Roseluck sat on her bed in the psychiatric ward on the top floor of Ponyville Hospital. The room was echoingly empty, lit by a single overhead light and the setting sun shining through her small window. Outside she could hear the hooting of an owl and the harsh chirping of cardinals. She glanced in the direction of the window, but it wasn't worth getting up to look out. There was nothing to see out the back of the hospital, she reminded herself, only the tops of trees.
She glanced down at the blank pad of paper lying in front of her folded forelegs: her writing assignment, due in a couple hours. "It can be a letter, a poem, a retrospective journal, an essay, whatever you like," Dr. Hardy Spirit had said. "Just get your current mood on paper and start tracing it back. And if you can, express the mood itself in two words."
It wasn't as though she had anything else to do. News was depressing, puzzles could only interest her for so long, and she certainly wasn't about to talk to the other patients. They...belonged here.
She took a pencil in her mouth and tried once again to start a letter to her parents. Mom, Dad, it's me, Rose. No, that wouldn't do. Her name would be on the envelope; they would know the letter was from her. She tore off the page and started again.
I'm afraid I have some bad news. No, those ominous words would only inspire a growing sense of dread.
I regret to inform you that I have been diagnosed... Absolutely not—that was formal and impersonal, and these were her parents. Her parents whom she hadn't spoken to since that...visit six months ago. Parents who cared about her. Why wasn't she thinking of them last night?
Feeling a knot in her stomach, she dropped the pencil and took a sip of water. Rose tried to clear her mind by taking in her surroundings. The walls were an ivory color, almost the exact hue of her coat. The trim around the room was a rich maroon with pink stripes, just like her mane and tail. The other rooms she'd seen all had green or blue walls. Did they place her in this room because she matched its color? Maybe I belong here after all.
Rose returned to her task. She took a deep breath and exhaled, and along with the air she let go the idea of writing a letter in her present condition. She was too likely to say something she'd regret. She had already abandoned her attempt at a poem; anything artistic just rang false to her right now. The thought occurred to her to write something she would never attempt in her right mind. I guess that's appropriate, she mused. She tore off the top sheet of paper and picked up her pencil to begin an introspective analysis.
Roseluck, patient at Ponyville Hospital, April 3.
Current mood:
She paused. This assignment was pointless. And not merely the assignment. Agreeing to accompany the paramedics to the hospital "just to get checked out," being put on medication and kept for observation, being weighed at every meal, the little "What Do You Want" group session that had imparted no information of any help to her—the whole thing was a waste, a delay, keeping her from any actual work at correcting her mistake and setting things right. In fact, it was almost enough to make her wonder whether it was a mistake after all.
Well, there was her answer. She scribbled on the notepad: Current mood: Generally resentful.
"Well, that was the hard part," she said to herself. "I've started."
Tracing the mood back was the next step. How did she get there? Easy enough; she was there because she was here. Since when did ponies get put in psych wards for making a bad decision? It was probably wrong morally, she supposed, perhaps foolish, but she'd wanted out, and considering she had no future, it made sense.
Alright, diagnosing her as depressed made sense, too. Therefore antidepressants, therefore watching her to make sure there were no ill effects. But from what she could tell, most of the dozen or so ponies here were barking mad, in one case literally. Her case was different. Wasn't it? Rose wondered what her recent actions must look like to her friends. Was this what it was like to be crazy? To seem totally sane in all you see and do and yet court destruction every step of the way? Had she brought all this on herself from day one?
Rose set her hooves on the floor, stretched her legs, and yawned. She walked into the tiny bathroom and looked at her reflection. There were bags under her green eyes, and her short-cropped mane was ratty from an afternoon in and out of bed. It occurred to her that she hadn't slept in thirty-two hours. The previous night and early morning had alternated between a whirlwind of activity and long stretches of waiting for one doctor or other who might have arrived at any moment...but didn't for an hour or more.
She looked at the mirror once more and tried to imagine herself lying in bed asleep. She shuddered as the mental image reminded her of her aunt's head lying in that coffin, next to her heart and hooves. Aunt Rosebud had the reverse of her colors, a red coat and yellow-white mane, but once had a face remarkably similar to her own in some old photographs.
"I guess that's where it really started," she said. She went back to the bed, standing over it this time, and drew a line beneath what she had written. How I Got Here was her next header. She drew a number one underneath and circled it. Next to it she wrote: The Loss of My Aunt.
***
Six Months Earlier...
"I've got a letter here for Roseluck." The brown mail pony handed an envelope to Rose and went on his way happily. She closed the door and took out a letter from her parents. Her aunt had been in a carriage accident. There were no details, only that the service would be held on Wednesday there in Hollow Shades. Rose felt a stabbing pain in her belly. Her aunt had raised her for three years while her parents had dealt with problems in their relationship. The nervousness she felt every time she'd visited her parents' old house always evaporated like dew in the sun of Aunt Rosebud's smile. Now all those years of anxiety seemed to return all at once.
As she stood there reading the letter for the third time, two pink ponies came in the door. One's mane and tail were colored yellow; the other's were a light green. Her housemates Lily and Daisy were home.
"We're back with supper," Lily said, setting a large arrangement of sunflowers on the kitchen table. "And I got some more olive oil to give these some extra flavor."
Best not to spoil their day by burdening them with this, Rose thought. "Oh, hi," she replied softly. "That'll be good. I'm hungry."
Daisy lowered an eyebrow. "What's wrong? You're not your usual chipper self."
"Nothing, just a little preoccupied. Listen, I'll be going to Hollow Shades to visit my family for a few days. I haven't seen them in a while."
"Everything going okay between you and your folks?" Daisy asked.
Rose shook her head but wouldn't meet Daisy's concerned gaze. "No, it's nothing like that. We get along fine. It's just, I haven't seen them in a while."
"Like you said," Lily commented. "Well, this is a slow season, so I can handle your sales while you're gone. Take all the time you need. I hope you have a great time."
Rose forced a smile. Every "great time" she'd had in Hollow Shades was always with her aunt. "Thanks. I'm sure I will."
***
At the Hospital...
Roseluck winced at her assurances to her friends; there'd been no need to lie. But how could she be expected to cope with something so sudden? It still amazed her that Aunt Rosebud was gone. The woman was always full of energy, always moving. Roseluck's thoughts shifted back to the motionless head in the coffin. First it was Rosebud's, then her own. How much of her own happiness had her aunt taken with her when she left?
Rose stopped writing her memories. Enough of this, she thought. She'd rather dwell on a less personal reason for her sorrow. The big one, the longstanding one, stared her in the face. Starting a new page, she wrote and circled a large two and wrote, Financial Ruin. An exaggeration? She considered marking it out. She still technically had her business and a place to live. But no, ruin was what this felt like. She was no longer her own mare. Money problems had left her a scared little filly even before her aunt's accident.
***
Six Months Earlier...
"Yes, can I help you?" said a gravelly but polite voice.
Rose momentarily panicked at the sight of a strange stallion answering the door of her own home. She quickly gathered her senses. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm at the wrong house." She scurried away as quickly as she could. Of course that wasn't her house anymore. How could she possibly make such a mistake two months after moving in with Lily and Daisy? She desperately hoped the new owner wouldn't recognize her if he saw her again.
Wondering if any bystanders had witnessed her blunder, she rushed inside Lily and Daisy's house—and hers, she reminded herself—and dropped off her saddlebags inside. "So how was Hollow Shades?" Lily asked.
"Same as always, reliving a lot of old memories," Rose said, trying to fake the joyful tone she used in her flower sales.
"Did you get to see your Aunt Rosebud?" Lily asked.
"Um, yes, as a matter of fact. Where's Daisy?"
"She 's still finishing up at the market, doing the monthly bookkeeping. She should be back any minute. Did you and your aunt have fun?"
"Bookkeeping? That reminds me," Rose said, "rent's coming due, isn't it? I appreciate your hospitality last month, but I'd like to do my part this time around. How much will a third of the bill come to?"
Lily's ears folded back as she looked at Rose uneasily. "Well, you see, I really... Daisy and I talked, and the way things are going right now... How about..." She cleared her throat and steadied herself. "We decided the fair thing to do is pay the rent out of the total sales from the three of us."
"You decided?" Rose answered Lily.
Daisy entered just then. "Decided what?"
Lily explained. "I was just letting Rose know the three of us can pool our take-home pay instead of each paying rent out of our own earnings. Like you said, it's more friendly that way."
Rose decided to press the issue. "Friendly would be saying something to me first. If you'd asked my input, I'd tell you I am perfectly capable of providing my share."
Daisy studied the floor. "Well, um, I did our books today, and you didn't sell enough to cover that."
Rose gasped. "Not even a third of the rent?"
"Sweetie, everypony has downturns and dry spells," Lily said. "And in times like that we're here for you. You don't need to feel like you owe us anything. The reason we're putting the sales together is so you'll still be able to contribute something. You still have your dignity. But let us help."
Rose was about to object when she noticed Daisy shoot Lily a disapproving look. Lily's eyes grew apologetic, but her voice was steady: "I'm sorry, but it doesn't change the facts."
If you have to be told you have dignity, you don't, Rose pondered. In the space of a year she'd gone from first-prize winner at the flower show to a charity case. Moving their flowers from the front of their house to the busiest area of the market had helped Lily and Daisy's sales, while she still struggled even though her kiosk was right between their booths. Everypony still saw her out there selling flowers, giving the appearance of a proper, self-supporting adult, and her friends hadn't found out about her personal debts...yet. But she was already an object of pity and evidently didn't have any say in the matter.
Rose thanked her friends and went upstairs to unpack her saddlebags. On her bed was a small stack of mail, including three envelopes with no name or business listed above the return address. She knew what those were about. It was just a matter of time before the collectors came for all she had left. Rose knew she wasn't a particularly brave pony, but she feared shame more than poverty. Eventually that fear was bound to become reality.
***
At the Hospital...
So much for not being personal, Rose thought. It occurred to her for the first time that now she would have hospital bills in addition to her other troubles. Just how long would they keep her here? Two more whole days, wasn't it? She dreaded the inevitable plea for help she would have to make to her family the next time they spoke. Bailed out at her age, after showing such promise, and for something she couldn't even admit to publicly! If this exercise was supposed to help her out of her depression, she thought, it didn't seem to be working.
She finished sketching down her thoughts on her finances and moved on to point number three. Did she even dare write this one down? She supposed she had to; this one was the trigger. Her eyes teared up as she wrote, as ambiguously as possible: 3. Relationship.
***
Two Days Earlier...
Rose stepped out of the bathroom and adopted an ingratiating smile. "I'm really sorry about that, Sunny. I hope that didn't kill the mood." Killing the mood was an understatement. To get physically sick in the middle of a make-out session and barely make it out of sight in time (and not out of earshot at all) was mortifying...even if it had been the most interesting thing that had happened between her and Sunburst in weeks.
She wasn't really sick, she considered, only nervous. Could they rekindle the fire they'd lost? Could she get him comfortable talking about some practical plan for the future? About when and how to let things out in the open? He was her confidant, the one pony who knew of all her recent troubles. If only they could be together... She knew her problems wouldn't just go away, but she was sure she could endure anything if only she could be with him. He was her last hope to regain happiness, the one thing that hadn't fallen apart. Tonight was the night she was determined to learn whether he still needed her. So far it wasn't looking good; he seemed preoccupied. Then again, he had said he was tired.
The orange-yellow earth pony was still on the couch. He gave her an understanding grin that almost put her at ease. "It's actually a good opportunity for a segue," he said. "You've made me plenty happy today, but I want to put your needs first. Right now you're nervous and we both have things that need saying. And not just about the past month or so; I've been thinking about where we're going."
Roseluck leaned in, hopeful. "Rosie," he said, "when I first saw you that day by the fountain, everything felt so natural. I was so at ease talking to you. Your smiles have always brought me joy, and your pain has always been my pain as well. I knew from the beginning that I could never do anything that would cause you lasting harm."
Something's wrong, she thought as he continued. The words sounded rehearsed and not a little ominous. If this really was about her needs... "Sunny, I apologize for interrupting, but what I need right now is a dialogue. Why are you giving me a speech?"
Her normally fast-on-his-hooves boyfriend froze. Eventually he said, "I need to do this. I just... I wanted you to understand why..."
"Who is she?" Rose asked softly. Her eyes began to quiver in the silence that followed. "Does she live here in Ponyville, or do you see her out of town?"
He broke eye contact. "How did, I mean, who are you ta—"
"I knew it!" Rose broke down. After a moment, she noticed Sunburst kept his distance. He knew she was a crier, and he'd always been quick to comfort her. For now he stood by, which she took as a small relief.
After several long minutes, her weeping began to subside. Sunburst joined her on the floor and spoke. "I owe you an answer. She's nopony you know; she lives in Appleloosa." She looked at him, mystified, as he returned to understanding mode. "Rosie, I want to thank you for everything. You've made me a better stallion than I ever thought I could be. You taught me how to do this whole love thing. But I need a family, a future, something long-term. And that requires somepony I can be open with, and open about."
"Sunny, you could always tell me anything."
"But I could never tell the world that I loved you. How would this ever have worked out? You wanted this a secret from your friends because of my history with Daisy, and last time you saw your parents you told them you weren't seeing anypony. For two years we haven't been able to do anything but meet in my house or someplace else alone and either make out or talk."
Rose's eyes flashed fire. "I wasn't. Your only. Secret. Was I?"
Sunburst sighed. "She and I will be out in the open as soon as she moves here. Next month."
"Right after you've swept me out like trash?"
Somehow daring to touch her, Sunburst put a hoof on her shoulder. "Hey. You are a wonderful mare with a bright future. I'm sorry that I can't be part of it. Everything about tonight breaks my heart, but you need a stallion you can let into your life. I waited as long as I could, but this hurt was inevitable."
His reassurances went on and on, but none addressed his breach of faith. When she got a word in edgewise, she excused herself and left his house with a simple goodbye.
Rose's mind raced as she trudged home. Sunburst seemed confident he'd done exactly the right thing every step of the way. She tried to think of any point in their relationship that wasn't a mistake on her part, in light of tonight's revelation. She couldn't come up with anything. And he was her one and only, ever! Only he had ever shown any interest. Where was her "bright future"? Hawking flowers nopony would buy? Sponging off her friends? Losing more of her family?
As she passed by the fountain, she gazed at her reflection in the water. She looked just like she felt. She couldn't go home like this. Lily and Daisy would still be up, and what could she possibly say to them? She walked on, all the way to the edge of town, and continued to the Everfree Forest.
Stepping into the trees just far enough to be out of sight, she lay down on the grass, expecting to cry herself to sleep. This time the tears wouldn't come. She felt bone dry from forelock to fetlock. After a few minutes she began softly singing to herself, a lullaby she'd learned from her aunt. Rose drifted off to sleep amid memories of her time as a filly.
The next morning she arrived at the doorstep just as Lily and Daisy stepped out for work. "Rose, we were so worried!" Lily said. "Where have you been?"
Exhausted despite a much longer sleep than she'd anticipated, Rose didn't have the energy to compose a cover story. "I'll tell you later. Right now I'm not feeling well, so I won't be coming with you today." She walked between them into the house.
Daisy's eyebrows rose. She turned around after her. "What is it? Do you need a doctor?"
Rose started up the staircase to her room. "No, I'm not sick. I just need to be..."
She was stopped by a tone of voice Daisy usually reserved for problem customers. "Rose!" Daisy's voice softened again. "Dear, you don't look sick, you look shaken up. If...if something happened that you're...hurt, you need to be with somepony. You don't need to say anything right now, but this is no time to be by yourself."
"It's not that!" Rose shouted. Desperate for solitude, she lowered her volume but not her intensity. "I said I'm not feeling well enough to come in. I'm asking you to accept that as my reason."
Lily and Daisy exchanged a helpless look.
"Please?" Rose said.
Her two friends went on to work. Alone, Rose drooped her head and whispered to herself, "They actually left me?"
***
At the Hospital...
As Rose pondered whether to add a fourth point, she heard a knock on the open door. Nurse Snowheart stood in the doorway. "Roseluck, I just wanted to let you know, the doctor would like to visit with you in a few minutes if you'd care to head on over to the recreation room." Rose nodded and the nurse disappeared down the hallway.
It was time. She looked down at her pad of paper. There was plenty of fodder for discussion, Rose thought. She frowned as she tried to picture her upcoming conversation with the doctor. Much of what she had written was unknown to everypony she loved, and this doctor was a stranger. But, she assured herself, he was a professional; everything would be confidential.
Then Rose remembered: she had signed a lot of papers that morning. She was sure one was a waiver of confidentiality. What had it said? Something about any matter regarding harming herself or others? But wasn't that why she couldn't leave, why she was here in the first place? She hated the idea of her friends and family hearing her darkest secrets from a stranger who might take anything she said in the worst possible way.
Gathering the pages she'd used in her analysis, Rose ripped them from the pad, just as she had her first few aborted attempts at writing. She almost wadded them up but paused. They may yet help her reason things out, but they were for no eyes but her own. She looked around for a place they wouldn't be disturbed by anypony changing the bed sheets, monitoring her, or cleaning. With a flash of insight, she folded the pages in thirds letter-style and placed them behind the clock on the wall.
But what of her assignment? Picking up the pencil once more, she sat over the empty pad and hastily drew a memory: her as a filly riding in a carriage with her Aunt Rosebud. She looked at the picture. Something a foal might have scribbled, she thought. But not bad for two minutes' work, and something harmless the doctor could interpret any way he liked without her having to give up too much.
Rose arrived with her notepad to find Dr. Hardy Spirit already seated at one of the center tables in the recreation room. In one corner, a unicorn worked a jigsaw puzzle while two earth ponies chatted at the other end of the room.
"Hello, Roseluck," the doctor said as she joined him at the table. In his voice she detected an odd mix of warmth and professional detachment that she found a bit unsettling. "How are you doing this evening?"
"I'm still not sure," she admitted.
"Any thoughts from today that you'd like to share?"
She took a moment to consider how much of herself to give away. "Just that it seems like everything that needs fixing is out there, while I'm stuck in here."
If the doctor considered her statement important, he didn't show it. "Let's see what you've got for me," he said, nodding at her pad of paper. She showed him the drawing of her and her aunt in the carriage. He studied the scribbled scene. "You're the filly in this picture?" She nodded and he continued. "And who is this next to you?"
Rose answered, "That's my aunt."
"You look happy here. Did you enjoy your time with your aunt back then?"
"Yes," she said carefully. "She took me riding whenever I felt down."
The doctor continued his line of questioning. "Does your aunt still ride in carriages?"
Such a harmless question, Rose thought, but she could feel herself tensing up. "N-no."
Dr. Hardy met her eyes for a second. "I see. Were you a filly when she died?"
Rose let out a sigh. He must have known from the moment she'd shown him the picture. "No, only a few months ago."
"That must have been hard. Did you talk to anypony about it?"
"Sunburst, my boyfriend at the time."
"So in only a few months you lost your aunt and your boyfriend?"
"Well, I wouldn't put it like that. He's healthy, but we're not together anymore."
"And so your friends who brought you here gave you a place to stay?" The doctor pursed his lips, evidently rethinking his last question. "Pardon me if I'm assuming too much, but they seem like the kind of ponies who would do something like that, and they say they found you at home."
"Actually, I've been living with them for quite a while, just until my business picks up ag..." Rose stopped mid-sentence as she realized she had now revealed virtually everything she'd decided not to tell him about.
Dr. Hardy waited a few seconds before speaking. "Well, I'm encouraged that you're already thinking ahead about your business, and that you have such caring friends. I'd like to meet with you again this time tomorrow. In the meantime, I have a new assignment for you. Let me get you a fresh pad of paper, since that one's mostly used up."
He offered her a fresh notepad, and by comparing the two she could see she'd used up over half the pages of the first one that afternoon. He knows I was hiding something!
The doctor spoke. "You said everything that needs fixing is 'out there.' I'd like to suggest to you that there is something you can start fixing here. Think beyond events and consider how you approach life, how you respond to what happens and how you interact with those around you. What issues of attitude and outlook do you see that might make the difference between where you are now and where you'd like to be? You don't need to feel any pressure to find the answers right now; your task is only to discover the questions." He then engaged her in small talk for a few minutes before saying good night. Rose let the conversation drift and then end, unsure whether everything he said was a probe for information or whether he was just being nice.
Back in her room, Rose's weariness and frustration returned. How could she have thought she could keep secrets from somepony who studies minds? He had spoken with her friends; would he talk to them again? Would he tell them what he knew? And to think that it wasn't even events that he was concerned with! She should have been considering attitudes all along! This wasn't day one of my recovery , Rose thought as she dropped into her bed. Just another day wasted.
***
In her dreams that night, Roseluck found herself back in the house she shared with Lily and Daisy, still reeling from the previous night's breakup. It was now late afternoon, and her friends would be home in less than an hour. By lunchtime she had made her decision to escape. But she had spent the afternoon hesitating, getting lost in thought, rethinking just how to go about it, and just plain putting it off. Now she ran the risk of being discovered, prevented, and forced to explain herself. She sighed. Procrastination was one more problem she wouldn't have to deal with much longer.
Rose went into the bathroom and took out the xylazine shots Lily occasionally used to help her sleep. Enough doses and she would simply fall asleep and never wake up. Whatever lay ahead, if anything, would be peaceful, or at least better than this. Major traumas and mundane annoyances would lose their hold on her and she would be free.
Having administered Lily's remaining supply of shots, Rose went to her bed and waited for the inevitable. Within a minute she was suddenly nervous about the whole exercise. She closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing as she felt the energy draining from her. In a short time she felt her heartbeat accelerate and her joints stiffen. Her legs straightened out and splayed outward as her head began to swim.
Rose's dream continued as the clock struck six times. She saw Lily gallop into the room with Daisy close behind her. They screamed at the sight of her, a shaking, drooling mess soaked with sweat. Her vision blurred and then resolved into the form of the night sky. Was she being carried? Her eyes caught sight of a crescent moon on a patch of violet, and she heard an unfamiliar voice, firm but caring: "You must stay and smile again."