//------------------------------// // Mouth Full of Ashes // Story: Apoptosis // by Biochi //------------------------------// Celestia sat across the breakfast table from Luna, watching her hum a long-forgotten ballad between sips of coal-black coffee.  Her sister’s lips wore a languid and satisfied smile as she brushed her spoon across the top of a bowl of applesauce.  Celestia’s own lips were crushed together in a pale, rigid line due to her all-too carnal knowledge of the source of Luna’s good mood. The indigo mare continued humming, oblivious to her sister’s eyes boring into her, as she carved abstract patterns into the powdered cinnamon topping.  Celestia’s half-forgotten scone fell to the table with a clatter of abused porcelain as she snapped, “Would you please stop doing that.” Surprised by her sister’s outburst, Luna’s spoon twitched and splattered the amber substance across the gleaming white tablecloth.  Her mouth moved silently for a moment as she swam back from whatever pleasant memory she had floating through, “Um...What?” “That unendurable racket, Luna.  Stop making it,” Celestia replied in a cold tone. Silence hung over the table for a few more moments until Luna broke it again, “What?” “The humming,” Celestia enunciated with exaggerated care. “Oh, was I humming?”  Luna replied.  “I hadn’t noticed.  I suppose I might have been doing so.”  Luna’s smile broadened as she mentally reviewed the reason for her relaxed state.  “I took last night off from court and am feeling much refreshed.” “Not a lie,” Celestia appraised her sister’s deception, “just a very careful omission.”  “So I can see,” was what she said out loud. Luna focus turned to her sister and after a moment’s contemplation she asked, “Tia, tis anything the matter?” Celestia’s mind was instantly flooded with several different possible answers.  She schooled herself and organized them into a list prior to speaking; she was Twilight’s mentor after all. “Yes Luna, the world is going to end unless I kill Twilight Sparkle.”   “Yes Luna, I nearly murdered one of your ponies over a quill.”   “Yes Luna, I figured out what rhymes with ‘midnight’s heathers’.” “Yes Luna, I accidentally caught you fornicating with the mare I raised as a daughter.”   “Yes, Luna, you’ve evicted me from my place within Twilight’s heart and I am frothing green with envy.”   Celestia’s eyes widened in response to the last entry on the list, she placed it inside the mental lockbox she kept for just these sorts of occasions and instead invented a response that would be more appropriate.  “No Luna, everything’s fine.  I just had some bad dreams last night.” She followed the words with the smug thought, “Not a lie, just a very careful omission.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” Luna replied without hesitation, “Would you like me to accompany you to the Dreamlands tonight?” Celestia called upon her centuries of experience in politics to keep her carefully controlled face composed in the face of Luna’s offer.  Her secrets, her envy, and her shame would all be laid bare before her sister if she were to allow the dreamwalker within her subconscious.  Celestia smoothly lied again to her sister’s face, “I wouldn’t want to bother you.” “It wouldn’t be any bother at all, Tia.  I’d be happy to help,” Luna said with an easy and genuine smile. “No, Lulu, I want to first try resolving the matter myself,” Celestia demurred.  “At least that is the truth,” she told herself.  “I’ll let you know if things become...stuck.” Luna’s look turned appraising again, “Very well, my sister.  I just want you to know that I’m here for you, anytime you need me.” The words, “Even at, oh for the sake of example, last night around three A.M.?” strained against the inside of her teeth.  She swallowed them alongside the bile that was creeping up the back of her throat and instead said, “Of course I do and I am grateful for that.”  Sickened by her own talent for lying, she decided to give up on the meal that it felt like her stomach was turning to ashes.  “I’m going to get to work, Luna,” she said, standing up from her place-setting. “But, you have barely broken your fast,” her sister remarked.  Concern for her sister was clearly stamped across her open and untrained face.  The sight of it made Celestia’s guts twist. She gathered a miniscule fraction of her power and unleashed it upon the scone.  For a moment the doomed pastry glowed brighter than her sun.  The sudden flash of light contrasted with the more gentle candlelight, making the latter now appear as a dim glow besieged by shadows.  The scone collapsed into a puff of light-gray ash.  “I am no longer hungry.” “Tia!” Luna gasped, shocked by her sister’s behavior. “You and I both know that this,” she gestured to the surviving components of the meal, “is a farce.” “Tia!”  Was all that Luna could think to say in that moment of outrage. “Don’t you think we lie enough as it is?”  Celestia’s fey look developed a hard-edged smile.  “Do we need to lie about needing food too?” That caused Luna to pause before answering, Celestia noted with a darker shade of satisfaction.  “While it is technically true that these meals are more of a luxury than a necessity, I do think they are important,” her sister carefully argued. “Then I leave it up to you to coddle and complement the chefs on their efforts.  Good Day, Luna.” Luna’s worried eyes silently followed Celestia’s form as she left the dining room. ---------------------------- Celestia released a shuddering breath after the doors were closed behind her.  The guards on-station broke regulation for a moment to glance at the goddess they served.  Celestia’s eyes met theirs and with the slightest of head-shakes, she ensured their silence on the matter. Placing one hoof in front of the other, Celestia pretended to be purposefully heading somewhere while her mind raced.  “I can’t stand going back to my rooms,” she thought as she envisioned the hock-deep layer of crumpled paper that coated her private office’s floor.  Each ball of wadded-up, torn, tear-stained, or, in one case, chocolate-smeared paper contained an aborted attempt to contact Twilight Sparkle. Dearest and most faithful Twilight, I had a dream about you last night.  Not like that.  Really, I don’t think about you that way.  And to clarify, what I mean by that way is- Dear Twilight, The universe will implode unless you to cease doing anything and everything.  Please stand perfectly still until I contact you again.   Twilight, do you know that I love you?  I mean in a platonic way.  Actually, maternally might more accurate way to describe it.  Not that I wish to take the place of your actual mother, that would be rude and presumptu- Delight’s Feathers Ignite’s Weathers Lignite’s Gethers Insight’s Tethers Twilight’s Neth- Twilight, I cannot express my sorrow adequately in this form but- Dear Twilight Sparkle, Blah Bla Blah, Bla Blah Blah Bla Blah. Ms. Sparkle, It is unfortunate that you felt that you had to conceal your presence from me while within my home.  I thought you trusted me enough to-  You horrible child, you made me cry. (A sheet entirely covered with doodles of flowers and butterflies.) My beloved Twilight, I have never directly told you how I feel about our relationship.  I love you as a daughter and it breaks my heart to tell you that we do not have much time left to us.  I have been given a choice by the powers that guide the universe.  Because I cannot abide the one option that will save us, I will allow the world to end.  Make peace with your friends and family but tell no one.  Let them go with a smile on their lips and love in their hearts. (A sheet of paper stabbed repeatedly with a quill, over and over.) Twilight, I can’t allow the world to end simply because I need you in my life.  It would be the most selfish act imaginable.  Please come back to the palace as soon as possible.  I promise to make it painless.  I wish we could have spent more time together. Dozens more attempts, most worse than these, were abandoned after the first sentence or two.  Some sounded cruel, some petty, others would have sent Twilight into a terminal state of shock, and some even read like the beginning of a letter confessing her love for the mare.  Despite her frustration, Celestia kept composing draft after draft.  She only stopped when her chambermaid reminded her of the time and need to raise the sun.  Her mind buzzed with the slurry of emotions and words that sloshed about in her head. Celestia spotted movement at the end of a hallway to her right.  The detected motion pulled her out of her semi-somnambulant state and her mind began registering her surroundings once again. A glass door capped the end of the passageway and through its panes she saw the movement of brightly colored birds against a background of dark green leaves which swayed in the breeze.  It was one of the private, semi-secret entrances to the royal gardens she occasionally used.  Celestia’s face finally creased in a genuine smile as she remembered sneaking up behind a school group touring the grounds.  She had silently hushed the fillies as she joined their group and it had taken several minutes for the overworked guide to notice the princess.  “I might have gotten to enjoy the entire tour, had it not been for the giggles,” she said to no one in particular. Guiltily glancing left and right, like one of those school-fillies cutting class, she took her moment and darted through the doors to her garden.  She instantly began to feel better once the sunlight caressed her skin.  Her step lightened into a bouncing  trot and she deeply inhaled the pollen-flecked air as she lost herself among the meticulously groomed topiaries.  For the first time in far too long her mind went silent.   In this moment she allowed herself to forget the impending disaster hanging over her and her student.  She let go of the lie shared by Luna and Twilight.  She stopped worrying about what she felt for the little purple mare.  Adrift in this sea of green she wasn't a princess or a goddess.  She wasn’t even Celestia anymore.  For a glorious green and gold minute she was a simple horse and kicked off her shoes, shook her crown from her mane, and let herself scratch an itch on her rump against a hedge shaped like a dolphin. Her equilibrium restored, she lay down on the warm grass and brought her mind back under conscious control.  Celestia pushed aside thoughts of guilt, glad that the only casualties from her tantrum was an over-dry breakfast pastry and a ridiculous looking shrub.  “This, this is the state of mind that I need to be in to confront the problem with Twilight and the Moirai,” she thought to herself. An all too familiar voice replied to her thoughts.  “Oh poor widdle Celly, do you want to tell dear uncle Discord your troubles?” Celestia’s good mood died a sudden and horrible death. “Aww, and here I thought you came all this way out here to see me,” the draconequus replied to her sudden shift in mood. “Why in Tartarus would you think that?” she answered the imp. “Its not like you put me in a high-traffic area, almost no one other than gardeners come all the way back here.” Celestia examined her surroundings and eventually located a stone antler poking up above a hedgewall only a few feet away.  She had specified that Discord should be placed somewhere so that ponies wouldn’t just stumble upon the old god by accident.  It appeared that she had done just that herself. “Oh, come on.  I’m bored, you’re upset by something, and there isn’t anything I can do to harm anyone while I’m like this,” Discord wheedled. “I seem to remember a sequence of events leading to Twilight going into Tartarus and freeing...”  Celestia stopped mid-sentence. Discord could sense her mental footing shift rapidly.  “What?” he asked in an innocent tone. “This is your fault.” “What is?” “Twilight ended up in Tartarus because of you.” “That sounds like something I’d do.” “She died there.” “Oh, that’s a shame.  I actually kind of liked her.” “She brought herself back to life while there.” “Well, isn’t she the little overachiever.” “The Fates came to me last night.” “Oh, that has to be a big deal.  They never leave their home, not even for bridge night and my seven-bean salad; Total homebodies.” “They say that Twilight’s thread had been cut when she died.” “So?” “She’s still here, alive, without a destiny.” “Good for her.  I can really respect a self-made mare.” “They said that her actions are derailing all of destiny, throwing ponies off their path anytime she interacts with them.” “You don’t expect me to cry about the world becoming less predictable, do you? “I do expect you to be worried about the world ending.  Without destiny, the divine order falls apart.” “Boo hoo.” “Without order, the world falls apart.” “Eh,” she could feel Discord’s mental shrug. “An eternity of nothing, stretching on forever.  Nothing living, nothing dying, nothing growing, or ever changing.” “All right, I do admit that does sound fairly monotonous.” “What do I do to stop it?” “Easy, kill Twilight Sparkle.” “What if I can’t?” “She can’t be that powerful.” “...Ok, won’t” “Then you have the honor of being the most influential deity ever?” Celestia laid her head on the grass, depression starting to reassert itself. “Oh come on.  Seriously?  You’re going to just quit, just like that?” he chided.  Switching to a falsetto voice he mocked her, “Oh well, I guess the world has to end because I’m a sentimental weenie of a big white horse.” “I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t even know I want to.  Could I keep going on after murdering her?  Should I?”  She asked herself and Discord simultaneously. “You’ve done worse and gotten over it,” he replied. “No I haven’t-” “Liar!” he interrupted her with a mental shout. “No, I haven’t gotten over it.” “Oh, well...that might be true.  You do have a talent for being depressing and there’s no better suicide note than a smoking crater the size of the whole world.” “That’s what it would be, wouldn’t it?” “A giant, pointless, melodramatic gesture that no one would even get to see?  Yes.” She narrowed her eyes, focusing on his antler.  “Why are you being so helpful?” “Do you know what’s better than a lie that wounds your enemies?” “What?” “A truth that does the same.” She shivered as she felt his fanged smile in her mind.  Without saying goodbye to the Lord of Chaos, she tucked her regalia underneath a wing and left the garden.  She ran into her sister on the way back to the palace. “Tia?  Your staff came and got me when you didn’t show up to court.”  Luna closed the distance between them and forced a hug onto her.  “What is wrong?”  her sister whispered forcefully into Celestia's flattened ear. “I...I...” Celestia blew out a breath while gathering her resolve.  “I’m sorry for this morning, it was out of line.” “I don’t care about a scone Tia, I’m worried about you.” She sighed, “I’m tired Lulu, I’m very, very tired.  I think I need a day off too.” Luna pulled her sister closer.  “If that’s what you need, I’ll let them know for you.  Go.  Take a day for yourself.  I’ll handle things until tomorrow morning.” Celestia finally relaxed and hugged her sister back.  “Thank you.” After the embrace reached its natural end, Luna stepped back and spoke firmly to Celestia.  “If you have any trouble sleeping, send for me.  Let me help.” “I’ll try,” she answered, regretting yet another lie to her sister.  Freed of her sister’s well-meaning meddling Celestia headed straight up to her private chambers.  The drifts of drafts were still littering the floor as she had expressly forbidden the cleaning staff from entering her apartments today.  These pieces of paper were too dangerous to end up in the trash, only the fireplace would do for them. Shoveling a path through the detritus with her magic she made her way to the writing desk.  She took up one of the last few sheets of clean paper and a fresh quill and began to write. My most faithful and dear student, It has come to my attention that we have not spent any time together since your last visit after your adventures in the Crystal Empire.  While your letters and reports are quite thorough, I would like to have the opportunity to meet face-to-face.  This isn’t an urgent matter but my schedule is very tight these days.  I have some free time on this coming Sunday night where we can get dinner and spend a few hours together.  Unfortunately, the rooms I keep reserved for your visits are uninhabitable due to a minor infestation.  I am sorry to impose upon your parents this way but I think it best if you were to spend the nights of your visit here with them.   One additional matter, there is a diplomatic function that requires either myself or Luna to attend.  As I mentioned, my schedule is very tight and it would be most helpful to me if you and Luna could attend this dinner at the Canid embassy together.  Your command of recent history will be of great assistance to my sister. Your mentor, Princess Celestia. Looking over the drying ink, she nodded to herself and sealed up the scroll of lies with a dollop of wax.  With a flash of green it was sent to Spike and she was committed to this course of action.  She made her way to her bed, brushing against the wadded balls of discarded paper in her path.  Wherever she touched them, they burst into flames.  By the time she had stopped crying the fires had gone out, leaving nothing but ashes.