CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
EQUESTRIS
We made planetfall at Equestris precisely on schedule at 0935 hours. I paused to drink in the spectacle of my Home World as it expanded on the Main Viewer orbiting just off to the side of our Primary, Badlantis. Just beneath the swirling white clouds I could make out our small, green, iron-rich seas and the thin rime of green-blue sky at the edge of the world. The familiar red-purple, rocky deserts peeked out shyly at me. The mountain chains that rimmed them, the Brokenback Range, the Trove and the beloved Tumbledowns, in whose shadows I’d grown up, pushed the unruly clouds aside and frowned in taciturn greeting while the myriad valleys clothed in dark, gray-green native moss around the swift, bright rivers beckoned. It was raining in Ponyton, the sensors told me, and Mount Thunderball was putting on yet another pyrotechnic display while a hurricane came sweeping out of the misnamed Sluggish Sea to the annoyance of the Ponies in Crater City and its environs. The Rattling Hills had just had their fourth 6.5 magnitude quake this month and the Equestrins there were going through their never-ending routine of checking the mines and fixing the ‘bots that got caught in the occasional collapse. The Molten River had overflowed its banks again and the miners and their machines clustered around waiting patiently until the deposits cooled enough to harvest the newest batch of assorted metals brought up from the mantle while the broad, orange disk of Nova Celestia shone from fifty-four million miles away.
All over Equestris the ground shook, the storms raged, and nearly a quarter million Augments shrugged and went about their lives wringing a living out of the recalcitrant planet. Equestrins don’t complain. We hunker down and Get The Job done in the proudest Earth Pony tradition! I watched and just glowed from within!
Capers voice snapped me out of my reverie.
“Is imposing place, da?” He remarked to nopony in particular.
Evee cocked her head and regarded the image on the screen. “At least it’s got more water than Mares had before terraforming. You guys had it easy, Starry!” She looked back and tossed me a wink. The last couple of days had seen a real blossoming of the normally retiring Helm Officer. She stopped wearing her mane in that face-covering way and was actually socializing for a change! Doctor Fisher had introduced himself by ‘accidentally’ spilling his drink on her. He’d begun a friendship with her with some really productive conversations. The upshot of which was that the young Mare was finally coming out of her self-imposed shell without formally treating her as a ‘patient’! Good for the both of them!
I swiveled to give her a reproving look. “Am I detecting just a bit of Maretian bias here? Nasty things live in the water here! Just dabble your hoof and see what comes out gnawing on the stump! Then tell me how lucky we are to have it!”
“Hay! At least you could drink it. Ours was all frozen! And look at all that plant life, not to mention the atmosphere! Like I said, easy!” Evee looked smug… and about thirteen years old when she was being playful!
“That plant life is moss and lichen, there’s hardly any topsoil as such. I’ll conceded that the atmosphere is nice… even if it is a bit heavy on the sulfur compounds! All that volcanism, you know. The gravity and the seismic activity make up for it, though. And we only had one, count ’em, one ship! No reinforcements every six months from Earth! So there!” I stuck a broad orange tongue out at her!
Evee smirked. “Well…. Ok, maybe not too easy! But it’s nothing that good old Maretian ingenuity couldn’t cope with!”
“Puh-leeze! Those tinker toy domes would be just so many fallen soufflés on Equestris. We have positive air pressure here!” I said, loftily.
“Be careful, Starry-pushka!” Caper rumbled. “Hometown pride is showing! Most unprofessional in seasoned officer, nyet?” I shut my mouth so quickly, embarrassed, that I didn’t catch the laugh in his eyes. Everypony else on the Bridge did, though, and a chuckle got passed around all stations. Eventually I caught on to what was happening.
“Ok, ok!” I rolled my eyes. “So I’m proud of my home! I wasn’t knocking the achievements of the Mares Colony, Evee. I was just pointing out that there were… different variables involved, is all!”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Starry!” Evee turned and treated me to an impish grin! “We Colonials have to stick together. After all, they had it easy!”
“Too easy!” I agreed. “They just don’t know how hard it is to make a start from zero…”
“Like maybe rebuilding civilization from ashes of Last World War?” Caper retorted. “Is old Rushin proverb….”
“Noice lookin’ skoy, though!” Merry put in. “A Pony could get used ta that!”
Guiding Star looked up from his board and contemplated the Viewer. “I’ll still take blue any day.” He remarked and returned to his board. “Coming up on final approach to Starfleet Equestris Base Facility. Over to you, Evee.”
“Roger that, Star.” She scanned her board quickly and announced. “We’re right in the groove. Decelerating to Standard Orbit Velocity. We’ll be matching orbit at Equestris Base in five minutes and…” She consulted her chronometer. “Twenty-eight seconds.”
Caper, cheated out of trotting out another Old Rushin chestnut, grunted and nodded. “Standard approach, Helm. Communications Officer! Advise all decks Shore Leave for authorized personnel will commence once we have docked for duration of stay. Keep ear peeled for Base Control docking instructions.”
Merry touched her earpiece. “Ere! They almost beat ya to it, Skipper! Incomin’ from ‘Questris Base!” She toggled a control and a deep female voice came over the speakers.
“Starship Hermes, Equestris Base welcomes you. You are cleared to dock at Berth Seven. The beacon is transmitting on your frequency. Please reduce velocity to zero relative and take up station at one-zero-zero miles. Tugs are being dispatched to warp you in.” Evee scrunched up her muzzle in irritation.
Caper noticed the expression and cleared his throat. “Equestris Base, is Captain Caper of Hermes. Thank you for generous offer of tow but will not be necessary. Advise tugs they may escort Hermes to dock, da?”
“Read you loud and clear, Hermes!” The voice laughed. “Yeah. Well I had to follow the protocols didn’t I? Tugs’ll be along for the ride. Remember, you break it, you buy it! Welcome again and Equestris Base out!”
“Advise tugs same message! Hermes out.” Caper ruffled his wings just a little. “Oi! Like we are club-hoofed civilian ore barge! Make Captain proud, Lieutenant. Ship is yours.” He settled into his seat and watched the viewer calmly.
“Roger that, Captain, and thank you.” Her hooves danced across her board as she turned her gaze to her personal display. I could see on my readouts that she gave the impulse engines a fraction of a second burst, just enough to give the Hermes headway relative to the Base. “Impulse engines on standby, switching to maneuvering thrusters…”
The Main Viewer didn’t carry all the vectoring information that was on her screen, constantly displaying range to target, orientation, and rate of closure. It only showed Berth Seven center on the screen growing larger and aligning itself for docking. My display, though, showed it all. Evee’s hooves danced on the thruster controls, adjusting our relative position, braking, and tweaking our final velocity in the three-dimensional ballet that left the Hermes at a dead stop within the confines of the open frame of the berth waiting for the docking clamps and umbilical to make us fast… all in less than two minutes!
“… But next time give me something challenging to do, sir.” Evee sat back, looking smug. The tugs peeled off, one of them doing a slow barrel-roll by way of a salute!
To Capers credit he sat quietly the whole while looking almost bored. But I just knew that he’d been tracking her progress the whole while though his view of her display was blocked. Strictly seat-of-the-pants flying, no doubt a Pegasus thing!
“Duly noted, Lieutenant.” He nodded and grunted, pleased. “Next time we should do loop-the-loop right into dock backwards to show what real flying is, nyet?”
“Hay! That sounds more like it! Let me back us out and we’ll really give them a show…!” he hooves poised above her board mischievously.
“Hah!” Caper whinnied a short laugh. “But why should we embarrass watching civilian crews any further? Base Commander will not thank me for making other ships look bad, da? Well done, Evee.” He gave the Maretian a brief, paternal smile before swiveling his chair to address the rest of the Bridge in turn. “Secure to dock! Mr. Jerry, please to make ready to put systems on standby and link up to Base systems. Assign work parties to work with Base personnel to put finishing touches on Sensor Systems. Merry! Signal all decks we are docked and in Stand-By Mode. Shore Leave commences at end of watch after ship is secured. Welcome to Equestris, Ponies! Hoopah!” He came to stop facing me. “And welcome Home, Starry-pushka! Beeg plans to see family?” The Bridge smoothly slid into action around us.
“Oh, yes! But I’ll wait for my leave until the Sensors are all done. I Can’t just leave the work just for the sake of my personal enjoyment. After all, I broke them in the first place, it wouldn’t be right. Besides, I don’t know what Daddy is doing right now anyway. And don’t give me that look! He’d feel the same way!”
For Caper was shaking his head, no doubt on the verge of telling me I should just go relax and have some fun.
“Oi! Earth Pony Work Ethic, squared! Would not dream of pointing out that is not wartime any more to such conscientious officer. Suit self!” He shrugged. “Is wise old Rushin proverb that applies, ‘All work and no play makes Ivana a dull Mare!’ nyet?”
“There’s an old Equestrin proverb… that I can’t quote in mixed company!” I retorted. “So when are you planning to take leave, Captain-bubula?”
“Bah!” Caper waved a hoof. “Will wait until Crew has had chance at Leave. Besides, one Base looks pretty much like any other. Is not like can beam down to do sightseeing in any event. I like wings… and everything else… to stay just where they have always been, da?”
“And I’d like Sunny to keep all her, um… equipment intact, too! I’ll pop down and we can do a conference call to introduce her to Daddy from there. Easy-peasy!”
“And why not have Papa come up to Base? Or is Starry-pushka only Equestrin with fortitude to tolerate lower gravity?” The old Pegasus pointed out smugly.
I opened my mouth then shut it with a ‘clop’ before I facehoofed! I sheepishly looked back at him after a moment. “In the immortal words of the sage, ‘D’oh!’”
“See?” Caper crowed. “Captain is genius! Moreover, Science Officer obviously needs break after all if she can miss such simple solution, nyet? Make arrangements for tonight.” He waggled a finger at me. “After watch so Starry-pushka will not feel like shirking duty! Easy like bucking rain from thundercloud!”
“All right! All right!” I conceded. “Why don’t you come, too? Daddy would be thrilled to meet you after all I’ve told him.”
“So legend of Valiant Captain Caper precedes me, eh?” Caper held one hoof up. “But am nothing if not modest Pony! Family reunion is for Family, nyet? Take Good Doctor and Leetle Pooka instead. I will wait for later. Besides, will no doubt be Cutie-Mark deep in datawork at hooves of would-be Czarina Yoemare with overweening sense of efficiency. Goddesses save me from well-meaning, padd-pushing, bureaucrats! Bah!”
However much I liked the old Pegasus, Xantippe is my friend so I felt compelled to say something in her defense, but the words died on my lips as I stared…
Xantippe was standing just behind the Captain, three padds tucked into her right arm and a platter with a steaming cup of coffee and a slice of Bob’s Hermes-renowned coffee cake on it. She stood with politely downcast eyes as patient as a boulder, sometimes that Mare is scary!
Caper, noticing my expression, stiffened a little with his wings partially spread. “Is right behind me, da?” He whispered hoarsely.
“Da.” I nodded to the Zebra. “Hi, Xantippe, I didn’t see you come in.”
The Zebra bowed from the neck before raising her eyes to meet mine. “Hi, Starry. It was not my intention to be a sneak, I was just waiting for the proper time to speak” She gave me a knowing wink. “So that the Captain may enjoy his free time, I’ve prepared these reports for him but to sign. I’ve also brought a snack and some coffee hot, to help him with his weary lot.”
“Ah! Ensign Xantippe! Is so good to see you! Were just talking about how good a job you do with datawork! Da, Commander?” Caper hastened to relieve her of her burden. Merry sniggered (There’s no real privacy on the Bridge!) and he shot the Communication Officer a dirty look.
For my part, I discretely rolled my eyes away. I really don’t like bending the truth, even to cover the Captain’s feathered butt! Just the Earth Pony in me, I guess. Xantippe saved me from having to say anything.
“I am grateful to hear such praise from you, but we all have our jobs to do.” She clasped her hooves over-and-under fashion and gave Caper a polite bow with downcast eyes. Only her black-and-white tail moved, beckoning Caper in closer. When he did so she whispered. “Though you might think me less a jerk if only your work you did not shirk!” Her tail dealt the Captain a discrete smack, hidden from sight by his wings, right on the Cutie Mark! Her face the very picture of serenity she straightened up, the oval gold hoops in her ears swinging just enough to distract the casual observer from the impish glimmer in her eyes. (Though the Mare in my head, in the privacy of her Bridge, was cracking up!)
Hoist on his own petard, Caper could only go over the log entries and reports on the padds with such aplomb he could muster. For the record I didn’t smirk… outwardly, that is!
“Hmmm, all seems to be in order.” He said, thoughtfully. He scrawled his signature on all three padds with a fingertip and handed them back to her. “My compliments, Ensign, when doing this myself always took much longer and with more padds! Must be something to this Yoemare hoopla after all, da?” He smiled wanly.
Xantippe smiled and bowed her head deferentially. “This I knew but I am glad you think so, too. We all bring skills to use on this trip. As for myself, I would never be able to command a ship. Such a task is beyond me, I am happy to function as a secretary!” She took a small step back and bowed again. “Good-bye, Captain and good-bye all! I must trot to answer Duty’s call!”
Trot she did, but her legs hardly moved. Instead, she hustled off to the turbolift with her load of padds using a smooth, shuffling, utterly silent gait with just her hooves with her eyes demurely averted. Neat trick, that! Before the lift door closed, she lifted her face and treated the Bridge to a dazzling smile, the little scamp!
Caper sighed and sipped his coffee. “Oi! When did I lose control, Starry-pushka?”
I made of show of racking my memory. “Hmmm, I dunno… how many stardates in a Terran year again?”
“Hah!” He grunted a chuckle. “A good crew runs self with minimal interference. Is tribute to a Good Captain, da? …Is something wrong, Communications Officer?”
“No worries, Skipper! Just ‘ad a catch in me throat is all. Must be all the hot air on the Bridge eh, eh?” Merry turned and grinned.
Caper shot her a dark look nopony believed for a second! “Maybe should schedule full exam in Sickbay. Is too much to hope that loudmouth Comm Officer gets laryngitis and gives entire Bridge a break!” He made a lip-zipping motion to Merry, who snickered and went back to her board, and turned to Survey the Bridge. He overlooked the quiet smiles and merry eyes somehow before taking another sip, settling his wings.
After a bit he sidled over to my station to lean against the console and enjoy his snack. He offered me some coffee cake, which I politely refused purely on caloric grounds. Not that I wasn’t tempted, Bob really does make a mean coffee cake! (The well-intentioned Mare in my head gave me a pat on the back showing me rather exaggerated pictures of a plump version of me… complete with arrows pointing at my bust and butt. I snuck another thumbtack onto her Command Chair!)
Caper pitched his voice lower and rumbled. “Now am feeling more than a leetle guilty! Yoemare does good job and I do not make things easy for her. Oi! Am getting too set in ways, da?” He set his plate down almost on top of my dynoscanners controls. I slid it off to the side as he continued. “Now that I have free time this evening maybe will run into her on base and buy drink by way of apology. Am nothing if not reasonable Pony, da?”
“Good luck with that!” I said. “All her spare time is tied up with Bob these days.” I winked.
Capers bushy eyebrows shot up. “Oh? Yoemare and Chief? When did this happen? Oi! Am getting out of touch!”
“For some weeks now, probably when you were finding ways to avoid her.” I chided.
“Well… good for them, eh?” Caper leaned back and crossed his arms casually, one of his wings nearly activating my sensor hood. “Will buy drinks for both. Am nothing if not magnanimous Pony, nyet?”
I brushed one of his Primaries out of the way. “Caper, you’re a veritable Minotaur in a miniatures shop! Watch where you’re flapping those things already!”
“Flap, schmap!” He moved his hooves and levered himself off the console. “Commander is jealous for not having glorious set of wings like Heroic Captain… oops!” One of his fingers had triggered a sensor probe of the Base. I tabbed it off pointedly and made to give him my own poke to the Cutie Mark. Given the size of my hoof compared to Xantippe’s tail-tip, he stepped away quickly! This just wasn’t Capers day!
The old Pegasus salvaged what dignity he could. “Perhaps should stretch legs and take stroll around ship while business is slow, da?”
“Good idea! And take this with you!” I handed him his empty plate.
“’Ang on while I lock me board, Skipper!” Merry called out. “There! Yer free an’ clear ta navigate, Boss Feller!” She made a show of shielding her controls with her body until Caper passed by.
The Captain gravely accepted the plate. “You have the Conn, Commander!” He strode away at a dignified pace, not even pausing as he reached out to bonk Merry on the back of her head with his plate. “Chetnik!”
Daddy wasn’t home so I left him a message inviting him up to the Base this evening. Mindful of the fact that he was retired and living on a fixed income, I transferred some credits from out account to his and made a startling discovery!
I don’t do recreational shopping as a rule. Starfleet provides my room and board aboard ship so I don’t have many expenses outside of charitable donations and stipend I send to Daddy every month. My trip to Earth was made by doing a working passage, exchanging my services for a berth whenever I could. I only booked passage on civilian transport a couple of times, travelling Third Class at that. Even so, the trip had seriously depleted my savings. (As I mentioned before, I grievously underestimated the cost of living on Earth!) I knew I wasn’t broke but when I accessed our account, I saw that my estimate of funds was off… by about five decimal places! I braced Sunny about it while we made our way out of the ship that evening.
“Sure n’ I set up a joint account after th’ Ceremony.” She said. “Community Property n’ all!” She waved a dismissive hoof.
“Do you always carry this much in your account? Wow!”
“Our account, Lassie!” She smiled impishly and bopped me on the end of my nose. “N’ I only put in wha doesna go into savings n’ retirement, ye ken!”
“Wow!” I repeated. “I’ve never been rich before!” Then the Equestrin in me came out. “I doesn’t seem fair that I should be spending this, after all, I didn’t earn it.”
Sunny coughed delicately into one hoof. “Well, if I were th’ kind o’ Pony who be a-fishin’ fer compliments, I’d say that puttin’ up wi’ th’ like o’ me would qualify as earnin’ it, would it no?” She fluttered her improbable eyes at me.
I gave her a squeeze as we strolled, arm-in-arm. “In that case there should be another zero or two by way of ‘Hazard Pay”!”
She stuck a ladylike tongue out at me before continuing. “Well ye got it whether ye like it or no. ‘Fer better or worse’ n’ suchlike! Spend it while ye have it, Starry-ma-Dear. Money’s nae good just sittin’ in Bank, it does more good t’ be a-puttin’ it back into circulation. Prudently, o’ course! Anyroad th’ time’ll come when it’ll all be fer naught. Credits’ll be a-goin’ th’ way o’ th’ Dodo sooner or later!”
I blinked. “Say what now?”
Sunny patted my hoof condescendingly. “An’ there ye are wi’ yer Starry-Eyed Cutie Mark! Ye really should sit in next time I meet wi’ Accountants. In a century or so yon Federation o’ Pastures… or Earth, at least… will be havin’ a cashless economy what wi’ Replicator technology bein’ what it is n’ all.” She shrugged.
“Issa true!” Tyllae, who had been riding in my mane, stuck her head out and chimed into the conversation. “When Tyllae has lotsa goodies Tyllae does not keep alla for self, Tyllae shares with Tyllae’s friends! Credit-thingies must be like cookies an candy, right, Sunny?”
“Oh aye! Close enough, anyroad!” Sunny nodded. “Now have a care to not be messin’ up Starry’s mane, ye little flit! N’ mind yer ribbon!”
Besides giving me a mane-do Sunny had touched up Tyllae’s and added a final addition in the form of a pert little red bow in the little tyke’s tail, much to the delight of the little Fey!
Tyllae popped out and flitted back and forth in front of us, flaunting her new accoutrement. “Issa oakey-dokes, Sunny! See? Tyllae is being very, very, very careful of Tyllae’s new pretty-pretty!” Mindful of my mane, she settled into the crook of our arms. “Tyllae is bee-yoo-ti-full like Sunny now! Yep, yep, yep!”
I tabled my thoughts of Federation Economics for the moment. “Hay! What am I, a pile of gravel?”
She patted my hoof with one of her tiny ones. “Aww! Tyllae was trying to be mean! Tyllae means that Tyllae is pretty in same way Sunny is now. Starry is pretty, too, but mostly from inside!”
That must have made perfect sense to her, but I quirked an eyebrow at it. The Mare in my head gave me a jab for being vain and I sent her a rude message that made her plop down in her Chair in a sulk.
“Starry! Be nice to Little Starry inna head! Little Starry is just trying to help Starry be a better Starry!” The little Fey scolded.
Both my eyebrows shot up and I stopped dead, jerking Sunny to a sudden stop!
“Oof!” She complained. “What’re th’ two o’ ye goin’ on about? Faith! Ye came nigh t’ dislocatin’ me shoulder, ye great lump! N’ who th’ bloody heck is ‘Lil’ Starry’?” She eyed us both closely.
I glanced about nervously at the crewponies coming and going around us. “It’s nothing, really. Tyllae is just being Tyllae, right, Squirt?” I gave the Fey a Meaningful Look.
Tyllae looked, as she would say, ‘confoozled’! “Tyllae is always Tyllae, Starry! Who else would Tyllae be?”
I started walking again. “And there you are! And no matter where you go there you are, right? Come on, I want to get a mug of good, Equestrin cider! Or maybe two since we’re so rich… for a while, anyway!” I added lightly, hoping I’d changed the subject!
Sunny was silent, but she kept sneaking me looks as we walked. Tyllae flitted up and carefully inserted herself onto my shoulder between us, looking troubled.
“Starry…? Was Tyllae bad? Tyllae is sorry!” She nuzzled my ear.
I reached up to give the little thing a rub with a forefinger. “If you were bad I wouldn’t be about to get you a brownie, kiddo, now would I?”
As I had hoped, she perked right up!
“Oooh! With nuts an lotsa frosting, too? Yummyyumyum!” She clapped her forehooves together in anticipation.
Sunny, however, was not so easily distracted…
“’Nuts’, forsooth!” She snorted delicately. “I dinna ken wha’ yer a-tryin’ t’ gloss over, Lassie…”
“It’s nothing I want to talk about Right Here, ok?” I lowered my voice to a whisper. “It’s … embarrassing from an Equestrin point of view.”
Sunny shot me a concerned look. “A ‘Questrin cultural thing is it yer tellin me? From th’ sound o’ that wee Starry in yer noggin I was beginnin’ t’ wonder if I’d best be settin’ ye up to see Doctor Fisher.”
I patted her hoof. “Four out of five voices in my head assure you that you don’t have to… the fifth one just keeps muttering ‘Kill! Kill!’” The Mare in my head facehoofed and Tyllae giggled, making me wonder exactly which display she thought was so funny.
Sunny’s tail is quite long enough that she’s more than able to use it to give me a swat on the bottom, as she proved at that moment!
“Tha’ is no funny, Starry! Yer sense o’ humor leaves summat t’ be desired at times, ‘specially now.”
“Well, if I was the kind of Pony that would fish for compliments, it could be argued that living with an Alicorn would be enough to earn anypony a Psych discharge!” I collected another swat for that.
“Just tell this… all jokin’ n’ jestin’ aside, mind!” She fixed me with one cocked eye. “Is there summat t’ be concerned about?”
Sometimes, I’ll freely admit, I just don’t know when to quit! I stuck my free hoof inside an imaginary jacket and adopted a cheesy, nasal Prench accent. “I geev you my word as the Great Neighpolean, ma petite Sweet! Vive le Revolution!” The Mare in my head resigned in disgust and plopped back into her chair. She waved to the Little Fey who… unsurprisingly by now, waved back!
Sunny rolled her eyes to the ceiling in an appeal to the heavens! “I wonder if they’re a-serving uskebaugh in yon? Ye’re enough t’ drive a mild-mannered Mare such as mesel’ t’drink!”
“Said the Pony in denial over her snoring! …And since when are you suddenly ‘mild-mannered’? Talk about delusional!” That being my third strike, I collected a third tail-swat while she muttered some Byrish malediction under her breath.
While the Hermes lay in the open framework of the spacedock it was connected to the Base by way of a temporary access tube snugged up to our shuttlecraft hanger on the forward underside of out Saucer a short distance above the Main Sensor Dish called, by Terrestrial Naval Tradition, the ‘gangway’. One of Little Rocks’ Security Ponies, a wine-red and yellow Stallion named Dandelion, stood guard in a new uniform complete with phased-balefire pistol and tricorder. It was his job to log arrivals and departures to the ship. We got in line and gave him our information. Tyllae got a huge kick out of hiding in my mane until the last second, emerging like a jack-in-the-box and waving ‘Hi-hii!’ madly. The young buck jumped three inches! ...Faeries!
The wide, even by Equestrin standards, access tube led us up into the receiving area of the Base proper where another Security Guard, this one a nine-foot tall Equestrin in a russet jumpsuit, was doing the same thing. (It wasn’t redundant, just thorough! It’s how we do things!) Instead of standing with a tricorder, he was sitting behind a counter with a terminal on it. The constant, colorful flow of midget Ponies was keeping him amused… you could just tell it from the bemused expression on his otherwise homely face! He didn’t carry a weapon, not even a stun prod. Since it would have taken a direct hit from a balefire cannon to put him down he’d have all the time in Equestris to tie any malefactor into a square knot. When we rolled up his eyes flicked to me immediately, earning him a disgruntled look from Sunny who normally steals the scene in social situations.
“Hay there, Equestris!” He boomed quietly. “Welcome back! My name’s Hematite.” He reached out across his counter and we gripped forearms. “Good to see you!” He released me. “Now who have we here?”
“I’m Commander Starry-Eyes, this is Doctor Solar Cross, and Tyllae.” I said pleasantly, wondering if the little Tyke would pull her surprise again.
Hematite regarded the two of us, then leaned from one side to the other in an effort to find that third Pony. “You two outrun the other one?”
“No.” I couldn’t help but smile. “She’s right here. Suddenly she’s being shy! Come on, Squirt, you’re going to hold up the line.”
I reached up to my mane and withdrew a goggling taupe-and-pink handful of Fey and deposited her on the counter. Tyllae sat and stared up at Hematite with her head cocked.
“Ooooh! And Tyllae thought Starry was big! Are all Ponies here as big, Starry?”
“As big or bigger, kiddo.” Sunny was staring at me. I rolled my eyes away, embarrassed. “I’m, uh, short for an Equestrin… but still within acceptable standards!” I hastened to add. “…Barely.”
My discomfort was wasted on Hematite, whose complete attention was focused on the little thing in front of him. He peered down at the little Fey who waved back up at him.
“Hi-hii! This one is called Tyllae. Tyllae wants to go onna Shore Leave with Sunny an Starry, please!” Her smile faltered a little under Hematite’s scrutiny. “Tyllae has permission! Cappy Caper said so, yep, yep, yep! Ask Starry!”
He stared at her for several long seconds… wondering, no doubt, if he was actually seeing this. Eventually he pointed a finger as long as the Little Fey and addressed me.
“Oo-er!. I’ve got to ask… just what’s going on?”
“You’re not seeing things.” I assured him. “Check your database. She’s attached to our Crew. She is a Faery and, believe it or not, she comes from Earth.”
“Why does that not surprise me?” He said as he called up the information. He read the entry and shook his head ponderously. Earth is a continuing source of amazement to Equestris! “Well, put me in the tanks I’ve seen it all now! You’re not thinking of taking her down planetside, are you? She’d end up flatter than stale beer in no time. She’s breaking the laws of gravity just sitting there!”
“S’okay!” Tyllae chirped. “Tyllae never studied law! …What? What did Tyllae say?”
Sunny hid a grin behind a hoof as Hematite’s’ ears drooped.
“I walked into that one, didn’t I? Tell you what, stop over at the Aluminum Horseshoe… just take a right and it’s at the end of the concourse by the observation bubble… and have a round on me. Tell Chrys to put it on my tab. Nopony’ll believe me otherwise!” He hooked a thumb down at Tyllae and winked. “Better make it a short beer for her, eh?” Even Tyllae laughed at that one. An instant later she flitted up in front of his nose, making him squint cross-eyed at her.
“Tyllae thanks Really Big Hem-a-tight Pony! Tyllae thinks a shorty-short beer here would still be enough for little Tyllae to swim in!” She hugged his nose, which made the Big Buck almost blush.
“Na, then! No more rough stuff!” He warded off the affectionate Fey with one hoof, one finger brushing a foreleg in what… in the case of a frivolous Terrestrial Pony… could have been interpreted as a caress. “Don’t get stepped on, Short Stack! The three of you have a good time!” “Ok, who’s next?”
We hustled off onto the Concourse, a truly impressive expanse and a pleasant change of pace from the borderline claustrophobic environment I’d been living in for so long, and took in the sight of Equestrins, Ponies, Tellarites and a smattering of weasel-like Rigellians as well as a very occasional Andorian or Vulcan milling about going about their business or leisure within the huge, oval enclosure. The floor was beige and textured to allow an Equestrin to get a good grip in the Earth-normal gravity. The walls were cream-white and were adorned with abstract art. (Imported from elsewhere. Equestrins are too pragmatic to indulge in that sort of nonoptimal activity… officially, that is!) Various luridly colored storefronts and eateries that eagerly vied for attention, plying delicacies and goods from a dozen worlds took up the vast majority of the perimeter. Here and there, the white-and-silver columns of help terminals stood with small groups around them, announcing the arrivals of ships and offering directions along with informational tidbits about the planet below. There were tables and chairs in discrete groups scattered around, the tops and seat cushions colored mossweave slate-green. The middle third of the Concourse sported a second level and Promenade where the more expensive restaurants resided under a transparent aluminum dome. The crown jewel of the Concourse sat in the very middle, a raised bit of landscaping sporting a riot of flowers, flowering shrubs, and a venerable Maple tree raised from a seed brought from Earth seventy years ago rooted in a priceless reservoir of honest-to-Luna, actual dirt composted from ground Equestrin rock and organic materials. By now, the top of the tree projected well into the upper level and there was a list of Ponies as long as the Hermes eager to get a cutting when it grew to the point where it got close to the top of the dome. (Like any other foal, I’d put myself on the list years ago. Ah, the optimism of youth!) Benches lined the edge of the planted area and a low-level forcefield had been erected long ago to keep a tempted Equestrin from nabbing a blooming souvenir. (It hurts if you try to shove an arm through it… or so I’m told! Ahem!) Three free-floating sunglobes, tuned to Terran frequencies orbited it, dimming dutifully every night to make it grow.
Tyllae, as soon as she saw it, gave a happy cry and would have made for it at Time Warp Speed had I not snatched her out of the air before the first flap! To keep her from teleporting I told her about the forcefield, reminding her that she’d just bounce off like a little pink tennis ball and probably end up getting stepped on.
“Awww….burrs!” The disappointed Few sulked. “Whatta point having nice, nice, nice flowers an trees if nopony gets to touch an smell?” She gave the scene a longing glance. “Issa not fair, Starry, nope, nope, nope!”
Sunny gave the little thing a poke in the ribs, making her giggle despite herself. “Sure n’ they didnae make th’ place wi’ wee Faeries in mind, dinnit they? But ye have t’ remember, me little lass, that there’s nae dirt fer growin’ t’ be had on ‘Questris. That’s what makes th’ plants so precious! If they let everypony pluck a bloom whene’re they fancied they’d be a-havin’ naught but stubble left in no time flat. This way they kin at least look at th’ pretty things. Dinna think bad o’ Starry’s kinfolk now! An’ ye kin be sure yon plants never had it so good a-growin’ in th’ wild, would ye no say?” She gathered the little mite for a nuzzle.
“Tyllae unnerstands, Sunny!” She tore her gaze away to nuzzle her back. “If there was just one special flower in alla forest Faeries would keep safe so everypony can enjoy. Issa same thing, right, right, right?” She looked back at the bright blooms with a sigh. “Tyllae will be good an will be happy just to look. …But Tyllae sometimes gets alla sick for Home. Tyllae will get to play in flowers an trees someday, right Sunny? Right, Starry?” She looked at both of us in turn with eyes that just broke my heart! The Mare in my head looked around for a phased-balefire gun to take the forcefield down. Finding none, she shot her sleeves back and vowed just to punch it until it overloaded! What’s mere pain to an Augment, anyway? I gave her a gold star for good intentions and told her to stand down.
Tyllae waved a foreleg at my head. “Thassa all right! It would be bad of Tyllae to hog alla flowers when nopony else was allowed anyway! Tyllae will be good an lissen to rules an be strong, strong, strong lika Awg-mint!” She threw her chest out and tried to make herself look bigger (I was really touched!) while Sunny gave me a speculative look, wondering just what Tyllae was responding to.
“You just keep being you, kiddo!” I said softly, giving her a tickle under her ribs that popped her bubble and sent her into giggles again. “Caper is right, you’re tougher than you think you are. No Augment could do what you did and not become a basket case! Come on! Let’s get a brownie or two!” My eyes strayed across the Concourse, looking for the Aluminum Horseshoe. A bit of color on the upper level caught my eye, though, and I had a real Moment of Inspiration. Up there, in Posh Territory between two very expensive restaurants, was a shop that sold potted plants to very well-hoofed Equestrins!
“Hey, Sunny! We’re stinking rich, right?”
“Oh, aye, as these thing’re reckoned. Why, ye got yer eye on some expensive lingerie then? Maybe a sapphire-studded corset or summat…?” She waggled her eyebrows naughtily but I caught her eyes and tilted my head toward the upper level. She followed my gaze, puzzled, and then broke into a… well, Sunny grin! “I think I see where yer a-goin’ wi’ this! Sure n’ yer just th’ very best kind o’ Pony, aren’t ye?”
“What? Whahoppen? Whatta lookin at?” Tyllae peered around, Sunny’s body luckily shielding her gaze from what we were looking at.
“I just found yon ‘Aluminum Horseshoe’ is all!” Sunny winked at me and picked the Fey up. “All by my lonesome wi’ no Augmented eyes s‘tall! Come along, Tyllae dear, n’ we’ll see about a wee snack. I’ve a fancy to try a mug o’ th’ cider Sunny’s been a-goin’ on about!” She picked up the Fey and tucked her into her mane.
“Get me one, too! Real Equestrin cider! Make sure it’s Claybottom’s or Tumledown Lode, they’re the best! I’ve got an errand to run then I’ll be right back!” I waved them on. “Be good, Squirt, and I’ll bring you a souvenir!” I gave Sunny a kiss and sent them on their way.
Now I’d been on the Upper Concourse before as a Filly, window shopping like the vast majority of foals who could never afford the stuff up there. I had a minor flashback as I got off the escalator and had to shake off the lingering feeling that I was trespassing here somehow. Well… I certainly had the credits behind me now!
There was a clothier up there right next to my primary objective and I couldn’t resist just going in for a peek at what they had. Sunny’s suggestion was still running around in my head though I thought I’d turn the tables on her. There was no way I could buy anything so outrageous for myself, but maybe I could find something here for Sunny.
The ‘Intimate Apparel’ section was at the back of the store, discretely screened from casual view from prudish Equestrins… who were filing in and out, many with fancily-wrapped packages in their arms! I suppressed a smirk as I slipped in to view the displays.
Wow. Just… wow! My time off-world hadn’t made me as sophisticated as I thought I was! I thought back to that day on Earth in the lingerie department with Sunny. I had been scandalized by what I saw then, here I was simply… shocked! I just couldn’t believe that Equestrins would be actually wearing these kind of things! I really must have led a sheltered life, after all!
The majority of the things were made for Equestrins. I’ll freely admit that I spent quite a bit of time looking at the faceless equiquins modeling the latest in salacious fashions. But, try as I might, I just couldn’t see myself wearing any of that. My naked body has always been enough of an aphrodisiac for Sunny, bless her! …Still I had to (Guiltily!) admit that it would be fun to try something out.
The Mare in my head was giving me a reproving look as I toyed with the idea so, by way of a compromise, I got myself an emerald-green satin choker garnished with a light green beryl that I fancied brought out the color of my eyes. She clucked, disapproving… but admired her reflection in the holomirror I put in the Bridge when she thought I wasn’t looking! When I commented on it she hurried to remind me of just what I came in for in the first place… the old fraud!
Only a few of the displays featured Pony-sized apparel. One in particular caught my eye. The equiquin was a Pegasus but that was close enough to an Alicorn that I didn’t see any problem. The outfit was a bustier of gleaming white satin adorned with lots and lots of yellow topazes and came complete with matching long, white gloves and a simple bikini-style bottom. I examined it from all angles and was daydreaming of just how angelic Sunny would look in it when the Equestrin sales attendant trotted up. The look of gleeful anticipation in her eyes of a sure sale made me feel sheepish but I didn’t really mind. I was sure Sunny would just love it! I had an anxious moment while we hunted for something in her exact bust size. As it turned out, I got the last one in her size! It was expensive… damn expensive (I could have booked a weekend at the South Pole, the Garden Spot of Equestris, for that kind of money!) …but I didn’t flinch.
I left the boutique feeling like I needed a drink and made a note to have Tyllae sleep over at Xantippe’s or even Sekkack’s one night really soon. I considered dropping into one of the Posh Restaurants but killed the idea, after all, I had a nice, cool cider waiting for me downstairs and I’d spent enough time away from my primary goal already.
Fyng’s Fashionable Florals was just next door and as the muted gold doors opened, I was barraged by the scents of dozens of alien blooms. It reminded me of driving through the woods outside of Alicorne Keep!
Given the prices of his stock, Fyng’s was never a crowded place. There were a few Equestrins and Ponies here but they were mostly just looking and reveling in the scent. I must have a sign hovering over my head because old Fyng himself gravitated his way over to me almost at once as if he could just smell a sale!
Fyng was a member of a species that called itself ‘Ferengi’, a diminutive people who, apparently, specialize in commerce. He was short even by Pony standards, not even clearing five feet in height. He was furless and sported a pair of huge ears that seemed to meld right into his skull on either side of his shrewd, tiny brown eyes. He wore something like a fringe skullcap that left the top of his relatively huge, flattened head bare. It matched the rather ornate, metallically-colored clothing that covered him completely. In his case, this consisted of a gleaming, coppertoned vest, a pale gold, long-sleeved shirt sporting a paisley-esque design (With gold threads incorporated in it!) that had big, shiny gold cufflinks on it. His trousers were metallic bronze with a stripe of gold filigree up each side. Even his shoes, at the end of his awkward-looking, partially bowed legs, were gold with huge gold buckles worked up in some outlandish design. His posture was hunched; his broad nose looked as if it had been shoved up into his face, wrinkling his scant forehead and his snaggled needle teeth (One of the biggest ones inset with a gold nugget, go figure!) shone at me as he smiled ingratiatingly. I was at once fascinated and repulsed by the character and the Mare in my head put her shields up.
“Good evening, Madame! Any welcome to the finest collection of exotic plant life in Equestris! My name is Fyng, I own all this and I am at your service!” he reached up to touch my arm in a paradoxically firm, yet fawning way as he prepared to steer me toward choice bits of botany. I found myself suppressing an urge to bat him away against the far wall! He led me around to look at all sorts of things, starting with some Zinnias and progressing along to Posies, Daffodils, (“Pretty and nutritious, too!” He expounded.) Violets, Bluebells, some tasty-looking Daisies, and even a collection of Dandelions in full bloom. …I was beginning to get hungry by the time I stopped him.
“Look, I’m not trying to set up a snack farm. I want a nice size flower or maybe a flowering shrub. Something with a fair amount of greenery as well as blossoms. I have a friend who would like to dress up her cabin onboard so I don’t want anything huge or spreading. Do you have anything like that?”
“Ah!” His eyes roved to the packages with their store logo tucked under my arm. “Someone with discerning… and expensive… tastes, eh?” His weaselly eyes flicked back to my purchases before tipping me a confidential and knowing wink, his whole manner exuding a cloying sense of familiarity that irritated me. “Then let us dispense with these mere baubles! Allow me to show you some of my more refined wares!”
This being Equestris and all, I was tempted by the selection of roses. (The Colonists had named their ship, The Rose.) The idea of Tyllae running the gauntlet of all those thorns gave me second thoughts, though. I downchecked the collection of cacti on the same grounds. The Equestrian Fly Trap just creeped me out by virtue of the fact that it was a meat-eating plant! The Giant Sunflowers, though intriguing, were just a little too giant. (Despite the fact that they had tasty seeds!) He led me through a selection of gnarled and twisted bonsai trees that I’m sure would have had the little tyke weeping over their tortured shapes. The vines and ivies were nice, but a little plain for what I had in mind. He never once talked price… none of his plants displayed any… but I did pick up on an undercurrent of repressed excitement on his part as we went along. No doubt we were coming to the higher-end stuff!
Now we were coming into the alien (To Earth as well as flora-deprived Equestris!) plant life. Fyng grew a little more animated as he extolled the virtues of his more exotic specimens.
“Now here I have some very lovely Denebian Water Lillies, truly beautiful blossoms wouldn’t you agree, hmm?” I looked askance at the accompanying aquarium and took a discrete sniff at the musty, swampy smell that came from the heated, cloudy water.
“I’ll even throw in a collection of symbiotic minnows that keep the plant from growing over large as well as providing cleaning for the tank itself. Quite the bargain!” He added.
From the smell I deduced that the fish droppings provided fertilizer as well! While I had to acknowledge the biologic handiness of the arrangement, I had to decline.
“Too messy. Besides, I’m not over-fond of fish.” It’s an Equestrin bias, I’ll admit. However harmless these things were I’d instinctively would be afraid of losing part of a finger when I cleaned the tank!
“Ah! So you two females are sharing a cabin, eh?” He displayed those crooked teeth in what he thought was a confidential smile… while the ghost of a leer flitted across his face!
“That’s right.” I turned to loom over him. “Is that all right with you, pal?”
Fyng backpedaled a step and looked away guiltily before resuming his sales pitch. “I meant nothing! None of my business! Let me see now… Something low-maintenance yet attractive…” He rubbed the lobe of his left ear in thought, then, “Aha! The very thing! Perhaps I could interest you in this Vulcan Sunflower. It’s one of the jewels of my collection!” He steered me to a nearby display to distract my attention while the Mare in my head toyed with her phased-balefire controls.
It was a pretty plant, for all that he snarked me off. It had very dark green, oval leaves with smooth edges set below a sturdy stem that rose three full feet to support a very pretty eight inch wide bloom of flaming orange and scarlet. I noticed that it was in its own enclosure, a hotbox as a matter of fact. If I put this in our room, Sunny would end up with a heatstroke. After all, Tyllae would never go for the idea of her new plant having to stay in a box with her outside!
“No, thanks! I need something that will thrive in Earth temperate zone conditions.” I said, feeling just a little wistful about having a plant that would grow in a decent temperature. (On Equestris we like things about ten to fifteen degrees warmer than most Ponies!)
“Just what I needed to know!” Fyng seized upon the new information with zeal! “Now that I know your environmental requirements I can show you the perfect floral accoutrement for your quarters! Feast your senses on this!”
He scuttled over to a rather deep planter, the depth of soil seeming to be way out of proportion to what lay above the surface. There, in the pebbly soil, sat five squat, twisted… shapes! It’s difficult to say what exactly they looked like. My first thought was that they were stumps since they were flat on top. Upon further examination it turned out that they were hollow. ‘Rotted stumps?’ I wondered, ‘What was this, a mushroom garden?’ I tried to look into the stumps but it was too shadowy in this corner. I wondered, irritably, why every other display in this place had its own floating sunglobe except this one?
“You’ll just love this!” Fyng gushed. “Just let me…” He reached past me, leaning in too close for comfort, to activate the sunglobe that lay tucked in the corner of the planter. At his touch, it rose a foot and a half in the air and began to shine with a yellow-orange light. I couldn’t place the spectrum. Fyng cackled to himself, rubbing his hands together. “Just watch! Any second now! Sssh, sssh, sssh!” He admonished, a finger to his leathery lips.
I’d taken a step back as the little so-and-so rubbed up against me. I was working on putting just the right touches on a suitably acid comment when I was distracted by the sounds coming from the planter. That’s right… sounds!
As the light waxed I became aware of a low, puttering coo. Each of the tubes was making noise, all of it variations on the same purring chirps that sounded avian one moment and mammalian the next. As I watched, something began to stir in each of the hollow stumps. I had a brief impression of delicate, feathery fronds in red, green, and yellow stirring inexplicably within their confines… Then, suddenly, there emerged from each hollow something that looked disturbingly like a four-fingered hoof done up as a low-budget puppet! Feathery foliage lined the backs of the ‘fingers’ while the ‘hoof’ splayed itself open revealing a soft, mossy surface with a bit of something different in the center of each. One looked like a bit of fresh carrot, another was just wet and sticky, another had what looked like a gobbet of meat and all of them mewled and piped while the ‘fingers’ fluttered and trembled.
“This one is my favorite!” Fyng pointed to the one in the near corner, the one with the red fronds and the meaty-looking spot in the center of its ‘palm’. He accessed something on the back of the display and brought out a fistful of objects. They turned out to be dead mice in stasis! He put one in the center of each plant, smiling benevolently as each plant folded itself around the treat with a trilling sound! He saved the biggest mouse for the red one, feeding it delicately in while the fronds actually seemed to stroke his bony fingers! “I call him ‘Bo’! Give him your regards, do! He doesn’t bite!”
I backed away, my hands well clear of the planter. “I’ll leave the Bo-regards to you, if you don’t mind.” I managed to keep the nervousness out of my voice as the plants, attracted by my movement, turned as one in my direction and splayed themselves and began to coo and twitter!
“Oh look! They like you!” Fyng crowed!
“It’s probably a case of cupboard love. I’ve got to look like the mother of all feasts to them!” I eyed my new fan club dubiously.
“Oh, no, no, no, Ma’am!” Fyng protested. “This species has the ability to perceive subliminal impressions of people. They only come out for people they feel comfortable around. Watch!” He turned and scanned the store until he saw another, less fashionably dressed Ferengi not busy with a customer. “Vyr!” He made an impatient gesture, “Get over here! At once!”
Vyr was a younger Ferengi, if the number of folds and wrinkles were any indication. I honestly couldn’t tell if they were related by blood or simply species except that the way he ordered the young one around seemed to indicate a degree of authority mere employment just didn’t grant! He shuffled up quickly, ducking a nervous bow to both Fyng and myself.
“You called, Fyng?”
“Yes! Stand here next to this planter!” The elder Fehrengi pointed imperiously to the precise spot.
If her ears weren’t’ so firmly embedded in his skull, Vyr’s ears would had drooped at least as far as his shoulders did. “You want to demonstrate those wretched plants again, don’t you? Why me all the time? Why do I have to chance losing a commission just so you can show off to the customers?”
“Because,” Fyng bared his teeth slowly to Vyr. “I own the shop and you work for me… for the moment, at least!” His eyes flashed. “Now come-here-and-help-me-with-a-customer!”
Vyr sighed and sidled up to the planter and glared into it with an expression of disgust.
“Go away, you miserable things! I swear I’m going to feed each and every one of you a poisoned snuff-beetle!” He spat out.
Each and every plant flailed and warbled in distress then retreated back into their holes, Bo having to spit out his mouse in order to fit!
Fyng beamed proudly! “See what I mean? Now who could say no to a plant that genuinely likes you?” He paused a moment to make a shooing gesture to Vyr who scuttled away looking very put-upon.
I took advantage of the pause. “I could! Look, I don’t want anything mobile, carnivorous, insectivorous, or cannibalistic! I want a plant that eats dirt at a Terran temperate temperature and just sits there looking pretty while I water it occasionally.” My eyes roamed around the shop and came to rest on red-glazed stoneware pot of soil from which a slightly droopy stalk arose a good yard high. It was festooned with feathery, narrow, serrated leaves that were a bright green-yellow. On closer inspection, though, the leaves were rather limp. Several fronds lay on the soil. Nestled among the leaves were numerous swelling bulbs, four of which had already unfolded into a blossom as big as Tyllae colored orange and dark amber-brown in a tiger-striped fashion!
I pointed at it. “How about that one? What is it?”
Fyng peered around me to see what I was pointing at, a look of irritation pinching his face after failing to make what he thought was a guaranteed sale! He perked up immediately!
“You do have discriminating tastes! This is a Rigellian Geeva plant native to a world called Lerull-Four, in the Rigellian Combine, fifty-seven light-years from here. It’s an ornamental shrub and blossoms as long as the conditions are right. Wonderful plant, the Geeva! Beautiful flowers!” He stroked one of the blooms and a petal fell. The smile never left his face, though it became more desperate!
“Is that so?” I mused. I didn’t dare touch one of the delicate flowers with my big fingers but I did kneel down to turn the pot around and get an all-around view of the plant. A dead flower had been turned toward the wall. It dropped as I rotated the planter. I ignored it…after giving Fyng a significant look (He cringed!)… and leaned in to sniff one of the blossoms. Not being an expert in botany I had no idea what to expect. I’d only had experience with a few Terrestrial flowers and most of them came from the area of Alicorne Keep.
My first impression was that it smelled… sweet! Not honey-sweet but, rather, sugar-sweet. That made sense. What better way to make yourself popular to pollinating insects that by giving them what they want? There was another component to the scent, though. I mulled it over as I took another sniff, the familiar combination of smells eluding me as I tried to associate them with flowers that I knew. The closest thing I could compare it to would be a compromise between cinnamon and ginger. The Mare in my head facehoofed! A cookie! A flower that smells like a cookie! Of course the Universe has such a thing in it! She shook herself and hunkered down to the task of not letting the little skeeve rob us blind! Tyllae was going to get this plant one way or another, but I wasn’t going to let this twisted little rascal take advantage of me while doing it!
I made a point of looking not too impressed. I poked one of the branches, feeling the limpness of the leaves. “I don’t know… this plant is looking rather droopy.”
“Not at all! See? It’s just fine! Wonderful plant, the Geeva! Beautiful bloosoms!” Being so much closer to the base than I was, Fyng obviously thought I’d never see his paw sneak in to prop the sagging plant up. He didn’t count on Augmented perceptions, though.
“You’re propping it up!” I accused.
“Oh no! Not at all!” He snatched his paw away and continued on smoothly. “Madame is only misinterpreting the Geeva’s present state. It is currently in a… dormant state as a result of coming back from a particularly prolonged and draining round of growth and blooming!” He gave me a sincere… and a little panicked… look.
“Is that so?” I cocked a skeptical eye down at him.
“Most definitely! Why, with a little water and a bit of time to recover, this plant will explode into vitality! Vroom!” He made a two-pawed pantomime of bursting growth by way of example.
“Pal,” I crossed my arms and glared down at him. “This thing wouldn’t ‘vroom’ if I put four thousand grains of dilithium in the pot! Face facts, Fyng! This thing is looking mighty poorly.”
“Oh it’s not poorly…” Fyng quickly searched for a word, “…It’s pining, pining for its old pastures!”
“Pining? This thing is practically passed on!” I carefully parted the leaves to look at the stem. “I’ll bet the only reason it’s standing up is that somepony nailed it into place! The poor thing is about to shuffle off this mortal coil to join the rock-humping Choir Invisible!” I had raised my voice just enough to attract the attention of the other customers.
Fyng glanced around and took in the looks directed our way. “Madame please! Let us be discrete!” He lowered his own voice a bit and gestured me closer. I bent down with my hooves on my knees to hear what he had to say. “I, of course, am willing to make a discount to a Mare in Uniform in tribute to your valiant service.” He babbled. “I’ll hardly recoup the cost of acquiring such a unique specimen but I could let this go for a reasonable and fair sum of…” His gaze wandered away from mine and drifted to the loose, rolled collar of my uniform that had sagged forward. I chucked him under the chin and hooked a thumb up to my face.
“I’m up here, Bub!”
His eyes snapped up to mine without missing a beat! “Eight thousand credits!” He squeaked!
I got down on one knee so I was closer to eye level, giving me an excuse to straighten my posture …and to deny the little wretch the chance of any more ‘sightseeing’! I put one comparatively huge hoof on his back close to his neck. I resisted the urge to use him like a maraca despite the urgings of the sometimes bloody-minded Mare in my head.
“Come, Fyng. Let us reason together! I don’t want to buy your entire shop and the starship to take you home in retirement. I’m interested in just one plant. That one!” I turned his head toward the Geeva and back to me. “Now let’s look at the facts as they are presented, shall we? Wherever this thing came from, it’s plain to see that it’s hardly the jewel of your display. As a matter of fact, it’s sitting off the main floor behind another display! And it obviously has been here for a good, long while.” I reached out with a forefinger and ran it through the dust that had collected and stuck it under his nose for inspection.
Fyng shot a dirty look at his partner in botanic burglary who cringed and moved out of sight! “That’s not dust, it’s pollen!” He protested.
“Fyng, Fyng, Fyng!” I gave him a friendly shake with each word, turning him into a snaggle-toothed metronome. “Look, I’m willing to take this thing off your paws so you can put some really fast-selling stuff in here! An expert like you surely knows that in just a couple of weeks at this rate that plant is only going to be useful as compost. I’m doing you a favor. But…” The poke I gave him in the ribs that would have made Tyllae giggle made him flinch, instead. “I’m not going to pay full price for such a bedraggled specimen. Now, let’s hear a more… realistic figure. Ponies are listening, Fyng!” I gave him a pat on the back that staggered him, “Show them what a shrewd and fair businessperson you are!”
Fyng wasn’t …entirely… intimidated. There’s a core of duranium even a Ferengi! He shook my hoof off and straightened his clothing to reestablish his dignity and buy time to think.
“As I said.” He began. “I’m willing to offer a generous discount to Starfleet Officers! But I can’t be expected to take a loss simply out of the kindness of my heart, now can I?” He slipped me a patronizing grin… while he wrung his paws together, trying to gauge just how much he could wring out of me. “After all there is the cost just to get this lovely plant as well as my overhead to consider. The rent I pay just to keep this shop alone is enough to make you weep! And yet…” He paused to make a show of thinking. “I could let this one go for four point nine kilocredits. A fair price, all things considered!”
I rubbed my jaw. “I don’t know. I don’t want to buy something that’s going to die in a few days… Tell you what! We have some Botanists aboard. Let me bring one over to look the poor thing over to have a look at it. They’d be able to tell me exactly what the thing would be worth. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to do the same for your customers, too! Just think of how appreciative they’d be to know just how scrupulous you are in your pricing!” I reached behind me for my comm.
Fyng grabbed my arm reflexively… I let him get away with it.
“Now, Commander! There’s no reason to bother so many Ponies with such a simple, straightforward transaction! I’m sure we can arrive at a compromising figure all on our own, eh?” He tried, almost successfully, to hide the glint of panic in his eyes. “Make me an offer!”
“Well…” I leaned back and put my hooves on my hips. “I can respect that it had to cost something for someone to hop out of a shuttle with a shovel and nab a plant. But you’d be paying rent and so forth if you had one plant or a thousand, now wouldn’t you? I’ll take this thing off your paws so you can put in something more profitable for…” I considered a moment. “Five hundred credits.”
“That’s larceny!” He squeaked.
“Not if it’s cash-and-carry, Fyng old pal! What do you say?”
“The dirt alone is worth more than that!” He protested.
“Then sell me the pot and dirt with the dying plant thrown in as a gesture of goodwill. If worse comes to worse I’ll find a seed or something to plant in it while we’re cruising! Make it six-fifty and we’ll call it a deal. How about it?” On an impulse I scritched him on the far-side earlobe. He squirmed like he got gooseflesh!
“And if the plant does live?” He asked, clearly distracted by the touch.
“Why I’ll show it off to everypony I meet in all of space and tell them I got it at Fyng’s, the place to go for ornamental plants! I’d be doing your advertising for you free of charge!”
“Well….” He dithered. Experimentally, I gave him another scritch and the little crook seemed to melt.
“Nine hundred ninety-nine!” He sighed.
Scritch, scritch. “Seven hundred!”
His eyes closed halfway. “Nine hundred.”
I lowered my head to look him in the eye… and pinched his earlobe! “Seven-fifty.” I squeezed a little harder. “And I don’t give you an impromptu piercing!” I whispered so low that Tyllae would have had trouble picking it up. Fyng heard it loud and clear, though, and snapped back to attention at once! He made a token effort at shaking off my hoof but I held him fast with just enough strength to show him that, in my own way, I meant business too! He straightened his clothes and tried to look casual.
“Done and done! It will be a pleasure to get rid of that thing anyway. I just can’t stand that smell!” He fumbled out his store padd and set up the sale, passing it to me when he was done.
I docked my credit chip to it. “Fan-tastic! Just have it delivered to the Hermes and they’ll make sure it gets where it had to go.” I entered the information and handed it back to him, forgetting to undock my chip.
“I thought you said it was ‘cash and carry’.” He grumbled.
“Consider it an inexpensive lesson in the nuances of Pony slang, Fyng old pal!” I gave him another thump on the back.
He staggered and looked over the padd. He tapped out a few commands and finalized the sale, undocking my chip and handing it back to me. “Thank you for your custom, Madame, and for the lesson as well! Teaching goes both ways, eh?” He shot me an odd, triumphant look. “ Now, if you will excuse me, I have other patrons to tend to. Good day, Madame, and feel free to stop by again to exchange more knowledge!” He smiled his crook-toothed smile then scuttled away to harangue his clerks into packing up my purchase.
I was so pleased with myself that his last words didn’t register with me until after I left the shop. Just before I got to the escalator I stopped dead and pulled out my chip to review the last transaction. My chip was still interfaced to his padd when I handed it back to him and he made a point to undock it before giving it back. I stared at the readout… The little fink had slapped a fifteen-hundred credit delivery charge to send my plant three thousand feet!
Ferengi have a reputation for being cutthroat businesspeople… and I just found out why! I read the facsimile invoice and took in the notation, ‘All Sales Are FINAL’, with a sigh. Oh, well! Tyllae would be happy beyond belief anyway. And I did get the thing for about a third of what he was asking for it. …I still felt like a noob, though.