//------------------------------//
// Anniversary Bonus Chapter: Letters to Twilight 
// Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student 
// by milesprower06 
//------------------------------//

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
Letters to Twilight


Dear Twilight,

Do you even lift?

Signed,
Rainbow87dash



Dear Rainbow87dash,

I don't need to lift. I can lift with my mind. Any other fucking stupid questions you want to ask me? My time is even more damned valuable now that I'm royalty.

-Twilight





Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Now that you are a princess, what is your stance on illegal immigration? I've noticed a lot of foreign races who can just waltz right into the kingdom. Among these being griffons, cows, donkeys, mules, and the diamond dogs. Also, Equestrian Air Space appears to allow dragons to fly right overhead by the hundreds where they might be able to incinerate the kingdom with a bombardment of fire breath.

I sincerely hope you'll do better at National Security than Princess Celestia did.

Sincerely, a concerned unicorn citizen,
Epic Quest



To my faithful subject Epic Quest,

While I am flattered at what you believe has happened since I have been promoted, sadly, I have no say on National Security. My domain is Ponyville, but should you choose to move here, rest assured that while these lowly races may appear bothersome, they do have their uses. While I haven't seen a griffon since Gilda left two years ago, I'd be more than willing to partake in some target practice if I ever see one again. Cows are valuable only for their boobs and the milk in them. Donkeys and mules do the heavy cart pulling that would otherwise be given to those filthy dirt-loving earth ponies. Apparently, the only thing you need to do to keep dogs away is whine like a bitch. They seem to hate that.

As for your concern of dragons, the great dragon migration to Tamriel was indeed a worrisome time. I was not worried about being incinerated, rather I was concerned about being shat on by one of those passing fuckheads.

So I recommend you direct your security complaints to the Sun Bitch herself. Thank you for your time.

-Twilight





So...Twilight,

Ever think of looking to...other species for that special release you've been craving?

If you know what I mean.

Sincerely,
Jioplip


Dear Bitchy McBitchybitch,

I was wondering when you could come to our world so I could rape your bitch ass and send you crying to Celestia?

With love,
Stirred Brew


Dear Princess Twilight,

If you can't get the satisfaction you crave from ponies, then might I suggest finding yourself a human instead? Lots of endurance means more satisfaction.

And it just so happens that I know a guy who can help: Me. I mean, come on, have you seen the crap I write about you?!

Your loyal servant,
GeodesicDragon


Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered a portal to another world as the answer to your problems? Maybe you just need a nice relaxing (and sex filled) vacation away from those bubling ponies that can't seem to trot five steps without getting into trouble.

Sincerely yours,
SuperPinkBrony12

P.S. If you want me to screw you then I'll do so but you'd better use protection. And you should make sure no one finds out about it. But that's a big if.



Dear Jioplip, Stirred Brew, GeodesicDragon, and SuperPinkBrony12,

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. Special release? How about you try ANY release! And from your collective inter-dimensional correspondence, I'll assume that Jioplip means humans, as the rest of you do.

And to all of you, I say; are you fucking kidding me? I'm not sure what species you guys are, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't know the chance your taking when you try to love one of those...bipeds.

First off, have you seen how small the genitalia of the males are? I doubt I'd get any special OR normal release from them pounding me...even if they managed to last longer than 20 seconds, which I sincerely doubt.

Secondly, even if I lowered myself to engaging in intercourse with those disgusting creatures, protection is not a concern. The differing number of chromosomes make impregnation impossible.

The crap you write about me, Geodesic? You'd better hope that none of it finds it way into this dimension.

Lastly, I don't think they could handle the flawless sexual prowess that is my body. Hell, if they even saw a provocative picture of me they'd probably blow their load everywhere.

So in short, no. No humans.

-Twilight





Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

So...you're an alicorn now. You have the best of all three pony races. What was that about unicorn superiority?

Sincerely,
asmcint


Dear asmcint,

Unicorns who became alicorns are still superior to pegasi who became alicorns. Simply because we have to put more effort into it. Pegasi have to grow only one extra penis out of their forehead; we have to push TWO wings out of our backs.

Hope that answers your question.

-Twilight





Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you don't like the zegro, why don't you kill her? I doubt anyone would notice, and that way you could have one less minority around.

Your suggestive slave,
DeadlyArbitero


Dear DeadlyArbitero,

Zecora has her uses. To me, the most important thing is she brews up some seriously good shit. Not to worry. She knows her place. If she ever gets uppity, I have ways of making her fall back in line.

-Twilight





Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Since you have the magical prowess of an alicorn demigod, why not use it to get a well-deserved hot piece of flank? Or just use your powers to summon your own, er...pleasure assistant?

Sincerely,
Admiral Hoofsome


To Admiral Hoofsome,

Not to worry. I have my eyes set on five particular pleasure assistants of mine. I'm actually expecting them soon.

And the thought of me making love to myself is...well, somewhat arousing at times, but I'd prefer to have somepony do it that's not an apparition that will vanish when not needed. I'd rather it be a real pony who will forever know what an amazing lover I can be.

-Twilight





Dear Twilight,

Use your authority to “order” several guards to assist you with that release you crave.

Sincerely,
Leech


Dear Leech,

Unfortunately, I have not yet had my own detachment of guards assigned to me. There are still only the Solar Guards and the Night Watch. But I will keep that in mind, my faithful subject.

-Twilight





Dear Twilight,

Fuck you. That's for the time you turned me into a fucking dildo, you heartless jezebel.

Signed,
Go fuck yourself



Dear Go fuck yourself,

So I'm guessing it wasn't good for you too? Well gosh, that's a shame.

-Twilight





Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered joining the EWE?

Sincerely,
Joey


Dear Joey,

No. Physical contact sports aren't really my thing. Besides, while Pegasi are welcome to join with restrained wings during matches, Discord has forbidden all unicorns for safety reasons.

Besides, I don't think I could come up with a fitting ring name.

-Twilight





Dear Princess Twilight,

If you've ever been able to get your hooves on a stallion or two, do you prefer to spit or swallow?

Signed,
Eager to please


Dear Eager to please,

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna swallow! I just got promoted to royalty. I don't want that to come to an end by getting pregnant!

-Twilight





Dear Princess Twilight,

Hm, princess. Enjoying the title, or is it just another bland addition to what you've already got (Element of Magic, etc, etc)? I suppose that one could say the position's really difficult, but hey, princesses do what princesses want.

A shame you're still stuck in the boonies, but on the bright side, there's no one around to challenge you, at least no one that can walk away afterwards.

Good luck finally getting some, and have fun with the SSC.

Your Casual Bystander,
~Kailandi

P.S.
Maybe you should get a hobby or something. I hear Discord has a blast trolling Celestia, why not get in on some of that? I'm sure Luna might be willing to lend a hoof as well.


Dear Kailandi,

My official title is now the Princess of Magic. Yes, correct, I do what I want.

As long as I've been living in and tolerating this place, it's about damn time I was put in charge of it.

Yes, I am hoping the SSC goes well too, but Discord's EWE show is stealing some of my attendees. I'm honestly not surprised. These hicks love to see fake fights.

Sincerely,
Twilight





Dear Princess Twilight:

Have you considered a brothel as an option? It would certainly be easier than trying to fuck ponies off the street and failing miserably.

Or maybe Cloud Kicker would be willing to service you, since she's already fucked one Princess.

Yours truly,
Silver Dust


Dear Silver Dust,

Who says I haven't tried brothels? I mean, just because I didn't write it in a damn letter to Celestia?

Apparently, I'm too depressing to even pay for sex.

You want to know what I think? I think trying to get a princess off makes those whore ponies too nervous, and it affects their performance.

Whatever, I have plans for my friends. Don't you worry.

Sincerely,
Twilight