//------------------------------//
// ✍ Preparation 
// Story: Obama Goes to Equestria 
// by a human 
//------------------------------//

"Hi," Twilight said over the phone. It was one of the many technical advancements humans brought with them. "Some guards came by town yesterday investigating an insurrection group. I noticed Celestia wasn't involved. I'm assuming that was you."

"I wasn't going to tell her until we were absolutely sure," Shining Armor said. "Twily… tell me the truth. Did you have anything to do with this?"

"What?"

"When those guards came back, they said the tip turned out to be false, but… I know if you were involved you'd be too good to get caught." He paused. "Were you involved?"

"I didn't hide anything from the guards."

"Were you involved?"

Twilight paused.

"There's something going on but… it's beyond my control."

"Then we'll come back and—"

"No. Please, don't."

"Why?"

"Come on, Celestia doesn't need any help dealing with some small town insurrection group. And if you're there she might think you were involved. I wouldn't be able to stand that. Just… promise me that you'll stay in the Crystal Empire, okay?"

"Twily… why are you doing this?"

"What?"

"Now I know you're involved. If you're trying to keep me out of this, you have to be. Just tell me why." He paused. "If you have a good reason… I'll do what you say and leave well enough alone."

Twilight considered it. After taking a deep breath, she decided to oblige. 

"Shining… there's something wrong with this country. Or maybe even this world. I don't know how I never noticed before… but I think that's part of it."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me, what do you think of Celestia?"

"What does this—?"

"Just do it."

Shining Armor thought about it. "Well… she's kind of a prankster, but she's a wise ruler with our best interests in mind."

"Now let's say I had evidence she murdered Applejack's parents."

"You have what!?"

"Tell me what you think of Celestia again. Just do it."

Shining Armor considered his words. "Well, uh… she's kind of a prankster, but she's extremely intelligent, and knows what she's doing."

"You see what happened there?"

"What?"

"Your opinion on Celestia changed. As soon as I planted the smallest doubt, it changed, like a spell was being broken. I never said I had evidence she did that, but the mere idea was enough to wipe the idea of her being a 'wise ruler with our best interests in mind' from your mind."

Shining Armor was silent.

"If you think that was something special I did to you, try it on someone else. Trust me, it always works. And trust me, that isn't the only thing I found out, but the less you know the safer you are."

Shining Armor was silent.

"Shining?"

"I believe you," he said. "I'll stay out of this."

"Thank you."

He hung up.

Twilight set the phone down and headed out. No turning back now.

– – – –

"After a month of extensive research, I've finally managed to design a machine to raise the sun," Twilight said. "You all know what that means. We can move into our final phases of planning. If everything goes well, we should be able to strike Celestia next week. During this meeting, we'll go through everyone and see what skills they can offer. Any questions?"

"Yeah! New Lunar Republic!"

Twilight groaned and followed the annoying, grating voice to its source.

"Lyra," she said, "what have we told you about bringing humans to these meetings?"

"What? Come on, he's cool!" Lyra yelled back.

"No, he's an idiot, just like 90% of the other humans that've arrived here, and you vouching for him does not help," Twilight said. "We unanimously voted against involving humans for this exact reason. Out. Now."

"But—"

"Do you want me to list all the ways I can hurt you with magic again?"

They left.

"Now, any other questions?"

A hoof raised.

"Yes?" Twilight said.

"He has a point. Doesn't Princess Luna also rule us?"

Twilight gestured to the bouncers, because apparently they have bouncers now. They took the pony and threw him outside.

"Any questions that aren't stupid?"

No one dared speak.

"Now before we get started," Twilight said. "I want to make sure everyone here is on the same page. If you have any doubts whatsoever about what we're doing, leave now, and we won't hurt you."

Twilight looked at her friends. They didn't budge an inch, except for Pinkie Pie, who existed in all spaces simultaneously.

"Let her burn," Applejack said.

That was enough for everyone else.

"Okay then," Twilight said. "Let's figure out who can do what. Anyone got any special skills they've been hiding?"

Rarity piped up. "I can tie peo—"

"Yes, we know, Rarity. I said that skills we've been hiding," Twilight said.

The room was silent.

"Well, if no one else will say it I will," Rarity said. "Fluttershy can handle infiltration or something. She has magic powers that let her talk her way out of anything."

"Come on, that's ridiculous. Fluttershy doesn't have magic powers that let her talk her way out of anything," Twilight said. "Only unicorns have magic powers."

"Oh yeah?" Rarity said. "Tell me, what happened the last time you were at Fluttershy's house."

Twilight thought back. "She raped me with a carrot."

"And why haven't you gotten pissed at her like you get pissed at me when I do stuff like that?"

"Because she apologized."

The room was silent.

"Wait, what!? Oh my freaking Celestia, you're right!" Twilight yelled. She whipped her head around towards Fluttershy. "Fluttershy! Why would you do that!?"

Fluttershy apologized.

"Oh, okay, well if that's—" Twilight stopped. "Dammit, Fluttershy! We'll discuss this later! You got anything else you need to tell us!?"

Fluttershy said Discord was her bitch now.

Twilight reeled. "Okay, well, uh, okay, wow. Tell him… tell him… we should meet up sometime and figure out what he could do."

Fluttershy nodded.

"Anyone else?"

The room fell silent again.

Scootaloo piped up. "Sweetie Belle's a—"

"I'M NOT A CELESTIADAMN ROBOT!"

"Okay, geez…"

The crowd stared. Somehow, without anyone noticing, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had gotten in.

"Who let you kids in here? Come on, out, the adults are talking," Rainbow Dash said while eating Applejack's hat again. She started shoving the kids out.

"No, we want to help!" Apple Bloom said, fighting against Rainbow's cyan hooves of doom. "Obama said we could get cutie marks in overthrowing the government!"

"Oh, did he now?" Applejack said, glaring at Obama.

"Now, maybe, verily so, yes," Obama said, good under pressure is always. 

"He has a point," Twilight said. "Sweetie Belle, tell us the truth. Are you really a robot? If you are, you could help us out a lot."

"Of course I'm not a robot!" she replied, tired of this crap. "And I'm not the one you should be interested in."

"Oh, really? Why?"

"Because…" Sweetie Belle paused dramatically. "Scootaloo here is immortal!"

The crowd murmured.

"What? Come on, don't be ridiculous," Twilight said.

Sweetie Belle scoffed. She was prepared for this. "Just watch," she said. She went outside and came back an absurdly huge chainsaw.

"Sweetie Belle! No! Let's be reasonable! Where did you even get that?"

"Rarity's bedroom! RRAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!"

She swung down with all her might and sliced Scootaloo into thin ribbon.

"You killed her!" Applejack yelled, stating the obvious.

Everyone else reacted similarly, except for Fluttershy, who mouthed something to the effect of "I've taught you well." They held a short wake in Scootaloo's honor, and started dragging away Sweetie Belle, who was just rolling her eyes.

The moment was cut off by a gurgly voice. "Seriously guys I'm fine."

The crowd stopped.

"Did you say something?"

"No, I thought you did."

"What? Who was it?"

"Guys come on it's me."

They noticed Scootaloo's disembodied throat moving. Then they noticed the rest of her body slowly reassembling itself. After many extremely gross intermediary stages, a fully formed Scootaloo stood before the crowd once more. She grabbed Sweetie Belle by the shoulders.

"That… bucking… HURT! Give me a little heads up next time!" she screamed, then noticed the silence. "What? What's wrong? Did someone die?"

Someone had the courage to squeak out "you did."

"Oh, yeah, that happens."

The crowd was silent.

"Okay then, Scootaloo is immortal," Twilight said. "Anyone else?"

"No, I think we need to dwell on this a bit," Applejack said.

"Yeah, how do we use an immortal pony in a castle invasion?" Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight thought about it. "We use her as a meat shield," she said.

They considered it.

"Sounds good to me," Rainbow Dash said.

Scootaloo gaped. "What."

"It probably wouldn't even be that painful," Rarity said.

"What!?"

"Well, it's decided, then," Twilight said. "Scootaloo is our meat shield. Any objections?"

"HELL YEAH!" Scootaloo yelled.

"Any other objections?"

Silence.

"Let's get on with the meeting then. So—"

Scootaloo ran out.

"Rainbow?"

"On it."

– – – –

Scootaloo ran as quickly as she could. She started to give up when she heard that familiar wing flapping behind her. Rainbow Dash.

"I'm not going to be your guys' meat shield!" Scootaloo yelled. "You're all sick!"

Rainbow Dash looked confused. "Oh, I don't care about that."

"What?"

"I just need to make sure you aren't going to tell anyone."

Scootaloo glared. "Really? Who would even believe me?"

"After watching someone's body reconstructing, people start believing a lot," Rainbow Dash said.

"Good point." Scootaloo paused. "And how would you know that?"

"Because I saw your body reconstructing first. And I started believing a lot."

Scootaloo was silent. She sat down. Rainbow Dash had managed to get out a couple coherent sentences in a row, so she figured it was safe to lower her guard a bit. 

Rainbow Dash said next to her. "You want to know why I bugged you so much?" she asked.

"Because you're an asshole?"

"I wanted to make sure you were immortal."

"That's a very good reason," Scootaloo said, "that you are an asshole."

"Yeah, you're right."

That caught Scootaloo off guard.

"As soon as I realized you were immortal, I wondered if it was the same type of immortality the princesses had. So I started testing things. I knew their immortality made it almost impossible for them to die, so I could only hope it was the same with you."

"That's a pretty big risk to take," Scootaloo said, offended.

"Well, you remember the first time I hurt you?"

"Yeah, you dropped me on a pile of knives."

"Yeah, that."

"Also I was on fire."

Rainbow Dash groaned. "Not one of my finer moments." 

Scootaloo gaped. "Wait, you mean that was an accident!?"

"Anyway, after witnessing that, what do you think would kill you?"

Scootaloo thought about it. It made some twisted sense.

"And I was right. Nothing killed you. Nothing at all. Not fire or ice or blades or trauma or Jell-O or lasers or loud noises or explosions or exhaustion or anything."

"Wait, what was that one about five back—"

"The point is, if you can't die, neither can the princesses."

"Your point being?"

"This is hopeless and we're all going to die."

Scootaloo blinked. "Okay then."

The two sat there in silence.

"Your point being?"

Rainbow Dash grasped. "I had one, but I kind of lost it."

Awkward silence.

"Why do you care?" Scootaloo said.

"What?"

Scootaloo glared. "Why do you care so much how to kill an immortal?"

Rainbow Dash paused. "Do you really want to know?"

"You've killed me so much my friends are starting to get into it," Scootaloo scoffed. "I think I deserve an explanation."

Rainbow Dash looked in the distance. "Promise not to tell anyone about this. I don't think I'm supposed to remember it."

"No."

Rainbow Dash paused, but continued anyways. "About a year ago, one of Twilight's spells went awry and I got sent to another world. The human world."

Scootaloo was silent.

"I was de-aged and lost my memories. I had no idea where or who I was. But luckily, someone found me and raised me as his own. I was happy. Without knowing it, I was living a life better than anything I had before. I finally had time to relax and think. But I couldn't enjoy it. I constantly felt like I was missing something. It kept nagging at me from the back of my mind.

"Then, one day, Celestia and the gang appeared. They said they had come to take me back home and erase our memories of the whole thing since it wasn't supposed to have happened." She paused. "It was hard, but I knew I had to do it. I knew this was the piece of my life I was missing. I said goodbye and followed them back." Rainbow Dash looked down. "I've regretted that ever since."

"What? Why?"

"I never realized how little I had until then. Sure, I had my speed, a job, my own fan club… but my family was gone, my friends were shallower than I had ever remembered, and I was torn from the one good relationship I had in my life. Since that day, I've sworn to get revenge on Celestia." Rainbow Dash looked down. "She didn't even give me a choice! And I know that human is feeling the same way. She took so much away from me… and I want her to know what it feels like." She looked at Scootaloo. "That's why I'm so concerned about how to kill an immortal. I want to get kill Celestia."

"You want to kill her because she took you home?"

"Well, when you put it like that—"

"Not to mention you're part of the only weapon Equestria has to defend itself."

"Well, uh—"

"And if she managed to wipe your memory of the whole thing, like she wanted to, you'd be fine, right?"

"Yeah, I guess—"

"Unless she lied to you about wiping your memory to fill you with more grief."

Rainbow Dash froze. "What?"

"Sorry, don't know where that came from," Scootaloo said. "And you know what, I'll help."

"What?"

"I don't know why, but I don't trust Celestia at all, and you have a sort of good reason for all of this. Not to mention, I'm probably the only person around that knows how to kill her…"

"What!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. She grabbed Scootaloo. "How!?"

"You think I'm telling you!?" Scootaloo yelled. She became serious. "And I couldn't if I wanted to. I'm under a promise."

"A pinkie promise?"

"Maybe."

– – – –

Scootaloo sat there panting as Pinkie Pie comforted her.

"I'm… immortal," Scootaloo got out.

"That's right."

"How do you know?"

Pinkie Pie looked down. "When I phase into things, that usually doesn't happen."

"What usually doesn't happen?"

"You usually don't start dying."

Scootaloo shuddered.

"And I usually don't start dying."

"What?"

Pinkie Pie took a breath. 

"I'm the only way to kill an immortal, but it kills me too."