//------------------------------// // LXIV : Traveling Alone IV // Story: The Steadfast Sky // by Greytercakes //------------------------------// The Steadfast Sky : Travelling Alone IV The Grey Potter http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11495/The-Steadfast-Sky http://cosmicponyfiction.tumblr.com ~Celestia~ Okay now, this? This is stupid. Oh no, not at all! This is most certainly is the furthest thing from stupid!  I smiled at myself in a chipped mirror, combing my hair with a borrowed bone brush, snipping off singed ends with slightly rusty shears. Please, Martyr begged, Leave the mane as it was. It is symbolic of our loss and transformation— Cheerfully, I thought, And fixing the horrible cut is representative of my recovery, is it not? You call this recovery? Recovery is all of you still babbling away in my head? “Of course it’s recovery!” I beamed at myself, plucking aura-fulls of strands and shaping them experimentally. “I’m the one in total control now!” I giggled to myself as tools zipped this way and that around head. Yes, yes, the mane was shaping up quite nicely! A bit short by my standards. And the poor lighting was making it take on a funny little tint. The pink was looking practically lilac! Oh, but I suppose it was a fine a color as anything else! Why would you even want control? Baker said quietly, You are and were Celestia. You know what it’s like to be me. It’s not a very fun experience. I suppose you are correct, I thought back, But I have never had the luxury of being Celestia alone with no other pesky thoughts to bother me! But in Canterlot… Goodness no, I had Snippy, she tainted me then. And Martyr… Actually, no, Martyr wasn’t there. I don’t know where she went. But you can live up to your name now, dearest! Sacrifice yourself for the greater me! Surprisingly, Martyr was silent. I suppose I made a very good argument! But then I got a very odd feeling. Like a painful, rolling twitch in my heart. I started to feel nauseous, and worried, and— And then I huffed and kneed myself in the chest. “Speak up, Martyr!” I snapped aloud, “Mumbling is not becoming of a young mare!” I’m just wondering if having only one of us in control will help the most ponies possible, Martyr said slowly, All of us fighting certainly isn’t winning any favors with the staff. Oh yes. I am familiar with the sting of their pity! I then switched to speaking out loud, “But not today! Today, they will speak with the real me! They will come to respect Celestia Helios, Princess of Equestria,  Element of Loyalty!” Baker turned and twisted deep inside me. I got the impression that she was biting her imaginary lip. She said, I don’t feel entirely comfortable using those titles. I mean, we don’t have an Element anymore… Yeah, Princess! Snippy barked in my ear, Isn’t it because of YOUR STUPIDITY that we lost Loyalty in the first place?! “Well!” I huffed, “I do believe it was your directionless anger that caused me to declare my friendships dead. And hit my poor sister, as well! Shame on your shoulders, Snippy! It’s lucky the blow didn’t leave a permanent mark upon her poor little face. Although…” Her coat is rather the right color for hiding unseemly blemishes… Let’s not build that as a good thing, Baker mumbled. “Yes, you’re quite right!” I sprung from my seat and gave myself one last look over with the little mirror. Oh, I was almost squinting from how hard I was grinning! I looked absolutely lovely, given the tools at my disposal. “I will have to do without makeup or braid,” I said, “But I can at least go out in public like this! Although… Perhaps I can prick my lips and use blood like blush?” Snippy moaned. Just go do whatever stupid thing you’re going to already! “Oh, alright!” And with one last flick of my mane, I tromped my way out of that drab little room. Perhaps I’ll find the means to decorate it one day! Oh, but that is a project for an entirely different time. I walked down the horrendously dusty hall of the hospital, curtseying and greeting every pony I passed. “Good morning, Attentive!” The pale mint mare blinked as she passed by. The bucket in her mouth sloshed water as she slowed, staring at me. “Well um…” she said slowly, “Good morning, miss Helios.” “How are you today?” “Fine, er, sorry I can’t stay and chat. Grotto Greens…” She laughed nervously, shifting forward a few more steps. “Sick again, mess in his room…” “Oh yes, I do hope the old stallion gets better soon!” Attentive nodded, confused, and kept trundling by me. Such an oddly named mare! But I just walked a short ways more, and another pony was there, direly in need of a nice, warm greeting! “Good morning, Radish Root!” I called. The red stallion flinched as I said his name. Oh, but in a moment more he was smiling, faint as it was. “Helios…” “How is your daughter today, Mister Radish?” I chirped. “Better?” “Oh yes… just chicken pox, you know. Nothing to worry about really…” I beamed as I walked by. “Oh, that’s absolutely lovely to hear!” “It really is a relief.” His smile grew a little bit more genuine, but oh, was he shy! He avoided my eyes, staring pointedly at the ground. “Well, I hope the rest of your day is full of happy news! Ta!” “Uh, yep, goodbye…” Poor Radish family. They were so worried it was something much worse. But he responded very well to my greeting. Last time, I do believe Snippy derided him most cruelly. He was mumbling! I could barely hear a word he said! You sided with me on this one, Princess! I tutted her as I moved on, towards the stairs. I looked down to get my bearing on the position of the steps, and was struck with a strange sense of vertigo. It was so strange, watching my own feet move and not being entirely certain if it was me making them walk, or Princess. I mean, Princess was me... That conviction is sounding more and more hollow by the day. Now, now, Baker! You agreed to be nice and accommodating for this experiment! Isn’t it going well so far? Yes… I felt the need to— Then it’s settled! I get to drive! Now hush, hush, dear! And I thought the matter settled! Yet, I wondered… If I thought hard enough, could make my legs stop? Just pause them midstride? But that’s stupid. Thinking about moving limbs didn’t move them, silly! I looked at my left fore-knee. Watched as it picked around spiderwebs and avoided loose nails in the floorboards. I thought that, maybe I should lift my leg, and then just hold it there… But we were already tromping our way down the steps! If I did that now, I would trip! And this hospital had far too many problems of its own without attending to silly accidents like that! Yes, yes, best to put those kind of thoughts right out of my head. No look! Another person I should be greeting! “Papercut, my good lady!” I proclaimed, walking up to the mare behind the front desk. She, like all the others, stared at me. Rude! I curtseyed anyway. “How are you this morning?” “Fine, fine, miss Helios,” Papercut said with a thin smile. “You seem rather cheerful today.” “That is because I have recovered fully! The pony you see before you is myself, distilled to its best components!” “Really now?” she seemed mildly interested. A note was quickly scribbled and sent it flying off, aura vanishing down a hall. “You must be very strong, miss Helios. To have fought off an infection that severe so quickly. We expected you to be bedridden for two whole weeks. Not two whole days.” “I’m sure this is due to the diligence and attention of this fine hospital! Though your building may be a wreck and your walls covered in webs, it’s clear, at heart, you are still a fine establishment!” Snippy was laughing. Oh goodness, you just insulted the hospital to her face! Nice going, Princess! You screwed up all without our help! No I did not! I said despite the messy environment, they’re still great doctors! I don’t think she’s taking it that way… Baker mumbled. Indeed, Papercut had returned to her papers. Her smile was gone, but she did not look offended per say… Merely distracted! Clearly! “Miss Papercut, surely… I did not mean to offend!” I leaned on the table, holding myself tall. It was the first chance I had to see into the shadowed little cranny, and the first I noticed that Papercut seemed to be sitting in some sort of wheeled chair. Oh, but there were more important things to discuss! “Surely,” I heartily continued, “To the common eye, it may seem that you are hardly a medical facility at all, if not abandoned outright! Why, a little bit of care to your facilities, and certainly you’ll see attendance grow!” Immediately, I wanted to bury my face into my legs. My stomach was turning and twisting into knots. No, no, no why are you making me say these things? They would have done something if they could have helped it! They’re not stupid, Princess! They’re not! “I’m sorry your stay didn’t live up to your standards, Miss Helios,” Miss Papercut said quietly, “But currently, we have much more on our mind than keeping up appearances.” “Oh, how distressing!” I moaned, “And I once had the means to pay you a dozen times over… but as it stands, I don’t even have a purse. Oh! Can you imagine the shame of it? Wanting even the basic comfort of a nice bag… why, I could have carried makeup! Or some nice jewelry!” I thought you were supposed to be the social one, Princess! I moaned, stomach twisting and turning, You’re supposed to know what’s proper to say and what isn’t! What are you DOING?! “Hush hush, now!” I declared, maintaining my smile. Unfortunately, Papercut seemed to think I was addressing her, and only seemed to get confused. No matter! “Well, I am sorry, Miss Papercut. While I have no bits on me, I do have an offer for you.” I stood more proudly, chest puffing out with my swollen ego. Wait, swollen? Not in the least! And I couldn’t make my declaration from down here! Papercut flug herself back, bouncing off the wall as I jumped up on her desk. I stood proudly atop my new stage, declaring my intent for the whole world to hear! “I will gift upon this fine Sanatorium a presentable façade! I will use all the magic at my disposal, and clean up the dusty, dirty little corners of this hospital.” I beamed down at the stunned Papercut. “Would that be an acceptable payment for your services?” My heart seemed to be skipping beats out of joy. It seemed like I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed this idea! Oh, Princess, that’s wonderful! Martyr cried, You took my idea! Thank you! Why did you have to talk like that, Baker moaned, Oh god why am I up here why am I talking like this stop stop stoooo~ooo~oop. Should’ve listened to me, Snippy snorted, Terrible idea. You’re an idiot, Celestia. You’re a stupid, stupid idiot. My shoulders twisted. I tried to yank my body down from the desk, and it seemed like, for a second, it worked. It was a jerky motion, one shoulder heaving, and the other nearly collapsing after it, but I did bring myself, and a half dozen hoofprinted papers after me. Princess hardly seemed to notice, still beaming hard enough to make every muscle in my face hurt. When I turned back to Papercut, she was frantically scribbling a note, practically throwing it with her aura. Get out! I, no, Baker was squealing, Go back to the stupid part of me that hated you and never come out! No, no, dearest! Do you have no sense of timing and flair? You know I detest cleaning… but this way, does it not seem so very grand? Like such a noble goal, worthy of the Princess herself? Helping people is always so noble, Princess, Martyr said breathlessly, Thank you for this. Thank you. I hate me! Baker sobbed, I hate me I hate me I hate me! “Well if you want to help clean!” Papercut squeaked, “Then… then yes, why don’t you clean? Right here, you know. In the reception. Where I can watch you work!” “Ah yes, of course you can watch the Princess work her magic! I will be honest, I will not disappoint!” “The Princess…?” Papercut stammered. Clearly in awe! “Oh!” I shushed her enthusiastically, “Our little secret!” I pranced over to the little sitting area, feeling my stomach flip over and over and over again, the only way I could express just how embarrassed I was. Or the only way Baker could feel embarrassed. Such a downer, that Baker! Don’t flaunt that title, please. Don’t be YOU. I merrily hummed the feeling away, prancing about and looking at the little lobby. It was sparsely furnished with a few couches and a few tables, and they all obviously didn’t match. But perhaps with a little bit of rearranging? No, no, I must first do what I set out to do! “Oh, Miss Papercut!” I cheerfully called, “Wherever might I find a bucket?” “There’s a supply closet just down the hall—” she said, right before she suddenly cut off. “But please! Let me get Smiley to grab it for you! I’ll send him a note…” “Oh, there’s no need to pamper me that much! I can fetch a simple bucket for myself! Ta!” “Miss Helios!” Papercut slid forward strangely and bumped off the lip of her desk. She frowned, and I let her be, off to fetch a simple tool for the monumental task at hand! I trotted down a hall I had only travelled once before. The lower floor seemed like it had fewer individual rooms, and more public spaces. It had a large, mostly empty dining hall, where a few sorry-looking groups hunched over bowls, talking quietly among themselves. A kitchen was probably beyond that. There were a few doors that looked like individual offices, and a few open archways to dark, unlit libraries. I stepped aside for one pony hobbling along on a harnessed wooden leg, and another mare, possibly Sputter, pushing a food cart, covered head to toe in old, waxy burns. All lit by those dreary, dusty, crystal lights desperately in need of a recharge. They need me so much more than I thought! They can’t even keep this place well-lit! Baker bubbled inside of me, calmly watching each dim light as it passed. With how rare unicorns are out here, I can see why they wouldn’t want to waste energy on the lights… Then why not just use torches?! Idiots! That’s very unhealthy, Snippy, Martyr said quietly, Ash everywhere… Dust everywhere’s unhealthy too! Snippy moaned, This entire place is an abandoned wreck that should have STAYED abandoned! Goodness, of course they can’t use torches. Even lanterns would be a big risk, Baker mumbled, the building’s made of wood. One small mistake, and the whole place goes up. I let the girls ramble, poking doors and seeing if any of the dark ones opened to something interesting. And while many lead to ghostly offices under dust covers and small closets filled with reams of paper, exactly one door lead to a bucket, a broom, and a small pile of tattered cloth. Half-empty, Snippy snorted, Just like the hospital. Is there even any soap in here? We don’t need soap! I said, lifting the wooden bucket with ease. We have MAGIC! But how much magic? It’s been so hard to cast lately… I’m not stressed, am I?! I can do this rather easily, if I must say so myself! See! I can lift this bucket, make it zip around… I gave it a nice twirl around my head, upturning it, dropping it in a moment of terror, because for a moment it seemed like there might be something inside, but no. Just a cobweb. I returned the item to my aura and trotted back to the entrance hall. You see? Foal’s play! My return was received by a very relieves-looking Papercut. Her desk seemed to be a little bit messier than I remembered, notes floating all around her head. “Welcome back, Miss Helios!” “Good to see you again, Madame Papercut!” I stood proudly at the entrance of the hospital, smiling at the dusty little couches and chairs. I was confident that I could rid them all of all little unwanted bits, plus any other little nasties that lived in the fabric. Soon, the couches would be fluffy, comfy, and luxurious. It’s like this place is just dusted, but never scrubbed or deeply cleaned. I looked up to the high ceiling. And it’s not like the Earth Ponies can reach everywhere. Yes, yes, but it is not matter to us! With nary a glance at the nervous Papercut, I closed my eyes and let my mind relax. I pushed magic into my horn, feeling it flow and fill, feeling the direction and heat as my aura grew brighter and brighter. Unconciously, I lowered my head towards the first bit of furniture, an embroidered couch, and set my mind to the task of picking apart its components— My horn twinged painfully. A shot of cold spiked into my brain. I squealed in pain, and the magic burst out of my horn, flung everywhere in a directionless bubble. Dust sprung up from every surface, leaping off tables like it had just been punched by a tornado. Particles of who-knows-what whipped into the air, shooting in all directions. I closed my mouth as quickly as I could, but not before a lungful of nastiness clogged my insides. GROSS! I was squealing in my head, drowning out every other stray, stupid, pointless thought, because it was GROSS. DISGUSTING. HORRIBLE. AUGH. KILL ME NOW! I wheezed and hacked, eyes watering, knees buckling. I nearly vomited. Somewhere beyond my awareness, Papercut called my false name. Through the pain, I tried to see the effects of magic. Law. Order. Separation, cleanliness, repairs… So many horrible things could have come from a stray blast of that magic! Oh, the furniture could have been reduced to tangled cloth, feathers, and dull wood if it was bad enough…! I was mildly surprised to see everything intact. I mean, the wood no longer seemed to have varnish, but at least they stood a little firmer on their legs. And they were clean! Free of dust and cobweb and any unseemly smudges. But with the dust and varnish flakes settling everywhere, it almost didn’t matter. The area now seemed twice as dirty and was probably three times as dangerous. “I— I can fix this!” I squeaked and tried to lift the rag, batting the dust away from the grime-free tables. But it was no use! Just holding a simple object and flinging it about was making my horn twinge painfully. And as I charged from couch to countertop, I realized I was starting to feel lightheaded, and the punding in my skull was not getting any better. “Oh! This wan’t supposed to happen! I suppose I could sweep, but… Without magic, alas! I am a failure!” “Miss Helios, if you truly aren’t better, I would recommend against exerting yourself! Please!” Papercut cried, “Could you return to your room, maybe wait for Doctor Redheart’s approval for this?” “But I was doing so well! All this morning, I was preforming far more magic than I had in the last few days. No! Perhaps…” I gasped, then coughed up another lungful of dust. “Perhaps doing my hair up expended what little reserves I had?! Did I have to choose between a nice manecut and actually being able to perform the tasks I set out to do?!” “How about you sit down, and wait for—“ “No, no, I must correct this error! With a broom… perhaps, a washcloth,” I shuddered. Oh, being reduced to something so horribly menial! But it’s what we must do! Princess, we’ve already set out and promised we would do this! We simply can’t abandon this! Ignoring it is so horribly selfish, and leaving it to somebody else is such a crime! Please—! “Yes, Martyr, I am going!” “Miss…?” Curtseyed as I passed the desk. At least the varnish on that surface was miraculously untouched, though her papers seemed to have been scattered in the blast. And, of all the strangest things, the ink seemed to be dribbling off nearly every page. Another mess I will have to clean! I hurried back down the hall, determined. “I will return, Miss Papercut!” “Helios, a moment please!” “Yes, I will return in a moment!” Princess, she’s asking you to wait. Why are we still walking away? Because she’s stupid, Snippy remarked. Because we have a very important duty to perform! Martyr corrected, I’m sure Papercut will admire our diligence! Yes. Princess said, That’s part of being a Princess, is it not? Diligence? There was a tingling, nagging little feeling in me now. Something about being a Princess? A question more important than that? No, no, perhaps we were just hungry. Did I even eat breakfast this morning? Oh, silly me! Now stop being a nag, and— Oh look! It’s Smiley! Smiley was trotting towards me, looking in a rush to get back to the entrance, or perhaps to get to another wing of the building. But the moment he saw me, he probably understood how polite it would be to stop and say hello, because he skidded right to a halt. He turned in place, trying to turn his head around just enough to see me through his single eye. “Helios!” he said. “Uh…” “Healer Smiley!” I bowed. Smiley looked away, nervous. “A very good day to you, fine stallion!” “Nah, I’m no Healer, miss—” “Oh goodness, you’re right! You’re cutie mark is a simple hammer, isn’t it?” He glanced over his shoulder, as if to double check. For a moment, all I could see of his face was the twisted, collapsed side of his missing skull. That eye patch may be hiding his lack of eye, but it did nothing to hide his lack of bone and muscle. My eyes immediately dropped to the floor. Now, now, Celestia. Don’t stare! “Yep,” Smiley said, “Used to be a carpenter.” “Used to be?” I asked politely. “Yep. Before I became a nurse, or doctor’s aide. Uh.” The part of his face that could express emotion seemed to frown. “So… Helios. What are you doing up and about?” “I am cleaning! Or, at least I attempted to.” “Attempted… right.” He nodded slowly. “So, are you feeling alright?” “Casting gave me a bit of a headache, certainly. But I cannot let such a small thing like that stop me, can I?” I smiled, and moved further down the hall, back to the supply closet. I fully expected the rushing stallion to go to wherever he was running off to. But instead, he followed me, something like concern on his face. “Well, I’m not unicorn, and I don’t know a lick of magic but uh… Isn’t getting a headache from something like that really bad?” I popped open the door and my head gave another painfully cold twinge. “Hm?!” I squeaked. “Oh not really…” “Just,” Smiley said slowly, “If Papercut or Healer Redheart get a headache, they usually stop with the fancy magic for the day.” “Yes, the fancier magic, perhaps. No more Order spells for me! Just some simple levitations…” I offered him a reassuring smile, but he still looked rather confused. Ah well! I turned back to the closet, and tried to grab the broom in my aura. There was another jolt of pain. “So uh… what are you doing rooting around in there?” Oh woe! I can’t even hold a simple broom in my aura! What am I to do?! Baker shrugged, Pick it up? You mean… in my mouth?! I suppose— How many others have held such a device in their jaws?! Do they clean it in-between uses?! Are you serious? Snippy growled, Do you know friggin ANYBODY who cleans a stupid broom?! My goodness, that broom looks like it could give me splinters! In my MOUTH. That is an entirely new level of terrifying! It’s only just that we use this tool to clean, as it— “Helios?” Smiley asked, somewhere behind me, “Are you alright?” Okay, Martyr, if you want to clean so bad, then you do it! I’ll not go near such a device!  …. Pardon, Princess? There was a frantic throbbing in my heart. My stomach turned over, flopping and twisting, building as the throbbing in my head became more and more intense… And then, it stopped. I blinked, and stared down at the buckets and brooms. “Helios!” Smiley was by my side. A hoof was hanging above my shoulder, hesitantly reaching forward and retreating, never coming into contact. I looked up at him, and he hesitantly took a step back. “You’re not well,” he said, “I don’t know what’s going on, but that can’t be right. It can’t be. So let’s just go back to your room…” “What’s not right?” I asked lightly. “You… you passed out when you reached for the broom, didn’t you?” “Did I?” “And uh… your mane? Or is that just the lighting?” “My mane?” Hair rolled over my face. And in the light, I could have sworn it looked more blue than pink. “Yes. Just a trick of the light. It’s very dim in here.” “Okay…?” I felt like sighing, but what was there to lament? It was my duty, my purpose to do what I had to. And in this moment, what I had to do was clean up the mess I had already made. That much was unequivocally clear. Firm, I ducked into the closet, and dug my teeth into the splintered broom handle. A dustpan forlornly banging off its side, held loosely in place by a thin leather strip. Good. I wouldn’t have to search for it. I turned to Smiley. His one eye was looking somewhere above my head. I gave him a little bow and took my first steps back to the entrance hall, to my true duty here. “Helios? Did you hear me?” I turned back quietly, staring at his hooves. He hadn’t trimmed his fetlocks in a long time. “Will you, please, just put the broom down?” Strange. His voice seemed weak. I wondered what the other parts of me had to say about that. Everyone having a say is very important. But it seemed like they were all having little headaches of their own… I suppose I will have to answer this question on my own then. I shifted the broom to my foreleg and looked up at Smiley. Poor stallion. He seemed incredibly nervous. “This was a mess I made. How rude would it be of me to just leave it? It is an inconvenience to others, and a failure on my part if I falter in this noble duty…” He tried to smile. But a false smile works rather poorly when you only have half a face to work with. Oh, if there was some way to help him… “I could probably fix it up right for you,” he said, “So you could get back to bed.” “How dare you.” I stopped. I gripped the broom tightly in my foreleg. My little heart was fluttering, and Snippy was mumbling in my ears, starting to wake. “To say that I cannot correct the damage I have already caused… To deny me my own punishment! You must let a lady correct her own messes. At least allow me that.” He stared at me. I stared directly back. He took a step backwards, eye wide. I stuck the broom back in my mouth and kept walking on, voices reforming in my head. Princess, Snippy weakly cried, Why did you put Martyr in control? Just so you wouldn’t have to clean? This is awful. She’s worse than you at this. Why does every part of me insult every pony I meet? Baker sobbed, Please. Tell me why. I insulted absolutely no ponies. Princess huffed. I was polite and ladylike in every single interaction with every single subject. Did you just call every pony in this hospital a SUBJECT? Well they are, aren’t they? I hate me. I HATE me. Now now, I thought, walking back into the far-too-dusty entry hall, What will hating yourself accomplish? What pony does that serve? ME! It serves me, and my own sanity. I am not a pony worth preserving, Baker. It is my duty as Princess to serve my people. I have to. What?! Snippy shouted, That sounds a lot like self-hatred to me, Martyr! I don’t hate myself, I just— But before I could complete the thought, Baker interjected. Why do you all keep calling me a Princess?! she lamented, I’m not! I’m not a Princess anymore! “Miss Helios…” Papercut said nervously. I looked up. Oh. I’ve been getting distracted again. How rude of me. “You’re ah… looking a little worse for the wear.” “Do I?” I said lightly. “I assure you. It won’t stop me from fixing my mess.” “I’m not really worried about the dust, Miss Helios. Did you happen to see—” “I am worried,” I said plainly, “From the moment I saw this place, I knew. All that cleaning on the road… it was just practice. I was destined to spend my days scrubbing this Sanatorium clean. This is my solemn duty, and how I must spend my time here.” “Um. That’s some pretty heavy stuff to be deciding, miss Helios.” “No, no, once my magic returns, it will be no problem at all…” I turned to my duty: addressing the dust and varnish chips that now littered the entirety of this little hall. Smiley trotted into the hall as I began, but he instantly dashed into Papercut’s desk and they began having a furiously whispered conversation. I ignored them, and focused entirely on my task. Oh. I thought lightly as the broom clattered out of my legs. I never was the best sweeper. Stupid Martyr! We’ve only ever done this with magic! For stars sake, just give it up! I cannot. I will simply have to learn. It’s actually rather enthralling, and humbling. Having to learn this the difficult way. Princess fretted around my neck. Oh please, no splinters! No splinters eeeep! We’ll mangle our beautiful lips! Princess, why didn’t you STOP HER instead of PUSHING HER FORWARD?! I panicked! “Helios.” The broom was yanked out of my grip, and there was Redheart, holding the broom aloft in her aura. Smiley and Papercut were still huddled by the desk, trying to avoid staring at the two of us. Well, Healer Redheart did seem very serious. I lowered my head in shame. Redheart asked, “Did you, or did you not come to the Sanatorium so that we may help you?” I slowly shook my head. “I came so that I could help you. I am in no need of help.” I nodded, “Whatever I’m going through, it’s earned. My own struggle on the road to self-enlightenment…” “I sincerely doubt sweeping is going to be enlightening or healing for you.” “Spiritually healing, maybe…” “But not physically or emotionally,” Redheart shot, “Didn’t I say that you were poisoned? Did I make it clear that you needed rest?” I nodded to her ankles. “That too is something I must struggle through.” Snippy was moaning and growling in my ear, getting louder and louder. I leaned a little towards her, hoping that she would quiet down soon. Her anger was making it hard to hear. Hey Martyr, could we just listen to the doctor, Snippy’s going to blow a gasket… But this is what I must do, is it not? Snippy growled loudly, her words jumbled. I felt my ears pop painfully. “Helios, I recommend you go up to your room and rest,” Redheart asserted. “Your own health should be your first priority.” “My first priority should never be myself. Thinking only of myself is selfish… Especially when there are so many in need of my help.” “Is struggling to sweep really helping anybody? Does throwing yourself into a difficult situation help anybody?” “I don’t…” I tried to speak, but I could barely hear my voice. My ears were stuffed full of cotton. Angry, bee-filled cotton. “I don’t understand what…” “Please.” Redheart said some more words, but I could barely make them out. She placed a hoof on my shoulder. My shoulder violently flinched. Oh? Why? “…To your room…” “I KNOW!” My ears were ringing. Really loud, annoying ringing! “Do you know how stupid Martyr is… Oh, I can talk now?! Good! You!” I threw Redheart’s hoof off my back, glaring up at her. “I hate you. And I hate that broom. And I hate you.” Papercut leaned back from my jabbing, accusatory hoof. “And I hate this Sanatorium. I hate the dust. I hate the trip to get here. I hate that I ever left Canterlot. But I also hate Canterlot. I hate being here, and most of all, yep, I hate myself. Oh. Do I loathe me. I am just made of pitiful—” Oh please don’t shout at them, oh please… “Self-aggrandizing—“ Please just stop saying words, go back to thinking them… “Worthless—“ Stop, stop, stop, please… “And simpering YOU SHUT UP BAKER.” My stomach rolled over, but screw her! “I am done with this place! Done!” I marched past the doctors— Where the hell is the door?! Behind… Back the other way… Welp, there’s another one right over there! I marched out the back door, because there was a back door, and went into, whaddyaknow?! More garden! More shitty, overgrown, AWFUL garden. Why Snippy? Baker sobbed, I don’t want you in control. You’re not me. You’re just rage and spite and hate. “That TOTALLY describes you, Celestia!” I barked, laughing, “You’re just a mean bitch wrapped up in nice, self-sacrificing clothing! You think you can get angry and not turn into me?!” I wasn’t angry, please, don’t speak aloud. “Yeah, screw you!” I laughed aloud, as I beat my way through brambles and bushes. And I don’t know about the rest of me, but just opening up and shouting at everything feels friggin wonderful. No more polite pussyfooting around. No more simpering and crying about how I should take care of everything. No more quiet whining about hurting peoples’ feelings. Just getting out there and bitching people out! And it didn’t look like they were following me either! Man, they must be so happy to get rid of me. One less bitch to take care of, right?! It wasn’t deserved. They didn’t deserve any of that. “Ahahaha, like I care! I’ve been spending way too much time in the shadows! Now it’s Snippy’s chance to shine!” Why even leave? You’ll hate wherever we go! “Well we’re not staying here! That’s just giving Martyr more chances to embarrass herself!” You’re embarrassing me, Snippy. You all are. You’re all terrible. You’re terrible too, Baker! All just one big horrible, terrible mind! I charged through one last bush, and dropped into an overgrown meadow. There were some benches, some fat pony statue sitting in the grass overgrown with ivy, bronze plaque, whatever, don’t care. “Ooh, walking will be easier for a bit! So let’s—!” Man, I was all ready to charge on by and not give a damn. But my stomach tightened. I was rooted to the spot. “What?!” That. I looked up. “What, the statue?” Look closer. Please. “Why should I?” We shouldn’t leave. It’s important that we stay here. Yes, to clean and help the— Shut up Martyr, Baker thought quietly. “So. Statue,” I squinted up at it, trying to figure out what the blob of it was. “Looks like—“ Alicorn. Baker whispered. It’s a statue of an alicorn. “Naaaah…” Clear some of the ivy. “Pffft. You don’t tell me what to do!” … I suppose I don’t. But. Aren’t you curious? I know I am, Martyr said, Oh yes, Princess spoke up, so intensely curious! “Fine, fine…” I batted and ripped away some of the vines, kicking the grass, kicking the statue, whatever. I didn’t care about any of this. Why should I? They were just getting worked up over… Over… The statue seemed to be sleeping peacefully, resting on all four legs with its head hanging just slightly above the ground. It mane and tail were wild seas of curling hair, a haphazard yet ornate nest of ringlets. It looked insanely messy, yet, noble and even, perfectly suspended in the air. It was an impeccable statue. That same kind of perfect I remember being puzzled by before. The perfect inlay of a cutie mark, the mane so unnaturally light and fluffy, as if every single strand of hair was carved individually. There’s no way that could have been carved. Not by hoof, nor horn. “Okay. Fine. But what’s with the epipath here?” I jabbed at it. “It’s like a bronze plaque. ‘Healer Paleheart was a noble soul, who’s many advancements in internal medicine and pathology shaped the way we think about diseases today— Wow. That’s not short, or simple. More like a life history. Doesn’t even call him a valued friend or anything.” Check the other side, maybe? “But it’s not even on a stand!” Snippy, why can’t you just cooperate? “Same reason none of you bozos every listened to the voices when you were them! You never listened to me, and I’m doing way more to listen to all of you!” Ooh, should we grab her legs? Princess called, excited. Let’s kick her out! Martyr mumbled, No, no, that’s not a proper or nice way to approach this issue… “Fine! I’m going!” I tromped over to the other side, and glared at the ground. “There! Happy?” Oh my… On the other side was not in fact the typical epitaph. I mean, what would they have written on? The ground? No. But. There was writing. If it could be called that. There were a dozen fat scratches, like something had been able to gouge claw marks directly into the stone of Paleheart’s body… They formed a single word: Something deep inside of my shivered, radiating up my back. Who in the world would do this? “I dunno, some crazy pony. Probably a unicorn. I mean, what better to damage rock than a unicorn’s magic?” A unicorn’s magic? Damage, irrevocably, the frozen body of such a perfect, unbreakable statue… “Do we really know that it’s unbreakable? Look!” I grinned, and tapped my hoof to one of the tiny little stone hairs. “you want me to break off a piece and find out?” Oh please no! Do not go so far as to defile the dead, Snippy! Martyr asserted. I will not stand by it! But then, clearly the most important question rose to me, bubbling from my gut. Where’s the Element? “Of all the dumb things to ask—“ Something hard smacked me in the back of the head. Purple lights bloomed in front of my eyes, sending my head reeling. I toppled over, suddenly unable to stand, and flopping into the grass. That piece of quartz spun off into the air above my head, bouncing off Paleheart’s snout and spinning out of sight. “Dammit!” …Was the last thing I heard before I passed out.