//------------------------------// // Troll the Estia // Story: Wake up. See This. What do? (Comment driven story) // by RazortheAwesome //------------------------------// Ask her "Do you like waffles?" "Do you like waffles?" "Yea I like waffles." "Do you like pancakes?" "Yea I like Pancakes." "Do you like French Toast?" "The F*cks French Toast?" Ok you can't let Celestia try to one up ya on that "sniffing troll maneuver" so here is what you do. 1. Ask her "Do you like cake Celestia?" 2. If she answers yes then ask her "Do you eat cake on a daily basis?" 3. If she answers yes again then quickly say "Well it does show on you Princess." or "LOL, UR FAT!" If she can make fun of your traumatic experience then you have the right to make fun of her weight! YOUR INNER TROLL COMMANDS IT! NO REGRETS! Afterwards you should get back down to business and ask about just what the hell all this centaur bullshit is about. 1. Ask "So Princess... Do you like waffles?" 2. Attempt to troll Celestia. 3. Find amusement in what you have done. ask tia a paradoxical question ( yes or no question, is the next word you are about to say "no") beause we need to troll her back Get revenge for that troll. Also... try not to fall. "So... um..." You begin to say as Princess Celestia turns to look at you. "You do not need to be shy," she says to you in a sort of calming voice. "If there is something you wish to say, then by all means, say it." "All right," you respond, though still a little apprehensive. She may have just given you permission to speak as you will, but she is still royalty, so you know you better tread lightly. "Do you..." you try again. "Yes..." Celestia says as she leans in closer to you. She's not as close as when she tried to sniff you, but she is still close. "Do you... like waffles?" you finally ask her. She doesn't say anything for a few moments, presumably because her mind is still trying to process that strange question. After a few moments though, she just giggles a little bit and then leans back. "Why yes," she says as she leans back and looks into the sky as if she's reminiscing about the last time she ate them. "I love waffles." "Do you like pancakes?" you then ask her. "Yes, I like pancakes?" she responds again in that soothing voice of hers. "Do you like French Toast?" "Yes, I like French Toast." She seems more than pleased to answer your questions. "Do you like cake?" "Yes." You watch her shiver a little with glee as you ask that question. "I love cake." "Well it really shows on you." At that, she instantly turns to look at you again. The expression on her face is probably the most perfect poker face you had ever seen. You just smugly lean back in your chair (of which you seem to be the only one in a chair), throw your arm over the back, look back at her, and make the best impression of this face that you possible can. You also swear you can hear this music playing in the background for some reason. By Zeus the setup to that was perfect. You waited for several minutes, pretended like you were nervous so that she would notice when you tried to talk to her, and when you did, she took the bait, and then you delivered. Hook. Line. And sinker. IF SHE CAN MAKE FUN OF YOUR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE THEN BY ZEUS, ODIN, RA, AND ALL THE OTHER GODS YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF HER WEIGHT!!! Celestia just keeps staring back at you with that poker face of hers. You really can't read what she's thinking. Realize there are no seatbelts. Its at this point though, that you realize something. There are no seat belts in this carriage, and really, this chair was put here specifically for YOU... there is literally nothing stopping you from falling off..... and you just trolled the Princess of all of ponydom. ... ... ... ... ... ... 'OH MY GOD I JUST TROLLED THE PRINCESS OF ALL OF PONYDOM AND SHE CAN PUSH ME OFF THIS CART!!!' you scream at yourself mentally as you realize what you just did, momentarily forgetting that this is a carriage and not a cart. Yeah, she trolled you, but you know nothing about what kind of ruler she is. She could be the kind of person... pony who likes teasing but hates being teased back, she could be the kind of ruler who doesn't take anything from anybody (much less an alien) and YOU JUST MADE FUN OF HER!!! OH GOD, ZEUS, ODIN AND SOLID SNAKE WHY DIDN'T ANY OF THEM WARN YOU ABOUT THIS!!!??? You don't change your facial expression or show any of this outwardly, but mentally you are kind of freaking out right now. "Pffft," Celestia says as you keep looking at her. You watch as her face slowly twists and contorts as if she is trying to hold something back, and her lips keep growing into a smile. She looks as if she is trying to hold something back.... Something she fails at doing almost instantly as she bursts out laughing. She almost falls against the side of the carriage and leans her head over before she leans back in towards you. She then falls over on top of you and grabs her sides with her wings, all the while she won't stop laughing. You just stay absolutely still as you take off your troll face and just sit there. "Oh, you clever monkey," Celestia says as she sits back up and catches her breath, which is almost immediately looses again as she lets out another laugh, but then stops it before it goes any farther. "I can't believe I walked right into that." She then says to you as she tries to hold back even more laughs. Suddenly, this is all too much for you. You don't even bother trying to hold it back as you burst out laughing. Yeah, you got her good and she just admitted it. Seeing you laugh, Celestia starts laughing again too. You both fall on each other and keep laughing for several minutes. You are about to ask her something VERY important until you all turn to your left and see who else but the freaking Dovahkiin riding Odahving who also looks at you. You think you hear him say "I knew I should have taken that turn at Albuquerque." You thank the gods that nothing bad happened as you catch your breath and sit back up. As you do, off in the distance you see what you can only guess is a flying dragon. Upon closer inspection though, it appears to be a bit smaller.... and grey.... and metal.... and has propellers.... It's too far away to see clearly, but you watch it fly into the clouds and out of sight. You wonder for a moment where it's going. What's is you favorite fruit? "I saw in the paper that you like cake, what's your favorite kind?" "So Celestia," you say now that the mood is lightened and you have your breath back. "If you don't mind me asking. What's your favorite kind of cake?" "Oh, I like all kinds," Celestia says as she just finishes catching her breath as well. "But if I had to pick one. I'd probably say.... vanilla.... or strawberry... or strawberry vanilla." You notice her mouth start to water a little bit as she mentions that. You must have hit the mark with the cake there. "By the way, don't worry." She says as she leans in close to you. This time, she is right next to your ear again. "Weed is legal here in Equestria." At the exact moment those words hit your ear (as well as her breath), you freeze right where you are. You were worried about the smell this morning, but you didn't expect it to come back and bite you now. Besides, Lyra and Bon Bon assured you the smell was gone when you left. You remember that happening... did she... You slowly turn your head to look at her again. Celestia just looks back at you with a sort of smug grin on her face. You can swear that your face right now is a perfect carbon copy of hers when she was looking at you earlier. Seriously though. How could she possibly have known? "So, I hear you raise the sun huh? So is the world flat here or something? If not, how exactly does that work?" 2) When you raise the sun, aren't you technically causing the entirety of the solar system's gravity to be thrown off, causing random planets, asteroids and other cosmic objects to fly off into the various dark voids of space, thereby causing the deaths of several dozen species and destroying countless worlds? "So..." you say to try and change the subject. "I hear you raise the sun." "Yes," Celestia then replies as she puts her charming smile back on. "I am the princess of the sun. I raise it every morning." "If you don't mind me asking," you then say. "How exactly does that work? Is this world flat or something, and if not, aren't you technically causing the entirety of the solar system's gravity to be thrown off, causing random planets, asteroids, and other cosmic objects to fly into the various, dark corners of space, thereby causing the deaths of several dozen species and destroying countless worlds?" Celestia just giggles lightly at that, even though that was another attempt to troll her. Seriously though, you want to know how she is breaking so many laws of physics and space by making that work. "It is true that I raise the sun," she says. "But our solar system is not the same as yours." She then sits herself upright as if she is about to give a lecture. "You see, I am not actually moving the sun. Though I could if I wanted to. I'm actually just moving the planet around. You see, our planet revolves around our sun, but it doesn't rotate. It just stays perfectly still while it moves around the sun. So what I do is rotate the planet such that the days happen when they need to since the planet can't do it by itself." That explanation.... only raises A LOT more questions, but you're pretty sure you are going to hurt your brain if you try to press the issue anymore. You're not physicists. "Why do you go by princess instead of Queen?" Soooooo....... Princess huh? Did you inherit the title or what? Ask her about the history of Equestria. "Hey wait a minute," you say as you think about something that she said, and something that everyone said about her. "Why do you go by the title of princess instead of queen? Is your mother still around, and if so is she the queen?" "No, it's just me," Celestia calmly responds. "And go by the title of princess because... Well... unfortunately, there was a time in our history.... before I was ruler, that a queen ruled Equestria. In short, she was evil and enslaved her subjects, but all the ponies rose up and defeated her. It's not a good time in Equestria's history. So I go by the title of princess because its an easier title for my subjects to accept since it doesn't have any bad or evil connotations with it." You suppose you could understand that. If to these ponies, the term "queen" is the same as "evil" then you might want to take up a different title too. You suppose she didn't really inherit the title of that were the case, but you never know. Ask if there is anything valuable at the palace if yes ask about how tight the security is there you did promise Lyra something cool after all Part of you wants to ask if there is anything valuable in the palace and about how tight the security is there (since she is the sovereign ruler, you're guessing a lot). After all, you did promise Lyra something when you got back. However, you quickly think better of it. Asking such a question would be too suspicious. "How does your mane do that?" It's at this point that you notice her mane again. The same one you were infatuated with earlier. "How does..." you begin to say, but then stop. You try to figure out how to word this correctly. "How does your mane do that?" "Oh, my mane?" Celestia says as she looks at it for a moment. "It's just my mane. It just does." You don't say anything else in response. In truth, it's not really a pressing issue that you need solved RIGHT NOW!!! "Do you want to touch it?" Celestia then asks you as she looks at you with... an almost... disturbing look. "Umm.... sure," you reply as you reach out and touch it. You then slowly run your fingers through it. It feels soft. After that, you grab a handful and bring it closer so you can look at it. Despite it's rainbow appearance, it actually is a mane, surprisingly. celestia starts hitting on you and you become creeped out. in response to the forwardness you start running around the carriage like a headless chicken, screw the fact there is no seat belts or anything to keep you on the carriage. As you keep running your fingers through her hair, Celestia leans in closer again. "I love it when you comb my hair," she says to you in an almost (no, definitely NOT almost) erotic voice. It's at that point that you freeze up again. You want to just get up and run away, but then you realize something. She did this before... you know what she is doing. 7) If there are twelve eggs in a dozen, and thirteen muffins in a baker's dozen, how long will it take for me to seduce you, take you back to your bed chamber, make sweet heavenly, dare I say cosmic, love with you if I am riding a unicycle while trying to juggle six chainsaws, a puppy and for some reason Spike all while in the nude and singing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore backwards in Russian? Seeing her ruse, you lean in closer to her ear, and whisper back in the most erotic voice you can muster (which is pretty good actually). "If there are twelve eggs in a dozen, and thirteen muffins in a baker's dozen, how long will it take for me to seduce you, take you back to your bed chamber, make sweet heavenly, dare I say cosmic, love with you if I am riding a unicycle while trying to juggle six chainsaws, a puppy and for some reason Spike all while in the nude and singing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore backwards in Russian?" At that, she pulls her head back and looks at you confused, as if she is trying to contemplate what you just said. You, with some of her mane still in your hand, look back at her and attempt to imitate the smug grin she gave you earlier. So, um, Princess... have you ever thought about how uncomfortable testicles really are? "What," you say. "Haven't you ever thought about how uncomfortable testicles really are?" It's at that point that Celestia can no longer contain it, as she bursts out laughing again, as do you. "My my," Celestia says as she catches her breath. "If I didn't know any better. I'd say that you were getting some help in deciding what to say." "What can I say," you respond as you let go of her mane. "I just do what I do." "I bet you do," Celestia says as she leans in closer again. This time though, you are not deterred. Well there's a million and one things you could ask the royal pony princess... But let's cut to brass tacks. Ask her if she knows of a way to send you home, if it's possible, if that's even an option for you. So, now here comes the questions. If you're going to get any answers it's with the ruler of equestria and her student. 1.) Give your best smile and see if you could start up conversation 2.) Try to get serious here because this is were you try to change the subject so you can ask the important questions 3.) Ask how or if you can get home. Also... feeling a bit uncomfortable in this carriage, huh. I mean, this is the ruler of equestria, All pony kind, and the mare who tried to rape you. It's at this point that you notice that Twilight hasn't been participating much in this conversation. Or any conversation for that matter. You look back at her and notice that she has actually fallen asleep. You can't say that you're really surprised though, she looked pretty dead tired last night, you suppose she has a lot to make up for. You kind of have to admit though, she looks kind of adorable when sleeping soundly like that, though the fact that she isn't wearing that anti magic horn cover thing makes you a little worried. You look past that though, you shouldn't have anything to worry about now. With her like that though, you suppose its time to take this discussion with Celestia in a more serious direction. "So, Celestia," you say to her as you put on the best smile you can. "Yes, Jason," she replies. "Since you are the ruler of this land and Twilight's mentor. Do you... do you think you could tell me how I can get home?" At that, you watch the smile drop from her face. At the sight of that, you become a bit worried. "Can I even get home?" "I would..." Celestia begins to say, but then stops and takes a deep breath. "I would prefer it if we discussed this once we get to Canterlot." Her sudden change in attitude in the way she said that kind of worries you, but you suppose there is not much you can do about it now. You will get answers, you'll just have to be a bit more patient. -Meanwhile, in Cloudsdale- "Yo Hoops!" Dumbbell shouted as he walked over to where his friend was working, a rolled up poster tucked under his wing. "Check out what I just scored!" At that, his friend couldn't be any more curiouser. Hoops stopped working on whatever it was he was doing and flew down to see his friend. Dumbbell in turn, took out the poster from under his wing, unrolled it, and showed it to Hoops. "WOAH!" Hoops said as he got a look at the picture on the poster, his face reddening a little as he did. "Is that...?" "Yep," Dumbbell replied. "The one and only-" before he could even finish the next word of that sentence, a strong gust of wind came out of nowhere, snatched the poster from both of their hooves, and carried it off into the sky. "Wait!" Dumbbell shouted as he tried to catch it, but it was too late. "Well buck me," was all he could say. -Meanwhile, back with Jason- Spot Cloudsdale, wonder aloud how the heck that works... Then see Canterlot. Nevermind the fact that it can be seen from Ponyville, this is the first time you've seen it. Make mental note of where your jaw fell off. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flying poster hits you in the face. You quickly grab it and tear if off before it completely drives you nuts. You then hold it in front of you to see what's on it. It seems to be a post of a certain pegasus that you've never seen in some kind of erotic pose. You quickly throw the poster of the carriage before Celestia can see it and use it to troll you again, though the look on her face suggests that she has already seen it. You're about to say something, but right before you do, you notice what appear to be a bunch of large clouds that are all closer together. Upon closer inspection, you notice buildings on top of all of them. "How the fuck does that work?" you silently ask yourself before you look forward again, and that is when you see it. You see where the carriage is pulling you towards. You see the large castle and city built into the side of a large mountain. It's... kind of amazing. You take a quick note here to remember where your jaw fell when it dropped off of your face. Out of the corner of your eye you notice that Celestia still has that smug grin on her face. The carriage then gets pulled into the city and throughout it. It looks kind of amazing. Flying over a city like this in a carriage being pulled by a bunch of pegasai. This place kind of reminds you of Kings Landing from Game of Thrones, only much cleaner and with hopefully less corrupt politicians. It's at that point that you see even more directly just where this carriage is pulling you as you spot the large castle in front of you. Now you've seen everything. This is a genuine god damned castle. A real deal, like in medieval times (though much more extravagant), or in Lord of the Rings or Narnia, a real god damn castle. As you stare in awe for a few more moments, you eventually land on some kind of platform at the edge of the castle above the streets. "Twilight," Celestia says as she leans in closer to Twilight and nudges against her just like a mother would. "Twilight wake up now. We're here." The way she's talking to her is also quite motherly. You then watch Twilight let out a groan for a moment before she yawns and slowly opens her eyes. She doesn't say anything, but instead just smiles at Princess Celestia as she looks directly at her. You don't say or do anything to get her attention. You just let her be. With Twilight up, Celestia then steps out of the carriage. Twilight does as well, though the way she gets out is more of a hop than a step. You get out the other side and walk around towards them. "Hi Twilight," you politely say to her as you walk around next to her. "Hi..." is all she says back to you. Celestia, who is on the other side of her, just smiles back at you at your kind gesture. Given all she's done, its a miracle you can be kind to her at all. You just keep your smile on and look back at her from Twilight Sparkle. Finally, you'll get something done now. With both Celestia and Twilight here, you're certain you'll get back home in no time. "Princess Celestia," another voice suddenly says, this one male. The three of you look forward to see two other ponies at the entrance to the palace. One was a tall, unicorn stallion with a dark, brown coat and a black, slicked back mane. He wore some kind of nice dark suit with a blue tie. He seemed kind of familiar. The other was a light blue unicorn mare that wore some kind of secretary's outfit. "Risen Flag," Celestia replied as the three of you walked over to him. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" At that, the two ponies stood back up again, and the identity of this stallion hit you like a brick to the face. He was the politician you saw in the newspaper earlier. "The pleasure is all mine, as always your majesty," Risen says as he looks up at her. Celestia seemed a bit flattered by what he said. "We heard you had left for Ponyville this morning, so we-" At that, he suddenly stopped and looked up at you. Granted, you've gotten used to the surprised looks that these ponies give you when you meet them, after all, you'd have pretty much the same expression on your face if you met an alien, but this was different. He seemed shocked, almost surprised to see you. As if he had been expecting something, but you standing there was the last thing he expected to see. That was just it, surprise and shock. Not confusion and the 'what the fuck am I looking at' expression you had seen on these ponies before. The mare next to him looked a little confused, and more or less had the same expression that you'd gotten used when other ponies first saw you. "Oh, where are my manners," Celestia says as if she didn't even notice the look he was giving you. "Jason, Twilight, Risen Flag. Risen Flag, Jason, Twilight. Risen Flag is a new senator in the Equestrian government." "Nice to meet you," you say to him as politely as you can as you hold out a hand. If Celestia knew this person, it only made sense the treat him politely. "Its a..." he began to say as he lifted up his hoof to shake your hand, but then he stopped, almost as if he had forgotten what he wanted to say. Then, as your hand touched his hoof, he silently coughed to himself "pleasure..." he almost seemed to force that word out of his mouth. "to make your acquaintance." As you shook his hoof, the look he gave you was one he couldn't place. It was like he was trying to keep his polite face on, but found it incredibly difficult to do so. Incredibly... difficult. The look in his eyes somehow betrayed everything his face was saying. You swear, this guy's picture in the paper was a little creepy, but meeting him in person is another thing entirely. You're not sure why, but he just bothers you for some reason. "So Risen," Celestia said as you let go of his hoof. He seemed to place it on the ground quickly the second you let go of it. "Why are you here to greet us?" "We just wanted to be here when you returned," Risen said as he turned his attention back to Celestia. All the tension between the two of you suddenly gone as quickly as it had arrived. "After all," he then said. "It's not often one gets to meet an element of harmony, much less the element of magic." He then brought his attention to the mare in between the two of you. "The famous Twilight Sparkle, I presume." Both you and Celestia remain quiet so that Twilight can respond herself, but strangely enough, she doesn't. You look down at her and notice something. The look on her face, it's not one you think you've ever seen on her before. To put it bluntly, she looks absolutely terrified. She just stands there perfectly still, though she is clearly shaking. Her mouth his hanging open, and her eyes have shrunken down to the point where you doubt that there even are eyes there. She seems like she's trying to speak, but right now she can't say anything. It was as if she were staring at the most horrifying thing she could imagine. Risen Flag just tiled his head to the side a little, as if he was confused. You had to admit, this confused you too, you'd never seen Twilight act like this before. You then watch as Twilight slowly starts to lift her hoof off of the ground as if to point, but it seems like its taking all of her effort to even lift it. That, and the combination of her shaking only made it look like she was moving as slowly possible. Confused, you then look back at Risen Flag, who is just looking at her the same as he always did. Then, suddenly, you aren't quite sure, but you think you see the world flash white for a moment. Flag doesn't move, he doesn't even blink, and neither do you or Celestia, but you think you see everything go white for a moment. You're not entirely sure if you just imagined that, but it doesn't matter, as the moment it was over, Twilight suddenly passed out and fell right on you. Acting quickly, you turn and catch her right before she hits the ground. "Twilight," you say to her, confused. She was sound asleep. "Oh my," Risen Flag said as he stepped a bit closer to look at her, seemingly concerned. "Is she all right?" "She's all right," Celestia says as she suddenly envelops Twilight in her magical glow, picks her up, and places her on her back. "She's just... been going through a really difficult time, and just needs to unwind for a while." "I see," Risen Flag says. He steps away from you the moment you stand up. "Well, make sure she gets plenty of rest then." "I will," Celestia says to him. "It was good seeing you Risen." "Oh no, remember, the pleasure was all mine," Risen Flag says as he bows his head slightly again. With that, both you and Celestia head inside. Right as you walk past Risen Flag though, out of the corner of your eye, you notice him glaring daggers at you. It was a look that practically screamed "die" in every language possible. You just put it in the back of your mind for now as you follow Celestia and her guards through the palace. -A few twists and turns through the palace later- Eventually, the two of you reach a large bedroom where Celestia puts Twilight Sparkle into the bed and tucks her in, again, just like how a mother would. "Tell me when she awakens," she tells her guards as she walks back out of the room. You're just standing there at the entrance waiting for her. "YES YOUR MAJESTY!" all the guards shout in unison as they are given their command. She then leaves and closes the door behind her. With that done, she then heads down the hall you came from. You follow her, since you don't know what else to do right now. Twilight Sparkle is asleep and all of your friends are in Ponyville, so right now Celestia is the only thing here you can call a friend right now. "If you'd like," Celestia says as the two of you walk through the corridors of the palace. "I can give you the grand tour." That does sound a bit interesting right now. "Or, if you'd prefer, we can go straight to my royal chambers and discuss what we came here to. Whichever works for you." Well, this is interesting, she is giving you a choice of what you want to do. You can either: A.) Take a tour of the palace with Celestia as your guide. (note: If you go with this option, you might run into some pretty neat stuff you can swipe for Lyra, also there is a pretty high change of meeting Princess Luna. Also if you pick this option, please also say where in the palace you would like them to go. This is the same as the tour of Ponyville situation basically.) or B.) Go straight to the audience chamber and discuss what you came here for, namely you getting home. Which choice do you take? What do you do?