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// Entry Fourteen 
// Story: The Hermit's Tale 
// by BlackRoseRaven 
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Entry Fourteen

Terra and I have been on high alert for months now. I'm not sleeping, and struggling to bear up under the weight of not only maintaining Valhalla, but my uneasy alliances, and the secrets I must keep.  I'm only glad that I have Terra beside me... and surprisingly, the strength of her Clan. I never realized how seriously they took these bonds of family and honor. That they would more than accept me, they would treat me as one of their own.
But they're not enough. Perhaps even Hel and Gymbr aren't enough: despite the fact that they're two creatures that could compete on equal ground for the title of most powerful thing ever of to exist, they're also each only one person. Hel has much to rule and contend with – not to mention her own paranoia and madness – and Gymbr cannot simply follow me around constantly. Not even Terra can do that. There's always going to be a moment where I'm vulnerable... or someone else is.
I need to strengthen our relations with our other allies, but... whoever this is, whoever wants to hurt me... they've done more than make an example of the Pious. They've targeted other allies one-by-one, mutilated soldiers, hurt Valhalla, with the clear intent to drive off our allies. And in some cases, it's worked all too well.
The Pious still stand by me, but I sense... they want something. That something has offended them, and they're not here because I want them to be, but because they want something. Maybe that was why they tried to sneak in here through the abuse of Selene's memory in the first place... maybe they're hunting some enemy that slipped its way into Asgard, or our layered corner of the universe. I... I don't know. I don't know... I wish I did, but the Pious won't talk to me. They only hug themselves and bring up the fact that several Pious were murdered in the halls of Valhalla.
Thankfully they seem unaware of the Pious that Gymbr victimized, otherwise I'm sure there would be... problems. But as a related side-note, I have finally discovered what their self-embracing gesture means: it's how they 'protect' themselves from nonbelievers. It's not a greeting. It's putting up a wall between themselves and the 'unwashed.'
So even from the beginning, they judged me unworthy. Well, considering the fact they make this gesture any time they communicate with someone who is not Pious, I suppose that means they see everyone outside of their own strange culture as unworthy. But this only makes me wonder all the more exactly why they're here in the first place; it makes me all the more concerned they're here for what was formerly a personal problem that is now becoming a threat to all of us. I don't know why or how, but that's the feeling I'm getting more and more of.
Do they need us for some reason? Was the attack targeting them, and Valhalla collateral damage, or some kind of bonus? What aren't they telling us? No, I can't... focus on that right now. Getting any information from the Pious is worse than pulling teeth. I'll do better if I think about the things that I can affect right now, that I can get the answers to. That I can actually figure out and maybe even succeed in doing something about.
So much power standing at my side... and I'm so helpless. Valhalla's lockdown didn't catch the unknown assassin, and Freya was unable to prevent his escape. And I can't even pretend it's a possibility that it was sent by Hel... that wouldn't make any sense, even by her insanity and twisted logic. And if she had sent it just to make a point, she would have bragged about it by now.
All I can do is make sure that Terra is safe, even when it means shearing down my own security detail, even when it means putting myself at risk. But I accept that. I fear that Terra might be targeted precisely because she seems like a stupid choice to attack... but people all too often forget that the stronger a demon is, then often the more violent its reaction to purifiers and blessed tools. The right wards would still snare Terra, the right weapons will ignore the fact her scales are metal... the right arrow will still pierce her skull or her heart, and inflict all the trauma necessary to kill her.
In a way, I'm more durable. I can transform myself, I can't bleed to death, my blood itself is my weapon and defense. And I'm as used to pain as Terra is, even if we lived very different lives before we met. And I have to protect her... I have to. I've failed in everything else but I refuse to fail in this.
I'm now... trying to figure out what my next move should be. How to answer all these questions. What I should do for Valhalla, how much aid I should accept from Hel, whether or not I should bother trying to get all the rats that want to jump ship to stay, or let these 'allies of Valhalla' return to their bunkers and hidey-holes. Any more than I'm sure about how many of them I should call in promises from and remind of their oaths... if binding them here is a justified course of action, or if it would instead make me a bigger coward and possibly a murderer when they do nothing but quail from... whatever might yet rear its ugly head.
My fingers tap slowly at my desk, and I sigh as I make a few more notes on the page. I've learned that I can modify this enchantment to let myself write, add my own thoughts, in between the lines the enchantment records for me. It's a little sloppy still, but I can take care of that in editing, like everything else.
It feels like... years since the wedding. And yet it's only been a few months. So much has happened, though, so much has gone completely out of my control, and these events are all documented in a separate log I've created for clarity's sake. I have every intention of continuing this narrative, this narrative of answers... but the new log concerns only questions, and this period of... I don't know what to call it. Uncertainty. Fear. I can't call it war, after all... you can't declare war on a concept, not literally. It might sound good for me to declare war on the enemies of Valhalla, but I don't even know which enemy attacked me, and the dark corners such a 'war' could turn...
I shake myself out, then toss down my quill almost angrily. I close my eyes and try to concentrate. I shiver a little, then look down at the paper and wish... I had an answer. Any answer. I wish that things made sense. I wish that I could make things make sense. But I can't: everything that I had almost convinced myself was just paranoia is coming to pass, and it's making me wonder if I caught some vision of the future, or my subconscious has been trying to warn me for decades that... this was going to happen. Either self-destruction, or invasion from a foe I don't even know the name of.
Slowly, I pick myself up from the table, my head bowed, my eyes closed. I hear the enchantment continuing to write, and I only hope that... among all the garbage, the nonsense, the filtered lies, some piece of truth will be revealed. Some hint, because... I'm afraid now. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to stop this.
I turn around... and Hel is there. I stumble back against the desk, jarring it before I grit my teeth: she's inside my study. She passed through the wards, the high security, the lockdown with ease, and I open my mouth... but as fast as the anger comes, it dies into something like despair, and I slump into a sigh before raising my eyes and asking in what's almost a whisper: “What?”
“So defeatist. Come on, chin up, it ain't over 'til it's over!” Hel encourages, smiling and swinging an arm in front of her in an encouraging gesture. I just look at her sourly.
There's an awkward quiet for a few moments, and then Hel huffs at me, rolling her eyes and throwing her arms up. “Oh fine, be that way. Anyway, Kvasir, I just wanted to check in on you. Do you know why I wanted to check in on you? Go ahead, ask me why.”
I continue to only glower at her.
Hel grumbles at me, then reaches up and pokes my nose a few times. “Spoilsport. But in a way, yes, that's exactly why I'm checking up on you. You've assigned your wifey-poo two of her big scary clan-brothers to watch out for her, and you've even gone to the trouble of getting bodyguards for Aria, even though word on the grapevine is she kind of hates you. And what about you? You carry around an alarum charm in your pocket, and sometimes you walk around with a Hellhound. You're welcome, by the way.”
I shake my head, muttering: “Gymbr's response time is literally seconds. Often shorter than that. He also seems to enjoy... being useful.”
“That's one way to put it.” Hel says ironically, and I scowl at her before the goddess shakes her head and pokes at her own temple. “Look, do you not think I get what you're doing? Saying you're bait, sure. Making yourself live bait. Acting like you're confident Gymbr's going to get there in time if anything happens and save your butt. But of course, leaving out the fact that Gymbr is spending a lot of time wandering outside of Valhalla, and you're forgetting that Gymbr can't really save you from getting shot in the back of the head.
“You're being suicidally reckless because you've got this notion in your head that death is redemption, and if you die, they'll leave everyone else alone. Maybe you even think you've got he puzzle worked out, but truth be told, you have no idea what the hell is going on, do you? You're nothing but a stupid idiot, determined to get himself killed as part of some noble sacrifice.”
“It's nothing like that.” I growl, and I shake my head slowly before reaching up and covering my eyes with one hand, bowing my head as I say quietly: “It's nothing at all like that. I don't want to lose Terra. I don't want to leave Terra alone. But I'll do anything to protect her, too. They seem to want me... you and Gymbr both focus on me. I'm King of Valhalla.”
“Exactly. You are King of Valhalla. You need to watch out for yourself.” Hel says quietly, and I frown up at her, but we only look at each other silently before the ice puppet of the goddess smiles at me. “I like you, you know. I'd never kill you. Hurt you, sure; screw with you, maybe put a scare into you now and then, but you know even at my maddest I'd never kill you, Kvasir. You're kinda pretty, and kinda smart. That makes you pretty smart!”
“Thanks.” I say moodily, looking uncertainly at Hel, and the goddess shrugs before she leans forwards pointedly, and I shift before shaking my head, muttering: “But I'm not going to change my plans. Even if things have been... repaired, and bolstered... even if...”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're stubborn, you know what's best, you want to be your own big man, whatever.” Hel waves a hand dismissively, and then she glances moodily back and forth before leaning forwards and enunciating slowly and clearly: “I am not your enemy, Kvasir. I've even let you have my precious dragon clan, haven't I? I want you in Valhalla. You, in Valhalla, helps me. I am not your enemy.”
“I know.” I feel a little uneasy, looking up at Hel with a slight frown. She looks seriously back at me, and for a moment I catch a glimpse of her paranoia before she smiles again and puts her hands together, nodding to me.
“Just making sure. Just making sure you all know.” she says, putting strange emphasis on the phrase, and I frown a little at this before the goddess points at me and says firmly: “Watch out, Kvasir. Because you might all call me paranoid, but in time you might learn I'm not paranoid at all. I'm just prepared for the worst case scenario.”
And with that, Hel vanishes. I shift uneasily, then shake my head out slowly before I sigh and look at my desk. The quill is still writing quickly over the paper, and I have a few... I don't know, I want to work on the narrative further, but right now I feel I need to clear my head. I need a walk. I need to go and see Terra.
I head to the door and open it, then look down mildly as the Hellhound sprawled in front of the closed door looks up and barks at me. It's wearing a glinting metal armor over what would otherwise be exposed, frosty organs, and it barks once at me as it looks up with glowing eyes of ghostfire, giving me a rather... doggish expression for a massive hunting hound of ice and death from Helheim.
I roll my eyes distastefully, then gesture awkwardly at it with one hand. I'm much more of a cat person, but a Hellhound is intelligent enough to serve as a loyal guardian with the right instruction. I can't help but feel my mind wander to what Hel told me when she first gave this to me: it will be loyal to me because she's been having an ice construct shaped like me and dressed in my clothes train it.
That thought always makes me feel a little violated.
I glower at the Hellhound as it attempts to jump up and lick my face. I still have the feeling that it's been trained to give this greeting whenever it sees me. “That's enough, Lexrex. Heel.”
The Hellhound drops down obediently, even seems to nod to acknowledge the order. And when I turn and head through the halls, the massive beast-demon strides beside me calmly. I can't help but glance at it meditatively, then put my hands behind my back as I return my eyes upwards and keep myself moving.
Patrols of guards pass, and many of the civilian employees are moving in groups for safety. Valhalla has never seen this kind of attack during my reign: the slaughter of allies and councilors inside our own halls, followed by an attack on the King. An attack that was... sloppy, really, even if the aggressor escaped Freya's wrath. Where he stabbed me still hurts: the knife would have killed me if he'd hit any vital organs. He could have killed me.
But I don't think that was the point; I think the point was already made with the deaths of the Pious and my associates. I think the point was emphasized by the attack made against me, but I don't think that was part of the plan. I think someone saw their chance, and decided to take it. Decided to try and do something that would inspire further fear, further pain... perhaps further anger.
I always think better while walking. I lower my head slightly, and Lexrex half-guides me onwards as my mind slips back and forth, rehashing memories, trying to find the clue I know must be here somewhere. Trying to figure things out.
This all began as a confession... but what if there was something else in my subconscious? What hint could I have missed...  why do I feel this was all inevitable, and triggered by some decision in the past? Gymbr, Hel, this assassin, my allies, and myself... we're all woven together in some intricate web I don't have the tools to decipher, but I started all this. I did something that started all this... or at least, I had a hand in what began this catastrophe.
Part of me thinks that it's Gymbr: part of me prays that Gymbr is actually our salvation from this nightmare, and reassures me the only reason I've locked onto him as the core, the root of the problem, is because he's so powerful, and I worry about his... lacking morality. And envy and fear his power, even if he's now very glad to serve as the teeth of the trap that I've baited with myself.
But my crimes began with him, didn't they? I felt that I had to confess, had to reveal everything he's done... the evils. That I brought him here. That he's killed and that he's kidnapped, but that he promises it's all in the name of... something good. How he pleads with me to trust him and how... I want to. Am I just revealing my weakness? Or is there something hidden there, too, like a gemstone buried in the depths of a lake, twinkling through the glassy surface of the water...
I look up and realize I've already reached my quarters. I gesture to Lexrex to sit and stay, and the Hellhound obediently does so. That makes me smile wryly: if only my other employees could be so brave and so smart. Pipsqueak and Excelsior are both still hiding from me as much as possible... but I'm not going to punish Pipsqueak for running away, any more than I'm going to punish Excelsior for... well, being himself.
I push through the door and into the short hall beyond. The door at the end is guarded by an immense Clan-brother of Terra's, but he bows respectfully at my approach and moves out of the way as best he can. I nod back, then awkwardly slip by and through the doors beyond.
Terra looks up with a smile from the enormous bed we've had installed in this set of guarded and warded rooms we've been staying in. They're comfortable, just... different from what we're used to, and I know she's been unhappy not working, spending most of her days in these rooms or helping with diplomacy, so... I'm happy to see her smile.
I approach her, and she shifts out of bed to lean down and kiss my forehead. I sigh a little, but look up at her tenderly as she asks quietly: “Anything happen, Kvas?”
“Hel, but nothing else. Nothing sane.” I shake my head slowly, then glance up at her. “I just wanted to stop in and see you. You settle my thoughts.”
“Well, I hope so.” Terra smiles at me, and we both shift a little before she strokes my hair back, and I grumble a little and shift awkwardly, but she only murmurs: “I love you, you know, Kvasir. And I want to be by your side, not sealed up in here...”
“I... I know. I care very deeply for you as well.” I say uncomfortably, and Terra smiles at me, but there's that faint... twist visible in her eyes. I hate that. I wish I could fix it... I know I could, with a few simple words, but...
I can't form them, I can't speak them. I don't know why. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, and a little afraid. It makes me afraid of making them worthless, of poisoning their value. It makes me feel like a hormonal teenager who doesn't even understand what he's really saying.
I've said... those words to Terra twice in our entire relationship. When they felt right. Terra finds it easier to say, and tells me every night – if not every conversation – and there's always that uncomfortable moment when I smile back but don't say anything, or when I manage to mumble some return of affection that tactically – although rarely tactfully – avoids those specific words.
There's silence between us, and then Terra clears her throat before she reaches up and strokes under my chin gently. “Look, you go ahead, and go... back to work. I'll come over to your study in a few minutes.”
“Terra, you should stay here, and I can stay with you...” I start, but Terra shakes her head firmly and then briskly shakes me a few times, making me wince.
“No, I want to come over to you. Give me a few minutes, then I'll come to you.” she says firmly, and I sigh tiredly but nod moodily after a few moments, figuring there's no other real response I can make. I can't exactly come up with a decent argument as to why she should remain in seclusion without getting my head literally chewed on, after all. At least, not in such short time. And honestly... a little actual privacy with her in my study, time to discuss things... it might be good.
I look up at her, and then I reach up and touch her face gently. She smiles a little at me after a moment, softening, some of her frustration fading, and I nod once before turning and heading out. I once more pass by the large dragon guarding her.
I step outside, and Lexrex greets me with his usual lick before I sigh and order him to heel with a quick gesture. He does so, and trots happily along beside me. We make our way back towards my study, and I'm thankful that things are... quiet. But I hate the sight of patrols and guards... I hate the fact that... so many people are afraid. That Valhalla is under siege from unknown enemies, and forced to rely on... uncertain allies.
I want to save them if I can... and I shake my head slowly at this thought. It's painful, in a way, because it makes me think of Gymbr's promise... and I'm unsure of how much I can trust him. I'm unsure of what the cost of saving Valhalla could be, especially by methods like... his.
These thoughts refuse to leave my mind as we continue on our way towards my study. I still can't... get my mind entirely around Gymbr. Every time I think I understand the creature, it does something new, or acts in some unexpected, strange way. And it's made so much more frustrating by the way that part of me still wants to trust in the creature, still wants to treat Gymbr like a friend.
How can we be friends, though? Gymbr is both ultimate god and ultimate monster. Gymbr says it would be happy to act as servant, and then grows furious when it's treated as such. I don't know what precisely to make of the creature, or even if I should bother: part of me wants to see just how much control I really can exert over the beast, and send him as far away from myself and Terra as possible... except that would leave me exposed, and vulnerable, and Valhalla without the... the ultimate weapon I had originally intended him to be.
That makes me halt in the middle of the hall, then shake my head and hurriedly stride onwards as Lexrex whines at me curiously. But I'm fast to regain my composure, faster still to correct myself. Thinking like that... of Gymbr as some tool, some weapon alone... that makes me sound like Valthrudnir. I would much rather be the naïve idiot who thought he could make friends with the maleficent god-beast than Valthrudnir.
Yes, it was... pity, that moved me first. It was sympathy for the creature, not hate, not just a desire for power, even if I can't lie to myself and say I didn't want a strong guard dog for Valhalla, too, a powerful deterrent. But if that was all I was interested in, I wouldn't keep... reaching out to Gymbr in the way that I do. And I wouldn't be so goddamn confused about what I'm supposed to do with the creature, especially at such a critical juncture like this. I just wish I could control not just my emotions, but my obsession with logic too.
We reach the door of my study, and I order Lexrex to wait: the Hellhound flops down, and I sigh tiredly and roll my eyes before pushing through the door... and staring in surprise when I see Gymbr in the center of the room. The creature is looking across at me calmly, and I look back as I give an uneasy look at the door; there should have been some alarm set off by Gymbr, even some kind of... tickle in my mind, some instinct...
I close the door and look towards the quill still complacently writing over the sheets of parchment on the desk. I quickly pull my eyes away, but know that Gymbr has already noticed my look... except the creature is still looking straight at me. Still studying me intently, and I shift uneasily before asking finally: “What is it?”
“You want to save them if you can... but you doubt in our ability to.” Gymbr echoes thoughts I had only moments before, and I realize... he's already seen the narrative. Likely knows the entire series of thoughts I've been thinking, and the creature shakes its head slowly before murmuring: “We asked you to trust in us. To keep our secrets... and now find that you have been... recording conversation. Making this a story... and we are not fond of being trapped and entwined in a story, Kvasir. We are not fond of that at all.”
I shift slowly, and Gymbr's burning emerald eyes bore into me as the creature leans forwards. I swallow a little, then shake my head before forcing myself to breathe slowly as I straighten and reply in an even voice with a half-lie, hoping that it doesn't see through me: “It's a narrative I've been working on, if you must know, Gymbr. I am entitled to record my thoughts and to a little privacy, furthermore. This is just meant for... personal review.”
Gymbr takes a moment to digest this, and then he closes his eyes and tilts his head back and forth meditatively before he says finally: “It is of no importance. The past is the past, it cannot help the present or the future. Not when we believe we have figured out our answer.”
I frown at this, and Gymbr looks up at me, saying quietly: “But you must trust us. Perhaps we have done much to violate your trust, perhaps we do not deserve to ask for your trust... but we do, all the same. We desire you to trust us, Lord Kvasir, because we desire to help you, to save you. To help and save Heaven itself. But we need your trust.”
I shift a little at this, but before I let myself agree or refute the creature, I ask uneasily: “What is this... answer that you've found? Evidence against someone? Who sent the assassin?”
“That, and more. We have found something else that desires to 'save' our universe. But it would do great harm in doing so... although it would perhaps ultimately bring true salvation, yes. Order and law, and a singular belief... but a terrible peace. A soulless peace.” Gymbr's eyes burn as it leans forwards, saying in a more-determined voice: “The cycle of light and darkness, chaos and war, where good and evil will remain embattled forever... the universe cannot be saved by a distortion in the balance, but only by fueling the conflict and the war. By giving more reasons to fight. By bringing more darkness, to keep the light poisoned and at bay, while enjoying the flaying, the suffering, the penance we must pay and the havoc we must bring!”
I stare at the creature, my mind trying to make sense of it, my breathing heavy, my head shaking weakly in denial. What have I done? What have I brought back?
Its belief consumes it like madness. It breathes hard in and out, its eyes turning towards me and staring, its soulstone heart glowing, pulsing out of its chest like some sick phosphorescent tumor. It grins at me, then steps towards me, saying coldly: “We shall save you all. You cannot understand yet, but in time, you will. You will.”
“Gymbr, stop!” I shout, in fear and desperation... and to my surprise, the monster actually halts. I stare at it, breathing hard, and it frowns at me as if in confusion before slowly raising its head.
“You are confused. You are frightened?” The last is querulous, not as solid a statement as the first. Then it leans further forwards and shakes its head, trying to be soothing. Looking almost... startled. “No, do not compare us to the Gymbr that is passed! We are not that Gymbr, we are... our purpose is to protect, not destroy! You have taught us much, and we do not seek to make our own dark kingdom... we only seek to stop the plague that is coming. The so-called 'good' that will poison us all... that will obliterate us, and our allies, and all who would stand against them. They chase the Pious here... these Pious are like the vermin that flee the forest, with the wildfire following in their wake...”
“Stop talking in riddles and tell me what you mean! Show me evidence!” I snap, and it's a mistake. I understand it's a mistake too late, as Gymbr is suddenly in front of me, his hooves now claws that have seized into my shoulders, his eyes meeting mine, faces inches apart.
“Remember our promise, Lord Kvasir. No matter what we say... no matter what we may seem... in the times ahead, we are not the villain. We shall not be made the villain of the piece. We desire to protect you. To protect Valhalla. To protect the ponies. We wage war with darkness, and hate, and wrath, and evil. But we are not the enemy.”
I look at the creature, swallowing slowly... but my body stills as our eyes lock, my mind falls silent, and my heart calms. I feel... I don't feel afraid anymore. This is what had to come to pass, that I've known... maybe since I saved the creature. I first trusted it. And now all I can do is trust in it one last time, and with that... there's this sudden, almost inexplicable calm. But I can't fight it anyway, can I? If I'm wrong, yes, I die... but if I'm right, like I want to be, like that part of me still pleads for me to believe...
I just wish that I could tell Terra how much I love her, before... my narratives crash rudely to their end. Before I find out... what's at the end of my path.
I breathe slowly in and out, and then I finally lower my head and close my eyes, saying quietly, mustering up the little dignity I can through this moment of calm I've been granted: “I do trust you, Gymbr. More than I should. More than you've ever given me reason to, probably because I always wanted to believe... saving you was not a mistake.”
Gymbr smiles at me, and then I look up at it silently, the two of us looking at one-another before Gymbr says quietly: “Then trust in us, Lord Kvasir. And we shall show you the salvation for a universe that cannot be saved.”
I don't have a choice. I'm not afraid anymore, and yet all the same, I feel a tear slide down my cheek as I hang limp in Gymbr's claws, unable to fight, unable to do anything as there's a glow, a surge, a feeling of energy and reality bending and then