//------------------------------// // ⒸⓂⒸ // Story: Obama Goes to Equestria // by a human //------------------------------// "What happened to your eye?" Mayor Mayor asked. "Oh, I, uh, tripped," Obama lied. "I fell down the stairs in the library." Mayor Mayor eyed him. "Come on, you can tell me the truth," she said. "I've seen you go in the library. Twilight's abusing you, isn't she? She hit you with a hard left hook, didn't she?" She paused, narrowing her eyes. Then she started laughing. "Just kidding! Like that could ever happen!" Obama laughed nervously. That was exactly what had happened. "Anyways, I have mayor stuff to do," she said, which totally didn't mean embezzling or drugs or embezzling drugs. "Would you mind looking after the Cutie Mark Crusaders today?" "What?" "Well, no one else in the town is open, and you're reliable enough," she said. "Reliable enough?" "Well, you aren't Rainbow Dash." Obama couldn't argue with that. – – – – "You're looking after us today?" Scootaloo asked, clearly incredulous. "Yes, yes I am," Obama replied. "Someone has to protect you little kids from death, pedophiles, and Rainbow Dash, right?" "You kidding? If anything happens to us, they'll have to deal with my sister," Sweetie Belle said. The group looked at her in confusion. "Rarity?" Obama asked, just making sure. "That's right," Sweetie Belle replied. "She's got a black belt in karate." "Your sister," Apple Bloom said, too utterly dumbfounded for a question mark. "Think about it," Sweetie Belle said. "Whenever someone is talking about my sister, what do they usually say next?" Scootaloo thought about it. "…'I want to kill that bitch.' " "Exactly." The gang thought about that for a bit. "Makes sense to me," Obama said. "But if I look after you guys, I don't have to work today, so I'm still going to do that." "Works for me!" Apple Bloom said, then inhaled. "GETTING PEOPLE OUT OF WORK CUTIE MARKS GO!" they all screamed. "What?" Obama asked, confused. "Oh, it's this thing they do," Sweetie Belle groaned. "She's just mad because robots can't get cutie marks," Scootaloo said. Sweetie Belle was beyond caring. "I'm happy enough with my lasers and machine guns, thank you very much," she lied. "No, I meant what is a cutie mark?" Obama asked. The Crusaders stared at him, dumbfounded. "To the clubhouse!" Scootaloo yelled. – – – – "You've been in Equestria this long and you don't know what a cutie mark is!?" Scootaloo said. "Did you think everyone here just happened to have a tattoo on their butt!?" Apple Bloom yelled. "After everything else that's happened here," Obama said, "yes!" "Didn't they teach you stuff like this when you came here?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Sort of, but it wasn't very extensive," Obama replied. "Obviously." "They just showed me what the pony species were on some projector that was powered by Cthulhu." "The state of education these days!" Sweetie Belle said, the closest Obama came to agreeing with someone in Rarity's family. The Crusaders procured a poster out of nowhere and planted Obama in front of it. "Okay, they told you not to call ponies by other species right?" Apple Bloom said. "Or you'll…" "…get pony shanked, yes, we went over that." "That happened to me once," Scootaloo said. "Yeah, I saw that! Her head went flying!" Apple Bloom said. Scootaloo began drawing a quite unnecessary picture of herself being decapitated in crayon. Obama reeled. "Wait, how—" "Just don't ask," Sweetie Belle suggested. Obama clearly didn't grasp her point, because he proceeded to ask, "And just what is Pinkie Pie anyways? No one would tell me that." Everyone thought about that for a bit. "Pinkie Pie was inside me once," Scootaloo said, missing the double entendre. "I'm still trying to figure out what happened, but I'm pretty sure I died." "Anyway," Apple Bloom said, spotting the double entendre and jumping to typically raunchy conclusions, "none of us know what Pinkie Pie is." "Okay, we're getting sidetracked, can we talk about cutie marks like we were planning to!?" Sweetie Belle said. "Fine," Scootaloo replied. She started drawing a crude stick figure pony on the poster. "Here, we have Exhibit A, a pony without a cutie mark." "Okay," Obama said. "Because of that, he just wanders around aimlessly, with no purpose in life." She gave the stick pony a sad face. "Okay," Obama said, hoping at some point she would start answering questions instead of begetting more. "But then one day he discovers he's really good at making candy! It's almost like he's naturally good at it!" She tried to turn the sad face into a happy face with a red crayon. It ended up looking like the Joker, so she just went all the way and gave it green hair too. "So he gets a cutie mark that looks like a piece of candy, and he's destined to make candy for the rest of his life." She drew what, with much interpretation, could be seen as a couple pieces of candy on the stick pony's rear end. "Make sense?" "So, if I understand this right," Obama said, who was pretty sure he didn't, "when ponies discover what they are good at, they get a cutie mark representing it, and from then on, that's what they are destined to spend their lives doing." "That's right." "Then I have a couple questions." "Shoot," Scootaloo said, tempting fate like usual. "What happens when they try doing something else?" Scootaloo snorted. "They suck at it." "Yeah, like this one time Applejack tried starting a pear farm," Apple Bloom said. "Long story short, there used to be another town next to Ponyville." "So what happens if someone's special talent is something like… killing people. Or exploding. What then?" "Celestia recruits them," Scootaloo said. Obama blinked. "Excuse me?" Scootaloo looked at him like he was an idiot. "How do you think they find people for the royal guard?" Obama made a mental note that reinforcements would be key in defeating Celestia and proceeded to his final question. "Okay then," he said, sure he had them cornered, "then explain Rarity." The crusaders stared at him. "What?" "Her cutie mark is of three diamonds, she's employed as a seamstress, and her special talent appears to be annoying people," Obama said. "Explain that." The crusaders thought about that a bit. "The diamonds represent her being good at finding gems, right?" Scootaloo said. "Yeah, but she only uses those in her outfits once in a while," Sweetie Belle said. "Let's pretend for a moment," Apple Bloom said, "that annoying people doesn't have anything to do with her special talent." "No, let's keep that part in," Sweetie Belle said. "Maybe it's symbolic for something," Apple Bloom said. "Symbolic?" Scootaloo said. "Symbolic for what?" "Her getting rich and blingy, I don't know!" Apple Bloom yelled. At this, they started arguing, and Obama had to cover all their mouths to get them to stop. Once again, it required an artful combination of his hands and feet. "Okay, when I let go, you all have to calm down, okay?" Obama got out. "Because I don't know how much longer I can hold this pose." "Mmmph," Scootaloo grumbled through Obama's foot. He let go. They were calm. "Okay," he sighed, "let's just agree that Rarity is an abomination and leave it at that." "No, Pinkie Pie is an abomination," Apple Bloom said. "Let's just call Rarity a… a…" "Idiot," Sweetie Belle said. "Deal," Obama said. The group was awkwardly silent for a bit. "So, about cutie marks," Scootaloo said, trying to steer things back on topic. "That's why we're called the cutie Mark Crusaders! We're searching the world for our special talents!" Apple Bloom yelled. "So you can get a picture of it on your butt and fail at everything else for the rest of your life," Obama said. "That's right!" Apple Bloom replied. The group was even more awkwardly silent for a bit. "Well," Obama said, choosing to drop any pretense of subtlety, "how would you like cutie marks in overthrowing the government?" "Sounds exciting!" Scootaloo said. Her and Apple Bloom fist bumped, except with their hooves, because this totally isn't secretly an anthro story. "What would that even look like?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Like an American flag." "A what?" Obama gaped. What kind of education did they have here? "It's the flag of my country, one of the largest countries in the human world," he said. "I thought you had some classes in basic human history." "We do, but it was about as detailed what you got on us," Scootaloo replied. "They never tell us the good parts." "Yeah, like how did you get here?" Sweetie Belle asked. "No one knows," Obama replied. "They're still trying to figure out how humans are—" "No, I mean how you got here," Sweetie Belle said. "Yeah, yeah, tell us!" Apple Bloom said. "Please?" Scootaloo pleaded. They all put on their best puppy dog eyes. "Fine," Obama said, caving, but not, as most bronies would, suffering a random heart attack. "I was doing this promotional event with an actor. Have any of you ever seen Walker Texas Ranger?" They looked at him in confusion. "Well, anyways, it was with the lead actor in that. The event was just starting, he started doing one of his signature roundhouse kicks, and next thing I knew I was in the Everfree Forest." Apple Bloom looked pensive. "Walker Texas Ranger… actor… roundhouse kicks… Chuck Norris!? You were with Chuck Norris!?" "Yes, why?" Apple Bloom looked at Obama in awe. "Isn't he like, a deity in your world!?" "I heard he raises the sun, just like Celestia!" Sweetie Belle said. "I heard he can enter your dreams, just like Luna!" Scootaloo said. "And he actually leaves your dreams, unlike Luna!" Obama facepalmed. "No, that's just someone trying to pull a fast one on you. He's just an actor." "Are you sure?" Apple Bloom said. "Because according to you, he roundhouse kicked you to Equestria!" Obama about that for a bit. "Nah, that can't be. He wasn't around the other humans when they came here." He paused. "At least, I don't think he was." He paused, desperately trying to justify this. "Besides, his kick never connected with me. We were on opposite ends of the room." "I don't think that would stop Chuck Norris," Apple Bloom said ominously. "Let's talk about something else, why don't we?" Obama asked, able to overcome being raped by a pony or being roundhouse kicked to Equestria but not both at the same time. – – – – "Do you realize how creepy that is?" Rarity asked. "What?" Rainbow Dash replied, looking away from the pair of binoculars and microphone she had pointed at the Cutie Mark Crusader's hideout. "Creepy? This totally isn't creepy. I'm just… making sure nothing bad is happening to them!" "Oh, I beg to differ," Rarity said. "Girls?" By some contrived coincidence, the rest of the mane six happened to be there. Rarity pointed at Rainbow Dash and her monitoring equipment. "Is this creepy?" "Yes," they all said, except for Fluttershy, who admonished Rainbow Dash for not even having a candid shower photo collection yet, and Pinkie Pie, who helpfully pointed out that there were no corpses. "Why are you so obsessed with Scootaloo, anyways!?" Twilight asked. "If I can't prove that I'm good with kids, I'll never move up in society!" Twilight groaned. "Oh, right, that bullshit." Rainbow Dash looked back into her binoculars and, noticing the Cutie Mark Crusaders were leaving the hideout, spotted her chance. "Okay, nice talk, gotta go, guys!" She packed up her equipment and fluttered over to Obama. "Well, that was weird," Rarity said. "Anyone else want to get Applejack's cider?" "I know I want to," Applejack said. They all started walking away, but not before Fluttershy stopped Twilight and invited her to her house. "Aw, you don't have to," Twilight said. "What's the occasion?" Fluttershy said it was to return a book, and totally not a hastily made excuse to rape Twilight. "Looks like I've got nothing to worry about, then!" Twilight said, and the two headed off. – – – – Obama looked over the Cutie Mark Crusaders, distracted only by an annoying wing flapping next to his head. "So?" Rainbow Dash whispered into his ear. "Did she buy it?" "What?" Obama looked at Scootaloo. "What happened to your restraining order?" "If I'm not talking to her, it should be fine. Anyway, did she? Did she buy it?" "Buy what?" "You know… the Applejack thing…" Obama groaned. "What you think?" Obama replied, motioning towards his black eye. "She punched me in the face." Rainbow Dash blinked. "What? Seriously?" She got closer to Obama. "Do you know what this means?" "She didn't think it was funny?" "It means," Rainbow Dash was almost whispering now, "she's got a crush on you." Obama backed away. "Don't be ridiculous," he said, choosing to be fine with being in a world full of cartoon horses, but drawing the line at one of them loving him for some reason. "We aren't even the same species." "Well, Twilight is known to be… a deviant," Rainbow Dash said, licking her lips. Obama desperately wanted to end this conversation. "Okay, I just made that up, but really, you should go for it!" Rainbow Dash said. "You're a convicted criminal. Forgive me if I don't follow your advice," Obama replied, and left. "What was that about?" Scootaloo asked. "Rainbow Dash trying to give me relationship advice," Obama said. Scootaloo stared at him. "You turned it down, right?" "Of course," Obama said. "Can't anyone see that, especially after Rarity, I'm not interested in ponies?" Obama looked at Sweetie Belle. "No offense." "None taken," she replied, eager at any chance to disassociate herself with Rarity. They all walked home. Nothing exciting happened. Nothing at all. This paragraph is not lying at all. – – – – "Twilight!" Spike said. "Letter from the Princess!" "What is it this time?" Twilight groaned, snatching the scroll from Spike. She unrolled it to reveal two tickets and a letter that said nothing but "have fun" in large letters accompanied by a doodle of Celestia sticking her tongue out. "This stopped being funny, like, the third time," Twilight said, facehoofing. "She knows I have four friends and Rarity, so why can't she just send six tickets!?" Then Twilight got an idea.