//------------------------------// // 3. Oh Yes, There Will Be Brad // Story: The Mixed-Up Life of Brad // by D G D Davidson //------------------------------// The Mixed-Up Life of Brad by D. G. D. Davidson III. Oh Yes, There Will Be Brad “He loves her deeply. I could taste it in his heart.” In the high court of Canterlot, Princess Cadance sat on a portable throne carved from a single piece of quartz. Just to the left stood Princess Celestia’s throne of gold. Celestia rested her chin on a hoof and brooded. Light from the chamber’s many stained-glass windows dappled her white coat with reds, blues, and pinks. “What was your impression of him?” she asked. “He is a little rough-mannered, but not unkind,” Cadance said. “He is very loyal to Twilight, though I do not think he has yet fully grasped what’s happened. He is in denial.” Celestia lowered her hoof and sighed. “The fault is ultimately mine. Perhaps Twilight was not ready—” “You couldn’t control when she became an alicorn, Auntie. It was her destiny.” “But I steered her toward it. I trained her for it. Lifting ponies to their full potential is part of my task, and sometimes I fail—” Cadance waved a hoof through the air, letting the window’s light play across the gleaming copper of her bell boot. “You didn’t train me. I became an alicorn without your help.” “That’s why I snatched you up and made you my adopted niece before you could do any damage, Cadance! I trained you after the fact, and I trained her before. Either way, you are both my trainees, and when you err, the fault is mine.” Cadance, a mischievous smile on her face, stood from her own throne and climbed into Celestia’s, tucking herself up against Celestia’s side. “Auntie, are you really sure she’s erred? Their love is true.” Celestia nuzzled Cadance’s cheek, but then rapped her on the nose. “You care so much for love that you forget other things, Cadance. Apparently, in his own kingdom, Brad is a child: Twilight took him away from his home, and because the mirror has shattered, we cannot send him back. By the law of any civilized land, Twilight Sparkle has committed an act of abduction, coercion, and, I fear, even seduction—” “She was, as I understand, thrust into the body of an adolescent. I think some brash action can be expected.” “Perhaps, but within limits.” “Let me tell you something,” Cadance said as she leaned her head on Celestia’s shoulder. “Soon after Twilight first became an alicorn, before she traveled to the human world, she came to me for advice on how to run a kingdom, and I reminded her of how I ascended to princesshood after defeating the witch Prismia. I described coming here shortly after to be tutored by you—” “The time when you were also her foalsitter.” “Yes, of course. I off-hoofedly mentioned that, while I was foalsitting her and learning under you, I had a terrible crush on her brother. When I said that, she said one word in reply that stuck in my mind, and I pondered it for many days after. I think it holds the key to understanding what has happened between her and Brad.” Celestia lifted an eyebrow. “What was the word?” “The word was, ‘Yuck.’” Celestia blinked a few times, and then she laughed. Cadance frowned and tapped Celestia’s neck with her horn. “Auntie, I think you do not understand the implications.” “I think, dear Cadance, that you have a—what should I call it?—a love myopia. Not everypony need be thrilled by your picture-perfect romance with my former captain, without whom, by the way, the Royal Guard is becoming downright sloppy.” Cadance pouted. “When I foalsat Twilight, I found her to be a delightful, well-behaved, charming little filly. But she had no friends. Her only delight in life was books, and I saw that continue and even worsen as she grew older. She is brilliant, Auntie. She has one of the best minds in Equestria, but in some ways she never really matured.” “Because she never swooned over stallions? Really, Cadance? That, to your mind, is the mark of immaturity? I never swooned over them either: I chose not to, because I knew my task was too terrible to be laid as a burden on the back of a husband.” “You never opposed my marriage.” “You are your own princess, Cadance, and you must follow your own path. I believe you and Shining will have many joys—and many sorrows, as I warned you.” A mischievous grin appeared on her face. “Besides, I knew I couldn’t have stopped you. Your adoptive mother warned me that you’d been chasing colts since you were old enough to walk.” “That’s not true!” Cadance’s face turned bright red. Celestia laughed again, and her grin grew wider. “Ah, I made awful promises to your mother when I took you in, and I feared I would be unable to keep them! Seeing how you turned the head of every guardspony when you walked by—” “Stop it!” Cadance turned up her muzzle. “I only had eyes for Shining Armor.” “Perhaps, but plenty of other stallions had eyes for you, I assure you. A great many glasses of sarsaparilla have been drunk in your name in late-night taverns, and on your wedding night, half the stallions in Canterlot had their hearts broken.” “Half the mares, too. Shining has turned his own fair share of heads. But you are distracting me, Auntie. Surely Twilight’s solitude was abnormal.” Celestia turned serious. “It’s partly true, at least. I grew concerned over her lack of friends, and I at last felt the need to take drastic action, which seemed to have worked. But now I am not so sure.” “By becoming human, she also became an adolescent again,” said Cadance. “We are seeing, I think, the result of growing pains: you might say she’s making up for what she missed the first time through.” Celestia pressed her hooves together in front of her face, and her brow furrowed. “Not just a human, but an alicorn. You were a youth when you transformed, so it was easier for you. For an adult, however, it is not pleasant; the body begins growing again.” She stretched out one forelimb and turned it back and forth. “You grow these long, skinny legs.” “And you fall madly in love?” Cadance asked. Celestia glanced sidelong at her. “Young love is often short-lived.” “It doesn’t have to be. I fell for Shining Armor when I was young. I have counseled—and married—a great many couples who’ve barely reached their majority.” “And they are happy?” Cadance beamed. “Every couple I match is happy, Auntie.” “Nonetheless, even if Twilight’s action was the brash behavior of an adolescent girl, she still had the mind and the experience of an adult.” Celestia lowered her head and closed her eyes. “The law’s full weight must fall on her. I cannot shield her.” Cadance gazed out into the wide, empty room. The fountain at the base of the thrones’ high dais babbled softly. “Their marriage—” “Impossible.” “Is it? Even if Brad has not reached the age of majority in his own land, he has reached it here. He has a full sixteen years, and that makes him not much younger than she.” “As if that were the only barrier! You tell me: would they be happy?” Cadance stared at the stained-glass windows for half a minute, moving her eyes between scenes of Celestia and Luna’s conquests. Her eyes fell at last on the image of Twilight and the other Element Bearers defeating Nightmare Moon. “No. No, they could not be happy. They could love each other dearly, of course. They could have many fond moments and many pleasing things. By their great love, they could cherish even their agonies and disappointments. But could they be happy? No. I do not think so.” “And if that is your opinion, Cadance, then nopony would dare argue the point.” “Twilight would argue. So would Brad.” “Brad will of course be free. Since he is an abductee, I cannot convict him of trespass, and since we cannot send him home, he must be naturalized. Twilight, I fear, will go to a dungeon. It seems she has become a princess only to be made an example of: an alicorn may be sovereign within her appointed kingdom, but she is not above the law of all the land.” Cadance threw her hind legs over one of the throne’s hoofrests, rolled onto her back, and gazed up at Celestia’s face, provoking Celestia to run her hooves through Cadance’s hair. “You cannot mean that.” “It’s not that I want it, child. I dearly do not want it. But I don’t think I can prevent it.” “Fluttershy took your pet phoenix, but you didn’t charge her with theft.” “She robbed me personally. It was in my power to pardon.” “It’s still in your power. You can pardon anypony.” “There have to be limits, and this is behavior too reckless to go unpunished.” “Auntie—” Celestia shook her head. “My personal judgment is clouded. The Cosmic Council must decide this.” “Twilight is on good terms with everypony on the Council, and she is famous throughout Equestria. Everypony’s judgment is clouded.” “It’s the best I can do. No lower court can try her.” “I will defend her, you know.” “Please do. Since she acted out of love, everypony will expect you to make a defense. It pains me, but I must remain silent; otherwise, I shall have the Timekeepers, the Geldings, Cloudsdale, and possibly the noble families to contend with. And I couldn’t much blame them.” Cadance snorted. “You know, in the Crystal Empire, we don’t have all these factions. The first queen declared that everypony would be equal.” “And she enforced that equality quite brutally, from what I understand of the Empire’s early history. If Equestria hadn’t annexed the Empire, the queen there would have the power of a dictator.” Cadance closed her eyes and rocked her head back and forth as Celestia stroked her mane. “I wouldn’t abuse such power.” “The pony who came after you might, and the pony who came before you certainly did. We need our little factions and fights, even if they threaten harmony, lest anypony have too much control.” “You’re changing the subject, Auntie. You’re worried sick about Twilight, I can tell. You want to pardon her, so why don’t you?” “I have asked you, my niece, never to use your magic on me.” “I don’t need magic to sense your feelings, only old-fashioned horse sense. There is a loophole in the law, you know, one that would keep Twilight out of the dungeon and allow you to continue grooming her for her future kingdom.” “It would stain her honor,” said Celestia. “Too late for that! And if you must have punishment, remember that neither of them will be pleased with the decision. Is there any point in chaining Twilight Sparkle to a dank wall beneath the castle? You know she doesn’t deserve it.” “I know it very well.” Celestia looked away and continued stroking Cadance’s hair. “If you help me, I can manipulate the Council.” “I will. Though it might not be the most pleasant, it could be the best solution.” “Indeed. But since we are speaking of love and marriage and related things, tell me, while I have you pinned down”—Celestia placed a hoof against Cadance’s breast to prevent her from rising—“when are you finally going to bless me with the closest thing I will ever have to grandchildren?” Cadance tipped her head back and giggled long and loud. “Believe me, Auntie, it’s not for lack of trying. Come here.” She grabbed Celestia’s head and pulled it down toward her belly. “Listen close and you might hear the heartbeat.” “What! Child, do you mean—?” “I do.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I just did.” “Did you use magic to determine if it’s a filly or a colt, or are you going to wait?” “I wish I’d waited, but I was so excited, I wanted to know. It’s a filly. Shining and I have talked baby names, but we want your advice. What do you think of Skyla?” “Sounds pegasus—” “I used to be a pegasus, you know.” “But you were raised by earth ponies.” “And I married a unicorn, and I rule the crystal ponies. Love and harmony between the tribes! Next, I shall make friends with sea ponies and mermares, and then I shall be complete.” “An admirable goal.” Celestia released Cadance, who, like a child playing, clambored over the hoofrests and back into her own throne. Then Cadance leaned over and swiftly rubbed Celestia’s nose with her own. “Now there is a new creature in our land, and I am going to see to it he feels welcome. Punishing the mare he loves is not the way to do it, I think.” Celestia frowned and steepled her hooves before her face. “In a day or two, I’ll join you again in the Crystal Empire after I have arranged everything here. I wish you the best, Cadance. If anypony can move the Council toward mercy, it is you.” Celestia turned her head away, but not before Cadance caught a glimpse of a tear in her eye.