//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 // Story: The Doctor Of Oz // by defender2222 //------------------------------// "Alright Spike, let us check the check list." Twilight paused, giggling to herself. "Check the checklist... I am so funny!" "Completely," Spike said dryly from his perch on Twilight's back. "Alright, I'm ready." "Let’s start with the where." "Apparently some place called Oz. I am still of the opinion we are in hell..." "And that opinion was noted in the notes." Twilight paused, a smile forming on her lips. "Ha! Did you see what I did there?" "I did." "Noted... in the notes!" Spike shook his head. "Yes twilight, you are very witty." "Yes, please make sure it is noted in the notes that I am quite notably-" "Why couldn't the library have fallen on me?" Spike muttered. "Did you say something." "Nothing!" Twilight pursed her lips but continued. "So we're establishing the where..." "Right. We are in Oz on the yellow brick road." "Are you sure it isn't gold?" Spike asked. "Of course. Do you realize how horrible a gold road would be? Gold is a soft metal, Spike. The constant treading of hooves upon it would cause it to become filled with potholes and divots. Then there is the economic impact that would come about from using gold of a building material..." "Yellow... brick... road," Spike said, adding that to the checklist. "Got it." "Ok... so the who." "The time lord, or the band or the baseball player who tends to play first base?" "I mean who is on the yellow brick road and who is on the end of said road." "Right... well, we are on the yellow brick road and according to Not-Pinkie we are head to the Emerald City to meet some doctor guy that will help us get home." "Correct," Twilight said. "And why are we walking?" "I just covered that... to find a way home." "Yes, Spike, but for the sake of recordkeeping we must-" "Hey!" a voice called out. "Hey! Git on out a here, ya varmints!" "Should we investigate?" Spike asked. "The only other choice is to keep walking down this road," Twilight commented. "Hey, if there be any ponies on the road that can help me, I'd mighty appreciate it." "... so keep walking and pretend we didn't hear anything?" Spike asked, only to earn a cool stare from Twilight. "Fine," he grumped. Twilight and Spike hopped off the Yellow Brick Road and plunged into a cornfield. Following the cries for aid, the two of them soon found themselves staring at a rather unusual sight... "Applejack?" Twilight said in shock. The earth pony that Twilight had known since first arriving in Ponyville looked down at her without even a glimmer of recognition in her eye. "I ain't heard of this Applejack fella, but he sounds like a classy stallion." 'Applejack' was, strangely enough, standing on a pole with her arms spread wide. She was dressed in the same outfit (worn britches, a flannel shirt) she had worn for Nightmare Night, save for the fact that her mane and tail were made of actual golden straw. "...right, all of you are different," Twilight muttered in annoyance. She glanced up at her friend, fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "Ok... just who are you then?" 'Applejack' leapt down from her pole and shook Twilight's hoof, shaking it so hard Spike fell from Twilight’s back with an ‘oompf!’. "I'm the Scarejack! Nice ta meet ya!" Spike held out his fist. "I prefer a hoof-bump myself." "Scarejack, huh?" Twilight said. "Uh huh! I scare crows, grow corn, guard fields, and sell propane and propane accessories!" "Wouldn't selling propane when you are full of straw be rather dangerous?" Spike asked. "No different than employing a baby dragon to work in a library full of dried out old books," Twilight reminded him. "Ha! That doesn't matter because the witch burned it down... oh." Spike's head drooped. "We're homeless AND out of a job!" "Golly, sounds like ya'll have bigger problems than I do," the Scarejack said, scratching her noggin. "What's your problem?" Twilight asked. "We heard you screaming for help." "Them dang crows are tryin' ta get at all my corn! No good feathered fiends!" Twilight raised an eyebrow as two white crows landed on the Scarejack's abandoned pole. The feathers on the top of their heads where orange, though most of these were hidden by the little hats they had donned. "I say, brother, it looks like the Scarejack has friends." "Indeed, brother, indeed she does!" Twilight frowned. "You crows sound awfully familiar..." "I would hope we sounded familiar!" the first crow replied. "We are world renowned for our grace and ingenuity!" "That is correct, my dear brother." The second crow bowed. "For I am Edgar." "And I am Allan Poe." "And we are the Edgar Allen Poe brothers!" Twilight just stared at the crows in confusion. "Ok, that is nice, but we are just going to be heading out now..." "Wait!" the Scarejack cried out. "I need ya'll to help me out! These lousy crows are tryin' to trick me out of my corn and I know that they are up ta no good! Can't ya'll help a poor fella out." "You're a girl," Spike said. "I am?" the Scarejack said, pulling open her pants and taking a look. "Boy gum, you're right! That explains a lot, I tell ya!" Twilight resisted the urge to smack her head against a table (which, for those who were not in the know, was the perfect way to deal with insanity). "Ok, so what exactly are the crows trying to do." "They are tryin' to steal my corn!" "I assure ya, dear Scarejack, we are not trying to steal this yummy corn." "Nor are we trying to pilfer, purloin or pinch it." "Correct, wonderful brother of mine." Edgar flew down and landed on the Scarejack's head, his chest puffed out as he did his best impression of a big city lawyer. "The fact remains that legally this corn is ours and while we are thankful for the Scarejack and her efforts to protect our corn from true thieves, we, the real owners, would like it back now." "My brother speaks the truth!" Allan Poe declared. "To not give of the corn would cause trouble." "That rhymes with double." "Which starts with D, which is near c, and C stands for corn!" "To protect then world for devastation! To unite all peoples within... our..." Spike blinked when he saw no one was joining in with him. "Oh, were we not doing that?" "Why do you think that you have legal rights to Apple... I mean the Scarejack's corn?" Twilight leaned in close, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I've heard this song and dance before... literally... and I am not going to stand by if you try and trick my friend into betting her fields… also, I hate musical numbers." “Since when?” Spike asked, only to be ignored. The crows shifted uneasily, clearly not liking how the purple mare was staring them down. "I... assure you that everything is on the up and up, not the down and down." "Not east or west!" Allan Poe declared. "Nor inside or out!" Edgar happily proclaimed, before grabbing a cane and striking a pose. Edgar and Allan Poe Cuss... "No!" Twilight snapped. "No songs." "Not unless it is one that is ripping off a currently popular song!" Spike said, wagging his finger at the two. "Very well," Edgar said with a sigh, pushing away the fog machine he had rented and tossing his cane away. "If you must know, we went to court and got a judge to decree that this land is ours. Seems our grandpappy owned this land before he was driven away by the Scarejack's family. We are merely rectifying an injustice." "Oh... oh." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "Well... Scarejack, did you know this?" "Yeah, them crows done whinin' about their magic paper from that judgey guy, but I told'em that I knew that were fake! Judges don't have the power to do things like that." "Huh?" Spike said. Scarejack glared at the crows. "Every straw pony knows that judges only have ONE responsibility: Determining the winners of singin' contests." "Huh?" Spike repeated. "There is always the nice dippy one, the one that uses slang and tries to appear cool, and the mean jerk ya love to hate! They bicker with each other and shill for products." "Speaking of, would any of you like an Tydal Cola?" Edgar pulled out a can of soda that had a picture of a grinning capricorn winking and popped it open. "It is so tasty and its low in calories! Kids, tell your parents-" "We get the idea," Twilight groused, before turning to Scarejack. "Listen, I am seeing why you hate these crows, but they do have a point. Judges ARE allowed to rule on land disputes and if the judge they contacted says this land belongs to them... well, short of filing an appeal there is little you can do." Scarejack stuck out her tongue. "No thanks... I don't need to flies bein' pealed." "No, I mean-" "YOu heard her!" Allan Poe declared, waved the judge's decree at them. "This land and all the yummy, yummy corn is ours!" "That is right, brother! For you see-" Before the brothers could try and sing another song, Scarejack held out her hoof. "Listen, I done sorry about all the fuss. I didn't realize this was your land... I'll leave, don't ya worry." "Uh, Twilight?" Spike said. "You two might want to hold off packing." "Why's that?" Spike snatched the decree from Allan Poe and passed it to his friend. "Maybe you should read this over." Twilight's magic snatched the decree and she began to browse over it. "... this just says, 'Corn belong to crows' and there is a picture of you two mooning Scarejack." "Dang, them judges don't mess around with the flowery language, do they? Right to the point... I can respect that!" "They are trying to trick you," Spike said calmly. "... ya sure?" "Positive." "But ya'll said-" "Ignore what we said." "Wait, if you were wrong... that means you ain't right... so that means..." "That's right," Twilight said with a smile. "You were left!" "...what?" "If ya ain't right ya left!" Spike shrugged. "Sure, why not." Edgar and Allan Poe looked at each other before slowly backing away. "Well, brother, it seems we are plucked." "We are each a sitting duck." "Because our plan is truly f-" FOOMSH! "Spike!" Twilight shouted, glaring at Spike, smoke still billowing form his mouth, before gesturing wildly at the charred remains that had once been Edgar and Allan Poe. "They were gearing up for a song!" the baby dragon complained. "I thought you'd be happy I stopped them." "It doesn't matter what they were doing, you just killed them!" "Look who is the pot calling the kettle black." The baby dragon crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. "When I kill two crows you get all grumpy. But when you kill a witch-" "Wait," Scarejack said, stepping between the two feuding friends, "you two killed the Wicked Witch." "Well... yes, but we didn't mean too!" Twilight exclaimed. Spike nodded. "But I did mean to kill those crows." "Wow, ya'll are somethin', ain't ya?" "Indeed," Spike said, admiring his talons while wearing a cocky smirk. "Now we travel from place to place, setting right that which has gone wrong... and hoping that the next leap will be the leap home." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Listen, this has been horrifying but we really need to be going. There is this Doctor we have to see-" "Wait!" Scarejack called out, grabbing onto the two and holding them still. "Maybe I should come with ya'll and help ya out." "Oh, do you like killing too?" Spike asked, only to get a knee in the gut from Twilight. Scarejack shrugged. "Can't rightly say, but I know I do want ta meet that there Doctor fella. I want ta see if he can give me a brain." "A brain?" Twilight said, confused. Scarejack blushed. "Well, it should be pretty obvious that I ain't all that good with the book learnin' and stuff. While I might have managed to get rid of those crows-" "Actually I got rid of them," Spike reminded her. "-there are goin' to be other varmints that are gonna try and get at my corn. Need to protect it and all that." "And to protect it... you are going to abandoned your field and duty," Twilight said slowly. "Boy hoodey, you are quick on the uptake!" Twilight and Spike shared a look of annoyance. "Wouldn't it be smarter to, I don't know... stay here and guard your field while taking online college classes?" "Probably," Scarejack said. "But like I told ya, I ain't smart so I can't do somethin' that is 'smarter'. I gots to do what I do!" "She does make a good point," Spike pointed out. Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine... you can abandon your duty to protect this corn so you can get a brain from a magical Doctor, thus allowing you to return and do your duty." "Yeeehaw!" Scarejack exclaimed. "Let's git a move on! Bye corn, ya'll gonna behave for me while I be gone, right?" "EEEEEYUP!" all the ears of corn drawled out. "...I am beginning to subscribe to your 'we're in hell' theory," Twilight muttered. “It’s a good theory,” Spike stated.