//------------------------------//
// The Mole ☻ 
// Story: Obama Goes to Equestria 
// by a human 
//------------------------------//

"Fluttershy," Twilight said, exasperated, "I know everyone's worried about me, but I'm telling you, I don't need another lab assistant. Spike is enough." She spread out some papers. "You can go home. Really, I can manage on my—gah!" She hit the table, sending a vial falling off. 

Fluttershy threw a knife and impaled it on the opposite wall.

Twilight looked at the scene in shock. "How the hell did you not break th—no, never mind, this is exactly what I was talking about. If there was actually anything dangerous in that vial, we'd be dead!" She grew frustrated. "You don't impale vials with knives! That's like, lab safety 101! Well, not impaling vials with knives specifically, but you should be able to figure that out!"

Fluttershy apologized.

"No, it's okay," Twilight said, wiping up the mess with some old letters from Celestia. "Maybe you can help a little. Do you know anything about science?"

Fluttershy produced a homemade hand grenade.

"AAAH!" Twilight panicked and teleported it away. In the distance, she heard an explosion. "Uh," she said, "I think I just blew up your yard. Is that okay?"

Fluttershy said it would do a great job of disposing of the corpses.

"Okay, cool," Twilight said. "Hey, listen. I'm trying to think of ways to power this thing and I'm totally stumped. You got any ideas?"

Fluttershy suggested powering it with the souls of the recently departed.

"Not that that's a bad idea, but we'd run out of souls too fast," Twilight said. "You know what, actually, that is a bad idea. I know because I had a similar one. I was thinking of mining energy from parallel universes, but it turns out it would destroy those worlds completely, so that isn't an option." 

Fluttershy was totally cool with that plan.

"Yeah, but no one else is," Twilight said, getting increasingly frustrated. "Argggh, it's not like I can just make it a giant windup clock or something…"

She paused.

"Wait…"

– – – –

"Oh, Rainbow Dash…"

"Oh, Applejack…"

"Oh, Twilight…"

Rainbow Dash pushed away. "Wait, what did you just call me?"

"Uh, nothing," Applejack said. "I'm not harboring a secret lust for Twilight at all. No siree." She made her 'bad at lying' face.

Rainbow Dash stared at her.

Applejack grinned. "Just kidding."

"Thought so. That would be stupid."

They got back to business.

For literally no reason whatsoever, inside one of the Sweet Apple Acres outhouses, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were engaged in epic tongue to tongue combat. Because that is apparently a real metaphor real shipping authors use. They disengaged, panting.

"Looks like it's a draw," Applejack said, "again."

"Well," Rainbow Dash said, "that was awesome."

"Way to break the mood," Applejack said, rolling her eyes, as if making out in an outhouse was erotic at all.

"It's nice to have some alone time with all this overthrowing Celestia nonsense."

"Yeah. Especially secret alone time."

Since this story runs on Murphy's Law, it was shortly interrupted by some random pony outside. "Hey, Rainbow Dash, Twilight wants to see you at the library!"

Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at each other.

"Who was that?"

"I don't know!"

"Did you tell anyone?"

"Of course not!"

"Well!"

"Well what?"

"Deflect them!"

"Rainbow Dash?" Applejack yelled from inside the outhouse. "She isn't anywhere near here! It's just me, all alone, dropping a… number two or something."

"Oh, come on," the voice said. "The whole town knows."

Applejack and Rainbow Dash's faces sunk.

"Celestia has a video collection. That outhouse is bugged."

Applejack and Rainbow Dash screamed and burst outside.

"We're so sorry, princess!" Applejack yelled. "That was a joke earlier, I swear!"

"You idiot!" Rainbow Dash said. "If she has a video collection she obviously enjoys it!"

"Oh! I mean," Applejack said, thrusting her rear end in the outhouse's general direction, "how do you like that? Huh?"

Rainbow Dash facehoofed.

Roseluck, the mysterious other pony, smiled. "…or maybe not."

"Well thanks for getting us worked up over nothing!" Applejack screamed.

"Oh, and you might need this." Roseluck threw something at Rainbow Dash, who instinctively caught it.

"This… is a condom," she said, eyeing it in increasing confusion.

"Fluttershy knows about your little affair and has been sneaking male hormones to Applejack."

"AH! AH!" Applejack screamed as both of them frantically examined her nether regions.

Roseluck smiled. "…or maybe not. But that sure killed the mood, didn't it?" She walked off laughing.

"Stuck up flower peddling bitch," Rainbow Dash muttered. "Literally."

"You'd better go and see Twilight," Applejack said, still examining herself.

"Uh, yeah…"

– – – –

"You wanted to see me?" Rainbow Dash said.

"Yeah. Sorry about, well, you know, but it was the quickest way," Twilight said. "I've been making some breakthroughs in the research here, and… there are some parts I think you should know."

"First, I've got a question."

"Shoot."

"Do you think Celestia bugs outhouses?"

Twilight laughed. "Don't be stupid, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow Dash sighed in relief.

"Of course she bugs outhouses." 

Rainbow Dash froze.

"Why? You didn't start chanting 'death to Celestia' on the toilet or something, did you?"

"Um. So," Rainbow Dash said, desperate to change the subject, "about your research…"

"Well, I think I figured out how to rotate the sky, but the problem is power," Twilight said, walking over to some parts she had lying around. "Right now I can move the sky by, like, a centimeter, but anything more requires huge amounts of energy, and thus, a huge machine. So I've been looking into various ways of powering the thing."

"I thought you said you were mining energy from the earth or something."

"Yeah, but you need some energy to start that process," Twilight said. "Right now, the most practical way to do that seems to be the same thing the projector does. Kinetic energy."

Rainbow Dash looked confused. "What? You mean like… someone has to wind the thing up?"

"Sort of," Twilight said. "You remember how you turn the projector on, right?"

"Yeah, you wind it up with that little lever on the side, the thing starts rumbling, and then you have to take your hoof off really, really quick or it gives you a little shock, and…" Rainbow Dash's face fell. "Oh."

"Yeah."

Rainbow Dash thought about this. "And your machine would work about the same except…"

"Bigger."

"Yeah, bigger."

Twilight paused. "And it would do a lot more than just shock you."

They were silent.

"I assume you realize what this means," Twilight said.

Rainbow Dash looked pensive. "Are you sure there's no other way?"

"The alternatives are worse. I considered mining energy from alternate dimensions, but we might start destroying other worlds if we do that. I'm assuming that isn't an option." Rainbow Dash nodded. "Not to mention, I know this technique works since the projector already uses it. I can't tell you how much simpler that makes everything."

"But… couldn't you at least wind it up with magic?"

"I tried. Magic appears to interact strangely with this type of energy." She looked to the left. "Remember that wall?"

"What are you talking about?" Rainbow Dash said. "That's always been there."

"Apparently not. Look at this." Twilight produced photographs of the gang in the library, the wall clearly absent.

Rainbow Dash stared at the photos, then the wall. "Okay, you're right, that's weird."

"And I'm pretty sure I locked a fruit fly in some kind of infinite time loop," Twilight said, looking at a fly that was repeatedly flying in the same pattern over and over and over.

"Huh," Rainbow Dash got out.

"So obviously that's impractical on a large scale," Twilight said. "We might end up erasing Equestria's existence or something." 

Rainbow Dash looked down. "So that's it, then."

"Yeah. I don't have time to look into every alternative, especially when the alternatives are this dangerous," Twilight said. She paused. "You do understand that it would have to be done every single day, without fail. The only other pegasi I could think of were the Wonderbolts, but…"

"I couldn't ask that of them," Rainbow Dash said. She quietly laughed. "I guess it's the price to pay for freedom, huh?"

Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash. She knew how much she was asking. "Do you want to know more?"

"No, I'm good," she replied. "Thanks for telling me."

"You're… you're welcome."

Rainbow Dash closed the door.

"What was that about?" Spike asked.

Twilight looked out the window, watching Rainbow Dash leave. "Think about it. If it's a bigger version of what the projector uses, how would you wind it up?"

"I don't know. A motor?"

"That needs power too. You need to start somewhere."

"A pony?"

Twilight looked at Spike. "And what if you need to wind it up incredibly fast and get out as soon as the machine starts powering up?"

"You need a pegasus! A really fast one!" Spike figured it out. "Oh."

Twilight looked out the window. "And you'd have to do it every day, or the sun wouldn't raise. You'd have to conserve your energy. Not do anything else. Because the fate of the world rests on your shoulders." Twilight smiled. "No one said this would be easy."

– – – –

Twilight got out of the library and stretched. Her friends were right, she did need to take more breaks. Also, the latest ACA meeting was about to start and she had a lot she needed to say for that. She knew overplanning things would lead to disaster, but things needed to get better than what they were.

Her train of thought was interrupted by bumping into somebody huge. She looked up, half expecting it to be Celestia. Fortunately, it wasn't. 

Unfortunately, it was a royal guard.

"Sorry," Twilight said, subtly bowing. 

"Hey, you're Twilight Sparkle, aren't you?" the guard said. "Since it's you, it's okay. If it was anyone else, we'd have to lock them in the dungeon."

"I hope you're joking."

"I wish I was."

Twilight smiled. She knew he was a real royal guard now, at least. "So what are you doing out here in the boonies?"

"Well, just between you and me," the guard whispered, "there's rumors that an insurrection group has started in this town."

Twilight froze. "A what?"

"An insurrection group. A group of people trying to overthrow the crown, you know?" the guard said, eyeing Twilight suspiciously. "Do you know anything about this?"

"Oh, come on. What are you talking about?" Twilight said, playing innocent. "Celestia put you up to this, didn't she? This is going to end with me saying I'm a master debater or something, right?"

"No, this is legit," the guard said. "We received an anonymous tip a couple days ago." His face grew serious. "Once again, do you know anything?"

"No, not at all," Twilight said. "I'm shocked."

"Well, if you hear anything, tell us," the guard said, and headed off, unconvinced.

Twilight smiled and walked away.

Something was wrong.

This didn't fit Celestia's modus operandi at all. If she knew about their group, she would either keep her knowledge a secret or they'd already be dead. There's no way she would send out such conspicuous guards, unless her mind games were already beginning.

More likely, the Royal Guard actually did receive the tip and was acting independently.

It was a gamble, but there was only one way to find out which.

"Uh, guard?" Twilight said, calling him back. "The truth is…"

– – – – 

"Hello everyone," Twilight said. "Today I have some exciting news. Some of the Royal Guard have heard about our escapades and have decided to join. Welcome…!" She motioned for the two guards to say their names, but instead they just shook their heads. "…anonymous guards!"

The crowd uneasily clapped.

"So," Twilight said, pointing at one of the guards, "what was the final straw for you?"

He looked around uncomfortably.

"Come on, there's no way we'll trust you if you can't even badmouth her in private!" Twilight said. She winked at him, although at the angle she was at, it kind of looked like she was just winking at everyone. "Come on now, out with it!"

"Um," he said. "Sexcapade Sundays."

The crowd cringed in disgust, Twilight a little more so because she knew he wasn't kidding.

Twilight pointed to the other guard. "And you?"

"About the same."

"Okay then! Now that we've all been introduced, onto the first order of business," Twilight said. "Since Celestia is immortal, and we don't know what will kill her, we've just got to try everything. What do you think we should go for first, live vivisection or flamethrowers? Or both simultaneously? Tough choice."

The crowd murmured. The guards' faces contorted, caught between absolute horror and absolute laughter.

"I must say, wouldn't it be horrible if Celestia showed up, like, right now?" Twilight said, laughing. "That would be, like, really bad."

The crowd laughed nervously.

Twilight waited. She looked around.

No sign.

Without warning, she zapped the two guards with magic and froze them.

"Sorry about that," she said, calmly re-stacking some papers as the crowd looked upon the guardcicles in shock. "Those weren't actually new members. They were members of the Royal Guard sent down here to investigate. I convinced them I was playing double agent and letting them infiltrate the meeting."

Applejack reeled. "But doesn't that mean that Celestia knows?"

"Not necessarily," Twilight said. "That's what I was just testing. If Celestia was involved with this, she would keep much tighter watch over the guards, and would definitely not be able to resist some well-placed irony. That she didn't come out when I tempted fate proves she doesn't know."

"But the guards had to know somehow," Obama said. "Won't she find out eventually?"

"I believe we have a small layer of protection there," Twilight said, with a face making it clear she wasn't going to elaborate. "But that doesn't change that someone snitched. Someone here," Twilight leered at the crowd, "sent out an anonymous tip to the Royal Guard."

The crowd murmured again, because that's really all they were good for.

"We'll be interviewing everyone individually after the meeting," Twilight said. "For now, let's get back to the real topic of discussion. I wasn't kidding earlier with the vivisection question. We're going to need to try everything if we want to win this. If you have any ideas, any ideas at all, speak up." She paused, then acted like she remembered something. "And, I'd just like to remind everyone, before the questioning starts…" Twilight smiled. "I have spells for both."

– – – – 

"Well, the meeting was productive, but the questioning sure wasn't," Applejack said. "Everyone said they weren't involved."

"And they weren't lying," Twilight said. "I had as many lie detector and memory reading spells as I could going. Aside from bizarre fetishes I have no desire to ever see again, no one's hiding anything. And anyone who was thinking of snitching stopped after I started talking about vivisecting Celestia."

"They must have skipped town," Rainbow Dash said. "I wonder who it was…?"

"Well, if they left after the first meeting they don't know anything important," Twilight said, walking off. "And no one's going to believe one guy saying the Elements of Harmony are inciting rebellion. I think it's safe to say this matter is closed."

– – – –

Not entirely.

In Sugarcube Corner, in the dead of night, a figure scurried across the floor. It grasped a walkie-talkie, causing a brief burst of static. They carefully turned it to the secret wavelength. Once they were sure, they began their transmission.

"Exactly as planned," Gummy said.

Suddenly a yellow hoof came out of nowhere and smashed Gummy against a wall.

"YOU… BUCKING… IDIOT!" Fluttershy screamed.

– – – –

"Hey, Fluttershy!" Berry Punch said. "Love the new bag. What is that, snakeskin? Where did you get it?"

Fluttershy said she skinned Pinkie Pie's pet alive to make it.

"That's cool. See you!"

Berry Punch suddenly remembered why she drank.