“Uggggh. It hurts! I think I broke, like, five pelvic bones,” said Jack Wu as Twilight Sparkle teleported over to him to check on him.
“Wait… five pelvic bones? I don’t know about human beings, but ponies only have one pelvic bone,” Twilight said.
“Yes, same with us; only one. And I didn’t hit him anywhere nearly as hard as I could have. He’s probably just bruised. Now get up, Jack, and stop being a fag,” said Fred, who just recently arrived on the scene.
Jack got to his feet and discovered that he could still walk, though every step hurt him to take.
“So, tell me more about your world,” said Twilight Sparkle, “From what you’ve told me, it sounds like an awful place.”
“Oh, it is. There’s fags everywhere, and god has damned our nation to hell for its acceptance of homosexuality. It is only by his mercy that we are allowed to picket and preach the gospel and save what few souls we can,” said Fred.
“So. God in your world. What form does He take?” asked Twilight.
“What do you mean?” asked Fred.
“In our world, we have a goddess of sorts. She raises the sun every day, she is immortal, and though she didn’t create the world, she is connected to the powers which did. She is the very Princess Celestia who we are off to see. She is an alicorn, an amalgamation of all three pony races: pegasi, unicorn, and earth pony.”
“So your god directly speaks to you and gives you advice through this Celestia character?” Fred Phelps asked.
“Yours doesn’t?” Twilight asked.
“Not directly. We read the gospel and interpret His words and the words of His son, Jesus Christ, His ambassador from 2,000 years ago,” said Shirley.
“So Jesus Christ must be like Celestia, then. An ambassador of sorts. But God no longer speaks to you through His son?”
“No.”
“Your God is silent, then. How odd,” said Twilight.
“Ooh, ooh! This is exactly like that one C.S. Lewis book, Out of the Silent Planet,” said Jack Wu in a reference that probably no one reading this will get.
“So, if He doesn’t speak to you, how do you know that your interpretation of His words is correct?” Twilight asked.
“Believe me, we know,” said Fred Phelps.
“But, it sounds like you don’t. If your God doesn’t talk to you or send confirmation that you’re right, you can’t know that you are right” (brought to you by screencaps of Facebook.com arguments reposted on reddit.com).
“WE. KNOW!” said Phelps, stopping in his tracks and turning to face the unicorn.
“Okay. Well, if you think you have knowledge that you don’t, that’s as bad as not knowing in the first place. It sounds like you need to know how to think. That reminds me of a song.”
In yet another strange coincidence, this song’s melody sounded almost exactly the same as “If I Only Had A Brain” from The Wizard of Oz.
“If you think that you are correct,
then maybe get your facts checked
to speak in your defense.
Then you could have all the knowledge,
things they’d teach you of in college
if you only had some sense.
You will get a better result
if you don’t make childish insults;
just make good arguments.
You could be so persuasive,
not stupid or evasive,
if you only had some sense.”
Twilight finished singing and Fred Phelps’ jaw dropped a full seven inches. Don’t ask how, maybe it was magic. Or cartoon physics, even though this is written word.
Anyway, Phelps replied, “Now wait just a minute, unicorn! I have plenty of sense. I’ll have you know I am an attorney, and I have a law degree!”
Twilight responded, “Ah, so you’re a lawyer, then! You ought to know better. Would a jury ever take ‘I just know I’m right’ as an answer?”
“No, but that’s why we use Scripture to defend our position.”
“Wrong. You use your own interpretation of Scripture to defend your position. Are there others in your world who interpret it differently? Those who say that it’s okay to be homosexual, or a ‘fag’ as you call them?”
“Yes,” he answered, “But they’re wrong.”
“UGGGH!” Twilight face-hoofed at the endless circular logic from the Pastor. Maybe, someday, she would get him to use some sense. But for now, she just kept on walking.
*****
About ten minutes later, the three humans and one pony passed by none other than Bon Bon and Lyra walking past them on the other side of the road, holding hooves.
“FAGGOTS! Fags doom nations!” yelled Shirley Phelps at them. Thankfully for the two ponies, she did not use her super-screech, otherwise they could have been deafened for life.
“How rude! Did you ever stop and think how that makes US feel?” Bon Bon asked.
“Um… no,” Shirley replied.
“You really ought to learn some kindness,” said Lyra, completely ignoring the fact that she was looking at a being with hands, her fixation on this particular part of human anatomy being overwhelmed by the insult she had just received.
“You know, you should stop being so cruel. Come on, Lyra, get out your harp and let’s show ‘em!” Bon Bon said. Lyra obliged, pulled out a harp and started strumming with her magic. Bon Bon sang,
“When you see some ponies passing,
You ought to have compassion
And yet you tear apart.
You always are presumin’,
and other’s lives you ruin.
If you only had a heart.
You would smile; you’d be gracious;
You wouldn’t be so vicious,
Or tear their lives apart
You’d be friends with the gay men
and the lesbians and straight, then
If you only had a heart.”
The two finished singing, and Twilight Sparkle clapped for them.
“Good job! I like the twist that you put on my earlier song that you would have had no way of knowing the melody to since you weren’t there,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Thanks,” said Bon Bon, blushing.
“Now hold on a minute. I DO have a heart; my yelling at you is actually the ultimate act of love. I am trying to save you from your sin so that your souls won’t burn in the fires of hell!” Shirley explained.
“So what you’re saying is that Hell is filled with ponies like Bon Bon and I, and Heaven is filled with ponies like you?” Lyra asked.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” replied Shirley.
“Well, hey, maybe Hell isn’t such a bad place after all,” said Bon Bon. She and Lyra laughed and they continued along their way.
Shirley stopped, and then ran after them. “Wait! Come back! You can’t just walk away like that! You’re walking straight into Hell! HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME AND—“ She began her banshee screech but found herself being dragged away by Twilight’s telekinesis before she could finish.
“Come on, Shirley. We don’t have all day. You can yell at lesbians when you get home,” said Twilight, dragging her along the road back towards the other two WBC members.
“Bu-but… they’re fags, an-and...” Shirley stuttered.
“Yes, I know. But we have a Princess to see. Now can I let you go, or will I have to float you all the way to Canterlot? Because I will if I have to,” said Twilight.
“Wait, can you float ME all the way to Canterlot? My pelvis and legs are killing me!” Jack Wu asked.
“No.”
“Can I at least ride on your back? I mean, since you’re a horse and all?”
“No.”
“Aww, man!”
Shirley agreed not to misbehave, Twilight set her back down and the four continued their trek.
*****
After another ten minutes of walking, the four passed yet another in the road. Except, he wasn’t a pony, he was a minotaur named Iron Will.
“Why, hello. Salutations. If I might ask, just who are you three strange creatures?” Iron Will asked them, smiling.
“We’re humans. Why do you ask, devil? Go back to the fires of hell!” Fred Phelps said to the smiling, two-horned minotaur wearing a tie, a creature which maybe a three-year old would also mistake for the devil.
“Fred, this man just kindly said ‘salutations’ to us, and he’s wearing a tie. I don’t think he’s a demon, he’s probably some other creature with horns,” said Jack Wu.
“Quiet, Jack!” Shirley said to Jack. “Begone, Devil! You had best not stand in our way or I will let loose the chorus of my angelic voice to banish you back to the underworld!”
“But he’s not even in our way—“
“Shut UP, Jack. I will throw my hat at you, vile demon! Be warned, my hat when thrown by my hand has Samson-like strength!” Fred added.
“Hold on a moment. Jack, is it?” the minotaur asked, walking towards Jack Wu. He looked down at the short, quaking, bespectacled man and extended a hand towards him.
“Um, yes,” Jack said, shaking the minotaur’s hand hesitantly.
“I’m Iron Will. Pleased to meet YOU, at least,” he said.
“That’s it!” Fred Phelps took his hat off of his head and threw it at the minotaur. However, it simply bounced off of Iron Will’s rock-hard abs and rebounded towards Fred Phelps, hitting him square in the gut.
“Oooof! Wha… why… no… No one’s ever been strong enough to resist my hat before!” Fred Phelps said, after the wind had been knocked out of him by his own hat.
“Don’t worry Fred, I’ll avenge you! AAAAAEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIII!” Shirely screamed directly towards Iron Will.
“This is getting old,” said Iron Will. He walked over to Shirley, took off his tie, and jammed it down her stupid bitch throat.
“Mmmph! MMMMPH!” she exclaimed, trying desperately to scream, but to no avail.
“How… how? You’re immune to their superpowers!” Jack said in awe.
“Yep. We minotaurs are as strong as Iron! Hence my name. So that hat was no match for me. As for your friend’s scream: hearing protection.” He pointed towards his ears, which had comically-large cork earplugs in them.
“I do stage shows, gotta protect my ears!” Iron Will explained.
“Stage shows? Of what?” Jack asked.
“I show scared, doormat ponies how to be assertive and get what they want! And you, my friend, look like the perfect candidate for my advice. If you aren’t satisfied, you pay nothing! Now, see if I can remember the words…”
Iron Will started singing a song similar to “If I Only Had the Nerve” from the Wizard of Oz.
“You don’t need to act so furtive,
when you can be assertive
‘cause your friends both are nuts.
You don’t have to be a pansy
It’d all be fine and dandy
If you only had some guts.
Don’t worry ‘bout what they say
When you can have it your way
You don’t have to be a klutz.
You’ll be brave as a lion—”
“Don’t listen, Jack, he’s lyin’” sang Fred.
“If you listen, you’ll be cryin’” sang Shirley, who had just pulled the tie out of her trachea.
“Iron Will is right, you need to just stand up,” sang Twilight.
“Yeah, but what if Fred throws his hat at me, or Shirley makes me go deaf? How can I stand up to that?” Jack asked despondently.
“You can’t stand up to it,” said Shirley.
“Exactly,” added Fred, “You don’t have any superpowers like we do!”
“Well, I DO,” said Twilight, “And if you lay a hand on Jack for anything that Iron Will did, then I’ll get back at you FOR him.”
(Yeah, I know Twilight doesn’t have “super-powers” and it’s just “magic,” but name one superpower-like thing that she CAN’T do. Seriously. One thing. You can’t, because she’s like Green Lantern on crack.)
“Eh. You win this round, Jack. Or rather, your demon friend and your witchcraft-using unicorn won it FOR you. Faggot wimp,” Fred said, spitting in Jack’s face.
“Yeah. When we get back to Kansas, you’re toast,” said Shirley, farting in Jack’s general direction.
“Just remember, Jack,” said Iron Will, “You have more power than you think you do. I’ll leave you with my final pithy piece of rhyming advice: You will find your true power will arise in your darkest hour.”
With that, Iron Will walked down the cobblestone road. The one pony and three humans continued their trek towards Canterlot until finally, they arrived just outside of the gates.
“We’re here!” said Twilight, “Now let’s go in and see the Princess!”
The four friends walked through Canterlot’s gate and towards the palace. On their way, they saw many rich ponies wearing tophats and monocles and smoking fat cigars that they couldn't depict in the show because it's a kids' show.
Upon seeing the three newcomers, the townsponies started to sing in a manner reminiscent of the song “Merry Old Land of Oz” from guess what movie.
“We’re so rich,
We’re so grand,
We’ve sure got a lot
That’s how we compliment ourselves
In the city of Canterlot!
We get up at twelve and eat some caviar
Get on our yachts, and sail to our wine bars
So rich we are!
Winston’s here,
Peeves is there
Alfred serves tea so hot
Our butlers serve our every whim
In the city of Canterlot!
We’ve got money left over to wipe our flanks
And we made the government bail-out our banks
Too big to fail!
We’re so rich,
We’re so grand,
We’ve sure got a lot
That’s how we compliment ourselves
In the city of Canterlot!”
Jack Wu, Fred Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roper looked over at Twilight Sparkle with bewildered looks on their faces.
“Did they plan to sing this when we got here?” asked Jack Wu.
“No,” replied Twilight Sparkle, “They always do that.”
“I’d say something anti-Semitic right now since they mentioned being bankers, but I don’t think you’d get it,” Fred said to Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle and company continued on to the Princess’ castle; the group ascended the steps and knocked on the door to her throne room. They eagerly awaited for her guards to open the door so they could have an audience with her.
NEXT TIME ON Westboro In Equestria…
WILL the WBC get back to Earth?
WILL Fred Phelps get some sense?
WILL Shirley Phelps-Roper get a heart?
WILL Jack Wu get the guts to stand up for himself?
and WILL Twilight finally have these hairless monkeys off her back?
Tune in next time for the stunning conclusion!