“NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!” Yelled the stallion in the big red hat, flanked by his two cronies, much to the confusion of Spike and Rarity.
“Umm, excuse me, can I help you three?” Rarity asked, her tone clearly displaying her thoughts on how rude it was for a trio of strangely clad stallions to come bursting through her door without knocking. Spike just stood beside her with his mouth gaping, he wasn’t sure if this was a prank or not, but if it was, it was a pretty good one, but his shock kept him from laughing.
Either the stallion in the hat didn’t hear Rarity, or he chose to ignore her, for he continued on with his speech, while the other two sneered at her and Spike.
“Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise.” He appeared to be stumbling over his words.
“Our two weapons,” he emphasized, ‘are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency, oh, three, three weapons,” he stumbled, “are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to Celestia, oh Four, now…” He held up his legs and looked down as he tried to compose himself.
“Amongst our weaponry…” he began, only to pause again.
During this pause Spike and Rarity looked at each other to see if the other knew what the hay was going on. Confusion was prevalent on their faces, so that answered both of their unspoken questions.
“Amongst our weaponry,” the robed stallion began again, causing Spike and Rarity to look back, “Are such diverse elements as fear, surpr… I’ll come in again.” The one with the hat then shepherded the one with the hood and the one with the aviator helmet back outside and slammed the door.
Alone again in the boutique, the young dragon and the fashion pony stood looking at the door in silence. It was broken when Rarity asked the million dollar question.
“What in the name of Celestia was that all about?”
“I have no idea!” exclaimed Spike, because how else would he answer an unanswerable question.
“But Spike, you said something about those Spanish Inquiry stallions or whatever they’re called right before they showed up.” Rarity thought for a moment after saying this.
“Spike, are you playing some sort of strange practical joke on me?”
“No Rarity, I swear, I had no idea that they would show up!” He defended himself.
“But how in the world did you know who they were then?”
“Because they look exactly like the drawing of these stallions in Twilight’s history book…But that can’t be them, that was over a thousand years ago,” Spike added.
“Well it would certainly explain their uncouth fashion choices. I mean seriously, red robes on a stallion? Oh, how tasteless!” She scrunched her eyes in disgust at the thought of that fashion trend making a comeback. “Not to mention their strange choice in headwear, why would they wear such…” Rarity continued complaining (not whining mind you) but Spike didn’t hear the rest, instead he was looking out the window beside the door. The Spanish Inquisition ponies were all standing there looking at the door intently, as if they were waiting for something.
“Ummm….Rarity,” Spike tried to get the fashionista’s attention, while not taking his eyes off the trio.
“…I will certainly have to ask if Celestia can ban such crimes against fashion…” she rambled on
“Rarity!” Spike shouted with more force.
“…also get rid of fruit hats and, huh? What is it Spike?” Spike pointed to the window at the robed zealots.
“Well, the one in the hat did say they would come in again, but I don’t think I’ll give them the chance.” She locked the door with her magic. “There, now Spike, I don’t want to sound rude, but you’re sure this isn’t a joke of yours.”
Spike looked her in the eyes, “No Rarity, I Pinkie Swear I didn’t set this up.” He then went through the motions of Pinkie Pie’s verbal contract.
She smiled and rubbed his head spines, “OK Spikey, I believe you.” She smiled down at him and he returned it with his own. “I’m sorry, it just seemed too much of a coincidence that those weirdos barged in right after you said you didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.”
The door then was slammed open with such force that it broke the lock and startled both Spike and Rarity.
“My door!,” Rarity screamed as the red trio then ran in once more with the same ominous music indicating their arrival. Spike briefly wondered where that music was even coming from before the leader spoke.
“NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!”
“You are going to pay for that door you ruffians!,” Rarity yelled, but just like before, the stallion continued without acknowledgement.
“Amongst our,” He paused briefly, “Weaponry!..Are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to Celestia…” He emphasized each element as if he were counting them down in his head. He then quickly added “And nice red uniforms, OH DAMNIT!!!
Rarity gasped and then scolded the stallion. “Please, watch your language sir, there is a young dragon and a lady present!” Again she was ignored as the frustrated pony turned to the one in the aviator helmet.
“I can’t say it, you’ll have to say it,” he said in a loud whisper.
“What?,” the goggled pony said in surprise.
“You’ll have to say the bit about what our chief weapons are,” he explained.
Taken aback the helmeted one humbly said, “Oh I couldn’t do that.”
The leader of the trio then proceeded to push the other two outside the broken door which angered Rarity.
“Come back here this instant and pay for the damage you caused to my property!,” She shouted, but to no avail. The Inquisition slammed the broken door shut and waited once more on the other side.
“Oh for the love of…grrr,” Rarity facehoofed, then used her magic and proceeded to stack all the heavy items in the room against the door, including her fainting couch, mannequins, and Opalescence.
“We are not going through that again.” Turning to the cat she said “Opal, I need you to be a good kitty and guard this door from home invaders. They say they are from Spain, but their accents sound more Trottingham if you ask me.” The cat replied by just hissing and curling up on the couch. Turning to the still confused as Tartarus dragon she commanded “Spike, take a letter to the Princess and ask for a few guards to come take these cretins away.”
Spike snapped out of his confused daze and replied “Got it.” He then proceeded to use Rarity’s writing desk and got as far as
Dear Princess Celestia,
Please send guards to Rarity’s house, the Spanish Inquisition…
before Rarity added, “And whatever you do Spike, don’t summon them by saying ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.’”
The front door once more exploded inwards sending all the barrier materials flying, along with a screeching Opal. The sudden noise startled Spike who unleashed his teleport flames, sending the letter before it was finished. The music played once more as the crazy stallions ran in again.
Spike looked at Rarity in frustration. She had a sheepish grin on as she said “Oops.”
The pony with the aviator helmet on now stood in the middle as he stumbled out nervously
“Umm, uh… uh…Nopony, um…
“Expects.” The leader whispered to him
“Expects, yes, Nopony Expects the, ummm, Spanish, ummm….”
“Inquisition,” the one in the hat said frustrated.
The aviator turned towards him, “I know I know…”
Again Spike and Rarity were left speechless by the confusion and apparent stupidity of these weird ponies, and they couldn’t help but watch and listen.
The aviator continued, “Nopony Expects the Spanish Inquisition!” His confidence seemed to rise, “In fact those who do..” he was interrupted by the frustrated leader again.
“Our chief weapons are~”
“Our chief weapons are, ummm….uhhhh….”
“Surprise!”
“Surprise, ummm….”
“That’s it, Stop there, stop there, stop there!!! The one in the big red hat couldn’t take it anymore, he cut the aviator off and once more stood in front.
“Our chief weapon is surprise, blah blah blah blah blah,” he said with a roll of his hoof as he tried to wrap everything up.
“Alright, this has gone on long enough, you explain yourselves immediately! What do you want? Why are you here?!” A fed up Rarity bellowed before they could continue.
The leader with the hat finally looked at Rarity with a sneer.
“Right, Cardinal,” he looked to the hooded pony who until that point had been silent, “read the charges.”
The hooded one then walked forth and unrolled a scroll, and then proceeded to speak with a bad Prench accent that was so silly, it made Spike start chuckling to himself. Even Rarity was taken aback by this stallions speech, but never the less, the things he spoke were unbelievable.
“You are hereby charged that you did on this day commit heresy against her holiness of the sun, Princess Celestia.” He then rolled up the scroll and began dancing strangely while mumbling.
“That’s enough!” The leader scolded and the hooded one promptly stopped his dance.
It was at this point that Spike just lost it and began full on laughing, his confusion only fueling the flames of the humor. Rarity however looked shocked. The one in the hat then looked straight at Rarity and spoke to her directly for the first time.
“Now, how do you plead?”
“I did no such thing, I am an element of harmony, why would I go against Celestia herself? I am innocent of those ridiculous charges!” She said with conviction.
The Spanish Inquisition members then proceeded to laugh in what Rarity thought to herself as bad Diabolical Laughter.
“HA! HA.. HA HA HA!” Their horrible laughing only increased Spike’s laughter, which they ignored.
“We’ll soon…change your MIND…about that!” “With fear surprise and ruthless efficiency oooooooo!” The leader said with wild hand gestures.
Rarity then curled her lip in disgust, “What Diabolical Acting! It’s as if he’s channeling Christopher Trotten, but without the charm,” she thought to herself.
The Leader then addressed the robed aviator “Cardinal, fetch…THE RACK!!!!”
Rarity gasped in shock, she knew what a rack was, did these strange stallions plan on torturing her? Spike even stopped laughing and stood up in front of Rarity with his claws balled into fists.
“Don’t worry Rarity! I won’t let them hurt you, they’ll have to go…through…me…first? Huh?”
The confusion in Spike’s voice came from what the helmeted one produced from under his robes. It was a dishwashing rack with a string tied to it.
“Right,” the head zealot continued, “tie her down.”
Spike couldn’t help it, he fell to the floor and began laughing like never before. The situation was so silly, so ridiculous, so funny that he couldn’t help himself. He wouldn’t be able to save Rarity from their “torture” even if he tried. Rarity on the other hand didn’t react as Spike had since the hooded one and the aviator invaded her personal space.
“I say, unhoof me sir, My word is this rude, DON’T TOUCH ME THERE! Spike, help!...” She continued to complain as they tied the dishwashing rack around her neck and chest while Spike continued rolling on the floor laughing. Once the rack was successfully tied to Rarity, the leader spoke to her once more.
“Right, How do you plead?”
“Innocent you madstallion! And I demand you get this disgusting piece of plastic off of me. I seriously doubt it is clean. Spike, please stop laughing!” Spike didn’t.
“HA! Right! Cardinals…Give the Rack a turn!” The other two then began twisting their hooves around in circles on either side and cackling evily.
“Confess Dress Lady, Confess!” their leader shouted.
“Ok now this really makes me worried on a number of levels,” She said with both exasperation and worry.
Suddenly all three stopped moving and tensed up at the same time which startled Rarity. It was as if each of them could sense something that she could not. The underlings looked at their leader with knowing eyes as he said
“Oh bugger, someone’s about to say it. Right lads, let’s go!
They then proceeded to run towards the door before the hooded one asked “What about the rack?”
“No time!,” shouted the leader as he ran out the door, “grab those soft cushions! Hurry!”
The hooded one and the aviator both took a cushion from Rarity’s couch, which she vocalized her protest for, before running out the door and slamming it shut. This was the last straw for the battered door as it fell off its hinges and fell to the floor.
“Oh for Celestia’s Sake!” Rarity screamed in frustration. She then glared at the still laughing dragon as she tried to undo the knots holding the rack against her body. When Spike’s laughter subsided, his sides hurt. He couldn’t wait to tell Twilight that she had been worrying about nothing, even if he couldn’t explain why they were in this current time period. When he saw Rarity’s face though he felt a little guilty.
“Heh, heh, sorry about that,” he sheepishly replied.
“Spike~ why didn’t you stop them, what if they had tried to do something unspeakable to me?” She whined (It was whining this time).
“If they had tried anything like that, then I would’ve saved you Rarity, you can trust me on that,” he replied while puffing out his chest. “But I seriously doubt those bozos are even capable of harming anything.” He then proceeded to laugh again.
“Tell that to my door,” Rarity replied with a sigh. Then she became aware that the Spanish Inquisition weren’t waiting outside anymore. Where had they gone she wondered, and where had they taken her cushions?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Outside of Ponyville three red robed ponies ran down the road as if Timberwolves were chasing them. They were heading for a two story house near a big red barn in the middle of a sea of Apple Trees.