//------------------------------// // Applejack: Sister, Farmer, Brother-Keeper // Story: My Average Sized Human // by The Sage of Toads //------------------------------// Disclaimer: I laugh in the face of the man who wrote “Cupcakes”. My Average Sized Human Applejack: Sister, Farmer, Brother-Keeper Equestria Daily said to write a chapter not lifted from an episode? Challenge Accepted [3.] - - - Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that not only can having friends give you avenues by which to save the world, but also to have fun, enjoy yourself, and make even more friends. As well as a few... Other benefits. Especially when your friends have such industrious, hard working and pleasant family members. “Hnn...” Big Macintosh was hard at work as usual, taking up bales of hay as big across as he was tall and tossing them into a wagon. Sweat was flowing down the sides of his muscled neck, down his partially opened flannel shirt to his chiseled chest, and his shoulders bulged in a pleasing manner to anyone who happened to be watching. Namely, Twilight Sparkle. “Oh yes,” she hissed, leaning forward on the fence she was spy...Er... Observing from. A blush stained her cheeks and she resisted the urge to hold her hands to her cheeks. “This is so hot.” Hiis strength, his intensity, it hit just about every primal instinct that the studious and borderline-OCD Twilight worked hard to keep in check, and she absolutely loved it. Big Macintosh, oblivious to his audience, reached up to wipe the sweat from his brow, and Twilight practically moaned. “Oh yes, now just take off your shirt and make my day perfect.” “So, whatcha doin’?” A familiar voice asked right next to her ear. Twilight recoiled from Pinkie Pie, who was also leaning against the fence, and caught herself from falling down. She waved frantically at the new arrival. “N-nothing! I wasn’t ogling Big Macintosh! I was just on my way to visit Applejack!” Pinkie Pie blinked, and then pouted. “Aw! I thought I could have an ogle buddy for today! But if you’re not ogling Big Mac, I guess I’ll have to do it by myself.” She leaned forward on the fence, resting her elbows on it and her chin on her hands. She sighed dreamily as she watched Big Mac hard at work, leaving Twilight Sparkle to stare at the pink haired Earth girl. “I... Wait, you’re just going to ogle him? Like that? D-Don’t you have any shame?” Twilight demanded. “Nope!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She looked over at Twilight and winked. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” Twilight stared for a moment, before she copied Pinkie Pie’s stance on the fence and sighed happily. Pinkie Pie smiled warmly. “How does he do it,” Twilight asked, “How can someone get away with being so sexy? It’s got to be illegal to be that hot.” “Ohhh, if it is illegal, I hope it’s also illegal to spy on something that illegally hot so we can all be in illegally sexy jail together!” Pinkie Pie sighed. Twilight then imagined something sexy and prison related, and her face turned entirely red. “Y-yeah, me too...” “It’d be even better if he didn’t wear his shirt,” Pinkie sighed. She huffed and glared at the clouds overhead. “It’s just not hot enough, but he’s so sweaty...!” “Please, for the love of Celestia, take it off!” Twilight cried, a lot louder than she intended. She covered her mouth, but Big Macintosh was already looking in their direction. “Hm? Oh, mornin’ ladies,” Big Macintosh said, reaching up to tip a non-existent hat. “What can I do fer you?” Pinkie Pie stood up with a bright and cheerful smile. “Oh! Twilight Sparkle was just wondering why you wouldn’t take off your-MMPH!” Twilight covered Pinkie Pie’s mouth and giggled nervously and loudly at Big Macintosh. “Ah, eheheheheh! We’re just going to see Applejack nice to see you BYE!” She dragged Pinkie off, leaving Big Macintosh to stare after them in some bemusement. He shook his head, smiled, and resumed his loading duties. - - - - “MMPH! MMNGLE PHWP!” Pinkie cried through Twilight’s hand. The purple-haired student had pulled Pinkie all the way to the south fields of Sweet Apple Acres, and finally relented in releasing her. “What did you say?” Twilight asked. “I said, ‘MMPH! MMNGLE PHWP!’” Pinkie Pie repeated. Twilight facepalmed, though she made sure it was with the hand that hadn’t been gagging her friend. “Pinkie, how could you?” “What? Come on, I was trying to help!” Pinkie Pie said. Twilight huffed. “I don’t need help with Big Macintosh... I’m a grown woman, I’ve saved the world! I can handle anything thrown at me! I don’t want him to get a poor first impression of me by being caught ogling him. It’d look bad when I finally ask him out on a date.” “Hold on, you actually want to date him?” Pinkie Pie asked, surprised. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, I’m not going to just stare at him all day!” “Um...Twilight, I don’t think you’ll be able to.” “What, you think I can’t?” Twilight smiled and tapped the side of her head. “I’ve read plenty of books on romance and romantic engagement, I’ve got it all down!” “Well, um... I hate to burst your bubble, Twilight, but that’s not your biggest hurdle to asking out Big Macintosh,” Pinkie Pie said. Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Oh? What is?” Pinkie Pie turned Twilight around, and pointed at a small grove of apple trees. “She is.” “HUP!” Applejack applied a powerful kick to a tree, bucking every apple in it out and into the barrels waiting below. She smiled confidently, and wiped her forehead free of sweat. Twilight looked over at Pinkie Pie in curiosity. “Applejack?” “She’s really, really, really overprotective,” Pinkie Pie said, gripping Twilight’s arm. “I mean, seriously.” “Oh come on, how overprotective could she be?” Twilight asked with a smile, trying to sound quite reasonable. Pinkie Pie then sighed, and held the back of her wrist to her forehead. “Oh, my dear Twilight Sparkle...” For a moment, her hair went flat and her entire appearance seemed darker and muted. She stared gravely at Twilight, who twitched a bit in discomfort. “You have no idea,” Pinkie Pie said in a grave voice that signalled nothing but doom and despair. She then smiled and her hair poofed back into it’s normal wild craziness. Her color returned too as she grasped Pinkie Pie’s hand. “So let’s go talk to the people who do! PINKIE PIE AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AWAYYY!” “Wah!” - - - - - - Rarity was working at her sewing machine, listening to Twilight and Pinkie Pie as they filled her in on the morning so far. Twilight went to go ogle Big Macintosh as she often did, Pinkie Pie surprised her, as she often did, and then the subject of Applejack and her overprotectiveness of Big Mactintosh came up. She finally looked up from her machine towards Twilight and Pinkie Pie as the latter came to the end of her dialogue on the farm. “... So I said, ‘You have no idea, like this,” Pinkie Pie explained. She then smiled. “And then I thought I would ask you Rarity! Tell Twilight about what Applejack did when you tried to jump Big Macintosh!” “What?!” Twilight gasped. “Oh come now, dear, a man that handsome will have any lady after him. I’m no exception.” Rarity sighed dramatically. “But I digress, when I tried to make a move on Big Macintosh, Applejack wasn’t pleased at all, and she gave me quite a bit of lip about it.” She then looked back to her work. “But honestly it’s nothing compared to what she did to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie for their antics beforehand.” “And what did you and Dash do?” Twilight asked. Pinkie Pie sighed, grabbed Twilight’s hand, and yanked her out of the boutique. “Ah?! WAH! PINKIEEEE!” Twilight cried. Rarity watched them go, and then huffed in amusement. “Silly girls.” - - - - - - Their next jaunt brought them to Rainbow Dash’s home, which was a cloud castle floating above the valley floor within sight of the Apple farm. Pinkie Pie took a deep breath and yelled. “RAINBOW DASH! COME DOWN AND TALK ABOUT HOW APPLEJACK REACTED WHEN WE TRIED TO SEDUCE BIG MAC!” “Pinkie!” Twilight gasped. “Anyone could hear you!” “Yeah, but it’s a lot faster to just yell the reason for her to come down,” Pinkie said cheerfully. Down came Dash, zipping out of her castle on high like a rainbow-colored streak, only slowing down to lick the top of Twilight’s horn as she passed over her. “What now?” “EEP!” Cried Twilight, covering her horn with her hand. She blushed and scowled. “I thought you’d have heard. Pinkie was certainly loud enough...” “Yep! I’m big on both sides of my chest!” Pinkie Pie said proudly, gesturing to her breasts with a bright smile. “You got that right.” Rainbow Dash performed a loop and landed on her feet. “So you want to know what happened when we tried to hook up with Big Macintosh?” “Well yeah, you guys all act like she flew off the handle or something,” Twilight said. Pinkie Pie trembled, and glomped onto Dash’s waist. “Oh... It was worse than that,” Pinkie Pie said with a tremble in her voice. She leaned her head to rest on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement, as she stroked Pinkie Pie’s side. “All we did was try to ask Applejack permission to bang him, and sure we got just a little carried away, but she didn’t need to do all of that!” “Well, what did she do?” Twilight asked curiously, as she gripped at the sleeve of her jacket. Pinkie Pie answered that. “She beat the crap out of us, that’s what!” “What?! Applejack?!” Twilight gasped. “You can’t be serious!” “I’m not Sirius, I’m Pinkie Pie! Oh, right, I am serious!” Pinkie Pie insisted. Rainbow Dash nodded. “She just hauled off on us, and beat me over the head with Pinkie Pie. We were at Red Heart’s Clinic for hours after!” “But-But how? Why?” Twilight gasped. “I dunno! She’s just really overprotective of him.” Pinkie Pie made to grab Twilight’s arm, but Twilight was able to stay out of range. “I-I think I get the idea,” she said. She sighed. “Well great... How am I supposed to date Big Macintosh if Applejack would prevent me from... From...” Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Of course!” “Of course!” Pinkie Pie cheered. “We sex up Applejack first, then her brother!” She turned to Dash and laughed. “It was so obvious!” “Oh man, that might actually work!” Twilight stared at the two of them, incredulous. “Uh, I was actually just thinking of getting on Applejack’s good side, and then asking her for permission.” “Oh! Well, that works too! In fact, we can modify my idea to work with yours!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. “Getting on her good side with sex!” “Is there anything else you two think about besides that?” Twilight asked, exasperated. “Sure we do! But it just kind of naturally comes up in this situation,” Pinkie explained. Rainbow Dash agreed. “Speaking of, it’s been like two months since I’ve gotten any play, you know?” Twilight sighed. “Well then you two go make out or whatever, I need to go plot on how to get on Applejack’s good side.” At that, Rainbow Dash grinned and squeezed Pinkie Pie affectionately. “Well there’s an idea!” “I love it!” She flopped into Dash’s arms and held an arm dramatically over her face. “Carry me away and ravish me like some... Flying... Ravisher!” She looked over at Twilight. “Hey Twilight, can you set the mood a little? I mean, you write erotic stories right?” Her face solid red, Twilight shook her head. “What are you talking about, I don’t write erotica, that’s crazy, you’re crazy! J-Just go and screw somewhere! I have to go make plans!” She turned and ran for her life. And hide all of my fanfiction! Rainbow Dash watched her go and shrugged her shoulders. “Ah well,” She grinned at Pinkie Pie and held her closer, “More Pie for me.” With that, she took off straight for someplace a little cozier for sloppy winged-girl on earth-girl makeouts. - - - - - - It was going to be perfect, Twilight decided to herself. With her fool-proof plan, she’d be asking Big Macintosh out on a date with Applejack’s overwhelming seal of approval. Racing past the front entrance to the orchard, she all but charged down the path to the humble farmhouse, looking around for wherever the down-to-earth Earth Folk could be. Out the corner of her eye, she thought she spotted Applejack, but realized it was just her younger sister Applebloom. That moment of distraction cost her dearly, as she ran right into Big Macintosh. “Oof!” Twilight fell onto her back, but quickly sat up. “Ow...who put that wall there?” “Everything okay, Miss Twilight? You seem to be in a hurry.” At his voice, Twilight snapped her gaze upward, and blushed. He was looking down at her, part concerned and part confused. “You came tearin’ down the path like your hair was on fire.” Twilight raised her hands and shook her head. “Oh no, no! I’m fine, I was just looking for Applejack, that’s all.” She giggled nervously. “Well, she just came back from finishin’ her buckin’, so ah reckon she’s up in her room.” Big Macintosh looked over towards the second floor of the old farm house, and pointed out one window in particular. Twilight brought her hands to her temples as her horn began to glow. “I already have a fix on her, thanks Big Macintosh!” Before Big Macintosh could get another word in edge-wise, Twilight disappeared in a flash of light, surprising him. Bringing a hand up to the back of his head, he looked up towards the house again, and shook his head. Never did he see anyfolk in such a hurry to see Jack. An instant after she teleported out, Twilight appeared in Applejack’s room. “Hey Applejack, I wanted to ask if you-!” “WHAT IN TARNATION?!” Applejack’s scream was deafeningly loud in the small bathroom. Or more specifically, the small shower stall that Twilight now occupied with her. It was kind of odd the thoughts that entered your mind before you realized you had teleported into your friend’s shower while she was completely naked. Like the fact she was tanned all over. Then, reality caught up. “OH MY GOSH I’M SORRY!” In the scramble that followed, Twilight nearly shattered the glass of the shower stall as she shoved the door open, and landed with a thump on the bathroom floor, a moderately drenched heap. Applejack, who had been shoving Twilight out, fell with a squawk and landed on the horned girl’s back, causing her to let out a yelp of pain. For a brief moment they laid there, with the only sound being the shower running, before Applejack spoke. “Sugarcube, why’d you teleport into the shower with me?” “I uh, I didn’t know it was your shower,” Twilight mumbled, her cheeks bright red. “I just teleported to where you were.” “Right.” Applejack got up, and leaned into the stall to turn off the shower before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around herself. “What’s your big hurry, anyhow?” “Um, er, uh,” Twilight intelligently responded. “I mean uh... That is...!” She was so flustered she’d quite forgotten what she had teleported in for. This is worse than that time with the Princess...! Before she could babble further, Twilight lightly punched herself in the side of the head, and hopped back onto her train of thought. “Oh, well it’s a slow day at the library because it’s so nice out, so I decided I’d come help you out around the orchard today!” “Uh huh,” Applejack said dryly, pulling her towel more closely around herself. “Well thank you kindly, Twilight, but ah don’t need help in the orchard today.” “Well, do you need help with anything today? I mean, I’m free all day. Spike’s back in Camelot to help Princess Celestia with getting Princess Luna acclimated, Rarity’s working, Fluttershy had errands to go on, and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are off making out somewhere.” Twilight stopped cold at that, and buried her face in her palm. That... was a little too much info. Applejack seemed to take it in stride. “Well, they tend to do that,” she said with a wry tone. She sighed, and thought things over. “Tell you what... Ah might need some help with the cart out in the marketplace today. If you really want to help, you can join me there.” Twilight beamed, and got up to her feet. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ll be downstairs waiting!” She gave Applejack a surprisingly tight hug, and then vanished, giddy that her plan was now in motion. Applejack meanwhile stared after Twilight and shook her head, blowing a breath through her lips in bemusement. - - - - - - Some time later Applejack headed into the town square, pulling the family Apple cart into the marketplace proper. Twilight walked alongside, trying not to look too eager. Applejack brought it to a stop in what Twilight assumed was it’s usual location, and locked the wheels in place. She then pulled on her apron. She smiled as she did a last check of all her wares, and turned around to look out on the crowds of shopping Folk. “Come one, come all! We’ve got fritters, pies, tarts, muffins, and of course the old classic,” she held up an apple in her hand with a bright smile, “in several lovely varieties, all to suit your individual palate!” Having a wide vocabulary did offer benefits when it came to selling. However, were it to ever be revealed, Rarity however would go into “etiquette teacher’ mode and she’d never hear the end of it. Already, Applejack was looking a bit warily at Twilight. Twilight inwardly congratulated herself on her sneakiness. By showing Applejack that she was a hard worker and quite helpful, it’d be easy as Pinkie Pie to get her permission to approach Big Macintosh. Wait, easy as Pinkie Pie? Oh dear, she’d have to apologize to Pinkie Pie for thinking that later. “Hey Twilight... You ever sell anything before?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow. She wasn’t ungrateful but she was a little curious. Maybe suspicious, but not overtly so. It just seemed a little unusual. On the other hand, Applejack reminded herself that Twilight was from the city. It was only natural of her to be curious about their lives, right? “I once sold cookies for the Filly Scouts when I was younger, it can’t be much more different, can it?” “Well, fair enough,” Applejack allowed. “Grab an apron and keep an eye out.” “Okay!” Twilight put on an apron and stands next to Applejack, looking bright eyed and eager to make the sale. Maybe a little too eager? She had no time to throttle it when two potential customers approached. A tall, handsome Earth Folk in a brown suit, brown jacket and sneakers walked by, a blonde female Winged Folk with gray wings accompanying him. The blonde had two very distinctive features-Her bosom, which was quite healthy, and her eyes, which were pointing in opposite directions. The Earth man was excitedly talking about something and the Winged girl was eagerly listening to every word. “So anyway, the whole thing was made of candy. Candy, can you believe it? It came to life and tried to eat me!” “Sounds like some kind of bizarre political allegory!” The blonde said cheerfully. “If it was, I got the feeling it wasn’t very good.” “Good tasting or good allegory?” The blonde asked curiously. The man grimaced and rubbed his stomach. “Both.” “Hi!” Twilight said cheerfully as she teleported herself in front of them. “Ah, hi,” the man said, looking a bit startled. The blonde smiled broadly. “Hello!” “Would you be interested in purchasing some Sweet Apple Acres pastries and/or confections? They’re super delicious!” Twilight pitched. “Well, we do have somewhere to-” The blonde began. “In fact, according to 9 out of 10 Earth and Winged folk between the ages of 16 and 32, Sweet Apple Acres’ pastries are considered 30 percent more satisfying to eat than most other brands!” Twilight continued. “Well, I’m a bit older than that so it doesn’t really apply,” the man said, trying to move past with a polite smile. Twilight, however, barred their way “Well, according to my graph, as can be seen here with the purple line, those who do enjoy pastries from Sweet Apple Acres are likelier to have a more positive outlook and be at least 20 percent happier than those who don’t.” “Really? Twenty percent?” The blonde asked cheerfully. “Hm, is that of just a general level of happiness or of my own personal level of happiness, because that tends to vary!” Applejack cleared her throat, somewhat significantly. Twilight didn’t seem to notice. “Well, this pie graph, the crumb-top apple is really good by the way, shows that there’s a marked increase in general happiness, idiosyncratic happiness, and the happiness of all related parties involved in the sale and purchase of the pastries!” “How existential!” The wall-eyed blonde said. “Ah... Listen, will you let us go if we buy some?” The man asked, a tiny hint of desperation in his voice. “Well, how much do you intend to buy?” Ah, just like her Filly Scout days. Celestia would be proud. Applejack grabbed Twilight’s shoulders from behind and managed a slightly forced smile at the couple. “Ah, eheheheh... Why don’t you just take these free samples, Doctor, Miss Derpy?” She handed them some fritters. Derpy frowned. “Well, I wouldn’t mind some bananas too-” “She loves them, goodbye!” The Doctor said, yanking Derpy with him as they headed down the street. Applejack sighed, and turned Twilight around. She gave the shorter girl a hard look. Twilight pouted a little. “Just a little more pressure and I would’ve had that sale.” “Right, sugarcube? Ah don’t normally go for high pressure sales, the customers don’t neither. Why don’t we just take it easy, ah’ll show you how to make a proper pitch and then ah reckon we’ll take it from there, alright?” At that, Twilight acquiesced, and hiked her shoulders. “I’m really sorry, I won’t mess up next time, I swear.” She smiled. “This is kind of fun though.” “Yeah, but it weren’t too fun for them,” Applejack reminded her candidly. She frowned suspiciously. “And how did you get all them charts anyway?” “You know, these summer days are so slow at the library, I just have so much free time and--oh look, another potential customer!” Twilight grabbed Applejack this time and dragged her back to the cart. “Well, howdy!” “Uh, howdy,” the man in tennis gear and sporting a rather ravishing beard said. “I was just looking-” “For apples, right? They’re extremely healthy, you know! Full of fructose and fibers and with a bit of magical infusion, all of the nutrients required for you to live!” Applejack stopped. “Wait, what.” “Indeed! All presented in a small, delicious package!” Twilight said brightly. The man frowned. “I was under the impression Sweet Apple Acres Apples were all grown without magic.” “Well they are, but I have this new patent pending method of using magic to remove nutrients from compost and infuse them into the apples-” Twilight began, but the man covered his mouth and ran off. Twilight coughed, and looked over at Applejack with an apologetic smile. “Um... Too much information?” “To say the least,” Applejack said wryly. Twilight pleaded. “Ooh, give me another chance, I swear I’ll get it right this time! I will sell...” She looked around and picked up a green apple. “This single apple!” “Uh huh,” Applejack said skeptically. She sighed, and shrugged. “All right! Go for it. First thing t’ remember though is-” “The customer’s always right?” Twilight asked. Applejack blinked. “Uh, no-” “Unfettered capitalism is as bad as a socialist tyranny?” “Wha-No!” “Then what?” Twilight asked. Applejack closed her eyes, and counted to ten. She then reopened them. “Don’t come on too strong! Right now, yer actin’ like a drunken prom date just before she gets blood dumped on her head.” Applejack developed a far away look. “And then the shutters close and the whole place catches fire...” “Uh, Applejack?” Twilight asked, waving a hand in Applejack’s face. The farmer shook her head and coughed, a bit embarrassed. “Ah, sorry Twilight. Anyway, just be nice, polite, and friendly,” Applejack emphasized. “Friendly.” “Right, friendly,” Twilight said. Friendly! She could do friendly. She had figured out how to use the Elements of Harmony and unleash the Magic of Friendship! The next customer was a younger child, around nine or ten tops, and he was stroking his chin as though he had a beard, while contemplating his next purchase. A child, this would be easy! Twilight leaned over. “Hey there, is there anything you’d like to try?” The young lad, an Earth Folk, looked up at Twilight. “Well, I’ve never tried any of these before. My family just moved here from Nottingham, it’s my first day out exploring in Sunnyville.” Twilight smiled. “Well, aren’t you in luck. I’m new here, myself.” The boy beamed. “You’re new too?” “I’ve only been here a couple of weeks, but you know what?” At the boy’s inquisitive “What?” Twilight giggled. “I’ve never been happier to be anywhere else, the folk are really nice, and the food is pretty good too.” Twilight then had an idea, and she reached into her pocket. After fishing around for some money, she handed it to Applejack and then gave the boy an apple pie. “Consider it a welcome gift, and expect a big party soon.” The boy graciously took the pie, and breathed in the aroma. “Wow! This smells delicious, thank you Miss!” “Oh please, we’re neighbors now aren’t we? Call me Twilight, Twilight Sparkle.” “Okay, Miss Twilight! My name’s Pip, thank you for the pie!” Waving to her quickly, and then taking hold of the pie, the young boy turned and headed off, with a big smile on his face and a skip in his step. Folding her arms, Twilight let out a pleased hum. “Well now, how about that?” Applejack asked with a smile. She patted Twilight on the back-A bit too hard, she nearly sent the slight girl toppling. “Great work!” “Gah! Heheh...see? I can do friendly, just fine!” Twilight replied as she stood upright again. She smiled broadly. “And uh, other kinds of relationships too.” Twilight hoped she wasn’t being too subtle, but if she dropped hints like this gradually it might help Applejack warm up to the idea without bringing up the actual idea. “Uh... Right,” Applejack said, blinking rapidly. “Well... Let’s finish up here. Then ah can get home.” “Sure thing!” Twilight said cheerfully. - - - - - - Some time later, Applejack was back at the farmhouse, stacking the golden bits in neat piles and tallying up the profits. “Lessee... Subtract from the profits the following... Repairs, seed, fertilizer,” she muttered to herself, scribbling down the sums on a notepad. She looked at the ceiling and frowned. “Do ah need to count the repairs to the house as different from those on the barn...?” Big Macintosh walked into the kitchen, past Applejack and for the fridge. Opening it, he pulled out a bottle of milk, and without thinking, began drinking straight from it. “Hey!” Applejack growled. “What in tarnation are you doin’? Put that back right now! And wipe it off!” “Dangit...” Big Macintosh wiped off the bottle and put it back. He thought he could be slick, and failed. “Ah didn’t want to dirty a glass.” “Well yer drinkin’ all the milk and that ain’t cheap!” She looked back at the sums and scratched her head. “Shucks... Ah can’t make heads nor tails of all this.” She sighed and stood up. “Here, do somethin’ useful, will ya?” Applejack handed the pencil to Big Mac. Big Macintosh nodded and sat down. He took a look at the numbers and let out a pleased hum. “Did a lot better than usual, did Miss Twilight work out?” Applejack hummed, and then nodded. “Ah reckon she pulled her weight, in fact she did pretty good for a first timer.” “Y’know, seein’ how Miss Twilight is handy with the books, maybe you should be askin’ her to help out with the numbers.” Not that he couldn’t do it, in fact Big Macintosh more often than not handled tallying the expenses and even did the taxes. He’d just rather not. “Well, ah suppose ah could ask her to. But...” “But?” “Well,” Applejack looked a bit uncomfortable. “The thing is... She’s been actin’ kind of weird around me lately.” At Big Macintosh’s uncomprehending look, Applejack sighed. “Ah mean like she’s... Interested.” “What, in you?” Big Macintosh’s eyes grew a little big at that, in surprise. “Yeah, me,” Applejack admitted, with a tiny blush on her cheeks. “Ah mean, she teleported in mah shower, she was so eager to please me...” She sighed. “Frankly it’s a little embarrassing...” After processing that for a brief moment, Big Macintosh put on a small smile, and sat back in his chair. “Well, now that you mention it, she’s been comin’ round these parts often as of late. Whenever ah run into her, she right off claims to be seein’ you.” “Oh no,” Applejack sighed, holding a hand up to her forehead. “Not again...!” At her brother’s look she held her hands up in appeasement. “Ah mean, I like her just fine! Ah really do! But ah’m not... Ah can’t really...” “Yer not as unfastidious as say Pinkie Pie, or Rainbow Dash, or Fluttershy after a few drinks.” “Ah am not havin’ this conversation with you, ah am not,” Applejack grumbled. Big Macintosh chuckled, his green eyes narrowed with a hint of mirth. “Jack, ah reckon you gotta sit down with Miss Twilight, and sort these ol’ feelings of hers out before you end up hurting yourself. You’re an honest gal, just stick to that strength.” “Little more difficult than it sounds, thank you,” Applejack huffed. “She ain’t like Rainbow Dash, you know. She’s never had friends before! Bet she’s never even had a boyfriend.” She sighed. “Gotta take care of this properly, and set her down nice and easy...” There was the flash of a teleportation spell, and Applejack found her arms moving to cover her extremities despite the fact she was clothed. She dropped her arms and scowled. “Twilight!” “Ah, sorry! Sorry!” Twilight said, holding her hands up. “I am getting better with my aim though, right?” “Eeyup. What brings you here?” Big Macintosh asked. “Oh! Well, um...” Twilight grew shy as she sidled closer to Applejack. “I accidentally took the apron Applejack let me use, and um...I thought I’d bring it back.” “Uhh... Thank you,” Applejack said with one eyebrow raised. She took the apron and scooted a bit away. “I’m gonna go... Move the pigs to the other pen.” Applejack turned and headed out the door, letting the screen door slam shut behind her. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but she really didn’t want to deal with Twilight at the moment. She walked to the pen where the pigs were happily wallowing in mud. She opened the pen gate and stomped her foot. “Come on now, all of you! Out, let’s go!” Letting out snorts and oinks, the pigs obediently made their way out of the pen. Applejack herded them to the pen downhill, where the water pooled better and thus their wallow was far muddier. She opened the pen and urged them inside. One, however, was stubborn and stood at the entrance to the pen but went no further. “Oh come on, Beatrice! Get in!” Applejack ordered. The pig snorted and turned up her nose. Applejack smirked. “All right, if that’s how you wanna play it,” she said. She grabbed the pig and hefted her up. She carried her into the pen, and set her down in the mud. Applejack nodded to the pig, who looked up defiantly. “Now ah told you what would happen, didn’t I? Now yer gonna be mocked by the rest of ‘em and it serves you right for-” Twilight then appeared, the horned folk now actually five feet above Applejack. “Hey Applejack, Big Macintosh asked me to look at that paperwork and-AHHH!” Splat! Applejack groaned as Beatrice triumphantly squealed and trotted off. She opened her eyes, and saw she was now staring into the mud splattered face of Twilight Sparkle. Who was lying prostrate on top of her. “Hey Sis, ah need yer signature fer...” Both young women looked up at Applejack’s sister, Applebloom, who was wide-eyed as she stared at the two of them in the mud. “It’s not what it looks like!” Applejack shouted. Applebloom blinked rapidly, and her cheeks went bright red “Ihavetogobye!” She cried, running off for the house. Applejack turned her gaze back to Twilight and glared red hot death at the Horned girl. “Um...eheh...sorry?” Twilight slowly rolled off her and tried to stand up clumsily in the slippery muck. Applejack made to get back up as well, but Beatrice vindictively rammed the back of Twilight’s calves and sent her tipping back on top of the blonde farmer. “Oof-mm?!” “Mmph?!” Their lips had met, and Applejack’s eyes shot wide open. She then shoved Twilight off and scooted back from her. “Twilight! Seriously! There’s comin’ on strong and then there’s... There’s you!” “Coming on strong? W-what?” Twilight shook her head repeatedly. “No, wait, it’s-!” Applejack shook her head in turn, took a few deep breaths, and stood up. She brushed off her clothing. “Now look... Ah’m flattered, really and truly.” She reached down and took Twilight’s hand, patting it comfortingly. “But... Ah’m not really that kind of girl...” Twilight stared at her. “...Wait, you think I’m-?” “HEY TWILIGHT! HEY APPLEJACK-Woah!” Pinkie Pie’s loud, chirpy voice erupted through the air. “Hooray! Mud wrestling!” The pink Earth girl leaped right in, splattering Twilight and Applejack with even more mud. She poked her head out of the muck with a happy grin.’ “Oink oink!” Twilight nodded. “Huh.” She felt a lick to her horn, and Rainbow Dash’s upside-down grinning face filled her vision as she hovered above. “Room for one more?” She asked teasingly. “Ah! You perv!” “It’s not like that, really,” Applejack insisted. “Well what is it like then?” Pinkie Pie asked, glomping onto Twilight from behind. “Huh huh huh?” “None of yer beeswax!” Applejack growled. She yanked Twilight back from Pinkie Pie with a scowl. Rainbow Dash grinned at Twilight. “We were just talking, that’s all!” Twilight added. She looked at Applejack. “Okay, I think there’s been a misunderstanding I’m not trying to...” “Now look here, sugarcube,” Applejack said, and Rainbow and Pinkie Pie laugh for reasons known only to them. Though as Applejack scowls, Twilight guesses the farmer knows the reasons too. “There’s nothin’ wrong with this at all, see? And maybe if ah was...” She glanced over at Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, “like that...” “Or if your husband had a birthday coming up,” Pinkie Pie suggested. “Or if you were drunker than Fluttershy on four shots of tequila,” Rainbow Dash said. “Or you were a boy, which is impossible to imagine now given how you go around in almost nothing at all,” Pinkie Pie said. Applejack’s eyebrows twitched as she glared at them. She stood up and clenched her fists, the very air feeling tense as she stalked towards her colorful antagonists. Pinkie Pie squeaked and even Rainbow Dash looked intimidated. “Not the ringing bells again!” Pinkie Pie cried. “Now hold it a second!” Twilight yelled out. “Applejack, I’m not trying to seduce you!” Everything kind of stopped for a second, and Twilight took that second to realize she’d probably been much louder than she’d intended. Applejack looked at her, blinking. “Beg yer pardon?” She asked. “Of course I’m not! I’ve been trying to be nice to you so I could have a better chance at asking permission to take Big Macintosh out on a date!” She stopped, and the color drained out of her face entirely when she realized what she said. “What,” said Applejack in a dull tone. Her expression was blank, as though unsure what she should be expressing. Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened in horror. “N-No! Please Applejack, she’s-Don’t kill her, she saved the world and she’s got purple hairrrr!” Twilight sighed, she may as well let it all out. “It’s just that I heard the stories about how you were so protective of him, and I’m really attracted to him and I didn’t want you to be angry when I tried asking him out.” Applejack blinked a few times, and tilted her head slightly to the left. “Wait, stories?” “Like how you beat up Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie for asking to have sex with him.” She couldn’t help it, Applejack let out a loud “snerk”, confusing Twilight. Reaching up and placing a hand on her hat, Applejack briefly pulled it down over her eyes and shook her head before pulling it back up. “Now listen here sugarcube, ah don’t care if you want to date my big brother.” Twilight gave pause. “Wait, you don’t?” “Of course ah don’t! He’s a grown man, he can take care of himself!” Applejack was all smiles now. “What ah do care about, are a couple of fools askin’ me for permission to have sex with my brother at the most inopportune times.” She punctuated that with a glare aimed at both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Twilight looked at them with wide, disbelieving eyes. “... What... Why... How...?” Twilight tried, but nothing seemed to quite stick. Pinkie Pie looked at her friend, lover, partner in crime, etc. “You wanna start, or should I?” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her head and let out a nervous laugh. “Um...should we start with the whole Apple Cart in the Sunnyville Square thing, or the skywriting thing?” Twilight’s mouth hung open. “Huh?” “Well, the baseball game was where Applejack boiled over.” Pinkie Pie said. “She even blew up at Rarity after...” Rainbow Dash noted. “Oh man, Rarity was so mad.” Pinkie Pie shivered. Twilight held up her hand. “You know what? I don’t want to know anymore.” She looked to Applejack. “I can see why you beat them up.” Applejack grinned. “They’re over sexed idiots, but ah still love ‘em.” “Awww... C’mere, Applejack!” Rainbow Dash leaped forward and with a boost from her wings, glomped the farmer. Applejack instinctively caught Dash, who was now lying bridal style in her arms. The rainbow haired girl grinned and held the back of her wrist to her forehead. “We love you too.” She purred. Applejack promptly dropped her into the mud. “HEY!” Pinkie Pie giggled madly, only to get a handful of mud in her face. Applejack turned to Twilight as their other friends had a truly immature but epic mud fight. “If you wanna date my Big Brother, go right ahead, ah won’t make a scene about it. Just...don’t you go making a scene yerself, all right?” Twilight Sparkle’s eyes seemed to, well, sparkle, as she hugged Applejack excitedly. “Oh Applejack, thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU!” “Hey, hey, don’t go overboard!” Applejack said with a laugh, taking hold of her wrists to pull the smaller girl into a hug. “You act like it’d be yer first time takin’ a man out...” “Well, um...” Applejack chuckled. “Well, fer that... I am going to have to do something that might break mah heart.” “What?” The blonde woman sighed. “Ask Rarity fer help...” - - - - - Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned to not simply take everything at face value, especially when your friends at face value, and even if your friendship is at its infancy you have to be willing to trust. Talking to your friends directly about whatever issues and problems you might have. I also learned that while your friends may be... well... not the brightest at times, they still mean well and you shouldn’t begrudge them for their mistakes. Oh, and one other thing... Twilight was again leaning against the fence that ringed Sweet Apple Acres, sighing dreamily as she watched Big Macintosh hard at work. This time, he was loading great big bushels of apples into a large cart to haul back into the barn for making apple juice. Standing next to Twilight, were Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack... as morale support. “Does my hair look okay?” Twilight asked as she stood back and checked her sparklingly shiny hair. “It’s fine, dear.” Rarity, sipping a from a large goblet of apple juice, replied. “What about my clothes?” She checked the front of her dark purple on purple t-shirt, and her blue jeans, keeping an eye out for any specks of dirt. “You’re not getting any cleaner.” Rainbow Dash was enjoying some popcorn, waiting for the show to really begin. “This is the sixteenth time you’ve worried about this.” Applejack pointed out. “In the last five minutes, I’ve been keeping count.” Pinkie Pie chirped. “Are ya sure you’re up for it?” The farm girl asked. Twilight looked back over at Big Mac, who wiped the sweat from his many brow, and bit her lower lip. “Oh yesss...” Applejack grimaced and shoved her forward. “Then GO.” Twilight stumbled and nearly fell flat on her face, but she caught herself and, staggering, made her way up to Big Macintosh, who lowered his hand and looked to her with his usual amiable smile. “Ah, good morning, Miss Twilight, what can ah do for you?” Twilight stared up at Big Macintosh, his red flannel shirt unbuttoned to reveal the sweat-soaked white t-shirt underneath, his healthily tanned skin glistening in the morning sun, the way the wind caught his hair perfectly... Rarity’s eyebrows rose. Rainbow Dash popped another piece of popcorn into her mouth. Pinkie Pie stole some popcorn from Dash’s bag. Applejack let out a hum, silently encouraging Twilight to just ask. And the smartest Horned Folk in Sunnyville’s brain promptly shut down. “I was wondering if I could... uh... h-help you with your taxes... if you... hehe... want me to...?” The other four girls broke into laughter, as Big Macintosh blinked in confusion at the rather out of the blue question. ...Making boyfriends isn’t even half as easy as making friends.