Why am I in a cartoon?

by Frake

Chapter 11 (Bridle Gossip)

Another day in the beautiful town of Ponyville and it is clear blue skies for as far as the eye can see, not a single trouble to be found, in fact there is no one at all to be found... what gives? Did all the ponies suddenly become deathly afraid of me again? or maybe there is some sort of emergency that must be dealt with? Well whatever it is, I suddenly felt unnerved and reached for my handgun instinctual. With gun in hand, I made my way towards the middle of town, when I spotted some familiar faces, Spike and Twilight.
"Spike, Twilight, what's going on?" I asked as I continued to observe the empty streets, but neither seemed to know what was going on either. Spike looked just a nervous as me and asked,
"Do you think it could be zombies?" I laughed at this and said,
"That's funny, I asked that when I first showed up here... you know I never did find out if you have zombies on this planet." Which I followed up by looking questioningly at Twilight, along with Spike, but she just giggled and told us that we read to many comic books, which I guess meant no.
We continued on until we reached Sugarcube Corner, when suddenly a giant pink worm popped out from behind the door and started to lure us over, it even knew our names. Pinkies head then popped over the the door (ah, that makes a lot more sense) and she pulled us all in, whispering about something terrifying. Turns out that Pinkie wasn't the only one hiding inside the establishment and all the rest of the girls were gathered around, as well as Applebloom. Twilight asked what they were all hiding from and Applejack pointed out the window at a cloaked pony, or at least that's what it looked like, but this was when it looked at use with yellow glowing eyes.
"Oh that's neat, glowy eyes." I said out loud, but no one seemed to share my sentiment and most of the girls started to tell us about how this Zecora was evil, but the more I heard, the more it started to sound like what happened to me when I showed up in town. Then Zecora took off her hood and I was able to see what she really was.
"Oh, look at that, a zebra... wait really? Zecora the zebra, her parents must have been very uninspired when they named her." I said, but my humorous comment went unnoticed for the more pressing matter of what a zebra was, (not for me, but the ponies) which Twilight explained. It pretty much boiled down to that they were foreigners from another land, but then Twilight asked where Zecora lived, which was answered with the Everfree forest. They explaining how the plants grew by themselves, the animals cared for themselves and the clouds moved on there own. I scoffed and said,
"Seriously? I pulled my handgun out for this? Back you go Hank... anyway, you do know that is how my entire planet works right? Not to mention that our sun and moon move by themselves, without the need of some magic to set them in motion. I am failing to see why this zebra is scarier that me and why you all seem to be shunning her, It's totally not cool by the way. I mean I was treated like this by the rest of the ponies in town when I got here and I didn't like it at all, so think about how she would feel." The girls decided to ignore me and defend there view by telling me more about Zecora and how she was "evil", but all of there reasons were highly fear based and had nothing to do with anything remotely evil (even if Pinkies song and dance was pretty catchy). Twilight, Applebloom and I weren't buying it, but where Twilight decided to defend Zecora, I decided to go and talk to Zecora to prove the high level of stupidity they were all indulging in. I walked out the door, towards the pony sized zebra, but oddly no one seemed to notice me go and I walked right up to her.
"Hello, my name is James and I am the local human, how do you do?" Zecora looked up in utter surprise and asked,
"I have never seen a creature such as you, do your kind come from across the deep blue?" I smiled at the odd rhyming trait of this zebra and replied,
"Farther, I come for another planet, it's called earth. It's a rather long story, but the short version is that I found my way here by accident, but retained the ability to travel between both worlds. By some odd twist of fate, I now have to come back to this town every week and interact with the local ponies or I may find myself in a large amount of trouble. Anyway, I noticed that the ponies seem to be afraid of you and I just wanted to apologizes for there poor way of treating you." She smiled at me and responded,
"What an odd story for you to weaved, it would almost be to hard for me to believe, but as for your kind words and the heart felt apology, I thank you with a smile and compliment you biology." I grinned widely at the compliment and decided to try to get a rise out of Zecora by returning,
"Thanks, you look pretty good yourself, with your tight curves and exotic strips. You pull off the mystical beauty look very well." I followed this with a wink and the results were fantastic, for Zecora blushed and looked like she wanted to run away, but she had the decency to respond first.
"If you would excuses me I must go and return to my hut, potions need mixing before the days end and my doors shut." With that she turned and ran away, leaving me holding back giggles as she practically fled the area with an embarrassed glow to her cheeks. However at that second, Applebloom came rushing past me, towards the direction that Zecora had gone and she looked determined. I started to follow after and yelled,
"Hey Applebloom, what ya doing?" She looked back and returned,
"If you can speak to Zecora than so can I, I'll show you all that I'm a big pony!" I sighed as I realized that some sort of wacky hijinks were about to occur, but I followed along anyway because as an adult, it was my job to protect the young, even it was from themselves. I raced after the small foal, screaming,
"Applebloom stop! Zecora is headed in to the Everfree, you know the place that has a bunch of bloodthirsty monsters creeping in it. Applebloom!" Sadly Applebloom didn't seem to hear me and continued to run straight for the dark, mystical forest. (Well here we go again!)

I had been chasing Applebloom for a good while now and I could see a field of foreboding blue flowers up ahead, so I decided to put on a little more speed to catch her. I sprinted behind her before leaping after her to stop her from getting to the untrustworthy flowers, but I misjudged the distance and flew head first in to the field. This happened so quickly that I didn't hear the rest of the girls running up behind and screaming for Applebloom to stop.
Applebloom to her credit, did in fact stop, but that didn't really help me for I could feel immediately congested from the pollen in the flowers, stuffed in to my face. I have always had an allergy to most flowers, but it never was this quick of a reaction before, but I guess that one couldn't really tell with an alien flora. I got to my feet to find that the girls had followed me in to the flowers and were glaring at something in the distance, so I followed there gaze to find Zecora. She however did not look happy and started to rhyme speak about the plants we were standing in, more or less saying that they were dangerous.
"Oh damn it, I knew that there was something odd about these flowers, I wondar waatiss wonng wiitthh tem... ahhhh iiee cee." I said as my tongue started to swell up, but oddly enough the girls just ignored what I was saying and started yelling out stupid stuff about Zecora and her rhyming, calling it a curse. I facepalmed before yelling,
"Enufffff! Shiiee ethh not weavel." but sadly they didn't understand what I had said and they all just looked at me funny, but that was when I started to have a rather extreme headache, I might even call it a migraine. I let out a low, painful moan and my vision started to get blurry, which I wasn't thrilled about at all, before I started to feel my lungs tightening up. At this point I knew I was in real trouble, but there wasn't much I could do, and then the hacking started, which I'm pretty sure lead to me coughing up blood, but I really don't remember much after that moment. I do remember Twilight yelling out my name, but that is pretty much it.

When I came to, I was in Twilight's spare bed and covered in a blanket, but what I really noticed right away was that I was naked. I looked around the room and found all of my friends either waiting or sleeping, so I opened my sore throat and asked,
"What happened? I feel like someone hit me with a truck." This got all eyes on me and any ponies that were asleep woke up, as a tide of happy equines descended upon me with relieved eyes. I soon found myself in a group hug, but this just added to my confusion, however Twilight soon answered my question.
"Oh James, we're so glad you are okay! I teleported you to the hospital and they told me that you had an extreme reaction to those blue flowers we were standing in. They then gave you a shot and you started to looking like yourself again... I asked if you should stay and recover, but they told me that they didn't have a large enough bed to accommodate you, however they did say that you would be just fine in a few hours, so I took you home and used my spare bed." I smiled at this and replied,
"I guess the rest of the girls followed you then-" This bought me an extra round of hugs from the ponies that were crowding the bed I was in and I instantly aware of how very thin the sheet covering me was.
"Uhh, so why am I naked?" Twilight smiled sheepishly and responded,
"Well I had to wash your clothes so they didn't have any pollen left on them, but this also allowed me to study your body and take those picture that you were so resistant to take." I sighed and asked,
"Did you at least make them tasteful? I would hate to have nude pic's floating around that didn't capture my best side... but on a more serious note, I would like those pictures, I didn't give consent for those to be taken." Twilight pouted and asked,
"But why? They almost complete the file I have on you, I still need the semen sample, but I can wait on that. Besides that, your body is very beautiful when it isn't covered in all those clothes." I slapped my hand in to my face a few times while groaning and responded,
"Twilight, I didn't want to go in to this, but you don't really leave me any choice on the matter. Humans wear clothes for a multitude of reasons, warmth, style and protection come to mind, but the main reason is modesty. Humans connect being naked with sexuality and the less we have on the more it affects each other in that regard. It isn't the same for those of the same sex... most of the time, but it still makes us highly uncomfortable. We don't have fur or tails or sheaths to hide our genitals and since we stand straight up, they are always on display." Meanwhile, Twilight was furiously writing down what I had said and she had a great big smile as she did so, but all the other ponies were now looking down at my blanket that covered my waist with interest.
"I wondered why it was just hanging out like a limp noddle when Twilight undressed you, now I know... so no sheath, does that mean that it is as large as it gets?" Pinkie asked as I hide my face behind my hands, before saying,
"No, that is it at rest, it gets about three times longer, if you must really know." Pinkie sighed and said,
"Oh thank goodness! I was a little worried there for a second." I rolled my eyes and decided that a new topic was a good idea,
"Soooo, what happened to Applebloom? I don't see her around." Applejack had a sour look as she said,
"I had her go home to clean out the pig pens, it just ain't right how she disobeyed me like that! She knows that Zecora is one of those evil voodoo witches." A funny look crossed my face as I responded,
"Okay, what the hell! I talked to her and there is nothing wrong with her, maybe the rhyming thing that she does is a little odd, but she isn't evil, so why in the world would you all have such prestigious against her? And no more stupid excuses." Applejack suddenly looked afraid as sweat beaded on her face and I knew something was up, but before I could really grill her, Pinkie screamed out,
"No Applejack! He isn't an earth pony, he wouldn't understand!" I looked over at Pinkie with confusion, as well as the rest of the girls and at that point Pinkie realized what she had said, which lead to her slapping both her hooves over her mouth in shock. I gave Applejack a piercing gaze and growled out,
"Spill it Applejack, I don't care if you don't think I will understand, something isn't right here and I won't stand for it!" Applejack looked utterly downtrodden as she let out a sad little sigh, but she still did as I asked and said,
"It's like this, A small group of earth ponies have known about zebras for generations, but we never shared what we knew with the other races because of the terrible secret. There are a few families in every town across equestria that know the secret and it was passed down for generations. The truth is that Zebras and earth ponies have a long history together. It all started back a few hundred years ago, a large group of earth ponies were looking to set up a new town on the outskirts of Equestria when they found them. At first the ponies were overjoyed at finding others that were just like them, but that soon changed when it was found out that Zebras were a highly war like race. Everything about the Zebras was centered around being able to fight and kill, which terrified the earth ponies. If the other pony races found out about how similar the Zebras were to the earth ponies then they would bring shame to all earth pony kind.
You have to realizes that earth ponies were looked down upon as a lesser race for the longest time and only in the last half century has all the bias finally started to die. Unlike what pony history may tell you, racism didn't die with the combining of the three tribes, it only brought it to an unhappy truce. We spread the lies about Zebras because It would have ruined what little respect we had from the Pegasus and unicorns if the Zebra had been compared to all earth ponies.
I guess that it really isn't relevant any more, now that I think about it, but it has always been pounded in to our heads that It would devastate the earth pony way and no pony has had the courage to step up and end it."
I looked around the room and found looks of shame and shock on many faces, I guess reveling a cultures dark history will do that, but I just smiled and said,
"Thank you for telling me and you all don't have to look so ashamed, my country has a much more terrible past then anything you might find in your own. So don't think that I don't understand, however that doesn't mean that amends shouldn't be made. In order to brake the chain of hate, someone needs to make a stand and stop the bad behavior and simply put, Zecora deserves an apology." All the ponies looked even more ashamed, well except for Twilight, who looked smug, but I ignored that and continued,
"Now I do believe that I'm close to passing out, guess I need some more rest, anyway you girls should head home and prepare to apologizes to Zecora tomorrow." A round of nodding later and everyone began to clear out of the spare room I was in. Twilight remained behind however and she looked like she wanted to say something, which she did.
"How do you do that? You somehow always manage to steer ponies toward a better choice that no pony even thought about as an option, but you do it in such a way that no pony ever knows you are doing it. I didn't even know you were doing it until just now, but you do it all the time, what is up with that?" I laughed and said,
"I guess it's a talent that my whole family has, we have always been able to change a mob mentality without looking like we are doing so, plus my perspective as a human gives me a different way of seeing things. Now then, I hope that quenches your thirst for knowledge, because I really do need to sleep." Twilight blushed and responded,
"Umm yeah, Goodnight James." I yawned and responded,
"Goodnight Twilight."

I awoke to find that my whole body ached and not in a pleasant 'I just worked out and feel the burn but its good' ache, no, this was a 'I think someone removed my kidneys in my sleep and I may need a machine to live from now on' ache. I pulled myself out of bed, but I soon face-planted in to the floor with a thud followed with me groaning in pain. I wobbled on to my hands and legs as I tried to figure out why I couldn't stand straight, but then I finally looked down. What I found would scar my mind for the rest off my life and awakened a fear I didn't even know I had.

(just in case you are deprived of the video, I wouldn't want you to not experience the brilliance that were my thoughts, that would be terrible loss. damn it, why doesn't sarcasm translate in to the written word.)
"wha... what is this? whats going on here, wha... what...what the hell, ehh, ehhhh, ehhhhhh! What the, ahh, ahhha, ahhhhhhhhhh!" my My mind refused to believe what it was seeing, but my lips were perfectly capable of expressing how unhappy I truly was. I had somehow turned in to a pony and by God was I pissed, I must have ranted and raved for a good ten minutes, until I finally stopped and allowed my mind to take back control.
When it did, I noticed that I was perfectly walking on my own without having to practice, but then I focused on what I was doing and immediately fell back on to the ground. I got back on to my hooves (nooooo!) and tried to walked again, but crashed back down, so I decided to think about what I was doing wrong. I figured out that it must be instinct that was allowing me to walk around without aid, so I focused on the wall as I allowed my body to work on its own. It worked and I was soon moving towards the the walk, but I then found that my legs were facing the wrong direction when I moved. This was highly disconcerting, but I focused on the way the muscles moved and I was soon able to recreate the moments without falling flat on to my face.
I celebrated my small victory and moved towards the door, but then I noticed a new challenge, hooves shouldn't be able to work a door knob. I rubbed my chin with my hoof and started to think, but then I realized that what I was doing was something I shouldn't be able to do. Not only was I rubbing my chin, but I was bending my leg in a way it shouldn't be able to move... my jimmies were rustled. I warily continued to play with my hooves and I somehow held on to my face, which defied everything I knew about the ability of holding something and how solid objects worked. I quickly let go of my preconceived ideas and assumed it must have been some sort of magic, which calmed me greatly.
After this new outlook, I was able to turn the knob of the door, but I remembered the few things that were inside of my pocket the day before. I found them on a little table next to the bed, but I soon found that they would be little use to me in the form I found myself in. Key and wallet... completely worthless, handgun and remote, not gonna happen in this body. Yep, there was no reason to take them with me, at least until I found a way to return to my original body.
I let out a long sigh and thought about anything else I should do before leaving the room, but nothing came to mind and I finally left. I stepped in to the library to find the main six, (that has a catchy ring to, don't you think?) but something was wrong with them as well. Twilight's horn was limp, Pinkie's tongue was overinflated, Rarity's hair looked like a sheep dog's, Applejack was tiny and perched on top of her sister (strangely, nothing was wrong with Applebloom), Rainbow's wings were on backwards, and I was yet to see what was wrong with Fluttershy. However I soon found out when she was forced to talk by the others and I heard how incredibly deep her voice was, which made me say out loud,
"Damn girl, that's a deep voice, I bet you could stand in for Barry White." This earned me a group wide gasp and I was suddenly aware that I was now occupying a different body that no one had ever seen before. Twilight was first to speak,
"Who are you!? and how did you get in to my house!?" I laughed and responded,
"Who do you think I am? Santa? It's me, James!" Another gasp ripped through the small room as realization was grasped and everyone started to crowd around me. I sighed as I was poked and prodded, but soon I felt something cold prodding my most sensitive area, causing me to whip my head around with wide eyes.
"Pinkie! Did you just stick your nose in between my thighs?!" Pinkie started to sweat while blushing and she started to nod yes, before quickly changing her mind and shaking her head no. My tail quickly wrapped around my underside and I eyed Pinkie with suspicion.
"No! Bad Pinkie, no trying to molest me!" I yelled out and Pinkie just shrugged with a bit of a blush remaining on her face, like it couldn't be helped. I continued to give her the eye until Rarity decided to speak up next.
"Wahhaha-wow James, you have the same coloring as when you were a human, well except for that awful blue strip and I must say that you cut a rather striking figure, who knew you could be so handsome" I lost focus on Pinkie when I was distracted by Rarity's speech and responded,
"So I guess you didn't find me to be very handsome as my human self?" Rarity gulped and said,
"Well.. no, not really, but now you actually look pretty good." I laughed in slight pain and responded,
"Oww my pride, you really know how to hit a guy where it hurts. Heck, Celestia said that I looked rather good, but I guess she does have odd tastes." Rarity blushed when she realized how she sounded, but before she could rectify what she had said, Fluttershy intervened,
"I think that you are just as handsome as you were then as you are now." She said this with her wings erected behind her back and a big blush on her face, which I found to be rather brave of her.
"Thank you very much Fluttershy, that makes me feel better. Well anyway, we should probably find out why we are all like this." Applejack decided to respond to this as she said,
"I know why we are like this, it's because of that low down, no good Zecora!" I sighed and responded,
"Didn't we confirm that Zebras don't have those kinds of powers and it is all just a bunch of hogwash?" Applejack blushed widely and said,
"Oh yeah... sometimes I forget that those are lies and not the real thing." Then she hung her head in shame, which I decided I had to rectify.
"No need for that, We can apologize later........ in fact I think that she could help us, she tried to warn us about those flowers yesterday and I think that they did this to us." I said as it occurred that the blue strip in my hair was the exact same shade of blue as the flowers, just like the spots on Pinkie and Twilight. Suddenly Applebloom's eyes bugged out of her head and she gasped loudly.
"Wait just an Apple picking minute, are you telling me that all those mean things that everypony has been saying about Zecora are just a bunch a lies?" Applebloom screeched out and the immature thought of 'Uh oh, looks like somebodies in trouble.' popped in to my head, but luckily for me I had the common sense to keep that thought within my brain. Applejack looked as if she someone has branded her butt with a hot poker and she was forced to look in to the much larger eyes of her little sister.
"Now Applebloom... you don't understand, we were just doin it to-to-to....uhhh, shoot, there ain't no good reason, I'm sorry for keeping this a secret from you Bloom. I promise that I won't lie to you again to protect an ancient secret held by all earth pony kind in the hopes of preserving our good image." Applebloom took on a look of confusion, but after a few seconds she responded,
"No problem big sis, I don't really get what you just said, but I do know that you apologized and that's good enough." I stifled a fit of giggles at the oddity of the situation, but then I decided to say,
"Right, we better go and get this all fixed up then, I want to spend as little time as a pony a necessary. Not to be rude, but this is absolutely terrible, I'm so freaking short! My whole body is constantly itchy and all my senses are way out of whack, I mean I can smell what Pinkie had for breakfast for God's sake. (It was Pancakes by the way) Plus I really, really, REALLY miss my hands." This got some eye rolls and few giggles, but we all agreed that we had to change this right away, so out the door we went.

I was walking down the road when I started to take notice of something, when you are turned in to a male pony and are walking behind female ponies, you will quickly become aware of how good female pony behinds look. The next thing you will become aware of is the fact that you are completely naked and that if you aren't careful, it will quickly become apparent how excited there posteriors make you. I was quickly forced to look away in to the surrounding area when my eyes found Dash trying to fly along side us (and failing spectacularly) and I was soon focused on her butt. 'Damn it, cute pony ass in every direction I look, I need to focus on something else and fast.' I decided to comment on something that had been bothering me for since I found the girls this morning.
"Dash! If you are going to keep crashing every time you fly, then stop freaking flying and walk for the love of God!" This must have been the twentieth time she had crash in to the surrounding landscape and it was really starting to get on my nerves.
"Oh yeah, I can walk.. hehe!" This made me facehoof, which really freaking hurt by the way, (hooves are not good for hitting ones face) and Dash finally started to walk along side us all, well except for Applebloom. She was running along the road up ahead in childish glee and It was at this point that Applejack decided to make her presence known by yelling in to my ear,
"So Sugarcube, I can't help notice that both Fluttershy and Pinkie are eying you like you are made of chocolate and caramel, anything you want to tell the rest of the girls?" I faltered in my walking and reached up to hold my very sensitive, pony ear she had yelled in to. I whimpered before responding,
"You know you don't have to yell, I'm pretty sure I can hear at least four times better than I could before, and to answer your poorly veiled question...... they want to start a herd with me." This got a round of squeals as all the ponies 'Femaled' out on me and I was forced to cover my aching ears. After the pain ended, Rarity spoke first,
"Oh ho ho, this is so very juicy, please do go on Darling." I sighed and responded,
"Not much to tell, I need time to sort out my feeling on the issue and the girls agreed to give me some space to do that." Rarity huffed and said,
"That can't be everything, I can see the way both of them are blushing at you, come on James, spill the beans!" True to her word both girls were giggling and giving me googly eyes, while blushing fiercely, and for some reason Fluttershy's wings were still completely stuck straight out. I bared my teeth and decided to come out with the whole story, so that it wouldn't come back to bite me in the butt, so I told them about earth custom, taboos and everything else that they needed to hear.
"That is very interesting and all, but I just know there is something we are missing, out with it." Rarity said, while hounding me for every last tidbit.
"Well, I did kiss Pinkie twice. but other than that I don't think I can remember anything else." There was another group wide gasp and Rarity eyes shinned with an terrifying glow.
"You not only kissed Fluttershy, but Pinkie as well and twice for good measure?! James, do you have some sort of sexy, stallion magic that you haven't told us about?" Rarity said and I rolled my eyes before returning,
"I don't have any magic at all, Twilight had me tested." This oddly got Twilight to stare at me with intensity for a whole minute, before saying,
"Now that I think about it, you really shouldn't have been able to turn in to a pony, that would take a huge amount of inner magic, and not only that, but pony specific magic. James, I may need to test you again when we get back to the library, something could be very wrong." Suddenly everything went deathly quite and I was left to wonder what other terrible things the blue flower had done to me.
We continued on in to the dark forest and the area matched the unpleasant thoughts I had whirling inside my head, but that didn't last long for Fluttershy walked up to me and started to talk in her deep voice.
"I'm sure you are just fine James, in fact I know that you are uhh... 'fine'." She put a lot of emphases on the word fine and I had to do a double take, 'did she just flirt with me', but before I contemplate this anymore she continued,
"You know you really do make a very handsome stallion, maybe you should stay in this form a little longer... if that is okay with you I mean." I smiled at Fluttershy's now obvious and adorable attempt at flirting, but I decided to be firm in my resolve.
"No can do Fluttershy, you all may be okay with being ponies, but I am so uncomfortable being a pony right now that if given the choice I would eat a big bag of dirt in exchange for being human again." Fluttershy let out a sad sigh and simply said, "Oh", which made me feel for her plight and I continued,
"But if you want to ogle me while I walk, feel free to look, I'll even give you a little show." and with that I moved if front of her and started to shake my rump and beat box a silly song to dance to, all the while I looked back at her while wiggling my eyebrows. I was expecting a little bit of giggling, but what I got instead was much more entertaining, Fluttershy's wings shot straight back up and she seemed to be hypnotized by my ass dance. At this point I had started to make the connection to wings and arousal, but I decided that I didn't really mind so much. What happened next however really started to amuse me, for Pinkie joined Fluttershy and started to nod along with my butt and she even tried to say something,
"Whoohh, Shaakk youuoou mooonneey maakar Jaaamms!" It was garbled, but I still understood and continued to shake what my mama gave me, earning a big grin from Pinkie, around her swelled tongue.
This was about the time that we stumbled upon Zecora's hut, all the while I was still shaking my butt, which had extreme consequences that I wouldn't have predicted ever actually happening to me. Turns out that there was a big, scary panther like thing made of some sort of black rock and it was near by when I started my impromptu show. Anyway, this rock stalker, as I soon found out later was it's name, was attracted by my posterior gyrating and started to stalk me, surprise surprise. However the best part about all of this is the fact that the rock stalker has an incredibly large territory and if we had shown up just a few minutes later I'm sure we would have completely past it up. Sadly we didn't pass it up and I soon had the monster pounce on my ass with it's very sharp claws, scaring all the girls, not to mention awakening the very strong fight or flight response in my altered pony brain. The reaction was near instantaneous when it sunk it's claws in me, my eyes enlarged to as big as they would go, I started to scream like a banshee, adrenaline shot in to my veins and I fled towards the nearest area of safety, Zecora's hut.
I burst through the door like a bat out of hell and started bucking with all of my might, completely losing any intelligence and turning to straight instinct. I vaguely remember destroying Zecora's home, but the thing at the forefront of my mind was the howling, cat like thing on my booty. It wouldn't let go no mater how hard I tried to shake it and I was quickly losing steam, but then, luckily for me, my savior came in the form of a bad ass zebra, wielding a long bamboo staff. Zecora stepped out of the shadows with a look of fury in her eyes and she quickly got to work on laying a beat down on the unprepared rock stalker. I had no idea that a stick made of bamboo could withstand the fierce strikes that Zecora pounded upon the big, stupid cat, but it held up as she proceeded to beat the kitty off my butt and around her entire hut (ha, more rhymes). After a few minutes of absolute pain, the rock stalker could take no more and shot out of the little shack while crying out in stupefied terror.
I slumped down on to the floor as the adrenaline faded from my body and the girls piled in to the hut, all the while crowding around Zecora in excitement and telling her how amazing she was. Fluttershy on the other hand shot over to me, quickly starting to freak out over the wounds I had collected and she was soon fondling my posterior, but in the most unpleasant way possible. Soon my butt was wrapped in gauze and I had no idea where it came from, but none the less the pain started to recede, which allowed me to focus on my surroundings. The entire place was in shambles, which made me blanch and I had to gain Zecora's attention so I could speak to her.
"Oh man, Zecora I'm so sorry about your home, I wasn't thinking at all when I busted in here, please forgive me for my stupidity." Zecora just rolled her eyes and responded,
"Any creature would have acted the same, then surely you are not to blame. However I do not think that we have met, so please tell me how you know my name as of yet?" I grinned and said,
"Ah, about that... you see I have only been a pony for the past few hours, so I think that you would know my name as James." Zecora looked utterly surprised and blushed a little before returning,
"It would seem that the Poison Joke did quite the number on you, but you make a fine stallion, this is surely true." I laughed and responded,
"Yeah, I'm getting that a lot lately, but I would really like the cure for this if you wouldn't mind. All my senses are bombarding me and what used to be a small trickle is now a sea of information, it is really starting to drive me insane. So please tell me that there is an easy way to fix this for I don't know how much more I can take." Zecora blanched and returned,
"I am sorry my friend, the pot of brew held what you needed to be cured, but worry not in the end for a solution has been assured." I raised my eyebrow with curiosity and asked,
"What do I need to do?"

Turns out that the cure was a concoction Zecora could easily make, but she needed a few ingredients she didn't have. Luckily the ingredients could be found back in town and on the way back the girls profusely apologized for being so very racist. Zecora accepted their apologies with grace and poise, as Rarity would probably say, but that still left us with the task of collecting the ingredients for the dumb hick locals, which also proved to be rather easy. Twilight managed to calm the holders of the herbs we needed and we soon found ourselves at the town spa with the herbs in tow.
After setting up the hot tub with the cure we all went in one by one and soon I was the last standing outside the bubbling brew. I watched everyone change back with little to no resistance, but I was a little wary of what the effects would be on me, when I knew that the magic was on my whole body. However, it didn't stop me for long and I decided to jump right in, the howling could be heard for miles I'm told.
Where as the change happened when I was asleep the first time, this time I was completely aware of my body morphing back and it was utterly terrible. In a matter of seconds, my whole body was torn apart by magic and quickly placed back together in human form. When I stopped screaming, I soon found that the pain had dissipated in to nothing, as if that made since, but I wasn't going to question it and was soon sighing in relief as the warm water flowed over me. The girls however weren't going let it be and Twilight soon screamed out,
"James! What happened?! All we felt was a lite tingling, but you sounded like you were in absolute pain. Do you need to go to a doctor?" I smiled lazily and responded,
"I feel great now, I guess it just had a more violent reaction with me, but no, I don't need a doctor." All the girls looked at me with varying degrees of confusion, but they all soon let it go, well, except for Twilight, but she decided to remain quite for the time. So we relaxed after the unpleasant days events and enjoyed each others company, but Zecora soon had to return to her hut and after about an hour we all had to get out of the tub. This was when I remembered that I didn't have any clothes on and that none were nearby to be used.
"What's wrong there sugarcube, you look like you just saw a ghost." Applejack asked, and I quickly responded,
"I forgot that I was completely naked and well... you know the conversation we had about...umm, my dangily bits? Yeah... maybe you should take your sister outside, if you don't want her to start asking questions, that is." Applejack started to chuckle, but complied and escorted her sister outside, much to Applebloom's confusion. I blushed a little while I got out of the tub and all the girls got an eyeful, but I just figured that it was mostly all in my own head and this seemed to be true for they didn't really seem to care. Except for Pinkie, that is, who now able to talk without impediment decided to voice what she was feeling,
"Woooo! Look at that tight butt, makes me want to take a bite, *growl*." I was filled with such conflicting emotions at that moment, on the one side was extreme embarrassment, but on the other side was a severe case of pride. So with a large blush I strutted over to the dry towels and wrapped it around my midsection. When I turned around I found that the all of the girls (except for Pinkie) were now blushing with as much strength as I was. I laughed and said,
"Thanks Pinkie, no one has ever said something so.. unique about my body before. Anyway, I'm probably head over to Twilight's and let her test me for... whatever it is she wants to test for, before I head home, anyone want to come with?" I got several noes with explanations on why they couldn't join me, I only smiled and said my goodbyes before having Twilight join me on my way out. We walked down the road together, just making small talk, but I have got to say that it was rather cold... and breezy, yes, very breezy.
We made it in to the library in record time, probably due to the fact that I didn't want prying eyes to see me in a just towel, but I digress, anyway, Twilight spoke up again.
"Alright James, you know the drill, in to my basement and lets start the testing." I laughed and responded,
"Pants first, then testing."

"I don't understand.......... this can't be right, but we ran the test five times already.... I don't know what to make of this!" Twilight screamed with a scared look upon her face and I was quick to remove myself from the contraption I was in, responding,
"Twilight... you're scaring me. What's wrong with me... I'm I going to die or something?" Twilight looked up at me with embarrassment and returned,
"Oh no no no! I'm so sorry James, I didn't mean it like that, you are just fine, in fact you are better than fine, fantastic even. You see....... how should I say this................ you know how the Poison Joke turn you in to a pony?" I slowly nodded and she continued,
"Well, it did a perfect job in that regard and you were for all intensive purposes, a completely, born and raised, Equestrian earth pony. Even if this was only for a few short hours, it had some rather unique results...see..... you have magic now." Everything seemed to slow to a crawl as my mind tried and failed to comprehend what Twilight had just said, forcing me to run it trough my mind several times, all of this taking place in the course of about a minute. Finally my mind caught back up to the flow of linear time and I screamed out,
"What..... the.......... FUCK! Twilight, how in the hell can I have magic... I though you said that I was void of magic!" Twilight flinched and responded,
"You are, but only human magic, not pony magic... it would seem. Turns out that the Poison Joke takes one of your most deep seeded physical fears and makes it in to reality, but I guess you feared becoming something that wasn't a human the most and the dormant powers of the flower used all of it's magic to change you in to a real earth pony with real earth pony magic." I just sat for a few seconds with my head in my hand, quietly moaning, before finally returning,
"Soooo, what does that make me now?" Twilight looked fascinated by my question and said,
"That's just the thing, when you switched back in to a human, the pony magic inside of you didn't dissipate and it was forced to change with you. As far as I can tell, the magic has labeled you as a completely new form of pony and because of this, it is mutating in to a new species based magic. To put is simply, you are a new tribe of pony, unto yourself." I frowned and asked,
"What does that entail? If this magic just made a new home inside of me and claims me as a breed of pony, does that mean that I'm going to suddenly start craving hay and flowers?" Twilight smirked and responded,
"No, it won't change anything like that, as far as I can tell, instead you will gain all the benefits that any pony has. Your physical attributes will become slightly enchanted so that you're stronger and faster, but just by an insignificant amount. Your body will become incredible flexible, to the point of being able to bend your bones like rubber and you will be able to withstand damage and pain that would even hurt a full grown dragon, although you will still feel the pain with just as much excruciation detail. Your will be able to heal wounds at about two times as faster than they ever did before. But this all pails in comparison to fact that your main magic will manifest in to a new form that no other species has, something completely unique to what you have become. Oh and you will have a small telekinetic field around your hooves... I mean hands and you will be able to hold things with it, but that's pretty much it." I contemplated what was just said to me for several minutes, before asking,
"So, I have completely turned in to a cartoon character, plus some extra ability that are like what you ponies have?" She decided to correct me and answered,
"I highly doubt you will have the ability to manipulate magic like a unicorn or fly like a Pegasus or even have the pure power of an earth pony, but I'm sure it will be amazing none the less. However it is going to a few weeks for your main magic to manifest, but your minor magic should be available in about a weeks time. Oh... on a side note...... youmightbeabletobreedwithponiesandcreatelittlefoals." The last part was said very quietly and with such speed that I wasn't able to catch more than a few words, but what I did hear was disconcerting and I asked,
"Umm, what was that last part about breeding?" Twilight gulped nervously and responded,
"He he, oh you heard that part, well... you might be able to breed with ponies and they might give birth to perfectly healthy little foals, as well as the fact that you would be able to breed with any other magical species, which is all of them, and create life..." Well that was just a poke in the eye, but I needed to be certain and asked,
"Are you sure? That seems like the kind of thing that would have to be... tested... with........ my sperm............." Then it hit me, I would have to give Twilight the sample she needed if I wanted to know that it was true, which I was very unhappy about. Twilight on the other hand was grinning like a fiend and said,
"That's to bad, I guess that you will have to, if you want to find out this very crucial piece of information, won't you?" I could practically feel the smugness rolling off of Twilight and I was tempted to just refuse, but this was information that I absolutely had to have, no matter what.
"Fine you low down extortionist, where's your bathroom again?"

I walked out of the bathroom with a little plastic cup and a very pissed off look on my face, before saying,
"Here's your sample... you're a trickster of the highest order, I hope you know that Twilight. When should I expect the results?" I saw a glint of deviousness in Twilight's eyes before she answered,
"Who's to say, it could take a few months for the processing to take place in Canterlot, or I could do it in my state of the art, magical lab, which would take about a week. Than again, I might need some pictures to remain in my possession, if I was going to be that generous." I let out a defeated sigh, before responding,
"Alright, fine, keep the forsaken photos, just make sure I have my answers soon, this is the kind of thing that is beyond important. But I want those photos to never find there way out of your hooves and if I find out that Celestia gets a hold of them then you will never get to come back to my world and learn about all the amazing creations first hand. Trust me when I say that I have access to information that you could learn about for years on end and never run of new things to learn." Twilight's eyes enlarged to the size of grapefruit (somehow) and I could see the sparkling taking place behind them, before she finally cried out,
"No, please don't! No other living soul will ever see these photos, just please don't take away the knowledge!" I nodded and responded,
"Good, make sure it stays that way. Alright Twilight, I do believe that I have had enough crap dumped upon me for about a years worth, so I going to gather up my stuff and go home, then I'm going to sleep like the dead. See Ya."

"Whaa! I Sense a disturbance...... something amazing just happened. Lulu?! Did you just fall in to the toilet or maybe fall in love?!" I yelled out as panic washed over me, but Luna quickly answered me from down the hall,
"No Tia, we are just enjoying this new creation they call Pizza, it is very-" I quickly cut her off, saying,
"Yeah, Yeah, that's great Lulu, but I have something important I need to find out about. Just making sure it wasn't about you." Luna huffed, but didn't say anything more and I was able ponder what I had missed, however after several minutes of brooding, I was no closer to divining what had activated my celestial radar.
"Hmmp, oh pony feathers, I bet it was something really good too!"