Chapter 38: Invasion of the Bone Snatchers
I looked over the balcony again. It still amazed me; rat people. Here. Why were they here? Oh, right, Aldous. What did he do to piss them off so badly? And was I supposed to meet them at the gate?
"What do you want me to do about this?" I asked.
"Get rid of them," Drac stated. "How you get rid of them is up to you. Just don't destroy anything of mine. I'll let them know you're coming down."
"Will they be pissed that you sent a bone man to greet them?"
"Oh, very. But you're wearing your clothes, right?"
I tugged on my robe and lifted my hat. "Nah, these are illusions that I can touch."
"Oh, shut up and hold still." There was a flash of light, then nothing. I thought he had teleported me to those rats, but he didn't. Instead, he motioned to a mirror. I looked at it and...well, I was amazed.
No longer were my bones showing. In fact, if I didn't know better already, I would've thought I had regained my human form. Or become a Black Waltz. The clothes didn't change, but my face had become shrouded in darkness, two yellow eyes placed where they should be. When I lifted the hat, the darkness dispersed, revealing my Stalfos form again.
"There,” Drac commented with a smile. “Now they'll be none the wiser."
So...who wants to bet a hundred yen they won't fall for it?
Concealing my sword and shield as I approached the door that separated me from an angry pack of rats, I took one deep breath. Aldous had followed me, but I ordered him to stay in the lobby. He obeyed and sat smack in the middle. I looked back, seeing the hellhound snarl. Whatever he did, he must've done it because these rats pissed him off. I sighed and opened the door, quickly closing it behind me so they didn't see my backup.
I looked at the group before me. Yep, bipedal rats armed to the teeth, red-eyed and as tall as I was as a human. Four of them were equipped with lances, three of them with swords, and two of them with axes. There was a huge motherfucker who was angrily snarling. I mentally noted his size could probably match The Blob from X-Men. Then there were the two robed rats. The one furthest from the group, which I am thankful for, looked like he (I hoped it was a he) was suffering from every known disease, the most obvious being leprosy. The vials made me think that he was part alchemist, part mage, though the latter MIIIIIGHT be stretching. Also, the smell? Totally coming from him.
The one leading the group, which I believe was the only thing keeping Big Ugly from just tearing the place apart, carried a huge staff. Unlike the others, who were all decked out in armor and itching for a fight, this one simply examined me curiously. Maybe I could get out of this without a fight?
"So...you are its new owner..." the good-robed rat said. The voice was feminine.
"Punctual," I answered. "though I have no idea what you speak of."
"Ah, I forget. He said you were a newcomer and had no idea what is going on," the rat replied. I could've sworn I saw a smirk under that robe.
"I'm allowed to learn, though...right?" I asked.
She tapped the staff, as if pondering whether or not I deserved to know what was going on. "Mmm...no, you are not allowed. But I'll make it simple: surrender your friend, and I will leave with my twelve companions."
I was about to ask which friend she was talking about, but something didn't sound right about what she said. After a quick headcount, I realized her flaw. "Correct me if my counting is off," I stated, "but including you, there are only twelve of you here curre-" My sentence was cut off as an arrow struck my chest. It was lodged where my heart should be.
I looked at the arrow, a tad confused. They did, too, also confused. "Well..." I muttered, "...this is...inconvenient."
"That arrow struck you in heart," one of the sword rats stated. "You should be dead."
"I should be," I nodded, "but I ain't." Another arrow hit me, this time piercing where my lung should have been. I looked around, hoping to find the bastard that thought I deserved to be a pincushion.
The staff rat sighed. "It seems Plan A isn't going to work. Time for Plan B. SKAVEN! KILL THIS FOOL!" With a loud cry, all eleven of them charged at me, while more arrows started to enter my chest.
"Okay, the arrows are really starting to piss me off," I said to myself. I took a moment to review what little information I had: these rats wanted something. Considering Drac said it had to do with Aldous, I guessed they wanted him. They assumed I was the owner because I had come out to 'discuss' the matter. Because their initial plan was for an archer to pepper me with arrows so they could waltz in and get their prize, diplomacy was WAY out of the question. So now it was four lancers, three swordsmen, two axemen, one El Gigante, one rotting mage, one invisible archer, and one robed staff rat versus...one disguised Stalfos with a chest full of arrows.
At what point were reinforcements going to come, and if the answer was never, how in the nine hells of Dante's Inferno was I supposed to come out on top?
Pretty soon, all nine soldiers had jumped and implanted their weapons in me, then stepped aside as El Gigante threw me in the air, away from the door. As I flew threw the air, I was pelted with more goddamn arrows. I landed on the ground with a thud, the decayed one not even bothering to attack me. I contemplated just laying there, thinking they'd go inside, pick Aldous up, and then run off with their prize. The robed rat smirked as she turned to the mansion door.
"I thought the owner would be a bit more difficult to get rid of than that!" she shouted to the third floor. "We'll be taking the mutt now, if you value this worthless mansion!" I saw the decaying rat approaching me, and with it, the overpowering stench of disease. Seriously, HOW is this corpse still walking!? ...actually, that could be the answer. He's a corpse.
If he was a corpse, however, he certainly didn't have the brains of one. He sniffed my body, a confused look forming on his face. Or rather what was left of it. He took a second sniff before turning to the robed rat. "Priestess," he spoke.
"What is it, Rotter?" the robed rat, or Priestess, asked with an exasperated sigh.
"This thing...he's dead," he stated.
"Um, yeah," Priestess said. "That's kind of what we WANT him to be, isn't it?"
"No, I mean..." Rotter coughed. Oh, don't get it over the robes, you diseased-filled rat! "He was dead from the beginning."
There was silence. I heard a cough, thankfully not from Rotter. Then laughter.
"Rotter, I think your nose is fooling you!" a soldier laughed. "You say that as if he was a zombie!"
Showtime. I pulled out one of the arrows that riddled my body and stabbed it through the Rotter's leg. He howled in pain as I used my left arm to trip him, making him land on his back. With my right hand, I grabbed a second arrow, twirled it, and stabbed it through his mouth, shoving it upward and piercing the brain.
Silence reigned as I got up and started pulling arrows out, not caring about the crowd and their jaws on the ground. After they were all out, I removed the weapons that were jammed in me and tossed them over to the rats. Looking at my robes and sighing at all of the holes, I knew they were useless to wear. Seriously, I don't know why I even TRY to keep them decent anymore. So, dramatically as I could (which is to say, not at all), I tossed my hat and robe off, revealing my true form.
"I'm not a zombie," I said, readying my sword and shield, "I'm a Stalfos. Stal-Fos. I don't eat people OR their brains." Rotating my head 360 degrees, I let out a small chuckle as I added, “In that respect? I’m FAR worse than one.”