Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony


54: A Trip to the Derpist

Derpy stretched her hooves and wings as she appeared in Karyn’s room. “Goodness, it feels like such a long time since I’ve been here!”

“Has it really? Seems like normal to me.”

Karyn turned away from Derpy and sipped a glass of water that she had by her desk. “Anyway, we’re here, so let’s have fun.”

“Yeah. Fun. Fun would be good for today.”

“Is everything all right?”

Karyn got her jacket and put on her shoes. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s head out or something.”

Derpy pursed her lips in skepticism, but followed Karyn invisibly as they walked around the campus.

“It’s pretty here today.”

“Yes. So much more relaxing now that I know a changeling queen isn’t going to take over.”

Down in the quad, a small duck pond was set up with benches surrounding it. Karyn took space on one of the benches and left just enough room for Derpy to fit, but not for it to appear that there was room for another person.

Sighing, Karyn stared between the buildings. She felt a comforting wing rub the back of her neck.

“Come on, I can tell when something’s wrong.”

“It’s coming up tomorrow. That time of the year that I dread. Twice a year, in fact.”

“Christmas sales?” said Derpy, trying to think of something that happened semiannually.

“Ha, no. Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” said Karyn. “So you can see why I’m not the best of company today.”

Derpy nodded, which Karyn could feel, and her distress was momentarily alleviated by discovering that she had become so adept at picking up Derpy’s gestures that the invisibility was almost no handicap.

“No, why?” said Derpy.

“Because it’s the dentist. Nobody likes going to the dentist.”

“I don’t get it.”

Karyn pointed to her jaw. “See, there are some people who work really well around pain, but I’m not one of them. Pain and me, we don’t go together. It’s basically the opposite of me and you.”

“I can understand that. I don’t like pain either.”

“Of course, you’ve got to go. There’s an old saying that there’s no sense putting off a trip to the dentist. That’s how iconic the dentist is as a place people don’t want to go to. But you’ve got to. My father put it off once and then he had this horrible pain. I thought he was going to pass out, that’s how bad it was. I was very young at the time, and I don’t remember where my mom was, but I had to go with him when he went to get a root canal. He was tough with the pain, but having to be in there with him, I’ll never forget it.”

Derpy listened, nodding and stroking Karyn with her wing. “It must have been hard to see your father in pain like that.”

“No, beyond that. When the dentist drilled his tooth, the smell that permeated the room was like nothing I’ve ever encountered. The smell of decay and death, I could just feel the instincts from thousands of years of evolution telling me to reject it and get out. Then he had to take these powerful antibiotics to make sure the infection didn’t come back.”

She felt Derpy take off and hover around. “Well, if you’ve got to go, there’s only one thing to do: take a good friend with you. I’ll take a personal day from mail delivery and come early. With me by your side, you need fear no pain.”

“Why? Do you have some kind of anti-nociception spell to make me impervious?”

“Huh? No, I just meant I’d cheer you up. Anyway, at the dentist you need something to stop reception in your teeth, not your nose.”

Karyn shook her head, but for the moment she had forgotten all about her appointment.

The next morning, Karyn woke up and went to her early class, but she wasn’t paying much attention, her mind occupied both with the fear of the dentist and her anticipation of spending another day with Derpy.

Watching out for Albert, she walked out of the education building and to the back alley, where Derpy, having appeared, monitored the class for its exit. They made their way to the light rail, which at that time of day was empty. With her Bluetooth in place just in case, Karyn was free to talk to Derpy.

“I’m just glad that I can still be on my parents’ insurance while I’m at college. It’s bad enough to have to go, but to have it hit my wallet as well as my mouth would be a double whammy. How do you pay for the doctors in Equestria?”

“With bits, same as everything else.”

“But don’t you find that it’s awkward to have to shell out money when you’re sick? Or when Dinky was?”

Derpy thought for a while. “I can see your point, but the doctors have to make money too.”

“And they do. But you’re always telling me how, on the budget, you have to save for big expenses. In this case, it’s my parents, but someday I’ll have to have a saving account or buy insurance myself.”

“Well, however you pay, what I think is most important is to have a doctor who cares about you and knows what he or she is doing.”

“Agreed.”

The train arrived, and it wasn’t much farther to Karyn’s dentist’s office, which was nestled in between several other buildings. The parking lot was only accessible through an alley a few blocks down, but since they hadn’t driven, they didn’t have to see it. When they entered, Karyn went right to the front desk and signed in, while Derpy took a seat in the waiting area. The receptionist showed no sign of going anywhere, so Karyn had to mutter to Derpy while pretending to read a magazine.

“There is a smell here,” Derpy whispered, “but it’s not unpleasant at all. It actually smells the same as Colgate’s office back in Equestria.”

“Sure, all dentists’ offices have that. It has to do with the antiseptics they use, I think.”

The receptionist stared at Karyn, and she clammed up. Derpy kept whispering to her. “It’s all right, don’t be nervous. In another hour, it’ll all be over.”

Karyn laughed to herself, drawing the attention of the receptionist again, as she had turned back to her billing computer. Silently, she thanked Derpy. She was more worried about having her pony friend discovered than she was about what the dentist might do.

From the inner offices, the telltale whir of a drill sounded out into the waiting room. Karyn lifted her legs up and cradled them. Even Derpy had an edge of nervousness enter her voice.

“Don’t panic. I’m sure that it’s all right.”

The sound stopped soon enough, and an older, balding man stepped out and headed for the exit, chewing on nothing. After a few minutes of cleaning, Karyn’s name was called.

The room had a mural of a wind-blown sand dune that was clearly placed to calm patients. But it did little to draw Karyn’s eye away from the plastic chair and the table of gleaming metal instruments. She threw her leg over the chair, thinking of how much like mounting Derpy the motion was, but in a far different context.

The hygienist who came in wore a floral shirt that still managed to identify itself with the medical profession under her apron. She pressed a control on the side of the chair, and it leaned back. Karyn felt distinctly helpless.

“We’re going to take x-rays first. Bite down and hold.” The device that they hygienist put in Karyn’s mouth was more like a big plastic spoon, and Karyn, who had anticipated the obtrusive plastic plate that would make her gag, was grateful. Then she draped the heavy lead apron over her, and positioned the x-ray machine against her mouth. “Just hold it for a moment.”

She stepped outside to press the button, and Karyn heard the half-second buzz of the machine. On a computer screen to her right, a program took the scan and processed it. But when the hygienist came back in right after, she scowled at the screen. “Hmm, it didn’t take right. Open again. All right, now hold.” To herself as she walked out, she muttered, “Looks like a feather.”

Karyn shook Derpy’s hoof and motioned her to fly clear. The machine buzzed again, and the hygienist smiled as she re-entered. The machine was attached to a multi-stage arm, and could move in three dimensions. Derpy had to play some three-dimensional Tetris to make sure she wasn’t bumped into as the other side of Karyn’s mouth was scanned.

“All right,” the hygienist said, “The dentist will be in momentarily.”

“I wish I could keep the lead apron,” Karyn said. “It actually makes me more comfortable. Like a thick blanket.”

She grinned, but the apron was removed anyway.

Whether the hygienist changed the routine or just didn’t know what was going on, it was not the dentist who walked in next, but a second hygienist who introduced herself as Sarah. She had Karyn lean back and prodded her mouth. The initial probing with the mirror and hook was not bad, but then she reached for another switch and the sound of flowing water was heard.

Sarah noticed that Karyn held onto one arm of the chair, but kept her left hand in midair, as if there were a bar there to hold onto. She began the cleaning, directing the water jet into the back of Karyn’s mouth.

Derpy kept one hoof steady, but used the other to rub Karyn’s hand. Her friend was clearly in pain, but she wondered if Karyn wasn’t perhaps exacerbating how bad it was by slamming her eyes shut and not watching. Then the first sign of red came in Karyn’s mouth, and even Derpy looked away. But since she was invisible and Karyn wasn’t looking anyway, no one would ever know her cowardice.

Afterwards, Sarah attacked Karyn’s mouth with floss. Karyn flossed herself on occasion, but in doing so was far gentler. The image of a cheese slicer going through her gums was in her head. At last, she was allowed to rinse out and spit into the little sink. Sarah gave her the fluoride treatment and left the room. Karyn was still mute, but Derpy could talk to her in a low whisper.

“It’s almost over. Now you’ve got that painkiller there in your mouth.”

Karyn shook her head.

“No? Well, it can’t hurt just to put something cool onto it. That was very different from my visits to Colgate. At least I think it is.”

Karyn muttered a questioning grunt.

“Well, it feels different. I keep my eyes closed as well.”

Sarah came back a few minutes later, removed the fluoride and had Karyn rinse again. If she had heard any conversation, she said nothing. “Don’t eat or drink anything for the next two hours.”

“No cavities?” asked Karyn with a hopeful note in her voice.

“Actually, there is one, but Dr. Irving was called away to our other office for an emergency.”

From outside the office, Derpy saw a man in a white coat depositing a golf bag in the back of an SUV.

“So if you wouldn’t mind making another appointment, we can take care of you tomorrow I’m sure and get that filled.”

“Tomorrow? That’s probably not good. Is there any chance of scheduling the appointment, say, next Sunday?”

“Sorry, we’re closed on Sunday,” said Sarah.

“Really? Well, let me check my schedule.” Karyn took out her phone and pretended to open its calendar. “Let me see, when can I squeeze this in. One time would be good, but not at two. So, let’s see, Thursday?”

Sarah eyed Karyn’s extended hand and watched it seem to jerk and spasm. “Is that good for you?”

“No, but tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow, how about at three o’clock?

Karyn felt again. “Do you have anything outside of normal business hours? I know I’m only a student, but I tend to keep a nine-to-five schedule.”

“Six-thirty?”

“Fine”

Sarah typed the appointment and handed Karyn a reminder card. She hustled out of the office without looking back.

On the way to the light rail, Karyn continued to spit on the grass by the sidewalk. She almost wished that Derpy weren’t there, so she would be free to be as disgusting as she needed to be. But she kept her composure and wiped her mouth.

Sitting on the bench, Karyn tapped her foot rapidly. “You were wrong. It’s not over. I’ve got to go back tomorrow.”

“You know, there is another option.”

“What’s that? I can’t just ignore it. If I don’t get this cavity filled, it will get worse and start to really hurt.”

“No,” said Derpy, “I was going to suggest you come with me and have Colgate take care of it.”

“Wait, what? Have a pony work on my teeth? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

“All I know is that I don’t have pain when I go to her, and even if there is discomfort, at least there’s no scary sounds like there, only the pleasant tinkling sound of magic.”

Karyn pictured it in her head. A unicorn using her magic gently on her, caring as all the ponies did. “Sounds great. Let’s do it. Do you think she will give us a Sunday appointment?”

“Only one way to find out.”

They pulled into the light rail station closest to Karyn’s dorm, and Derpy pulled out her spell. Arriving in Equestria on the ground, Karyn dismounted and looked at Derpy’s house. Colgate lived close, and Karyn remembered many months before when Derpy had gotten her a toothbrush during an embarrassing illness.

“Um…so, before we go in,” said Karyn, “shouldn’t we check on the cat first? Or bake muffins? Or do anything else?”

“I thought you weren’t worried anymore.”

“Well, I wasn’t, but then I thought of something. Do ponies know about Novocain?”

“About what?”

Karyn groaned and rubbed her cheek. “That’s what I was afraid of. No matter how nice and gentle she is, she’ll still be exposing the root of my tooth to the open air, and that’s going to be painful. You can’t tell me it’s not.”

“Let’s just go see her and ask how she does it.”

They walked down the road to find a wooden shingle with a picture of a tooth on it. It was still on the road with all the houses, and Karyn was about to point out how unusual it was to have a business running in a residential area, but she remembered that dentists on Earth sometimes worked out of their houses also. She held the door open for Derpy to pass, hearing the tinkling bell signaling the proprietor.

Colgate emerged, and Karyn shrunk to the wall out of instinctual fear. Even across the worlds, the office had the same antiseptic odor.

“Hello, Derpy,” the unicorn said. “I don’t think you’re scheduled for another four months and eighteen days. Is something wrong?”

“Actually, I was wondering if you couldn’t take a look at my friend here. She went to her own dentist in the human world and didn’t enjoy it at all.”

“I beg your pardon, but you wish me to practice my craft on a human?”

“You’re always so polite,” said Derpy. “Yes, she has a cavity.”

Karyn blushed and waved.

“Hmm, yes, well, perhaps it would help to expand my horizons. Would you kindly have a seat here, miss?”

Karyn, in fact, could not have a seat in the chair, because it was nothing like any such she had seen. Most furniture in Equestria was a good analogue of human furniture, and ponies could sit or lie down like humans. But in this case, the ponies clearly felt more comfortable lying prone instead of supine, with their hooves dangling off the sides. It was closer to a massage table than a dentist’s chair.

She saw the difference. A human preferred to work from the top down. Their hands were at waist level and they bent from the waist. Ponies would work more horizontally—Twilight Sparkle had no problems reading a book while walking, for example.

It still wasn’t the most comfortable position, but with a few strategically placed pillows, Karyn was made at ease. It also had the advantage of not requiring any suction; the saliva dropped down into a basin that Colgate floated over, which meant that Karyn didn’t have to keep her throat closed to breathe.

Colgate was adept at her magic, as she kept the basin, a light, and her instruments all in place while she examined Karyn’s mouth. “Your teeth are a lot smaller than ponies’ teeth. How many times do you lose and regrow them?”

“Ja wa,” said Karyn, having to hold her mouth open.

“Just once? Same as us, at least. All right, yes. I see the cavity, but what is with these others? It looks like there’s some kind of metal in there.”

Colgate removed the instruments, and Karyn was free to speak. “Yes, I’ve had two fillings before. That’s how they do them in the human world. I don’t know all the details, but they drill out the tooth and put in silver.”

“I see. May I inspect it magically? It might feel a little weird.”

“Go ahead.”

“Let me know if it hurts,” said Colgate. Karyn felt magical vibrations inside one of her fillings. There was no pain, but she imagined that it was like when people received radio signals in fillings, as she’d heard of. “Interesting. Crude, but effective. In this case, however, I believe that I can regrow it from natural material. But I will have to clean out the decay, and you may feel a little pressure.”

“Can I hold Derpy’s hoof while you do it?”

“Of course.”

For the second time that day, Karyn grabbed for Derpy and squeezed, but this time she could see as well. Colgate went over to a drawer and levitated out a long needle. Karyn squirmed and slid back in the seat.

“Don’t worry. This is just to numb the pain.”

Karyn whimpered even more.

Colgate looked confused. “It’s nothing unnatural. The needle just points me toward the pain receptors in your brain so I know what to shut down. Your thinking won’t be affected.”

Karyn blinked as the needle floated gently into her hair, then she felt a tingle in her forehead. A moment later, Colgate floated the needle back to the drawer and told Karyn to open wide.

The scraping feeling was uncomfortable, but there was no pain, and neither was there the annoying numbness that Novocain brings. After a few minutes, she was told to hold still. Colgate talked as she focused her magic.

“You should eat a good meal after I’m finished, since I’m using your own body’s energy and mass to regrow the tooth, and you’ll be tired if you don’t. Also, you really need to brush and floss three times a day.”

Karyn nodded, wondering if dentists believed that anyone lived up to that. She hopped off the chair and walked out while Derpy thanked Colgate. They conversed for a while.

As they walked back toward Derpy’s house, any discomfort Karyn’s felt was outweighed by knowing that it was finally over for another six months. But she thought of something.

“Derpy, did you pay for me? I hate to have you spend so many bits.”

“Of course not. Colgate will charge your parents’ insurance, just like the human dentist.”

“What?!” Karyn wondered how they would pull that off, if Colgate had some kind of magic that would fool the insurance company’s books. But Derpy broke up laughing. “You got me.”

“No, what happened is that I told her how you guys handle it, with everyone paying for insurance and just getting treatment when they need it, and she thought it was interesting. She’s thinking about using the idea herself, and said that today was free for putting it in her mind.”

“Well, I’m not sure that’s the best thing, but at least it doesn’t cost you money. Thanks for helping out.”

***

The next day, after Karyn finished dinner, she heard the sign of Derpy’s arrival. It didn’t startle her as it once would have, but she was confused. “Hi, Derpy. What’s going on?”

“I’m here to come with you to your dentist’s appointment.”

“But I don’t need to go now. That was the whole point of seeing Colgate yesterday.”

“That’s the fun of it,” said Derpy. “You can go and he’ll look at your tooth and he’ll see the magical filling and wonder how it was done.”

“More likely he’ll just think that his x-ray technician made a mistake, or that there was a spot on the plate thingy they used to scan it. Not that I mind you being here, but I had no plans to keep the appointment.”

“Are you sure?”

Karyn threw out her dinner plate and stared at Derpy. “What’s going on? I can tell when you’re up to something.”

“Well, you said that you didn’t know exactly how human dentists did fillings. Is there any chance you can go to the appointment and find out?”

“What for?”

Derpy sighed. “After we left, Colgate’s next patient was Rarity. She said that she’s not going to rest until she finds out how she can get a precious metal embedded in her body.”