What Is And What Should Never Be: Part Three
Phil walked up a long flight of steps, anxiety getting the best of his mind. The challenges were going to get harder? Rarity's challenge had been difficult enough, having only won it out of the sheer happenstance that a unicorn's horn acted as a pleasure point. Knowing that now only further freaked out Phil, now aware that the magic her horn had produced was essentially some kind of magical cum. Magical cum that had landed on him. Phil was just as much a fan of bukkake as the next guy, but not when he was the target.
Phil reached the top of the stairs and stared the stainless steel door that stood between him and the next challenge. "Relax," he said to himself, taking a deep breath. "As long as I keep a cool head, I should be able to do this until the very end. No horny pony is gonna get the best of me!"
Phil reached out and pulled the door open, now brimming with confidence. Confidence, that was immediately destroyed by what he saw. The room was similar to the interior of a church from Earth, but decorated with flowers and lots of white material. Many rows of well dressed ponies filled the middle of the room, all of them seated in pews to either side of the room. A silk carpet, which Phil was currently standing on, split the two sets of pews and led up to a white robed pony and an alter.
Either this was a cult meeting, or Phil had walked into a wedding ceremony.
Luckily, it hadn't started yet, so Phil approached the white robed pony for some answers. "E-Excuse me," he said nervously to the pony in the white robe. "Who's wedding is this?"
The pony chuckled. "That's not a question the groom should be asking."
"G-Groom?"
All of the sudden, the ponies of the crowd began gasping and cheering from behind Phil. At the door he himself had walked through, stood a mare dressed in an elaborate white dress, lined with valuable gems. Phil couldn't tell who the mare was, as a white veil covered her face. She began walking down the carpet towards the alter, and as the classic "Here Comes The Bride" began playing, Phil realized that the wedding had already began.
"You've...you've got to be kidding me."
The mare reached the podium the two were to be wed on and flicked back the veil that shrouded her face, revealing the identity of Phil's future wife to be none other than Rainbow Dash.
"What's up, Phillips?" she said with a yawn. "You wait long?"
"Rai...Rainbow Dash?!" he said slack-jawed. "What the hell is going on?! Why are we being married?!"
She rubbed her eyes like she had just woke up from a nap. "Hell if I know, but why not? You look pretty strong, so at least our foals will be athletic."
"Foals? Like, pony kids?! Slow down a couple light years! I'm not ready to be married, let alone have kids! I'm still at the youthful age of 18. I still need to fit in a couple years of drinking and passing out in strange places before I'm ready to handle children!"
"Tone it down a little," she said straightly. "It's too late for that anyway; after all, I'm pregnant."
For a moment or two, Phil was unable to comprehend words.
"...You've reached the answering machine of Phil Phillips. He's not here right now, but you can leave a message after the beep."
Rainbow Dash smirked. "Ha, you're such a dumbass, Phil! Obviously I was jo-"
"BEEEEEEEEE-"
"Hey, what are you doing? I'm trying to tell you I was jok-"
"-EEEEEEEEE-"
"Phil, shut up, I was-"
"-EEEEEEEEE-"
"DAMN IT, PHIL, SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS A JOKE!"
"...eep."
Rainbow Dash shook her head back and forth while taking off the wedding dress she'd been wearing. "Jeez Phil, listen a little. By the way, this whole wedding ceremony thing was just a stupid gag by Discord. I wouldn't have gone along with it, but he said if I went with it, he would get me one of those new Spitfire action figures with real bucking action-"
"Woah, woah," interrupted Phil. "This was a joke? But...but it was so shitty! Seriously, it lasted all of a minute and-...wait, who the hell are the ponies in the pews?"
She shrugged. "Hell if I know." She looked around the room for an intercom. "Hey Discord! Joke's over now, so you can tell these ponies to leave or whatever. And can we get on with this 'challenge'? I should have been dashing 20 minutes ago."
"Very well then."
Phil and Rainbow Dash recoiled at the form of Discord emerging from one of the pews. He clapped to get the attention of the ponies in the pews. "The gig is up everypony. I apologize for stealing you from your homes and brainwashing you, but you can go now. Single file out the doors as quick as you can. Chop chop!"
The ponies, regaining control of their minds, shot out of their pews and barged out of the doors. Discord gave a hearty shrug. "Honestly, what jumpy ponies. What if somepony had been trampled in their rush? Safety first after all."
"Discord?!" said Rainbow Dash quizzically. "You're actually here? I thought you were doing everything from behind the intercom."
"Well my dear Dashie, I thought I'd take a little stroll just to see how you were all doing. Please don't be too phased by my words no longer being bolded, it's simply because I'm not on the intercom anymore."
"Woah Discord! You can't just break the forth-wall like that! If we don't stay in character, the author will slap us like the bitches we all are!"
"Oh, my mistake," Discord said, getting back into character. "However, the real reason I'm here in person is for the next cha-"
Discord was cut off when Phil flung himself at Discord, attempting to grab him. The God of Chaos managed to narrowly avoid him, sending Phil into a group of pews, toppling them over. Phil stood up awkwardly and gave Discord a blood-thirsty glare.
"SO YOU FINALLY SHOW YOURSELF!" yelled Phil, smiling with all the charisma of a murderous demon. "Ever since you began putting me through these ridiculous challenges, I vowed that the next time I saw you, I'd make you kneel before me! But I guess you aren't called a God for no reason. Making me miss and fly into those pews was pretty damn impressive!"
"Uhh Phil?" questioned Discord. "All I did was move out of the wa-"
"I mean, there wasn't even one of those weird magic auras or anything, but you still moved me without even touching me!"
"Really I didn't do anythi-"
"Shut your damn mouth already! I'm gonna kick your ass, so stand still!"
Discord sighed. "Fine, give it your best shot, but it's futile; you can't beat me."
Phil lunged at Discord in a rage, which caused the God of Chaos to simply smirk. Jumping off one of the pews, Phil stretched his leg out and swung it directly into Discord's face.
"Eat shit, Discord! This is my Finishing Move: The 'Why-Don't-You-Just-Fucking-Die-Already' kick!"
Even with Phil's full might put into his kick, Discord didn't even wince from the blow. "I told you Phil, fighting me really isn't your best option. Now if you're done fooling around, we can begin the next challenge."
"Fooling around?" muttered Phil bitterly. "Alright, just start the challenge already before I change my mind and kick your ass."
Discord chuckled. "That's cute, Phil, but will you be able to do that after I do this!"
Phil was suddenly hit with a large ball of magical energy, sending pink smoke all around the deserted church setting.
"Phil!" cried out Rainbow Dash. "Are you alright?"
Rainbow Dash's question was met with a frilly scream. The smoke dispersed and Phil was no longer there. In his place however, was a confused white stallion with a dark-brown mane and deep-blue eyes. With the similarities between the stallion and Phil, it didn't take an egghead to figure out what had occurred.
"Oh...my...gosh...Discord turned you into a...a pony!"
The newly ponified Phil looked at his new body in disbelief. He was pure-bred, 100% pony. As Phil tried to comprehend how his new legs worked, Discord observed his handiwork, trying to stifle his laughter.
"Oh Phil, aren't you just a pretty pony?" said Discord. "Well, I suppose we can't call you Phil now that you're a pony. I'll call you...Lilac Sprinkle."
"No!" objected Lilac Sprinkle. "You can't just change a person's name like that! And that name sounds like some kind of hippie cereal!"
"What's the matter, Lilac?" asked Rainbow Dash, also holding back her laughter. "Or would you prefer Captain Crunch, or Frosted Flake?"
"Why are you on his side?!" exclaimed Lilac Sprinkle. "And I could just as easily call you Froot Loop! Or Lucky Charms! Even Skittles!"
"Hey, that last one wasn't even a cereal!"
"Quit it, you two," intervened Discord. "Both your names are stupid anyway. Now that Phil is a pony, we can begin the next challenge."
Discord snapped his finger-things and a large glass box formed around Rainbow Dash. Discord cleared his throat. "I call this next game 'Riddle Me This'. I will ask Lilac here riddles until he gets either three right, or three wrong. If you get three right, you win and Rainbow Dash is freed. However, if you get three wrong, you lose and every picture I've taken today is tomorrow's front page news."
Phil/Lilac furrowed his brow. "So if you're just asking me riddles, why the hell did you have to turn me into a pony?"
"You"ll see, my dear Lilac. Now, first question: What can you catch, but cannot throw?"
Phil looked down in concentration. "Umm...a cold?"
"Ding ding, correct! Perhaps you're smarter than I gave you credit for. Second question: What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?"
Phil gasped. "I know this one! A player piano!"
Discord made an x with his arms. "Incorrect. That wasn't even close; it was a river. I think I forgot to mention this, but everytime you get a question wrong, you have to spend two minutes inside the glass box with Froot Loop over there."
With a snap of Discord's finger-things, Phil was shakily standing on his hoofs next to Rainbow Dash in the glass box. As Phil tried to get his bearings walking, he tried to come up with a reason for the glass box. After about 20 seconds of waiting, Phil still couldn't determine just what was supposed to be happening. Phil had expected water in the box, or some brain-washed Rainbow Dash jumping his bones, but there was nothing but silence.
"Hey, Froot Loop," whispered Phil to Rainbow Dash. "You have any idea what's going on?"
Instead of a response, the prismatic mare merely glanced over Phil's new body quickly then proceeded to hide her face behind her mane. Phil had only known the mare in question for about a day and a half, but even he could see what she was doing was un-rainbow. It wasn't even working very well due to her mane being on the shorter side.
"Umm, Rainbow Dash," whispered Phil, this time more concerned. "Are you feeling alright?"
She fidgeted around, looking nervous. "Well, I'm feeling better...now that you're around," she said meekly.
"...What kind of cheesy one-liner was that?"
"My n-name is R-Rainbow Dash," she continued, ignoring Phil. "It's nice to meet you."
Phil raised an eyebrow at her. "I know who you are, why the hell are you introducing yourself to me? You better not start monologuing all of the sudden."
"H-Hello, it's nice to meet everypony. My name is Rainbow Dash, and I'm just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill pegasus."
"Goddamn it, what did I just say?!"
"But even though I'm so very ordinary, I'm in love with one who is extraordinary. His name is Lilac Sprinkle, King of Pop Music."
"Am I Michael Jackson or something?!"
"One day, I hope for him to ask for my hoof in marriage, and we can live forever happy in The Magic School Bus."
"Just what are you on?! Stop monologuing out loud!"
*ding*
As the timer for the two minute glass box penalty went off, Phil found himself right back at Discord's side. Phil shook his mane and eyed Discord suspiciously.
"Just what did you do to Rainbow Dash?" he asked.
"See," began Discord. "This is where the fun part of the challenge begins. That little glass box she's in has a gas and hormone mixture floating around that makes a pony both aroused and delusional. The longer she's in there, the more it's going to affect her. Also, note that I said that this happens to 'a pony'. End up in that box too many times and the same thing will happen to you, Mister Lilac Sprinkle!"
Phil gritted his teeth. "Is this seriously what you spend your spare time doing?"
"What can I say, being immortal can lead to some pretty weird things, namely this and gender-swapping. Now, for the next skill-testing riddle: What is it that, after you take away the whole, some still remains?"
Phil closed his eyes to think. "Just give me a second...hmm...take away the whole...some still remains...whole...some..."
"Did you say the word 'wholesome'?" exclaimed Discord. "Amazing, that's correct!"
"But I didn't say...well whatever, I just have one more left before I'm out of here."
"That's true, just one more left," said Discord while stretching. "I guess I have to step the riddles up a notch. I'm where yesterday follows today, and tomorrow's in the middle. What am I?"
"Err..." Phil stumbled. "Well you're the...umm...the Wild West?"
Smirking, Discord pointed one of his thumbs toward the ground. "So close; the real answer was the dictionary. Better luck next time!"
Just as suddenly as before, Phil appeared right next to Rainbow Dash inside the glass box. Looking at Rainbow Dash this time, she appeared to be swaying back and forth in a daze.
Noticing Phil's sudden presence, Rainbow Dash hiccuped and wrapped her hooves around Phil's neck. "H-Hi there, Mister Sunflower! Did you come by to see me?"
Phil cringed at her delusional state. "Jeez, is there ecstasy in here or something? She's gone fucking coo-coo! I'll have answer the next riddle quickly before she gets any wor-"
Phil found himself suddenly tongue-tied by...well, another tongue. While Phil had been thinking out loud, Rainbow Dash had taken the opportunity to shove her tongue into his mouth. Shocked, Phil backed out of the kiss and wiped his mouth with a hoof.
"Man, this stuff is taking its effect already, eh?" he said mainly to himself. "Good thing it's nowhere near as bad as my powers at least."
Rainbow Dash happily bobbed her head up and down and giggled. "Mister Sunfloweeer! Come back! You need to be pollinated!"
As weirded out as Rainbow Dash's statement made him, it made Phil wonder. If she saw him as a sunflower, and she wanted to have hot pony-on-plant action with him, did that mean Rainbow Dash was sexually attracted to flowers? And more importantly, was there pornography of this particular fetish? Phil had wanted to further ponder the mechanics of it all, but he was snapped out of his thoughts by the hoof of a woozy Rainbow Dash feeling him up.
"Woah, Mister Sunflower, your flank is really muscular for some reason. Do you like...work out your roots or something?"
"...Yeah, I'm just lifting all day in the garden. There's nothing logically wrong with that sentence at all..."
She giggled and put her face right up close to Phil's. "Mister Sunflower, can I tell you a super special secret I've never told anypony before?"
Phil was actually surprised at the sudden change in mood between the two that seemed to happen almost instantly. "W-Well I still have about a minute left in this box so why not?"
"Okay," she said. "Then come a little closer so I can tell you."
Phil leaned in with his ear towards her and Rainbow Dash put her lips up to them. "The rainbows in my mane...are fake."
Phil turned to face her out of surprise. "Woah, are you serious? You mean your mane isn't naturally a rainbow and I'm the only one to know about it?
Rainbow Dash's woozy smile quickly turned into a full out grin. "Nope!" she declared proudly, then leaned in and gently licked Phil's upper lip. "It was only an excuse so I could do that! By the way, you taste nothing like the sun."
*ding*
Just like before, without warning, Phil was teleported right back to Discord's side, his white pony fur somehow glowing at the cheeks. "All right," said Discord dramatically. "This next riddle will make or break the challenge! Are you ready, Mister Sunflower?"
Phil sighed. "Yes, and cut it out with the nicknames. If I get this right, you'll change me back to a human and free Rainbow Dash, right?"
"That's the deal!"
Phil smiled confidently. "Then ask away."
"Here we go; what is the most delicious kind of punch?"
"...Huh?"
"Did you not hear me? I said, what is the most delicious kind of punch?"
"...Are you kidding? It's fruit punch obviously...you'd have to be brain dead not to get that one..."
"Y-You got that so easily! Nopony else I asked that question ever got it! They thought it was a trick question because there was only the drinking punch, so they over-thought it!"
Phil raised an eyebrow at Discord. "Yeah, well next time, don't ask that one to someone who normally has fists...for punching..."
Discord put on a pouty expression. "Fine," he said bitterly. "The challenge is yours...cheater..."
Discord, admitting defeat, changed Phil back into a human as per their agreement, and reduced the gases in the glass box back into air, but hesitated before letting Rainbow Dash out of the box.
"Come on, Discord," whined a back-to-normal Rainbow Dash. "You said you would let me out after this was over!"
Discord gave her a devilish grin. "The choice isn't mine, my dear, but Phil's."
The two looked over at Phil, who merely shrugged at Discord. 'Why ask? You know I'm just going to let her out."
"Well," began Discord. The rules for these challenges state that anypony who can still carry themselves to the other challenges, must go after their challenge is beat. It's in the fine print."
Phil looked over at a hopeful Rainbow Dash. "So if I let her out, I have to take her to the other challenges?"
Discord gave a quick nod.
"Well then, Rainbow Dash, guess you'll be staying there a little longer."
Before Rainbow Dash could yell at Phil for his betrayal, he was already off running towards the next challenge's staircase.
She huffed and looked over at Discord. "Hey, if I'm stuck in here, can I have some more of that gas stuff?"
Discord laughed. "Fine, that'll be 20 bits."
"...12 bits."
"15 bits."
"...Deal."