//------------------------------//
// Chapter The Third 
// Story: The Nine Trials 
// by InspectorSharpWit 
//------------------------------//


Chapter the Third, or “In Which Chaos Makes a Hell of an Entrance”


As we wait outside for the others to arrive, I decide to take an awkward stab at conversation. “So… Zecora… How did you guys escape Discord’s spell?” I asked curiously. “I mean, everyone else got turned to chocolate. Why not you and Redheart?”
Zecora shrugs. “Two healers left Discord, twas his own flaw. Perhaps it shall wipe that grin off his maw.”
Redheart nods. “It WAS a pretty bad mistake for Discord to let us free, in the long run. After all, who better to help the people than the healers?”
“I dunno… Since when do gods make mistakes?” I point out.
Zecora sighs. “Who knows what goes on in the mad god’s mind? An answer is not that simple to find.”
Redheart smirks. “Because THAT answers all the questions we had.”
Zecora snarls at her, but doesn’t answer back. “How do you guys stand each other when you constantly fight?” I ask, exasperated.
“It really isn’t as bad as it sounds,” Redheart laughs, patting Zecora on the back. “We just have different styles of thinking, that’s all! I come from a more proper, more scientific style of medicine, and Zecora… Doesn’t.”
“My medicine is as effective as yours,” Zecora grumbles as she gets up. “Except mine isn’t administered by boors!” And with that, she walks off, presumably to join the Princesses in the other room.
Redheart rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t have a high opinion of medical professionals, obviously,” she sighs. “She seems to think that we’re all money-grubbing pessimists who don’t care whether the patients live or die.”
“Welcome to America,” I grin wryly. “You must be new here!”
Redheart shudders. “I know; I’ve had to work at a hospital since we got here, and it’s just awful! I had to sneak in a child to the ER to remove his appendix just because his mother didn’t have insurance!”
“You can blame that on our great geniuses at Capitol Hill,” I smirk. “Since the year 2015, privately owned hospitals have the right to reject patients (or should I say, customers) if they don’t carry insurance and can’t pay for their health. I remember watching the Supreme Court ruling on the law when I was a senior in high school.”
“Really?” she asks with an interested tone. “Is that why you’re a lawyer?”
“I guess you could say that,” I grin. “But how did you know?”
“Word gets around quickly,” she shrugs. “You’re something of a celebrity here, after all.”
“Why? Because I’m the only human?”
“More of because you nearly doubled the size of the town population in a few months,” she says in a matter-of-fact voice. “I can’t tell you how many babies I’ve delivered that have your eyes!”
I do a double take. “What?!?!”
Redheart doubles over laughing. “That look on your face!!!” she sputters, trying to get it together. “PRICELESS!!”
I sigh in relief and give her a reproachful glare. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”
She gives me a wicked grin. “You’d be surprised at the amount of guys I’ve been able to scare with that line!” she chortles.
“Wow, it’s so funny that I forgot to laugh,” I growl.
She wipes a tear from her eye and calms down. “Seriously, though, you’ll have to watch out for mating season!” she warns. “The women here will rip you to shreds!”
I shudder at the thought. “When exactly will that be?” I ask fearfully.
She gives me an evil grin. “You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?”
Before I can respond, the two teams come back with the targets. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie brought back Twilight easily enough, with Twilight showing only minor signs of reproach. Applejack, on the other hand, was bound and gagged by various different fabrics, and was still thrashing violently while a frazzled Rarity struggled to keep her aura around her. “She’s got a real fighting spirit, I’ll give her that much!” Rarity smiled sheepishly.
Rainbow Dash plopped on the floor in front of her, sporting a giant foot-shaped bruise on her forehead. “It took us ten minutes just to track down this psycho,” she pants pathetically, “and another twenty to get her here.”
I whistle as I observe the bruise. “I’m terrified and yet slightly aroused at the same time,” I admit.
Rainbow Dash grins wryly. “Hell yeah, man!”
Rarity rolls her eyes. “If you two are done discussing your disturbingly masochistic fetishes, can we get this over with?”
“Oh right,” I grin sheepishly. “The Princesses should be in the other room right now.”
As if being summoned, three flashes of green, yellow, and blue light (respectively) light the room. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna step out of the yellow and blue flashes, and surprisingly, Zecora steps out of the green flash wearing a beautiful robe of light green. “You called?” Luna grins.
I marvel at Zecora’s new clothes. “Where’d you get those?”
She smiles and twirls around. “What this old thing? Just a formality! I need it for my full power, you see!”
“Zecora is the Zebraic Oracle of Eumonia,” Celestia explains. “She’s known to her people as the Priestess of Order.”
“That is only my former name,” she says dismissively. “I’d tell you the story, but it’s not exactly tame…”
“Some other time, Zecora,” Luna says hurriedly. “What we need to focus on is the problem at hand. Where are the two feuding Elements?”
Twilight steps up, looking down at the floor. “Right here, Princess,” she says shame-facedly.
Luna raises an eyebrow. “Twilight Sparkle?” she says in surprise. “We are most disappointed with you…”
Twilight shrinks down a little. “I know,” she squeaks.
Luna sighs. “Ah well. This happens to the best of us. We are first hand witnesses of that,” she says comfortingly to her before looking at Applejack. “And you are the second, Applejack?” she asks.
Applejack stops thrashing around and nods, apparently ashamed. Rarity telekinetically lifts the ribbon keeping her quiet, letting the blonde speak. “Ah know Ah shouldn’t have, Princess,” she admits quietly. “Ah should’ve kept a clear head and handled this differently.”
Princess Luna nods. “Well, as long as thy hast learned thy lesson, you can go free.” A blue flash slices through Applejack’s bonds, leaving her to stand in front of Twilight. “Now shake hands and be done with it,” Luna commands.
They do so rather stiffly. I swear I hear a small whimper coming from Twilight, but before I can do anything, they separate, leaving Applejack with a smug smirk and Twilight quietly nursing her hand. “Now, are you ready for the task ahead?” Luna asks loudly.
A collective agreement issues from the group, and Luna turns to Celestia. “Would you do the honors, Sister?”
The Princess puts on a determined face and puts her hand on the doorknob. “Here goes nothing,” she sighs, and she slowly turns the doorknob to reveal Discord’s statue, standing alone in the barren room.
We all cautiously move forward, as if the statue could have come to life and bit us. “Ah’m sorry, but that statue still gives me the willies,” Applejack shudders.
Rainbow Dash nods, obviously trying hard not to look afraid. “I know, right? It almost feels like he planned this…”
“And we’re just mice in a trap,” concludes Rarity, looking at the giant stone monstrosity with fear.
Fluttershy, for some reason, is completely calm. “Something’s… different this time,” she says, unsure. “I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think it’s the same as it was when we last saw him…”
Pinkie Pie runs up to him and makes a silly face. “BLAAAAAAARGH!!!!”
Almost immediately, the statue begins to cackle uncontrollably, smashing its fist on the ground. “Darn you Pinkie Pie!” it howled in laughter. “I almost had you!” A white flash surrounds the statue, transforming it into the dapper human form of Discord I say earlier. “Ah well,” he sighs, wiping a tear from his eye. “Guess it’s on to Plan B!” He cackles again and snaps his fingers, and suddenly the world goes dark.

Sometime Later…

Ugh, where am I… I feel like I just got smashed in the face with a train! I grumble to myself as I find myself tied up. The world around me is still pitch black, so it’s as if I had never woken up. But wait… something’s wrong… Why does my head feel all heavy?
A sudden idea pops into my head, and I decide to spit. Sure enough, the drop of liquid goes above my head instead, confirming that I was indeed upside down. “Hey, is anyone else there?” I call out in the darkness.
A moan next to me answers my call. “Where are we?” a soft voice asks.
“Fluttershy? Is that you?” I ask.
“Sebastian! Oh thank goodness!” she says in relief. “Do you know where we are?”
“Sorry, but I’m as lost as you are. Do you know where the others are?”
“I think someone’s beside me,” she says, uncertain. “It might be one of the girls…”
“Well, can you check?” I ask irritably.
“No, I can’t reach,” she says apologetically. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine, I’ve got an idea,” I assure her. “I’m going to try to knock you over there, and you’ll try grabbing on to them, alright?”
“Um, ok,” she stammers. “But first, can we make sure that-“
“BONSAI!” I bellow, ignoring her as I shift my bodyweight towards her. She responds with a squeak of fear as I hit her towards the nearest person. “Did you get them?” I ask eagerly.
“No… I’m sorry, my arms are too short!”
“Ugh… Whose car hit me?” a tired voice asks.
“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy and I call out in unison.
“Guys, not now,” she grumbles. “I’m having a bad hang-over…”
“Is that you, Rainbow Dash?” another familiar voice calls out. “Where’s everyone else?”
“Twi! We’re over here!” I call out.
“Sebastian? Are you close to me?” Twilight asks.
“I don’t think so... Why?”
“So I can beat you upside the head!” she snarls, thrashing noisily against her bonds.
“What the hell did I do?!” I ask defensively.
“Is now really the best time to have a lover’s quarrel?” Rarity’s voice says reprovingly. “After all, we ARE in a rather compromising situation…”
“Ah agree with the egg-head!” Applejack’s voice calls out. “Ah wanna beat the shit outta him too!”
“Uh, guys!” Fluttershy says uneasily. “Maybe if we all took a deep breath, we can all figure out what’s going-“
A sudden chord of music interrupts her advice. A blindingly bright light shines on a previously dark stage, revealing rows of cannons. These cannons proceed to shoot small stuffed animals into the air, which each exploded into bits of confetti and toffee. The cannons are pulled away to show a patched up yellow curtain, filthy with age.
“Ladies and gentleman, we are pleased to present to you the greatest thing since sliced pockets and bread on pants!” a deep male voice announces. “He is a god among men, a master of disaster, the king of chaos, and the very definition of the word ‘humble’! Now, without further ado, let me present a god who needs no introduction, the one, the only DISSSSCOOOORD!”
An audience below us cheers wildly, and assortment of roses, rubber duckies, and long-johns are thrown on the stage. The yellow curtains pull back to reveal a man in a brown pinstripe suit and dirty white hair. He grins at us, revealing his large tooth protruding from the front of his mouth. “Hello, my darlings!” he cackles, dancing madly to the music. “I hope you enjoy my musical taste!”
The crowd roars in response, causing Discord to frown. “Not YOU, you idiots!” he snarls. “I’m talking to my victims!”
The crowd automatically silences itself, and the bright spotlight lands on us. I look down (or is it up?) to find that we had been tied in a pink fleshy material.
“Are these hotdogs?!” Pinkie gasped.
Discord grinned. “I thought you’d like them, Pinkie Pie! Yes, those are 100% beef frankfurters!”
Pinkie let out a cheer and began to gleefully devour the hotdog chains. However, on freeing herself, she falls into a large balloon cage, which shuts closed with an unnaturally heavy clang as soon as she falls in.
Discord chortles at this. “Oh Pinkie, you so random! You actually thought that I’d make it THAT easy for you?!”
Pinkie shrugs and belches. “Worth a shot!”
This causes Discord to laugh even more. “Oh, this SO beats being in that idiot lawyer’s head all day!”
“You won’t laugh once the Princesses find out what you’ve done!” Twilight yells triumphantly. “They’ll wipe that look right off your face!”
“Oh, really?!” Discord says in a mock fearful voice. “The big bad Princesses are going to wipe that smug smirk right off my face?! HA!” A neon green rope falls from the ceiling into Discord’s hand. The chaos god tugs it hard, and the yellow curtain drops again. “Let’s see what’s behind Curtain Number One!” he cackles.
The dirty yellow curtain reveals a stone statue of Zecora, covered with confetti and stuck in a pink tutu. A rainbow afro had been stuck crudely to her head, and a small red clown nose had been jammed on her nose.
“Zecora!” the girls cried out in unison.
“Correct! This marble piece of art can sell big at any art gallery for its original style. Don’t take it for granite!” Grins Discord, pulling the curtain down again. “Now, let’s see what’s behind Curtain Number Two!”
The curtain pulled again, this time revealing Princess Luna strapped and chained to a table. “HOW DARE YOU ENTRAP US LIKE THIS!!!” she roars, writhing against her bonds. “UNLOCK US AND FACE US LIKE A REAL WARRIOR THIS INSTANT!!”
Discord chuckles. “Oh, I don’t think so, Lulu,” he purrs evilly, walking slowly toward the Princess. “I think I’ll have a little fun with you first…”
“DON’T YOU DARE, DISCORD!” she screeches as he pulled off her shoe. “WE SWEAR BY THE GODS ABOVE, IF YOU SO MUCH AS- HAHAHAHAHA!!”
“Aw, is little Woona still ticklish?” Discord cooed as he rubbed a small white feather against the sole of her foot. “How precious!”
“PLEASE, HA, WE BEG YOU, HAHA, NO MORE!!!” she hollers, tears of laughter running down her face. “WE CANNOT BREATH- HAHAHAHAHA!!”
“Well… if you insist!” he cackled gleefully as he pushed the table off the stage. Luna screams as she rattles out of sight, followed by a large crash and a cat yowl. The neon chord falls into the mad god’s hand once again, and he tugs the yellow curtain shut. “Now, on to Curtain Number Three,” he says grandiosely.
There, we find Princess Celestia, looking dazed and confused while wearing a black and red tango dress. “What’s going on?!” she cries, looking frantically around her.
“What’s going on, my sweet Celly-poo, is the meeting that was drafted by Faust herself,” Discord crooned, sliding up to the Princess and grabbing her shoulders. “Is it written in the stars, that we were meant to be together? Is it part of some universal plan? Perhaps we are two un-dividable souls, destined to forever entertwine paths!” He gives her a grin. “I’D LIKE TO THINK SO!”
Celestia responds with swiftly punching Discord in the face. “Not even in YOUR dreams, Demon!” she hissed.
Discord falls to the floor, little winged hearts floating around his head. “What a woman,” he moaned, a sappy smile on his face.
The Sun Princess teleports to us and begins trying to free us from our bonds. “Hurry, there isn’t much time!” she whispers urgently. “If I know Discord he’ll be able to- AH!”
Discord pops up, holding a bouquet of sunflowers. “I know how they’re your favorite,” he crooned, “so I made sure to get a few!”
Celestia issues a huff of disgust and blasts them away with a beam of magic. “Do you honestly think FLOWERS could bring me to forgive you?!” she snarled. “That is so like you!”
“Well, I think we can both agree that we’ve made mistakes,” Discord says diplomatically, putting his arms around her waist. “I’ve done some things, you turned me to stone for 1000 years, I got out, you put me back in… I think we can agree that we’re Even-Steven now!”
“Even-Steven?!” she said incredulously. “YOU MADE THE IMPERIAL PALACE TURN INTO LIME GELATIN!!”
“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t love it!” he chortles, slapping her on the back. “It was like a giant edible bouncy castle!”
She begins to glow with an ominous golden hue, shaking slightly. Her normally flowing rainbow hair becomes a fiery blare of colors, both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. “YOU RAINED THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF CHAOS ON MY PEOPLE, PLAY MY LOYAL SUBJECTS AGAINST EACH OTHER, AND HUMILIATE ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE IN FRONT OF THE COUNCIL OF ORACLES, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO FORGIVE YOU RIGHT AWAY?!” she booms menacingly.
Discord steps away slowly, a sudden trace of fear in his eye. “Hey, I never said all at once!” he smiles sheepishly. “These things take time, Celly! And besides, you didn’t want to be part of that Council anyways! They’re all a bunch of shticks!”
“WELL, PERHAPS THEY WOULDN’T BE SUCH ‘SCHTICKS’ IF YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT RAIN MOUNTAIN DEW DURING OUR MEETINGS!!” she roars, shooting a golden blast at the old man.
He deftly slaps it away as if it were a fly, still focused on the now terrifying Princess. “Look, if those guys wanted to stay serious, why didn’t they just tell me?” he says defensively.
“TELL YOU?!?! THEY BEGGED YOU TO STOP!! AND WHAT DID YOU DO?! YOU MADE IT RAIN KITTENS INSTEAD!!!” She shoots another three golden beams, trying desperately to hit him.
“Ok, now you’re just being unreasonable!” Discord protests, easily dodging all three beams. “Who doesn’t love kittens?!”
Meanwhile, all seven of us are simply watching the battle in equal parts awe and confusion. “So let me get this straight: Discord apparently had a thing with the Princess, but something happened, they fought, and she put him in stone for a few hundred years?!” I ask incredulously.
“A THOUSAND years,” Twilight corrects. “And it’s not just that! He put a reign of misery over Equestria with his chaos magic. She had to do it for the good of the kingdom.”
“I dunno,” says Pinkie Pie, munching on some popcorn in her balloon cage. “All the things that Discord’s doing doesn’t SOUND like evil stuff. They sound like little pranks that anybody would do.”
I stare at her a bit, trying to comprehend how Pinkie got a bucket of popcorn before finally deciding the answer: It’s Pinkie Pie, don’t question it. “Anyways,” I continue, shaking my head, “Pinkie’s got a point. Unless there’s something they aren’t telling us, we can’t just think that he’s evil just because.”
“Are y’all kiddin’ me?! We DO have proof that he’s evil!” Applejack protests. “Remember what he did to us in the maze?!”
“Well, that ended up having positive consequences.” Fluttershy pointed out. “I mean, after that, we’ve been so much closer.”
“Uh, darlings?” Rarity interrupts. “I realize that we’re all having an intense philosophical conversation, but perhaps you’d be a teensy bit more interested in the god battle occurring RIGHT NEXT TO US?!”
We all turn to find that the theatre had somehow been turned into something that Pee-Wee Herman would imagine on an acid trip: Brightly colored bouncy balls ricocheted off of the walls at breakneck speeds, purple cacti sprung out of the ground, and a giant green rooster with an inner-tube pecked at the celling. In the center of it all was Discord and Celestia, the former either deflecting or dodging the latter’s attempts to attack him. “Come on, Celly, not in front of the mortals!” Discord said with a strained smile. “You know that sort of thing is inappropriate!”
“I DON’T CARE!!” she roared, shooting daggers made out light at the chaos god. “WITH YOU, IT WAS ALWAYS, ‘C’MON CELLY, LET’S DO IT RIGHT NOW! I CAN STOP TIME, IF YOU WANT, BUT LET’S DO IT RIGHT NOW!’ WHAT IF I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT, HUH?!”
“Oh please, you loved every second of it!” Discord protests, catching all the daggers and making them into origami. “I remember the first time, we nearly stopped time for a year when we did it!”
“THAT’S BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU JUST RANDOMLY POPPED UP IN FRONT OF ME AND WE DID IT!” she sighs in exasperation, shooting out white-hot bolts of lightning. “AFTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH TIME, A GIRL CAN GET TIRED!!”
“So that somehow entitles you to shut me in stone?!” Discord asks, finally getting angry and deflecting the electricity back. “Do you know how long I’ve had to sit and watch as you went on without me?! Do you know how many suitors I’ve seen you take in the first one hundred years?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIME I COULD HAVE LET LOOSE A STAMPEDE OF HAMSTERS ON CANTERLOT, BUT I HAD TO SIT THERE AND WATCH AS IT WAS ANOTHER HAMSTERLESS DAY?!!”
“SEE, YOU’LL ALWAYS CARE ABOUT CHAOS MORE THAN ME!” Celestia snarls, as she creates a massive sword of light and tries to slice Discord. “NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR SAY, YOU’LL ALWAYS PUT YOUR JOB FIRST!”
“Like you’re any better!” Discord snorts in derision, making a balloon sword and using it to fence with Celestia. “It was always ‘my subjects this,” and ‘my subjects that’ and ‘my subjects need you to stop turning hay into fire-ants’!”
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN YOUR THICK SKULL THAT WE EAT HAY?! IT’S OUR MAIN SOURCE OF FOOD!”
“Well, why not make it something else?!”
“BECAUSE IT’D BE EASIER IF YOU JUST TURNED ALL THE FIRE-ANTS BACK INTO HAY!”
“You know what, Celestia? There’s no arguing with you! It’s like Cthulu always said to me-“
“CTHULU IS THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND THE DEVOURER OF LIFE!!” Celestia rages, hitting even harder with her blade. “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT HE HAS ANY GOOD IDEAS?!”
“See, there you go again, judging people!” Discord scoffs. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Cthulu does other things in his spare time? For example, did you know that he makes a mean soufflé!”
“THERE YOU GO AGAIN, ALWAYS IDEALIZING THINGS! MAYBE, JUST MAYBE YOU COULD SEE THAT THE WORLD ISN’T SOME PERFECT PLACE WHERE LIFE GOES EXACTLY TO PLAN MOST OF THE TIME!!”
“And what exactly do you think my job is?” Discord smirks. “Ruining everything? No, believe it or not, chaos is as positive as it is negative, just like order, and just like harmony! Maybe YOU’RE the one who needs a reality check!”
“OH, YEAH?! WELL, WELL, well… YOUR BEARD IS STUPID!!” Celestia says triumphantly.
A giant record scratch goes through the room, and everything just stops dead. “You… you think my beard is stupid?” Discord asks meekly.
Celestia, realizing what she had done, reverts back to her normal state. “Oh, Dissy…” she says softly.
“Don’t Dissy me, missy!” Discord says dramatically. He pulls out a blue handkerchief with a pear design and blows his nose loudly. “Here I was, trying to make things better, and this is what you say to me?!”
“Dissy, I’m sorry!” Celestia protests, putting her hand on Discord’s shoulder. “I was just angry. I didn’t mean to- Wait… Why is my hand stuck?!”
A loud cackle comes from behind us. I crane my neck to see that Discord had been sitting behind me, slurping Twizzlers like spaghetti. “I can’t believe you fell for the old ‘fake sticky Discord!’ Trick!” he snorted gleefully.
“DISCORD!” Celestia snarls, trying to free herself from the apparently inescapable statue. “LET ME GO THIS INSTANT!”
“Aw, just admit it! You can’t keep your hands off me!” he smirks, kissing her on the cheek. He turns to me and grins evilly. “Now, for my final trick,’ he announces, donning a top hat and a tuxedo, “I’ll really be getting into Sebastian’s head!”
My eyes widen in fear. “Wait, you don’t want to be in my head again, do you?” I protest frantically. “I’m boring, remember? I’m an idiot lawyer!”
He smirks. “Oh, don’t worry! This isn’t going to hurt a bit- For ME!” And with one last cackle, he leaps at me like a spider on a fly. All I can do is watch hopelessly as he gets closer and closer to me, and the world goes dark…