The news that going back home meant losing my identity and having to restart everything from scratch – without even a name for others to go by – hit me particularly hard. I stayed in my suite in Luna’s wing for the castle without even bothering to leave even for the morning, afternoon, and evening meals. I spent my time divided between two activities: sleeping or drinking water or the supplement that was continued to be brought by the guards. I didn’t eat anything, and I hardly left the room. Often I stayed in my bed, lying on my back and looking at the moon on the ceiling, wondering what could I have done to prevent all this, what could have happened that would have allowed me to go back without consequence.
A few days after the failed spell, I had a few ponies attempt to get me to come out of the suite. First was Celestia, who begged with me to come out as she wanted to apologize for what she had done to me. I told her that she was beyond apology by that point, though inwardly I felt sorry for her; she sounded tired as though the events had exhausted her and seemed legitimately hurt and ashamed by how things had ended up for me. She begged and begged for me to come out, but nothing she could say could bring me to leave the suite, as what I remembered her for the most at that point was her bringing me here and the gambits she used to make me stay. I reminded her of this, to which she left me alone; I would have said more regarding what she said to me, but my brain was still shut down and constantly repeating the message that as soon as she had left I forgot everything but the basic fact that she was attempting to apologize to me.
Next were Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. They came the next day, a Thursday, and told me there was a concert they wanted to take me to and that they wanted to take me out to the pub we had gone to a few times before. Cadence was the one doing most of the talking while Shining Armor remained silent, though she didn’t have to explain why.
“Lucas, please,” Cadence said through the door. “You at least need to come out and eat something.”
“I’m not hungry,” I told her.
“Not even for something small? Like a soup and a sandwich?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You can’t just lock yourself up in there. I understand the realization hit hard, but you can’t sit around doing nothing until you waste away in there. You need to come out and talk to somebody about what you’re feeling. We all want to help you, but we can’t help you if you don’t come and talk to us and let us help you.”
“You wouldn’t understand anyways.”
Cadence banged on the door with a hoof and spoke louder and more forcefully than I had ever heard her. “You don’t think I wouldn’t understand? When King Sombra took over the Crystal Empire and Celestia came and saved me, do you think I wanted to stay here? Right now, one of the few reasons I’m alive is because the ponies here were helpful to me when Celestia and Luna used the Elements of Harmony to seal away Sombra, even if it meant the disappearance of the Crystal Empire. They talked with me about the disappearance of the Empire and came to me and helped me adjust to life here.”
“Cadence, honey,” I heard Shining Armor say quietly to his wife, “I don’t think Lucas needs scolding to get the message across…”
I sat in stunned silence. This was information I hadn’t received before.
Cadence sighed. “You’re right, Shining. Lucas, I know it’s hard to understand, but there are ponies here who sympathize with your cause and those who understand more than you think. There’s me, who got pulled over here because of the condition of the Crystal Empire. There’s Pinkie Pie, who relocated to Ponyville to get away from rather drab and unsupportive conditions back home. And there’s Luna, who was banished to the moon for a thousand years, and came back to find that the ponies here were still afraid of what she did back then.”
“And even if we don’t understand,” Shining Armor finally spoke up, “we want to find out what you’re going through and what we can do to make it better. Tell us what you want and we’ll help you either get it or find out more about it.”
“…I want to go home…”
I don’t think I ever felt homesick very much during my stay. The thoughts never really hit me, that I might be stuck here. I just always thought I could go back. But… then they came. All those thoughts of home, how Earth had vanished away, how I couldn’t go back unless it meant starting everything over: my education, my job, my money, my home. All of it… gone. I didn’t care that Shining Armor and Cadence were standing just outside the door; I broke down and cried, small sobs at first, but I couldn’t hold back the torrent for long. I leaned against the door and placed my hand against it, trying to touch them two ponies on the other side of the door without really letting them in.
“Are you okay?” Shining Armor asked.
It was a dumb question. “No, I’m not okay!” I shouted through tears to the other side. “I just lost my home. I lost whatever family I had back there. No one will remember me! No one will care who I was! It doesn’t matter whatever happens to me, I’m stuck here without a single thing to my name! All I have left are my bones and my memories!”
“Lucas…”
“And all because of your fucking princess who thought she could do something good by bringing me here! But she left me with nothing! Didn’t even have the sense to bring anything with me, just me! And even then her spell nearly took away my memories! I’m not okay! I just want to go home, but even that has been denied me… I’m alone, I’m distressed, and… I don’t know what to do…”
I sat and leaned against the door, and I could feel the door budge from the other side like something pushed against it. The other side was quiet for a long time.
“Miss Cadenza, Shining Armor. Princess Celestia requests your presence.”
“Shining, dear…”
“You go ahead, Cadence. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“…I understand. I’ll tell her what you’re doing.”
I heard two sets of hoofsteps walk away and the hallway outside fell silent again. I kept crying until evening came and my weeping had been reduced to mere sobs that I still couldn’t hold back in. My clothes were stained with teardrops and the floor around me was beginning to feel warm from how long I had sat in one place.
“Lucas…” Shining Armor’s voice came, “are you still there?”
I nodded, then soon realized he couldn’t see me. “Yes.”
“It’s getting close to dinner. Do you want to come out?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Do you want me to bring you anything?”
I shook my head again. “No.”
“You’ll need to eat eventually.”
I didn’t respond.
“…can I come in?”
I thought about it for a little while, then decided to get myself up from the floor. I fumbled with the lock until it came undone, then pulled the door open to let Shining in; his mane was a mess and his eyes were red, though I wagered he still looked better than I did. He came inside and walked with me until we were in my room on the bed. Shining Armor didn’t speak, but he sat there on the bed with me, sitting so close I could feel his fur through my clothes.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s not your fault,” I told him.
“I still feel bad for going along with it in the beginning.”
“I’ve already forgiven you for that.”
“Lucas…?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever feel the kindred bond? Have you ever felt any sort of connection to me?”
“I’ve felt guilt. I feel like you’re one of the closest friends I’ve had ever since coming here. But… I can’t say I’ve felt any sort of ‘kindred bond’ magic. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your sympathy and how close you’ve been to me.”
Without moving a muscle, I felt Shining’s magic pull on my hand and felt as he gently pulled it around his shoulders before releasing. I let it stay there: it felt good in some way I couldn’t exactly explain; perhaps just knowing he was there. We stayed there for a long time, not saying a word, until I felt myself drifting off and nodding in attempts to stay awake. I felt Shining Armor’s magic come over my whole body and felt limp as he gently positioned me so I was lying down on the bed. The covers went over me and I could hear his hoofsteps gently walking away until he was at the door, turning around to look at me barely awake.
“If you need anything,” he said, “anything at all, you come find me and I’ll see what I can do.” Then he shut the door and, without waiting a minute longer, I fell asleep.
* * *
I was looking at a hallway. There was an open door close to me on one end of the hall, and there was a large door with the insignia of the moon on the other end. For a long while, both doors showed no movement.
After a time, Shining Armor came out of the door closest towards where I could see. His horn glowed as he turned around and shut the door then faded as the door quietly clicked shut. He looked at the door a little while, and I could hear him speak faintly. “I’ll be back in the morning, Lucas.” Then he walked away. About halfway down the corridor, he turned left and entered another hallway. I watched and listened as Shining Armor’s hoofsteps eventually faded away.
When Shining Armor was no longer within my hearing range, the door with the insignia of the moon clicked open as though it was locked and swung out a couple of inches.
* * *
I woke up, still staring at the moon on the ceiling. Shining Armor was gone and the door to the bedroom was closed. Not a single light was on, but the moon was shining brightly and lit up the interior of the castle. Even so, something seemed… different. Not normal, even as far as Canterlot Castle was. I wondered if I should go find someone and tell them.
I crawled out of bed and tiptoed across the floor, opening the door to the bedroom as quietly as I could. The rest of my suite was dark and hardly anything had changed, and the door was closed but not locked; Shining Armor had let himself out and didn’t lock the door behind him. I walked to the door to see if Shining was in the hall; maybe he could alert the guards and see if anything was wrong, then I could get back to sleep.
Out in the hall, something very noticeable had changed. I looked down towards the observatory to find nothing, but when I looked towards the double doors that led to Luna’s suite, normally closed and locked, were open. A few inches on either side, enough for a small sliver of light to come through but not enough for me to see what was inside. I walked over to the doors, looking at them with curiosity running rampant. I half wanted to barge in just to see what was going on, though reason kept me from doing so. I raised a hand and knocked on one of the doors, wondering if Luna could hear me or if she was even inside.
I hardly finished knocking when I had to jump back to avoid one of the doors swinging outwards, enough for me to enter. Assuming that was an invitation, I went ahead and walked inside. It was similar to my own suite, with a sort of kitchen area off to the side and a large, spacious living area that looked out over the castle gardens. Only two slight changes were present, first being that the window had a door that led out onto a balcony over the gardens, and the second being that the entire suite was in shades of purple, dark blue, and black that was darker than my own suite but fitting for the Princess of the Night.
Luna was there, sitting on the balcony, ethereal mane waving about despite the lack of breeze on an otherwise warm night. There was a small table near her where she had all of the assignments I had done under her teaching on Equestrian history. I walked over to her, noticing she was sitting on a large sofa similar to one I had seen Cadence sitting in weeks before.
I wasn’t far off. She turned around and smiled when she saw me. “I was afraid you wouldn’t accept the invitation,” she remarked. “I heard about your breakdown from Cadence when we spoke with Princess Celestia. We’ve all worried about you, locking yourself away.”
I sat down on the sofa next to her; it was extremely soft and comfortable, even more so when I felt her cool, dark blue fur next to me. “The realization that I can’t go home only hit me this past afternoon.”
“It’s not like you can’t,” Luna said. “It’d just be difficult.”
“Moreso than any of you think,” I told her. “If I went back, I’d have to go through school again. I’d have to go through finding a job, finding a home, regaining money to live on my own, getting back my. That could take years to do.”
“I know,” Luna said. “I’ve seen it before. People who Celestia has brought here usually make it okay, but there have been some who haven’t made it, who turned to a life of crime just to get by even here. Some were used to it, but some had no other choice. They didn’t have anything or anyone to turn to. By staying here, you at least have friends who could help you out rather than having to find yourself in far worse a situation back on Earth.”
I nodded.
“I spoke with Princess Celestia about the whole ordeal. She finally saw my claims as justified considering your predicament if you went back.”
“Will she stop bringing humans here?”
“I doubt it. She is stubborn and persistent in whatever she undertakes, so I feel that the entrance of humans into Equestria will not stop. Perhaps, however, she will be more careful and less rash in bringing them here, informing them of the consequences of her actions and asking them if they would be okay with this.”
“And what about me?”
“Your situation brought these things all to light. I don’t know how long things would have lasted in the same way if you hadn’t been brought here.”
I said nothing in response.
Luna stretched herself out on the couch, allowing me to recline on her as she continued. “When I was invading your dreams as Nightmare Moon, I saw that your mother had named you Lucas. In some languages, Lucas can mean ‘bringer of light’. Quite fitting if you ask me, considering what you’ve done in the relatively short time you’ve been here.”
I was about to argue that one hundred days of being away from home on Earth felt quite long, but I remembered I was talking to a nigh-immortal alicorn that had been trapped on the moon for one thousand years. So, I pushed that out and decided to ask, “Why do you think?”
“There is a phrase that goes ‘we are bringing things to light’, or something like that. When we bring something to light, it means we uncover the truth about it. Your existence here and your going against the grain of what we had normally experienced caused us to think about things we hadn’t before. Like the meaning of home, or the morality of actions that we’ve otherwise had no one to question before. Your time here may have been less than most others have spent here, but you’ve certainly made your mark and have brought some of us to light.”
Luna took her hoof and turned my face to hers. I looked into those blue eyes and found in them a great appreciation for me, someone who saw me not only as a friend… but perhaps family. “And you’ve brought me back into the light, showing me that I had ponies who cared about me, and even a few people. Thank you, Lucas.”
Luna’s eyes closed, and I felt mine close as well, as she kissed me. Right on the lips, just like Spitfire. But Luna’s felt better. It was more comforting, more affectionate, less… ‘demanding’. I felt myself lean into the kiss, and felt my cheeks get warm and an odd sort of thrill go down my spine, but I didn’t care. It was just me and her. When she backed away, I could see a sort of cheeky look in her eyes.
“I hope you don’t mind our—my displays of affection,” she said.
I shook my head. “Not at all.”
“Would you… mind if we did it again?”
I gave an almost equally cheeky smile. “Not at all.”
* * *
For four whole weeks, life returned to normal in Canterlot Castle, and I felt happy again. I spent my time with Luna, Shining Armor, and Cadence. Luna was given more work to do and let me watch as she looked at royal decrees and land grants and analysis of funding towards various public works. I finally ate again with regularity, joining the others at the dining hall for breakfast, lunch and dinner. On Fridays, Shining Armor took the two alicorns, me, and a few of the guard – including Revenant Wings – out onto the town and back to our favorite pub for drinks, snacks, and games. On days when the weather wasn’t too warm, we would sometimes go out into Canterlot and have lunch or go and see a show or go to the local amusement park and play miniature golf, or even go swimming in the private pool inside the castle.
We went to Ponyville twice during that time, as well, just to go see everyone there again. We went during the weekends and stayed from Friday until Monday, letting us all have time to meet with and talk with the ponies there. The ponies were all sad to hear that the spell hadn’t worked out, but were all happy to see that I was staying, and in celebration Pinkie Pie arranged yet another party welcoming me not just to Ponyville but to Equestria. Twilight always welcomed us in her home whenever we visited, and we were always welcomed for a cider and a slice of homemade apple pie at Sweet Apple Acres. Rarity made me another shirt and vest combo, this time in a much more formal black and dark grey, with Luna to pay for it (only 50 bits, relatively small for the more formal nature of it).
Once, Big Macintosh pulled me aside and noted his pleased reaction to how I had managed to find a home. “It isn’t quite home,” I told him, “but it’s the closest thing I’ve come to it. I feel safe, I’ve mostly settled down, and I feel loved and appreciated. And for that, I guess I’ve found a home.”
No matter whether in Ponyville or in Canterlot, the nights were almost always the same. In Canterlot, Luna had decided that, if I wanted to, I could sleep with her in her suite and use my own suite for if I ever wanted time alone; I always took up the offer to be with Luna. Some nights we would lie in bed and listen to music or read a book until late at night and we began to drift off to sleep, when we would turn off the music or close the book and I would fall asleep in Luna’s hooves. Sometimes Luna would lie down on her back and bring me in close, letting me lay on her stomach as she wrapped me in her wings, cool enough against the warm nights that I felt comfortable but warm enough that I could easily fall asleep if I wanted to, but some nights all I wanted to do was stare into those blue eyes that would just stare right back at me. Oh, we would talk, but it often felt like hardly anything registered as we were too lost with each other.
Was it strange for me to feel like this towards something that wasn’t my species? Oh, certainly, and at times I would question the morality of it. But Equestria was open to that sort of thing, considering its dominant specie was four-legged. And, considering I wasn’t going back home anytime soon, I decided it would be fine to open myself up to Luna, and so I did. We never quite went that far, but Luna was very affectionate with me and very quickly became perceptive of my emotions. She knew how far she could take the teasing and the affection before I needed her to back off, and she let me know it was all in good fun and she wouldn’t persuade me to do a thing. I felt… happy with her. I once had Cadence examine me to see if I had a kindred bond with Princess Luna; she said I didn’t.
Perhaps that was the reason that, on the fifth week, I started getting restless again. While my days were mostly the same, I started staring out the window not just towards Ponyville but to the regions of Equestria beyond. I got bored more frequently and sometimes would just stop in the middle of an activity because I wanted to do something else and while there was plenty to do in Canterlot and the castle, I found myself torn between a few ideas that I didn’t want to do any of.
Luna noticed me staring out towards the horizon once in the middle of the week and asked me what I was looking at. “Out there,” I told her. “I want to see what it is like out there. I’ve spent all my time in Canterlot Castle and in Ponyville. I want to see what else there is to see in Equestria.”
“You could spend an entire lifetime doing that, depending on how long of a look you desire and how important the place is.”
“It’d be worth the travel.”
Towards the end of the week, I was cuddling with Luna in her suite. I was lying down on her belly again and she had her wings wrapped around me. While Luna was being particularly affectionate, I couldn’t appreciate it or return it. She went to kiss me again and I turned my head away from her so that she only kissed my cheek. When I turned back around, there was a disconcerting look in her face and her blue eyes were worried.
“…you’re restless,” she said.
I nodded.
“Don’t leave,” Luna said, almost pleading.
“How do you mean?”
“Are you going to ask Celestia to use her magic again?”
“No. The consequences are too much.”
Luna pulled her hooves around me and drew me in for a hug, like she didn’t want to let me go. I closed my eyes as I hugged her back. “Why…? Why can’t you settle down?”
“I don’t know.”
“You said it yourself. You’re safer than you’ve ever felt. You finally found those who love you and appreciate you. And yet… you still can’t settle down.”
“Perhaps it’s just curiosity,” I said, trying to be comforting but not even sure of that myself.
Luna wasn’t either. “You’ve always been able to use the library.”
I sat there, thinking.
“…you’re thinking of leaving to explore, aren’t you?”
“You’re reading my mind.”
“You’re half asleep.”
“True…”
“…perhaps a little exploration would do you good.”
“Luna… I don’t want you to think I’m running away…”
“No. I understand. Maybe… maybe this place isn’t home. But where would you go?”
“Anywhere. I’ve got all of Equestria to find out. Maybe I’ll come back in the end.”
Luna nuzzled my neck and head. “I’ll be watching you. With the moon.”
“…thank you.”
“But… stay here at least a little while longer.”
I opened my eyes and went to kiss her, but she too turned away and I kissed her cheek. “I’ll leave before dawn.”
“…goodbye, Lucas.”
“It’s not really ‘goodbye’. It’s more like ‘see you later’.” I kissed her again, and this time she didn’t turn away. She kissed me on the lips, and even her kiss didn’t want to let go; I felt her cool fur even after she pulled away. “I promise you I’ll come back.”
Luna nodded and gave me a sad smile as I drifted off in her wings. “I’ll be watching you. And waiting for you… my light.”