//------------------------------//
// Chapter The First 
// Story: The Nine Trials 
// by InspectorSharpWit 
//------------------------------//


Chapter the First, or “In Which the Chaos Combat Tactic Commences”

I blink stupidly at the Princess of the Night. “What?”
“YOUR PRESCENCE HAS BEEN REQUESTED BY THE ROYAL COURT OF EQUESTRIA!” She repeats in her Canterlot voice. “YOU MUST BE INTERROGATED ON THE CHARGE OF COMMUNICATING WITH A KNOWN ENEMY OF THE STATE. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN IMMEADIATE EXECUTION, FOLLOWED BY CASTRATION, FOLLOWED BY RE-EXECUTION.”
I’d raise an eyebrow. “Wait… If I’m dead, how could you kill me again?”
This seems to catch her off guard, as she cleared her throat and smiled sheepishly at me. “Uh… with much care and patience, We assume?”
I break out into a smile. “Ok, Luna, what’s going on? Is this another dream? Or another pathetic attempt to request a rematch?”
Her eyes grow hot white with rage. “YOU DARE MOCK ME MORTAL?!” She boomed, levitating off the ground. “I AM PRINCESS LUNA! RULER OF EQUESTRIA! ORACLE OF EUNOMIA! JUDGE OF FATE! And besides!” She pouts, breaking character once again. “Thou definitely used underhanded tactics in our last match!”
I chuckle. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Princess!”
She gives me a smirk. “Though We would relish the opportunity to wipe that insufferable grin from thy face, We are afraid that our request rings true. We are tasked with bringing you to Our Royal Suite for questioning.”
I sigh wearily. “Fine… I have the day off today, anyways.” I look to the Princess expectantly. “Aren’t you going to leave to let me change into my clothes?”
Her face becomes stony. “We are obligated to keep constant watch over you at all times,” she explains, as if she had practiced it to herself.
I grin. “You know, if you want a peep show, you could always ask nicely,” I wink.
Her pale face turns bright red. “We gain no enjoyment from this,” she says monotonously. “We are simply doing are duty.”
“Right… So this is just a benefit of the job?” I’d smirk.
“Do not flatter thyself, mortal,” she says coldly, though her face was still burning red.
Ok, how shall we go about this? I think mischievously. Just a strip tease, or something with a little more substance?
You are one sad, stupid idiot, aren’t you? I scold myself. I think we’ve already established the chaos that happens when you get yourself into this sort of thing?
Ah, but is Chaos really all that bad? A familiar voice asks silkily. After all, couldn’t we all use a little excitement?
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
This got me to panic. “Oh God, not again,” I moan, clutching my head.
Ra Ta Ta Ta
“What, what is going on?” Luna asks, concerned at my sudden change in mood.
“It’s him!” I say, gritting my teeth. “It’s Discord!”
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
Almost immediately, Luna flies to my side. “When did this start?” she asks urgently.
“I’ve been hearing him on and off again for the past two months,” I explain, massaging the sides of my head. “I don’t know how, but he’s been messing with my dreams and making snide comments in my head since I touched his statue!”
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
“We have known that part,” she assures me. “We have often noticed strange disturbances in thy dreams when we go on our rounds.”
“Wait, have you guys been monitoring me?!” I ask indignantly through the pain.
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
Luna blushes. “It was not out of suspicion!” She says sheepishly. “We were simply curious on what you would dream about!”
“You know what, forget it! Just stop these damn drums!” I holler, my head feeling as if it were about to explode.
RA TA TA TA!
Quickly, Princess Luna puts both of her hands around my face. “Sleep well,” she whispers urgently, and she presses her lips to mine. Before I can respond in shock, I start feeling extremely drowsy. The drums sound more and more muffled with each passing second, and my eyelids begin to grow heavier and heavier…

Some Time Later...

Ugh… What just happened? I groan inwardly as my eyes open reluctantly. A few faces come into focus, some familiar, some not. “Hello?” I ask, yawning a bit.
A collective sigh of relief goes throughout the group. “You gave us quite a scare, young man!” a small, red-haired woman smiles gently. She’s in what seems to be a 50’s nurse’s uniform, and she’s holding a clipboard. “You nearly went into comatose!”
“Ah, what joy we felt when you came to,” a dark-skinned woman smiled. She has a white-and-black Mohawk and is wearing a matching robe, and for some reason is holding a sky-blue leaf. “We owe great thanks to this herb of blue!”
The nurse frowns a little. “Actually, I think the adrenaline shots were what did the trick… But I suppose your little remedy helped a little.”
“Pardon me, miss, but that’s the wrong word choice. I almost suspect condescension in your voice,” the dark-skinned woman says coolly.
“Well, you have to admit, compared to my techniques, your leaves and herbs are, hmm, what’s the word… Cute?” the nurse mutters nastily.
“You mutter low, though your opinion’s high!” the dark-skinned woman snarls angrily. “Why not say it to this face of mine?!”
“Ladies, that’s enough,” a regal voice says in a scolding tone. I look up to see a beautiful woman in a long dress of white and a reproving look on her face. “You should be focusing on the patient, shouldn’t you?” She looks to me with a sweet smile. “Hello, Sebastian. I hope my Sister’s spell didn’t alarm you.”
I give Princess Celestia a grin. “Hey, what can I say? It was only a matter of time till even gods fell for me.”
The Princess chuckled. “I’m surprised you still have your sense of humor, given all that you’ve gone through today.”
“Actually, so am I… What spell did she cast on me, anyways?” I ask curiously.
The dark-skinned woman speaks up. “The spell is known as ‘The Kiss of the Night’. A spell designed to put to sleep those filled with fright.” she explained.
The red-haired nurse chuckled. “It’s a primitive form of an anesthesia,” she adds. “Good in a pinch, but dangerous if not controlled, especially in the doses you received!”
“Indeed, it is impressive that he is still himself,” the dark-skinned woman continued. “He received it from the Lips of the Night herself.”
The red-haired nurse rolls her eyes. “Anyways, the spell is guaranteed to provide a dreamless, anxiety-less sleep for the patient. Unfortunately, only a few known cases were reported where the patient woke up.”
“The answer is quite clear, you see; the art of modern medicine is as bleak as can be!”  The dark-skinned lady laughs triumphantly. “There is no comfort in hospital rules! Nor cold, sterile doctors with their grisly tools!”
“Ladies, I said no fighting!” Celestia said reprovingly. She gives me a sheepish smile. “Sebastian, this is Nurse Redheart and Zecora. Do you remember them from the show?”
I grin in sudden recognition. *“Oh yeah, Zecora I remember you. You were awesome!”
Zecora beams with pride. “See? Even in this strange new place, I am recognized, so in your face!” she says mockingly, sticking out her tongue at the nurse.
Redheart scowls. “That doesn’t mean I’m not known here! I mean, you do know me, right?” she asks me pleadingly.
I look away nervously. “Uh… I have really bad memory with this sort of thing… But I’m sure others recognize you.” I grin sheepishly.
She sighs, downcast. “I can’t believe this witch-doctor is more recognizable than me.” she huffs.
“Do not fret, my dear little nurse.” Zecora grins wickedly. “Surely, those that remember you applaud from their hearse!”
“That’s enough, you two,” Celestia says firmly. “I’m sure Sebastian’s visitors want to see him, so give him some room.”
With a huff of anger, Nurse Redheart stomps out of the room. Zecora looks over to me fondly. *“Oh, little human, how you’ve brought me great joy! Now rest easy, and relax my dear boy.”
I chuckle. “I’m feeling better already, doc,” I say jokingly.
She chuckles and gives me a little wave before leaving the room. Finally, some time to think, I sigh inwardly. Now, let’s review the facts: I’ve been having absurdly realistic dreams for months. Apparently, these dreams are important enough to be examined by the Princesses themselves. They all seem to feature Discord in them in some way or another, and I’ve been getting headaches with those drums… I’d shudder at the thought of the cursed things. So does this mean Discord’s free? Why is he going after me, then?
The door slams open, interrupting my thoughts. “Sebastian!” Comes a unanimous cry, and I’m suddenly being squeezed to death by a group of multi-colored girls.
“Thank the Sister’s you’re alright!” Sighs the girl closest to me in relief. She has purple hair with a single pink stripe running down it, and is wearing a lavender dress shirt. “I thought you were hurt!”
“But now, we can have a super-duper awesome ‘get well’ party!” A bouncy girl in pink laughs excitedly. “”Won’t that be awesome?!?! It’ll have cake, and ice cream, and balloons, and-“
“Really, darling, you gave us quite a scare.” a refined voice says from somewhere beside me. “We were petrified at the idea that we could have lost you!”
“But you look cool now!” a brash, rainbow-haired girl says as punches me on the shoulder. "I don’t know what everyone else was freaking out about?”
“-and sequins and clowns and unicycles-,” the pink haired girl continued excitedly.
“Oh dear, I’m just glad you’re ok.” a girl with slightly lighter pink hair sighs in relief, hugging me tightly. “I would have felt just awful if you weren’t!”
“Course he’s ok!” a blonde girl laughed as she ribbed me in the gut. “Have you seen this guy in action?”
The girl with the light pink hair blushes dark red. “Well, actually yes I have,“ she admits shyly.
“-and blackjack and hookers!” The girl with the dark hair concludes happily. “You know what? Forget the hookers!”
Under normal circumstances, I would have been happy to be buried in beautiful women. Unfortunately, I can’t breathe with them on me all at once. “GAAACK!” I yell desperately.
Fortunately, they get the picture and hop off of me. “Thanks,” I gasp gratefully, sucking in a lungful of sweet air. “Now, I’ve got a question for you: Where are the guys?”
The happy atmosphere in the room diminishes a little. “They couldn’t make it,” Applejack says somewhat sadly.
“Why not?” I asked curiously. “And for that matter, where’s everyone else?”
“I think I can answer that,” Princess Celestia says. She enters the room with an unconscious little girl in her arms. The little girl looks oddly familiar, with hair that sparkled and shimmered like the night sky.
“What the hell happened to Luna?!” I ask incredulously.
Celestia smiles wearily as she places the mini Luna on the bed. “She gets like this when she’s extremely tired,” she explains, stroking Luna’s hair fondly. “She’s been busy since she put you asleep.”
“What exactly was she doing?”
Celestia sighed. “She’s been trying to restore order downstairs. It’s utter chaos downstairs; rainclouds of orange soda, chairs swinging themselves, dishes randomly spewing soap… And to top it all off, everyone’s been turned to chocolate!”
For some reason, I feel a drop of rage mingle with my alarm. “Did you say ‘chocolate’?” I ask in a deadly whisper.
The Princess nods slowly, apparently a bit weirded out. “That’s right: Chocolate statues,” she says warily.
I begin to feel an unnatural rage boil in me. “Chocolate? Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE!!!” I bellow, raving like a madman. “CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE!!!”
I see the others back away, seemingly alarmed. Celestia’s lips move frantically, as if they were trying to tell me something, but the rage blocks out their meaning. “CHOCOLATE!! HAHAHAHA!!” I cackle madly.
Suddenly, I’m back in control of my body. “What the fuck just happened?” I ask, alarmed.
All trace of previous happiness is gone, replaced with an eerie atmosphere of fear. All of them are looking at me worriedly, as if I were a ticking time bomb.
Fluttershy’s the first to speak. “Are you… Are you ok, Sebastian?” she asks meekly.
“Yeah, I’m fine now. But what the hell was happening before?!” I try to pull myself closer to them, but find myself restrained. Looking down at my wrists, I see that golden chains had been locked onto my arms. “What the fucking hell is going on?!”
“I’m sorry, Sebastian, but it was a necessary precaution.” Celestia said sternly. “You were raving like a lunatic about chocolate, and you might have gone after the girls!”
“But you know me!” I stutter, looking around for support. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
“But you aren’t the only one there,” Celestia explained quietly.
My eyes widen in sudden realization. “It’s Discord, isn’t it?” I ask meekly.
Fluttershy broke down into tears. “It was just so scary!” she whimpered. “You weren’t making any sense and we were scared and-“
“It’s like it wasn’t you anymore,” Twilight concludes, patting Fluttershy on the back calmingly.
Applejack shudders. “The worst part was them eyes,” she adds, saying it as if it were the unsavory detail of a corpse.
“Such a horrid shade of yellow,” Rarity agrees. “And the pupils were this mismatched blood red! Quite honestly, I was about to faint!”
I sigh and look at my hands. “So he’s in me right now?” I ask helplessly.
The Princess nods. “I thought we could protect you here from his influence, but it seems that the direct contact you had with him has forged a strong psychic connection between the two of you.”
“Wait, what makes this place so special?” I ask.
“Luna was always a bit paranoid,” she smiles wryly. “She put so many enchantments on the Royal Suite that I can’t remember them all. Now if only I’d let her cast them on the rest of the apartments…”
“Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” I say, forlorn. “He’s got the power to do whatever he wants to me no matter where I am!”
“Not unless we break the link,” Celestia affirms. “But that’s why we need you to come with us.”
I look up at them. “Wait, what?!”
Twilight sighs and puts on a steady face. “We believe that if we can trap Discord in a stronger bond, the chaos he’s wreaking now won’t occur again. Unfortunately, we found out that the room that holds his statue won’t let us in anymore. That’s where you come in.”
“You see, we were thinking that you can act as a key inside,” Rainbow Dash continues, moving her hands to elaborate. “You’ve got the biggest magical connection to Discord, so the door would recognize you as him!”
“But I thought you guys wanted to keep me safe here!” I protested.
“See, that was the original plan.” Applejack explains. “However, we just thought that he had a minor hold over ya, and the Princess here could sort ya out easy-peasy. Then, Discord would be forced to take physical form in his statue room, where we’d be able to cast the spell. Now that we know it’s much bigger than that, we might as well pull out the big guns and give you a shot.”
“Now, obviously, we’re worried about your safety, darling,” Rarity assures me. “But the odds are that the only thing that will happen is that Discord will take physical form and that we’ll be able to have the elements ready by then.”
“That way, we’ll take him by surprise!” Pinkie finishes triumphantly. “And we’ll be all like, ‘TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!’ and he’ll be all like ‘NOOOOOO!’ It’s the perfect plan!”
I stare at them. “Did you guys plan all of that a few seconds ago?”
Pinkie shrugs. “The author just wants to explain all of this as soon as possible so he can get on with the story.”
I grab the bridge of my nose and groan. “Did anyone ELSE understand what Pinkie just said?” I ask tiredly.
Everyone shakes their head, apparently as confused as I am. Pinkie just scoffs. “You see? He’s OBVIOUSLY trying to make another ‘Pinkie can see past the fourth wall’ joke! Way to be original, InspectorSharpWit!”
I turn to Celestia. “Are you sure SHE’S not the one who’s possessed by Discord?” I say dryly.
“This is no time for jokes, Sebastian.” Celestia says sternly. “I realize the hectic nature of the situation may seem amusing, but Discord can’t be trusted to be docile for much longer. What we need to know is if you’ll agree to the plan.”
I sigh wearily. “At this point, I could listen to Pinkie’s rants right now, so I guess this isn’t too bad of a plan. How could it get any worse than this?!”
“You see!” Pinkie raves, pointing accusingly at the celling. “He’s trying to tempt Murphy’s Law! Honestly, GET SOME GODDAMN ORIGINAL MATERIAL!”
Applejack slaps Pinkie across the face. “Get a hold of yourself, girl!” she says sternly, shaking her a little by the shoulders. “We’ve got ourselves a serious shit-storm of chaos right here, and you’re off babbling about what you always do! Could you just stay serious for a sec, Pinks?!”
Pinkie, though shocked at first, quickly stands at attention. “Ma’am, yes ma’am!” she booms.
The rest of us just stare at the two before going back to the issue at hand. “So, are we just going to stand around here?” I ask half-jokingly.
Celestia smiles a little. “Your confidence is admirable,” she smiles. She snaps her fingers, and a golden glow surrounds me. Within seconds, I’m fully dressed.
“You should teach that spell to Luna,” I chuckle, observing my t-shirt and jeans.
The Princess gives me a puzzled look. “She didn’t use that spell?”
“Well no, she told me just to get undressed in front of her.”
“Why would she do that? It’s a simple spell. I can’t imagine why she would ask you to-”
“Is this really what we want to talk about right now?!” Rainbow Dash says sharply. “Let’s just go to that Discord and kick his gnarly old ass!”
“Well put,” Rarity smirks. “Let’s go for it, shall we?”
Fluttershy puts on a serious face. “For Sebastian.” She says simply, putting out her hand.
Twilight reaches out and grabs it. “For Equestria!” She declares.
“For justice!” Affirms Applejack putting her hand in as well.
Everyone else puts their hand in except me. “Well?” Twilight asks me expectantly.
“What the hell,” I sigh, reluctantly putting my hand in the group. “Let’s go, ladies!”
We all just stand there for a minute or so before Fluttershy speaks up again. “Um, can we start in an hour, because I need to go refill a prescription…? It’s ok if we don’t; I just wanted to ask…”
“And Ah gotta go tell my manager that Ah’m gonna miss a day of work,” Applejack adds sheepishly.
“Same here,” Rainbow Dash affirms. “Hartsfield-Jackson gets pissed if the pilots don’t show up on time.”
“And I’d like to pack a bag, just in case,” Rarity chimes in. “These things get awfully long-winded, you know.”
“Ooh, and snacks! We definitely need snacks!” Pinkie says cheerfully.
“Are you guys kidding me?!” Twilight asks incredulously. “This is about taking down Discord! Master of Chaos?! You think he’s just going to leave Sebastian alone while we go do our things?!”
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind waiting an hour either,” I reply sheepishly. “I didn’t get to take a shower this morning and I was sweating like a pig last night.” Noticing everyone staring at me, I realize how my comment was said out of context. “Oh, get your heads out of the goddamn gutter,” I say irritably.
Twilight sighs in exasperation. “What do you think, Princess?”
Celestia seems to be withholding a smile. “It would be better if Luna were awake…” she says thoughtfully. “Would you mind too much if we waited, Twilight?”
“No…” she says in defeat. “I guess I can polish the Elements or something…”
“Great! So we can all meet up in an hour outside of Discord’s room!” I say with finality.
“Actually, could you make it an hour and a half? I just want to tidy up a bit before I go,” Rarity smiles sheepishly.
Twilight pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance. “Sure, whatever!” she snaps. “Just get ready!”