The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Mechanical Integrity

A/N: Please make sure the setting in the upper right reads “Dark” and not “Light”. Thank you.

You know, I was going through a couple of the more recent suggestions in the comments. I had hoped that I had already made it perfectly clear that I am NOT writing any more Discord chapters. Please. Stop. Asking.

Thank you.
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Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, Sega, and Archie Comics.
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Get ready, sugar cubes. This here is going to be a wild rodeo.

Get along, little doggies! We’ve got us some wild-west, Southern-stereotyped cowgirls.

Who will be the most headstrong in their fight for the truth?

Will it be Bunnie Rabbot of the “Freedom Fighters”?

Or Applejack of the six legendary Elements of Harmony?

He’s W and I’m B.

And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Bunnie Rabbot
-AKA Bunnie Rabbot’D-Coolette
-Attire: Cowboy hat and jacket
-Skilled in martial arts
-Half roboticized body allows her access to telescopic extending limbs, super-strength, rocket booster flight, laser cannon, and forcefield generator
-Is not very fond of her mechanical half
-Her robotic limbs can malfunction and fall off

Standing at three-foot-five and weighing 48 kilograms is a cyborg: half rabbit, half rabbot!

Bunnie Rabbot’D-Coolette was saved from the evil Dr. Robotnik after being partially roboticized. She’s since dedicated her whole life to combating the doctor’s plans alongside Sonic the Hedgehog and the rest of the Freedom Fighters.

Yeah, like no robot would ever rebel against the Eggman… except Metal Sonic… and E-123 Omega… and Gamma during the Chaos arc.

Right. Bunnie’s cybernetics make up her left arm and both of her legs increasing her strength immensely. These limbs can be extended with their telescopic abilities… somehow.

Plus, that metal isn’t just for shine. It also carries good old robotic powers like a forcefield generator, laser cannon, and rocket boosters. But like the hedgehog for whom the show and comic are named after, Rabbot can’t swim.

And the limbs are detachable. But, when they do break off of her body, Bunnie can’t use the respective powers that are inherent to her cybernetics. Thankfully as long as they are attached, they work in conjunction with her studied martial arts and metal working prowess.

She’s also Sally’s hairdresser but really, I don’t think a hairbrush is going to be much help in a fight, especially when she’s got a laser cannon.

Despite these extraordinary powers, Bunnie is not too fond of her robotic half. In fact, future Bunnie Rabbot will become full flesh-and-blood.

What is it with certain combatants that get rid of their bad*ss powers for reasons that make no sense?

I suppose she just wants the stain of Dr. Robotnik off of her.

Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t want Eggman’s germs on me either.

“Now, don’t you worry yourself none.”

Applejack
-Also called “AJ”
-Usual attire: a cowboy Stetson and hair bands for her mane and tail
-Has participated and is proficient in all sorts of rodeo events
-Has proud lasso skills and hoof wrasslin’
-Is stubbornly prideful and takes a lot of convincing to accept help
-Element of Honesty necklace doesn’t work unless used with all five of the other Elements

I call hax on this pony.

Hax? What are you talking about, B?

There is no freaking way that an orange pony named after an apple cereal could possibly beat Chuck Norris.

We’re not here to speculate past battles. We’re here to give the new viewers insight as to who the combatants of today’s battle are.

I’m just saying.

And I’m just ignoring you. *Ahem* According to Twilight Sparkle, Applejack represents the spirit of Honesty in friendship.

That’s funny. I see her lying more often than not. Heck, that rainbow-colored horse is more honest than she is.

Blame lazy writing. Anyway, Applejack is exceptionally skilled in physical activities, outdoor sports, and rodeo events. A single hoof stomp from her can easily demolish a wooden target, yet still be focused enough to avoid breaking the apple trees that she bucks.

She *effs* apple trees?

No. You see, “buck” is the word used to describe the act of an equine kicking.

That’s what she said.

How is that...? Never mind. Her neck is strong enough to endure the whiplash of swinging an entire bale of hay through the air. She has also managed to endure the beatings of several enemies like the changelings. Plus, she is more than capable of going hoof-to-hoof against Rainbow Dash.

Just one question: How the hell does that pony play the fiddle? Hooves. String instruments. How?

*Shrug* Magic?

Darn you magical ponies.

Though she’s been shoved to the background even in her own episodes, she still manages to shine with her mature insight in many of the ponies’ unsettling situations.

“You can have amazing apples and you can have a wonderfully crispy crust. But only together can you have a perfect apple pie.”

D**n it. Now I’m hungry.

All right, the combatants are set. Let’s settle this debate once and for all.

It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

It’s a nice sunny day. Flowers are blooming. Birds are chirping. Two creatures are giving each other incredulous looks. What a lovely day. (Take that back, you fiend!)

“What in tarnation are ya’ll supposed to be?” wonders the blonde, orange pony.

I wish Sugah hog were here to see this, thinks the half-metal, anthropomorphic rabbit.

“FIGHT!”

“Well whatever you are, you can go right on back to where you came from!” exclaims Applejack.

She pulls out a lasso from her saddlebag. Using her teeth, she twirls the circle of rope a few times before throwing it at the sight before her. Once the loop is snug, she starts turning in place and yanks the rope along a circular path of air. The rabbit is doing nothing but swinging around in the centripetal force.

After a few circles around, Applejack lets go of the rope letting the tied up quarry go flying. She watches the opponent fly off out of sight.

“Yee-haw!” she hollers.

Meanwhile, Bunnie Rabbot is taking the time to use the strength of her robotic arm to tear the rope off and free herself. She activates the rocket boosters in her feet to fly back the way she came. She eventually comes back and slams a landing into the ground, causing a small earthquake. The shockwave sends Applejack flipping over several feet. The pony lifts herself up and shakes out some dust.

“What in the hay?” she murmurs before realizing that the half-rabbit is back.

AJ decides to use something else in her arsenal. She pulls out a couple apples and launches them with a couple of kicks. Bunnie, however, is already activating her forcefield generator and the now apple mush slides harmlessly off the dome. The cyber-bunnie decides to take a more direct approach to deal with her attacker.

She starts running forward as Applejack decides to do the same with a gallop. Once they are in close, the pony starts delivering a few front jabs, back kicks, and tail smacks. With those robotic limbs blocking each of the attacks, Bunnie is taking very little if any damage. She soon returns the favor by letting loose a few of her martial arts counter-moves. A punch from her metal arm sends Applejack reeling back and letting out a yelp in pain.

Said pony spits out a drop of blood to the side before staring at the enemy in determined frustration. Bunnie wears a look of regret on her face before arming her laser cannon. Even though AJ has never seen a weapon of that design before, she does get the feeling that anything charging up power like a unicorn’s horn is bad news.

“Woah, nelly!” Applejack exclaims as she turns tail and gallops the other way.

Bunnie fires a few shots from her cannon. The laser fire kicks up a lot of earth and dirt as Applejack barely manages to avoid the main blasts. How her hat is still on her head during all of this, I’ll never know.

The rabbit gives up on her less than stellar aim and instead stretches her legs… literally. The rest of her body is sent forward at a pace that quickly catches up to the running pony and grabs her by the back hooves. They almost just as quickly shrink back, taking Applejack in tow. After returning to their original length, they start stretching up skyward bound.

A few stories up, and Applejack can barely identify the ground. Her hat can no longer defy gravity and falls off her upside-down head. Before she can say, “Land sakes,” Bunnie has let go and she is in free fall. The Stetson-less pony thinks quickly and pulls out her backup lasso. Giving it a twirl, she launches and aims it at the rabbit’s still outreaching cyber-arm. She stops falling just a few feet above the ground and bites into that rope for dear life.

There’s an unusual cracking sound and AJ gently falls the rest of the way to the ground. About a second later, the mechanical limb makes an impression in the ground right next to her. At first, she’s startled and absolutely horrified at the thought of a limb falling off. Then, she looks deep in thought for a moment.

She takes a quick gallop and delivers a bucking kick to the long metal legs. The vibrations move back into her, causing her shake in place. However, she’s not the only one getting the shakes.

“Woah-oh-oh-oh!” yells Bunnie as her upper body gets whipped around at the end of those long bars.

Applejack manages to still her head enough to deliver one more kick into the already wobbling legs of the half-rabbit. They start to topple a long way back. Bunnie’s back just barely misses the ground. She then starts getting whiplash and her legs swing all the way forward. She lands really hard face first into the ground.

Oh, geez. That’s going to leave a mark.

“K.O.!”

Hax! Totally hax!

Sorry, B, but that’s impossible. Applejack has no computer experience whatsoever. Even though she figured out that the laser cannon was dangerous, there was no way for her to do any reprogramming of any sort.

But she kicked the cyborg rabbit thing. That’s like… rebooting, right?

Anyway, Bunnie did have a large advantage in endurance and available weaponry, but that advantage relied on the one part of her body she disliked the most: her cybernetics. Plus, she has been known to have problems keeping her telescopic limbs under control.

How did a pony know where to aim her rope?

Well, Applejack’s had plenty of practice. In the past, she was even able to land two direct lasso strikes on Rainbow Dash while she was flying away from her. In this case, it was over as soon as Applejack took away the robotic arm, the part that Bunnie relied on.

*Sigh* I guess. She’s overtaken Chuck Norris and a freaking robo-bunny. Applejack is best pony. There, I said it!

The winner is Applejack.

Next time on Death Battle…

Did you really think the eternal night was over?

Then you thought wrong.