//------------------------------// // New Day 1: A Chat // Story: PonyFall:Adventures in Chaos // by Draequine //------------------------------// Konichiwa, here’s another letter, When I last left off, Discord and I had decided to have lunch. If the last letter you’ve read had a talking mechanical bear in it, you’ve gotten one of my later letters. Try not to think about the temporal implications of this. Unless it helps you find a way to get me out of here, which by all means tie your brain into knots. I took a moment to seriously think about my next action. So far, I’ve had a pretty long streak of poor decisions, so I tried to consider my options. I can make a break for it and just run, I could jump out of the window, or I could try to beat Discord to death with a wire coat hanger. I’ll be the first to admit that my thought processes weren’t exactly coherent this week. ~You could just take him downstairs and grab a bite to eat,~ Crazy Voice stated, pointing out the only sensible solution, again. “Alright then,” I said with a bit of forced cheeriness. “Let’s eat downstairs.” I opened the door for him, and spent a few awkward seconds waiting for Discord to cautiously inch out of the door.” The word awkward can only be written so many times before it loses all meaning. Just assume that the rest of this day was painfully, terribly, incredibly awkward until Discord was about to decide that turning New York into a giant fish tank would be a marvelous idea. “Oh, stairs.” Discord said, staring at the flight of somewhat patchy stairs as if it were some kind of novel inconvenience, which I suppose they are to someone who was so used to flying around and teleporting, or whatever Discord does. He tightly gripped the bannisters as he slowly made his way down. I would have felt uneasy about the way he was acting completely out of character if I hadn’t heard the door click behind me, which had given me a small panic attack. Ack! Okay, I have the keycard, and I have the money, I thought, checking my inventory. Did I miss anything? ~You didn’t steal any of those tiny soaps,~ Crazy Voice helpfully informed. I’ll come back. Probably, I thought with an unhealthy amount of optimism. It took much longer to get down the stairs following Discord than dragging him up. He paused at every creak and groan, methodically taking his time with each step. For once, I had decided not to say anything, because every five or so steps, he would turn and glare at me, as if to dare me to say something. We arrived in the lobby, which was adjacent to the hotel’s meager cafeteria. It was rather crowded, but I had managed to find a table for Discord, who was starting to fidget. After that all I needed to do was follow my nose to the greasy buffet table and get some bacon. Only one thought ran through my head as I weaved through the crowd of geriatrics, tourists, and hipsters. Bacon bacon bacon bacon!  Not the most relevant thought to add to this retelling, I know, but bacon is just that important to me. So for Discord’s first second first impression of Earth food, I was going to give him some bacon. While I was patting myself on the back for that adequate idea, I had forgotten where I left Discord! “Um... Dis-” I immediately slapped myself. I couldn’t believe I was about to say his name in pubic, and risk meeting someone who found a pony. For that matter, I couldn’t believe that I was actually looking for Discord. ~Are you actually trying to find Discord?~ Neither could Crazy Voice. You know what, you’re ri- Just as I was about to finally concede to Crazy Voice’s command, I found the table. Actually, my knee found it. Loudly. “Oh, so that’s what humans eat,” Discord hollowly said. “Don’t you dare snub your nose up at bacon!” I snapped. Spirit of Chaos or no, I was not going to let Discord disrespect bacon. “This isn’t the only thing we eat though,” I hastily added once I remembered that I was talking to Discord. “Oh, meat is fine with me Ashton, but I did hope the canines were only for show,” he said as he tentatively grabbed a piece of bacon and held it up to his face. He snapped his fingers again, which had became annoying after the first dozen times he did it. He gave a dramatic sigh as he covered his face with his hands (Probably to hide his smile) and said, “I’m not sure I like it here.” “Why? Because of the meat?” I asked, hoping I wouldn’t be the one to inform him that he ate meat at least once last week. He rolls his eyes and threw the bit of bacon into his mouth. “It’s not the meat, Ashton, it’s what the meat means.” “What does it mean?” I wondered aloud, excited to have a bit more insight into Discord’s thoughts on Earth. “What it means is that this is a horrible place!” He declared as he leaned back into his chair and threw his arm over his eyes. “You can’t be serious!” I blurted. “Just because meat is on the menu here doesn’t mean this  place is horrible!” He lifted his arm to look at me and said, “Usually it doesn’t, such as in the cases of primitive societies, but this?” he swept his arms around the room. “It is only all too apparent that you humans are cruel, vicious, and selfish creatures, and I am stuck here, all alone!” he cried out, laying his head on the table between his arms. Poor Discord, I empathetically thought as he was peeking up at me from under his arms. He is completely right. I ought to tell him about meeting the other ponies. ~He is totally manipulating you.~ Crazy voice alerted, instantly seeing through Discord’s little plot. What? No he isn’t! He’s completely distraught, like a little lost- Realization painfully dawned on me. He is mostly made up of carnivores, so if anything he should be happy here. Yes, Earth may be full of horrible selfish people, but that’s Discord’s kind of crowd! He has been in a stone prison for God knows how long, so he is the complete opposite of miserable right now. Seeing Discord slide a piece of bacon under his arms and into his mouth confirmed this suspicion. Up until this point, Discord completely had me fooled. I’m still not sure how much of it was an act, or if some of his actions were completely genuine. I’m going to settle for him feeling slightly worried and cautious upon waking up, and slowly becoming bored. But that’s only my opinion. I took a breath to gather my nerve before finally having a stern word with Discord. “I’m not buying it.” I may not have said it with much conviction, but it gave Discord pause all the same. Discord morosely sighed and said, “Oh you truly are an untrusting lot.” He then proceeded to sob. “This is exactly the thing you do isn’t it? You continuously trick, hoodwink, betray, and manipulate everyone meet, all while remaining completely honest,” I said, unable to hide the admiration in my voice. But why is he trying to manipulate me? I thought as he snapped his fingers again. “I suppose you do know me,” he said nonchalantly as he reached for another piece of bacon. “Somewhat.” “What I don’t get is why you are doing this to me,” I said, feeling a bit hurt as I grabbed a piece of bacon. “I let you spend a week in my home, I let you drag me here to New York, and this is how you treat me?” “Oh, I’m not doing anything Ashton,” he said, grabbing another piece of bacon, much to my displeasure, before continuing. “You are just so befuddling. You shouldn’t have even thought of doing such a thing in a place like this. You see, omnivores don’t live in a city like this without being cold, ruthless, and cunning. It is quite obvious that you are none of these things. It just doesn’t make any sense!” “What fun is there in making sense?” I said, quoting his line from the episode. He clenched his jaw and glared at me. I couldn’t help myself. “Humans don’t have magic, they aren’t big or nasty, and from what I’ve seen so far, they aren’t that bright,” Discord mused to himself as he stroked his beard, still staring at me. “So how can you all live like this? Humans belong on the bottom of the food chain.” Discord stroked his beard a few more times before giving a gasp and saying, “Oh, you’re slaves!” He squinted at me. “But who do you serve?” “No, there is no...” I began to say before I realized this conversation was probably heading down a horrible path so I quickly changed the subject. “How did you know that humans don’t have magic?” “The lack of horns would be a big clue back in Equestria, but this is a different place,” he said with an aloof tone. “So I can only assume from the cars, planes, television, lights, and phones that you humans have no magic whatsoever.” That was when I realized that the real Discord was terrifyingly clever, observant, and worst of all, cocky. The week before was just Discord going through some kind of funk, but now he was some kind of puppet master, pulling my strings. I slowly grabbed another piece of bacon, trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest. I came up with various half baked plans. I should get the hell out of here. Just keep calm and carry on. Eat the bacon, then cheese it. Try to trick him. Try to kill him. Just give up. Then, I had a sudden epiphany. It doesn’t matter what I do, does it? He’s still going to completely manipulate me, since he has been doing this kind of thing for centuries. I’ll just do what I’ve been doing. ~Being a complete nut job? That’ll definitely work,~ Crazy Voice sarcastically commented. “How did you know what those thing are?” I asked, trying to smother my rising panic with curiosity. “That’s for me to know, and you to never find out,” he said coyly as he took another piece from the dwindling plate of bacon. “So what else do you know?” Or think you know, I added silently, taking my own piece of bacon from the plate in the middle of the table. “Not much else I’m afraid, except that I suspect that there is a television show, probably a cartoon, of Equestria here,” he politely said as he took a bite out of his bacon. Needless to say I was moments away from flipping out. I fumbled my bacon and started to sputter out,” I- er... um.. I’m... okay.” He gave a huge grin as if to say, “Gotcha!” “Have I struck you speechless Ashton?” he cheerfully asked. “I suppose I’ll carry your part of the conversation myself.” He gave a baffled expression as he imitated my voice, “Oh gee Discord, however did you guess that there was a show detailing your fantastical exploits in Equestria?” He shifted to a condescending tone and answered himself. “Well Ashton, you were much too familiar with me. Even after a week with me you are a bit too informed.” He gave a snobby sniff and said, “It wouldn’t be the first time this has happened.” What does he mean by “the first time?”  I thought, mystified at his cryptic referencing. “Oh, do you mean this isn’t the first time you’ve been powerless in another world, which is true since this is the second time you’ve been powerless here, or are you saying that this is yet another world that knows about you being defeated by little talking ponies?” It had taken four long, miserable seconds for me and Discord to register the words that came out of my mouth. As Discord began to grind a strip of bacon into tiny bits, I had a little chat with the other voice inside my head. Did you just-  ~Yes, I think I did,~ it stated in a delighted tone. ~Now to find out how I did it.~ Discord finished crumbling the bacon into a fine red dust and coldly remarked, “I just can’t wait to see this show.” “So how does it feel to be the designated villain?” Crazy voice said through me, or so I had thought at the time. Stop that! I demanded of Crazy Voice, as if I could persuade it in any way. ~I didn’t do that!~ it denied, ~At least, I think I didn’t~ Now I could directly explain what is happening with me, but that would ruin the consistency of this retelling wouldn’t it? Not that it ever had any consistency to begin with. Instead of giving me another withering look, Discord smiled. “You’re trying to give me an existential crisis aren’t you?” “Well no, but I suppose you’ll tell me why.” I said, unsure if I was the one saying it or if it was Crazy Voice. “Since you asked so politely, I will! It all started when Equestria was founded,” Discord said as he grabbed one of the last pieces of bacon from the plate. “This isn’t a Hearth’s Warming tale is it?” I asked in a rare moment of disbelief. Even taking into account that Discord was the Spirit of Chaos, I was still surprised at the direction this conversation was heading. “Oh, the show had a Hearth’s Warming Eve episode did it?” he asked, chewing the now congealed bacon strip. “Probably featured some kind of quaint moral lesson about friendship conquering hatred and grief, right?” He rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Leave it to ponies to cherry pick history.” He looked at me and asked, “Shall I tell you the real story behind Hearth’s Warming Eve?” “Sure, why not?” I said. Crazy Voice! Stop doing that! I scolded, knowing full well that I was the one who said that. This is a good spot to stop. Actually it isn’t, I’m just tired of writing. Actually I can’t get tired here, I just don’t feel like writing anymore. Actually I could write this all in one letter, I just like making cliff hangers. Yadda Yadda Yadda, Ashton Thomas.