Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

by Sharaloth


Part 3: Insert Traditional Rarity Montage Song


“And then she shooed us out with a broom! Like, whoosh-whoosh-whoosh! She is totally wicked with that thing!” Dash told Applejack, acting out the scene with wide, sweeping motions of her hooves. The group of friends stood near the town hall’s stage as ponies shuffled in for the big meeting. All of them, every last one, were practically identical lavender unicorns. “I gotta get her to teach me that. Anyway, on our way back we swung by Fluttershy’s and picked her up. She was freaking out, weren’t you, Flutters?”

“I’m not–”

“Totally panicking. It’s cool, we’re all here now. How’s things been here, by the way? Any new crises or town-destroying riots?”

“Nothin’ interestin’ to report,” Applejack said, stubbornly retying her straight, dark hair in a ponytail for the fourth time since they’d gathered. “Most folks are feelin’ better, though, and that’s helped some. It seems the hurtin’ stops once you, uh, go the full Twilight.”

“I know! I can hardly believe how purple my hooves are!” Pinkie cried, bouncing in place and trying to stare at all four hooves at once. And succeeding. “It’s like I’ve been sniffing magic markers again!”

“Wait, sniffi–?”

“Lavender,” the lavender unicorn said, rolling her eyes at the ponies she had as friends. “Does nopony here know their colors? You see it too, right, Fluttershy dear?”

“I’m not–”

“Who cares what color it is, I just wanna know why I can’t do magic!” Dash said. “I’ve been totally Twilight for, like, half an hour now and I still can’t even get a spark!”

“I don’t think these horns are what you’d call functional,” Applejack said. “I still got my strength and we’ve got ponies usin’ the balloon to rescue pegasi who are stuck in their cloud homes. We’re still what we were, just lookin’ different.”

“Aw, that sucks! This just went from maybe-awesome all the way back to super-lame!”

“Look on the bright side, Dashie,” Pinkie said, bouncing to her friend's side. “You’ve got a handy horn head hanger for all your head hanging needs!”

“I don’t even know how to respond to that one,” Dash said. “So I’m gonna change the subject. The new subject is: what are we gonna tell all these ponies?”

“The truth,” Applejack supplied. “We don’t know what’s goin’ on, but we’re workin’ on it. All they gotta do is sit tight and keep calm and it’ll all go back to normal in no time.”

“That’s the truth?” the lavender unicorn snorted. “It sounds like wishful thinking.”

“Well, one way or another it’ll work out,” Applejack insisted. “Either we figure it out on our own, or word’ll eventually reach the Princesses, then they’ll figure it out for us. I figure no matter what’s goin’ on we’ll be in the clear. A week or two, no more.”

“You know, it kinda sucks that we can’t fix this stuff without Twilight, even when we are Twilight,” Dash said.

“Skillsets, dear,” the lavender unicorn said. “We all have our strengths, and solving bizarre and impossible magical conundrums is hers.”

The hung their heads in silence for a long moment.

“Um, I’m really not–”

“Citizens of Ponyville, if I could please have your attention!” the lavender unicorn who was the mayor called out from the podium. The room quieted as every set of purple eyes turned towards her. “I understand that you are all worried, but we have our best ponies working on a solution! Here to talk about that solution, our own Miss Rarity!” The mayor stepped aside and cast a hoof towards where the lavender unicorn was staring daggers at Applejack.

“What?” Applejack said with sly innocence. “We needed someone to talk, and when it came time to decide who, I said ‘one-two-three not me’. Ain’t my fault you chimed in last.”

“What about Rainbow Dash?”

“Not me!” Dash said immediately.

“And Fluttershy’s been saying it this whole time!” Pinkie added.

“I’m not–”

“I get it,” the lavender unicorn snapped with an annoyed roll of her eyes. “Very well, if it is my destiny to take the center stage and stand in the limelight of this time of crisis, then I, Rarity, will not shirk.” With a haughty flip of her mane she turned from them and strode up onto the stage, taking her place behind the podium. “Greetings everypony, you all know who I am, of course.”

“Twilight Sparkle?” a lavender joker called out from the crowd.

“Ha-ha. Very funny. Well, just for you, I am Rarity: dressmaker, shopkeeper and, along with my friends, multiple-time saviour of the world. We have faced many strange things in the past few years, and trust me, this is far from being the worst. While we still do not know what the origin of this strange transformation is, we will find a way to reverse it. Now, I will try to answer any questions you may have–”

“Is it Discord again?” a lavender unicorn shouted. The question sent murmers of worry throughout the crowd.

“I doubt it. But if it is, then Fluttershy is going to give him a very stern talking to about inappropriate pranks, won’t you dear?” The indicated lavender mare heaved a deep sigh and just shook her head in exasperation. “See? She’s already disappointed in him.”

“Could it be Changelings?”

“Now, how would that even be possible. We’ve all seen each other turn into... this. That would make everypony in this room a Changeling. And if that were the case, why would we be having this meeting at all?”

“Uh... deep cover assignments?”

The lavender unicorn just shook her head at that. “Any rational questions?”

“How are you going to fix us?” a lavender unicorn with a deep, male voice asked.

“As I said before we don’t know,” the lavender unicorn said. “Rest assured it will happen.”

“When?”

“I don’t know that either. Please, if you will all simply be calm and patient.”

“But for how long?” the demand came from several different ponies at once.

The lavender unicorn shrugged. “Sooner is better, of course, but at most it should only be a couple weeks–”

“Weeks?!” The roar that went up from the gathered lavender unicorns was deafening. Panicked shouts were exchanged, manes were pulled, hooffights broke out.

The lavender unicorn turned to her friends. “Applejack, if you please?”

Applejack obliged, putting a hoof to her mouth and letting out a piercing whistle that overpowered the din and forced every pony to stop what they were doing and listen. “Simmer down, y’all! Now, y’all know us and y’all trust us, right?” There were some half-hearted murmurs of agreement. “To remind y’all of what Rarity just said: we saved the whole dang world at least twice and Ponyville itself a few more times than that. Now, I'll ask again: do you trust us?” The agreement came louder and more certain this time. “Good. Now stay calm and don’t make a scene, ya hear?”

“Thank you, Applejack,” the lavender unicorn said, then turned back to the audience. “My fellow ponies. These have not been uninteresting times we have lived in. There have been difficulties and dangers plaguing Ponyville for years, but each time such threats have come to our doorstep, we have stepped up and sent them packing! Yes, this affliction is frightening, but I can think of several things off the top of my head that were far worse."

"Dragons!" a lavender unicorn called out from the crowd.

"Parasprites!" another lavender unicorn added.

"Pinkie Pies!" a lavender chorus chimed in.

The lavender unicorn smiled. "Quite so. And in the end have we not always come through?” A sound of agreement. “This distasteful transformation is merely that: distasteful. It has not hurt us beyond a day of headache, it has not taken from us our minds or our cutie marks. It is, as far as we can tell, just very, very annoying. Surely we ponies can manage to live with such annoyance for a few measly weeks? Which is, I’ll remind you, the worst case scenario. Tell me, my little ponies, are we not stronger than that? Better?” The lavender unicorn looked out over her audience and saw that her words were sinking in. “I say we are. What say you?”

The cheer that went up sent a shiver of warmth through the lavender unicorn. She beamed back at them and soaked in the adulation. Finally the noise died down and a hoof was raised. “Yes? What is your question?”

“Um, how are we going to tell each other apart?” a lavender unicorn asked.

“Well, by our cutie marks, of course,” the lavender unicorn replied.

“Um, no offense, but not all of us have unique cutie marks.”

“What do you mean by that?” the lavender unicorn asked. “Your cutie mark is absolutely unique, it shows that you have found what makes you special.”

“Yeah, and it looks like a lot of ponies have what makes me special,” the lavender unicorn replied, turning to show her flank adorned with an image of a golden harp.

“Lyra please,” the lavender unicorn said. “We all know who you are.”

“Obviously not. I’m not Lyra,” the mare replied. A half-dozen other ponies gathered around her and also turned, showing off their almost identical cutie marks. “See?”

The lavender unicorn paused, mouth agape and taken aback. “Oh dear,” she managed to say. She turned to her friends. “Girls, we have a problem.”

"Yes you do! And like I was saying I'm not–"

“Got you covered, sister!” Pinkie Pie said, kicking the wall. An entire section of the town hall wall rotated to display a bank of shelves containing drinks, ice, small sandwiches, five board games, record player with a selection of records, assorted glow sticks, two barrels confetti, five varieties of cookies, a polar bear, ten containers of glitter, four rolls of streamers, a dozen feathered masquerade masks, a set of stackable shot glasses, a banjo adorned with flame decals and finally name tags and markers. Above it all was a banner sign that read: ‘Pinkie’s Emergency Town Hall Surprise Mixer And/Or Rave Party Stash – Ssshh! Don’t Tell!’

“Yes, Pinkie, that will do nicely,” the lavender unicorn said.

“When was that installed?” the mayor asked in incredulous shock. “And why didn’t anypony tell me?”

“Well, duh,” Pinkie said. “It say’s ‘don’t tell’ right there!”

“I’ll need a list of everypony in town, a table and a chair,” the lavender unicorn snapped out. “Everypony else, line up! You’re getting name tags!”

***

"It seems appropriate to start with you," the lavender unicorn said to the first pony in line. "I'm terribly sorry about mistaking you for Lyra."

"That was me!" another lavender unicorn called out from slightly farther back in the line.

The lavender unicorn shot an annoyed look at the line, already unable to tell which harp-flanked lavender unicorn had spoken. "Fine. I suppose you're not Lyra either?" The first pony in line shook her head. "Great. Is anypony here actually Lyra?" the lavender unicorn called out. There were a lot of ponies looking at each other, and no pony speaking up. "Of course," the lavender unicorn sighed, sinking into her chair and throwing up her hooves in exasperation. "Why would I expect anything else?"

***

“Oh, you poor dear,” the lavender unicorn cooed as a blank-flanked pony came up to the desk. She fidgeted and looked around nervously as she approached, and the lavender unicorn’s heart went out to her. “Are your parents around?” The pony shook their head. “Did you come here alone?” A nod. “Are they all right?” A shrug. “Oh, well then. Why don’t you tell me your name and we can find out?” The pony stared blankly at the lavender unicorn. “Can’t you tell me your name, dear?” The pony fidgeted, cheeks reddening in embarrassment as she failed to meet the lavender unicorn’s eyes. “Can you just tell me your name? Pretty please? For me?”

“Iron Will would rather not say.”

***

“There you go, Snowflake. Now so long as you wear that nopony will mistake you for... ah, Heavyweight, Roid Rage or Twinkle-Toes.”

Yeah!”

“I’m glad too. Next!”

“Hello, Miss Rarity,” the lavender unicorn with the half-apple cutie mark said.

“Why, Big McIntosh! I’m glad to see you’re mobile again.”

“Eeyup,” the stallion-turned-mare said with a friendly smile.

“You seem to be taking all this admirably well.”

“Nnope.”

“Ah, panicking on the inside, are you?”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said without a hint of said panic, then gestured to the three unicorns following him. “Found these three loitering outside. They need some name tags.”

“Hi, Rarity,” one lavender mare said in a very recognizable voice.

“Sweetie, I thought I told you to stay in the boutique?” the lavender unicorn admonished.

“But I’m feeling fine now! And it’s not like anything dangerous is going on!” Sweetie Belle protested.

“Wait an hour,” the lavender unicorn grumbled. “Lavender riots, I swear. Anyways, I suppose these two are your little cohorts in calamity?”

“Yeah, this is awesome!” Scootaloo said. “I mean, I’m too big for my scooter right now, but this is still so cool!”

“I can reach the top shelf!” Apple Bloom crowed.

“This opens so many opportunities for us!” Sweetie Belle added.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Twilight Impersonators!” they chanted in unison.

“Wait’ll cousin Babs hears about this!” Apple Bloom said as the three of them pranced around each other in excitement, shouting 'yes!' over and over again.

Big Mac gave the lavender unicorn a pointed look. “Of course," she said, quickly grabbing three tags and a trio of colored markers. "Nametags. Immediately!”

***

“So that’s everypony,” the lavender unicorn sighed. “And every donkey and minotaur too, I guess.”

“Excuse me!” a lavender unicorn with a butterfly cutie mark asked, a little more curtly than the lavender unicorn would have expected.

“What is it, Fluttershy dear?”

“Could I get a nametag please?”

“Oh, darling, you don’t need a nametag.”

“Um, yes, yes I do.”

“No, dear, you don’t. I’ve checked, there’s no other pony in Ponyville with your cutie mark.”

The lavender unicorn with the butterfly cutie mark sighed. “Take a look at my flank. What do you see?”

"A butterfly, dear, of course."

"How many butterflies?"

"One, but..." the lavender unicorn trailed off. "One butterfly. But Fluttershy has..."

"Three."

“But you’re...” the lavender unicorn paused, a sinking suspicion worming its way through her guts. “I should have learned my lesson with the Lyra clones. You’re not Fluttershy are you?”

“I’m her cousin!” the lavender unicorn who was absolutely not Fluttershy said, stomping a hoof on the desk in anger. “Which I’ve been trying to tell you all afternoon! But you keep talking over me! Do you do this to Fluttershy? Do you not even recognize her cutie mark? Because if that is how much you think of her I can’t believe she’s still friends with you!”

“No, we're usually much better with her,” the lavender unicorn said. “But you were the only one at Fluttershy’s house? Where is she?”

“She went out with some other friend of hers. I was tired after helping her with her animals all morning, so I stayed behind to rest and turned into this! Then you came and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise!”

“Huh. Well, I deeply apologize for the actions of myself and my friends. That was insensitive and boorish of us.”

Fluttershy's lavender unicorn cousin took a deep breath to calm herself and backed off. “Apology accepted.”

“Thank you, I hope we redeem ourselves in your eyes. I shall treat you to a spa visit and we can be introduced properly. Unfortunately it shall have to wait until this crisis has passed, I'm sure you understand."

"I do, I just hope this is taken care of quickly."

"We all do, dear, we all do." The lavender unicorn sighed, rubbing a hoof against her temple. "Actually, I do have a question for you, if I may."

"Alright."

"This friend of Fluttershy's, the one she left with, who was it?”

***

Well outside of town there was a peculiar picnic going on. The picnic cloth was dancing with the basket, and the food was fighting over who got to be eaten first. Flower petals played tiny instruments as woodland critters wrote their manifestos. The bearer of Kindness and the spirit of Chaos sipped at their tea and talked about all the pleasant things people talk about when on picnics.

“Fluttershy, I just want to thank you again for believing in me,” Discord said, pouring his tea sideways into a squirrel. “In all the infinite time I’ve been alive I don’t think anyone has ever done that for me before.”

“It wasn’t anything special,” Fluttershy said, squirming in her upside down chair as it tried to hug her. “I’m just glad you were able to see how much better friendship is and turn yourself around.”

“Oh, I know. Even after thousands of years trapped in stone I didn’t get it, but you showed me the way.” Discord wiped a tear from his eye, flinging it into the brawling bushes where it detonated into a cheesepuff monocle. “All that time being evil and alone. I just never realized that what I really needed was a good alibi.”

“A what?”

“Friend. A good friend.”

***

“I’ll destroy him!” the lavender unicorn raged.

“Whoa there! Ain’t nothin’ we can do about it now,” Applejack said, bodily holding her down.

“Yeah, we don’t even have any evidence it was Discord who did all this,” Rainbow Dash added.

“Evidence? I need no evidence! I am perfectly willing to do this without it!”

“What’s the fuss, Rarity?” Applejack asked. “I mean, even if it is him, this ain’t no world-endin’ thing. Fluttershy’ll talk to him about it and he won’t do it again. End of story.”

“Oh no! He’s not getting away that easily! Have you seen my mane?”

“Uh, yeah, we all have exactly the same mane now,” Dash said.

“Yes! How am I supposed to come up with a unique and fetching coiffure for all of us? Twilight’s hair does exactly one thing! One! Thing! I don’t have enough dark fabrics and anything bright will clash and I can’t have things clashing, Applejack! I will not have it! This is all his fault! I am going to go insane and that is exactly what he wants!” True to her words a few strands of her mane sprang out in weird haphazard curls. “Oh, and that’s just perfect! Where’s my brush?”

“Uh, guys, I think Rarity’s gone bye-bye,” Dash said.

“Please, Rainbow Dash, I have not gone anywhere,” the lavender unicorn said with a little laugh. “I am simply, finally, able to channel all my hard-hoarded aggression on a single, plausible target. A target that I will hunt down, find, and then kick his teeth in. And force him to wear mango stockings! Then we’ll see how he likes it!”

“Eyup, she’s done,” Applejack said, sitting on the lavender unicorn. “Well, at least the town’s been sorted and we’ve got a likely culprit. I don’t think–”

“Oh! Oh! Let me! Let me!” Pinkie cried, bouncing excitedly.

“Let you what?” Applejack asked.

“Let me say it!”

Applejack looked at Rainbow Dash, who shrugged, then down at the lavender unicorn, who glared up at her and folded her forelegs under her head. Applejack rolled her eyes at her recalcitrant friend and looked back to Pinkie. “All right, sugarcube. Say whatever it is you want to say.”

Pinkie cleared her throat, then took out a breath-freshening spray and gave her mouth a couple spritzes. Then she stretched out all her legs and her neck, one at a time. Then she jogged on the spot for a bit. Then she started some singing warm-up exercises.

“Get on with it!” Dash demanded.

“Yes, do please get on with it,” the lavender unicorn added.

“Get on with it!” the lavender crowd shouted.

“Oh, all right,” Pinkie said, then struck a dramatic pose. “I don’t think anything else can go wrong!”

There was a long moment of silence. Then Rainbow Dash dropped her face into her hoof. “Seriously?”

***

“That’s at least ten,” Spike said as he lowered the binoculars. “Most are gathered around the town hall. Different cutie marks on each of them.”

Twilight Sparkle narrowed her eyes, looking out over the town of Ponyville from the crest of a hill. Her wings were spread wide, but her crown felt heavy this day. “I had hoped that it was all over, that the last of this had been taken care of back in Canterlot. But now I see the infection has spread here, to my home and the homes of my friends. As Equestria’s newest princess I cannot let this stand.” She turned to the gathered troops behind her, their armor scored and scorched by magic and battle. “Ponyville is under assault! You’ve seen what this has done to our beloved capital of Canterlot! Now we must save this town!” The soldiers gazed up at her with worried, but determined eyes. “You have been through much, and no doubt there will be more horror to come, but you will prevail! For Ponyville! For the Princesses! For Equestria!”

“Equestria!” came the roaring cheer from the assembled forces.

Twilight turned back to Spike. “Hopefully this will be the last of it.”

“Yeah, until you poke something else shiny,” Spike snarked.

“Look,” Twilight said, exasperated. “I told you I’ve sworn off magic mirrors, pools, shields or any reflective device of any kind! And really, how was I supposed to know?”

“I dunno, the great big carved warning on the wall that you didn’t bother to read first?”

“Shut up and grab your sword, Spike,” Twilight grumbled. “Alright, soldiers! Take out any purple unicorn you find!”

“Lavender!” a distant cry corrected.

“Whatever,” Twilight replied. She magically hefted a massive sword glowing with eldritch runes. “There can be only one. Charge!”