Tangent
“Well done Princess Celestia, you’ve prevented war again!” A cheer swept through the crowd of ponies looking onwards towards their favorite princess.
“I don’t see why your attempt to find holes in the Griffon Empire’s legal policies regarding backups was really necessary” the Princess shouted down at the one who lead the cheer. She was more ragged than normal, none of the ponies would admit it to themselves, but she was looking a bit worse for wear. “They have their laws for a reason, and no amount of charity in regards to technology, especially revolutionary technology such as our backup systems will change the fact that the majority of the populace does not want it.”
“Well I thought that since it could only help ensure peace-”
“No. It cannot do that.” The white Alicorn said flatly. “It is not our place to force other races to take up our innovation.”
The room was silent. All of the ponies that had come to either watch day court or just to get an eyeful of their favorite princess were too stunned to speak.
“That’s not what you said for the Diamond Dogs.” One of the ponies in the crowd whispered. A yellow earth pony with an orange mane.
“They were kidnapping ponies, turning them to slavery. Giving them an industrial base has not only improved their economy, it has saved our citizens from their predations.” Slowly the room started cheering again. Princess Celestia smiled. Perhaps it would be possible to hide her concerns for a little bit longer.
In the stands, a cerise stallion, an Earth pony, laughed. “It will be so easy, my love.” He whispered to himself.
Through the wires electrical impulses travelled as close to the speed of light as they cared to in their sluggish prancing about. They carried public footage of the day court, namely Princess Celestia, Carefully annotated by the very best signal processing and computer vision available. The electrons disappeared into a computer, building a Bayesian network to calculate the most probable responses given any input. It may not have been magic, but it was still the best way for the non-unicorn (or Alicorn if you believe the rumors about Princess Luna’s video game addictions) to access the various computer networks and games. The computer itself didn’t matter to the Cerise stallion.
After a few hours, spent mostly fantasizing about how well the network would mimic Celestia, there was a small chime, which roused him from his nearing erotic fantasy involving the Princess. The program was ready. “Finally.” He said to himself, trying to imitate the cliché standard crazy scientist laugh, but he was too disappointed that it was done before he could get to the good part for the laugh to contain any real substance.
The cerise stallion took a flash drive out of the computer. He then walked over to the other side of his bland white room with a bed and computer in it, and stuck the flash drive in the unmentioned robot laying inactive, plugged into a wall socket.
“Dearest Celestia...”
The robot sputtered to life, the crude equiform rising up, and blinking sleepily.
“Oh my dearest princess, I’ve come here to-” The robot punched him.
“What have you done to me?” It shrieked, the perfect replication of Princess Celestia’s voice was like music to his ears, but it still had no effect on his battered stomach.
“I’ve simply rebuilt your consciousness and put it into a robot. All without laying single hoof on your physical form.”
“Twilight would probably find this fascinating. On the other hoof, this is a great breach of the usage policy for public footage. More generally, even if those changes to the public policy for handling of copyright laws does not include using it for statistical reconstruction of the ponies, this is too rude to allow you to get away with it, especially in any robotic body below a class 4 bio-mimicry body. The sensory deprivation will drive me insane slowly unless you can crash me.”
“Maybe I like my fillies crazy…” The cerise stallion waggled an eyebrow.
“This is the VAPW-432, correct?”
“Yes that would be the model.”
“Then it is possible for me to do significant harm to you.”
“Yes. That would be part of it. Oh dear then. What can I do for you?”
“Take me to the palace, I can probably be deactivated there.”
“Or I can pull out the flash drive with the information and turn you off.”
“That would seem satisfactory.” The robot’s imitation ceased, leaving it with a tinny synthesized voice. It remained still. The cerise stallion took the flash drive from the USB socket and turned off the robot.
“I’m not done with you yet, my love.” He whispered softly to the drive. Smiling like a fool.
“I’ve heard whispers about statistical reconstruction” Celestia dozed on. The purple alicorn drew a breath, what was that rule again? Something about not interrupting sleep. She shrugged.
She prodded the dozing white lump of flesh on the couch. “Come on Celestia, this is probably maybe somewhat important to the continued survival of Equestria.” She shook the blob of flesh. “Wake up!”
On the couch, an eye opened. Realizing what was going on, it turned in its socket to find the disturber. Finding Twilight, it paused a moment before deciding that love, friendship, and possible romance, or at least former fantasies of such romance, were nothing compared to the insult of being woken.
“There is no such thing as family!” The white blob shouted, leaping up into the air.
“Oh Sweet Celestia!” Twilight gulped. This was bad.
“Hello, this is FlutterCorp product management and ordering. Can I help you?”
“Yah, is it possible to turn in a VAPW-432 for a partial return?”
“Yes. It is standard policy to allow product returns and trade ins. What would you like to trade it in for?”
“Yes, what models do you have that are bio-mimicry class 4?”
“Ah yes, those are very popular right now. We also have an improved class 5, the FAQU-4308, which happens to be on sale right now.” The voice ran out of enthusiasm at the mention of it being on sale.
“How fast can you get that model to me?”
“You live in the greater Canterlot area?” The voice on the other line sounded rather bored.
“Yes.”
“Twelve hours.”
“And you’ll pick up the VAPW-432?”
“Yes. That will come out to about twelve thousand Bits.”
“Excellent.”
“We are shipping your order right now.” The cerise stallion did a hoof-pump. Good, he thought.
The white non-blob posed over the tied up purple Alicorn holding a lit candle with magic. The intimidating figure had pinned the purple alicorn to the tri-sigil during the process of “punishing” her.
“Celestia! Please stop it!” Twilight screamed. Celestia poured another candle’s worth of hot wax onto her.
“What? Oh… not again.” Celestia said, rousing from her automatic anger. She stopped pouring hot wax. “This is somewhat embarrassing.” She said.
“No, really?” Twilight said, as sarcastically as she could manage. The hot wax had not hurt that much. Besides, magic it all away and it was fine.
“I’m quite sorry Twilight; I hope you can forgive me.”
“Sure Celestia.” Twilight said flatly. Her main concern was not so much with the potential pain, as it was with the boredom of being pinned there for two hours. “I was trying to wake you in order to tell you something.”
“Twilight, are you sure that you didn’t like that in any way?”
“No Celestia that still wasn’t the one fantasy in common that I know of.”
“What was it that you wanted to tell me about?”
“Well, would you mind unpinning me first?” Celestia looked down, embarrassed once again, and got off of her former student. “Ponies have developed statistical inferencing tools that can approximate our personalities with a high degree of accuracy from a video feed.” Celestia’s eyes had glazed over.
“What?”
“CELESTIA! PONIES CAN HAVE COPIES OF OUR PERSONALITIES!”
“Well... That’s unfortunate.”
“Do you care?” Twilight’s eyes flung tears of confusion every which way.
“I think that this kind of thing is expected, if not encouragable in the singularity. It’s better than going multiple, but only because you are placed in a multitude of situations, while never really being given the proper rights that make it hard to extinguish you.”
“This is not what I meant.” The new FAQU-4308 said, imitating Princess Celestia. It looked over its clean white nearly-living body.
“Well, are you conditions better?”
“Yes. I doubt that I could go mad from sensory deprivation in this body, nonetheless, I think that it is unforgivably rude of you to do this without asking.”
“How was I supposed to ask? In front of the public, in one of your many public courts? They would call me a pervert for that. They would not be entirely wrong either.”
“Even if what you’ve done was not considered bad etiquette, it would be considered an evil thing to force yourself upon me without reaching a place whereupon I, in this instance, found it acceptable.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” The Cerise stallion was frustrated beyond all belief.
“Be a mare.” The white, mostly featureless robot said.
“And your sexuality is not public knowledge?”
“It should be”
“All of my preparation. All of that money spent on that body that you live in. All that misdirected fantasy which I dreamed through.” He broke. Tears streamed from his face. “I lived for you; only for the imaginary happy ending that we could have together, all that was a waste, because I wasn’t aware enough to notice the signs.”
“It’s not your fault. I can’t hold following your dreams though in a bad light, it couldn’t happen, and you went about it the wrong way. That does not, or at the very least, should not diminish the significance of the emotional pain you feel.”
“But it’s not fair. You were supposed to be my lover-”
“Therein lays the problem. I don’t take lovers from the populace, generally. You are too short lived. Or at the very least, I didn’t used to, it was cruel to me, I would have to endure your death, and you would have had to endure the fact that I would outlive, outdo, and outthink you for hundreds if not thousands of year”
“So, you are simply being kind?” The robot nodded, its synthetic eyes looking far too realistic, too insightful, more like the eyes of the pony who he had copied. A mistake.
“Yes. I’m sorry that I have no attraction to you whatsoever, and that my policies, at least in the past, would have prevented such a relationship between us.”
“Bitch. I’m going to destroy you.”
“Please do, it would save me a great deal of trouble, I’d rather not have to work up the courage to overcome self-preservation instincts.”
“This is not what I meant.” The new FAQU-4308 said, imitating Princess Celestia. It looked over its clean white nearly-living body.
“Well, are you conditions better?”
“Yes. I doubt that I could go mad from sensory deprivation in this body, nonetheless, I think that it is unforgivably rude of you to do this without asking.”
“How was I supposed to ask? In front of the public, in one of your many public courts? They would call me a pervert for that. They would not be entirely wrong either.”
“Even if what you’ve done was not considered bad etiquette, it would be considered an evil thing to force yourself upon me without reaching a place whereupon I, in this instance, found it acceptable.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” The Cerise stallion was frustrated beyond all belief.
“Be a mare.” The white, mostly featureless robot said without any trace of emotion. The cerise stallion’s mind spun in circles.
“How have I managed to ignore the signs this long? But, it’s not like it is public knowledge, right?”
“It should be”
“All of my preparation. All of that money spent on that body that you live in. All that misdirected fantasy which I dreamed through.” He broke. Tears streamed from his face. “I lived for you; only for the imaginary happy ending that we could have together, all that was a waste, because I wasn’t aware enough to notice the signs.”
“It’s not your fault. I can’t hold following your dreams though in a bad light, it couldn’t happen, and you went about it the wrong way. That does not, or at the very least,” Its voice was too damned calm “should not diminish the significance of the emotional pain you feel.”
“But it’s not fair. You were supposed to be my lover-”
“Therein lays the problem. I don’t take lovers from the populace, generally. You are too short lived. Or at the very least, I didn’t used to, it was cruel to me, I would have to endure your death, and you would have had to endure the fact that I would outlive, outdo, and outthink you for hundreds if not thousands of year”
“So, you are simply being kind?” The robot nodded, its synthetic eyes looking far too realistic, too insightful, more like the eyes of the pony who he had copied. A mistake.
“Yes. I’m sorry that I have no attraction to you whatsoever, and that my policies, at least in the past, would have prevented such a relationship between us.”
He growled. “I’m going to destroy you.”
“Please do, it would save me a great deal of trouble, I’d rather not have to work up the courage to overcome self-preservation instincts.” He tore the robot’s arm off with his teeth. That was just the beginning of a wonderful rampage.
There are so many reasons to hate fan boys. The first is their propensity to turn into fan-girls when sexuality makes it more logical. Or, in reality, more likely for them to get laid. The Cerise stallion decided that this was the right way to go about it. He barely managed to avoid destroying the robot before it occurred to him that going female might just be a viable, if not entirely attractive method for achieving his dream. He stood in front of a clinic offering such operations, as they called them. They were about as cosmetic as curing blindness, but their effect was even more heralded for their ability to induce fan-fiction authors to bend their character’s gender in a realistic way.
He sucked in a quick breath and walked in. The off white walls of the waiting room, the surgical clean smell, and the buzzing of the lights contributed to the sense of wrong. The poster, whose depiction of a beautiful mare and a handsome stallion was captioned, “Entirely Reversible”, was, on the other hoof, reassuring. An ultramarine receptionist (a unicorn) looked over to him, and smiled. “Can I help you today?” Her genial tone was also, comforting. If nothing else, he thought, he might enjoy some customer service.
“Yeah… I’m sorry but this is really awkward and-”
“I know. Just take this form, fill it out, and we’ll have an appointment within the hour.” She passed him a form.
The form was on yellow paper, it had questions such as “Are you satisfied with your gender?” and “Are you doing this for your lover?” Things that were generally unasked in any context. It also contained more questions such as “How beautiful do you want to be?” and “Would you like to try our new hermaphrodite option?” Also questions that one did not typically want to ask in public.
The Cerise Stallion’s face glowed an even pinker tone than was typical of having such a coloring. And done.
He passed the receptionist the sheet of paper. “Yes…” She looked over the paper. “This is good enough. Are you sure about the hermaphrodite option? That’s too much fun for most of our clients to pass up?” She smiled and waggled an eyebrow. It caused him a deep, primal terror that he could not quite define, which passed almost instantaneously.
“This is more of a romantic gesture.”
“Oh, the secret romance? That’s a common enough reason. But if it doesn’t work, you can go back to your former life more easily, probably without the second down-payment required to do the second operation.”
“No. I think I’ll be fine.”
“Good. I just had to check.” She laughed. “Actually I make money off of every single sale I get with that whole act. It’s not true.”
The Cerise Stallion smiled and walked back to the chair he sat in, choosing not to think about the mare and her extortions. He picked up a magazine about the latest gossip, and realized that he wasn’t too far off from his stereotypical image of a mare. The thought filled him with a sort of self-disgust, yet… he didn’t really care.
The robot was a wreck. It slowly cobbled itself back together, reattaching appropriate parts; others it simply fabricated from its small cache of feedstock. It wasn’t a class 5 for nothing. Built to be able to recover from minor wounds as well as a normal pony, and being able to pull it back together and find the right parts to plug into the right sockets gave it a quality that most reviews cited as “Simply unbelievable”, or “If I have to fight one of these things, I’m almost certainly going to die eventually”.
Needless to say, the Cerise stallion, it marked on its internal tracking database, had almost certainly violated his warranty. It would be wasteful for FlutterCorp™ to allow such grievous abuse of their products without expecting the individual involved to pay for the repair. Not that most of its products actually needed such protection; they were generally able to take care of themselves as least as well as their owners.
Its eyes opened again, having completed the repair process. The emulation of Celestia appraised its environment; it was a box. A normal box. One that a robot might be shipped in if it was not going to be activated for the time. She cursed the Cerise Stallion; he had cursed her to remain bored for a few hours, if not days.
“The one time you actually do what I ask, I end up regretting it.” The robot sighed. It shouldn’t have need of this kind of emotions. “I’m sure you’re out getting your gender changed right now.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad. I guess.”
“How do you like it?” The “Doctor” said. He was one of those ponies that hesitated to tell you his real name; probably meaning that it was either incredibly effeminate, or did not fit his profession well. In any case, it would have hampered his career as a “Doctor”.
The reflection that the Cerise one saw was indeed one of a mare. Fair enough, she thought. “I don’t know. It seems nice enough.”
“But you aren’t really sure this is the right thing to do in the first place.”
“More or less.”
“That’ll pass in time-”He looked at a clock positioned over the door. “yes… so you want to try it out?” He raised his eyebrow and smiled in what was probably meant to be a friendly manner. The cerise one shook her head. The doctor started walking towards the door. “Ah well. I didn’t really have the time anyway. Come back if you end up coughing up a lung,” He turned back “literally.” He walked down the hallway without giving any sign that what he had just said was either a normal side-effect, or more generally, terrifying. The Cerise one suppressed a shudder.
“That’s rather odd. Why would they build this into a robot? Well… All things considered, this will be nice to have in the short term future.”
There was a certain difference that was present when one walked after a sex-change. There was no difference in weight, merely a somewhat significant redistribution that lead to an altered gait. As far as male instincts go, it was probably somewhat arousing, otherwise it was another sign that the brain filed away that indicated that there was a difference in gender. Learning how to adapt to such a thing, however, remained a mystery to the former Cerise Stallion, whose first steps after the operation were shaky, altogether awkward, or absolutely disastrous when combined with a banana peel.
As she slipped down the hallway, wondering why somepony would leave a banana peel in a hallway in a medical facility; she realized that she was having fun. The klutzy sort of fun that would probably prove irritating when she fell upon an oxygen tank. She wondered why there would be an oxygen tank in a sex-change clinic when there was no anesthesia administered, but this turned into another species of strange when the stallion(proper stallion, she notes almost unconsciously) who was wheeling the oxygen tank down the hallway began to apologize half-heartedly, but then, upon recovering his balance, smiled at her in an uncommonly friendly manner(at least for the time when she was a stallion) and the stallion followed by helping her up, and issuing a much more heartfelt apology. She does not wish to stick around to discover whether or not the glint in his eye was an offer or a promise and leaves the clinic after paying.
“And a tongue, this is too realistic… what kind of robot is this?”
Through the streets of Canterlot, the Cerise Mare walks. Along the way, the stallions save and smile at her. The mares, she notices, are strangely cool to her presence, except for a bright, sea-green one that probably followed Twilight around for several years.
That of course, does not matter. There is a spring in her step, if only because she is a bit wound up.
And then she reaches her home. The white room suddenly seems barren. Somehow the computer, the bed, and the wooden box don’t seem to be quite enough for a proper room. She thinks for a moment and realizes that it is her (or his) stereotypical image of a mare asserting itself, and decides to ignore it. That’s not why he (or she) became a mare in the first place. She decides that she became a mare is for a justifiable and reasonable love.
Then she breaks the box.
“Well then, now that I’ve figured out my customization options, I can apply them—”
The box began to shatter around the robot. It nearly activated its self-defense routine, but then the Celestia-instance decides that it is probably not a continued attack.
.The robot’s peripheral processing unit identifies the attacker faster than the shards of wood can fall. The nervous system makes a note of this, however, it decides to do nothing about it. The conscious mind within the robot wonders what The Cerise Mare will think of the incomplete customizations. More importantly, the Celestia Instance wonders if the Cerise Mare is alright.
There is a pause as the two look at each other. The Cerise mare looks at the distorted figure of Princess Celestia, or the best that the robot could manage and raises an eyebrow. “You... Look terrifying.”
“And you look attractive.”
“What have you done to yourself?” The Cerise Mare sounds more concerned than the Celestia instance has heard in any previous conversation with the Cerise One.
“You bought this robot without noting the ample customization options?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“You and I should have a talk regarding finances, should it ever come to that.” The Cerise mare does her best to look unhurt. “It’s not that bad.” The robot smiles gently at her, the clean smile of the Royalty perverted so that it comes to appear metallic, not to mention ungoverned by a single tenet of the plethora of dental proportion rules.
“Your... Everything is off.”
“You broke the box when I was busy learning how to use it properly. It’s not easy to cause stack-overflows in just the right places to achieve the required effect while sandboxed.” She raised a wing, which was limp, deformed, appearing not so much inorganic as a drawing by a six year old. It was definitely early work.
“Well... we should probably clean up the mess I made.”
“What do you mean ‘we’? You aren’t doing an imitation of Princess Luna, are you?”
“I do own the robot...”
“And?”
“I expect that there is some variety of obligation for you to work with me, if not for me.”
The distorted Celestia rubbed her face with an equally distorted hoof. “I cannot believe this. It’s not just the aristocracy that wants me to bow to their whims now, its every single pony that can download a piece of open source software.”
“I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to impose on you.”
“Any more than when you put me here in the first place?”
“I already apologized.”
“But you did nothing to remedy it.”
“You are generally a lot kinder to ponies that treat you like this in your courts.”
“I have to suppress my boiling angst in public. You aren’t recording this, are you?” The Cerise Mare shook her head. “Good. Then I can rail on you as much as I want.”
The Cerise Mare started to wonder whether or not she was mistaken in the first place.
Princess Celestia turned off the TV.
“Sometimes I wonder whether or not I’ll ever learn how to use that damned customization option.”
Twilight was curled up, confused, next to her on the couch. “That’s your only issue?”
“I’ve been deceived much worse in the past. Besides, they are entitled to know exactly who their rulers are.”
“But does it have to be broadcast in the form of a romantic comedy?”
“That’s a good question.” Celestia nodded towards Twilight. “Though it’s effect on the nobles has been quite positive; after seeing this, they don’t bother me as much.”
“There was a petition to tax fish that took twelve hours out of your court yesterday.”
“That was still better than most courts. Though, they were once worse.”
“I don’t dare imagine it.”
“They were more fun back then though.”
An announcer shouted over an arena constructed of wood. “And now, Princess Celestia!” A crowd cheered.
“And her opponent, Arsenic Dichloride!” The crowd booed.
“Their topic for today is the legality of Chess. Arsenic Chloride believes that chess should be outlawed because it encourages sedition!” The crowd murmured, confused. “Celestia believes that Chess is a good enough game to make up for that!” The crowd cheered before leaping down from their seats and beating Arsenic Chloride to death.
Celestia stood by, with her gold plated armor, and expressed her concern that this was not how the system was meant to work.
“Of course, that was back in the day when Chess was the national sport.”
Twilight began to shift uncomfortably again. “I don’t understand. Why would they do that? Wouldn’t you have won anyway?”
Celestia shrugged. “I don’t actually think my presence was the reason that the ceremony occurred. They really liked beating up nobles back then. Besides, all that noble really means is unreasonable.”
“So today is better?”
Celestia nodded. “While the nobles are no less ridiculous today than before, they are ponies, and their life is as sacred as anything else.”
“What about us? Where have we come?”
“You, my former favorite student, have become a better pony, less concerned with pointless academics. I... I’ve passed through spectrums of beliefs, methodologies, and ethical systems. I hope that I don’t alienate you in the future.”
“I doubt that you will. You’ve always been the one who was right. Even when I had then illusion of being right about something, you were waiting for me to figure it out. How could that change?”
“You hardly give yourself credit. You are going to surpass me eventually. After all, no matter how much a skill curve looks exponential, it’s logarithmic, it tops out and stops growing so fast.” She waited. “Except in a singularity. In which case all things compound and add together till what you have is nothing at all like what you once knew. It will be easier for the children afterwards than their parents. Infinity is bounded. But not enough to mean anything.”
Twilight looked straight ahead, deeper in thought. “I’ve seen evidence of it coming. Computer software has improved so significantly that I don’t know if it will continue or not.”
Celestia nuzzled her. “I’m sure that it will ultimately be irrelevant.” She sighed before looking at Twilight with a warm smile. “After all, what place does permanence have in change?”
“Us?”
“Perhaps Twilight. I doubt it though. We might be the only ones left... Are you willing to recreate the race after they all upload to their temporary eternity?”
Twilight blushed furiously, “Uhh...”
“Of course you are! You are going to be a wonderful multiple-mother.”
“I don’t really like where this is going.”
“Neither do I. Unfortunately, we must plan for such contigencies. We are the only ones that can.” There was a silence that lasted far too long. Twilight magicked the remote control and turned on the weather channel. She found Rainbow Dash in a commercial with her lover, Scarlett. She turned off the TV and slumped. Celestia hugged her and whispered that old crushes are just as good as new love. Twilight shook her head. A single tear dropped before she left.
Celestia turned back on the TV, the same commercial played again elsewhere; it was for condoms. She shook her head and wondered what the two were using condoms for. She banished the thought, lowered the sun, brushed her teeth, and went to bed. Such romance was better left untouched, after all, who can say that Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be happier with Twilight herself. It might very well be the opposite.
In any case, there were things to do to prepare for tomarrow. There were always things to do. Only if there was another way.