Twilight Sparkle nervously approached the Throne Room doors. She had had a lovely lunch with her parents where they had caught up on a number of things, sometimes it was good just to speak with them. Also, it was a good distraction at the time for what she was about to do now and that realization came back in force. On the other side of the door was her loving teacher, mentor, princess, and friend….and possible jailer if she didn’t play her cards right. She gulped in fear at that possibility, after all she was going to confront…ASK her about a small blurb in a history book that talked about torture and violence that she supposedly authorized. To make matters worse, she was dropping by unannounced without forewarning, and she didn’t know how Celestia would interpret that. Twilight hoped she didn’t consider it an interrogation. She placed her hoof on the door and paused as all the thoughts of her possible banishment and imprisonment sprang forth. She pushed these down as best she could, her want of knowledge overriding her fears. She took a deep breath and opened the door. Princess Celestia sat on her throne in all her glory looking over a scroll as Twilight walked in. She looked up at her student and smiled.
“Hello my most faithful student, it’s a surprise seeing you here,” she said happily.
“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, I’ll leave and let you get back to what you’re doing,” Twilight hurriedly stammered as her resolve fell and she turned to leave. She was stopped by a giggling Celestia.
“Twilight, Twilight, don’t go, I didn’t mean that your surprise was a bad thing, it’s just good to see you is all, please come here and take a seat” she said.
Twilight turned around and laughed nervously.
“Heh heh, oh no it’s ok, you’re clearly busy with….that scroll, and I should have told you I was coming, and now I gotta go and…”
“Twilight Sparkle, even if I was busy at the moment, which I’m not, I always have time for your company,” Celestia said with a reassuring smile.
Twilight sighed, that smile could always ease her worries, if only a little. She walked past the elite guards towards her teacher, some of which she recognized and said hello. Usually stoic, the greeted guards smiled and nodded towards her, it was Twilight after all, not some stuck up noble. Once she reached the throne Celestia gave her a hug which she returned. She then sat down before her ruler and tried to think of how she was going to phrase the question on her mind. Before she could, Celestia spoke up.
“So my faithful student, what has made you so stressed this day?”
“What? I’m not stressed, I’m fine, why would you think I was stressed heh heh?” Twilight stammered betraying her words. Celestia just smiled.
“Twilight, I’ve known you since you were a little filly, I can tell,” she replied simply. “Not to mention your right eye is twitching sporadically,” she added with a giggle.
Twilight laughed nervously with her teacher and willed her eye to stop its jumping.
“Now Twilight, are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or do I have to play the guessing game?” she asked in amusement.
“Well nothing is actually wrong Princess, it’s just that I had a question for you concerning the past,” Twilight responded still a bit shakily.
Celestia raised her eyebrows a bit taken aback, what event in the past would make her student this nervous she thought to herself.
“Well I can honestly say Twilight that I will answer to the best of my abilities,” she smiled again, “so which event are you referring to?”
Twilight sighed, there was no going back now. She lifted her history book from her saddlebags and flipped to the page that had caused her so much turmoil this day. Celestia looked at the cover of the book which read The History of Equestria By: Clover the Clever, and a look of realization came over her face. Twilight was too busy looking at the page to notice the change on her teacher’s face.
“It says here that in the early 16th century…” Twilight began but was interrupted by the monarch.
“Let me guess, this is about the Spanish Inquisition?” Celestia stated.
Twilight gasped in shock and dropped the book, she wasn’t expecting that. Fear overtook her as she stared at her leader.
“How did she know?” her mind screamed. “Oh this is bad, so very very bad!”
“Princess Celestia, I’m sorry I offended you, please have mercy!” she shouted as she threw herself at the ruler’s feet and began crying, much to the surprise of Celestia and the guards.
“Twilight, Twilight please calm down,” the sun goddess tried to console the hysterical Unicorn.
“Please don’t turn me to stone then banish me to a dungeon on the moon,” she cried.
“Twilight Sparkle!” Celestia said a bit loudly to snap her out of it. The crying stopped and the princess took the moment to grab Twilight’s face gently and have her look into her eyes.
“Why would you ever think I would do something like that to you?” she asked with caring and a bit of hurt.
“I…I…” Twilight stammered as she realized that she overreacted big time. “I’m so sorry Princess,” she said as she hugged her friend.
“It’s alright Twilight, I forgive you,” she said breaking the hug, “now will you explain why you thought I would banish you?”
Twilight looked down at the book. “It’s just that the book says you created the Spanish Inquisition after Nightmare Moon was banished and that they had a reign of violence, terror, and…torture. I thought that if I brought it to your attention you’d be mad since I’ve never seen this Inquisition mentioned in any other book,” the unicorn admitted. Celestia then did something that Twilight didn’t expect at all, she began laughing, not giggling, but full on laughter. Twilight was taken aback and shocked.
“Oh Twilight, Twilight, Twilight…” she said after her fit, “That’s why you’re so upset! Over a silly little joke?” she said and began laughing some more.
Twilight was confused, how could this be considered a joke? This was written by Clover the Clever, a founder of Equestria and distant ancestor of Twilight herself.
“ A joke? How?..Wait…What?”
Princess Celestia stifled her laughter. “Walk with me Twilight.” She then walked towards the door behind her throne where the confused unicorn obeyed and followed, still not sure what to make of the situation. As they walked down the corridor with Celestia still giggling off and on, Twilight wondered where they were going. Her question was answered as they reached the door containing the Elements of Harmony.
“What are we doing here?” she asked her teacher. Celestia didn’t reply, instead she stuck her horn into the locking mechanism and opened the door. Using her magic, she then opened the chest containing the most powerful weapons in all of Equestria. Twilight saw her own Tiara representing magic, but instead of pulling it out, Celestia instead pulled out the necklace with a balloon on it.
“Twilight Sparkle, you know what this element represents correct?” asked the princess.
“Of course, that’s the element of laughter, Pinkie Pie’s necklace,” she answered, still not sure what this had to do with anything. Celestia smiled.
“Yes, and before it was hers, it belonged to me,” she looked at the necklace in nostalgia.
Twilight was still confused at what this had to do with anything, but still that piece of information intrigued her.
“You held the element of laughter?”
“Mmhmm, along with Magic and Kindness. I always enjoyed a good joke, whether it was on me or someone else. As long as it didn’t hurt anypony I was all for it,” she explained with her eyes focusing on nothing as she relived the past.
“When Luna became corrupted and was banished, I fell into a deep depression Twilight,” she continued with sadness in her eyes. “I had sent my sister far away and was alone to raise both the sun and the moon, and the Elements no longer worked for me. For years I neglected both Kindness and Laughter for myself, and for all my little ponies. I didn’t see the point in being anything but a figurehead and I let Equestria fall into depression.” Celestia looked down in sorrow, and Twilight’s own eyes began to water. Celestia then looked up with a smile.
“And then the Spanish Inquisition showed up.” Twilight looked at the happiness in her mentor’s eyes.
“I thought that you created them,” Twilight stated.
“Oh no, I could never come up with something as random or silly as those three stallions, I don’t even think Discord on his best day could either” she giggled to herself then continued. “During one of my dark days, I was holding audience with the nobles at the time, still as boring as ever, and the topic as usual was the performance of my rule. The criticized everything I did, and claimed I was uncaring, and during that time they were correct…for once. I had just about had enough of their squabbling when these three red robed stallions burst through the door and interrupted everything, something nopony expected. They ran between my throne and the nobles and the one in the big red hat began accusing all of them of heresy against me. I held back my guards before they intervened because I wanted to see where this was going. The leader of the trio kept stumbling over his words during his accusations as the hooded one and the one with the aviator helmet and goggles stayed silent and sneered. The nobles were confused and outraged by their interruption, but the strangely dressed stallions would not be deterred, they proceeded to torture them."
Twilight gasped. “That’s horrible, how could you allow such a cruel thing to happen?” she asked her teacher in horror. Celestia smiled and raised her hoof out.
“Let me finish Twilight,” she said reassuringly, “They then began ‘torturing’ the nobles by… poking them with pillows and yelling at them to confess as if they were actually hurting them. When that didn’t work, they sat a few down in some comfy chairs, and still others they tied a dishwashing rack to. I watched the whole confusing scene unfold as it got more and more ridiculous,...and then I did something I hadn’t done since Luna was banished…I laughed” Celestia at this point began laughing like crazy at the memory while Twilight just sat their taken aback by the strangeness of those stallions’s behavior.
Celestia then calmed herself down and continued. “I tell you Twilight, I have never laughed that hard before or since I saw those three ‘torturing’ the prissy nobles,” she smirked then continued. “I laughed so hard it infected the guards who added their own guffaws. Even the nobles saw the humor in all the silliness and joined in. The only ones who didn’t join in were the Spanish Inquisition themselves. When all the laughter had subsided after what felt like hours, I had the guards escort the nobles away so that I could talk to these strange ponies.” Celestia then placed the Elements of Harmony back into the vault and closed it. She then motioned for Twilight to follow her as she walked towards her bedroom. She continued the tale as they walked.
“I thanked them for what they had done and asked them who they were. The leader introduced himself as Cardinal Ximinez of Spain along with his brothers Cardinal Biggles, the one in the aviator helmet, and Cardinal Fang, the one in the hood. I didn’t think they sounded Spanish in the slightest as their accents sounded more like they came from Trottingham, but I didn’t question them on this, they had given me a gift I never thought I would have again.” She smiled in happiness at that last part which in turn caused Twilight to smile as they entered her bedroom.
“Ximinez explained that they were the Spanish Inquisition and that they were highly devoted to me. They felt that ever since Luna’s banishment that the populace had grown with unrest and that the general public had turned against me.” She sighed, “I didn’t correct them for I knew they were right. I had neglected my ponies for so long, and after that day I decided to correct my mistakes. I swore to become a leader that inspired ponies to live in harmony with one another. I decided to live again.” Celestia wiped away a happy tear from her eye, as Twilight did the same.
“The trio swore their undying allegiance and that they would root out all heresy against me in the land with what they thought of as ruthless efficiency. I thought they were joking, but I soon realized that these silly stallions were one hundred percent serious. They believed that they were handing out my judgment with their cushions. They were harmless clowns that thought themselves warriors, and that gave me an idea. During my neglect there were many ponies out there that could use a good laugh. These strange stallions unintentionally brought joy to me and those around me by doing what they thought were serious business. Their silly behavior would help relieve tension in Equestria as I tried to gain my ponies’ trust once again. So I humored them. I gave them each a royal sun medallion and told them to do my bidding. Ximinez and his brothers were ecstatic, he claimed that nopony would expect them at all and they ran out immediately to do their job.” She looked at Twilight. “And they did a fantastic job Twilight Sparkle.”
“They made ponies laugh again,” Twilight stated finally understanding.
“Exactly, it wasn’t what they thought their mission was, but they accomplished it none the less. Many ponies laughed outright at their ‘terror’ and ‘violence,’ others were confused outright, but found the humor after the fact. They helped ease the stress of Equestria and ponies were more accepting of me.” Her smile became even bigger.
“But Princess,” Twilight interrupted, “why did Clover the Clever not specify this in the history book?” That piece of information still escaped her.
Celestia giggled, “Let’s just say that your ancestor found herself accused of heresy by those three one day, and they ‘forced’ her to write about their greatness.”
“Oh,” Twilight said, “I guess that makes sense.
“I’m glad you finally understand my faithful student. I still find it hard to believe that you thought that I could actually order the torture of my own subjects though,” she said with a smirk.
Twilight looked at her mentor and remembered what brought those thoughts in the first place.
“I’m sorry Princess, it’s just that I read the passage then I thought about how Luna was banished and how Discord was turned to stone. He told us that he was still conscious and could hear everything, and I couldn’t imagine anyone being conscious in stone for over a thousand years, or on the moon for that matter,” she admitted.
Celestia sighed, “I can understand your reasoning Twilight, and I don’t blame you. Just so you know though, Discord was not conscious for his first imprisonment, I would never do that to anypony, not even him. I made him conscious only for that day when I had you and your friends reform him. As for Luna, as Nightmare Moon she was imprisoned on the moon yes, but she was not alone. The nightmare forces that created her reside there and they have their own culture in which she ruled over. It’s not much better, but she wasn’t alone,” Celestia explained. Twilight looked at her guiltily, only for Celestia to place her hoof on her shoulder.
“I don’t blame you for your conclusions Twilight Sparkle, anypony could make that mistake,” she said as she smiled at her. Twilight Smiled back, how she ever thought that Celestia could do the monstrous things she imagined, she would never know.
“I’m glad I know the truth now, the Spanish Inquisition was Equestria’s greatest joke,” She said with understanding.
“They still are Twilight,” Celestia responded.
“Huh?” She asked confused.
“They still continue to be Equestria’s greatest joke,” she smiled.
“I don’t understand,” said the confused Twilight.
“They’re still around, they’ve been popping up now and again over the last thousand years, heck they even appeared this day in Ponyville” Celestia said simply.
“What? How do you know that?” Twilight asked shocked. Celestia didn’t answer, instead she levitated the scroll she had been reading earlier. Twilight recognized the writing as belonging to Spike. The message was incomplete and only said
Dear Princess Celestia,
Please send guards to Rarity’s house, the Spanish Inquisition
followed by an ink stain.
“Oh no! What if Spike and Rarity need help, what if it’s not the Spanish Inquisition you think?” She asked worriedly.
“I guarantee you, Spike and Rarity are perfectly fine, and these are the same Cardinal brothers I remember.”
“How? Are they alicorns as well?”
“No Twilight, they are just…well I don’t want to say Normal, but they are regular earth ponies as far as I know,” she said contemplatively.
“Then how are they still alive?” an exasperated Twilight asked. At this question, Celestia’s face became serious.
“I actually have no idea Twilight Sparkle, I’ve asked myself that question a lot this millennium, and I still don’t know. They show up randomly in different parts of Equestria, and will disappear for a few years before being spotted again,” she explained.
“That sounds impossible, you have no idea how they do it?”
“Nope. In fact I’ve stopped questioning how they work and just accept them. There are only two other things in my lifetime that I have categorized as such.”
“And what are those?” asked Twilight.
“Well one of them is your friend Pinkie Pie…” Twilight could understand that one first hand, “and the other is magnets,” Celestia finished.
“Magnets? Seriously?,” Twilight asked taken aback.
“Of course, do you know how they function?” Celestia said pointedly. Twilight tried to come up with an answer before she realized she had no idea.
“Bucking magnets, how do they work?” she thought to herself.
“Regardless, it doesn’t matter how or why they do it, they still continue to spread laughter even to this day.” Celestia held her hoof up and pointed to a wall mirror.
“ Look into this mirror Twilight.” Its image shimmered before showing Carousal Boutique where a laughing dragon was happily fixing a broken door. Behind him stood a disheveled Rarity who kept trying to get a dishwashing rack from around her neck. She seemed frustrated, yet at the same time there was a slight smile at the corners of her mouth. The image then flickered to show Applejack and Granny Smith sitting on a couch surrounded by photos telling some sort of story to Big McIntosh who was laughing his head off. His laughter seemed to infect both the mares who chuckled as well. The mirror then returned to show Twilight’s reflection.
“It seems your friends got a visit from these silly ponies, as many do when they least expect it” Celestia smiled.
“Wait, does this mirror specifically follow these guys or what?” Twilight asked.
“Well no, not exactly, this mirror allows me to check on all my subjects, and how they feel. I just told the mirror to pick up and display areas of both confusion and laughter that occurred in Ponyville today. I then had it filter out the 87 ½ non-Pinkie related incidents and this is what popped up, the clear signs of my old friends running around.” Twilight ignored the fact that Celestia had a mirror that let her spy on anypony she wanted, and just sighed in relief and understanding.
“Well Princess, I’m glad I now know more about this moment of…continuing history I guess.” Twilight stated, even though she was still confused by the existence of the stallions.
“As am I Twilight, as am I,” she smiled and then her smile turned devious as she said, “Say, you wanna see something funny?” After the day she had, Twilight only had one answer to that,
“Sure, why the hay not.” Both teacher and student smiled. Celestia then focused on the mirror which showed the three members of the Spanish Inquisition sitting in a café surrounded by…Vikings? They appeared to be eating some sort of pink substance out of a can.
“Prepare to observe some absolutely hilarious madness my faithful student.” Celestia’s and
Twilight’s pranking faces lit up as she said
“I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.”
AT THE CAFÉ
The three stallions all stopped eating their Spam and looked up in shock in confusion. Someone had said the line, but they only had two minutes before the episode was over. Biggles and Fang looked at Ximinez with an “I told you so face” before they all sprinted out the door. This was going to be a close one.
They ran to the train station where Ximinez ordered tickets at the booth.
“Two…um uh *three* for Canterlot,” he said to the pony behind the counter. All of a sudden faint singing could be heard.
“My Little Pony~.” The voices sang as words began to appear before them.
“Oh look, they’ve started the credits!” Biggles shouted as he noticed the words.
“Hurry, Hurry Hurry Hurry!” All three ordered the ticket salespony. They got their tickets and boarded the train which made its way to Canterlot while the credits and music continued. Ximinez then looked at the credits and became panicked.
“Look, there’s the credit for Dialogue Recording! There’s only a few left!” the pony in the hat shouted. A little while later he looked again.
“Tartarus! It’s the Producer! Quick!” he said getting up and running off the train, as the others did too. Somehow, thanks to plot convenience, they had arrived in Canterlot. The music was fading as they ran through Canterlot, into the palace and finally into Celestia’s room itself where she and Twilight Sparkle were laughing hysterically.
The three stallions stopped before the two as the leader in the red hat shouted
“NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPA…” He was cut off as the Hasbro Studios logo appeared, “Oh Bugger!”
THE END