//------------------------------// // The Most Dastardly Dimwitted Chapter Ever // Story: The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever // by InvertedInflux //------------------------------// Oh my! I just realised! I had a Maths paper I had to finish! Yeah, that's the least of my worries right now. Ponies, remember? It's actually quite stress-relieving. I don't even need to take a dump anymore. I was wondering about that; if they had some like huge hole in the middle of Ponyville, out of sight. But it just seems instead that egestion wasn't deemed necessary in Equestria. I'm no expert at biology, but I'm sure that makes minimal sense. Still don't know where we're heading. I'm just tagging along being a twat as it stands. *** “Hey, erm, Abdul; have you heard the tale of The Headless Horse? It's veryyy scarryyy,” asks Rainbow Dash, trying her best to be spooky. No. Just no. She really rates herself highly, doesn't she? “Please, ladies, call me Pussy Magnet. And no, I haven't.” Of course I had. I just wanted to piss on her stupid parade. Sure enough she proceeds to tell me the “scary story” which is really only scary for pussies like Fluttershy. “Wait, I thought you were telling me a scary story? My mum told me this as a lullaby when I was young.” “Oh, I thought-” “Yeah, don't care. So who wants to hear my scary story?” There was a chorus of moans and general bitching but I ignored them. As I tend to have done thus far. So I proceeded to tell them the tale of... Cupcakes. Dear Lord. I hadn't fully memorised it word for word but I think I did it justice. Even threw in a bit more blood here and there. I'm a real prick I've just noticed. Let's just say they've stopped talking to me for now. I don't know if they're too traumatised or they just hate me again. Wiped that smug grin off that prick Rainbow Dash's face. Hope she has nightmares now about Pinkie slicing her up. Or me even. Don't tempt me Dashie. Been there, done that. Wait, what? No. Ah, now this place looks interesting. By interesting I mean it isn't a fucking tree. Seriously this place should be called the Evertree forest there's so many of the damn things. Evertree forest? I'm such a linguist. So damn witty. No wait, I recognise this place. Yeah, it's Zecora's hovel. I swear they're all blatantly racist to Zecora. To me also; perhaps we can unite, rise up, and crush the pony reign. With blood, lots of blood. Mmm... Twilight knocks on the door loudly but soon after, Pinkie decided to burst in without waiting for response. Cheeky little shit. Maybe Zecora was sleeping? Maybe she was having a bash? Maybe she was doing potions and shit? Yeah, probably that. I do wonder however what the hell she does in her life. Talks to practically no one, no mates, probably abandoned by her zebra folk, never had a sexual encounter of any kind whatsoever and to top it all off; she lives in a shithole, in the middle of a huge shithole. The Everfree forest definetly didn't live up to the hype. I was hoping we'd be attacked by something by now but no. Instead, everything has been piss easy thus far. Any who, I follow pink, yellow, blue, purple, white and orange into the “house” and see a zebra. I mean holy, look at those piercings. What a nice message to kids watching: Piercings are great! Put huge rings around your neck! It's totally safe! Also her Mohawk is properly shite. They're all having a little banter session now, catching up on the latest gossip, all the hot boys. You know the stuff. Oh and she is actually speaking in rhyme, probably the first sign of various mental disorders. “Ah, this is the one who has come to us. Now let us sit down; and discuss.” This is going to get really annoying after a while. Actually, it already is. Shut up. *** Well I had to brave through that conversation for the next ten minutes or so. My head hurts so fucking much. I would describe the chat in detail but you know, lack of detail is the best way to set the scene for any story (not really). To summarise: Discord blablabla Fortress blablabla stupid brain damage-inducing rhyme blablabla Me blablabla more rhyme. Death. That's it. No seriously, nothing interesting or helpful came of that whatsoever. “Now go, for I wish you luck. Tread carefully or-” “You'll get fucked?” I finish. She just looked at me. Oh yeah, forget about swears. “Suck?” That rhymed didn't it. English wasn't my greatest subject. Words and stuff. “I'm sorry but that word doesn't belong. Just relax and think, and you won't be wrong.” Dear lord she just goes off on another stupid rhyme tangent. Just when you think you've clawed your way out of it. “Suck cock?” That made perfect sense. Rhymes can go to hell, I can be bothered to think of anymore up. Just look at the results of the ones I have made anyway. Pretty damn bad. They can all go to hell actually; my feet hurt and I haven't had a you know what in like forever. I just want to fix Equestria's shit and go home. So of course I'm the first one out the door. But it seems they were not done chatting shit so I had to wait outside for another fucking ten minutes. I don't know what could be so important that it takes this long to discuss. Oh yeah, save the world and stuff. Maybe they're not talking, maybe they're having say... A massive lesbian get together? I walk over to the window, hopefully. Ah damn it. Just talking. I could go alone; these horses are clearly holding me back. Let's be honest here: I'm awesome. There's no two ways about it. The fact that I haven't conquered this domain already is a clear sign that they are the ones holding me back from glory. “Hey Pussy!” Fucker calls. Who's Fucker? Take your pick. Any option is correct as far as I'm concerned. Did they just call me a pussy? The little... Ah wait, I told them that's my name, didn't I? Well, Pussy Magnet. Should have perhaps thought about the usage when the second part is excluded. I'll probably just change my name anyway later. These simpletons don't seem to care. “Yes bitch?” “We're leaving now, get your stuff.” It's like they try and mock me. Stuff? How many times have I had to say; I DON'T HAVE ANY STUFF. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A COCK. And secondly, I'm already out here; ready and rearing to go while you lazy fucks are doing nothing. “All right! Let's get going!” says Pinkie, appearing with the others by her side. BUT WAIT What's that loud roar I hear? Some huge monster with huge multiple cocks bursts from the trees into the clearing. Cocks? Oh no, those are heads. A hydra in fact. Well, we're fucked. To be fair, I did ask for some monster to show up but a fucking hydra is taking the piss. Ah well, yolo. Hopefully God will save me; he can't let me die now right? But what will happen? Will we all perish? Will we vanquish the penis-monster-head? Will Applejack get that long overdue abortion? None of these questions will be answered, and many more be asked in the next exciting instalment. I can hardly wait. No seriously, he's about to impale me with his head. I literally can't wait.