!" mocked the nerd. "Why don't you go fuck off? Why don't you go run backwards as fast as you can through a field of dicks, and fuck off while you're doing it!"
"I've never seen anything like it," Twilight Sparkle said to the princess. "His rage is contagious. It could very well consume all of Equestria if left unchecked."
"So it could," Celestia replied.
James stood there, his palm flat against his chest as he took deep breaths. "I'm sorry, okay? I just... I just got done playing one of the shittiest games of all time, and now, I get sucked into this strange cartoon world that takes me back to all the time I wasted as a child playing who the fuck framed Roger Rabbit, and I just snapped."
"I understand," Celestia said with a warm smile. "And it is those, how do you say, 'shitty games', that seem to be the source of all this hate and anger you feel, is that correct?"
James nodded suspiciously, not liking where the conversation was going.
"Well, that is the reason we brought you here - to our home - to Equestria."
The nerd looked at her with a perplexed expression about him. "Don't tell me you brought me all the way here just so I could play your shitty games, too!" he said, his panic causing his gorge to rise.
"No, of course not," Celestia replied with an amiable giggle.
James let out a sigh of relief.
"We brought you here to play your shitty games for us, so that we may help you to conquer your rage once and for all."
"That doesn't even make sense!" James complained.
"Like facing your fears in order to overcome them, we took you from your world so that we may help you to face your anger," Princess Celestia said in a reassuring tone.
"Can't you just have me beheaded, or something?" The nerd pleaded.
"Look at them, human" The regal alicorn gestured toward the the six mares that were now surrounding him. "These mares that encompass you are very special, for they are the elements of harmony. I believe, Mr Nerd, if that is what you would have me call you, that by demonstrating these shitty games to them, they can guide you through your rage, and lead you to the path that leads to your own personal harmony. I am hoping that they will all learn something from you, as well."
The nerd looked at Princess Celestia, smiling as a sudden sense of purpose welled within him. He looked toward the six mares she was referring to. He nodded slowly in their direction with a maniacal smirk stretching across his face. It was a creepy smile, to say the least. A terrifying smile. It was a great, grinchy, rape face of a nightmare fuel smile. "You guys want me to teach you something?" he said, leering.
The mares cheered excitedly in unison, completely oblivious to the ungodly torments the Angry Video Game Nerd could subject them to.
"Which one of you will be the first to delve deep within the depths of the horrible cunt fuckery my realm has conceived?"
The six gathered around for a moment, whispering to each other inaudibly. "Well?" The Nerd said impatiently.
The six mares separated and formed a line in front of him. The lavender mare spoke to him again. "We have decided that we will let you pick." She said while looking back at her friends. They all nodded at her to convey their consent to the plan.
"What are the elements of harmony, and which ones do you represent?" The nerd demanded "This is how I will decide which one of you I'll Tortu— I meant teach," James asked them, stumbling over his words.
Twilight sparkle had them all introduce themselves and explain to him what their elements were, how they came across their titles, and what they represented.
James stroked his chin, nodding thoughtfully.
"Right, then." He jabbed his finger in the direction of the yellow mare with the pink mane. "You represent the element of kindness, is that right?"
Fluttershy backed away, ducking her head. "Oh, my." She trembled. "Y-yes... Th-that's right..."
"I have a thing or two to teach you about kindness. Bring your butterfly tattooed ass over here!"
Fluttershy looked to Twilight sparkle, dismayed. "W-why do I have to go first?"
"Because," Twilight responded. "He picked you first. It's probably better this way. you can go first and get it over with."
"B-but why can't Pinkie Pie go first?" Fluttershy pleaded "She's the element of laughter. Isn't that, like, the opposite of rage?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie agreed. "I'll go first!" She hopped up and down energetically as the prospect of making the angriest sentient being in the universe smile and laugh excited her; she was ready for the challenge, and aching for the opportunity, but, sadly, they agreed that the nerd would be the one to pick the order, and the nerd had picked Fluttershy first.
Fluttershy took a deep breath and collected herself. "No, Pinkie Pie, I will go."
"Ahh!" Pinkie Pie whined and scraped the ground with a hoof.
"Don't worry!" said the nerd. "There will be plenty of shittyness to go around for all of you, that I can guarantee!"
Upon hearing this, the Pink mares' lips stretched into a jubilant smile.
James cringed, his fists balled up tightly to his chest in the way a vampire would do with a cross. "So..happy!" he hissed under his breath, feeling as if he was about to burst into flames. That was when he decided to make a mental note. That pink one is going to be trouble.
"Well, then, Mr Ner?" James felt a tug on his pant leg. He looked down and saw Fluttershy looking up at him with a determined expression. "Let's go play some shitty games!" Trying her best to be brave, she returned a confident smile to her friends. "I am not afraid!"
"Oh!" James said, his voice deep with an exaggerated throaty rasp. "You will be... You will be!"