//------------------------------// // Hard Heads // Story: A Filly's Guide to Not Making Headlines // by Bradel //------------------------------// The last light of the setting sun slanted through the windows of the Apple family barn – but instead of glittering off straw-dust like it would on any other night, this evening the sunlight illuminated the tall columns and sparkling tiles of a Canterlot palace facsimile. How Pinkie could find such convincing decorations on such short notice, Rarity would probably never understand. But find them she did, and even better, Pinkie had been perfectly content to help set up this party without sticking around to see it through. Pinkie didn’t seem to find the idea of party practice one tenth so interesting as the party itself. Applejack, on the other hoof, was set on seeing what her barn was being used for. She stood off in the corner, chewing on a stalk of tassled prairie-grass and watching the proceedings with barely concealed amusement. A small index card, covered back and front with neat hoofwriting, floated through the air toward a little orange pegasus wearing a miniature suit of armor. Rarity coughed daintily to catch the attention of her audience. “Now, Scootaloo, you will play the role of General Eaglebeak, the commander of the Griffonstani Air Corps. Your job tonight is to assess whether Equestria poses any threat to your country and your country’s ambitions. Remember, there have been recent reports suggesting that the princesses have developed a newfound taste for military adventurism. You’re here to see whether there is any truth to those reports.” The cerulean glow around the notecard winked out and Scootaloo caught it with one hoof. She tucked it into her barding and gave Rarity a perfunctory salute. Turning to her next recruit, Rarity continued. “Apple Bloom. You are Ambassador Walidhani Mkali representing the United Cities and Heartland of Zebrica.” The filly gave an excited giggle that was cut short by one look at Rarity’s ‘this is serious business’ face. “Once again this year, your country has experienced a severe drought. Your recent trade agreement with Equestria ensures your citizens will remain well-fed. But you want to sound out the princesses and see if Equestria would help in repairing the centuries-old irrigation systems that once made your nation a thriving center of agriculture.” Rarity levitated an extensively foot-noted index card to the grinning, jewelry-bedecked Apple Bloom. “And me? And me?” Sweetie Belle, next in line, bounced a little as she waited for the details of her assignment. “Why, isn’t it obvious?” Rarity gave her sister an affectionate smile. “You get to be my assistant.” “Rarity! That’s no fair!” Sweetie stomped her hoof petulantly. “Scootaloo and Apple Bloom get big important roles, and I have to be your… your assistant!?” “Who says being my assistant isn’t a big important role?” Rarity’s eyes twinkled as she floated a third index card to her sister. “I am famed shipping magnate Catalina Cruz after all. And I have a lot of things I’d like to get done at this Grand Galloping Gala. See lines three through eleven. I’ll need somepony to help me, and maybe if that somepony is very creative, she can find ways to accomplish those goals that even her sister didn’t think up. It’s a very good part, I promise.” That seemed to mollify Sweetie Belle a little, who slunk back to her friends muttering, “It’d better be good.” “Ya got anythin’ for me there, Rarity?” The voice brought Rarity’s head around. Applejack was striding across the barn toward her, Stetson pulled low and a wide grin splitting her mouth. Rarity gave a nervous laugh. “Oh Applejack, I didn’t think you’d be interested in something as silly as our little role-play. I must admit, I was only expecting there to be four of us – and Twilight – so those are all the roles I’ve scripted. But surely there’s some work around the farm you’d rather be doing?” “Nah, Big Mac’s got everything under control. But shucks, if you’re all out of parts I s’ppose I’ll just have to come up with my own.” Rarity fought down the urge to try shooing Applejack out of her own barn. She’d spent all morning preparing Sweetie Belle and her friends for what they’d be expected to do here, and Rarity was relatively confident they wouldn’t make a hash of it. But Applejack, ever-honest Applejack, butting in on Rarity’s carefully crafted scenario to help Twilight learn to navigate the dangerous currents of Equestrian politics? It was a disaster waiting to happen. Rarity had to find some way to get rid of Applejack before she derailed the entire exercise. Applejack mussed Rarity’s mane affectionately and seemed to read her mind. “Oh don’t worry, sugarcube. Everything’ll be as fine as frog’s hair.” She trotted past and gave the barn a quick study. “Hey! Twi! Where are you at?” A muffled voice from the barn’s exterior answered her. “I’m out here. Does that mean you’ve got everything set up?” Rarity turned toward the voice, trying to smooth her mane back into its proper coiffure. She spoke quickly to wrest back control of the situation. “Yes, darling. We’re ready for you now.” The barn door swung open and Twilight stepped inside, wearing her full royal regalia – though no dress just yet. She closed the door behind her and approached the others in a stately walk. Rarity clapped her hooves and turned back to the three fillies. “All right, girls! Remember, this is a party, so we mingle with each other too. No standing around watching Twilight the whole time. Apple Bloom, why don’t you introduce yourself first?” Irritatingly, Applejack was the one who responded. “Sure thing, sugarcube,” she said as she walked over to Scootaloo and struck up a conversation. As for Apple Bloom, the little filly did a wonderful imitation of a stately promenade, approaching Twilight and giving a very respectful bow. Twilight returned the bow, not quite as deep – at least she had the behavioral niceties down, it seemed. Rarity had given her some limited clues about what to expect, so Twilight began the exchange. “Ambassador Mkali, isn’t it? Thank you for joining our celebration tonight. I hope you find it as enjoyable as we do.” Rarity nodded along. The greeting could be more polished, of course, but Twilight had said nothing that could give offense yet. “Thank you, Princess Twilight Sparkle. Your greeting… um… really makes my heart full.” A cold shudder ran through Rarity. “Apple Bloom! Just because Zecora talks that way doesn’t mean all zebras do!” Apple Bloom turned her head to glare back at Rarity. “Are you playin’ the ambassador now? ‘Cause if you’re not, why don’t you… go milk a cow!” Twilight tried to stifle a laugh and get back into the role-play. Rarity huffed and turned away from the pair. Well, as long as Apple Bloom played her part well, it didn’t really matter if she mimicked that particular vocal tic. “Madame Cruz,” piped a familiar voice beside her. “Shouldn’t we be discussing tonight’s arrangements, so I know what you’d like me to talk about at the Gala?” “Hush, Sweetie. I need to listen to Twilight.” “But Rarity, you said we were supposed to—” “No no no, I said you were supposed to go mingle with the others. I have to watch out for mistakes so I can correct them.” “Well, then why aren’t I playing Catalina Cruz?” “Because you’re my assistant. Now run along and play with Scootaloo.” “Rari—” Sweetie began, before dropping off into a heavy sigh. “Oh, forget it.” The filly’s departure went largely unnoticed, however. Rarity was too busy listening – with mounting horror – to Twilight’s interaction with the simulated Mkali. “I don’t know, it seems so gaudy to me, all that gold jewelry. I feel funny just wearing a tiara. I have to admit, I think it looks a lot better on you than it’d ever look on me, but I still don’t know how you zebras can stand the weight of it all.” Before Apple Bloom could respond, Rarity leapt into the space after Twilight’s words. “Darling! No! You simply don’t say things like that!” “But that’s what I think, when I see all that jewelry.” Twilight lowered her eyes and scuffed at the tiles with one hoof. “Don’t you see how you’ve managed to simultaneously insult her and her culture, and make yourself out to be superior to them?” “I… what?” Twilight blinked. “Well, you complained about Mkali’s jewelry. Surely you see the insult in that. And then you expressed a lack of understanding for why the zebra culture would engage in the practice of wearing such jewelry. That suggests they’re frivolous, or perhaps just mentally infirm.” “But I never meant anything like that! And how does that make me superior to them, anyway?” “You feel funny wearing a tiara, darling. You’re an alicorn princess. You have no need for jewelry. It’s a quaint affectation of the lower classes.” Twilight threw back her head and groaned. “Aagh! You sound just like the newspapers. I hate this! So what, I’m not even allowed to have opinions any more, now that I’m a princess?” “No, dear, you can still have opinions. You just need to express them positively. Watch.” Rarity turned around to stand beside Twilight, flank to flank. She gave a little bow of her own to Apple Bloom. “Ambassador! How nice it is to see you here tonight. I trust the festivities are to your satisfaction?” Apple Bloom gave a little cough. “Yes, dear princess, they are most engaging. But I must say, your dress is really amazing.” Rarity clicked her tongue idly, but forced herself to continue. Her words came at a brisk pace, to keep anypony from having too much time to think about them. “And your jewelry as well, ambassador. I’ve always wondered what it must be like to wear Zebrican jewelry, but I must say I don’t believe it would look half as good on me as it does on you. That gold goes so well with zebra coloring, but I’m always afraid that it wouldn’t look as good with my own mane. What do you think, ambassador?” “I could prob’ly get you some if you really wanted to try it out.” Apple Bloom shook her head as if dazed. “I mean… Aw heck, Rarity, now you got me too confused to rhyme with ‘out’.” Rarity gave the filly a smile. “Thank you, Apple Bloom. I think that’s enough for now. Why don’t we give one of your friends a chance to talk with Twilight, and we’ll come back to Ambassador Mkali later.” Apple Bloom nodded and trotted back to where Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell stood chatting beside one of the imitation columns. “I don’t get it,” Twilight said. “That was awfully close to what I said, wasn’t it? Why was yours okay when mine… when mine would just get me back in the headlines again?” “Why don’t we break it down, darling? First of all, I began with a compliment where you began with a criticism. That puts me on solid ground to start, while you have to make up ground you’ve already lost. When I phrase my own criticism – that I’m not sure Zebrican jewelry would look very good on me – I couch it in yet another compliment. It’s not that it won’t look good on me so much as it won’t look as good as it does on the ambassador. Finally,” and here Rarity couldn’t keep a small smirk on her face, “I invite the ambassador’s opinion, effectively ensuring that the next steps of the conversation will stay in innocuous territory. Never let others dictate the conversation for you, dear. It only leads to barbs and traps, and yes, ugly headlines. “Now why don’t we give you another dignitary with whom you can interact?” Rarity turned back toward the assemblage of fillies and called out. “Scootaloo? How would you like to introduce your General Eaglebeak to Princess Twilight?” Scootaloo stepped out from the group, her decorative barding clanking as she moved. “Actually… I don’t think I need to, Rarity. I think Sweetie Belle and I already got all our objectives sorted out.” “You can’t sort them all out,” Rarity said. “You have to talk to Twilight.” “I guess, if you say so… But I’m just supposed to make sure we know whether Equestria means to attack us, right? And make sure they can’t interfere with our nation’s agenda, right?” “Well, yes…” “And Sweetie’s mostly supposed to make sure your shipping business becomes more profitable, right?” “That is what my assistant should be doing.” “Well, we did that.” “How?” Scootaloo paused for a moment to take a deep breath, and then her words came out in a rush. “Well, we want to make sure Equestria isn’t invading our territory, so we could sound out the princesses and the bureaucrats or we could just make sure for ourselves. Since your company does both shipping and luxury cruises, Griffonstan agrees to give your company… (’reduced port fees and tariffs,’ prompted Sweetie Belle) …yeah, in exchange for permission to put spies… (’discretely station military observers’) …on your trips between our nation and Equestria, giving us the chance to watch for any potential military buildup ourselves. Spying is always better than diplomacy, right? And then Catalina Shipping gets a big new customer with the ar— (’Griffonstani Ministry of Preemptive Defense’) —yeah, what Sweetie said. ‘Cause we’ve never been very happy with how the last Camelu war turned out. So they help us ship our… our… (’materiel’) up and down the coast, as needed, so it’s available if Equestria moves on our northern border, or for when the time comes and we decide to push south into Camelu. So even if the princesses have a problem with what we want to do, we’re firming up our position so they won’t get much of a window to interfere with our agenda. And Catalina Shipping and Catalina Cruises both get a bunch more business from our national patronage. It’s a win-win, really.” Rarity gave an irritated shake of her mane and sent out wisps of telekinesis to locate the notecards she had given to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. She found them and snatched them back, setting them side by side in front of her and scanning quickly. “So did we get them!?” Sweetie Belle piped. “Just lemme look… Darn! No cutie marks for political intrigue.” “Maybe it’s because we were only role-playing?” “Soo…” “Rarity! Rarity! Can we go to Canterlot after this?” “Absolutely not!” The two notecards shredded themselves in midair, their pieces falling to the tile in a flurry of confetti. “You… you may have executed your agendas, yes, but you both completely missed the point of the exercise!” Applejack grinned and stepped forward to stand in front of Rarity and Twilight. “Well, in that case, I s’ppose that means it’s my turn to greet the new princess, ain’t it?” Twilight turned to Rarity with an uncertain look. “Who’s Applejack playing? I don’t remember a fifth role.” “There isn—” “Well how-dee! I’m mighty pleased to make your acquaintance, Yer Majesty. I ain’t but a simple miner from down south, am I. Treasure Trove’s the name. Don’t do a whole lotta mining m’self, these days, though. It’s a young colt’s game, and this old stallion’s gettin’ a bit long in the tooth.” Applejack gave a braying laugh. Rarity jumped into the opening. She didn’t like where this was going. “The proper form of address for a princess of Equest—” “—ria is ‘Your Highness’, yes, I know, I know. I hope you’ll pardon an old miner his country ways, Yer Majesty, but y’see, I gots me a question. Now, the Treasure Trove Quarrying and Mining Corporation ain’t the biggest operator in Ee-questria, o’course. Nothin’ like your friend Catalina’s shipping company, tho I’ve heard some mighty suspicious rumors about their dealings of late. No, no, we’re just simple miners, but we heard you was fixin’ to get us access to them there gold deposits up in North Griffonstan.” “I never said we were going to—” Twilight began. “Well, I was just thinkin, if’n we’re gonna lay claim to those deposits, somepony ought to be responsible for the extraction and refinement, right?” “I suppose, but it’s really not my place to award... I mean, no, we won’t be laying claim to any new—” “What, with all that talk about us gettin’ involved up there? You ain’t tellin’ me that were all hogwash, are ya? We gots allies that need protectin’, don’t we? Them griffons, them’s a dangerous folk. I always figured we’d be layin’ plans to deal with them as were proper, if push came to shove. Why just the other day, me an’ old Golden Horde were—” “No!” Twilight said, horrified. “There are absolutely no plans to—” “T’invade Griffonstan? Well, that’s a shame. Guess I’m out fifty bits!” Applejack stopped to take a breath, and Rarity swooped in once again. “Ahem. Mr. Trove, it was very nice of you to favor the princess with your presence, but she has many ponies to see tonight, and—” “And she still ain’t answered my question. If the princess can’t divvy up the minin’ rights, beggin’ your pardon Yer Majesty, who does a stallion see about that sort of thing?” Twilight stood speechless under the onslaught of words. This, Rarity decided, had gone on long enough. “Applejack, I really don’t think you’re—” “What’s this, then? Princess can’t answer a simple pony’s question? What’s high-an’-mighty Missus Catalina Cruz doing, answerin’ for her. You’re manipulatin’ her, ain’t you? Poor little impressionable thing. New to princessin’ and all.” The first shades of panic had appeared in Twilight’s eyes. “I— No! I—” “Oh, so you’re in cahoots!” Applejack crowed. “Well you can bet folk are gonna hear ‘bout this, mark my words. This here’s colludin’ in the highest levels of governmint. There’s colludin’ going on, and the people of Ee-questria ain’t gonna stand for that!” “Stop it!” Twilight wailed, her back legs collapsing to sit her down hard on the tiles. “Stop it, Applejack! This isn’t funny! If I can’t figure this out, they’re going to tear me apart at the Gala!” Rarity shoved her way between Applejack and Twilight. She fixed Applejack in place with an icy stare. “Darling! You. Are. Not. Helping. Twilight needs to prepare herself for refined social interaction. She needs to learn how to handle foreign dignitaries and other very important ponies, not... not nouveau-riche louts like your Mr. Trove. You just don’t understand what we’re trying to do here!”                  “No, sugarcube, I don’t think you understand. This ain’t just about the Gala. This is about what kind of princess Twilight is, and what kind of princess she oughta try to be. I’m sure, if it were you with the wings and all the reporters trailin’ after you like a passel of farm critters, you’d be doin’ just fine. But this is our Twi, and she doesn’t see the world like you. She’s all about books, an’ schooling, an’ magic. And Equestria’s just gonna have to learn that that’s who she is.”                  “But I need to do something,” Twilight said. “I’ve tried being myself for the last four months, and all it’s done is make them hate me more each day. If I can’t find some way to fix this, they’ll… Or Princess Celestia will… Oh, I don’t even know what they do with bad princesses!”                  “Whoa there, girl.” Applejack held up a hoof. “The press don’t hate you. They just don’t know you yet. They ain’t had a new princess since Cadance, and that was what, near enough twenty years ago? Most of these reporters were probably still in school back then. You don’t know how to deal with them, but they don’t know how to deal with you either. And so they’re just looking for every story they can write, no matter how bad it may make you look.”                  Applejack paused a moment, frowning. “But you’re right about one thing. You do need to do somethin’. You can’t let ‘em keep pushin’ you around like this. You gotta stop givin’ them such easy pickings on the bad stories. Just stop an’ think a couple seconds before you speak. See if you can find some way your words might be easy to misinterpret.” After another pause for thought, Applejack continued. “An’ don’t worry about this political intrigue business of Rarity’s. Maybe you can try it in a few more years, when you feel more comfortable. But Rarity’s been thinkin’ about this sort of thing all her life – don’t you deny it, sugarcube – and it’s askin’ a lot for you to learn it all overnight.”                  Oh, but Applejack could be frustrating! Rarity felt her temper starting to surge. “Teaching Twilight to pause and think about what she’s saying is precisely what I’m trying to do, darling. But as you yourself so ably demonstrated, that is not always enough. For the press, maybe it will work. For now. But what about representatives of foreign governments? What about members of the Equestrian nobility? Twilight must be prepared to deal with those who want to manipulate her for their own advantage!”         Applejack’s lips drew into a thin line. “I don’t care if she’s gotta deal with the grand pooh-bah of Guatellama! Twilight ain’t all slick-tongued and slippery like you, an’ I can’t see any reason why she’d want to be, neither!”         “Darling, you don’t understand! Conversation is a game for nobleponies, and if Twilight is going to be a princess, she has to learn to play!” Rarity felt a tug on her mane and looked down to see Sweetie Belle frowning at her and trying to push her away from Applejack. Apple Bloom had interposed herself as well, and was giving her older sister a fearsome glare. Rarity’s eyes narrowed in annoyance at the two fillies. This was between her and Applejack.         “This ain’t no joke, Rarity! We gotta help Twilight get this mess sorted out. Pretendin’ this is some fancy-schmancy Canterlot game ain’t gonna help nopony!”         “A game is precisely what it is, and if your head wasn’t so full of apples, maybe you’d be able to see it!”         “Girls! Stop this right now!” Twilight’s voice thundered through the barn, and whatever words Applejack was preparing to say, they died on her lips. Rarity gave a small, involuntary smirk – and then, in the silence of the barn following Twilight’s shout, she heard her own words coming back to her. She met Applejack’s eyes, saw the anger she’d caused. Rarity’s cheeks reddened and she dropped her gaze to the tiles.         Twilight raised one hoof across her chest and then extended it out in front of her, breathing deeply. “Okay. That’s better. Now—” She shared out a look for both Rarity and Applejack. “—both of you are my friends. But you’re both acting like this is your problem to fix, and it’s not. This is my problem. And… And I’m sorry, Rarity, but Applejack is right about one thing. This isn’t working. You both have some good ideas, but this is something I need to figure out for myself.”         “Are you sure about that, sugarcube?”         “Yes, darling, you know we only want to help. I’m sorry if – well – if I let this role-playing idea get a bit out of hoof, but… You know we just want to see you succeed, of course. It hurts us too, when we see you get hurt by all this.” Applejack shot a quick, contrite look at Rarity, and Rarity met it with a blush and a small smile of her own.         “I’m sure. I think I know what I have to do, now. But thank you, both of—” Twilight paused and regarded the three costumed fillies standing a little way off. “Thank you, all five of you. And anyway, even if it wasn’t quite right for me…” Twilight’s cheeks reddened in turn. “It was kinda fun.”