//------------------------------// // The Day Applejack Learned to Embrace the Nap // Story: A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events // by Shanenator //------------------------------// A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events Original concept written and edited by Shanenator Chapter Four: The Day Applejack Learned to Embrace the Nap Thanks to Carpe Diem and Cyneryk for pre-reading! It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining brightly. The birds were chirping merrily. The soft breeze was flowing blissfully. The air was fresh and cool. Rainbow Dash had actually gotten up and cleared the deep blue sky of clouds, much to my undying surprise. All in all, it was the perfect day, and everypony in town was outdoors enjoying the amazing weather. And I hated every bit of it. Yes, I’ll freely admit it, I was in a bad mood. Okay, maybe ‘bad’ isn’t quite a strong enough adjective. I was in a HORRENDOUS mood. Why, one might ask? Well, to be entirely truthful, it was a combination of several things. But it basically all boils down to one simple concept. I was stressed out. Let me just emphasize this now: this is not normal for me. I mean, come on. What is there that can possibly cause me actual worry? I’m kinda the biggest thing to come to town since…um…uh…something really good that came to town. Which, seeing as how things have progressed thus far, I would say happened a long time ago and wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy on a relative scale. Unless, of course, one counts Princess Celestia’s visit for the Summer Sun Celebration. But I mean, really. That’s no big deal. Celestia’s not all that she’s cracked up to be. But nopony ever listens to me on that one so I won’t press the issue. Maybe I should write a book explaining why ponies should listen to my warnings about Celestia…hmm…nah. Too much effort with not enough returns. Anyways. Stress. It’s not normal for me. Deadlines? Pshaw. I skip half of them anyways. Failing tests? I don’t really care in the first place, so not really a big deal for me. Financial security? Puh-lease. I’m Celestia’s personal student for crying out loud. Basically what I’m trying to get at is that the ‘normal’ things that cause ‘normal’ ponies to stress out don’t really have an effect on me. So why was I stressed? For the first thing, the last few days had been positively CRAZY and I was nowhere near as rested as I should have been. Normally when I’m tired I get cranky, but that’s just the start of my problems. Let me just say this now: libraries are VERY crappy places to live. Don’t let anypony say otherwise. It’s dusty, musty, and the very air itself feels like it’s trying to suffocate you. If that’s not bad enough, this particular library seems to have been upgraded to double as a home at the last minute, which would explain why I sleep in the loft where all the hot, humid, dusty air is. And, for some reason, Celestia did not see fit to get me a very nice bed. The one I have back in Canterlot is three times as nice as the lumpy, smelly, good-for-nothing insult to beds everywhere that I own now. I swear, sometimes it seems like Celestia’s only goal is to make me miserable. She’s very good at it. However, I’m not so easily defeated. If she thinks I’m actually going to use that sorry excuse for furniture, she’s nuts. A pile of beanbags, pillows, and blankets on the floor is all I need for a solid day’s worth of sleeping, lazing, and relaxing. And Spike has his basket, so nopony has to suffer from that monstrosity sitting in my loft. No problems at all. Except for, of course, the obvious one that I haven’t been able to sleep enough. Then there’s these darned friendship reports. It’s such a hassle, always keeping an eye out for some friendship-related ‘disaster.’ To make matters worse, I failed my teleportation test yesterday. I can’t believe she expected me to be able to teleport three times in quick succession! That’s way too difficult! She’s so unfair. As a result, I have even more studying and assignments to deal with than usual. Then there’s this whole Gala ticket nonsense. Now THAT day took a lot out of me, what between the physical labor and abuse. Not to mention mental scarring. And the fact that the ticket is STILL pasted to the back of my head under my mane does not help my attempts to forget all about it. It’s also quite itchy and irritating. Again, Celestia doing what she does better than anything else: making me suffer. And, to top it ALL off, I still have that blasted history report to do. So, yeah. Stressed. The look on my face right now as I trudged through Ponyville Square resonated with a very definite ‘the world better just get out of my way’ vibe, as evidenced by the several ponies who had hastened to remove themselves from my immediate path, often times with a surprised or awkward yelp or exclamation. To prove my point, I growled at the purple drunk one as she stumbled into my path. Even in her inebriated state, her eyes widened with fear and she immediately knew there was nothing she’d rather do at that moment than get the buck out of my way. Finally. A little respect. As I walked, I spotted Ditzy Doo flutter gently past. I snickered as I saw her face. It was the talk of the town, really. Poor Ditzy woke up one morning with her eyes totally crossed. And she couldn’t get them back to normal. Better yet, nopony knows how to fix it! Her friends were clueless and the doctors tried everything. She swears that she ‘just doesn’t know what went wrong.’ I smirked malevolently as she rammed right into a lamppost face first and uttered a muffled apology. This was probably the happiest I’d been in days. Ahhh…sweet, sweet revenge… So here I was walking through town heading back from the marketplace, just wishing that the world would go die and leave me alone, when the strangest thing happened. The ground began to shake. Well I’ll be damned, it would appear that an earthquake has struck this Luna-forsaken town! Perhaps my prayers have finally been answered for once! At last! Catastrophe strikes and the town will be leveled! Homes reduced to rubble! Uncontrollable flames will break out! The water tower will collapse and flood half the town! Chaos will reign supreme! And, after I save everypony in town using my super-magical-awesomeness, I will be given a medal, cookies, and will be able to return to my nice bed in Canterlot and forget this whole mess ever happened. Well…I’ll probably still write to Applejack. She’s a good friend. Maybe…maybe I’ll invite Rarity to come join me. She’s always wanted to live in Canterlot, right? Hmm…there was an opening for a caretaker of the Royal Gardens if I remember correctly…maybe Fluttershy would be interested? Oh…and I’ll probably come back to Sugarcube Corner at some point. Pinkie’s cupcakes are honestly very, very tasty. And…I suppose if Rainbow Dash ever gets into the Wonderbolts, I’ll go see her show. But other than all of that, I’ll totally forget this whole ‘come to Ponyville and make friends’ nonsense ever happened. Right. …Right. It was then that my happy ruminations and subsequent uncertainties were quashed into irrelevance as a particularly obnoxious voice belonging to a very specific rainbow-maned pegasus rang out: “STAMPEDE!!” Eh, I would’ve preferred the earthquake, but this might not be half bad. Maybe my crappy library-house will be trampled and I’ll have to return to Canterlot? Probably far too much to ask for, but a mare can still dream, right? I’m hoping at least a good portion of the town gets leveled. History in the making, right here! That would make for the easiest report ever. And I’ll still get my cookies and medal. Wait a second…stampede? Stampede of what? Quickly forgetting about my prior foul mood in favor of my curiosity and hopefulness of imminent destruction, I hastened to the edge of town where I heard Rainbow cry out. As I went, I was not particularly surprised, and also rather pleased, to see the majority of the townsponies freaking out, running about aimlessly, and shutting themselves up in their cute little wood and straw homes as if that would save them. Yes! Destruction was nigh! This was my chance at fame and fortune! Grinning proudly, I drew myself up to my full height as I trotted, exuding confidence with every step. Fear not, Ponyville! The heroine you’ve been waiting for has arrived! At long last, my time to shine has come! For honor! For glory! For cookies and naps! Turning a corner, I finally saw the distinctive form of Rainbow Dash hovering in the air and peering out towards the horizon. I noted with some amusement that she was biting her forehooves in apparent apprehension. Hmmm…perhaps she actually does have a heart? Maybe. I added it to my mental list of ‘things to discreetly find out about Rainbow Dash’ right next to the item ‘gay?’ Another acceptable list. It’s been added to the very short list of lists that are acceptable to keep. Okay, so maybe I do list just a bit. It’s very helpful for a mare as busy as I am! Well…mentally busy. Following Rainbow’s most unbecoming worried stare, I was greeted by the sight of a veritable horde of cows barreling towards Ponyville at high speed with Equestria’s largest dust cloud right behind them. Wait, really? A stampede of cows? Aren’t they, like, intelligent? And therefore capable of realizing that stampeding over a town of ponies is NOT the best way to be a model Equestrian citizen? Or, for that matter, not the best way to prevent oneself from being shipped off to the Griffon Kingdoms to be…well…eaten? Yeah. Griffons are weird like that. I wonder if cows taste good…? No! Bad thoughts! No eating living, sentient creatures, even if they are incredibly murderous, stupid, and/or potentially delicious! It was then that my internal musings were interrupted by the second most obnoxious voice in Ponyville. And, as usual, it had nothing particularly interesting to say. “He-e-ey! Th-thi-is ma-ake-es m-my-y vo-oic-ce so-oun-nd si-ill-ly!” “Pinkie Pie?! What are yo – never mind. Just keep doing what you’re doing.” I swear, I will never understand that mare. If she wants to goof around in the middle of a crisis, that’s her choice. I, meanwhile, have lives to save. Then a new voice sounded above the crowd. “Everypony calm down! There is no need to panic!” Ah, and that would be the mayor of this completely backwards town being, just as expected, completely backwards. I may not be a genius…okay, I actually am, but still. Anypony can see that a horde of stampeding murderous cows barreling straight towards their homes and livelihoods is, in fact, sufficient reason to be slightly un-calm, if not downright panicked. Typical corrupt politicians. It’s all secrets and lies with them. But, come to think of it, this scenario would be waaaay less frightening if all the cows were wearing cowbells. Yeah, that’s it. Definitely needs more cowbell. Rarity, however, seemed to be buying her words at least a little bit. “But Mayor! Whatever shall we do?” she cried dramatically, placing a hoof to her forehead. I was about to open my mouth to offer an extremely intelligent suggestion when I was rudely interrupted by Ponyville’s most talented interrupter. “Look there!” Rainbow shouted, pointing a hoof. Sigh…another brilliant idea lost in the winds of time. Following her hoof, I was shocked to see the form of a pony smack-dab in the middle of the stampede of rampaging bovines. What a clumsy buffoon! What was she, crazy? How in the hay did she even get there? Perhaps she started the stampede in the first place! What a murderous plot! Nopony could ever trace the dastardly crime to them! Except for me, of course. I was just about to spring into action to either save or apprehend the mysterious figure when I realized who exactly it was. It was Applejack! No! Not Applejack! What was she thinking? Was she crazy? I had to save her! She could get trampled! She could get hurt, or worse! Any number of things could go wrong! She could be…whooping and hollering like a madmare? Sure enough, the Applejack we all knew and lov – were friends with was running right alongside those rampaging monsters, her trusty dog Winona in tow. And they appeared to be having a blast. Maybe this was some kind of sport here in Ponyville? How very odd indeed. The small crowd that had gathered to watch, including the mayor and my friends, began to cheer loudly for Applejack, further providing evidence for my ridiculous theory. How abhorrent! These ponies were acting like it was FUN to watch ponies risk their lives in a stampede! What an awful thought. Getting impaled on horns and trampled to death while ponies cheer for you is NOT my idea of a good time. Who could enjoy such a thing? What barbarians! Thus, I was busy biting my forehooves and hoping Applejack wasn’t about to be smashed into orange marmalade. I ignored Pinkie’s sudden appearance right next to me, as well as her random remark about ‘best rodeo show ever,’ although I suddenly found myself craving popcorn. I had to do something! Applejack was out there trying to save the town by herself and I was just standing around! But before I could piece together and enact any brilliant plans I was spellbound by what I saw next. Applejack was certainly somepony to watch. Seemingly without effort, she whipped out her trusty rope, jumped on top of a cow while it was running, whirled it about, lassoed the ringleader cow, obviously the mob boss who’d called a hit on all of us, and then proceeded to drag the deranged animals away from Ponyville just as they were about to cross the bridge and level half the town. …Well that happened. I couldn’t really believe it. This Luna-forsaken town had been threatened, and then promptly saved, in all of about five minutes. That’s no time at all! How am I supposed to save the town with such a short time limit? Goodbye, sweet cookies… All around me, ponies began to break out into cheers. I suppose it was only natural for them to rejoice in their newfound safety and praise the pony responsible. I begrudgingly joined in. “Yes. Woohoo, Applejack. Wasn’t she great.” …What? It’s the thought that counts. After a few moments, Applejack appeared on the horizon, Winona by her side, and she waved her hat to the town before barreling off, probably back to the farm. Wow. What a workaholic. If I had just saved the town from imminent disaster, which I totally could have, I’d be relaxing right about now and milking the glory for all it’s worth. Guess she’s a better pony than I am. Or stupider. Probably the latter. I’m pretty darn smart. Well I guess that’s it for today. No more town-wide threats to deal with. Off to go take a nap… “YEEHAW! RIDE ‘EM COWPONY!” Pinkie shrieked at the top of her lungs as she spazzed her way across the square. I rolled my eyes and tried desperately not to facehoof. “Applejack was just…just…” I suddenly heard the mayor saying, clearly attempting to find a word sufficient to describe the farmer’s most recent exploit. I opened my mouth to suggest what was, in fact, the perfect word, but I’m afraid somepony else beat me to it. “APPLETASTIC!” Pinkie shouted again. I couldn’t help it. I facehoofed. No, Pinkie, that’s not even close to the words she’s really looking for. In fact, that’s not even a word at all. So glad you had something intelligent to contribute to the conversation. Seriously, sometimes she needs to just go away or shut up, I can’t take her constant yapping all the time. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Pinkie certainly has her strong points. She’s always smiling. She’s a great cook. She’s…um…pink. But other than that: TOTAL. DISASTER. “Exactly!” The mayor’s voice cut through the silence easily as she decided to play the safe, nonaggressive card and ignore Pinkie’s complete and utter unhelpfulness. “We must do something to thank Applejack for single-hoofedly saving the town.” I sighed in anguish again. Yet another reminder of my long-lost opportunity. “I know!” Pinkie spoke up excitedly. Oh boy, here we go… Am I surprised? No, not in the slightest. Should I be? Of course not. Totally predictable. Yet, at the same time, am I also relieved that it wasn’t something much, much crazier? Yes. Very much yes. As anypony who’s known Pinkie for half a second could guess, we were currently in the process of throwing Applejack a giant party. And by ‘we,’ I mean the entire town. Which of course means that the party is several days AFTER she actually saved the town because we had to gather all the supplies, evenly distribute tasks, and organize a town-wide effort in the most bureaucratic way possible. I could thank the mayor for that. Politicians… “We all ready?” I asked Rarity with only a slight hint of annoyance in my voice as I trotted up to her. Having all these extra tasks dumped on me over the past few days really haven’t helped my stress levels. The only reason why I put up with them without much of a complaint is because it’s all for Applejack, my best friend. But still. I was quite ready to be done with this and move on. “One last thing,” Rarity replied cheerfully, lighting up her horn. I watched with minimal interest as a large, apple-themed banner was levitated into the air and affixed perfectly to the town hall. “Now we’re ready.” I nodded approvingly. “Nice work, Rarity. Is Applejack all set?” “Actually,” Rainbow Dash interrupted as she flew over. “I haven’t seen her all week!” “Not since the stampede!” Pinkie added, trotting over. I rolled my eyes. Was I speaking into a megaphone without realizing it? Seriously, these ponies are all WAY too talented at butting in to whatever conversation they pleased. Nonetheless, I pondered their words. Come to think of it, it was true! I personally hadn’t seen Applejack at all since the stampede! I wondered what in Equestria could keep her away from town, and our gratitude, for so long. I know I’d be right in the middle of it until the hubbub died down. And probably for quite some time afterwards regardless. Sigh…no, don’t think like that, Twilight! Chin up, girl! Your time will come. Just keep believing that…yeah… “But she’ll show up for sure,” Rainbow Dash continued. “Applejack is NEVER late!” We all nodded in agreement. She wasn’t known as the most dependable of ponies for nothing! Even if she had been rather dependent on me recently… It was then that the mayor trotted up. “Is everything ready?” “Indeed it is!” Rarity pronounced grandly. “Everything is in order! I just know that Applejack will love it!” The mayor nodded happily. “Very well, then! Let’s get started!” She turned to face me. “Are you ready, Twilight?” I sighed. Did I mention that I was also drafted to give the speech, on top of everything else? Well, I was. And there was no way in Tartarus I was going to have something prepared. If there’s one skill I’ve honed over the years of being Celestia’s personal student, it’s a little something I like to call ‘winging it.’ So, yes, it was very much time to ‘wing it.’ “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied sardonically. The mayor did not pick up on my tone of voice. “Wonderful! I’ll tell everypony we’re starting.” In what seemed like no time at all, I was slowly walking towards the podium where I would deliver my eloquent speech. And try not to insult the entire town. Turning my head to the right, I saw that the crowd literally contained everypony in town. Great. Just great. Heh…even Ditzy Doo, still with that scrunched-up expression on her face. She was clearly trying to get her eyes unstuck by sheer force of will. I giggled softly to myself. Keep trying, Ditzy… But still there was no Applejack. I mentioned this to the mayor but she seemed confident Applejack would show up. Everyone but myself seemed to share this confidence. I find this to be a common theme: everyone but me. Oh well, what could possibly go wrong? …A lot of things. “Ahem,” I cleared my throat as I stepped up to the podium. The crowd quickly quieted and gave me their undivided attention. Alright Twilight, you can do this. Show time. “Greetings everypony,” I began, speaking as loudly as I could without hurting myself. I briefly pondered attempting to use the voice enhancement spell, but memories of the results of my previous attempts quickly put that thought to rest. Noodles…noodles everywhere… “I am…most enthused that you all could attend this…er…gathering.” I was stumbling a bit. What was I even supposed to say? In the front row I could see Spike doubled over in silent laughter, clearly mocking my awkward speech and barely concealed sarcasm. I smiled as well, but resisted the urge to laugh. Barely. I pressed on. “Even among a community as…interesting and diverse as this one, there is a chance for a pony to perform admirably, demonstrating their worth and overcoming woeful ineptness.” I was walking a razor-thin line and I knew it. I was starting to get a couple of glares. Keep it moving, Twilight… “One never knows when somepony they know might rise to meet the challenge. That pony might be a friend, family member, neighbor, coworker, shop owner, random passerby, crazed psychopath, or even that one pony who everypony knows but won’t ever leave you alone or shut up EVEN WHEN YOU’VE TOLD THEM A MILLION TI-” I paused as I realized I was shouting. The crowd was staring. Said pony in question was bouncing obliviously in place. “Er…sorry. Anyways, we are assembled here today because a few days ago, our good friend and neighbor Applejack stepped beyond the beck and call of an average citizen and risked everything for our sakes.” Oh yeah, I had them riveted. I was really getting into this now! It was even kinda fun. In a way. “Yes indeed! Answering our pleas for help, Applejack single-hoofedly saved the town from certain destruction! Charging headlong into dan-” It was then that a rainbow-colored blur shot up to my side to completely interrupt me, much to my annoyance. “Did you SEE Applejack’s slick moves out there? What an athlete! This week, she’s gonna help me with my new flying trick, and I know it’s gonna be SO! AWESOME!” Rainbow Dash squeaked out, making a ridiculous face. I took the opportunity to cut her off before things got even more out of hoof. “Exactly!” I shouted, shoving Rainbow away from the podium. “Using her athletic prowess, Applejack was able to-” I was unable to continue due to a sudden pink mass materializing in front of my face. “This week, I get to run Sugarcube Corner for the first time!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. I facehoofed as I spun her around to face me. “Pinkie, what in Equestria does that have to do with Applejack?” I asked exasperatedly. Pinkie blinked in silence a couple of times. Oh my goodness… “Oh! Applejack, one of the best bakers EVER, is going to help me! Applejack makes everything great, so free samples for EVERYPONY!” she announced loudly. The crowd began to cheer in excitement. Baked goods sure were a hot commodity here, apparently. I’m surprised everypony manages to stay thin. Well, almost everypony. I groaned as I pushed Pinkie away. “Okay, that’s great. Yes, Applejack is also a great baker, and is always willing to-” There was a disturbance. I felt distinctly unsettled. Something, somewhere, was staring intently at me. Something…adorable. I looked down to my right to see Fluttershy attempting to simultaneously hide behind the podium and get my attention. “Twilight?” she softly asked. “If I could just make a point without being interrupted…” I mumbled angrily. “What? What is it? What do you want?” Fluttershy flinched at my angry words but somehow worked up the courage to pull herself up behind the podium and speak to a whole crowd. Seriously, she is the most inconsistent pony I’ve ever met. No, not Pinkie. She’s consistently crazy. “Twilight, I’m so sorry-” Yeah, right. “-but I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the official bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season. She’s gonna help gather them with her wonderful herding skills!” “Yes, yes, that’s great Fluttershy. As we can all see, Applejack is always willing to give anypony a hand with any problem. How wonderful. Is there anything else anypony would like to add?” The crowd was silent other than the occasional cough. “Anypony?” Nothing. Fluttershy slowly slinked back into the audience. “Well then, as I was TRYING to say,” I continued. “Without Applejack’s heroic efforts, this town would REALLY be a dustbowl!” I chuckled slightly at my own joke. To my chagrin, nopony else joined in. It was then I noticed the mayor standing nearby, glaring at me slightly. I sighed and promptly gave up. “Whatever. Without further ado, Mayor Mare everypony,” I deadpanned before exiting stage left. Okay, so I didn’t get to finish the awesome speech that I had whipped up at the last minute. Oh well. At least I didn’t have something prepared just to get interrupted over and over again. That would have been a travesty. The mayor stepped up to the podium and cleared her throat. “And so, without further ado, it is my privilege to give the Prized Pony of Ponyville Award-” I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous title as the mayor gestured to a monstrous golden trophy with a blue ribbon on it. I sighed again. That could be mine… “-to our beloved guest of honor, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity, Ponyville’s most capable and dependable friend, Applejack!” The crowd cheered as the curtain concealing Applejack began to raise. I lightly stamped my hooves along with them in appreciation. And then everypony simultaneously gasped in horror as they were greeted by an empty stage. Except for me, of course. I didn’t even raise my eyebrows in surprise. I honestly couldn’t have been any less surprised. It was almost like the Nightmare Moon incident all over again. Nopony listening to Twilight? Check. The unexpected happens and everything is ruined? Check. Hmm, what an interesting pattern. Further experimentation is required. Silence filled the air. Well, almost. One member of the audience didn’t quite get the memo. “-way to go, Applejack! That was awesome! I mean…heh…” Spike slowly trailed off as he realized everypony else was no longer cheering loudly due to the absence of said heroic pony in question. He promptly shot me a glare as I failed to hide my uncontrollable snickering. We all stared at the mayor expectantly and waited. Her ears drooped. “Ahem…” she said, clearly hoping Applejack was there and had just missed the cue. “Awkward…” Spike ironically murmured. The next voice to ring out was not the expected one. “Ah’m here! Ah’m here!” There was a funny noise I wasn’t quite sure what to make of followed by several ‘oof’s and ‘ow’s and ‘scuse me’s. “Sorry Ah’m late! Whoa, Ah was jest-whooaaHAAOHH! Did Ah git yer tail? Oof…” And then Applejack herself emerged from the crowd and clambered onto the stage with a pair of towering piles of apples wobbling uncertainly in the baskets draped across her back. “Miss Mayor!” she began, shoving the mayor aside rather roughly. “Thank ya kindly fer this here award…thingy…” And then she…yawned? I think so. It was rather hard to tell due to her constant erratic movements and strange speech. “It’s so bright an’ shiny an’…heh…heh heh…Ah sure do look funny…heh… whooo! Weeeoooo!” I was, at this point, completely baffled by Applejack’s behavior. Was this even Applejack? She appeared to be…making faces at the trophy? And laughing at her reflection, too. Quite unsurprisingly, Pinkie soon joined her and the two of them together made funny faces and obnoxious sounds for a few moments. I stepped up to the pair, rather unsure of what to say. “Oookaaay…well, thank you Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede, and for always being willing to help out! But seriously, you should put cowbells on all the cows. That would make stampedes totally less scary.” Unfortunately, I don’t think she heard that last part. Applejack yawned again. “Yeah…Ah like helpin’ th’ ponyfolks…an’…an’ stuff…” Another yawn. And then she appeared to fall asleep on her hooves for a moment. Aha! The final piece of the puzzle had fallen into place! It explained everything: the weird noises, which were actually yawns, the staggering and stumbling, and the choppy, slurred speech. Applejack was simply tired. REALLY tired. So…why didn’t she just take a nap? “Oh!” She awoke with a start and shook her head violently. “Uhhhh, yeah! Er, thanks!” And with that, Applejack grabbed the handle of the award in her teeth, which was taller than any of us, I might add, and began to drag it away through the crowd. Soon, she was out of sight, clearly headed back to her farm. Several apples were littered amongst the crowd, the only evidence of her visit. “Was it just me, or did Applejack seem a little-” I began. “Tired?” Rainbow interrupted. “Dizzy?” Fluttershy added. “Messy?” Rarity chimed. We all stared at her. “Well! Did you SEE her mane?” she elaborated. “She seemed fine to me!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Wooo! Woooo!” I rolled my eyes. Of course Applejack’s strange behavior would seem fine to the strangest pony in town. “Hmm…” I murmured to myself as I considered what I had just seen. “Well something’s definitely off about her, for sure. Somepony should go make sure she’s okay.” My friends all agreed. But just as we were about to head off to the farm, the mayor trotted over. “Okay! Now that’s all finished, we can take everything down! I’ll begin organizing right away!” We all groaned. Well, all of us except Pinkie. As the mayor began rattling off tasks, Rarity turned to me and whispered, “you go check on Applejack. We’ll take care of things here. You’ve done enough.” Thankful for the chance to get away from some extra work, I promptly saluted her before swiftly taking off in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. “Whoa!” Applejack cried as she completely whiffed a tree trunk with one of her powerful bucks. The tree in question, I noted, happened to be completely devoid of apples. Her next buck sent one of the buckets heaped high with juicy, red fruits sprawling. “Whoops…” she muttered dejectedly. “What in Equestria is that pony doing?” I murmured to myself. Applejack had quickly caught my attention as an honest, dependable, hard-working, and competent pony. The Applejack I saw now was a far cry from that. Something weird was going on… I trotted up to her as she walked over to the scattered apples. “Hey, Applejack!” No response. “Applejaaack!” I called again. I stepped closer to observe her. She once again appeared to be asleep on her hooves. I smirked malevolently. This was the perfect opportunity! Walking right up next to her, I put my muzzle to her ear and took a deep breath. “APPLEJAAAACK!!” The orange apple farmer leaped straight up into the air and cried out in alarm. “Whoa, nelly!” She also thrashed her limbs about a considerable amount before crashing to the ground on her back with a loud ‘oof!’ Fortunately, I remembered the door incident and had the foresight to teleport a few feet away right after my scream. Oh, yeah. Studying AND being a good friend. And pranking. Multi-tasking at its finest. “Oops, sorry. Did I frighten you?” I asked with an air of sincerity as I trotted over and held out a hoof to help her up. Just playing the innocence card. In reality, I could barely restrain my laughter. Applejack graciously accepted the hoof and I hauled her to her hooves with a slight grunt. Thankfully she was far too out of it to notice my snickering, otherwise I would’ve gotten it for sure. “Oh, howdy Twilight.” “What are you up to?” I asked, observing the multitudes of buckets scattered meticulously about the trees. Some were filled with apples while others were totally empty. “Applebuck season,” Applejack replied. I frowned at the strange terminology as Applejack slowly made her way over to a nearby tree that was laden with red, round fruit. I charged up my horn again and teleported in front of her just as she gave the tree a mighty buck, eliciting a surprised ‘woah’ from the apple farmer as the apples cascaded perfectly into the buckets. Huh. How…convenient. “Apple-what season?” I inquired. “Eh…it’s what th’ Apple Family calls harvestin’ time,” she explained, walking over to yet another tree. I teleported again. “We gather all th’ apples from th’ trees so we can sell ‘em,” she continued, seemingly oblivious to my sudden appearances. “Okay, that makes sense,” I acknowledged. “But why are you doing it all alone?” Surely Big Macintosh was somewhere out in the fields as well? Or even a farmhand or two? “Cuz Big Macintosh hurt himself,” she replied bluntly, still walking. I teleported in front of her face again. “Well, what about all those relatives I met when I first came to Ponyville?” Along with all that delicious food…mmm… “Can’t they help?” Applejack sighed in exasperation before continuing on her way. “They were jest here fer th’ Apple Family Reunion. They actually live all over Equestria, an’ are busy harvestin’ their own orchards. So, uh…Ah’m on mah own.” Another teleport. Damn I’m good at this now. At least all that studying did something. She stopped as I blocked her path yet again. “Which means Ah should git back ta work.” I said nothing, simply standing there regarding her curiously as my brain began to work on the problem. I knew my friend was a hard worker, but harvesting all these trees by herself? It just wasn’t possible. And given her state of exhaustion, clearly not good for her. I was rather concerned for her health. Surely there was something we could do for her? She cleared her throat. “Ahem. Hint hint? Git back ta work?” Lacking a solution, I hesitantly stepped aside. “Fine.” “Uh, could ya step aside, Twilight?” she mumbled, swaying a bit on her hooves. I cocked an eyebrow in surprise. “I just did.” She turned her head to look at me. Looking close, I could see the bags under her bloodshot eyes. She was clearly sleep-deprived. “Applejack, you don’t look so good…” I observed. She simply shook her head as if to clear it and headed on her way. “Uh…d-don’t none o’ ya three worry none, Ah’m jest fine ‘n dandy!” Wait, what? Three? Okay…there was something really wrong with her. A problem! With a friend! A friendship problem! Yessss! Time to get to the bottom of things and then write the report to Celestia! Then it’ll be out of my mane for a few days, at least. I watched with bemusement as Applejack whiffed yet another mighty buck, nearly falling flat on her face as she did so. I teleported in front of her yet again. “Applejack, you have a problem. I think you need some help.” Not from me, of course, since she promised never to ask me for help again, but I’d be more than willing to recruit some ponies to help instead. “Help?” she muttered in confusion. “Hah! No way, no how!” Oh, brother. I forgot the other major characteristic of Ponyville’s resident apple-farming mare: stubbornness. I tried to reason with her. “But there’s no way you can do it all on your own!” “Is THAT a challenge?” she asked angrily, pressing her face into mine. Oh, dear. This might be more trouble than it’s worth. Might as well try to salvage the situation as best as I could. “Um…no?” “Well,” Applejack continued with a fiery determination. “Ah’m gonna prove ta ya that Ah can do it. Now if you’ll EXCUUUSE me, Ah’ve got apples ta buck!” And without another word, she stalked back over to her apple trees. And then it hit me. Wait, wait, wait…this pony, the very SAME pony who showed up at my home a few days ago BEGGING for my help with the ‘Golden Delicious’ crop was now refusing my assistance? Hah! This was amazing! Pure comedy gold right here! How completely backwards! How utterly baffling! How extremely befuddling! It was so absurd I couldn’t help but start to laugh out loud. Applejack cast an annoyed glance my way and asked, “what’s so funny?” When I finally calmed down, I let out a long breath. “Phew! I just can’t believe how contrary you’re being, Applejack!” She narrowed her eyes dangerously. “Whaddaya mean?” “Well, it’s just that a few days ago, I seem to remember a certain somepony BEGGING for my help with her bet, but now that SAME pony refuses to let me help her out! You make no sense whatsoever, AJ!” Applejack scoffed indignantly. “That was different!” “Different?” I responded incredulously. “DIFFERENT? Different how? There’s no difference! None! You’re just being stubborn, ridiculous, and nonsensical!” “Don’t pretend ta be an expert on our ways, Twilight!” Applejack yelled. “Applebuck season is special ta us! We’ve done it th’ same way every year, fer years upon years, an’ we ain’t changin’ it now!” I groaned loudly and dragged a forehoof over my face. Oh my goodness. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I let out a long sigh and relented. “Alright, Applejack. You win. Whatever. I don’t really care anymore. I’m just trying to look out for what’s best for you.” “Ah appreciate it, Twilight, but right now Ah’m fine. Ah jest need ta git back ta work and uphold our traditional Apple family ways.” I paused for a moment as I watched her buck another tree. Well. If she didn’t want to accept my help, then that’s her problem. I tried my best to help her out. If she wanted to drive herself crazy then fine! I’ll just leave her to her own problems and keep my muzzle out of it! Hmph. Some friend. I didn’t say another word as I turned around and headed home, seething just a bit in frustration. “No! No, Twilight, please! I’m so sorry! I admit that I wronged you! Please, just let me go!” Celestia’s begs for mercy were music to my ears. “Hah! Years of agonizing workloads, ridiculous expectations, and cruel jokes and you think I’m just going to FORGIVE you?” I taunted. “Twilight, please! Look deep inside you! I know there is forgiveness there!” “Oh, yeah?” I scoffed. “Maybe for Rainbow Dash, but not for you! It’s too late for that, Celestia!” I did my best to put all of my hate and loathing into that one word. “Now it’s time to get payback for all the suffering you purposefully put me through!” I jeered as pressed my muzzle up against hers, my fiery eyes locked with her fearful ones. I pulled back and spit on her forehead. She was powerless to wipe it off, bound to the table by iron straps as she was. “Please, Twilight! I did not know! I never tried to hurt you! I only did what I thought was best!” “A bunch of lies if ever I heard them!” I called cheerfully. “Time for you to pay!” I announced as I began to charge up my horn. She began to scream incoherently, fearful tears streaming down her cheeks. “Looks like I am the teacher now! Twenty books due by tomorrow! And fifteen tests to study for!” Celestia cried out in horror. “No! That’s not possible! Nopony has the time for that!” “Too bad! Find a way or ELSE!” I screamed, reveling in my new position of power. “But first…you have to pass my TORTURE TEST!!” “NOOOOOOOOOO!!” Celestia shrieked. “MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Celestia wouldn’t stop screaming. But then, suddenly, her scream changed in tone and pitch. Her voice deepened and roughened, making her sound rather tomboyish. Say…wasn’t that familiar? Suddenly, without warning, Celestia’s head shimmered and was quickly replaced by that of Rainbow Dash’s, who continued to scream non-stop. “R-Rainbow Dash?” I asked in bewilderment. “-AAAAAAAAAA-” CRASH! I awoke with a jolt, screaming just as the Celestia-turned-Rainbow had. I was dimly aware of another voice joined with mine. I’m thankful I woke up when I did. I got to watch with great satisfaction as the form of Rainbow Dash came sailing through the air and embedded itself in the railing of my porch, where I had been taking a glorious afternoon nap. To heck with studying. I needed to recharge my batteries and figure out how to deal with the Applejack problem. As the dust settled and our coughs slowly died away, I regarded Rainbow curiously. “Well, well, well,” I began. “Look who decided to stop by. It’s Rainbow Dash!” Rainbow simply groaned in response, slowly twisting her head about as she tried to get it unstuck from its location between two planks of wood. “Or should I say,” I continued, stifling a giggle. “Rainbow Crash?” I burst out laughing, collapsing on my side as I wheezed for air. “Shut up,” she muttered, pulling herself backwards in a feeble effort to get free. My snorts and chuckles slowly died down and I wiped away a tear as I sat up. “But seriously. What in Equestria happened to you?” “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” she mumbled sluggishly. Clearly the impact had taken quite a bit out of her normally brash self. “Try me,” I challenged. Rainbow Dash stopped her pulling and grunting for a moment to answer. “Applejack happened.” I burst into yet another bout of raucous laughter. “WHAT? How? What did you two DO? HAAAHAHAHA!!” “Long story,” she replied angrily, some of her energy starting to return. “Now if you’re quite done laughing your flank off, I could use a hoof.” My laughter died down once more. “Why? You stuck?” I snickered. “Yes,” she snapped grouchily. “Now you gonna help me out here or what?” “Fine, fine,” I relented, grabbing the planks of wood with my magic and tearing them off of the railing with a loud crack. Rainbow Dash fluttered backwards out of the railing and rubbed her neck gratefully. “Thanks.” “No problem. I think I need to pay Applejack another visit, though…” I mused. Rainbow scoffed. “Hmph. YOU can. I ain’t going anywhere near that disaster.” “That’s fine,” I replied coolly, opening the door to let Rainbow enter my home. “But if I’m going to address this problem properly, I need to know what happened.” “Ugh. Seriously?” she asked with a hint of nervousness in her voice. “Seriously.” We paused at my front door to stare at each other for a moment before she sighed and relented. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you. Just…don’t spread it around, okay?” I felt the corners of my mouth twitch. “I might tell our friends. But I won’t tell anypony else.” Rainbow considered that for a moment. “Fine. Alright, here’s what happened,” she began as we headed out the door towards Sweet Apple Acres. “I built this awesome contraption, with the intent that Applejack would…” “Wow,” I said as Rainbow finished her story, struggling to hold back more laughter. Pissing Rainbow off was something I felt I could only get away with so many times in a day. “That’s…something. You sure you’re alright?” I asked Rainbow with some concern, noting once again the nasty red rash on the sides of her neck. She rubbed the injury subconsciously. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just…talk some sense into her for me, okay?” “I’ll try,” I replied honestly. “But you know how she is.” “Yeah…yeah I do. Well, I’ll be headed off then. Good luck, Twi.” “Thanks. Hope you feel better soon.” Rainbow nodded her thanks before taking off, heading back towards town. As soon as she was out of earshot, I began to chuckle to myself once again. “Hehehe…giant catapult…I’m surprised Rainbow even knew how to build a simple lever. I can’t wait to tell Rarity…” Not surprisingly, Applejack was still hard at work in the fields. Or at least she was for now. Undoubtedly she’d taken a few accidental naps here and there. Why wouldn’t she just take a purposeful one? Maybe I needed to teach Applejack about the wonders of naps. That’s helping out a friend in need, right? As I walked up to her, I cringed slightly as she bashed her head on a low-hanging branch after attempting to pick up a fallen apple. Ooooh, that’s gotta sting. “Applejack, can we talk?” I asked her as I approached. Upon hearing my voice, the apple farmer turned to me, but instead of answering stared at me with a puzzled expression. I sighed in exasperation. “Applejack. We need to talk.” “HAVE AH SEEN YER FROCK? CAN’T SAY THAT AH HAVE!” Applejack shouted at me. “What? That’s not what I asked at all! Can you even hear me, Applejack?” I asked. “DO MOOSE FEAR ME? AH RECKON THEY WOULD IF AH WAS ANGRY ENOUGH!” “No, no, no!” I shouted, anger creeping into my voice. “You and I need to have a chat, right now!” “SAVE A CAT? WHERE IS TH’ POOR FELLA?” “NO! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “OH!” Applejack responded in understanding. “WELL WHY DIDN’T YA SAY SO? WHAT’CHA WANNA TALK ‘BOUT?” “RAINBOW DASH DROPPED IN TO SEE ME TODAY!” I shouted again. “OH, REALLY? AH DIDN’T THINK Y’ALL WERE THAT CLOSE!” Applejack responded. At this point, the thought crossed my mind that this is almost the strangest conversation I have ever had. Almost. “NOT REALLY, BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP ME FROM HELPING HER OUT WHEN SHE GOT STUCK ON MY PORCH!” “YOU AN’ RAINBOW DID WHAT?!” Applejack shrieked in horror. My face contorted into one of shock and disgust as I realized what Applejack was implying. Ew. No. No no no. Ew ew ew ew ew. Gay. …Kinda funny how often that word gets linked back to Rainbow Dash. This can’t POSSIBLY be a coincidence. But yeah, NOW this was the strangest conversation I’d ever had. I facehoofed. “NO, NO, NO! SHE CRASHED ONTO MY BALCONY AFTER YOU LAUNCHED HER INTO THE AIR! REMEMBER?” “Oh, yeah…” Applejack muttered softly, looking at the ground beneath her hooves and pawing at it nervously. “Ah wasn’t feelin’ quite mahself this mornin’…” “Because you’re working too hard and you need help! Or a good, long nap!” I said forcefully, walking up beside her. Unfortunately, she only heard the first part. “What? Felt? Ah don’t need felt! Bet Rarity could use some, though!” “HELP! YOU NEED HELP!!” I shrieked. By this point, I was at serious risk of screaming myself hoarse. “Nothin’ doin’, Twilight!” she replied stubbornly. “Ah’m gonna prove ta you, ta everypony, that Ah can do this on mah own! OW!” she yelped as she smashed her face right back into that same low-hanging branch. I sighed and took some pity on her. I snapped the branch off with my magic and tossed it away. “Fine! You don’t want help! But you should at least sit down and take a short nap! Luna knows you keep falling asleep on your hooves anyways!” I yelled in exasperation. “WHAT? AH AIN’T FAT, THANK YA VERY MUCH!” she replied indignantly. I facehoofed again. “NO! NAP! YOU SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP!” “AH ALREADY HAD BLOOM AN’ WINONA HERD TH’ SHEEP!” “TAKE A BREAK AND SLEEP!!” I shrieked. “Oh,” she said simply. “Trust me,” I continued, my throat hurting a fair amount by now. “Naps are the best thing ever. Just one hour of sleep can rejuvenate and replenish as much energy as several cups of coffee! I know from experience! You won’t regret it!” “Bah,” Applejack scoffed. “Nap, schmap. Ah ain’t tired at all! Besides, Ah don’t have time fer no nappin’! Ah need ta git all these apples harvested afore th’ end o’ th’ week!” “What?” I asked incredulously. “That’s crazy talk! Ponies will buy apples all year round!” “Ah wouldn’t expect ya ta understand, Twi,” Applejack responded haughtily. “Now. Ah appreciate yer concerns, but right now, Ah need to go help Pinkie Pie.” And with that, Applejack woozily staggered off, baskets of apples still in tow. I just stood there, slack-jawed. I couldn’t believe how stubborn this pony could be! “Ugh! Fine! Be that way!” I shouted after her, even though she couldn’t hear me. “If you don’t want my help, FINE! Now I’m gonna go hide until you and Pinkie Pie are done! There’s a disaster brewing, I just KNOW IT!!” I should really stop predicting the future. Soon enough I’m going to screw things up pretty badly. I’m like a doomsayer or something. But hey, at least I get another chance at saving half the town and getting my medal and cookies. “We came as soon as we heard!” I told Nurse Redheart as she led Spike and I towards a large medical curtain. “Oh, thank you, Twilight!” she replied. “We need all the help we can get!” And then, all hell broke loose. What appeared to be half the town was currently lounging around on hastily placed hospital beds, but they were far too many to all be accommodated. Those that weren’t on beds lay on simple mats on the ground. Every pony that wasn’t wearing a nurse’s hat was green in the face, clutching a bucket or some other sort of receptacle closely, and either moaning, groaning, burping, or puking. “Oh my goodness!” I exclaimed in honest surprise. Never before had I seen anything like this. Nor could I have been expecting it. “What happened?” “It was a mishap with some of the baked goods,” Nurse Redheart explained. “No…” a pathetic voice moaned from the corner. I turned towards it and was extremely surprised to see a green-faced, bedridden Pinkie Pie. “Not baked goods…baked bads…” And then her cheeks puffed up, she grabbed her bucket as quick as she could, and proceeded to make really awful noises as she upchucked. “Pinkie!” I cried in alarm as I rushed over to her. I have to admit, it was quite unsettling to see her like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I was most appreciative for the relative silence, but it was still very strange to be in her presence and NOT be dealing with a hyperactive crazy pony. I’m not entirely sure I enjoyed the experience. “Are you alright?” Pinkie just groaned in pain as she clutched her stomach. I looked over to see Spike running up, half-eaten muffin in hand. And boy did it smell. I also retched slightly myself when I saw a worm poke out of it. “Applejack…you really screwed up this time,” I muttered angrily to myself. Then, much to my horror, Spike took a bite of one of the muffins. “Spike! What are you doing?” I shrieked. His reaction was the polar opposite of what I expected. “Mmm! Not bad! Want one?” he inquired, holding out a half-eaten muffin. I stuck my tongue out. “No!” I was about to ask how he could stand them when I remembered that he’s the only creature I know that can eat gemstones. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that dragons probably have pretty tough digestive systems. He’d probably be fine. But me? No way. “No thank you,” I repeated. “I’m pretty sure one of those things would almost kill me.” Nurse Redheart joined us by Pinkie’s bedside. “So, can you help?” she asked hopefully. I sighed. Things were about to get really, REALLY messy. “Yeah, I know a spell. It’s for, ah, whenever I feel guilty about eating too much…” The last few hours had been nightmarish. Forcing ponies to regurgitate death muffins for hours on end was NOT fun. It was gross, smelly, exhausting, and very loud. One can only listen to barfing sounds for so long without banging their head against the wall. The lecture by Nurse Redheart on the harmful side effects of ‘purge binging,’ as she called it, didn’t help either. Hmph. I hardly ever use that spell anyways. Food is far too delicious to be wasted like that. As I nursed the rather large bruise on the side of my head, I simmered over some very choice words I’d have for Applejack as soon as I showed up on her farm. The nerve of that pony! Causing the rest of us all sorts of trouble over her dumb stubbornness! It was ridiculous. Time for action! I will write that friendship report even if it kills me! Which, at this rate, it will! When I finally got to Sweet Apple Acres, I was greeted by quite the strange sight. Applejack was sleeping upside-down, stuck fast in her wagon harness, which in turn was sitting on its rear end in the middle of a basin partially filled with apples. I facehoofed. This was getting absurd. “Applejack, we need to talk!” No response. “NOW!” Now THAT got a response. Applejack immediately came to and dazedly met my expression, which to her probably appeared upside-down. “Wha? Huh? Oh…it’s you, Twilight.” She yawned. “Ah know what yer gonna say, but th’ answer is still ‘no’!” The opportunity for a fabulous joke surfaced. I immediately grabbed it. “Not to upset your apple cart or anything, but you NEED help!” I said forcefully, trying not to giggle. “Hardy har,” Applejack intoned morosely. “An’ no Ah don’t!” She then began to groan and flail her legs, obviously attempting to right herself on her own. But I had her now. She would have to cave to my logic, even if it involved some minimal effort on my part. “There’s no way you can get out of this without help, so allow me! I’ll get you right-side up faster than you can say-” “HELP??” Applejack responded loudly. “No thanks!” She then proceeded to do something I’ve never seen anypony do before, and hopefully will never see anypony do again. Seriously, I didn’t know ponies were even CAPABLE of bending like that! Not to mention that thing she did with the pole! Oh, sweet Luna! My eyes! Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps! But somehow, miraculously, it worked. She was back on her hooves. “A l’il more…a l’il…UGH! There!” I was shocked, to say the least. That pony was DETERMINED. And apparently capable of completely defying the laws of common sense and physics. I thought only Pinkie could do that…must be an earth pony thing to make up for their lack of anything else cool like wings or magic. So…does that mean the Princesses can distort reality, since they encompass all three types of ponies? Scary thoughts. I’m going to try not to think about it. And try harder not to have nightmares. “Now Ah’ll prove that THIS Apple can handle THESE apples!” She then began to beat a dead tree senseless with her hind legs. “C’mon…ugh…apples! Agh! FALL OFF! Urgh!” Opportunities. Opportunities everywhere. “AJ…I think you’re beating a dead…tree,” I finished with a slight giggle. What? It was still really funny, all things considered. Applejack stared at the tree for a moment, seemingly perplexed by the fact that she managed to miss that little detail. As if on cue, a single leaf detached itself from a shriveled branch and floated down past her face. “Ah knew that,” she said simply before walking off. I groaned in exasperation. “Whatever. I’m still not done with you, Applejack. You have a lot to answer for! I just came back from Ponyville Urgent Care, and-” “Y’know, Ah’m a little busy ta git lectured right now, Twilight!” Oh. Oh I see how it is. I’M the one who has to deal with all the problems YOU’RE causing, and you think you have the right to yell at ME? Ohhhhh…Applejack, if you weren’t a really good friend of mine, you’d be in for it right now. I’m also worried you might throttle me at a later point in time. “Well, if you’d just listen to me and-” I began angrily, intent on hammering my point home even if I had to beat it into her skull myself. Not literally just…as close to literal as one can get without being literal. If that makes any sense. “Argh! No! No! NO! How many times have Ah gotta say it?! Ah don’t need no help from NOPONY!” “But-” I began. “AND NO NAPS NEITHER!” “AAARRGH!” I screamed in frustration, whirling about to leave, afraid for both of our safeties at this point should my temper explode. As I treaded the well-worn path back into town, I seethed with anger, stamping my hooves on the hard-packed, dusty ground. “That pony is as stubborn as a mule!” At that, I heard a rather indignant mule-like sound from beside me. I turned and was surprised to see a rather ugly mule standing on the road with me. “Excuse me?” he asked in his obnoxious, nasally voice. …Oops. “Oh, um…no offense?” I ventured, smiling sheepishly. What? It’s not my fault that somepony made that expression up! It’s just true! It’s too perfect! “Hmph,” he snorted indignantly. “If you expect two little words to forgive what you said, you are gravely mistaken. I was deeply offended. I want a proper apology.” “What?” I answered in disbelief, my prior bubbling anger beginning to resurface. “Are you crazy? Everypony says that! Don’t be so sensitive!” “Easy for you to say!” he snarled. “There aren’t any mean sayings involving ponies!” “It’s not my fault that saying was created before you freaks were around!” I shouted. “Exactly! That’s why you should all stop saying it! Times are changing!” he yelled back. “No! It’s traditional! Therefore I’m going to be completely illogical and defend it for no good reason!” I shrieked back. His misshaped eyes narrowed and his grossly elongated ears flattened. His gnarled hooves ground angrily against the dusty path, kicking up clouds of dirt. “We shall have to settle our differences another time,” he whispered angrily. “For my mother is expecting my return soon.” “Indeed,” I hissed back. “We shall.” With that, we both turned on our hooves, let out a loud and angry ‘harrumph!’, and headed off in our opposite directions, both seething furiously. The nerve of that monstrosity! I smiled malevolently as I headed back to Ponyville, considering the mutant freak that was headed to Sweet Apple Acres at the moment. Oh, I’ll put him in his place all right. I’ll deal with him for good… It was another beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun, the sky, the breeze, no clouds, Rainbow Dash, everypony in town, heading home from the market, blah, blah, blah. And yes, I hated every bit of it. Even more than I did last time. As much as I was loathe to admit it, the reason was undoubtedly the Applejack problem. It kept nagging at the back of my mind despite my best efforts to ignore it. And it was certainly having negative effects on my studying. I couldn’t focus well. I was angry and irritable all the time. And I had these weird cravings for apples, but I absolutely refused to go back to Sweet Apple Acres. What was it Applejack had said? Oh, yeah. ‘No way, no how.’ I just knew that if I could figure out how to solve her problem, it would give me material for my upcoming friendship report. And Celestia was being VERY strict about those for some reason. I wasn’t quite sure why. And I had no other ideas on what to write it about. So, yeah. Applejack was screwing with my studies in more ways than one. Talk about the being the ‘loyalest of friends.’ Hmph. Not anymore. More like ‘the best at screwing over my life.’ It was with thoughts such as these that I angrily trudged home with, ever so eager to get back to my miserable, doomed attempts at studying. And then the unthinkable happened. The ground began to shake. Well I’ll be damned, it would appear that an earthquake has struck this Luna-forsaken town! Perhaps my prayers have finally been answered for once! At last! Catastrophe strikes and the town will be leveled! Homes reduced to rubble! Uncontrollable flames will break out! The water tower will collapse and flood half the town! Chaos will reign supreme! And, after I save everypony in town using my super-magical-awesomeness, I will- Wait a minute…didn’t this happen already? Like, a few days ago? Suddenly, it all came rushing back to me. It wasn’t an earthquake, it was a stampede. And that good-for-nothing varmint Applejack was probably already in action, ready to hog all the glory for herself yet again! Not if I had anything to say about it! I tore off towards the edge of town, the same place where I heard Rainbow Dash shout ‘stampede’ last time. As I ran, I noticed the townsponies were once again freaking out, running about aimlessly, and shutting themselves up in their cute little wood and straw homes as if that would save them. Yes! Destruction was nigh! This was my chance at fame and fortune! Grinning proudly, I drew myself up to my full height as I trotted, exuding confidence with every step. Fear not, Ponyville! The heroine you’ve been waiting for has – hold on, it’s happening again. That feeling that I’ve already been through this exact same scenario. My suspicions were confirmed when I suddenly saw Rainbow Dash fly into the air, in the EXACT same spot I found her in last time, and loudly shout: “STAMPEDE!!” Huh. If this was a movie or something, it’s almost like the producers were using the exact same roll of film once again. Hay, I’d do it. It would save time, effort, and cost. It only makes sense. Still. Talk about déjà vu. …Creepy. I waited for Pinkie Pie to show up and spout off something random about her voice sounding silly, just like last time. For some reason, it didn’t happen. I was also slightly disappointed by that for reasons I don’t fully understand. And there was no sign of the mayor or any of my other friends. Time to get some answers. “Hey, Rainbow! Down here!” I called. Rainbow stopped her hoof-biting to look down at me. “Twilight! What are you doing? You’ve gotta get out of here!” she yelled fearfully as she fluttered down to me. “Rainbow, just, hold on a second! Hear me out on this one! Doesn’t this all seem…y’know…familiar?” I asked, hopeful she would share my strange feelings. Rainbow cocked her head in confusion. “Huh? What do you mean familiar? No, not at all!” “But just last week!” I protested. “There was a stampede just like there is now! And it’s happening in the exact same way! The townsponies panicking, me being in a bad mood, and you jumping up and yelling ‘STAMPEDE!!’” I finished, attempting to imitate Rainbow’s voice and doing a not-bad job, if I do say so myself. She, however, had other opinions. She snorted indignantly. “That’s not what I sound like!” “It doesn’t matter! I’ve got a HUGE sense of déjà vu! Please tell me you do too!” Rainbow cocked her head in confusion once again. “Déjà what? You lost me, Twilight.” “Ah! It just happened again! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?” I screamed in horror. Rainbow grabbed my shoulders and shook me bodily. “Snap out of it, Twi!” “Wait!” I cried, clutching one last glimmer of hope. “This is the part where Applejack saves us all, just like last time!” I wasn’t even upset about her stealing the glory again, I was just hopeful I could get somepony else to see the eerie similarities and confirm I’m not losing it. “Twilight…” Rainbow began. “Applejack’s been working herself to death all week, remember? I don’t think she’s in any shape to stop a stampede.” My eyes widened. It was true! So what in Equestria was going on? “C’mon, we gotta do something!” Rainbow piped up again. “For all we know, the stampede could be – oh no…” she trailed off as she looked over my shoulder, wide-eyed. I was afraid to turn around, but did so anyways. I gasped as I saw a huge cloud of dust rising above the houses and shops of Ponyville. “Oh no! This isn’t right at all! The stampede has reached the town!” “C’mon!” Rainbow shouted worriedly. “We’ve gotta go help!” “Wait! Does the mayor know?” “I don’t know!” Rainbow responded quickly. “Okay, then. You go tell her and get the authorities mobilized while I go see what I can do to help!” I ordered hastily. Rainbow snapped a salute and replied, “got it,” before taking off in a rainbow-colored blur. Well, at least she was good at listening to orders in a crisis. I’ll have to remember that one. With worry in my heart, but also a glimmer of hope for cookies and a medal, I took off towards the rapidly dispersing clouds of dust. I rounded a corner onto Mane Street and was horrified to see three mares lying still in the middle of the road. Oh no! What could have happened? And…what were their names, again? I think one was named Rose…but I forget the other two. As I started to walk over, however, they thankfully began to stir. “The horror! The horror!” Rose began to shout. “It was AWFUL!” the pink one with the yellow mane added. “A disaster! A horrible, horrible disaster!” the pink one with the green mane finished. I scanned the area quickly, hoping to find any traces of cows. Unfortunately, there was none. Not even hoofmarks in the road… “I don’t get it…” I mumbled quietly to myself. How was this possible? Where was the death and destruction? How was I supposed to be a heroine now? “Our gardens, destroyed!” pink-and-yellow continued, staring sadly at a few rows of destroyed crops. “Every last flower devoured!” Rose added, poking through a series of empty pots. “By…by…THEM!” pink-and-green shouted, pointing a hoof. I followed it, and promptly lost my jaw at what I saw. A bunch of RABBITS! “Oh my! Oh…please stop little bunnies! Oh no! Please! Let’s just go home! Oh my goodness!” I heard the worried voice of Fluttershy call out as she attempted to gather up the bunnies, which were currently in the process of devouring any and all plant matter in sight. Wait…so…the stampede…was a bunch of BUNNIES? I rolled my eyes and facehoofed, HARD. This week just couldn’t get any more bizarre. Well, on the bright side, at least nopony was seriously hurt. As much as I sometimes despise the citizens of Ponyville, it’s not like I want them to die or anything. Not even that mule! And then it hit me. Applejack was supposed to be helping Fluttershy with the bunny census, wasn’t she? Hmm…how ominous… So! Let’s review the facts, shall we? Fluttershy: check. Rampaging horde of bunnies: check. Applejack: nowhere to be found. Coincidence? I think very strongly not. “All right…” I muttered darkly as I began my trek to Sweet Apple Acres, determined to make this the last angry visit. “Enough is enough. I am GOING to get that pony help before she BURNS the town down, even if I have to do it MYSELF, and she will LIKE IT!!” “Must…keep…bucking…just…a few…more…must…finish harvestin’…” Applejack was a complete and utter wreck as I approached her. She had clearly gone several days with little to no sleep, extreme exertion, and probably insufficient food and water. I didn’t care what she said, if for no other reason, I was going to make her stop just for her own health’s sake. Despite what I said earlier about her, she’s still my friend. Just not my best friend. Rarity has claimed that spot for now. “All right, Applejack!” I shouted angrily as I trotted up to her. She looked up at my voice and I saw her expression darken, but before she could spew any nonsense out of her open mouth, I cut her off. Oh no. It’s MY time to speak now, and she will listen! “Your applebucking hasn’t just caused YOU problems, it’s over-propelled pegasus, practically poisoned plenty of ponies, and terrorized bushels of brand-new, bouncing baby bunnies. I don’t care WHAT you say, you need several things right now! Let me list them off to you, nice and simple: you need HELP, you need SLEEP, and you need to take a BREAK! NO! MORE! ‘BUT’S!” I screamed in frustration. Applejack tensed, and for a moment I thought she was going to hit me. I prepared my horn. But instead, she simply bucked the tree behind her with an almighty THUD, and smiled proudly as the tree dumped its load of fruit into the baskets on her back. “Ha! No Ah don’t! Look! Ah did it! Ah harvested th’ entire Sweet Apple Acres without yer help! How’d ya like THEM apples?” she taunted, gesturing grandly to a sweeping area of empty, entirely green apple trees. I had to admit I was impressed, but she was missing one painfully obvious fact… I was about to open my mouth and point that out when a third voice spoke up. “Ummm, how do YOU like THEM apples?” Big Macintosh asked after materializing out of nowhere, gesturing to the other half of the fields which were still chock-full of apples. I was shocked to see the muscular red earth pony with a series of long, white bandages wrapped around his midsection. I wonder what in Equestria he did to himself? Also, I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard him say at once. But seriously. These earth ponies. They’ve got something going on. I’m tired of them popping up out of nowhere. Applejack stared at the fruit-laden trees, her jaw working aimlessly, her bloodshot eyes wide, mumbling meaningless phrases of nonsense before finally giving up and collapsing. Big Mac and I hurriedly moved to her side in worry. After a few minutes of calling her name, with Big Macintosh stoically looking on and not offering a word of advice, Applejack finally came to. “Huh?” she mumbled woozily. “Oh good, you’re okay,” I said, relieved. But now was the time to convince her to stop this nonsense. It was driving everypony crazy, me in particular. I had to put my hoof down. Given her current look of helplessness, I decided to go easy on her. “Now Applejack,” I began softly. “I completely respect the Apple family ways…” Yeah, right. Dumb traditionalists. Learn to keep up with the times already. “You’re always there to help anypony in need.” She looked away, conflicting emotions written across her face. “So maybe, just maybe, you can put a little bit of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you.” She closed her eyes, clearly preparing her counter-argument. “Okay, Twilight…” Oh no you don’t. “I am not taking no for an answer–” Wait, what? “Wait, what?” “Yes, Twilight.” She put her front hooves together in a pleading fashion. “Yes, please! Ah could really use yer help…” My jaw hung loosely from my mouth. Whatever I had been expecting from this encounter, it most certainly was not surrendering without a fight. Completely unable to think of anything intelligent to say in response, I simply giggled slightly and let out a relieved sigh. Big Mac looked on with a proud smile. Now to acquire some help and solve this problem once and for all… “Okay then. That was much easier than I thought it would be. I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses, Applejack,” I said sincerely. Applejack chuckled and let out a yawn. “Yeah…Ah’m sorry Ah was so stubborn Twilight, but y’all was right all along. Ah’m a mess right now…” “Yes, you are. And I’m going to tell you how to start getting better.” Applejack sat up slightly, looking hopeful. “Really? How? Tell me!” I looked around and spied a particularly shady-looking tree in the distance. I pointed my hoof at it. “See that tree? Go to it and sit underneath the leaves with your back to the trunk. And don’t move until I say you can.” Applejack looked puzzled, but obeyed nonetheless. “Okay…” “And don’t move until I say so!” I called after her. Within moments, she was sound asleep, snoring loudly as she leaned against the tree. I giggled as her Stetson hat slipped off her head to cover her face. “That mare really needs some sleep,” I said softly. “Eeyup.” It was a beautiful afternoon in Ponyville. The sun was shining brightly. The birds were chirping merrily. The soft breeze was flowing blissfully. The air was fresh and cool. Rainbow Dash had actually gotten up and cleared the deep blue sky of clouds, much to my undying surprise. All in all, it was the perfect afternoon, and everypony in town was outdoors enjoying the amazing weather. Except for my friends and I. We were currently toiling under the hot sun working the fields here at Sweet Apple Acres. Lazy, good-for-nothing townsponies…even after all the trouble Applejack had caused, the only ponies I could get to help her finish her work and cease to be completely dysfunctional were my friends. Who, of course, were more than happy to drop everything to make sure none of the week’s disasters became recurring events. In our minds, the effort would be well worth it. Besides, I can finally write that friendship report that’s due tonight. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. Completely ignoring whatever traditional ideals Applejack hoped to hold on to, I was simply using my magic to levitate several trees’ worth of apples down to their buckets. It was certainly faster than bucking. And easier. But it still required considerable effort. And I hated it. It was then that a voice I was not expecting to hear rang out across the fields. “How ‘bout y’all take a l’il break? Ah got some fine apple juice fer ya!” Apple juice? Now THAT sounds good right about now. Eagerly, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and myself all gathered around Applejack and her cart of refreshing apply goodness. Grateful for the drink as I was, I decided not to chew Applejack out for moving from the tree without my go. She did, however, look much better. Naps will do that to somepony. Applejack let out a yawn as we all grabbed our drinks and began to speak. “Girls, Ah can’t thank ya enough fer this help. Ah was actin’ a…bit stubborn.” “A bit?” I questioned incredulously. “Okay, a MIGHT stubborn,” she corrected herself. If that was any improvement, I didn’t really see it. But it’s the thought that counts, and I was just glad she wasn’t immediately shouting down anything I had to say. “An’ Ah’m awful sorry. Now, Ah know th’ town gave me th’ Prized Pony Award, but th’ real award is havin’ you five as mah friends.” That certainly warmed my heart a bit, and helped solidify my opinion that this course of action was, in the end, and despite all the hard work and stress that came with it, the right one. Friendship solidified, stress relieved, and no threat of Celestia breathing down my neck. Twilight, you’ve done it again. Truly, is there anypony that can even hold a candle to your multi-tasking abilities? And so, we all enjoyed our delicious apple juice drinks as Applejack looked on proudly. I noticed that her eyes weren’t nearly as bloodshot and that the bags under her eyes had faded. I caught her gaze as I studied her. She winked. “Oh, and Twilight, thanks fer steerin’ me towards that there nap. Ah feel fresher than Ah’ve felt in days!” “Isn’t it wonderful?” I agreed with a chuckle. “Eeyup,” she replied happily. “Why it felt so good, Ah’ll probably end up makin’ a habit of it. Maybe Ah can even git up a bit earlier if Ah know Ah’ll git ta nap later in th’ day!” I rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm towards getting up earlier, but I smiled and nodded in agreement all the same. My work here is done. Another pony has learned the Way of the Nap. Now if only I could make progress on the Way of Resisting Celestia front… “Ahhh,” Rainbow Dash sighed in contentment. “That applebucking sure made me hungry!” “And I’ve got the perfect treat!” Spike exclaimed as he sidled up to the table with an armful of…half-eaten…muffins…oh dear. “Ewww, Spike I threw those away!” Pinkie squealed in disgust. For once, I found myself agreeing with her. “Where did you get those?” “From the trash!” Spike answered, way too excitedly. I honestly couldn’t decide if he was actually excited about those muffins, or if he was going all-out to pull an elaborate prank on us. “Eeeewwww!!” we all cried in unison. Seriously, prank or no prank, that was pretty gross. “Just a little nibble? Come ooon!” he implored as we all began to walk away from him back towards the few remaining fruit-bearing trees. We all began to speak up at once, voicing our protests to Spike’s grossness in one way or another. He seemed to find this to be quite amusing, thankfully leaning my opinion towards ‘prank.’ Eventually we got him to get rid of the muffins, this time for good. And by ‘we,’ I mean that I picked the plate up in my magic and threw it in the lake. Seriously, it was starting to smell. Spike was rather put-off by this, but nopony particularly cared. We also finished up all the applebucking, leading Applejack to joyfully declare this year’s Applebuck Season to officially be over. And there was much rejoicing. “Yaaaay!” The kitchen at Sweet Apple Acres was certainly busy. Applejack, her family, and several of my friends were busily bustling about, preparing a celebratory meal. I, however, due to my general incompetence in the kitchen, was sitting this one out in the living room. I also wanted to jot down my letter to Celestia while it was still fresh in my head. “Dear Princess Celestia,” I intoned to Spike, who was dutifully recording my every word. “No matter who you ask, everypony will agree that Applejack is a great friend, or at least that she’s always willing to help somepony out with their problems. It’s just that when she got herself into a big problem of her own, she was unwilling to seek help. It’s important to remember that while giving to friends is important, one also has to be willing to accept what is given to them. But even more importantly than that, I learned that being a traditionalist will get you nothing but trouble, and you shouldn’t shout down ponies when they’re encouraging you to move on and solve your problems. Your student, Twilight Sparkle.” “Sounds good to me!” Spike said as he finished signing my name. “I couldn’t agree more,” I concurred. “Feel free to send it on its way.” One blast of green fire later, and the deed was done. “Heya Twi, Spike,” Applejack called as she walked up to us. “What’cha doin’ out here by yerselves?” “Just finishing up my letter to Celestia,” I answered. “It was due this evening.” “What was it about?” she inquired curiously. “You, of course!” I replied with a laugh. “You sure were stubborn!” Applejack laughed as well. “Haha, yeah…Ah was bein’ pretty silly…” “It’s okay, though,” I tried to comfort her, draping a forehoof around her shoulders as she sat down next to me. “We got it all figured out.” She smirked at that. “Yeah…Ah s’pose we did.” Suddenly, I was reminded of a certain question I’d been meaning to ask. “Say, Applejack, I’ve been wondering…” “Yeah?” “Whatever happened to Big Mac in the first place? He’s a pretty tough stallion…” Applejack flushed bright red at that. “Well…uh…” My eyebrows hit the ceiling. “Come on, you can tell us. I’m good at keeping secrets, remember?” “Yeah, Ah do…” she replied uncertainly. “Look, Ah won’t share the details, since Ah promised not ta talk ‘bout it, but let’s just say…y’all remember how he lost th’ bet, right?” “Yeah…” I answered. “Well…we had a bit o’ an issue with Granny’s girdle. That’s all Ah’m gonna say.” My eyes slowly widened. “Oh my…how horrifying.” “C’mon you three!” Pinkie exclaimed as she suddenly jumped out from behind the cushions of the couch we were seated on, startling the hay out of all of us. “The food’s almost ready! It’s time to PAAAARTAAAY!” And with that, we excitedly entered the kitchen for a fun night of food and friendship.