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// Nation Grieving After Oil Tycoon's Death 
// Story: The Onion: Equestrian Bureau 
// by The Read Later List 
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Nation Grieving After Oil Tycoon's Death

Canterlot, Equestria- The nation of Equestria is in shambles today, grieving the untimely death of 88 year old oil tycoon, Wage Cuts, who will be remembered for his generous donations of oil to the coast of Equestria, as well as providing every one of his employees a place to sleep and a store to buy goods with company credits.  It's no secret that the multi-billion bit philanthropist was a saint in a three piece suit, but for those few that weren't familiar with his widespread influence and popularity, here is a short biography on his life.

-Wage Cuts was born to a wealthy family, being the son of an established oil corporation owner and a Canterlot politician.  
-At the age of two, Wage, or Mr. Cuts to his friends, created his first corporation that handled the buying and selling of playground commodities.  This eventually became one of the most successful drug cartels in all of Equestria, until it's members dispersed into their own cartels and began having turf wars that lasted for the next ten years..
-Age 22, Wage graduates from Canterlot University with a degree in Zebra-Equestrian Studies and a minor in insider trading.  
-Immediately following the tragic death of both his parents who perished in an unfortunate accident in which their car exploded moments after Wage Cuts exited the vehicle; he took over his father’s company and implemented a strict code of rules that limited employees to one bathroom break a day, required every worker to wear perimeter activated shock collars, and mandated that every employee hand over their first born foal to work in “hard to reach places.”
-Age 43, nothing worth mentioning.
-Age 75, Cuts generously donated 40,000 barrels of oil to the coast of Equestria.  
-Age 78, scientists explored every possible medical route in order to prolong Wage Cuts deteriorating life.  Workers rejoice upon hearing they were able to extend their employment ten years.
-Age 88, deal with the pony devil runs out; Wage Cut passes away.


A picture of the general housing provided for employees

        "Ah yes I remember old Wage Cuts," stated former classmate Powder Keg. "That stallion was so nice to his workers.  I remember one time, when I made a mistake with handling a new investment portfolio, Cuts was benevolent enough to only give me a few lashes and one week in the hole.  Without this job, I don’t know what I would do.  I don’t know if I can function... outside.  It’s warmer in the company...Safer...  Yes....”  At this point in the interview, Powder Keg stared off into space while rubbing his hooves together.  After a few loud noises made by our reporter, we were able to get his attention once again.  “Sorry, but I have to go back home; where I’m loved.” 

        Powder Keg was unable to comment further as he was being sent to gather more sandstone to erect a large pyramid in Wage Cuts honor.