Yet Another Human in Equestria Story
By: Bardic Knowledge
Chapter 6: July 10, Boast Busters
It was just over a week since I had sent along my finished manuscript for “Brightly Burning,” though the title was now “Mercedes Lackey's Brightly Burning” with the author's position marked with the words “Adapted for pony audiences by Joe McCord.” I asked Twilight if she wanted to be included in there, but she ultimately decided against it. She was still in my “dedicated to” addition to the book. I should be receiving word on how well it did in its first sales any day now.
I had been living comfortably in the empty version of my house, the normal clutter of my room practically non-existent at this point. I had put myself in the same room I had had when I was back home, mainly because the master bedroom was still “mom and dad's room,” and, depending on how long it took me to get back, I didn't want to get too comfortable with going in there. That would be awkward.
Other than my friends, barely anypony came to see me out here, but I was alright with that at the moment. Eventually, I'd get bored with being alone and head out into town, where I'd wind up browsing the marketplace and visiting the library. I had learned a great deal about Equestria from those trips alone. One thing I didn't find that got Twilight and I red-faced when I finally asked her was the, ah, “sensitivity” of unicorn horns.
She told me that, “Though some unicorns can shoot off sparks when excitement makes them lose control of their magic,” (she was really blushing here), “unicorns originally evolved as chargers, using their horns as weapons to fight off whatever was attacking them, since they hadn't had magic yet. If a unicorn's horn was... sensitive... like that, fights in those days would have had an entirely different context.”
I figured I'd let the subject die there. Someday, I might get around to asking Rainbow Dash about wings in the same context (Fluttershy would probably faint at the question), but not anytime soon.
I had just finished eating breakfast/lunch (chicken stir-fry with trial-and-error) and gotten bored with loneliness again, so I headed off into town. I hadn't gone too far when I heard a series popping sounds and saw some flashes of light from the town square.
I normally didn't give Trixie much thought, but one night at work, during a week I had been re-watching the series for some inspiration on a series of Magic: the Gathering cards I was working on, I suddenly realized that she had been treated unfairly. She made her boasts, but when Snips and Snails brought an Ursa into town, she was the one blamed and thrown out! And then, for who knows how long, she's ridiculed and ostracized!
That was seriously not right, so I figured I'd do something about it. Somehow. Probably look indignant and shout a bit about fairness.
Regardless, I decided to head for Trixie's wagon/stage... stage wagon? No, no, what I'm thinking of is called a “stage coach.” I've gotten off track again. When I arrived, she had just started her spiel on beating the false Ursa Major. Fluttershy was next to me at the edge of the crowd.
Huh. It certainly got dark. Wonder how she managed that. A few fireworks shot off before the lights seemed to coalesce into the shape of a bear with a starburst on its forehead.
“When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington had no one to turn to. But the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in! And with her awesome magic vanquished the Ursa Major and sent it back to its cave deep in the Everfree Forest!!”
“Suh-weet!” cheered Snips and Snails.
“That settles it!” Snips nodded.
“Trixie truly is the most talented, most magical, and most awesome unicorn in Ponyville!” Snails finished.
“No!” Snips shouted. “In all of Equestria!”
“How do you know?!” retorted Spike. “You didn't see it! And besides, Twil-” Twilight quickly zippered his mouth shut with a magic zipper.
Trixie laughed, “It's true, my enthusiastic little admirers! Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville!” After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. “Don't believe the Great and Powerful Trixie? Well then, I hereby challenge you, Ponyvillians -- anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Anyone? Hmm? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who has ever lived!? “
I glanced over Twilight and Spike's way as Trixie scanned the crowd, seeing them argue in whispers.
“How about you!” Trixie declared at last, pointing at Applejack. Twilight stepped back a bit as she stuttered a reply. “Well, little hayseed?”
Applejack rose to the occasion, and did a few rope tricks, which Trixie countered by magically tying her up with her own rope. As the crowd laughed a bit, Rainbow Dash challenged Trixie next.
“She's not actually doing things better than them at all,” I muttered, as Rainbow Dash was wrapped up in a rainbow. “I mean, if she was, she'd have actually done rope tricks or weather stuff.”
“But why is she being so mean in the first place?” asked Fluttershy.
“It's actually a style of comedy, called 'insult comedy.' It's usually done by making fun of audience members who stand out. She just takes it a few steps further.”
Rarity took the stage and showed off her fashion magic, which Trixie ruined with a single colour-change spell. As Rarity ran off, I smirked and stepped forward, climbing up onto the stage beside Trixie. She seemed wary at first, but her stage magician persona quickly overruled her apprehension.
“Can you do this?” I asked, and did that thing where you have your two middle fingers wiggling on either side of your connected hands, so that it looks like they're bending backwards or something, though I had to turn over my class ring to do it, or my hands wouldn't mesh properly. Unfortunately, her response was... not good. Her magical aura wrapped around my hands (odd feeling, that) and attempted to twist them into knots, like you see happen to a cartoon character.
I am NOT a cartoon character.
*CRUNCH* “AAAAAGH! MY HANDS!” I screamed, trying to untangle them from the crunchy mess they were in without causing me more pain than I was already experiencing. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”
Trixie stared wide-eyed at me and whispered in a horrified voice, “I thought they were an illusion. I...” I was then lead away by Twilight and Fluttershy, one fretting over my shattered hands, and the other glad for an excuse to get away. I'm sure you can guess which was which.
Twilight and Fluttershy led me to the hospital, which I had visited once before for a check-up of sorts. Twilight used her magic to numb my hands slightly, so that the likely excruciating pain didn't cause me to black out on the way, while Fluttershy was deftly using one of her wings to separate the mess, having had the practice on various animals who had broken limbs.
As soon as we got there, Nurse Redheart rushed me to a room, where I was met by Doctor Day, whom I had met on my previous visit. He was one of the rare non-Earth Pony members of the Apple Clan, and was actually Caramel Apple's older brother. He had chosen the name “Apple-a-Day” ironically at his cute-ceañera, having discovered a talent for medical practices.
He thanked Fluttershy and Twilight for their foresight and quickly put my fingers in multiple splints, followed by a series of bandages designed to keep my fingers still while they healed. He still wanted me to stick around for observation, and even took a magical x-ray of my hand, as many hospitals likely would, and I found myself at an impasse of sorts when the book cart stopped by.
I couldn't use my hands.
It wasn't that they were wrapped in bandages, I've done things without using my fingers for the challenge before, but whenever I tried to “grab” the book or turn a page, pain shot through my hands. It wasn't mind-numbing pain, but it was quite the distraction and I couldn't focus on reading.
Fortunately, I had a ready-made distraction in the form of Pinkie throwing me a get-well soon pseudo-party. The only reason it wasn't a full party was because the hospital had already made rules about Pinkie's parties.
A few minutes after she showed up, a thought struck me, “Hey, Pinkie. You said you'd do anything for your friends, and, well, there's gotta be a story about that.” Pinkie paused, and I saw her droop slightly. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I was just curious.”
“That's okay. I'll tell you later,” She said, then she instantly cheered up again. “So let's keep you cheered up! Laughter is the best medicine!”
“Oh, if only I could show you Patch Adams. It's a great movie based on that very phrase. Heck you'd probably love most of Robin Williams' movies. I've heard that a few scripts for stuff he's worked on have lines that just say 'Robin goes off here.'”
“Goes off?”
“For instance, he purportedly recorded ten hours of jokes as Genie in Aladdin.”
“Purportedly?”
“Er, it means something like 'rumored to have.' Oh, and there's the Marx Brothers...” And we spoke of movies and entertainment for the next hour, after which visitor hours were over. Though Rainbow Dash had needed an overnight stay for her wing in Read 'Em and Weep, I was only there for another few hours. Apparently, despite the graphic nature of my injuries and the pain I'd've felt without the numbing spell (or whatever it was called), the breaks in my bones were clean and they just needed to be kept in their splints to heal properly. Doctor Day told me to return for a check-up each day for the next week, and he'd also renew the bandages and the spell on them.
I discovered a new problem when I got back to my house: doorknobs. Faced with the issue, I promptly turned around and headed back to Ponyville. The sun was setting just then, and I had a feeling that there was soon going to be an Ursa Minor stomping up the street.
As I walked, I waved to the market ponies just closing up shop, which caused a bizarre tingling sensation in my bandaged hand. It feels strange, nice, but strange, that these ponies could accept me, a complete alien, after such a short time. There were a few things that helped, I know, like Pinkie introducing me to everypony when I first got here, and Princess Celestia making me a Royal Liaison.
As I neared town square, I glanced out at the Everfree Forest and noticed birds wheeling in the sky overhead and trees shaking. I was right, it was happening soon. The sun about finished setting just as I saw a pair of dots, orange and cyan, come racing out of the woods. And then I saw the bear.
From this distance, in which a pony was little more than a dot, I could see the entirety of the bear's face. As it got closer, I remembered: Trixie (and therefore most ponies) were about as big as one of this bear's toes.
I'm not much taller than a pony.
As I came to this realization, the Ursa managed to cover the distance in about six steps, and I heard a piercing shriek cut through the night air.
I raced to the town's edge, where Trixie had set up camp for the night, just in time to see a light blue blur run past, followed by Snips and Snails at a somewhat slower pace. I turned and sped after them as best I could.
Trixie soon found herself, alongside myself and the two town idiots, backed up against a dead end made of some houses as the Ursa approached. I glanced around in a minor (heh) panic, looking for an out for all of us, or some way to distract the thing. It was about twelve feet away or so, but I could smell something bizarre when it roared at us.
“Great and Powerful Trixie, you've got to vanquish the Ursa,” said Snips, sounding only a little scared.
“Yeah,” cheered Snails, “vanquish so we can watch.”
“It took a lot of trouble to get that thing here.” Snips nodded sagely.
“Wait, you brought this here?” Trixie gasped. “Are you out of your little pony minds?”
“You little idiots!” I yelled. “Did it not occur to you that this thing could eat you, BOTH of you, in one bite?!”
Snips blinked, “But, she's the Great and Powerful Trixie.” He said this as if that explained everything. I suppose, to him, it did.
Snails nodded, turning to Trixie, “Yeah, remember? You defeated an Ursa Major.” As if in response to this, the star-speckled bear roared. It was now directly in front of us and I could see down its throat. It wasn't just the wind of that roar that dropped me to the ground.
Trixie stood her ground, attempting to swallow her fear, “Uh, okay. Stand back.” As her horn glowed a pale pink, a rope snaked its way out of a nearby jar (with actual snake charmer accompaniment) and promptly tied itself securely around two toes on the Ursa's front paw.
“Heh. Piece of cake.” Trixie smiled hopefully. I twitched as the Ursa snapped the rope like... something very snappable.
“Aw, come on, Trixie,” complained Snips.
“Stop goofin' around and vanquish it, eh?” agreed a suddenly yooper Snails. (For those who don't know, “yoopers” are people from the upper peninsula, or U.P., of Michigan).
With another swallow, Trixie summoned a storm cloud, that wasn't bad considering the air didn't seem to get any drier to form it. The flash of lightning didn't seem to do anything, though.
“Well, that was a dud.”
“Yeah,” agreed Snips, “come on! Where's all the cool explosions and smoke and stuff like earlier? You know. “
“Stop antagonizing the giant bear!” I pleaded. My cries went unheeded as Trixie's cloud proceeded to zap the bear in it's posterior.
“Uh-oh,” Trixie whimpered. The Ursa roared in response and with a scream, the ponies took off, zipping directly underneath it. My estimation of its size was off, because they were only barely short enough to make it under. A moment later, I rolled to my feet, wincing slightly as my hands touched the ground, and with a chorus of repeated under-my-breath cursing (“Shit, shit, shit shit shitshitshitshit!”) I booked it the best I could around the bear.
As I attempted to dash by, it roared and took a swipe that I barely managed to dodge. Thank you, Tae Kwon Do! I was only a green belt, but woo! In rage, apparently at missing, the gargantuan baby bit into the roof of a nearby house. I caught up with them just as Twilight did.
“What's going on?” she asked.
“We brought an Ursa to town,” declared Snips, proudly.
“You what?!”
“Yell at them later, you need to get rid of that thing!” I shouted.
“Don't worry,” Snails offered, “the Great and Powerful Trixie will vanquish it.”
Trixie hung her head and finally admitted, “I can't.”
“What?!”
“Oh, I can't, I never have. No one can vanquish an Ursa Major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better.”
“Made it up!?”
“Obviously! She's a person!” I shouted. “People do stupid things to appeal to other people!” With a couple loud thuds, the growling of the Ursa intensified, and I turned just as it rose onto its hind legs, the moon shining through its head. For reasons I'll likely never realize, I shouted, “Where's its brain?!” as I backed away as best I could.
Everyone gasped as the Ursa roared again, its, again, bizarre-smelling breath flowing over the crowd, before it lowered itself back to all fours and stomped towards us. Twilight stepped forward past me and grunted softly as her horn began to glow. With an chill down my spine, the wind picked up and music began to float through the air. As it filled the air, the bear began to smile dreamily and sway forth-and-back.
“Nice use of number sixteen,” muttered Spike behind me. The glowing of Twilight's horn intensified several magnitudes, as the water tower just outside town began glowing the same magenta shade. It lifted into the air and... unscrewed? Didn't know water towers could do that.
All the water was poured out of the tower and it began floating its way into the Cattle-Kind Dormitory Barn (which, despite its name, was cows-only, no bulls allowed). As it went through the building, there were several panicked moos and one “Golly, dont'cha know?” before it came out the other side.
“That's new,” said Spike. As Twilight screwed what was now a milk tower back together (how did it get that full? Were there that many cows in that dorm?), the Ursa Minor nearly toppled over onto Trixie and I, but it was caught just before that could happen.
Now Twilight's horn wasn't just glowing, it was practically a magic bonfire, complete with sparks. The force and concentration she was putting into her spells made even more evident by her hooves digging into the dirt road. The bear was lifted into a cradling position before it was give the new milk-tower-baby-bottle and it gently floated down the road and back into the forest.
After a few tense minutes of glowing, Twilight finally relaxed, panting.
The crowd that had accumulated started cheering, Dash's and Spike's sticking out more than the others'.
“Heavens to Betsy!” Applejack cheered. “We knew you had ability, but not that much!”
Twilight shrank back from her friends, “I'm sorry. Please, please don't hate me.”
“Hate you?” They chorused.
“Why, whatever do you mean, darling?” Rarity continued.
“Well, I know how much you all hated Trixie's showing off with her magic tricks, and I just thought-”
Dash interrupted, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Magic's got nothing to do with it. Trixie's just a loudmouth.”
“Most unpleasant.” “All hat and no cattle.” Rarity and Applejack agreed. Huh. Don't recall hearing that turn of phrase before.
“So, you don't mind my magic tricks?” Twilight tried tentatively (ooh, alliteration!).
Applejack nodded, “Your magic is a part of who you are, sugarcube, and we like who you are. We're proud to have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend.”
“And after whuppin' that Ursa's hind quarters, we're even prouder,” Dash agreed.
“You are?”
Everypony made noises of agreement.
“Wow, Twilight,” said Spike, “how'd you know what to do with that Ursa Major?”
“That's what I was doing when you came looking for me,” Twilight explained. “I was so intrigued by Trixie's bragging that I was compelled to do a little reading up on them.”
“So it is possible to vanquish an Ursa Major all by yourself?”
“That wasn't an Ursa Major, it was a baby, an Ursa Minor.”
Trixie's jaw fell open. “That was just a baby?”
“And it wasn't rampaging, it was just cranky because someone woke it up.” She glared at the town idiots.
“Awww...” Snips and Snails chorused.
Spike looked confused. “Well, if that was an Ursa Minor, then what's an Ursa Major like?”
“Picture something five times as big as that, with purple fur and claws and fangs bigger than me,” I said flatly.
“Whoa.”
“Huh,” Trixie scoffed. “You may have vanquished an Ursa Minor, but you will never have the amazing, show-stopping ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie reared up and stomped the ground, releasing a bit of magic to create a smokescreen, before turning to run away.
“Whoa, hold it!” I shouted, standing in front of Trixie. My arms were held wide in an attempt to keep her from running. She flinched at the bandages on my hands. “So these two kids bring an Ursa Minor into town, which smashes up your only home and the first thing you think to do after being saved is run away?!” Trixie did a slight double-take, but I kept going. “You just lost everything!”
“Trixie will be fine!” she protested, trying to get around my outstretched arms. I just leaned to whatever side she made for. “She's.. just going to start over! It's nothing for a star like herself!”
“Oh? And what would you do if the ponies of other towns decided they didn't care about your tricks, just because your story fell through?” I had forgotten that she was going to run away herself, I thought she was going to be run out of town. I had been in the hospital all afternoon and I had forgotten to prepare for this! I still needed to figure out a compelling argument without revealing too much to her of Magic Duel! “How are you going to start over then?”
Snips and Snails stepped forward then, saving me from having to come up with more.
“We're sorry, oh Great and Powerful Trixie,” they said in unison, heads bowed.
“Yeah, we didn't mean to ruin anything,” Snips continued.
“We just wanted to see some awesome magic!” Snails finished, smiling vapidly at her. Snips jabbed him in a foreleg with an elbow-knee, making him duck his head again. Trixie looked between them in confusion.
“I supposed I might have some fault in this, too,” Spike admitted, kicking at the ground.
“Spike?!” gasped Twilight.
“I told Snips and Snails that they shouldn't believe Trixie about fighting an Ursa if they didn't see her do it. I had no idea they'd do this!”
“The three of you will need to help Trixie clean up her things, then,” I said. “Hopefully, there's some salvageable stuff in there.”
I glanced over as I felt a tug on my shirt, Trixie's magic glowing on the hem. “Why are you so concerned for Trixie? Especially after what Trixie did to your hands?”
“Because it's the right thing to do. The universe itself may not be a fair place, but that doesn't mean we can't be fair. I've only temporarily lost use of my hands, you lost what was essentially your house. That means you deserve more sympathy than I do. Besides, Doctor Day says they should be fine within a week, as long as I keep going back for check-ups. Magic is a glorious thing.”
Trixie blinked “Trixie thinks that she will stay with you. At least until she is done here in Ponyville. She will be your hands to make up for breaking them.”
I blinked. “I suppose you can, if you want. Just don't be surprised if you find yourself never being 'done here in Ponyville.' In any case, can you stop it with the third person talk? It won't help you make friends, you know.”
Trixie scoffed, “What need does Trixie have of friends?”
“Everyone needs at least one friend. I was quite the loner back home, always with my nose in a book, but I still had friends I couldn't do without. Heck, if I hadn't made friends with Twi and the others, I might've gone mad here. Well, madder. There's even a song where I come from, though I can't recall the words right now, called 'No Man is an Island.'” Shadows. You never really do know what you've got 'til it's gone, hm?
I turned toward home, singing the Friendship is Magic end theme as I walked, Trixie following not far behind, looking pensive.