As I stood in the heart of the Smokey Mountain sweating my flank off in the smoldering tin can my commanding officer called "armor", a question nagged at the back of my mind. It was a question that had been bothering me since the moment I stepped into this goddess-forsaken mountain range. Commander Turbulence had warned me not to be distracted from my mission, yet my brain decided that my personal dilemma was more important than focusing on finding dragon bogeys who were no doubt ready to roast my feathers off.
What am I doing here?
It was a seemingly simple question with an equally simple answer. Six months ago, I was kicked out of the Wonderbolts Academy for my reckless conduct and endangerment of the lives of civilians. In other words, it was some pretty serious stuff. The thing is, I'm a thrill seeker. If I couldn't get my action fix from the academy, I was going to go stir crazy. I'm not the kind of mare who can be satisfied by just any old sport, either; the academy, at the time, had truly seemed like the only way for me to really spread my wings to the fullest extent.
That is, until I caught wind that the Equestrian Royal Guard was recruiting rookies. I think I saw one of those recruitment posters around Canterlot; you know the ones, with the big "Celestia Wants You" written across the bottom. I don't know if it was my state of mind playing tricks on me or what, but being a guard sounded like the coolest idea in the world. I mean, what's more badass than an armed soldier kicking flanks in the name of Princess Celestia? Other than the Wonderbolts, of course.
Six months of hardcore training and showing off later, and here I was. I burned through those drills like a buffalo through the desert, and the drill sergeants made sure everypony knew. I was the talk of the guard academy, let me tell you; everywhere I went, the superiors were ranting about how I was going places. Being praised for my efforts felt great, and for once in my life, I really believed that I was where I belonged.
...Turns out actual missions are a lot different from drills. I realized that the hard way when I set out on this scouting mission, and the amazing feelings of belonging I had just sort of vanished. All I was left with was that one question.
What am I doing here?
"Hey, Lightning! Look alive!"
I snapped out of my funk and noticed my scouting partner by my side. "Sorry about that, Tailslide." Shaking the annoying question from my head, I focused my attention on the never-ending sea of trees ahead.
"Gotta stay focused, Lightning." Tailslide took the lead, sneaking silently ahead of me. I couldn't help but admire his ability to ignore how grody and uncomfortable his armor was. "Dragons could be behind any of these bushes. We've gotta be ready for them."
"Got it." Reluctantly, I forced myself forward. With every step, the armor seemed to grow heavier. It was only light scouting armor, too; I couldn't even begin to imagine how the front line fighters lugged their gigantic bulk around without collapsing under their own weight. Pushing through the bushes, my mind gave my body some relief by wandering a bit. Unfortunately, the subject it decided to turn to messed with my focus instead.
"Hey Tail, what am I doing here?"
"Huh?" Tailslide stopped walking and gave me a sideways glance. "What do you mean?"
"You heard me. What am I doing out here? What's the point of this?"
Tail sighed, which annoyed me a bit. I hate it when ponies treat me like an idiot. "There were reports of dragon encampments on this mountain. We're here to mark their locations so that the fighters can come in and drive them out."
"That's not what I meant." I crouched under a bush, looking for broken branches or burn marks. "I mean, why do we care if there are dragons out here?"
"Did you forget about what happened recently?"
"There was an unprovoked dragon attack in Vanhoover." Having no luck with the area, Tailslide and I moved further into the woods.
"Exactly. So it's our job to make sure they don't hurt any more civilians."
There was a small clearing just ahead of us. We stayed near the edge, keeping as much cover as we could. One of the warnings Commander Turbulence gave us before the mission was to avoid open areas whenever possible. It made sense; the whole point was to avoid being caught by our enemies, and leaving ourselves exposed like that was pretty counter-intuitive.
A bit of searching through the perimeter provided something for our efforts; a small scorch mark on a tree's surface offered evidence of a dragon's presence. "Bingo," Tailslide whispered. He motioned with his hoof to keep moving forward, deeper into the mountain.
"It's not that I think hurting ponies isn't wrong or anything," I continued, keeping an eye out for surprise attacks, "but scouting isn't what I had in mind when I joined the Guard. I'm all for taking risks, but is this really worth putting our flanks on the line?"
"Of course it is!" We both cringed at Tail's outburst, and ducked our heads in case somepony – or somedragon – heard him. He thankfully lowered his voice back to a whisper. "Of course it is, our job is extremely important. Our information will be able to help the front line take care of the issue."
"So what, the front line gets all the glory while we risk getting roasted alive?" We took a moment to catch our breath, although I ended up using most of mine to vent. "Nopony's going to give a crap about our efforts, because all they're going to see are the big, brave fighters slaying the evil dragons! They get to be the heroes, while we get ready for our next suicide mission!"
"Lightning Dust..." My partner gave me a very patronizing look, a stark contrast to his typical optimism. "You didn't join the Royal Guard just to be a hero, did you?"
I looked down at my hooves; admittedly, I could feel just the slightest twinge of shame. "That's just the thing. You and the guys all talk about 'being patriotic' and 'fighting for the honor of Celestia', but I just don't feel any of that. I don't really know anypony in Vanhoover, dragons have never personally given me problems, and as blasphemous as it may sound, I don't really think Celestia needs me defending her honor. All I see are two ponies, in the middle of a sweltering mountain range, trying to see whether dragons or boredom will kill them first."
"Wow Lightning... I really don't know what to say."
"Yeah, I know. I must sound like a huge ass right now." I rolled onto my side, feeling oddly comfortable under the tree's shade. "As short as my stint in the Wonderbolt Academy was, I actually felt like my presence meant something. All eyes were on me, everypony thought I was the coolest thing since sliced bread... heck, I actually felt that during the training drills for the Royal Guard, too. But who's going to care what I do out here?"
Tailslide didn't say anything; I tried to read his expression, but his viridian face just showed a mix of confusion and disappointment. The silence started to really get to me, and the callousness of my statements were starting weigh down on me. For a moment, I was mad at myself for thinking that way.
Suddenly, to my surprise... Tailslide smiled.
"You know, I think I see where you're coming from, Lightning." He gazed up at the thin spot of sunlight shining through the foliage above. "You're right; we're basically the grunts who do the boring dirty work so the heroes can come through and save the day."
I didn't respond; I knew he was going somewhere with his unexpected agreement, and if it was going to give me the answer I needed, the least I could do was hear him out.
"Celestia really doesn't need us, does she? There are more ponies ready to die for her than there are stars in the sky." He fiddled with his canteen and took a brief swig of water. "I've never actually seen a dragon except in books, and to be honest, Vanhoover is a pretty crappy place. I've been there a couple times, and it's just not very inviting, particularly to the lower class.
"You and I really have nothing invested in this mission, and we're taking a huge risk coming out here in spite of it. So yeah, I can definitely see why you don't think it's worth it." Tailslide suddenly stood back up, and stared me straight in the eyes. "However, I do think it's worth it, for one very important reason."
"Oh yeah?" I stood up and met Tail's stare with one of my own. "And what might that be?"
"It's worth it... because I know I'm doing a service for my country. For Equestria. That alone fills me with pride and makes it all worthwhile."
For what felt like an eternity, silence reigned over the mountainside, save for the chirping of birds and rustling leaves.
"Okay, Tail, no offense but... I was expecting something really profound." I smirked and lightly punched Tailslide in the shoulder. "I could feed the population of Cloudsdale with all that corn."
"Hey, shut up!" He chuckled and returned the punch. "Yeah, it's corny, but I meant it. It's better than having no reason at all, right?"
"I guess, but unfortunately, I don't exactly share your level of patriotism. Equestria as a whole just doesn't get me going, know what I'm saying?"
"You don't have to like all of Equestria, but it's still our home. I mean, your reason doesn't even have to be patriotic at all. It could be... I dunno... because you get to take a really awesome shower after all that dirty work."
"Oh Celestia, you're killing me."
"I'm serious." To prove his point, he made his best 'serious' face. "You may not know what it is yet, but someday, you'll discover what it is you're fighting for, and you'll be willing to die for it."
"I'm... not so sure about that. What if I never find it?"
"You will." I felt a reassuring hoof on my shoulder, and felt just the slightest bit comforted. "Trust me. Whatever it is that drives you will show itself in the end."
Something to fight for, and something to die for. I certainly didn't want to die anytime soon, but something about that just felt... awesome. I mean, you'd have to really love something if you were willing to lose your life for it. For a pony like Tailslide, was getting killed for Equestria, a country that at times can seem pretty bleak, truly that appealing?
"Alright, enough sitting around," Tailslide whispered. "If Commander Turbulence catches us slacking off, he'll keep our wings as trophies."
"Come on, those guys are supposed to be on the other side of the mountain right now."
"You know how Turbulence is, Lightning. If he catches even the slightest hint of laziness, he gains temporary teleportation powers."
A valid point, that was. Even I had been on the receiving end of a Turbulence lecture from just taking a short bathroom break. I'm sorry, but sometimes a mare's just gotta take a leak, even in the heat of battle.
Amidst our quiet chuckling, a third sound joined in. It was somewhat distant, but we knew immediately what it was...
"Hey, Tail," I whispered as quietly as I could manage. "Hear that?"
"Yeah. Sounds like something's over there."
"Totally." I squinted to see if I could make out any shapes in the direction the leaf rustling was coming from, but the foliage was just too dense. "Alright, let's split up. I'll take the left, you hit up the right."
"Are you sure you can handle it alone?"
"Uh, duh. I'm Lightning Dust!" Reminding myself that I was, indeed, myself was one of the few comforts I could afford in such a place. Our previous conversation was beginning to make me question even that, however. "If I find anything, I'll be a good little scout and run away. Sound good?"
I chuckled in an attempt to lower the tension, but Tailslide's stoney expression remained unchanged. For a guy who could look death in the eye without peeing himself, he seemed awfully worried about us getting hurt all of a sudden. As I made my way through the thicket to the left of our hiding spot, it dawned on me why his cautiousness bothered me so much.
I didn't know why I was willing to put my life at risk, but in the face of danger... I wasn't afraid. Not even a little.
The distant sounds grew closer as I pushed through the oppressive forest, and although my heart beat faster and faster, I just wasn't afraid of what I would find. It was the same feeling I had whenever I performed ridiculous flying tricks that most ponies would consider suicidal; the pounding in my chest wasn't from fear, but excitement.
What was I so excited about? Dragons are scary, but they aren't that exciting. The sounds were probably some birds, or maybe one of the other guards. Just in case it was a hostile force, though, I pulled out my secret weapon.
Before missions, all scouts are fitted with a concealable but surprisingly effective weapon that somewhat resembles a small spear. It's pretty slick, despite its tininess; you can stab something and it probably won't reach many vitals, but using your mouth to activate a small notch on the handle activates a crazy spring-loaded force that drives the tip further in. It sounds incredibly painful, but it gets the job done while still being compact.
Not quite as cool as wing blades or shoulder mortars, but I still gotta give it props for effort.
Along with the sounds of movement, gravelly breathing filled the air. It was definitely not a sound that a pony could make without smoking a year's supply of tobacco, which only left one very likely solution. Creeping as quietly as I could, I inched closer to what looked like another small clearing. My quaking hooves gently parted the leaves of a bush, giving me a clear view of my target.
There it was, in all its scaly glory. It was red, muscular, pointy... and surprisingly small for a dragon. It must be a kid, I thought. The size didn't matter, though; more importantly, it was a dragon, and it was most definitely skulking around in the Smokey Mountain. In other words, my mission to confirm the presence of dragons was complete.
As expected, I wasn't satisfied with that. I had promised Tailslide that I would find the dragon and leave it be, but... my heart was telling me something else. It may be more accurate to say that my heart was actively preventing my mind from moving my legs. I wanted to get out of there before things got hairy, I really did, but that small part of me somehow managed to anchor my quivering body in place. All I could do was sit there, staring at that dragon.
Even in that situation, I didn't feel any fear, and then a thought crossed my mind that I truly wish I could have ignored.
I could totally take that dragon.
My natural inclination has always been to take risks, even if it meant breaking a few rules, but I'm not stupid. There weren't witnesses to see my "heroic" actions, I didn't even know if that was the dragon we were looking for... there were literally no logical reasons for me to go against my orders.
Why do you think you're here, Lightning Dust? To run away... or to do something incredible?
My breathing grew heavier as I stepped out from behind the bush's protection. The dragon's spiny back was facing me, offering me an opportunity to get the jump on him. I continued to close the distance, until I was practically within a hoof's reach. Holding the spear was painful with my chattering teeth, but with a quick enough motion, I could finish it.
...At least, I could have finished it if the dragon hadn't noticed me.
In the blink of an eye, I was greeted with a face full of claws. The dragon smacked me with the back of his hand, saving me a few lost limbs; however, that didn't change the fact that he was still significantly larger than me. It took me a moment after recovering from the vicious blow to my head to realize that I had been flung completely across the clearing. I wasn't going to give up, though; that just wasn't my style.
"You're a nasty one, aren't you?" I wiped the trickle of blood from my throbbing muzzle. "Didn't your mom teach you how to treat a lady?"
I received an angry roar as a response; I guess he wasn't in the mood to talk. "Alright fella, have it your way!" The beast swiped again, but this time I was ready. A quick leap was all it took to get me out of harm's way. My intention was to fly overhead and drive my spear into the stupid thing's skull; the caveat to that plan was that I still wasn't used to flying with all that armor on. Heck, I was lucky my jump even got me a few feet off the ground. My epic aerial maneuver ended up as more of a lopsided tackle.
If you've ever tried tackling something at least ten times your weight, you probably learned pretty quickly how ineffective it is. Of course, while the dragon didn't budge even an inch, I did manage to piss it off some more. As I struggled to lift myself off the grass, I caught a huge red foot in the corner of my eye. Rolling away managed to save me from becoming a blue smear, but I still felt a horrible pain shoot through my leg; turns out I didn't roll far enough.
The pain caused me no small amount of discomfort, obviously, but at the same time, it got me even more excited. The dragon probably thought it had me on the ropes, seeing as how it landed all the blows dealt so far.
I was going to show it just how wrong it was.
The dragon made it quite clear that it had no intention of freeing my leg. The hairs on my face tingled from his burning breath as he leaned in, his rage-filled eyes staring directly into my own. That was my opportunity; without giving it a second thought, I chomped down on the spear and swung forward with all my strength. I was determined to hit something, and judging by the roar that followed, I must have succeeded.
He reared his head back in pain and flailed haphazardly. I could see the wooden spear handle sticking from where a dragon's ears would be... you know, if they had ears. Like I mentioned before, the spear isn't particularly lethal unless you activate the spring mechanism; unfortunately, the damn thing jerked it out of my mouth before I could set it off. I always finish what I start, though, and if it meant climbing a frenzied dragon's head, then so be it.
In his moment of insanity, the dragon released my leg from under his foot. The leg wasn't exactly going to be doing me favors for the rest of that fight, but all I needed was to be able to move again. Using my wings to propel myself, I hauled myself up the beast's body, holding on as much as I could with my forelegs. He just kept swinging around, roaring and shooting flames in the air, but he didn't seem to notice me while he was fixated on the spear in his head.
The very moment the spear handle was within reach, I used all four legs to grip anything on his head that I possibly could. The rapid movement certainly wasn't making my job any easier; I quite clearly felt the handle smack my face a couple of times while I was trying to finagle the mechanism. In the flurry of madness, my mouth finally found its mark, and I jerked that stupid thing around like crazy until something happened.
The telltale "sproing" sound finally made its entrance, and everything went still.
The dragon's claws kept swinging, but more from delirium than anger. I allowed myself to fall from his head, landing painfully on the ground nearby. He followed suit, stumbling forward before tripping over himself. A mighty crash silenced the mountain, and the beast lay motionless. Limping over to the activated spear, I inspected the surprisingly clean wound it had inflicted.
Sure enough, he was dead as a doorknob.
I killed a dragon.
"Ha... ha ha..." The adrenaline finally caught up to me, and I started to lose it. "T-That's right... not so t-tough now, are you?!" The feeling was incredible; I felt the thrill of the intense battle flow through me, causing shivers I couldn't even hope to stop. It was the thrill of surviving.
It was the thrill of almost dying.
"I killed you. I killed a dragon." I was laughing, in spite of nearly being obliterated and possibly never being able to use my leg again. "In the name of Celestia, I killed you! For buckin' Equestria, dragon!"
I knew that wasn't true, however. I hadn't done that for Celestia. I hadn't done it for Equestria. If I hadn't been so caught up in my twisted enjoyment of the death of another creature, I could have realized just how terrifying a revelation this was. I could have prevented something terrible.
I was so stupid.
"Wonder how many more of you are out there..." I yanked the spear a few times to see if I could get it to budge; unfortunately, the hardest part of using the spear is getting it back afterwards. "Doesn't matter... I'll take 'em all on." The world started to grow dark; I thought perhaps my fatigue had gotten the best of me, until I noticed strange movements in the shadows around me. "Must be some clouds." I looked up at the skylight above.
There were no clouds.
Finally taking a moment to acknowledge my surroundings, I realized that something was breathing on my back. That same something was casting an enormous shadow over me and my kill. Turning to get a look at the intruder, I realized that same something really, really wanted to kill me.
I was in shock; as the colossal dragon prepared what could only be a massive blast of fire breath, I just sat there and watched. I was dead; there was nothing I could do, and worst part of it all was that some small part of me was actually excited by this.
Like, I was actually glad a dragon was about to roast me alive.
"Lightning, look out!"
I could barely comprehend what was happening; all I knew was that without moving a muscle in my body, I was suddenly tumbling away from the menacing beast. For a brief second, everything felt peaceful as I lay in the grass. Then I felt the immense heat. Then I heard the scream.
It was Tailslide's scream.
I couldn't even turn my head to see the aftermath of the blast. The screaming only lasted for a moment before it was drowned out by the roaring flames. I could smell it, though. The crackling embers nearby carried the scent of burning hair; it was easily the most horrific scent I had ever encountered... and the actual smell had nothing to do with it.
I was still going to die, of course. My mind pretty much shut itself down at that point; everything was just a blur, an insane cocktail of adrenaline, pain, and fear. I didn't even care that the dragon was slowly turning towards me. I couldn't even comprehend the flying blurs descending upon it.
I didn't understand why the dragon suddenly fell to the earth.
I didn't know who the figures approaching me were.
One of them tried to say something to me. I couldn't understand it; my heart was too busy reveling in its sick ecstasy to let me hear anything.
The others swarmed around the charred figure on the ground. I knew it was Tailslide, but I just couldn't bring myself to care.
All I knew was that I almost died. And I loved it.
I'm no longer in the Equestrian Royal Guards.
I would say that this is fate's way of telling me that I shouldn't be a part of any action-oriented group based on my track record, were it not for one important factor. When I left the Wonderbolt Academy, it was because I was kicked out for reckless endangerment. I got an earful from the captain, and was sent packing. My departure from the Royal Guards was a bit different, however.
Make no mistake, my superiors were tweaked about what I did on Smokey Mountain. "Blatant disregard" this, "buckin' idiot" that... I got the full course lecture combo meal. The General was primed and ready to kick my sorry flank out, and to be perfectly honest, I would have deserved it. To my surprise, however, I had one supporter who managed to turn things around.
Commander Turbulence himself spoke on my behalf, convincing the General that my bravado and courage in the face of danger made me just the type of pony the front lines needed. That's right, he not only defended my idiocy, but suggested that I be moved to a station far more suitable for both my abilities and my desires. The General wasn't pleased about it, but he reluctantly agreed to let me stay.
That's what made this different from the Wonderbolt Academy. I wasn't kicked out; far from it, in fact.
No, I chose to leave the Royal Guards myself.
Turbulence's words were encouraging, but dead wrong. I'm not brave. I'm not a leader. I'm not even a fighter, despite taking a dragon down by myself. When I told him this during my departure, he claimed that I was just feeling sorry for myself because of Tailslide's death.
"The most important rule in the Royal Guards is to never pity a fallen soldier," he told me. "Tailslide sacrificed himself to protect your life. He chose to die for a cause he believed was just, and you'd be doing him a disservice to waste the life he saved on self-pity and crying."
If anything, Turbulence's words only cemented my decision to leave even further. For whatever reason, Tailslide had decided that I was worth dying for. We barely even knew each other, yet he sacrificed everything his future held in store for him just so that I could be given another chance to buck up. That was his reason for fighting. His reason for dying.
In those heart pounding moments on the mountain, I had found my reason for fighting as well. I didn't fight for my country. I didn't fight for heroism or pride or baths or anything. I truly wanted to believe that I could force myself into dangerous situations for something beyond cheap thrills and the exhilaration of knocking on Death's door, but the more I looked back on that mission and on the rest of my life to that point, it only became more clear.
I would die... for dying. That's all.
Fighting dragons, performing high-speed nosedives, creating out-of-control tornadoes for a task as simple as clearing clouds... I wasn't just reckless, I was practically suicidal. I don't actually want to die, but that feeling of being so close to the end is, ironically, what I live for.
I didn't deserve to call myself a Wonderbolt, or a Royal Guard. Those titles are reserved for ponies who believe in the value of life, both for themselves and others. To give your life for the benefit of something or somepony, no matter what it may be, is truly honorable. I feel that I can fully understand what Tailslide was talking about, now that I know I am a pony whose reason for fighting has no benefit. Unless the near-deaths of five of your wing pony's best friends or the horrifyingly painful death of your scouting partner count as "benefits".
At least I know the answer to that question now. I know what I was doing on the mountain, at the academy, or anywhere else in Equestria.
I hate it.
I hate it so goddamn much.