"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, we came as quickly as we could!" Twilight almost shouts at the two tall figures on the landing.
I quickly bow before them, the last thing I need right now is to piss her off and get fried to a crisp by the sun… or something. All the rest of the ponies follow my lead, including the guards, but not Twilight. A little strange to bow like this, it's more like kneeling halfway, but I'm getting used to strange shit, so I just improvise.
We all straighten up and the guards walk backwards a little bit before turning around and leaving.
SLAM
I jump at the sound of the huge doors being slammed on the guards' exit.
"My little ponies, thank you for coming," queen bitch says, in an almost motherly tone, but with a very sorrowful expression.
"Princess…" Twilight starts.
"Not here Twilight, please, follow me," Celestia interrupts.
Everyone starts walking towards the stairs.
I swear, if this bitch offers me a banana...
Ok, stairs are new. I just stare at the first step for a while.
"Ya comin' RD?" Applejack asks me, looking down at me from a few steps up.
"Yeah." One foot… hoof at a time. I manage to climb the stairs slowly. Going down is gonna be another story.
Of course… yet another large room. Same fairy tale castle decorations, tapestries, stain glass windows, velvet carpet, the works. It's actually starting to grow on me… No! Bad brain! I don't like this shiny pony shit!
The big white one finally pipes up, "I'm sure Twilight has told you all… I suspect Discord has gone rogue again."
The ponies murmur at this, except Twilight who asks, "But Princess, everything's normal. I don't see any chaos."
"Yeah, there's no chocolate rain…" Pinkie adds in a very somber tone, with an almost-pouty face.
"Or popcorn-on-the-cob and giant apples," Apple jack points out.
"Or freakishly mutated bunny rabbits," Fluttershy suggests.
"Or those tacky cotton candy clouds," Rarity adds.
"Or those delicious chocolate-raining cotton candy clouds!" Pinkie adds again.
"I am well aware. However, Discord himself is still missing, and this note was found in his chambers," Celestia adds.
A little piece of paper floats over to Twilight. " 'Off to cause some chaos. BRB.' Princess, what's a 'BRB'?"
"I'm not quite sure, this doesn't make any sense."
For some reason there's a long awkward silence, as if the ponies expect something to happen.
When nothing does, I clear my throat. "Be right back."
"Where you off to, RD?" Applejack asks.
Queen bitch looks at me.
"Nowhere. BRB is… 'Be Right Back' " I clarify.
"Oh… I see."
"Um, Princess, we have a teensy little problem with Rainbow Dash…" Twilight says bashfully.
"Oh? What's seems to be the trouble?" Celestia asks.
"Oh, it's nothing," Twilight starts, "She seems to have very minor case of… COMPLETE amnesia. I tried a few spells myself, but nothing worked."
The Princess turns to me and walks closer. Damn she's tall. She actually has to kneel down to meet my eye level. "What can you remember, my little pony?" She asks, giving me a gentle smile, yet to me, it's completely unnerving.
"Ummmmmm..." Shit, fuck... better look as confused as possible until I can think of something.
"Are you in pain, Rainbow?"
"Huh? No."
"Well, you looked like- oh, never mind."
"I guess I just remember waking up on a cloud and all of Twilight's memories about me."
"What do you mean?" She looks over to Twilight. "Twilight, did you…? do… what I think you did?"
"I… thought it would help!" Twilight defends herself.
A slightly annoyed sigh comes from Celestia. Her breath smells like flowers. More like roses. Not really the best smell. "I see… Well, do you mind if I have a look?"
…Good Game. Guess this is it. "Sure…"
Celestia looks at me and hesitates. "…If you don't want me to, I won't."
"Well… I think I've had enough mind invasion for one day." Church 1, ponies 0. Wait, I'm a pony… Church 1, dumb ponies 0.
"Well, we can work this out later. I'm sure Rainbow's memory will return on its own soon." Celestia says to the others, she looks at me and continues, "For now, I just need you to be strong for your friends, and use your element should you have to."
The other princess, the blue one, wanders towards us. She looks tired. Dead tired. She's all wobbly on her feet.
"Art thou…" she shakes her head, "Are you capable, Rainbow Dash?" She asks from behind half-lidded eyes.
"I dunno... are you ok?"
"We are very tired. We… I have not slept since yesterday. Or was that the day before? Our internal calendar has suffered from our sleep deprivation, it seems."
She looks like she's about to fall over. Somebody get this bitch a cup of coffee, damn. "And why haven't you slept...?"
"We intend to be awake for this event with Discord. Being the Princess of the Night, I had slept through the last time, when the Bringer of Chaos escaped his stone imprisonment… And I also slept through the entire changeling invasion of Canterlot… So we will be awake this time…" She says, almost nodding off.
"Oh Luna, you look like you're about to fall over! Won't you please get some sleep?"
"Not this time, sister," she says defiantly.
"Hmm… well…" Celestia turns to the rest of us, "Discord is nowhere to be found, so you all must find some clue as to where he went, and if possible, track down the draconequus himself. Do you have the Elements, Twilight?"
Twilight levitates the book out of her saddlebags and opens it to show Celestia.
She gives a little smirk at the contents and says, "Good. I still agree with Spike though, you should keep them on display in the library."
"Well, I agree that they would make a beautiful decoration for the library, but I'm just worried that they'll be affected by some stray magic from all the spells I'm always working on."
"You worry too much, my faithful student. Alright everypony, I think it would be best if you would start the search in Discord's chambers."
"And make haste, we are tired," Luna adds.
"Right! Let's go!" Twilight says.
"Oh, before you go, would anypony care for some fruit?" Did Celestia just…
That's it, I'm outta here! I'm not getting blasted off to the moon! Fuck that! I get up off the carpet and run for the door!
A minute later I hear hooves pounding the floor behind me.
"WHOA, GIRL! Hold up!" It's Applejack.
Suddenly I feel a strong tugging on my ass. That, and my little pony hooves loose traction and I stop moving. A quick glance behind me AJ has my fag-flag tail gripped firmly between her teeth. I give up running in place, my head hung low in defeat. She walks over to face me and looks at me questioningly.
"I... uh… don't like fruit?"
"Now lookie here RD… I know there's something ya ain't tellin' us."
"Uh… no?"
"I can't rightly say I know what's goin' on in that there noggin o' yours, and maybe y'all do have amnesier," she shrugs. How can they shrug like that? "But I just want to let you know that we'll always be your friends and we'll be behind ya no matter what choice ya make. Even if ya do wanna move away to Los Pegasus."
"Oh… kay…?" I have no idea what she's talking about!
"But I still can't shake the feeling y'all are hidin' something from us, amnesier or not. When you're good 'n ready to tell us, jus' go ahead. I promise ya, I won't be mad. C'mon, let's head back. Our friends are waitin'."
"Sure..." I follow her as she walks off.
"Oh there you are darling," Rarity says from behind a happy façade.
"Are you ok Rainbow? What was that all about?" Says Twilight, showing genuine concern.
Pinkie and Fluttershy remain depressingly quiet. I look at Applejack, her hat's hung low and despite the little pep talk she gave me, it's pitifully obvious that she's sad too. All because of me and my botched birthday wish. They're sad, I'm stuck in a lesbian cartoon pony's body, this sucks for both parties and I want it to be over fast.
Activating poker face.
"I'm so sorry Rainbow, I didn't mean to upset you."
What? No, this, this… it's my poker face. Not my upset face, my poker face. Dammit.
"Well, never mind," Twilight dismisses. "Let's get going," She says as she walks out the doors.
"Go where?" I ask.
Twilight looks back to me- DAMN they can turn their heads far! Can horses do that? "Discord's… bedroom."
I wonder if I can do that too?
"Maybe we can find some clues… Rainbow, what are you looking at?"
I whip my head back forwards to face Twilight again. "Oh, nothing."
"Um… aren't you… going in?" I gesture at the plain wooden door. It would look like a closet or something, if it wasn't covered in posters and stickers like a teenager's bedroom door. It even has a 'do not enter' street sign…
"I guess we have to..." Twilight concedes, but neither her nor anyone else makes any effort to open the door.
I sigh and reach for the door knob. Wait. I don't have fingers. How in the hell… why would they make door knobs?! That's so dumb!
"Alright, enough dilly-dallyin." Applejack walks up to the door. "Well ain't that just like the rascal, puttin' up posters of himself."
I take another look at the posters on the door. All of them feature this weird (and familiar) looking creature. Except for one. A poster of Fluttershy modeling a stylish dress. Huh.
With a skilled proficiency that I could never hope to achieve, Applejack turns the door knob and nudges the door. It creaks as it swings open. She audibly gulps and treads warily into the darkness. "Uh, a little light here Twi? Oh wait. I found a light chain."
Click-click
Damn that's bright! After my eyes adjust, I chance a peek inside the room… Hey, it's not a room at all, it's outside!
We all walk in. The first thing I notice, other than being outside when I should be inside, is that the floor is different. It's not hard marble or even velvet carpet… it's grass. Pink grass, with a checkerboard pattern. Oh hey there's that pull chain for the light. I trace it upwards (ow my eyes) straight up to the sun.
Clocks melted over tree branches. A house floating a hundred feet off the ground, upside down. A life size sand castle. A house of cards… cards bigger than me. There's a mountain off in the distance that looks like it's made of ice cream, and the snow on top is whipped cream. I keep looking around and… hey wait, where's the castle? It's not here! The door… is just a door frame! Just standing there, still open to the castle hallway we came from.
Man this is some trippy shit.
"Whoa nelly, this is just downright weird!"
"Tacky is more like it," Rarity snobbishly replies.
"I dunno, I kinda like it in here!" Pinkie seems to brighten up.
"It's… scary," Fluttershy peeps.
"This… is Discord's bedroom?" Twilight asks in confusion.
"Makes sense to me! He likes things to be all chaos-y waos-y! Right?" Pinkie exclaims.
"Well. What now?" AJ asks.
I clear my throat. "Alright gang, let's split up and look for clues."
My Scooby Doo reference goes completely unnoticed by Twilight, who answers, "Um… I guess so. Why don't you and Fluttershy check out the… uh… over-there area?" She points to the gingerbread plains. "Rarity and Pinkie Pie check over there," she points to the fudgy marshlands. "And Applejack, you're with me."
Me and Fluttershy look at each other. And we take the yellow brick road in the direction Twilight pointed. No. Literally. It's a road paved with yellow bricks.
We pass candy cane trees on the way to the gingerbread mansion over here. This isn't a bedroom. It's goddamn world.
"So, wanna check out that place?" I ask Flutters.
"Um, I guess so…"
Her enthusiasm amazes me. It's about the same as mine, actually. I sigh and look down at the red grass. It looks like…
Sniff
Licorice? Ah, what the hell. I'll take a bite of grass, I'm a horse anyway.
Oh hey, it is licorice. Yum. Fluttershy gives me a funny look.
"Try some."
She reluctantly does so, and looks pleasantly surprised as she munches the sticky candy.
"Hey Flutters, what's it like to fly, like how easy is it?"
She looks uneasy about the question, but answers anyway, "Well… I was never very good at it… but still, after a while, it just comes naturally."
"Oh... so it's not something that you can teach?"
"So you did forget how to fly…" She says sadly, pawing the licorice grass. "I wouldn’t really be good enough to teach you…" She looks up and sees my best puppy dog eyes, "…but I guess I could try…"
YES! SCORE!
I walk closer to Flutters. "So um, where do we start?"
"Well… um… spread out your wings…"
"Uhhhhhh…" The hell? I did it earlier. I wiggle my back around a bit, trying to find the muscles, but I just can't, all I feel is the tickle of feathers brushing against fur. (It's kind of a neat feeling actually. Don't judge me.) I twist around a bit... oh, hey… kinda working. I think… I…
POMF
"AH HA!"
"Good… now um, give them a flap."
Flap
Flap
I… actually felt that being wrong.
"Oh, good… but um… you need to kind of arch them on the way up… sort of." She extends a wing and demonstrates the motion.
Flap
Flap
Flap
Hey! I actually got some lift going on here!
"Good! Now you just need to…"
CRASH
"…work on your control..."
Ow.
Pthhtooie. I spit out a couple of waffles, and try to dislodge myself from this waffle bush.
"That was um… a really good try, Rainbow…"
I feel like my eyes are rolling around in my skull. I shake my head to clear my vision.
"I was never good at hovering when I was little… maybe you should try flying in a straight line."
"Mmk. I'll give it a go." I'M FLYING! "WEEEEEEEEEE!"
CRASH
"OOF! Ow." I made it about ten yards then I fell and rolled on the ground. It's kinda fun though, minus the pain. Nothing but air under my feet (goddammit) hooves, it's nice.
I shake myself like a wet dog drying off to dislodge any licorice and waffles stuck in my coat from all this contact with candyland. As I finish, I hear a strange laughter… deep manly laughter, but not something I'd call evil… coming from over by the giant gingerbread house.
"Um… Flutters, I hear someone over there," I point a hoof to the house.
"Oh, my… Um, I don't know, should we go look?"
"Maybe we should get the others first."
"Ok, let's go find them."
I walk back down the road, with Flutters following close behind. Every so often I do a wing-assisted jump for a little practice.
Can't hover worth shit though.
Oh, look, Twilight's walking this way, with Applejack in tow.
"Did you find anything, girls?" Twilight asks us.
"No, not really. But we heard someone laughing over there by the house," I respond, Flutters just nods lightly in agreement.
"Rainbow, could you fly over… actually, Fluttershy, do you think you could fly over and see who's over there?" Twilight commands.
"Oh… um… ok…"
"Well wouldn't it be better if we all went in together? What if Flutters gets caught?" Good guy Church, looks out for his team.
"Yeah, it might be a trap for all we know," Applejack adds.
"Hmm… maybe you're right, let's go get Rarity and Pinkie."
And we follow to somewhere near the door, where Rarity and Pinkie were waiting.
Twilight regales us with her part of the search. Something about trekking up an active volcano, where this Dick-cord guy's bed was hovering right over a pit of lava. And apparently his bed is a giant, live tongue with marshmallows for pillows and lasagna noodles for blankets. But no clues.
Twilight asks, "How did your search go girls?"
"It was fun!" Pinkie answers.
"Ugh… but we didn't find much of anything," Rarity says with clear distaste. Her hooves are covered in shi- probably chocolate, let's go with chocolate. Pinkie's face is covered in it.
Pinkie giggle-snorts. "Yeah but there was chocolate everywhere!"
"Well," Twilight starts, "Rainbow and Fluttershy said they heard laughter over by that house. Let's go check it out."
And so we do. We quietly sneak around back of the house, hiding behind the waffle-bushes, where we can clearly hear two dudes talking and laughing.
"You're so sweet…" One dude says… kind of seductively.
"Hehe stop teasing, it's just the chocolate," the other dude says, audibly splashing some liquid.
"Yeah it is the chocolate. And you're the marshmallow."
"Hey so are you."
"Yeah, just you and me. Two lonely marshmallows in this cup of hot cocoa. Mmm…"
Twilight bursts through the bushes. "Who are you two?! And what are you doing here?" She accuses.
The rest of us come out of hiding and we see a giant coffee mug halfway in the ground, filled to the brim with steaming, bubbling hot chocolate. There's pony guard armor pieces scattered around the ground and the two white ponies (two DUDES) sitting neck-deep in the drink / hot tub are starting to turn an even paler white than they were already.
"Uhhhhhh…" The one guy looks to the other one for an answer. And doesn't get one. He gives us a sheepish smile, and shrugs innocently. "It's not what it looks like?"