Chapter 2: It’s Not Lunch, Darling, It’s Luncheon or How To Give Your Sister a Heart Attack
Applejack followed in Apple Bloom’s and Scootaloo’s wake as they made erratic progress down the streets of Ponyville. Scoots would often pause to show Apple Bloom a trick on her scooter, or they’d get distracted by a window display in one of the shops. All in all, it set Applejack’s mind at ease. Sure, there were things that needed doing and work that could be done, but she was on her way to eat lunch with her best friends and her little sister. Life didn’t get much better. ‘Course, I don’t know nothin’ about this Café Rodeon, she thought a little sourly. If it’s Rarity’s idea, it’ll prob’ly be teensy portions o’ overcooked veggies. Somethin’ with a fancy name nopony could pronounce without soundin’ like I’m talkin’ with my mouth full. But even the prospect of bizarre foreign food couldn’t dampen her spirits. The chill in the air had mellowed out, though the breeze had picked up. Soon enough, Rainbow Dash and her weather ponies would be bringing in snow-laden clouds and the orchard would fall asleep under a thick blanket of snow.
She sighed wistfully as thoughts of the relative inactivity of wintertime danced through her head. Even the famed Earth Pony connection with nature couldn’t keep apple trees fruitful through the winter. It left the Apple family a little at loose ends through the winter, though Granny Smith always came up with something to keep the family busy. Usually, they’d be making barrels of cider to put aside and ferment through the winter and rolling out the aged cider to warm up and sell in the market. The Apple stall always did a brisk trade in Ponyville, especially the Apple family’s prime aged cider. Applejack shook her head to clear away the cobwebs. It wasn’t like her to get lost in her thoughts like this! That’s more Twi’s speed, thought Applejack, grinning at the thought of the absent-minded librarian getting lost on the road to Ponyville and ending up heading toward Sweet Apple Acres.
“We’re here!” Apple Bloom shouted.
Applejack shook her head again and examined the Café Rodeon. The building itself was a small cottage with several tables set outside. It was painted a rustic red, reminiscent of the Apple family’s barn, and had a hoof-carved wooden sign hanging above the door with a picture of a bucking pony on it as well as the words Café Rodeon. Rarity and Twilight were seated at a table outside and Pinkie Pie was pushing another table up to it to make for a larger seating arrangement.
Pinkie was the first one to spot them and she waved both hooves in the air enthusiastically, tossing confetti in the air and blowing a party horn. Rarity sighed and almost unconsciously levitated her drink out of the way of the falling confetti. Twilight just jumped a bit and almost spilled her drink trying to cover it with a hoof. “Hooray!” She whooped, “The Apples are here! Ooh, and Scootaloo!”
“Howdy there, fillies!” Applejack called out. Apple Bloom and Scoots had already run up to the table and greeted the others.
“Hey there, Rarity! Is Rainbow Dash gonna be here?” Scoots asked excitedly.
Rarity blinked in surprise, “Oh, why hello there, Scootaloo! Yes, Rainbow’s inside the café, trying to barter a free meal for ‘the best flier in Equestria’. Quite boorish if you ask me, but that’s Rainbow Dash for you: no sense of decorum!” She sniffed in dainty disgust.
“Howdy, Rarity! Howdy Twilight, and Pinkie Pie!” Apple Bloom grinned at each of the mares and performed an awkward little curtsey, trying not to tip over the sapling balanced on her back. “Thank ya kindly for invitin’ me n’ my big sister to lunch!”
Rarity smiled and rubbed Apple Bloom’s head affectionately, “How adorable! But really, darling, it’s not ‘lunch’. It’s luncheon. ‘Lunch’ is for ponies named Biff and Jock.”
“Funny,” said Applejack as she sauntered up to the table, “me n’ mine’ve always been fine eatin’ ‘lunch’.”
“Ah,” said Pinkie, “but I’d rather get my ‘lunch on’, then just get my lunch!”
“…Right.” Applejack and Twilight Sparkle said it at the same time and both burst out in laughter at once.
“I’m gonna go in and see Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo announced, “You comin’ Apple Bloom?”
Apple Bloom shook her head, “Nah, she’ll be out here in a minute. ‘Sides, I gotta give Twilight my gift!” She turned and carefully removed the potted sapling from her back and set it on the table.
“A gift?” Asked Twilight, “You didn’t have to get a gift for me Apple Bloom!”
“I know,” Apple Bloom kicked at the cobbles bashfully, “but my big sis always says it’s right n’ proper to thank a pony who invites ya’ somewhere. ‘Sides, I think you’re really gonna like it!” She pushed the sapling over to Twilight, an expectant look in her big golden eyes.
Twilight looked at the plant in front of her, confusion warring with polite gratitude. “Um, thanks Apple Bloom!” She said brightly, “But, uh, what is it?”
Apple Bloom giggled, “It’s an apple tree, o’ course, silly!”
“Apple Bloom!” Rarity exclaimed dramatically, “Oh, it’s absolutely adorable! It’s so sweet! An apple tree from an Apple! How droll!”
“Oh! Right! Of course!” Twilight cast a desperate look over at Applejack, who simply shrugged. She looked back over at Apple Bloom and smiled, “Thanks, Apple Bloom. I’ll make sure to plant it as soon as I get back to the library!”
Apple Bloom grinned and kicked at the cobbles again, a small blush coming to her yellow cheeks, “Tain’t much, Twilight, but I hope you like it.”
“Of course she does!” Rarity said, her voice positively syrupy. “Now where did Sweetie Belle and Rainbow go? How long does it take to embarrass oneself in every conceivable way?"
Right then, Scoots came bounding out of the cafe, gazing adoringly at her idol, who followed a moment later with an extremely smug look plastered on her cerulean face. Sweetie Belle followed Rainbow out of the cafe looking a little exasperated as Scoots did her best to show off in front of Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash was regaling Scootaloo with yet another rendition of her Sonic Rainboom story and, even though she’d heard it a dozen times and told it two dozen times, Scootaloo was eating it up. Sweetie Belle saw Apple Bloom and trotted over to give her friend a hug hello.
Rarity looked irritated at Rainbow Dash, but Rainbow Dash didn’t seem to be paying attention as she arrived at the climax of her story, her hooves demonstrating the complexity of the stunt as she contorted in her effort to tell her story. Sweetie settled herself next to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. Almost immediately, the two fillies put their heads together and started whispering excitedly to each other.
Twilight examined the sapling in front of her with a keen gaze and then looked over at Applejack, “If I’m not mistaken, this is a Red Delicious apple tree, right?” She cleared her throat a little self-consciously.
Applejack looked momentarily surprised, then replied, “Well, yeah. Yeah, it is a Red Delicious apple tree. How’d y’figure it to be Red Delicious? Was it the unique leaf shape? Or the branchin’ o’ the main trunk? Only a few apple trees branch like that and if you see one, it’s ten-to-one it’s a Red Delicious.”
“Oh, no. Um,” Twilight giggled a little, then turned the pot around, pointing to the label peeking up from the soil, “nothing so nuanced. There’s a label.”
Applejack laughed, “Thats what I get for tryin’ t’ over complicate things. That’s more your deck o’ cards.”
“Give me a little credit, I don’t always over-complicate things.” Applejack cocked a skeptical eyebrow at her and Twilight blushed and hurried on, ”That’s beside the point anyway. Still, I had no idea about all those things you said about apple trees. I guess I never really thought about it, but there’s quite a lot to learn about apple trees, especially if I’m going to take care of this one.”
“Well shucks, Twi, y’all got the best apple farmer in Ponyville right down the street! You can come on down t’the farm any time to ask questions or see plantin’ techniques. In fact, I just planted a new row o’ saplins up on the northern edge of the West Orchard. Maybe y’all can stop by and I can teach ya a little somethin’ about it?”
Twilight considered it for a moment, then nodded happily, “That sounds perfect! I’ll make sure to bring my notebook, some extra quills and ink, a few sterile flasks to collect soil samples...” Her horn began to glow as she levitated a notebook and quill from her saddlebag and began creating a list.
“Uh, sure Twi, go on and do that.” Applejack noticed Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle with their heads together and remonstrated, “Apple Bloom, y’see Sweetie all the time. Pick your head up and have a jabber at some o’ these other ponies for a minute, okay? Bein’ polite don’t cost nothin’ but bein’ rude can cost a friendship!”
Apple Bloom blushed and looked up from her conversation with Sweetie Belle, “Sorry sis,” she said contritely. “Uh... Ooh! Rarity, how was the spa? We saw your note on the boutique when we were makin’ deliveries!”
“Darling,” replied Rarity, closing her eyes in remembered bliss, “it was simply delicious. Fluttershy and I have a standing weekly engagement at the spa, but this was a little off the normal schedule. I’d just finished a rather arduous custom dress order,” she put a hoof to her brow melodramatically, “and was feeling so tense and stressed. I felt after such a monumental acheivement I simply had to treat myself to the full services of the spa. So I asked Fluttershy if she would join me and we luxuriated in pampered heaven for a glorious two and a half hours! She said she’d be coming to lunch, but had to check on her animals first.”
“See?” Apple Bloom shot at Applejack, “ Rarity said it was ‘glorious’! Don’t you wanna feel glorious sis?”
“Apple dumplin’, I feel glorious every single day I wake up and look out my window at the orchard growin’ on Apple family land for three generations. It’s enough for me-- or anypony for that matter!” She finished her little speech in a tone that brooked no further discussion on the matter.
The conversation livened up then as the others took their seats. Rainbow Dash began telling everyone about the new stunt she was perfecting for her latest routine which had Scootaloo perched on the very edge of her seat. While the other mares joked and laughed, Apple Bloom was thinking. Twilight’s reception of her gift had gone all right, but it wasn’t exactly what she was looking for… She wanted her sister and Twilight to fall in love, not to think she was cute for giving the librarian a plant. Even if it was an apple tree, objectively the best kind of tree, obviously.
“What has you so thoughtful?” Sweetie Belle whispered, interrupting Apple Bloom’s thoughts.
Apple Bloom blinked, “Huh? Oh, I’m just thinkin’ about my sister and Twilight.”
“How come? Is Twilight coming to your house or something?” Sweetie Belle glanced over at Scootaloo, obviously wanting the last Crusader to join in their little tete a tete, but Scoots was enrapt by Rainbow Dash’s dramatic retelling of her stunt story (with embellishments minor and major for her reduced audience). The others were chatting about the menu and pretty much ignoring the two fillies.
“Nah, nothin’ like that.” Apple Bloom leaned in closer, “I’m tryin’ to, y’know, hook ‘em up!” She smiled triumphantly.
“What? Why?” Sweetie Belle was nonplussed. “Why would Twilight and your sister fall in love?”
“I dunno... Sometimes, I get this feelin' that Applejack's real lonely. I think it's cuz our mama and daddy ain't with us..." She trailed off thoughtfully, then her voice picked up strength, "but my sister's the best big sister ever and she shouldn't be sad! So I was thinkin' that Twilight’s real nice, and my sister seems to like her well enough, and I wouldn’t mind havin’ her as another sister. Which’d happen if’n I could get them to love each other! Then Applejack wouldnt feel lonely any more!" Apple Bloom explained, the sheer simple genius of her plan striking her once again with its elegance.
Sweetie Belle didn’t seem to be convinced, “I don’t know, Apple Bloom… I don’t think you can make ponies fall in love like that. Besides, I don’t know if either Twilight or your sister even likes mares!”
“Of course they like mares!” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, “They always hang out together! I mean, I like mares! Well, fillies, anyway.”
“What?” Sweetie Belle squeaked, her eyes going wide, “You do?”
“’Course, I do, silly!” Apple Bloom chucked her friend on the shoulder, “You and Scoots are my best friends in the world!”
“I don’t know, Apple Bloom…” Sweetie hedged, rubbing her chin with one hoof thoughtfully, “I still think there’s something you’re missing here.”
“What could I possibly be missin’? It’s simple enough, Sweetie; when ponies love each other, they move in together and then hang out all the time!”
“But what about all that kissing and cuddling and stuff my big sister always moons on about after reading her romance novels?” Sweetie asked.
“Psh, romance novels. What does a book know anything ‘bout love anyway?” Apple Bloom waved a hoof dismissively, “T’ain’t nothin’ but a bunch o’ dry words on drier paper.”
Sweetie Belle considered this before shaking her head slowly, “Rarity always ends up crying or sighing a lot when she reads those books. I don’t think the books are dry, really. I mean, sometimes, my sister locks herself in her room all day with a new one and comes out with her mane all rumpled and her coat all messed up.”
Apple Bloom scrunched up her face and waved the argument off, “Sweetie, I’m talkin’ about real life. We both know your sister—as great as she is—can be stranger n’ a changeling at a hoedown! ‘Sides,” she announced magnanimously, “if’n Twilight wanted to kiss my sister, I wouldn’t mind. Just s’long as they do it when I ain’t around. I’m not much of a fan for mushy stuff.”
Sweetie Belle blushed, “I don’t know, Apple Bloom. It sounds pretty romantic… But why Twilight? Why not my sister?” Sweetie Belle lowered her eyes and looked away.
“Aw, Sweetie,” Apple Bloom smiled pulling her friend’s chin up with a gentle hoof, “I thought of yer sister first! But can y’really see yours and my sisters together? Like, together livin’ together?”
Reluctantly, Sweetie Belle shook her head, “No… I guess not.”
“Me neither,” Apple Bloom said a little despondently, “though it would be pretty awesome to have you as a sister!”
Sweetie Belle smiled a little sadly, “Yeah, it would. But you’re right, our sisters really wouldn’t be good together.” She sighed wistfully, then scrunched up her face in confusion, “Still, why Twilight? I mean, she doesn’t have much more in common with your sister than Rarity does!”
Apple Bloom winked at her, “Y’know, that’s what I thought at first, too. But then it popped in my head, like, Twilight, she likes to learn all kinds o’ stuff, right?” Sweetie nodded slowly, “Right. Well, Applejack’s always tellin’ me that everythin’ in life y’need to learn, y’can learn on the farm. Then Twilight wouldn’t need to spend all her time in that library dustin’ musty ol’ books!”
“But doesn’t Twilight like all those musty old books?”
“Nah, she just thinks she does ‘cuz she ain’t been out at the farm for long enough.” Apple bloom tapped a knowing hoof to her snout, “Trust me, once I get my sister and Twilight together, she’ll realize just what she’s been missin’! And, I bet we could get our cutie marks for matchmakin’!”
“Ooh! That sounds so much better than jumping out of a tree or herding chickens, or mining coal or something else dangerous and dirty! So what can I do to help?” Sweetie Belle asked, a smile beginning to grow on her face.
Apple Bloom smiled back, “I’m not sure yet, Sweetie, but I’ll think o’ somethin’!”
~*.*~
They broke off long enough for the food to arrive, which Apple Bloom didn’t remember ordering. Fluttershy arrived just as the salads were being served—a taste of fall grasses mixed with tender baby greens from the café’s garden in a light olive oil and alfalfa dressing with generous portions of timothy grass and dandelion buds mixed in—and joined them, explaining that she was late because she had to mediate a misunderstanding between a grumpy bear and Angel Bunny.
“What, did that furry terror kick the bear or somethin’?” Rainbow Dash asked around a mouthful of grass.
Fluttershy ducked her head, hiding her eyes behind her long pink mane, mortified at the mere thought, “Oh no,” she murmured demurely, “Angel Bunny would never do anything like that. It was just a little misunderstanding. Nothing to worry about!” Rainbow Dash eyed her suspiciously, but didn’t bother to contradict her.
Apple Bloom decided it was time to get started on her plan. She nodded surreptitiously at Sweetie Belle and said, “Uh, Rarity?” Rarity smiled over at Apple Bloom, her attention diverted from frowning at Rainbow Dash’s table manners, “Sweetie Belle here was just tellin’ me that you really liked romance books..." Apple Bloom blushed, "I-I guess I was wonderin', like, what's a good romance?" Scoots broke off listening to Rainbow Dash long enough to give Apple Bloom a disgusted look, then pointedly turned her back and asked Rainbow Dash to tell her about getting her cutie mark again.
Rarity shot an arch look at Applejack, who looked more than a little surprised--shocked even--at her little sister's question. "We'll, if you're wondering about romance, you've come to the perfect pony!" Rarity purred, "A good romance is full of dashing stallions, gorgeous but tragically misunderstood mares, dastardly schemes by jealous parties who want to keep the stallion and the mare apart, and, of course, mane-tanglingly amazing rutt--"
"Ahem!" Applejack coughed. Rarity blushed brilliantly and took a quick drink from her glass and Fluttershy choked on a mouthful of salad, hiding her face behind her hair as she coughed.
Apple Bloom glanced at Sweetie Belle with a smug expression on her face, then turned back to Rarity, "But what about a couple o' mares doin' all the kissin' and huggin' and whatnot?"
"Sugar cube, what's this all about?" Applejack asked a little desperately.
Apple Bloom shrugged, "I was just wonderin' sis."
"She's obviously started feeling...stirrings...for some special pony," Rarity said trying to hide a smile, "and she's trying to ask about it!"
Applejack had a bit of a wild look about the eyes as she asked her little sister, "Apple Bloom, is that true? You harborin' romantic-type feelins' for somepony?"
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and blushed scarlet, "No, sis. I’m, uh, I’m askin’ for...for...for a friend!”
“See, Applejack?” Rarity soothed, smiling a bit too sweetly for Apple Bloom’s tastes, “She’s asking for a friend!”
“Right, a friend,” Applejack repeated looking a bit pale, “silly me.”
Apple Bloom breathed a sigh of relief, That was close! Now let’s get this conversation back on track. “So Rarity, my friend was wonderin’: what about two mares? Cain’t they be romantic-like?”
Rarity looked consideringly between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom before answering, “It’s not... traditional,” she said slowly, “but it’s not unheard of, darling.”
“Established gender roles in the animal kingdom don’t really apply to civilized ponies, Apple Bloom,” elucidated Twilight, “so ponies in less rural areas tend to be much more open about the kinds of intimate relationships they engage in. In fact, in rural areas, there are twenty percent--”
“Psssh, numbers,” Rainbow Dash interrupted, “c’mon Twi, don’t put her to sleep! Listen, don’t worry about all that noise right now. Live a little! I mean, you don’t even have your cu--”
“Ahem!” Applejack coughed again, shooting a venomous look full of the threat of violence at Rainbow Dash who, for once, took the hint and shut her mouth. “I think what Rainbow’s tryin’ t’say, sugar cube, is that y’got yer whole life stretchin’ out in front of ya’. If--later, y’know, much later--y’feel like y’got feelins’ for a mare or a stallion, y’can follow those feelins’. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with love; y’just gotta make sure y’all’re ready for it.”
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes in exasperation. This wasn’t going at all the way it was supposed to. Why did grownups have to be so dense sometimes? She tried a different tack, “Okay...Well sis, do you like mares? Or stallions? Or both?”
“Ooh! Both! I like both! Both is much better than just one or the other!” Pinkie chimed in. Applejack glared at her, but Pinkie had already distracted herself in telling a rather convoluted joke to Fluttershy who appeared to be gamely trying to follow it.
“Yeah, Applejack,” called Rainbow Dash from down the table, “what kinda pony do ya like?”
Just then, server ponies brought the party’s main courses, which completely derailed the conversation. Apple Bloom was frustrated with the lack of progress, but the quality of her meal made up for it. The rest of the meal passed by with Apple Bloom not pursuing the topic of love any more. It made ponies act too weird to get any straight answers from them and it was obviously making Applejack uncomfortable. She’d be much more forthcoming, Apple Bloom decided, if she were to ask her sister in private.
~*.*~
Lunch wrapped up a while later and as the ponies all got up from their seats to pay their bills--Rainbow Dash smugly announcing that she had worked out a little deal with the owner and her regarding extra rain for their garden in exchange for meals--Applejack approached Twilight Sparkle. “So, are you gonna come out to the farm to learn about plantin’ tomorrow? I wouldn’t normally ask, but I need to know ‘cuz I got a fence to mend in the pastures and I don’t wanna miss ya when ya come.”
Twilight nodded, “Yes, I’ll definitely be there! But it probably won’t be until later. I still have that new shipment of books in from Canterlot that need to be cataloged.”
“Sounds good, sugar cube. I’ll make sure to hang ‘round the barn after lunch time.” Apple Bloom caught Sweetie Belle’s eye and gave her an exaggerated wink. Her plan was coming together perfectly! “C’mon, Apple Bloom,” Applejack said, “let’s go give Big Mac a spell o’ rest, then pack up and head back to the farm. Say bye to yer friends now.”
The ponies made their goodbyes and went their separate ways. Apple Bloom hummed to herself as she skipped at her sister’s side, completely oblivious to Applejack’s worried looks. Consarn it! Applejack thought, What was all that about romance and love? Is my baby sister really growin’ up that fast? She cleared her throat, trying to work past the awkward lump in her throat, “So, ah, Apple-” she broke off as her voice squeaked and cleared her throat again. “So Apple Bloom, uh, what brought on all them questions about...uh, romance an’ all that?”
Apple Bloom blithely skipped ahead of her sister, “Oh, I’m just curious. Sweetie Belle said her sister’s always readin’ those books o’ hers and sighin’ and cryin’ and actin’ all weird. Love is really weird, sis.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” Applejack sighed, feeling relieved. “So yer not havin’ any, uh, feelins’ for, uh, somepony?”
“No!” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, “I said I was askin’ fer a friend, didn’t I?”
“Right, so ya’ did.” Applejack felt that tension in her back come back full-force, “But why’d ya ask if I was into mares?”
Apple Bloom stopped her skipping and thought back to her conversation, “But sis,” she said slowly, “I didn’t ask if you were into mares. I asked if you liked stallions or mares or both!”
Applejack cursed under her breath and winced, “Right... I plum forgot. Silly me.”
“And you never answered me!” Apple Bloom accused.
“Now just wait a gold-durned minute young filly!” Applejack drew herself up indignantly, “That’s between me, myself, and Celestia! It’s my business and none o’ your’n.”
Apple Bloom’s large golden eyes teared up at the sudden outburst, “I’m sorry sis,” she said, her voice squeaking, “I didn’t mean anythin’ by it! I just wanted to know!”
Applejack sighed and hung her head. Dang it, why’d I get so defensive all of a sudden? “No, don’t cry, Apple Bloom. I didn’t mean to cuss ya’ about it. It just ain’t really ever talked about between ponies.”
“H-how come?” Apple Bloom asked, sniffling a little.
“Shoot, I don’t know. Love’s a touchy subject, ain’t it? It’s a little like Rarity said: powerful and stirrin’.” She reached under her hat and scratched her head, “Ponies get sensitive about it. Yer big sister’s no exception, I guess.”
“But why do ponies get sensitive about it? Ain’t love a good thing?”
“Sure it is, sugar cube,” Applejack answered, a far-off look in her eyes, “but it’s also a very personal thing. D’you understand what I’m tryin’ to say?”
“I guess,” Apple Bloom looked a little disappointed. “But I still wanna know if y’like mares or stallions or both.”
Applejack shook her head, smiling at her sister’s tenacity, “Well, lemme just put it this way: ain’t never been any pony, stallion or mare, that caught my fancy. Like I told ya before, I ain’t got time for all that lovey-dovey nonsense.”
Apple Bloom nodded, letting the matter drop as they approached the stall where Big Mac was in a heated bargaining session with two stallions over the price of a dozen apples. They were trying to talk him down and he was giving them the silent treatment, which seemed to work wonders on the bargaining. They helped Big Mac wrap up the rest of the day’s sales, then packed the cart back up and hitched the now much-lighter cart up to Applejack and walked back home. Big Mac said he’d catch up to them as he still had a bit of business in Ponyville which earned him a smirk from Applejack.
Apple Bloom considered her sister’s words as she sat up in the cart. Nopony’s caught her fancy yet, huh? Well, I guess I’ll just have t’make sure Twilight catches her fancy then! Apple Bloom thought about how she could make her sister and Ponyville’s librarian fall in love until the cart’s gentle rocking along with the day’s exertions and excitements lulled her into sleep.
~*.*~